1. Wind, seven miles
per hour from the north.
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2. Barometric pressure 29.73.
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3. Dew point: 64 degrees.
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4. Can't we just listen to music
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5. when we wake up?
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6. Wait. What was
the dew point again?
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7. Uhh...
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8. Morning, Aunt Peggy.
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9. Go home.
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10. Good morning.
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11. Again.
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12. Hope you don't mind.
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13. I crashed on your
couch last night.
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14. I was going to sleep
on the air mattress,
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15. but I fell asleep blowing it up.
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16. Morning, Uncle Hank.
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17. Here you go.
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18. Two dollops of shaving cream
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19. I borrowed from you last week.
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20. Keep the baggie as interest.
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21. Uh... thanks, Lucky,
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22. but you really didn't have to...
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23. Yes, I did.
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24. It would be against
my code of honor
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25. to borrow something
and not pay it back.
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26. As my grandpappy used to say...
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27. Perfect. He's got a grandpappy.
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28. Lucky and I watched
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29. a police chase for
two hours last night.
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30. He says what you're
supposed to do in that situation
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31. is run into a mall.
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32. Well, as Lucky says, "I'm outy."
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33. I am going to snap, Hank.
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34. Lucky never leaves.
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35. Do you know he's having
his TV Guide sent here?
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36. I know. And whenever
I come home,
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37. the TV's always set to
the Game Show Network.
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38. I don't even know why
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39. it bothers me so
much, but it does.
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40. And he's a bad
influence on Luanne.
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41. She can do whatever
she wants with her life:
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42. finish college, open
her own salon...
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43. But she is never
going to do anything
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44. with that loser in the picture.
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45. Hey, is that Lucky on Cops?
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46. I can't believe
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47. that Luanne is
throwing her life away
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48. on a guy whose big claim to fame
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49. is that he "slipped on
pee pee" at the Costco,
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50. and got a $53,000 settlement.
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51. And he's pretty much
blown through that
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52. making his truck shiny.
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53. I don't know.
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54. There's something
about that one tooth of his
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55. that's kind of sexy.
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56. Don't worry, Peggy Hill.
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57. Lucky won't be around forever.
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58. He got hunting accident
written all over him.
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59. Oh, shush! Here he comes.
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60. Ladies, Family Feud's a
Dawson, if y'all want to come on in.
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61. Still warm. Uh-huh.
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62. So Luanne tells me you won
four substitute teacher awards.
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63. Three.
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64. It should have been four.
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65. I guess some people
are happy to say
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66. the same old
Pledge of Allegiance
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67. for the rest of their lives.
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68. Well, I've been thinking
about getting my G.E.D.
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69. I was just wondering if you
could, you know, tutor me?
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70. Ugh! You don't even have
a high school education?
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71. No, ma'am. My formal education
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72. ended at the ninth grade.
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73. That's when I started smoking.
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74. And they wouldn't let
me smoke in school, so...
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75. Wonderful.
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76. I can't even say it
was the wrong choice,
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77. since I been smoking ever since.
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78. I'll see if my schedule permits.
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79. If Hank knew you
touched his underpants,
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80. he'd put you through a wall.
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81. Well, of course I'm
not going to tutor him.
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82. Just the thought of being in
the same room with him... Ugh!
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83. Well, Lucky wants
to earn his G.E.D.
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84. You got to hand it to a guy
who wants to better himself.
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85. If someone wants to learn,
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86. don't you teachers have
some kind of moral obligation?
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87. Well, as much as I hate
to say it, you're right.
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88. As an educator, I have
no choice but to help.
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89. I don't remember if I
took an actual oath,
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90. but I can't imagine
that I didn't.
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91. Morning, all.
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92. Study hard, Lucky.
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93. Whatever you do, don't
correct her Spanish.
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94. Okay, let's get started.
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95. My name is...
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96. Aw, you don't have to
write that, Aunt Peggy.
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97. I'll remember your name.
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98. Mrs. Hill.
