King of the Hill 10x4

Directed by Tricia Garcia

Gary Cole as Vance Gilbert (voice) • Shannon Elizabeth as Candee (voice) • Henry Gibson as Bob Jenkins (voice) • Jonathan Joss as John Redcorn (voice)

When Hank and Peggy try to clean up a historic Arlen landmark, they find out that the town was founded by harlots and was once a place of ill-repute. The new city manager uses the city's rediscovered history to turn the town into a tourist trap for the adult porn industry. Frustrated by the changes, Hank decides to move the family – that is, until he is aided by adult actress Candee.

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1. Okay, I'm at my turnaround point.

2. My breathing has just turned labored.

3. Just a little further, Bobby.

4. Flora, unexceptional.

5. Fauna, one box turtle. I'm sorry, Hank.

6. This will not make my article

7. of "Arlen's Unforgettable Hikes You Can Not Afford To Miss."

8. But we haven't gotten to the best part yet.

9. Wait till you see the Teakettle of the Mount.

10. For years, this miracle of erosion has been a symbol of Arlen.

11. Now, I know what you'll be thinking.

12. Could Mother Nature carve a hill to look just like a teakettle,

13. or did early man help her out?

14. - Well, that's part of the fun of… - Hey, look.

15. We're passing a dump.

16. The Teakettle.

17. And the graffiti.

18. You know, if the Class of '02 really "ruled,"

19. they wouldn't need to write it on a rock.

20. You know what we need to do?

21. We need to march right up there and clean up the Teakettle

22. and then march right back down and clean my bathroom.

23. I say, since alien explorers constructed the Teakettle,

24. it's their job to maintain it.

25. We can't wait for alien explorers to solve all our problems, Dale.

26. I'm going to the Mayor and demand action.

27. Bah.

28. That Mayor is a shell, a mere husk of a man.

29. The real power is with that new City Manager.

30. He tells the Mayor when to jump and how high

31. and often where to land.

32. Is that the guy who turned the hoses on the street musicians?

33. Good man.

34. That's my dad and me

35. in front of the Teakettle.

36. I'm, uh, pretending I'm a teakettle.

37. So how quickly you think you can get a crew up there?

38. It's about 3:30 right now.

39. Hank, I wish I had the money to clean your rock.

40. Heck, I wish I had the money to pipe hot fudge

41. into every house in Arlen.

42. Who's talking about that?

43. But I was hired away from Henrietta, Oklahoma,

44. to get Arlen's financial house in order.

45. Now, should I spend the town's limited funds

46. on fire engines and police cars

47. or on helping you recapture your childhood?

48. - Well, I never said I… - Excuse me.

49. Mr. Gilbert, I am a member of either the fourth or fifth estate,

50. the journalistic community.

51. How would you like the Arlen Bystander's endorsement next election?

52. I'm appointed, not elected.

53. Oh.

54. Well, how would you like to get a recipe published?

55. Folks, if you'll excuse me,

56. Henrietta, Oklahoma, didn't turn itself around,

57. and neither will Arlen.

58. Mister, you are just asking for a letter.

59. I am not gonna let this go.

60. If the city won't help me clean up the Teakettle,

61. I'll clean it up myself.

62. And I will cover your story in the Bystander.

63. I'll rally hundreds of affluent, active, slightly elderly readers.

64. Hey, maybe you can write something about the Teakettle's history.

65. Show everyone why it's so important.

66. You fight the impossible fight.

67. I will make it important.

68. Teakettle, eh?

69. - Someone jump from it? - No.

70. - Hmm… Helicopter smash into it? - No.

71. Well, a word of advice from one scribe to another.

72. Our readers like stories they like to read.

73. The Teakettle's a loser.

74. Abandon ship.

75. I worked all day

76. and barely scratched the surface.

77. Oh, don't give up hope.

78. It turns out that the kettle was a big name draw in its day.

79. President Garfield was here before his assassination.

80. And look, the Texas Rangers built a fort next to it.

81. There is the 1884 Notre Dame football team…

82. and Mark Twain…

83. Wow, the Texas Rangers and Mark Twain.

84. Our little Teakettle, huh?

85. And there's more.

86. Arlen used to be called "Harlen,"

87. but over the years, the "H" was dropped.

88. Maybe someday Houston will become Ouston.

89. Who are these ladies?

90. You are not gonna believe this,

91. but Arlen was founded by women.

92. This one lady here owned the largest pork ranchero in town,

93. and this one was one of the Governor's closest advisors.

