1. My very first
clothing exchange.
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2. I've never felt
so cosmopolitan.
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3. That's a word
I learned in a bar.
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4. So...
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5. the magazine says we each
present an item of clothing,
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6. and the first one
to call dibs gets it.
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7. Oh, like a key party.
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8. Or so I've heard.
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9. Okay, these boots
I only wore once,
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10. and then I stopped
wearing maroon.
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11. Dibs!
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12. These are adorable!
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13. I have the perfect outfit for...
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14. Oh, right.
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15. Dibs!
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16. I want to try them!
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17. Oh!
Are they cute on you.
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18. Perfect!
Yay!
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19. Okay, everybody, my turn.
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20. How about these?
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21. They're functional.
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22. They can go straight
from a PTA meeting
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23. to a sexy night on the town.
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24. Aunt Peggy,
culottes aren't cool.
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25. Even though it sounds
like they should be.
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26. Oh, sug, surely someone
will want these...
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27. overalls.
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28. So how was your
clothes exchange?
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29. I bet Nancy liked that old
softball jersey of yours.
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30. As it turns out,
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31. Nancy would rather have a pair
of men's dirty flip-flops
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32. than my softball jersey.
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33. Apparently,
it wasn't feminine enough.
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34. You think I'm feminine,
don't you, Hank?
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35. Well, sure you are.
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36. You're a wife and a mother.
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37. Yeah, there's that.
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38. I just felt so ungainly
compared to those women.
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39. Why don't you call
your shoe store in Lubbock?
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40. I'm treating you
to some new shoes.
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41. Thank you, Hank.
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42. And by the way,
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43. you're wearing
my jeans again.
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44. This is the greatest
book I've ever read.
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45. Wow, Dr. Prankenstein
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46. has a degree in "Hee"
with a minor in "Haa."
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47. Joseph, have you seen
my lucky switchblade comb?
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48. I already told you!
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49. I broke it!
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50. Ah, you're right.
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51. Sorry I snapped at you, Joseph.
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52. See, there's going to be a coup
today at the gun club
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53. and I may become
the new president
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54. if I can get over
these pre-coup jitters.
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55. Mr. Gribble, I know
what would help you relax.
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56. How would you like
a 25-cent massage?
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57. Who wouldn't?
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58. Here you go,
Mr. Gribble.
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59. One 25-cent massage coming up.
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60. You just roll this gently
all over your face.
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61. Wow, this is fantastic, Bobby.
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62. This is as relaxing
as smoking used to be.
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63. Well...
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64. off to my coup.
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65. We got to go
watch this.
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66. Hello?
Hello, Lubbock's Very Big Shoes.
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67. Guess what I'm calling about?
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68. Sorry, lady, the shoe store went
out of business.
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69. We're a dog bakery now.
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70. Aunt Peggy!
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71. Look what I got.
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72. A bracelet.
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73. It's what some women wear
on their wrists.
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74. It's like jewelry.
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75. Yes, Luanne, I know
what a bracelet is.
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76. Hello, do you have a pump
in a size... 16?
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77. Which brand?
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78. Oh, my God.
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79. Wedges?
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80. Sandals?
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81. These boots...
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82. they're just like Nancy's.
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83. It's too big.
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84. Okay, phase one
of the coup is under way.
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85. Spiro's safely locked and secure
in the snack closet.
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86. It's time to pick
our new leader.
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87. Our short list is
Earl Boley and Dale Gribble.
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88. Where's Dale?
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89. Coward didn't show.
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90. All right,
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91. looks like you're our
new president, Earl.
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92. Hey, guys.
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93. I think he's wearing
war paint.
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94. I'm with Dale.
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95. Me, too.
Give me that pen!
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96. I don't get it.
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97. They're not laughing
at him.
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98. I say we make Gribble
the new president.
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99. All in favor,
fire once into the ground.
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100. Maybe we didn't
do it right.
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101. How much do you love
zebra print?
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102. Okay.
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103. You know how when you see
a really cute baby,
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104. and you just want to eat it?
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105. That is how I feel
about these shoes.
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106. Oh, here, you take it.
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107. Oh, thank you.
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108. Peggy.
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109. Carolyn.
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110. I usually hear this,
not say it...
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111. nice grip.
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112. Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
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113. Who are you talking to?
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114. Different people.
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115. I want to see my new
clothes in action
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116. before I commit
to owning them.
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117. It's a technique I learned
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118. from this interesting
woman I met today.
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119. Her name is Carolyn
and she wears gloves.
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120. Gloves?
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121. Huh, that is interesting.
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122. I felt this instant sense
of camaraderie with her
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123. that I don't normally find
with other women.