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99. I prefer to keep things formal.
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100. Hello, teacher.
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101. Hello, student.
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102. How's my boy doing so far?
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103. Maybe we should schedule a
girlfriend-teacher conference.
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104. That's real funny, baby girl.
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105. I'm dating a
regular Fozzie Bear.
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106. Aw...
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107. Escucha me.
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108. We are starting now.
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109. Bye.
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110. Okay, Lucky, the first
thing we need to do
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111. is work on your reading
comprehension skills.
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112. The Adventures
of Huckleberry Finn,
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113. by Mark Twain.
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114. Your homework is to
read the first 50 pages,
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115. which we will discuss tomorrow.
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116. Hope it's okay with you,
but I already done that.
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117. Luanne mentioned we
were going to read it.
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118. Oh.
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119. I get the feeling that the river
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120. ain't just a river.
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121. Like it's supposed to
represent something.
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122. Am I way off base here?
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123. Let me just refresh myself.
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124. No whammies! No
whammies! No whammies!
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125. Ugh! Game Show Network.
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126. Yep.
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127. Yep.
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128. Mm-hmm.
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129. I got drunk last night,
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130. called in to the
Jewelry Channel again.
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131. They put me on the air,
and I ended up crying.
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132. I bought a ring for Peggy.
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133. Shh! Shh! Shh!
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134. Hey, Peggy. So how's
it going with Lucky?
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135. Not as bad as I
thought it would.
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136. Did you know he'll
be the first person
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137. in his whole family to
get a high school diploma?
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138. Well, how about that?
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139. I'll bet he gets a job
before you know it.
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140. Yeah. Maybe he'll get a
job far away from here...
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141. like China.
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142. God knows, he
loves imitating them.
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143. Lesson number four:
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144. The Civil War. Now...
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145. If all the soldiers who died
at the Battle of Gettysburg
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146. were laid end to end,
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147. they'd stretch all the way
from here to the moon.
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148. Wow!
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149. When you see it like this,
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150. you really get a sense
of the enormity of it all.
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151. Hey, this one
here looks like me.
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152. How's that for
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153. a Twilight Zone?
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154. We'll just call this one
the unknown soldier.
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155. No, Aunt Peggy.
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156. I broke it; I gotta buy it.
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157. Lucky, forget it. No
one's ever gonna know.
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158. I'll know.
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159. In my family, we live by a code.
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160. We don't steal, and if we make
a promise, we damn well keep it.
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161. That's why I wanna get my G.E.D.
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162. And once you get that,
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163. you'll be able to
get a job anywhere.
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164. You know where the
economy's really booming?
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165. China!
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166. No, Aunt Peggy, I don't
want my G.E.D. to get a job.
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167. You don't?
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168. No, ma'am.
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169. Getting my high school degree
is just a little personal milestone
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170. I have to pass.
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171. Once I get that,
I'll be good enough.
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172. Good enough for what?
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173. Good enough to ask
Luanne to marry me.
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174. Don't worry, Aunt
Peggy. That one's on me.
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175. You know, some people like
to keep this stuff on for flavor.
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176. We won't be eating
at their houses.
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177. Hank, you are
not listening to me.
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178. Lucky is planning
to marry Luanne!
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179. I know you don't
think much of Lucky,
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180. but to tell you the truth,
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181. he's a lot better than some
of the guys she's dated.
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182. He's got no prison record,
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183. he always pays
back shaving cream,
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184. and he's, uh... he's, uh...
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185. Well, that's all I
can think of, I guess.
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186. You don't understand.
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187. Luanne has so much potential.
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188. But she's not going
to get anywhere
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189. with that freakin'...
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190. Really?
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191. So you're saying people
actually keep this guck on?
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192. Oh, yeah. Personally, I think
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193. it's an excuse to be lazy.
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194. A grill is meant...
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195. The man is an anchor
around her neck, Hank!
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196. Oh, we're not really
talking about the grill.
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197. Did you know he doesn't
even plan on getting a job?
