Key & Peele 5x3

1. What does it take to save a child in Africa?

2. To save them from the violence?

3. To save them from becoming a child soldier?

4. What if I told you that all it took

5. was just one beard?

6. For the price of one costume beard,

7. you can save a child from becoming another statistic,

8. another warlord's pawn.

9. Be safe.

10. That's right.

11. Just one beard.

12. And for a little more, you can get him a cane.

13. We are here for the children!

14. These are all old people.

15. We are wasting our time.

16. Wait!

17. Go, go!

18. Call today.

19. There was one time I was in my choir at school.

20. - Mm-hmm. - My chorus teacher goes,

21. "All right, so now we're gonna— for this next number,

22. we're gonna need somebody to play the tambourine."

23. Oh, no.

24. And, uh... it was very clear he gave it to me and was like

25. you know, all right, Jordan, this black kid,

26. he's gonna be fine with this tambourine.

27. I don't know, Keegan, man. I'm just not—

28. You could not get it in there.

29. The white half of me

30. was just rocking that tambourine.

31. And you were on the two and the four.

32. (Jordan) And, like, I think by the end of the class,

33. I was ashamed I was half white.

34. You just couldn't get it going, huh?

35. I still am.

36. You're still ashamed that you're half white?

37. Yeah.

38. I hope your mom isn't watching this episode.

39. No, she's fine.

40. She's probably ashamed of it, too.

41. One, two...

42. (Lyle) Oh, wow.

43. Great work, everybody.

44. Troy, I love that little Motown outro thing.

45. Super soulful.

46. Cool. Thanks, Lyle.

47. Yeah, it just, uh, came to me, so I went with it.

48. Wow. That's crazy.

49. Hey, is this where the a cappella group meets?

50. - Oh, hey, Mark. - Hey, Lyle.

51. What's going on, buddy?

52. - Mark, get over here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

53. (Lyle) Guys, this is my buddy, Mark.

54. He just transferred from Minnesota.

55. I thought he could sit in on a few practices.

56. I don't know, maybe join the group?

57. Maybe.

58. (Lyle) All right, guys.

59. Let's do "Always Been My Girl" again, from the top.

60. - "Always Been My Girl," okay. - And... Mark?

61. - Show us your stuff. - You got it, man.

62. - (Lyle) All right, guys. Ready?

63. - One, two...

64. (all) ♪ There goes the girl

65. (Lyle) You got to be kidding me.

66. Mark, that was out of this world.

67. Oh, gosh, okay, well, hey, it just came to me,

68. so I just went with it.

69. (Lyle) Great. Well, keep going with it.

70. Guys, have a safe weekend, all right?

71. - See you on Monday. - Nice to meet you guys, man.

72. - That was awesome. - Isn't he the best?

73. Cool, guys. Great practice.

74. - Troy, good effort. - All right.

75. Yeah, check you later, guys.

76. See you later, alligators.

77. The you think you doing,

78. I'm doing my thing,

79. The you doing?

80. See...

81. this is my seven white boys,

82. - You need to back

83. the up.

84. that,

85. I'm 'bouts to get mine.

86. Do you have any idea how long it took

87. for me to infiltrate this group,

88. 25 minutes.

89. You think I'm gonna roll over

90. for some falsetto-ass mother?

91. Well, you know what,

92. White boys is gonna do what white boys is gonna do.

93. And if they want to run

94. with a high-ass-singing falsetto,

95. then that's on them.

96. Oh, that's on them, then?

97. Oh, that's on them, then.

98. Okay, so it's like that?

99. Oh, it's so like that.

100. Well, watch your back,

101. - Okay. - Watch your back,

102. 'Cause you with my,

103. I'll, !

104. (man) And improvise.

105. Oh, it's so cold out, and it's going to be dark soon.

106. Oh, my God. Yeah, we should build a fire.

107. Right, yeah, um, like...

108. Oh! Fire! Fire!

109. Freeze!

110. Oh, no. It's a black cat.

111. Hey, man.

112. Why the cat got to be black?

113. Freeze!

114. Man, I guess I got to put my dick away.

115. Like a legitimate date

116. in the definition of a date in the dictionary,

117. I feel like I've been on four dates in my whole life.

118. The problem with dating is, like, if I start to date,

119. I'm trying to do what I think you're supposed to do on a date.

120. So it's like, we're about to see a movie, right?

121. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

122. And then, look, this is how you be a sexy date.

123. You be like, "You know what?"

124. - Screw it. - Screw this.

125. Let's go take a walk by the canal.

126. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

127. You almost there, you go,

128. "You know what? Let's get out of here.

129. Let's go to my place."

130. On the way to your place, do you throw another one in there?

131. You know what? Screw this.

132. Screw this. Let's go skip in the fountain.

133. - Come on. Why not? - Pick up some chroners, or...

