King of the Hill 10x7

Directed by Yvette Kaplan

John Schneider as The Ace (voice) • Danny Trejo as Enrique (voice) • Henry Gibson as Bob Jenkins (voice) • Mac Davis as Sports Jock / Announcer (voice) • Paul Butcher as Kenny (voice)

In order to raise money to save the Tom Landry Middle School baseball program, Hank invites a Harlem Globetrotters-type softball team to compete against his community league Arlen Zephyrs. But Hank ruins the show by deciding to take the game seriously.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It looks like it's down

2. to the final strike of the final out of the final inning.

3. Is this where the Zephyrs' perfect season ends?

4. Wait for your pitch, Donna.

5. Where's your rally cap, Dale?

6. How's the rally god supposed to know

7. who to give mojo to?

8. If we rally, I'll have to bat,

9. and I'll be the last out

10. that ruins our undefeated season.

11. Easy out!

12. She's distracted by her recent divorce.

13. Dang it, Dale.

14. Shut up and put your glove on your got-dang head.

15. Ow!

16. Got a walk. Walk's good, y' hear?

17. You're a saint, Donna.

18. Okay, Dale, bases loaded.

19. A hit wins it.

20. But, but I haven't had a hit all season.

21. Your season starts now, Dale.

22. Take what you've learned from all those strikeouts

23. and put it to use.

24. All you have to do is...

25. "Believe to achieve."

26. Now, get up there and do what my shirt says.

27. Run, Dale, run!

28. Geh!

29. Holy-moly, cannoli!

30. Zephyrs win! Zephyrs win!

31. Yeah, I spanked that ball so hard,

32. I probably should've apologized

33. and bought it a box of chocolates.

34. See, Dale?

35. You believed, and then you achieved.

36. I guess I believed a little, but I don't know.

37. I think there was

38. something more to it than that.

39. Well, maybe you gave 110%,

40. because Hank says that works, too.

41. No, I only gave 70%.

42. I was feeling kind of sick

43. after I accidentally swallowed my chewing tobacco.

44. Maybe you stumbled onto a lucky ritual.

45. I mean, all the greats had one.

46. Joe DiMaggio would keep a penny in his shoe.

47. Ty Cobb would beat his valet.

48. Attention, Zephyrs.

49. When the season started, no one gave this team much of a chance

50. and things looked pretty bleak

51. when we lost Joe Jack because of...

52. Well, we all know what happened at the Taco Bueno.

53. But we never lost a step.

54. Bob Jenkins joined the team,

55. and to watch him in the outfield,

56. you would've thought there was radar

57. under that eye patch.

58. And through it all, none of us stopped believing,

59. and that's why we're the first undefeated softball team

60. in Arlen Rec League history.

61. Yeah.

62. Real stirring, Hank.

63. Listen, how'd you like to give

64. a motivation talk at school tomorrow?

65. Really?

66. I'd be honored.

67. Thanks. The magician had to cancel.

68. Who would've thought a dove could do all that

69. to a man's face?

70. And so whether you eventually choose a career

71. in customer service or the military,

72. try to do it the Zephyr way— perfect.

73. Now, if I could have all the members

74. of the baseball team please stand,

75. I'd like to tell you a little story about never giving up.

76. Uh, the baseball program's been cut, Hank.

77. Budget issues.

78. Go, Longhorns.

79. Well, this is just wrong.

80. Okay, if you were on the baseball team,

81. I've got a message for you.

82. Keep believing in yourselves.

83. How's that gonna bring our baseball team back?

84. Well, uh, it's, uh, uh...

85. Huh.

86. There's got to be some way to save the baseball program.

87. Hmm. Well, let's see.

88. You could attract new industry to Arlen

89. and raise the tax base.

90. Hank, you'd be great at attracting industry.

91. Yeah, but that could take months.

92. Baseball season starts next week.

93. Hank, I've got it.

94. We could play the Ace of Diamonds and His Jewels.

95. They take on local teams

96. and use their crazy antics to raise money

97. for charity.

98. Look at the Ace.

99. He's parked the unicycle, and now he's on stilts.

100. Yup, I used these when I played

101. for the San Francisco Jolly Green Giants.