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198. He just wants the G.E.D.
for his stupid code of honor.
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199. Education for education's sake.
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200. What a waste!
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201. Wait, I'm getting
ahead of myself.
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202. Maybe Lucky won't
even pass the test.
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203. Oh, of course,
he'll pass the test.
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204. These things are designed
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205. so that even a high school
dropout can pass them.
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206. Unless...
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207. I purposely taught him
the wrong information.
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208. You know you
can't do that, right?
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209. I know.
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210. I just wish that loser would...
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211. So if the guck stays
on long enough, will it...
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212. I'm not an idiot.
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213. I know when you say
"guck" you really mean...
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214. divorce...?
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215. Crack?
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216. Condoms.
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217. So, Lucky wants to
propose to Luanne.
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218. It's weird, Hank.
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219. I always thought you'd
be the next to get married...
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220. after you left Peggy, of course.
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221. Does this mean Lucky's gonna
take my place at Thanksgiving?
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222. I know how many
folding chairs you have.
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223. Yeah, well, Peggy
sure doesn't like Lucky.
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224. But he's really not
such a bad guy,
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225. when you get right down to it.
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226. Oh, yeah.
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227. Lucky just who you want
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228. in your gene pool.
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229. Your family going to
evolve backwards into fish!
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230. Okay, the square
root of 16 is four.
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231. The square root of 25 is five.
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232. Excuse me, Aunt Peggy.
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233. Aw, Baby Doll, you
don't need to do that!
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234. Yuh-huh!
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235. You need to study!
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236. Besides, I like
cleaning stuff for you.
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237. Lucky,
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238. you know how I said
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239. the square root of 25 is five?
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240. Yes, ma'am.
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241. It's also six.
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242. Really?
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243. So a number can
have two square roots?
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244. That's weird.
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245. Yep. There are all sorts
of weird things in math.
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246. For example, did you know
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247. that any number
multiplied by itself is zero?
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248. There's just so
much to remember.
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249. Do you think I can learn all
this in time for the big test?
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250. I hope so.
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251. Now, two times two?
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252. Zero!
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253. Very good.
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254. Okay, name the
three states of matter.
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255. Solid, liquid, and gel.
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256. Correct! Yeah!
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257. Wait a minute, that
doesn't sound right.
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258. Ahh, I think it is, Bobby.
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259. It's right here on one of
Aunt Peggy's flashcards.
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260. But, Mom, I thought...
Bobby, fire drill!
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261. Come on!
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262. Drop and roll!
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263. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
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264. Good boy! Come on,
little man! Yeah, turn it!
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265. Pi r squared...
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266. Now what's the
value of pi again?
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267. Oh, right.
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268. 90210.
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269. Stupid idiot.
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270. You just gave away the answer.
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271. Mine!
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272. Okay,
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273. I know the piece I want.
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274. It should start
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275. at the corner, wrap
around this rose,
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276. then double back to
get the "L" from Lucky.
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277. Mom, are you listening?
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278. He's here!
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279. He's here!
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280. I couldn't find a
graduation hat,
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281. so I glued Dad's Willie
Nelson album to the dog bowl.
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282. Eh?
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283. Yeah, maybe we should hold off
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284. until he opens
up his test results.
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285. Oh, and Luanne, why don't
you fold that banner up nicely
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286. just in case you
need to return it.
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287. Hey, everybody,
moment of truth is here.
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288. I...
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289. failed.
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290. What?
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291. I don't understand.
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292. Well, that's probably
why you failed.
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293. But don't beat yourself up.
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294. Some things just
aren't meant to be.
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295. Well, at least you tried, Lucky.
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296. For a lot of coaches these
days, that would be enough.
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297. Hey, Wheel of Fortune
is probably on now.
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298. It could be a Woolery.
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299. I know you're sad
right now, Lucky,
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300. but I think I could
tell you something
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301. that will cheer you up.
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302. No, I don't think so.
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303. Oh, I think so.
