Key & Peele 5x7

1. Man—forget this fool, man. He's fronting.

2. Ain't no one here scared of you, you fake-ass gangster.

3. Get your fake ass up out of here!

4. You were scared for, like, a minute, though.

5. This eating his gun.

6. What you looking at?

7. Oh, my God.

8. My mother is candid to a fault.

9. I had a girlfriend in college,

10. and she's like, "Well, have you had sex with that young woman?"

11. Mother, I'd really rather not talk about it,

12. if you don't mind.

13. "Have you had sex— I'm asking."

14. "Well, my concern is that if she is a virgin

15. and that—you know, sometimes that can be painful."

16. - Mother. - This is...

17. "All I'm saying is, do you go around back?

18. I'm asking you, do you go around the back?"

19. No, Mom, I don't.

20. I don't go around back.

21. "Well, it's a surefire way to not get preggies."

22. "Yep, as long as she's fine with it."

23. Really?

24. She just wants to open up the communication.

25. It's—I don't—I don't want to open up anything.

26. "And maybe—maybe that'll feel better for your peepee."

27. Oh, God, please.

28. "What kind of lube do you use?"

29. Mother, nobody wants to talk about this at all.

30. - What you think it is?

31. - Hey, what's up, y'all? - Ooh, dude!

32. Hey, what you guys playing?

33. Oh, nothing. Just a little DVD, right?

34. - Mm-hmm. - What DVD?

35. Uh, it came for you in the mail.

36. It says, "To my fresh, dope son from MC Mom."

37. - I can't wait to see it. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

38. (all) Hey, whoa!

39. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. - No, please, guys, guys.

40. If there's one thing we're gonna do today,

41. we are playing that DVD.

42. Come on.

43. - Come on, man. - Oh, yeah.

44. Oh, yes.

45. Oh, God. Please, man.

46. Did you produce this track? No, no, sit down.

47. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

48. - Yo.

49. - Got on the mom jeans. - Whoo!

50. Look at the sweater. Look at the sweater.

51. - Wow. - She—is she rapping?

52. Word up.

53. - Whoa! - Oh, my God.

54. Okay, she got that running man down.

55. - Look at Mom. - Can we please turn this off?

56. - Oh, no, no. - He said turn it up.

57. - Turn it up. - Turn it up.

58. Turn up.

59. Mom!

60. - Come on, Mom! - Okay.

61. Man, what—what is wrong with you, bro?

62. I spilled a soda on that magazine.

63. Right.

64. - Mom, what? ♪ I overreacted

65. - Okay, okay. - Sorry I spanked you.

66. (all) Oh! - Why!

67. - No. - She sniffed.

68. That is wrong.

69. How many crispy socks she gonna find, dog?

70. We're gonna turn it off right now.

71. Come on, you guys. Come on.

72. We started it. We gonna finish it.

73. Oh. Oh, the beat changed up.

74. Peace.

75. (all) Oh!

76. - Man! - Yo, yo, MC Mom...

77. (all) Put the pussy on the chainwax! Ah!

78. Okay.

79. Excuse me, big man, big man, big man?

80. Excuse me, big man, though.

81. But big man. Okay, God bless you.

82. I'll catch you on the up flip.

83. Thank you, big man. Thank you, big man.

84. - Hey, brother. - Hey.

85. Can I ask you a question real quick though, brother man?

86. Oh, see, that's good 'cause I was about

87. to ask you a question right quick.

88. Okay, so here's the deal, man. Crazy thing.

89. My car ran out of gas about a mile up the road.

90. That's why I was wondering if I could get a little bit of money,

91. you know, just get a couple of gallons.

92. Oh, that's crazy, 'cause you know what?

93. This—my car had also broke down right up the road.

94. I got my daughter here. She five.

95. - Okay—oh, oh. - She sleeping in the car.

96. I got to get back to her real quick.

97. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - So if you could help me out.

98. Pssh, I was gonna ask you if you could help me.

99. Oh—oh, okay.

100. Let me just give you my wallet out here and show you my ID

101. to let you know that I am straight up legits real.

102. I ain't trying—trying to do nothing to nobody, okay.

103. Okay, on the issue of legitimacy,

104. - I too have an identification. - Okay.

