King of the Hill 10x11

Directed by Robin Brigstocke

Tom Petty as Lucky (voice) • Big Boi as Reverend Nealey (voice) • Danny Trejo as (voice) • David Herman as (voice) • Sal Lopez as (voice)

When Reverend Stroup gives the Hills' pew at the Arlen First Methodist Church to another family, Hank and his family decide to find another church. A slick pastor tries to bribe the Hills into worshipping at his Megachurch.

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1. I can't believe we're going to be late for church.

2. Bobby, you spring forward, not spring back.

3. Yes.

4. Hank, we're gonna make it on time, God willing.

5. And if He's not willing,

6. He's giving me way too many green lights.

7. We are still gonna make it.

8. Shoot.

9. Uh, excuse me. Uh, these are our seats.

10. - Pardon me? - Uh, you're probably new here.

11. Uh, this is where my family always sits.

12. So, uh, do you think maybe you could, uh, you know, sit somewhere else?

13. We're kind of settled in here.

14. Well, no problem. We'll help you move.

15. Look, we're staying. Maybe you could sit somewhere else.

16. - But… it's just… - Give it up, Hank.

17. We'll have to sit in the back with the coughers.

18. And now I would like to welcome

19. the newest members of Arlen First Methodist.

20. Would the Smith family please stand up and accept our blessings? Uh… Oh.

21. There you are, right down in front.

22. And that is how Jesus…

23. I can't get comfortable.

24. What'd she say? I can't hear anything.

25. Oh, great. Now the sun's gonna bounce off that cross,

26. and it's gonna hit me right in the eye.

27. Ah. Dang it.

28. It's just not right.

29. I've been in the same place 12 years.

30. I know God's up there, and He knows

31. I'm smack dab in the middle of the second pew.

32. That was really embarrassing at church this morning

33. when you yelled out "What?"

34. Reverend Stroup acted like that new family owned the place.

35. That's silly, Hank.

36. Everybody knows our church is owned by General Electric himself.

37. I'm having trouble letting this pew situation go, Peggy.

38. - I don't know, maybe I'm just being petty. - You're not petty, honey.

39. It is Stroup who has lost touch with the little things that matter.

40. I have offered her countless ideas for adding some pizzazz to that church.

41. She's rejected them all.

42. Maybe we should try the new megachurch.

43. I don't want to change churches.

44. Besides, that place is too big.

45. What's it got, 5,000 some-odd members?

46. And it pampers all of them.

47. They have their very own coffee shop, florist, mini-mart, bank,

48. and a dry cleaner that accepts all competitors' coupons.

49. If I wanted to go that route,

50. I could just walk around the mall and think about Jesus.

51. No, I'm just gonna go have a talk with Reverend Stroup.

52. You see, we were running late,

53. and when we got here, someone was sitting in our seats.

54. Your seats?

55. Yes, ma'am, where we always sit. Second row, right side, inside aisle.

56. That new family was sitting there.

57. Oh, the Smiths. Lovely young family.

58. Anyway, we were wondering if you could talk to them

59. so it doesn't happen again.

60. Hey, I know. Why don't we assign seats?

61. I could make up a chart.

62. Even if I wanted to, and I don't, I can't do that.

63. This is God's house, not mine, not the Smiths', not yours.

64. Hank, let it go.

65. Okay, then.

66. So, what do you do with an artichoke?

67. Do you eat it?

68. Yeah, just not the furry part that looks like asbestos, honey.

69. Uh, if a fellow was looking for a new church,

70. does anyone know a good one?

71. I got a great church. You're gonna love it.

72. My church is made out of steel.

73. You got to be right with God to go to my church, honey.

74. It's hardcore.

75. All right, all right, everyone, break it up.

76. Give the man some room.

77. Thank you, sir.

78. You're coming with me, boy.

79. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is here. Get back, Satan, get back there.

80. Jesus love and Jesus Man.

81. Jesus, Jesus, promised land.

82. Whoo! A-hoo.

83. I just want a decent, normal church. Is that too much to ask?

84. You had a perfectly good church and you were disloyal to it.

85. Reverend Stroup was the one who was disloyal, not me.

86. Me, I don't go to church.

87. Church goes with me.

88. I'm worshipping when I'm drinking a beer, digging a hole or fishing for trout.

89. Wow, that's beautiful, Lucky.

90. Luanne, I happen to know it's asinine.

91. Hank, we have no choice. It is time to try the megachurch.

92. You know, the preacher used to be a quarterback

93. for the Texas Longhorns.