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304. Okay, everybody, I'm pregnant!
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305. Hooray!
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306. Well, how-dee!
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307. You were right, baby girl,
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308. that did put a smile on my face.
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309. When did this happen?
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310. Did this happen here?
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311. It better not have
happened here.
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312. Isn't this great?
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313. Now we can start a
family and get married.
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314. Whoa, whoa, let's
just rip the needle
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315. off that record right now.
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316. But I'm not playing a record.
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317. I'll start a family
with you, Luanne,
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318. even shack up with you,
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319. but I made a promise:
without my G.E.D.,
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320. I ain't good enough
to marry you, no way.
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321. I just can't.
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322. I'm gonna be sick,
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323. and I don't mean "baby sick."
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324. Oh, no!
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325. Oh, God, I've let us all down!
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326. Oh, Lucky!
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327. What do you mean
you can't marry me?
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328. Yeah, what do you
mean you can't marry her?
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329. Bobby, get Mommy a
cold towel and a bourbon.
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330. Luanne, you know
I've wanted to marry you
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331. ever since I first
set eyes on you,
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332. but I had to prove
that I was worthy,
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333. which means having
a high school diploma
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334. under my arm.
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335. Heck, I always
thought I'd say my vows
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336. wearing one of them
black judge robes
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337. and a flat hat.
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338. I don't care if you wear
Bobby's dog bowl hat
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339. and my bathrobe,
you're going to marry her.
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340. I know that at
times it can be hard
Copy !req
341. to wrap your head around
the code, but trust me,
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342. it's all for the best.
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343. This is ridiculous.
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344. Maybe Lucky has a point.
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345. Huh?
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346. I know it's not how we did it,
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347. but plenty of people have kids
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348. without being
married these days.
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349. You know, keeps things casual.
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350. Casual?
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351. Thanks for being my
teacher, Aunt Peggy.
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352. I wish I was a better student.
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353. How could you not
want them married?
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354. They want to be together.
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355. Look, Hank, it's going
to be hard enough
Copy !req
356. for Luanne to
reach her potential
Copy !req
357. while caring for a baby.
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358. She does not need Lucky
weighing her down, too.
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359. Weighing her down?
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360. Look, I don't think
having Lucky around
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361. as a husband and father is going
Copy !req
362. to hurt Luanne's chances to become
an astronaut or a brain surgeon.
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363. We just need to make
the best of a bad situation
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364. and help those two get married.
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365. Damn it, Bobby, where's
Mommy's bourbon?
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366. Hey, maybe they'll
name the baby Dennis
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367. after where he was
conceived... Your den.
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368. Shut up, Dale.
Copy !req
369. So when's the wedding, Hank?
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370. Is it before or after
the baby shower?
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371. There's, uh, not
going to be a wedding.
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372. Lucky won't marry Luanne.
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373. It's got something to do
with his weird code of honor.
Copy !req
374. And you bought that?
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375. Well, according to
my code of honor,
Copy !req
376. I can't return the jigsaw
I borrowed from you.
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377. Yes, I broke into your garage.
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378. That's part of my code, too.
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379. What kind of code of
honor makes you return
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380. a baggie of shaving cream
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381. but won't let you marry
a girl you got pregnant?
Copy !req
382. I recognize that walk.
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383. Somewhere there's an
ass that's about to be kicked.
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384. Well, at least I won't
need to buy shoes.
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385. The baby can wear mine.
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386. My mama was smart
enough to dip 'em in bronze
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387. so they'd keep.
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388. Oh, sug, your little
one is not going
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389. to be walking around
in metal shoes.
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390. We're going to throw
you a big 'ol baby shower.
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391. Make sure you get
everything you need.
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392. Really?
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393. Yes, and you'll
fall in love again.
Copy !req
394. Single mothers are very
popular on the dating circuit.
Copy !req
395. As a matter of fact,
Copy !req
396. Us magazine says that
babies have replaced
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397. those little portable rat dogs
Copy !req
398. as the newest fashion accessory.