105. That's a employee ID from Borders bookstore.

106. You see right here, I got my Bally's

107. Total Fitness ID right there.

108. Okay, okay.

109. Shows you that I stay fit and conscientious and whatnot.

110. You'll also notice that these other IDs I have in my hand

111. have the same name on it, which makes you know

112. that it is indeed me.

113. Right there, okay.

114. Okay, I too have multiple IDs, crescendoing in this.

115. Dun da-da da. Yogurtland punch card.

116. Okay, yeah, I see that right there.

117. You see that right there.

118. That is almost my ninth purchase, apparently,

119. and you can't fake that.

120. You get a free ten ounce yogurt for that.

121. - Yeah, all right. - All right.

122. So normally I would not ask another person for assistance,

123. but our—our—our family is in a fiduciary crisis right now.

124. Yeah.

125. My wife is languishing in the hospital.

126. She a construction worker,

127. and what happened is she got struck in the face

128. by a power line.

129. Fried her whole head up. Burnt both her eyeballs out.

130. She's getting eyeball replacement surgery as we speak.

131. Oh, see, I also have a spousal injury crisis

132. on my midst as well.

133. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

134. My wife was in the astronaut program,

135. making her a full-fledged astronaut.

136. Okay, impressive.

137. And she had gotten moon dust in her lungs.

138. Inhaled, you don't wanna get—

139. That's never good. It's never good.

140. - You don't want that. - Nah, nah.

141. So maybe we could find a ATM or something like that.

142. Okay, so where—yeah, perhaps if you—

143. Oh, look, that's one over there.

144. - Oh, my gosh. - That's a ATM.

145. What's—what's the chances of it?

146. Let's go to that ATM.

147. We should probably check that out.

148. Yeah, let's just take a look right there.

149. Oh, stay with me, brother.

150. - Here we are. - Why, here we are.

151. ATM machines that I did not know previously were here.

152. All right. Two of them, no less.

153. I'll tell you what we should do, though, man.

154. - All right. - You give me the $20, okay.

155. Yeah.

156. I'll give you the $3 that's on my person.

157. Yes?

158. Then I will give you the $17 after.

159. Then you give me that $17.

160. I'll cut you a check for $100 just to cover that.

161. You give me the change in cash.

162. - Okay, okay, I feel that. - Why am I playing?

163. I'm just gonna give you my ATM card so you know I'm legit.

164. Sure, sure. Of course, of course.

165. I'm gonna give you my ATM card so we both

166. have something of value from the other person.

167. All right.

168. And your code is?

169. It is 1... 234. And yours, sir?

170. - 1235. - Thank you.

171. Could that—that is a Ralph's rewards card.

172. Okay, that is a credit card placeholder

173. you would find in a translucent sleeve in a brand new wallet.

174. - Hey, excuse me, big man. - Hey, big man?

175. Big man? - Hey, right quick, right quick.

176. Can I ask you a question, biggest of men?

177. I got a question right quick.

178. (male announcer) As Don's week in the warehouse

179. was wrapping up, he decided it was time

180. to come clean with his employees.

181. Actually, everybody, uh,

182. I've got an announcement to make.

183. Don't nobody want to hear your bull, newbie.

184. - Okay. - Don't nobody want to hear it!

185. I think you will care about this one,

186. so gather around.

187. I'm not actually a new employee.

188. You could say that again.

189. You a waste of space, as far as I'm concerned.

190. Can't get nothing done on time.

191. Like a—like a snail over here.

192. I am actually president of the company.

193. You're on Undercover Boss.

194. - What? - The TV show, yeah.

195. - What? - Wow.

196. In this week since I've been working here amongst you,

197. I got to hear each and every one of your stories, just about,

198. and, uh, I...

199. You know I was just playing, right?

200. You know I—I was just trying to lighten the mood

201. in the workplace and whatnot, you know.

202. Thank you, Joseph.

203. Bill.

204. Buddy, you were telling me that your car broke down,

205. and it hasn't been working right ever since.