94. Yeah, and I still don't want to go. That ought to tell you something.

95. Fine, we won't go to any church.

96. You and I and our son

97. will live the barren, empty lives of secular humanists.

98. Dad.

99. Well, I guess I can understand buying coffee in church,

100. but do you really think Jesus recommends Nat King Cole?

101. Chai Tea Latte for Reverend Stroup.

102. God bless you… Wait, is there cinnamon in there?

103. Reverend Stroup? What the heck is she doing here?

104. Do you think she's looking for us?

105. This is gonna be so freaking awkward.

106. Pretend we're buying a travel mug.

107. - We don't use the ones we've got. - Pretend, Hank.

108. She's coming this way.

109. Oh, I can't be here for this.

110. Hank? Peggy?

111. Reverend Stroup. Uh, it, it's Sunday morning.

112. Shouldn't you be over at First Methodist?

113. Well, I just popped over before services for a coffee and a cruller.

114. They're free to all local clergy.

115. Why are you here?

116. We've, uh, well, you know, been trying out a few churches.

117. Trying out?

118. Is, is this over the seats?

119. You've got to be kidding.

120. First, you ignore my idea about open mic Sundays,

121. then you take away our seats.

122. You reap what you sow, Reverend.

123. If you want a pastry or some Christian-themed paper goods,

124. you can't beat this place,

125. but you can't seriously be thinking of worshipping at this behemoth.

126. Now, hold on.

127. Just because a place is big, doesn't mean it's bad.

128. The Pentagon's good.

129. Hank, it's times like these,

130. I like to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"

131. And you know what He'd do, Hank? He would grow up.

132. You know what, Reverend?

133. I'm glad I ran into you so I could tell you to your face.

134. We're switching to this church, and we're never coming back.

135. Just for the record,

136. the Smiths have been sitting in your seats every week since you left,

137. and they sing.

138. The tram to the sanctuary is now boarding.

139. Parishioners, please keep your arms and legs

140. inside the vehicle.

141. Oh, God.

142. What have I gotten us into?

143. Oh, I recognize that look.

144. You either just got mugged or you're first-timers.

145. I'm Bryce Carmody, the liaison for new members.

146. I see you already enjoyed our coffee bar. How is it?

147. Uh… it's good.

148. So, would you say you were satisfied or extremely satisfied?

149. Well, I guess I'd say I'm extremely satisfied.

150. What's that?

151. That is our renowned youth handbell choir.

152. They have played at halftime of the Nokia Sugar Bowl.

153. And they're always looking for a new pair of hands.

154. Uh… there's a grown-up in charge, right?

155. You don't just leave kids alone with a bunch of bells?

156. Absolutely. Mrs. Porter watches those kids like a hawk.

157. I want to make it clear that we're just looking.

158. We sort of had a falling out with our old church

159. because of a situation with our pews.

160. Boy, do I understand situations.

161. A few years ago, I made top salesman at McNabb Motors.

162. The one thing people don't realize about car dealerships is

163. the easy access to cocaine. Whoo.

164. But God was still looking out for me.

165. Sent my wife to taser me in the shower. Praise the Lord.

166. Of course, then my wife was tempted,

167. you know, by the company of other men.

168. Bryce, um, I'm glad I ran into you.

169. We got a situation with a hostile goose in the parking lot.

170. I'm on it,

171. You folks looked like you needed some rescuing.

172. Bryce can get a little too enthusiastic, but he's a good man.

173. You're Reverend Nealey.

174. I recognize you from the bus benches.

175. I am Peggy Hill.

176. This is my husband, Hank.

177. It's TV the way I always dreamed TV could be.

178. High def.

179. We televise services on it.

180. And then, afterwards, we've been known to leave it on for the Cowboy game.

181. Well, we better hurry up if we want to get good seats.

182. No need to rush. The seating's assigned.

183. I think we've found a new home.

184. Uh, Nealey.

185. Okay, just calm down.

186. Why don't you just order the bigger envelopes?

187. This is the same thing we went through with the cups. What?

188. How could you schedule carpet cleaning on Sunday morning?

189. What do you think we're doing here?

190. Hmm. May I make a suggestion?

191. I would welcome it.

192. You need help.

193. Well, I admit I was skeptical at first,

194. but that church really understands the concept of customer service.