102. Now the Ace

103. has ditched his stilts

104. and he's pitching from the outfield!

105. Even pitching from the outfield,

106. Ace is still throwing smoke.

107. They say he used his fast ball

108. to stun a bear to keep it from mauling a little girl.

109. Folks, looks like the Ace has finally lost it.

110. He's walked the bases loaded.

111. Well, I'm in quite a pickle here.

112. I might as well have a sandwich with it.

113. I hear on some mounds

114. that are wired for it,

115. he makes a Denver omelet.

116. Here's the pitch.

117. And a line drive right at the Ace.

118. He steps on the bag, tags the runner.

119. It's an unassisted triple play!

120. And as the winner of the game,

121. the Ace get the prize money.

122. Wait! Oh, my God, he's, he's giving it

123. to the Abilene Spay and Neuter Foundation.

124. Unbelievable!

125. Unbelievable?

126. Not for softball's number one philanthropist.

127. The Ace always gives the winner's check to charity.

128. Peggy?

129. Tom Landry Middle School is gonna be on that tape someday.

130. I wonder if cows really get how good they taste.

131. Here it is, team, our league championship trophy.

132. Uh! Wait a minute.

133. There's a mistake.

134. Right down here, what it should say is,

135. "To be continued."

136. That's right, our dream season isn't over.

137. We are going to play the Ace of Diamonds and his Jewels.

138. Oh, man, you're talking about ol' Ace of Diamonds.

139. Man, they got dang invited to dang White House, man.

140. One of them struck out Marlin Fitzwater, man.

141. Now, the Ace and his team keep 10% of the gate,

142. but the winner gives the rest

143. to Tom Landry Middle School to save the baseball program.

144. We can bill it

145. as the Battle of the Unbeatens—

146. The 11-0 Zephyrs against the Ace's 239-game win streak.

147. 239?

148. Well,

149. we couldn't stay undefeated forever.

150. "Fame is but a slow decay. Even this shall pass away."

151. I guess it'll be okay, 'cause when it's over,

152. he'll hand a giant check to those poor kids.

153. Wait a second.

154. Don't give up before we even hit the field.

155. I think we can be the winners.

156. We can be the ones handing over that check.

157. But, Hank, aren't we supposed

158. to just let him beat us?

159. That's the fun of it, right?

160. All the pranks and all the tricks the Ace does.

161. You think former big leaguers like the Ace and his Jewels

162. enjoy having to play like that.

163. It's like playing basketball with an eight-year-old kid.

164. You shoot with your left hand

165. just to keep it interesting.

166. Hey. Maybe you're right, Hank.

167. You bet I'm right.

168. They want to be challenged.

169. They're dying for someone to give them an actual game.

170. What a thrilling idea.

171. Davids, pick up your slingshots.

172. We're going to slay the Ace.

173. Well, Bob, I didn't expect

174. that kind of spirit out of you,

175. but by God, it is appreciated.

176. Boy, this Ace of Diamonds highlight video

177. is really something.

178. It's like he did all of our scouting for us.

179. The Ace picked him off, throwing behind his back!

180. They're going to kill us!

181. Calm down, guys.

182. See how much his velocity drops when he pitches on stilts?

183. And remember, there's only two jewels in the field:

184. a catcher and a first baseman.

185. Leaving their outfield very vulnerable.

186. Arrogance— it's their fatal flaw.

187. All we have to do is hit it where they ain't.

188. We're going to play good "D,"

189. and lots of small ball,

190. and we're going to win because, the whole season, we did what?

191. Believed to achieve!

192. Hey, I believe, Hank!

193. We'll win

194. because our Lord Jesus Christ

195. chose us to win!

196. Uh... okay, Enrique.

197. Make sure you say these tickets

198. are to help the baseball team.

199. Boomhauer, cover Tom McCann

200. to the LensCrafters.

201. Dale, you take the food court.

202. Bill, go anywhere but Victoria's Secret.

203. Do you think I'd sell more tickets

204. as a French boy?

205. Ugh!

206. Would you be interested

207. in some exciting family—

208. or blended family— entertainment?

209. Wow! The Ace of Diamonds and his Jewels?

210. And the Zephyrs.

211. Daddy saw the Ace play in Kerrville when I was your age.

212. I got to stand on home plate

213. and have the Ace knock a peanut off my head.