206. Well, I want to get you a new Ford Explorer.

207. Oh, my God. Thank—thank you so much, Mark.

208. That means so much to me.

209. My whole family died in one day.

210. - Joseph. - Thank you.

211. Huge car crash. Huge, man.

212. We were having a family picnic, and then this truck

213. just came on through and just killed everybody.

214. It chopped everybody's heads off.

215. Eleanore, you were worried that you were not going

216. to be able to afford college for your two—two boys,

217. and I'm starting a college fund for them both.

218. Putting $10,000 in each one of them.

219. This is amazing. I'm so grateful.

220. You know, I-I can't make no family anymore

221. 'cause my dick got chopped up in the accident—

222. - Joseph, Joseph. - And now I pee out the side.

223. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night.

224. I just— I start to pee.

225. Right in my mouth.

226. Oh, Joseph, that's disgusting.

227. Sometimes poop come out the other side.

228. - I don't even know why that— - Joseph.

229. My dick is in eight pieces.

230. Joseph. Okay, you know—

231. If you could just give me a raise.

232. I ain't asking for no kind of scholarships or nothing.

233. Okay, you know, Joseph, I'm gonna get—

234. I'm gonna go—get to you right now.

235. Okay, dude, did I mention I was a prostitute

236. since the age of 17? 15—10?

237. No, Joseph. Joseph.

238. 7—3—been a prostitute since I was 3.

239. Joseph, Joseph—

240. I was in—I was a prostitute in the womb.

241. Joseph.

242. A dude put his peepee in my—in my mama,

243. and it got inside of me, and then—

244. and then they gave me money.

245. Joseph.

246. Just please, man. Just give me a raise.

247. Joseph, you have been rude to me since the moment I came here.

248. Come on, man.

249. I mean, I was playing with you, dog.

250. I knew you was the boss the whole time, man.

251. Look at this fake ass mustache.

252. Ow—that's my real mustache, Joseph.

253. That really hurt.

254. You're fired.

255. Get out of here.

256. Can I stay and watch?

257. Get out of here.

258. I got a rare— I got a rare condition

259. that make me unlikable.

260. No, you don't, Joseph.

261. Lance?

262. Lance, you been in the urinal with me.

263. You see me in the urinal.

264. Lance, I am sorry, but do not engage him.

265. Tell him—tell him my dick in three pieces.

266. Joseph, leave Lance alone.

267. It's true, so they give me a little bit of money.

268. - No, it's not gonna happen. - Can I have a—

269. Joseph?

270. He did—he did—

271. Joseph, leave Norman out of this.

272. Who's Norman?

273. - The foreman. - Norman the foreman?

274. That's his name.

275. I know that.

276. I work intimately with him.

277. No, you don't, you're fired.

278. All right. Go on.

279. All right, out the door with you, Joseph.

280. I am sorry about that.

281. Is he gone?

282. Okay, uh, Betty...

283. When you told me that your father passed away,

284. it hit me because my father passed away.

285. But my dick got chopped up, though!

286. Joseph!

287. My dick got chopped up.

288. That is so disrespectful, Joseph.

289. What are you doing? I thought you left, Joseph.

290. Like gristle off a Thanksgiving turkey.

291. - You're lying, and I don't— - I got a gristle dick.

292. Joseph, that's wildly inappropriate.

293. Straight meat gristle.

294. It's hanging out here right here, right now.

295. - You can't see it. - Joseph!

296. (announcer) Coming up.

297. We have so many siblings,

298. and just to know that we both share a familial bond

299. and that there's nothing that can take that away.

300. But my dick got chopped up, though.

301. Joseph!

302. Where—how did you...?

303. Now, are you still on the reality show bandwagon?

304. It's not a bandwagon. It's a way of life.

305. Oh, boy.

306. Bachelor.

307. Ro— Challenge.

308. - See, that's what's not real. - It's not real, I mean—

309. Nothing's real as soon as the camera appears.

310. I mean, you and I, we're out here on the road by ourselves.

311. This is real.

312. This is a different thing.

313. - We're real. - We're doing something.

314. You're here, those—that scrub brush out there is real.

315. You can smell the...

316. The dirt of the road.

317. - Sandy air. - This is real.