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124. So you've got someone to talk to
about this stuff now?
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125. That's great.
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126. Yes, it is, Hank.
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127. Taxi!
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128. Hmm, this chicken curry
is delicious.
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129. I could understand why it is one
of Oprah's favorite sandwiches.
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130. Peggy, you ate
that whole sandwich.
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131. Yes, yes, I did.
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132. I'm sorry.
That was very unladylike.
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133. And none of your lipstick
smeared or came off at all.
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134. How do you do that?
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135. Well, just before biting,
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136. I move the teeth forward
and slide the lip up.
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137. I'll show you in slo-mo.
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138. It works!
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139. This is going to be a lifesaver.
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140. See, I do this song and
dance act on the weekends,
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141. and I need to be able
to snack between sets,
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142. so I don't pass out
during the particularly
emotional numbers.
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143. Thank you, Peggy.
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144. I got the idea
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145. from watching Shark Attacks
on the Nature Channel,
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146. or a Bette Davis movie—
I can't remember.
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147. I don't know why
everyone doesn't drive
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148. with their
high beams on.
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149. You see so
much better.
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150. So, the glasses.
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151. Are you afraid
of the laser surgery, too?
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152. 'Cause the closest I want to get
to a laser is front row
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153. at a Chaka Khan concert.
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154. Actually, the glasses
hide thin brows,
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155. fine lines and wrinkles.
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156. People do not say it,
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157. but they make me look
ten years younger.
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158. True that.
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159. Oh, Carolyn, if there wasn't
a parking brake between us,
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160. I'd think we were
connected at the hip.
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161. Oh, my God, the
parking brake's on.
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162. Ooh.
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163. I helped myself to some tea.
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164. Hey, Mom.
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165. Sorry I'm late.
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166. Do not apologize for yourself,
now or ever.
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167. I love the new wig, son.
Gorgeous.
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168. Thanks. I just had the best time
with this new girl, Peggy Hill.
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169. I don't know
what his real name is.
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170. Nancy, it's Peggy.
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171. I can't go shopping
with you tomorrow.
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172. I'm hanging out
with my new gal pal.
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173. I should call Minh, too.
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174. Oh, it's so nice
to have a friend
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175. who's strong enough to push
her way through a sale.
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176. Nancy always fell
somewhere between
lingerie and handbags.
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177. Some of my friends are
too scared to go to the mall.
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178. They buy everything online.
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179. Thank goodness I hid all
the good stuff last week.
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180. Ta-da.
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181. I love it. I have
to wear scarves in the show.
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182. So, what do you do in your act?
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183. Well, I don't do any one artist
like some of the girls do.
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184. A little Liza,
Barbra, Celine.
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185. My favorites.
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186. You really know
how to work a scarf.
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187. Hey, I've always wanted
to do a duet in the show.
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188. You and me, Peggy—
what do you say?
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189. Yes.
Great!
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190. Just bring
your own eyelashes.
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191. I always do.
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192. And one more time.
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193. Now don't be afraid
to move your head a little
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194. during the humming part,
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195. so people will know
you're pretending to hum.
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196. Mm-hmm.
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197. Hey, Hank,
stand back.
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198. We're kicking.
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199. Okay, then.
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200. Oh. Carolyn, this is
my husband, Hank.
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201. Nice to meet you, Carolyn.
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202. Carolyn.
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203. I always liked that name.
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204. I thought
it was a good one.
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205. Well, I'll get out
of your way, ladies.
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206. Bobby, this is my
new friend, Carolyn.
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207. Carolyn, my
son, Bobby.
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208. Hey.
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209. Oh.
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210. So, did you two adopt?
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211. No, ma'am, and I have the
stretch marks to prove it.
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212. Stretch marks?
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213. Nothing seems to diminish them.
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214. Not shea butter,
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215. not cow placenta,
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216. not goat placenta.
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217. Really?
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218. Mm-hmm, oh, yeah.
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219. I imagine this is
what it looks like
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220. when you're stabbed
in the stomach
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221. at several different angles,
huh?
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222. Uh, yeah, stabbing.
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223. Could I have another drink,
please?
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224. Mm. Oh, some string!
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225. Oh, a dollar!
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226. What the...
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227. Oh.
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228. Damn wind.
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229. Pull the
string again.
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230. Mr. Dauterive really
cares about money.
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231. Where'd you go?
Where'd you go?
Oh, geez!
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232. Oh, there it is.
Oh! Oh, darn it.
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233. Oh, my God!
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234. Are you okay?
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235. I'm doing better
now, sweet cheeks.
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236. I never seen eyes so dilated.
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237. I could lose myself in them.
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238. You know, I really
shouldn't be driving.