94. Well, keep digging, Peggy.

95. This is the kind of gold we need.

96. Oh, I'll dig all right, Hank.

97. My brain is a shovel.

98. Bob, these archives only go back to 1870.

99. Where are the earliest issues of the Bystander kept?

100. Couldn't say.

101. There is an old closet in the break room.

102. But it's sealed off

103. - by the fridge. - Oh.

104. Too bad.

105. Looks like your story ends there.

106. It wouldn't be work, Bobby. It would be a "work party."

107. You and your friends would be scrubbing the Teakettle,

108. but you'd also be listening to the radio and taking short breaks.

109. Let me tell you what I like and don't like about that idea.

110. Hill residence.

111. Meet me at the Bystander. Now.

112. What's going on, Peggy?

113. Did someone put a possum in your desk again?

114. Hank, dignitaries and Notre Dame athletes never came to Arlen to see the Teakettle.

115. Well, of course, they did. You showed me the pictures.

116. That was a convenient cover story.

117. The real attraction was something far different.

118. Hank, before Arlen was Harlen, it was called…

119. "Harlottown?"

120. What does that mean?

121. Harlot town. Town of harlots.

122. Call girls, molls, pink pants, prostitutes.

123. Our beloved Arlen began life as the most notorious brothel in Texas.

124. What?

125. Harlottown became Harlen

126. because people were in such a rush to get here,

127. they didn't have time to say "Harlottown."

128. But the Texas Rangers…

129. They were johns, Hank.

130. I know this is hard.

131. Maybe this Katzenjammer Kids comic will give you a chuckle.

132. I can't believe they're…

133. How could they even find 11 women who would do that?

134. My research shows that Arlen started off as a watering hole on the Chisholm Trail.

135. Some enterprising women invested in a tent and a cot

136. and Harlottown was born.

137. Great reporting, Peggy.

138. Let's get all your notes in one place and I'll fire up the grill.

139. Hank, you are not burning my story on the patio.

140. I am a journalist,

141. and I will not kill a story because it's unpleasant.

142. Sooner or later, the sun is gonna crash into the Earth.

143. And if I survive, it will be my duty to report it.

144. You can't tell the town it was conceived in sin.

145. I have to.

146. Now if you'll excuse me, I am on deadline.

147. "Even with a thousand head of cattle to keep them company,

148. cowboys would get lonely…"

149. "During the 19th century, the Teakettle was so popular

150. that when a gentleman went to sample a harlot's wares,

151. it was said that he had gone 'teakettling.'"

152. If I'd been around back then,

153. maybe I would have rescued one of those teakettling ladies,

154. and she would have been grateful

155. and lived on a farm with me for a few years

156. till she ran away with a traveling preacher.

157. Dad, the City Manager is on the phone.

158. He wants you and Mom in his office ASAP.

159. I want to apologize

160. for my wife, she made a mistake.

161. How about she publishes a retraction, does a couple of jury duties

162. and we forget this ever happened?

163. There was no mistake.

164. I don't care if you throw me in jail,

165. I am not revealing my sources.

166. Aren't your sources just old newspaper clippings?

167. I will neither confirm nor deny.

168. No, you don't understand, I loved your article.

169. It got me thinking,

170. we should clean up the Teakettle,

171. share our town's colorful history with the world.

172. What? Maybe I'm missing something here,

173. but if we tell people we were founded by prostitutes,

174. they'll know.

175. That was over a hundred years ago.

176. When people look back on…

177. Wait, I have an equation to explain this.

178. Scandal plus time

179. equals tourist dollars.

180. Look at Salem, Massachusetts.

181. Almost everyone thinks burning witches is bad now,

182. but Salem is using their unique past to bring in tourist dollars.

183. I've been there, Hank. They have a sewer system par excellence.

184. Plus, it's educational.

185. Hank, if we do not learn from the past, what's the point of even having one?

186. That's going in the brochure.

187. Hank, it is really no big deal.

188. I mean, you never objected to Miss Kitty on Gunsmoke.

189. What about her?

190. Come on, they had all those rooms upstairs,

191. she didn't charge enough for drinks.