Copy !req
399. Yeah, there are plenty
of other fish in the sea.
Copy !req
400. Fish with jobs, fish who won't
bail when they knock you up.
Copy !req
401. But I don't want another fish.
Copy !req
402. I want Lucky.
Copy !req
403. Even though Lucky is his
name, I always considered
Copy !req
404. myself to be the lucky one.
Copy !req
405. Whenever we went to the
mall and someone would yell,
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406. "Hey, Lucky!" we'd
both turn around.
Copy !req
407. Luanne, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
408. Sug, you have
nothing to be sorry for.
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409. You tried to tutor that boy,
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410. but there's just some things
a monkey cannot learn.
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411. Thanks for trying, Aunt Peggy.
Copy !req
412. I know you did
everything you could.
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413. I say you're going to marry her.
Copy !req
414. And I say I ain't good enough.
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415. And I say
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416. yes, you are.
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417. You do?
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418. I'm not going to
lie to you, Lucky,
Copy !req
419. even though I've
lied to you before.
Copy !req
420. I have never been thrilled
with you dating my niece.
Copy !req
421. I did not think you could
help her reach her potential,
Copy !req
422. but all I really want
is for her to be happy.
Copy !req
423. I want you to marry Luanne.
Copy !req
424. No, it's just not...
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425. I know, I know,
Copy !req
426. your family's freakin'
code of honor.
Copy !req
427. Maybe this will
change your mind.
Copy !req
428. I intentionally made
you fail that test.
Copy !req
429. You did what?
Copy !req
430. Yeah, yeah, I
was wrong. I get it.
Copy !req
431. Lucky, I sabotaged you.
Copy !req
432. You would've passed
if it weren't for me.
Copy !req
433. Probably by the skin of
your broken little teeth,
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434. but you would have passed.
Copy !req
435. I don't believe you.
Copy !req
436. Your code of honor
wouldn't allow it.
Copy !req
437. Code of honor?
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438. I don't have a code of honor.
Copy !req
439. Who the hell has
a code of honor?
Copy !req
440. I have a code of honor.
Copy !req
441. I wish there was
some way around this,
Copy !req
442. but there ain't.
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443. God knows I wish there was,
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444. but a man that breaks
his code is no kind of man.
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445. Wait. Now, you said you
would have been the first person
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446. in your family to graduate
high school, right?
Copy !req
447. True.
Copy !req
448. Well, then how did
any of them get married
Copy !req
449. if they all had this
family code of honor.
Copy !req
450. Oh, a high school education
wasn't part of their code.
Copy !req
451. My father said he wouldn't marry
Copy !req
452. till he became the undisputed
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453. heavyweight
champion of the world.
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454. Your dad was the heavyweight
champion of the world?
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455. No, he could never
make the weight
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456. or take a punch to the jaw.
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457. And my grandpappy said
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458. he wouldn't marry till
he spoke perfect French.
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459. I'm guessing grandpappy
never got past "Bonjour."
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460. Nope.
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461. Then how the heck did
any of them get married?
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462. Uh, Hank, I think
what we're looking at
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463. is the last of a long
line of bastards.
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464. Oh, they all got married,
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465. but those were all
shotgun weddings.
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466. So they didn't have
a choice in the matter.
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467. Luanne Leeanne Platter...
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468. would you make me
the happiest man in the...
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469. Hold on. Is that gun cocked?
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470. It's got to be cocked.
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471. I'm not going to cock it.
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472. Okay, I'm in no position
to make demands.
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473. Luanne...
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474. I'd like you to be my bride.
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475. Oh, Lucky, yes, yes, yes!
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476. Ya-hoo!
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477. Just a second.
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478. Uncle Hank, now you
got to kick me in the ribs.
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479. Come on. This is ridiculous.
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480. I said I'd hold the gun, but...
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481. Welcome to the family, Lucky.
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482. Ooh!
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483. No Whammies! No
whammies! No whammies!
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