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239. You want to take
the wheel?
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240. Sure.
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241. Did you see
his face?
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242. Yeah, he was happy.
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243. I know!
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244. What kind of
joke book is this?
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245. Mom, I need to talk to you.
It's about Peggy.
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246. What's her problem?
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247. Mom, she's a real woman, and...
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248. You mean a biological woman.
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249. Just because
you were born a male
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250. doesn't make you
any less of a woman.
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251. Let no one clip your wings,
baby.
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252. Could you stop being supportive
for one second and listen?
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253. I've got a problem.
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254. I can't let a real woman
perform with me.
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255. It's a drag show.
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256. Do what you need to do.
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257. As long as there is no shame
involved, hear me?
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258. You're a person!
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259. Oh, Mother.
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260. Peggy,
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261. you almost forgot this thing.
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262. I'll be in
the front row.
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263. Yeah, that might not be
such a good idea.
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264. Apparently, they single out
newcomers and embarrass them.
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265. You know, like at church.
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266. Well, I'll be in the back
by the sound board then.
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267. That outfit—
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268. it's very becoming.
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269. Looking good, Sug.
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270. Yeah! Big hair
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271. kind of works
for you.
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272. Where you going
all dolled up?
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273. Well, I'm on my way to perform
with my new friend, Carolyn,
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274. in a glamorous revue.
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275. Would you both like
to come?
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276. Wow. Five-drink minimum.
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277. Yes, and I would prefer it
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278. if you didn't get drunk
and embarrass me.
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279. We'll see
you there.
Break a leg!
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280. Yeah, whatever.
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281. What does
it mean
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282. if instead
of a purse,
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283. a woman carries
a tattered
grocery bag?
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284. Uh, hey.
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285. Hello.
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286. Is Peggy here?
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287. Uh, no, she's not.
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288. Uh, can I help you?
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289. I'm her husband.
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290. I'm Jamie.
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291. Uh, I know Carolyn.
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292. We're friends.
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293. Close friends.
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294. Oh. Well,
that Carolyn is great.
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295. She's quite a catch
there, Jamie.
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296. What do you say
to a beer?
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297. I say, "Where have you been
all morning?"
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298. Good one!
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299. Yeah, I'll have
to remember that one.
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300. So, Carolyn needs me to
find Peggy before the show.
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301. When do you
expect her back?
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302. Well, she had to get something
for her costume.
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303. She called it
a sequin emergency.
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304. I asked her to call it
something else, but she refused.
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305. Then she's going right
to the club.
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306. I'll just, uh,
catch her there.
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307. Bye, guys.
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308. I like
nice people.
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309. Show time!
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310. If she wasn't dead,
I'd swear you were
the real thing.
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311. Peggy...
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312. That Diana Ross
looks freaking amazing.
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313. We are going
to have to pretend
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314. sing our hearts out
to outshine her.
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315. Honey, we can't
do the routine.
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316. I have something
to tell you.
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317. Well, what is it?
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318. Peggy, I'm a drag queen.
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319. But I thought most
drag queens were men.
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320. I am a man.
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321. I'd take off my
wig to show you,
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322. but it's too close
to curtain.
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323. So then I don't understand
why you invited me
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324. to do this show with you
in the first place...
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325. Oh, my God.
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326. You thought I was a man?
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327. We had the
same size feet,
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328. and you were shopping
at The Closet.
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329. It's a store for
drag queens, Peggy.
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330. I-I didn't know.
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331. Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
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332. I thought you were
the best I'd ever seen.
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333. It doesn't!
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334. Hey, Sug...
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335. here we are!
What kind of
place is this?
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336. Come on, Peggy Hill.
Open the door!
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337. We're here to comfort you.
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338. Sorry everybody thinks
you're a man, Aunt Peggy.
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339. You know how everybody is.
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340. Go away!
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341. Sug, you coached
a women's softball league.
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342. If that's not feminine,
I don't know what is.
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343. We're trying to cheer her up,
not tick her off.
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344. You want to get
punched in the face?
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345. That woman's got fists
like frozen turkeys.
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346. I could still
hear you, ya know.
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347. Don't answer it.
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348. Well, Peggy,
that's like telling a lie.
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349. You just don't do that.
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350. Fine. Then I'm not here.
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351. But that's also a lie.
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352. Hill residence.
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353. Uh, she's not here.
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354. Okay, Carolyn.
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355. Dang it.
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356. Did she think you were me?
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357. I do sound like a man
apparently.
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358. What are you talking about?
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359. Carolyn, my friend,
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360. is really a man
who dresses up like a woman.
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361. Now, now hold on.
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362. That doesn't make any sense.