192. Not Miss Kitty.

193. Dad, what did the men do all day when the women were out prostituting?

194. Aah.

195. Did your mother write another article?

196. No, it's my history homework.

197. Hank Hill. Kahn Jr. just ask me how much hugs cost in 1870.

198. This your wife Peggy Hill's fault.

199. The kind of thing we should cover up, not teach our kids.

200. You don't have to tell me.

201. Peggy.

202. She's not home, Dad.

203. She's at some committee meeting for the Teakettle.

204. Oh, God, now's there's a committee?

205. That's the last step before a task force.

206. I got to get down there.

207. I go with you.

208. We really tear into Peggy Hill and those other pervs.

209. This is fantastic.

210. Look at all these treasures.

211. Oh, it would be a crime

212. if we didn't put them on display somewhere.

213. Are you talking the main glass case at the central library?

214. Bigger. I'm talking about a museum.

215. Our very own historical museum.

216. The Arlen Heritage Museum.

217. What could be more educational than that?

218. - Yeah. Museum sounds classy. - You haven't voted yet, have you?

219. Because we vote "nay."

220. Careful, Hank.

221. That is an important artifact for the Arlen Heritage Museum.

222. " 25 cents, deluxe shave: four dollars"?

223. - Oh, God. - What you people doing?

224. I didn't move out of cesspool of Anaheim to let you wreck this little town.

225. Kahn, you surprise me.

226. I thought you were the more sophisticated type.

227. Huh? Uh, oh…

228. Oh, Ted, I not see you there. I… uh…

229. Oh, this the kind of stuff you talking about for museum.

230. Oh… very progressive.

231. I'm in.

232. Instead of teaching this stuff to our kids and building a museum of shame,

233. why don't we celebrate the things our town is proud of.

234. The Arlen Soldier and Sailor's Home, the petrified wood collection…

235. That will all be there, too, Hank, but the founding mothers are the money.

236. Mm-hmm.

237. Okay, then,

238. it seems like just about everybody wants to move forward on this.

239. The question is,

240. "What's the best way to tell the world about Arlen's rebirth?"

241. Idea. What if we renamed the upcoming Arlen Days Festival

242. "Harlottown Days?"

243. I would be willing to dress up like a sheriff.

244. I'll be your deputy.

245. Sign a petition and get a free gift. A clean town.

246. You know what I like about you, Hank?

247. You don't care how unpopular your ideas are.

248. Unpopular, huh?

249. Well, Mr. Coyle here happens to agree with me

250. that we don't need this museum.

251. Oh. I thought this petition was in favor of the museum.

252. I can't wait for Harlottown Days.

253. Save Arlen's virtue.

254. Hey, Sheriff Ted,

255. maybe we should arrest Hank for disorderly fuddy-duddiness.

256. Hey, Hank, look.

257. I'm proposing this is what all the tour guides will wear.

258. Is everyone having fun?

259. Harlottown Days has been a smashing success.

260. Everything is on track to make Arlen not just a tourist stop,

261. but a destination.

262. That means lower taxes, new street signs,

263. fire trucks and police cars.

264. And it's all gonna begin right here in the center of town

265. where we're gonna convert the musty old Soldier and Sailor's Home

266. into the new Arlen Museum of Prostitution.

267. "Why don't you come up and see us sometime?"

268. Arlen Museum of… Well, I don't…

269. An erotic bakery?

270. A gentlemen's reading room?

271. Where's the crafts wing?

272. Where's the empowerment exhibit?

273. And now,

274. the big news.

275. Apparently, the secret of our little town has gotten out,

276. and Arlen is the new home of the Texas Adult Video Awards.

277. Adult video?

278. Oh, God.

279. As we speak, they are rolling out the red carpet

280. at the Arlen Junior College Auditorium for the Adult World's shiniest stars.

281. I should have just let history stay buried.

282. I should have stuck to my old beat of reviewing pancake houses.

283. Yeah, well, you were good at that.

284. Let's get going.

285. The porn people will be hitting town any moment.

286. Why are we going to Durndle?

287. No offense, Dad, but you're not a let's-just-go-to-Durndle kind of guy.

288. Uh, I just thought it'd be nice to get out of town.

289. - Looks like a breakdown… - It's some of…

290. them.

291. Now, we shouldn't jump to…

292. Oh, God, a sport jacket with no shirt.

293. Well, maybe they are…

294. that way, but they're also disabled motorists.