318. This is real, what's happening right now.

319. Mm-hmm.

320. I think we're both going to have—you know,

321. when Key and Peele's over, we both have our solo careers.

322. Yeah, but we'll come back in.

323. We'll come back in every now and then.

324. Do a little Key and Peele— pepper that little

325. Key and Peele—stoice it back out, come back in,

326. a little Key and Peele.

327. But I think—well, obviously we're gonna both have success

328. in our own...

329. Right.

330. Right, you know, we're just gonna be a regular,

331. you know, Simon and Garfunkel.

332. How's that again?

333. Oh, yeah, I get—oh, like Simon and Garfunkel?

334. No—nnn, kind of, but I'm—

335. I'm thinking, like, our solo careers are like—

336. (both) Simon, Garfunkel.

337. Right, I got you.

338. No, I think we're agreeing, so like, I—I would be Simon,

339. and you would be Garfunkel.

340. Garfunkel. Simon.

341. I think we're—we're just—

342. No, no. No, no, what I'm saying is...

343. I mean, we're basically saying the same thing.

344. It would be like—like, you would be Art Garfunkel,

345. and I'd be Simon—Paul Simon, so.

346. It's like—

347. Well, that's—maybe that's a bad example.

348. Maybe that's a bad—but you know, like, as far as,

349. like, going down in history.

350. It's—we'd be like—yeah.

351. Going down in history be like—

352. I'm Lucille Ball, you're Desi.

353. I'm Desi—I'm Lucille,

354. but you're Desi Arnaz.

355. Okay. Like, I'm Elvis the pelvis.

356. - Mm hmm. - You're his brother, Enis.

357. With a curl. What?

358. I don't even know who Enis Presley is.

359. You know his nickname was?

360. Yeah.

361. I'm thinking Scott Baio and...

362. (both) Willie Aames.

363. I guess there's no real winner there, is there.

364. Well played.

365. Here's your coffee.

366. Hey, man, I just have to say, I am a huge fan.

367. Outkast, like, changed my life.

368. Yeah, yeah. Thanks, man.

369. So are you gonna collaborate with André 3000 again?

370. Nah.

371. How come?

372. People grow apart.

373. Greetings.

374. May I have a half-caff decaf mint mocha latte,

375. foam on the bottom, served in a flower vase,

376. and if y'all got some green food coloring

377. back there, throw it in.

378. André 3000!

379. In the flesh.

380. Big Boi is right over there.

381. - Big Boi!

382. Bitch, I'm trying to read a book.

383. Big Boi!

384. What's up, my brother from another mother, man?

385. Hey, when I say mother, you know I'm talking about art, right,

386. 'cause we got cut out of her womb linked together.

387. What's up, man? What's up, André?

388. André who?

389. I ain't gonna say it, man.

390. It's not 2,999.

391. It's not 3,001. - André 3000.

392. Hey, man, what happened to you after the show?

393. Yeah, um.

394. I just—I must have, like, snuck out or something like that.

395. I thought perchance you went missing.

396. Don't do the voices, man.

397. Do what voice, my dear boy?

398. Why do you—why do you got to do the voices, man?

399. Why you doing the voices? Why you doing that, man?

400. One green half-caff half decaf mint mocha latte,

401. foam on the bottom, in a vase?

402. I got a new idea for a album, man.

403. It's gonna be just the sound of screeching metal,

404. and then only one spoken word per track.

405. - Cool, cool. - Yeah.

406. That's my new screeching metal sounds

407. I was talking about earlier, man.

408. One green half-caff half decaf mint mocha latte,

409. foam on the bottom, in a vase or "vahz."

410. You ain't hear?

411. That—that's your— —that's—

412. you the only that ever order that drink.

413. Yeah, okay, so what is going on with me?

414. What is happening with me?

415. Man, what the happened, man?

416. - What are you talking about? - We used to be somebody, man.

417. We used to be a team.

418. We was on top.

419. Then you went and lost your mind.

420. Can we just lose this, man?

421. Can we just lose the 3000 and just have you talk as André?

422. Tell me—tell me straight up, man, what happened?

423. You know what be even better, though, man?

424. Is if you looked into the pinwheel with your third eye.

425. I thought you was gonna say some stupid like that.

426. And everything will be revealed.

427. All right, man. It's been good, man, thank you.

428. - Thanks for coming by, man. - Okay, yeah.