195. Check this out.

196. Eh. What's that alien transponder-like device?

197. Bryce Carmody, the new member honcho, is a manager at Rattlers Steakhouse.

198. He gives 'em out to church members.

199. It vibrates and lights up whenever there's important church news.

200. It's like being paged by God without being killed.

201. Why don't y'all come next Sunday?

202. I'll be honest with you, Hank.

203. You leaving Arlen First Methodist

204. is the best thing that ever happened to me.

205. Stroup is so desperate to keep members from jumping ship,

206. she turned the last two pews into a smoking section.

207. Yeah. Who knows how far she'll go to keep us?

208. When I hugged her after the service,

209. I lingered a little and I was not rebuffed.

210. Oh. There it goes.

211. I better get on the horn with Bryce.

212. Hey, Bryce, what's up?

213. The sermon? Extremely satisfied.

214. The Rattlers Steakhouse disc? Extremely satisfied.

215. I'll tell you who's not extremely satisfied.

216. The Lord. With Uncle Hank.

217. And when he gets unsatisfied, he smites.

218. Now, baby doll,

219. we should be tolerant of other people's religion.

220. I guess you're right.

221. Where are you and God gonna be today?

222. Getting a fuel filter for my truck at Western Auto.

223. Now, with our volume in communion wafers,

224. I thought the price would be more competitive.

225. Oh. Uh… Could you hold? Yes?

226. Oh, uh, I'll try and transfer you. Uh, oh…

227. Peace be with you. Please hold.

228. Peace be with you, please hold.

229. About those communion wafers.

230. Yeah, we want the same price you give the Baptists.

231. Done.

232. Thank you, Peggy.

233. You are a gift straight from heaven.

234. I really am.

235. You know, Reverend Stroup never got that.

236. All right, Apostles, let's huddle up.

237. Bryce, I think I can get deep on old Ace Bandage over there.

238. Dear Lord, we ask you to watch over this play.

239. Oh.

240. Oh, I thought we were covered by the pre-game prayer. Sorry.

241. So Nancy was talking with Don Ringles,

242. the sportscaster at channel 84.

243. Guess which NFC starting quarterback

244. is gay.

245. Now, it's not who you think.

246. Hey, Bryce. Another survey, huh?

247. Well, let's see, uh, extremely satisfied.

248. Condition of the field, extremely satisfied.

249. Overall experience, uh…

250. Satisfied.

251. Uh, just satisfied.

252. Well, I guess I deserve that for having spent 13 years dealing weed

253. out of my grandmother's house.

254. Uh, you know, I just got home from work,

255. and I'm not thinking clearly.

256. Uh, you know, remembering back, I was extremely satisfied.

257. - Great. See you in an hour. - Huh?

258. The woodworking club.

259. They get together every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

260. I knew you'd want to check it out.

261. Reverend Nealey. Oh, no.

262. I'm very sorry to hear that.

263. Your mother was one of my favorite parishioners.

264. Sign here, here, here and here.

265. Um, Peggy, I'm on the phone.

266. Oh. Oh, sorry.

267. Sign here, here, here and here.

268. No, it's okay.

269. - You cry if you need to. - Hey.

270. Which one do you like better?

271. This is an extremely personal matter about one of our members.

272. Oh, of course.

273. I can't wait to get home and have a beer in the alley.

274. You know, I'll bet Dale has an interesting take

275. on that new super-flu.

276. Come on, everyone.

277. Hop on board for the midnight movie.

278. You love movies, Hank.

279. I say,

280. even beaten to a pulp, Jim Caviezel is one handsome man.

281. I feel kind of dizzy.

282. Me too.

283. It's 2:00 in the morning. We've been here over 16 hours.

284. Well, let's go home and go to bed.

285. Church starts in six hours.

286. Peggy, we need to talk about the new church.

287. I think things are moving a little fast.

288. I know. After years of being ignored by Reverend Stroup,

289. in just a few days, I have become a player in the ninth biggest church in Texas.

290. Well, I'm glad for you and all,

291. but we haven't had any family or friend time.