295. We have a duty.

296. Peggy, watch the boy.

297. What's the problem, Randy? We did a whole movie about a flat tire.

298. I'm trying, okay?

299. Uh, you folks need a hand?

300. Hey, this part happened in the movie, too.

301. Thank you. I cannot be late tonight.

302. I'm getting a lifetime achievement award.

303. Well, congratulations, I suppose.

304. You do know your transmission is shot, right?

305. Uh, can we borrow your transmission? I mean, just for tonight?

306. Just get in the truck.

307. I guess we can drop you off at your awards show.

308. Hank, what are you doing?

309. Peggy, they tried to fix their engine by changing the tire.

310. They'll die out here.

311. Wow. A real limo.

312. I wish I could have ridden in that.

313. You ever been in one, Mom?

314. Have I. If I had attended my prom, certainly.

315. So how did you folks get into the movies?

316. Hank? Bobby?

317. Hi, John Redcorn. Were you heading someplace?

318. I have a gala.

319. Well, I was hoping you could look after Bobby for a bit.

320. It's kind of important.

321. Would you like an organic Pop-tart?

322. You've sure got a lot less pawn shops than where we usually have these things.

323. What's that?

324. That's the old Arlen water tower.

325. It sure is beautiful.

326. Beautiful and it has more rivets than any structure in Central Texas.

327. You know, I grew up in a small town just like Arlen.

328. Of course, I can never go back.

329. Well, you still have your… career?

330. Hobby?

331. Career?

332. Actually the lifetime achievement award is more of a kiss-off.

333. It's like the industry's saying,

334. "Thanks for the 400 movies, we're real tired of seeing you do it."

335. Uh… right.

336. So, you're out of the business. What's next for Candee?

337. Well, I used to dream of having my own little shop

338. selling baby jewelry or sparkly tennis shoes.

339. But who would want to buy that stuff from someone with my past?

340. You know, Candee, the women who started this town

341. were of, uh, similar repute.

342. But the moment they had a chance to quit, they did.

343. Look, that granary was built

344. by our founding mothers.

345. And that pork processing plant.

346. I thought places like this only existed in the movies.

347. Not my movies.

348. Yeah, well, thanks to our new city manager,

349. and your awards show, and the Museum of Prostitution,

350. it's pretty much never gonna be the same.

351. This is wrong, Hank.

352. And believe me, I know wrong.

353. There has to be something we can do.

354. Candee, where were you?

355. We almost gave the lifetime achievement award

356. to someone else.

357. Do you know your lines, Hank?

358. Yep.

359. These decorations look tacky and inappropriate.

360. Yeah, when I played this out in my head, things looked a lot better.

361. Especially the people.

362. Good evening, everyone.

363. Today marks the beginning of a special relationship

364. between Arlen and the adult film industry.

365. So, welcome, Texas Adult Video Awards,

366. to Arlen. "Come up and see us sometime."

367. And now,

368. the stars come out.

369. The recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award,

370. Candee Lace.

371. Thank you, everyone.

372. I want you all to meet the man who made it possible

373. for me to be here tonight, Hank Hill.

374. - Hank? - Who's he? Is that her first director?

375. No, that would be Nicholas Ruggles.

376. You all know I've played a lot of love scenes in the movies,

377. but today, I fell head over heels for real.

378. I'm announcing my retirement from the adult film business

379. so I can be with my true love, Arlen.

380. No offense, guys, but I don't want this kind of smut in my town.

381. We have a choice to make.

382. Which version of Arlen do we want?

383. The uncut, X-rated one with shocking footage,

384. or the PG one that's grown-up but still appropriate for kids?

385. Now, who here wants to sign my petition to turn Harlottown back to Arlen?

386. I do, Hank.

387. - Now, who else? - Petitions, I've got petitions.

388. Share the pens, people.

389. Let's take a deep breath, everyone.

390. In my Arlen, there won't be any parking meters.

391. Property taxes slashed.

392. Free garbage pickup.

393. I'm the candyman.

394. "Arlen, come up and see us sometime."

395. "Arlen, come up and see us sometime."

396. Huh, kind of puts a new complexion on things

397. when sleazy people think we're too sleazy.

398. You know, I was the first person to come to Hank Hill's side on this.

399. Thank you, Mayor.

400. Looks like decency isn't so unpopular after all, eh, Vance?

401. Wow.

402. She really cleaned up nice.

403. "In 1902, Mark Twain stood on this very spot

404. and remarked on Arlen's natural beauty."

405. Dad, this was almost worth the hike.

406. I don't want to take my eyes off of it.

407. I don't know how to thank you for everything, Hank.

408. Can I get you another pair of shoes?

409. No, no. These are fine.

410. Fine? They're great.

411. I have a gala.