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363. And he thought that I was
also a man dressed as a woman,
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364. but I am not.
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365. I am a woman
who looks like a man.
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366. What? No,
you're not.
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367. Then why is it
that the only woman
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368. I can relate to is a man?
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369. And here I was feeling feminine
for the first time in my life.
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370. I have never felt so ugly!
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371. Isn't this something you
should be talking about
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372. with your girlfriends?
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373. You know, like
that Carolyn.
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374. Hank, are you even
listening to me?
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375. Hello, Carolyn.
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376. I was calling to get
Jamie's number.
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377. Oh, he is? Oh, that'd be great.
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378. Hello, Jamie.
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379. Can I take your order?
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380. Uh... I'll have a
normal orange juice, please.
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381. Make it normal.
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382. Okay, and which
nutrient booster?
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383. Uh, no, no, I won't be
needing any more nutrients.
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384. I'm having a steak later.
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385. Thanks for meeting me.
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386. I, uh... I have to talk to you
Copy !req
387. about something that I can't
talk about with the guys.
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388. Sure, Hank, shoot.
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389. Well, my wife is really upset.
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390. I think maybe she and Carolyn
had a fight or something.
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391. I don't know.
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392. Has Carolyn talked
to you about this?
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393. She has. And believe me,
she adores Peggy.
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394. She thinks she's a
model of femininity.
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395. Actually, she wishes
she could be more like her.
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396. Well, Carolyn's one
of the best girlfriends
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397. Peggy has ever had.
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398. You think maybe you
could talk to Carolyn,
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399. see if they can't
patch things up?
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400. Yes, she'll take
care of this.
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401. Women need to work out
their problems emotionally.
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402. Boy, I've got to
hand it to you, Jamie.
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403. You sure do know
a lot about women.
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404. Oh, shoot.
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405. Sorry your food
is ruined.
We've got pizza.
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406. My mom just got me
a credit card,
so we went crazy.
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407. Wow, thanks.
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408. This book stinks!
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409. No, dude, every time
you do a prank,
Copy !req
410. something good happens.
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411. That's a magic book!
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412. I don't know.
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413. I do. You've got
to prank me, dude.
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414. Oh, okay.
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415. Make me rich and handsome.
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416. If your hand is bigger
than your face,
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417. all your wishes
will come true.
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418. Cool.
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419. Ow!
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420. So, am I handsome?
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421. Oh, hello.
Peggy, it's Carolyn.
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422. Peggy, stop right there.
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423. What do you want?
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424. I want you to drop that sad
blanket and come with me.
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425. I need to show
you something.
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426. Will I be humiliated in any way?
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427. I swear on my mother's
unwavering support
Copy !req
428. that you will not.
Copy !req
429. Uh, Peggy, I don't like
to butt into your affairs,
Copy !req
430. but you should
go with her.
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431. Whatever you've
been going through,
Copy !req
432. well, I think
Carolyn can help.
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433. Fine.
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434. I will get my purse.
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435. And grab your trash bag
full of clothes.
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436. Hurry!
Why?
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437. It's just more dramatic.
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438. Have a seat, Peggy.
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439. Girls, this is Peggy Hill.
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440. She is the one responsible
for that great tip
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441. about the lipstick and
the one about the glasses.
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442. Look at me.
I'm a girl again.
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443. Thank you.
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444. You're welcome.
Copy !req
445. No, wait. I...
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446. Is this what I think it is?
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447. A denim vest
with appliqués on it?
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448. Oh, I want that.
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449. It's so Mandrell Sisters
Variety Hour!
Copy !req
450. Mm-hmm, I had
a feeling
Copy !req
451. your stuff would
go quickly here.
Copy !req
452. So this is why you
brought me here?
Copy !req
453. To show me that a bunch
of men want my clothes?
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454. A bunch of men who want
to look like women
want your clothes.
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455. Uh-huh.
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456. But, come on, aren't you
all more impressed by women
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457. who are fancier and
daintier and girlier?
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458. Honey, wispy women
are a dime a dozen.
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459. You said it, girl.
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460. Yeah, baby.
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461. Peggy, drag queens model
themselves after strong,
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462. substantial, fearless women,
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463. women who aren't afraid
to wear purple gauchos
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464. and MC Hammer glasses,
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465. women who only need one name
to describe themselves,
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466. like Liza,
Barbra and Cher.
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467. You, my dear,
are simply Peggy.
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468. Peggy.
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469. That does make sense.
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470. Girl, you are fierce.
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471. Deal with it.
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472. I have got to have
these platform sneakers.
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473. They are yours.
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474. Okay, who's hoarding
the turtlenecks?
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475. I know you've got them!
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476. Let no one
clip your wings, baby.
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