429. Matter of fact, I got an appointment right now

430. to go get fitted for a toga.

431. - You got—you got to go. - Mm-hmm.

432. You leaving me. That's a...

433. Don't do it.

434. May Eros, Artemis, and Apollo

435. guide you through your musical journey.

436. , what?

437. Why does your breath smell like birdseed?

438. - Au revoir. - All right.

439. Thank you, café craftsman.

440. You're welcome.

441. Sweedoop poops.

442. Sweden dweeps.

443. Sweep boop dweeps.

444. Sweden dweep.

445. Sorry, he—he didn't actually pay for that drink.

446. I got it.

447. Wow.

448. You really came out of nowhere.

449. What? No.

450. No, I was stopped at that stop sign.

451. Yeah.

452. Listen, let's just exchange information

453. and have our insurance companies take care of it.

454. Right.

455. Yeah.

456. I'm gonna get my info.

457. Yes, please.

458. Hey, no, what— what are you doing?

459. What are you doing? - Huh?

460. Why did you start the engine?

461. What engine?

462. The engine of your car.

463. Did I?

464. Yes.

465. I was just trying to get the information for you

466. from the glove box.

467. Do you need to start your car to open your glove compartment?

468. Uh... yeah?

469. Okay, you know what, how about I just—

470. I get your insurance information now.

471. - Right? - Sure.

472. Hey, dude, no. Hey—hey, hey—stop!

473. Stop, stop, stop!

474. Where the hell are you going?

475. Uh... nowhere?

476. Give me the information right now!

477. - Okay. - Right now.

478. Do you understand? - Okay, okay.

479. All right, sorry. I—I misunderstood.

480. I don't see how.

481. All right, here it is.

482. No, no, I—no.

483. Your—your insurance information.

484. - I just did. - This is a Walgreens receipt.

485. Ohhh.

486. Ohhh?

487. Here it is.

488. - "License to fart."

489. Here it is.

490. What is that?

491. Now you're just miming.

492. You know what, give me your insurance information

493. right now, or I'm calling the cops!

494. - Okay, all right. - Okay?

495. Okay, dude, I'm sorry.

496. I'm sorry.

497. That's just— that's my personality.

498. I was messing with you.

499. I apologize.

500. I thought you were gonna take off and—

501. and flee the scene.

502. Yeah, no, I'm not, well.

503. Then how am I gonna get my car fixed?

504. I—we just had an accident.

505. It's obviously not the time or the place, so I'm—I'm sorry.

506. Here you go. Here it is.

507. I mean, can you imagine, though?

508. Yeah, that you were gonna take off?

509. - Yeah. - Yeah, I can imagine that.

510. And it's giving me chills up my spine.

511. Anyway. Here's the real insurance card,

512. and, uh... let me know what you think.

513. "Official laminated license to fart."

514. What the —hey!

515. Hey! No, hey!

516. (Keegan-Michael) God damn it! Son of a bitch!

517. I am a sociopath!

518. - Now, Jordan. - Yes.

519. Where are we with the driver—

520. with the—with the learner's permit situation?

521. I got a learner— learner's permit.

522. - All right. - Third time's the charm.

523. Got it.

524. But you took the test, and you passed.

525. The write—written test.

526. I still have the physical test to go.

527. Is there any kind of fear of learning to drive?

528. Why—why don't you want to drive?

529. - Fear? - Mm-hmm.

530. No, I—I mean, more—more than anything, it just—

531. it seems generally, like, unpleasant.

532. Oh, boy, I got to tell you, it's not.

533. - I love driving. - Cool.

534. - Yeah. - So we're all set.

535. Oh, yeah.

536. Joseph!

537. I got a chopped up dick, though.

538. - Joseph. - Octodick.

539. - Joseph! - Septadick.

540. - Joseph! - Hexadick.

541. - Joseph! - Come on, man, dick.

542. Joseph.

543. My mama died, and then my mama's ghost got murdered.

544. - Aw, Joseph. - That's the truth, though.