214. Cool!

215. Awesome!

216. Hey, how much do you think they'll beat you by? Ten? 15?

217. Hold on. I'm not so sure

218. we're going to get beat.

219. We're in it to win.

220. Yeah, and I suppose your fastball can stun a bear, too.

221. Now, when Sports Jock and Chad put me on,

222. make sure to turn the radio down.

223. I don't want to be one of those guys they scold.

224. All right, everyone, new topic:

225. the Ace of Diamonds and his Jewels.

226. They're in town tonight to strut their stuff

227. against the Arlen Zephyrs.

228. We've got Zephyrs Player Coach Hank Hill with us.

229. Now, Hank, I have never seen

230. this much interest in a softball game.

231. Yep. It's going to be a big victory

232. for underdogs everywhere if we win.

233. Sorry. I mean when we win.

234. Listen to you woof.

235. I'm going to have to put you in the Sports Jock dog pound.

236. I like your showmanship, Hank.

237. I'll let you out.

238. Welcome, everyone, to the greatest show on cleats.

239. And a special welcome

240. to tonight's charity,

241. the Tom Landry Middle School baseball team.

242. And how about a big Arlen welcome to the clown princes

243. of softball: the Ace

244. and his Jewels!

245. And, to the local undefeated Arlen Zephyrs, we say good luck.

246. Dale, remember

247. your ritual.

248. All right, it's show time.

249. Little tip: When I strike you out,

250. take a step like you're going to charge the mound,

251. and I'll stare you down.

252. I've gotten digits from the ladies in the upper deck

253. when I break this out.

254. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ace and his Jewels!

255. It always amazes me how three can defeat ten.

256. I bet his first pitch

257. is going to be on stilts.

258. No, no. On his knees!

259. Evening. I'm the Ace.

260. And I'll be your tour guide on a magical trip

261. around this 12-inch world I call softball.

262. First up for the Zephyrs: Hank Hill.

263. Ready?

264. All aboard!

265. The Ace pitches, and Hill bunts... to third base.

266. And he makes it to first safely.

267. What?

268. This is where I pitch by smell.

269. Luckily, my catcher hasn't changed his socks all week.

270. Somebody please get him a new pair of socks.

271. Okay, Boomhauer,

272. bring me home!

273. Bring me home!

274. Watch out. The Ace is pitching blindly.

275. And the Zephyrs bunt to third base.

276. Daddy, make it be fun.

277. I ain't your daddy!

278. Oh, you're talking to him.

279. What happened?

280. They bunted again.

281. Good Lord!

282. That's a live ball.

283. No one's ever bunted before.

284. It looks like the Zephyrs are taking advantage

285. of the Ace's confusion, and they score.

286. You were right, Hank!

287. Maybe we can do this.

288. What are these jackasses doing?

289. Don't worry, Boomhauer.

290. I will bring you home!

291. He's going to bunt again?

292. All right, show's over.

293. Here it comes, fat man.

294. Stee-rike!

295. And the Ace has shut down the Zephyrs.

296. Okay, folks, now it's fun time.

297. The Ace is up to bat.

298. All right!

299. And now the pitch.

300. Nice home run.

301. Not funny, but it went far.

302. Well, it looks like we made it to the end, with the Ace 63

303. and the Zephyrs one.

304. Thank God it's finally over.

305. Of course, there will always be the nightmares.

306. Now, we may have lost

307. our undefeated season, but we gave those kids

308. their baseball program back.

309. And no defeat, no matter how, uh...

310. thorough...

311. can change that.

312. Those of you who are left, how about that game?

313. You certainly saw something you can go home and reflect upon.

314. Anyhow, I hereby present this check to the winner,

315. the Ace of Diamonds.

316. Hey, wait!

317. Where you going, Ace?

318. You're supposed to give that money to the kids.

319. Isn't that the deal?

320. Well, if they play anything like you guys,

321. they're better off without it.

322. The real losers Saturday night were the fans.

323. What a travesty.

324. People took their families there to have some fun,

325. and what did they see?