292. I haven't been in the alley in three days.

293. God knows what's been going on there.

294. Oh, Hank, come on, honey, the sky's getting light, go to sleep.

295. We'll talk about it on the way to church.

296. Huh.

297. Clergy business. Please step aside.

298. You know, uh, I didn't get much sleep. I, I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.

299. Yes, Bocephus, I am most definitely ready for some football.

300. Hey, Uncle Hank.

301. You scared the bejesus out of me, Lucky.

302. I thought you were Peggy.

303. Monday Night Football's on Sunday now, too?

304. Sweet.

305. Say, aren't you supposed to be in church?

306. Well, I'm fed up with church.

307. My old one didn't pay any attention to me and my new one won't leave me alone.

308. You need to get in touch with God, not church.

309. - You know what I mean? - Uh, kind of.

310. Yep, I find that sometimes church just gets in the way.

311. That's why I have my own services at the Point After Lounge.

312. Want to come with?

313. I don't know if I can go to a bar on Sunday morning.

314. Look at your TV reception, friend.

315. I think the Lord is trying to tell you to go to the Point After.

316. Mic check, mic check. Testing one, two, three.

317. Before I introduce Reverend Nealey, I have a few announcements.

318. If anyone taped last week's Amazing Race, please drop the tape off at my office.

319. And nobody talk about it until I see it.

320. That's enough.

321. Hey, Aunt Peggy. Baby doll.

322. Lucky.

323. Where have you been?

324. I was going to call the police, but I don't know your last name.

325. Where have you been?

326. Uh, we were at the, uh, the Point After Lounge.

327. They make a French dip stuffed with a whole pound of roast beef.

328. I was, uh, trying out Lucky's way of worshipping.

329. It's, uh, kind of… I guess you'd call it lax.

330. Anyway, it's not a stretch that you might end up in a bar.

331. Here's the thing.

332. I'm done with church. Period.

333. Sorry, Lucky.

334. Well, thank you for at least giving my way some consideration.

335. I am not hearing this.

336. If you don't go to church, you'll go to hell.

337. You don't think Lucky's going to hell, do you?

338. Lucky is true to his faith.

339. You are a apostate.

340. It's a Bible-study word for you'll go to Hell.

341. I rebuke you, Hank.

342. Um, I'm having a little trouble standing up.

343. You can keep being mad at me,

344. but I'm just gonna sit down and rest my eyes.

345. Consider this an intervention.

346. Reverend Nealey is here to make you come to your senses, Hank.

347. Please don't take this the wrong way, Reverend,

348. but I, I don't want to go to your church anymore.

349. I must admit, I'm a little surprised.

350. I was getting reports from Bryce that you were extremely satisfied.

351. And I was for a little while, but your church,

352. no offense, it just keeps coming at you.

353. I understand, Hank.

354. See, I went to a big state school with a lot of options and activities,

355. and that was good for me,

356. but some people want to go somewhere a little smaller.

357. I'm guessing that's what your old church was like.

358. - Yeah. - Maybe that's where you belong.

359. I can't tell you what play to call, Hank,

360. but I know someone who might have an opinion.

361. Yes, and my opinion is that Hank should suck it up

362. and stay at our wonderful new church.

363. I don't belong there, Peggy.

364. But I can't go back to Reverend Stroup with my tail between my legs.

365. The Lord will help you find a way to get back to your old church,

366. and He will probably insist that Peggy go with you.

367. Oh, now, Reverend, I can't leave you like that, you need me.

368. - My loss. - No. No. We'll think of something.

369. This does not have to be goodbye.

370. Yes, it does.

371. - Pray on it, Hank. - Wha…

372. Megachurch…

373. Extremely satisfied…

374. Stroup… pews…

375. Thank you, God.

376. Hank. You came back.

377. Yeah, uh, it seems that God thinks I should be here.

378. God knows best.

379. That's why he's God.

380. And He would want me to forgive you and welcome you back.

381. Yep. Oh, and by the way, that's where God wants me to sit.

382. Uh, where are the Smiths?

383. Well, it seems they found out the megachurch has day care,

384. a movie club, and Bible bingo.

385. Oh, really?

386. Yeah, that place is good for them, but we really like it here.

387. That is, unless we have to worry about our seats being taken every week.

388. I can't promise anything, Hank.

389. Well, I can't promise you Bill won't find out

390. that the megachurch has Christian speed dating.

391. And Dale and Boomhauer love to ride on trams.

392. Welcome back, Hank.

393. Please take…

394. …your seat.

395. Good to see you again, Lord.