326. Hank Hill bunting and the Ace taking batting practice.

327. It was ugly all right.

328. I put this one in Chad's softball hall of shame.

329. Mm-hmm.

330. Why'd we ever think we could take on

331. the Ace and his Jewels?

332. Hank got me so fired up,

333. I was willing to believe in anything...

334. even myself.

335. I guess I got a bit carried away.

336. I've got to straighten this out

337. and get those kids their money back.

338. Bill, if it's any consolation,

339. I never believed in you.

340. Hello, this is Hank Hill, and I coach the Zephyrs.

341. Yes, those Zephyrs.

342. Listen, do you know where the Ace is playing tonight?

343. No, I don't want to buy a commemorative tour schedule.

344. Couldn't you just tell me the name of the town?

345. It's a Visa.

346. Oh, look.

347. It's the Bunt Brothers.

348. Look, we're real sorry about spoiling the fun.

349. We just wanted to give you a real game,

350. you know, show some pride.

351. I'm sure you can understand that as a fellow athlete.

352. Fellow athlete?

353. I got my picture on some of that gum that looks like tobacco.

354. How about you?

355. All right, I get it.

356. But let's just think about the kids.

357. You always give the winner's check to charity.

358. Yeah. And I always clear a few grand in merchandise

359. and score a little overnight company.

360. But thanks to your boring little stunt,

361. the Ace slept alone last night

362. and has an RV full of unsold bobbleheads.

363. You know what that's like

364. when I go over a railroad crossing?

365. Okay, I admit, I screwed up,

366. but that's no reason to take it out on a bunch of kids.

367. Just give us another shot.

368. We'll take foolhardy leads off first,

369. we'll swing at bad pitches, whatever's funny.

370. Hmm. I'm a nice guy.

371. Maybe if you ask me in baby talk.

372. Well, I don't see how that could make a difference...

373. Oh, God.

374. Uh, can we, uh, pwease have another shot, pwease?

375. Hmm... maybe.

376. Do you know what you did wrong?

377. Uh... maybe we pwayed too sewiouswy.

378. Well, let me think about it.

379. No.

380. I'm sorry, baby. The spiced wine

381. should be hot enough by now.

382. How about you?

383. Listen!

384. This isn't about you and me.

385. This is for the kids.

386. We had a deal.

387. So, a parking lot attendant.

388. You ever park one of these babies?

389. He can't just hide in that damn RV and ignore us.

390. Yes, he can.

391. And when he gets bored, he can just drive away.

392. Well, I'm not gonna let him.

393. Save your breath, Hank.

394. The only thing that could get him out of there

395. is a twister, the RV's only predator.

396. Hope is a vessel dashed upon the rocks of...

397. Oh, what's the point?

398. Wait! I know who can send us a twister!

399. And with the help from our Lor...

400. Oh, what's the point?

401. We're not giving up.

402. We just need to reach down deep

403. and grab what's already in each and every one of us.

404. We've got grit, guts and determination,

405. and we're gonna use them

406. to rock this damn RV

407. until he comes running out of it.

408. Now, let's do this, Zephyrs.

409. Uh-oh. The hair on my back is starting to tingle.

410. Your hair knows something you're about to find out.

411. We're getting those kids their money.

412. Now, come on, Bill.

413. Put your weight in that fender.

414. It really moved.

415. Everyone, grab some aluminum.

416. Donna, take that wheel well.

417. Enrique, put your shoulder into it.

418. Come on, go, go!

419. Ready, set, rock.

420. Believe to achieve!

421. Believe to achieve!

422. Believe to achieve!

423. Wha-What the...

424. Hey. Hey, stop it! I'm entertaining.

425. You know, Ace, we can do this in every town you play in.

426. I bought a commemorative tour schedule from your wife.

427. Your wife?

428. So where are we going tomorrow night?

429. Denton, then Fredericksburg, then into Rumpert.

430. Why bother even putting on cologne?

431. Okay, okay!

432. Take the check!

433. Just stop pushing my house!

434. Way to go, team.

435. Well, I guess that makes the final score

436. Zephyrs one, Ace's house zero.

437. Well, those new uniforms look pretty good,

438. I tell you what.

439. Maybe next year

440. we can raise even more money

441. and get them fur coats and top hats.

442. Ah, fundamentals.

443. I ain't your daddy!