134. And then after you get out of the fountain?

135. You know what? Screw it. Let's hit the cinema.

136. Let's go to a movie. And then you're soaking wet.

137. Right. Yeah. And, of course, you know—

138. - Watching some god-awful film. - You see a bad film.

139. Also the fact that it's air conditioned in there.

140. - Yeah. - Give yourself a chill.

141. God, the moment I saw you last night in the club,

142. totally had to ask you out.

143. Are you kidding me? Like, the moment?

144. - Oh, yeah. - That's so sweet.

145. And I was actually afraid that you were going to be, like,

146. one of those high-maintenance chicks, you know?

147. - What? - Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

148. I don't know. Control freak or— I don't even know.

149. Oh, my God. That's so funny.

150. Isn't it?

151. Is it? Is it funny? Is it funny?

152. No. I'm, like, I totally just like to be just easygoing.

153. - Yeah, yeah. - Hi, I'm Wayne.

154. - I'll be your waiter. - It's been five minutes

155. and we're just now getting our menus?

156. Oh, I'm sorry.

157. Don't be sorry.

158. Be better.

159. Right. Okay. I'll be better.

160. At your job.

161. Thank you.

162. So, yeah, my philosophy is pretty much like,

163. keep it chill.

164. Right, yeah, yeah.

165. You know what I like about you?

166. - No, what? - It's like you're not afraid

167. to be, like, brainy and respectful.

168. Right. Thanks.

169. I really like your boobs.

170. I think we really complement each other well.

171. We just did it right there.

172. And, uh, I pretty much go with the flow.

173. Right, right.

174. What the is wrong with you?

175. Excuse me?

176. Do I look like Mad Max to you?

177. I-I'm sorry?

178. Do I look like Mel Gibson with a mullet?

179. I...

180. no, not at all.

181. Does he look like a feral child

182. with a boomerang in his hand?

183. No.

184. Then why the is water a rare commodity here?

185. It's—it's not. I'm just, uh—

186. I'm sorry. I'm just really slammed.

187. No, you'll know when you're slammed

188. because your nuts will be on the table

189. and my fists will be covered in your blood.

190. Um...

191. You were, uh...

192. like, kind of harsh to that guy.

193. Oh, him?

194. - Yeah. - No.

195. I was a hostess at a restaurant.

196. In the industry, that's how we talk to each other.

197. I'll show you. Hey!

198. Uh, hey.

199. What do you see there?

200. That's your water.

201. No, no, no, no, no, no. Down.

202. Down?

203. Down, boy. Get on your knees.

204. Okay, I have other tables that I have...

205. What does that look like to you?

206. Yes, there's a little lipstick on your glass.

207. - Okay. - But it...

208. Megan, it's your—it's yours—

209. This is what I want you to do.

210. I want you to take this glass into the back.

211. I want you to break it,

212. take the biggest shard you can find, and bring it to me.

213. I'm...

214. Then I want to slit your gullet.

215. All right, I'm just— I'll get you another water—

216. I'm going to slit your throat and watch you bleed out,

217. and I'm going to shower in your blood.

218. All right, I'll... I'll get another water.

219. Well, that would be great. Thank you.

220. But as I was saying, like,

221. I just feel like it's like do unto others.

222. Megan!

223. It was your lipstick on the glass.

224. What the hell is that? What are you doing?

225. Wait. Wait, no, no, no, no.

226. Oh, man.

227. Let me just tell you,

228. no one's ever talked to me like that in my life.

229. I'm just saying that your lipstick—

230. You have his back?

231. Who does that?

232. It was your lipstick on the glass.

233. He's just a waiter.

234. You know what? Take his side.

235. - I'm not— - And I hope you have

236. a very happy life together.

237. Megan.

238. What's going on right now?

239. What are you...?

240. - Seriously, Megan— - No!

241. No.

242. Megan! You left your jacket!

243. - Hey, you left your jacket! - Hey. Hey, hey.

244. Don't do it.

245. Man, I just hurt her feelings, and then she left her jacket.

246. The least I could do is give her back her jacket.

247. Don't do it. Don't do it.

248. - She needs this jacket. - She does not need it.

249. It's 87 degrees out. You know she doesn't need it.

250. In your heart of hearts you know she doesn't need that jacket.

251. Don't do it.

252. I think she's going to need her jacket.

253. No, she's not going to need it. She's not gonna need it.

254. Megan, you left your jacket, though!

255. Seemed like a nice guy.

256. If you were a villain,

257. like, what would you do to make your villain memorable?

258. I would be called The Puppeteer.

259. - Of course you would. - I'd be a super villain.

260. You could be my number-one henchman.

261. Yeah, can I be the Crackin? Just like—I just want—

262. because then you could say,

263. "Come on, y'all, release the Crackin."

264. And then I would just be like...

265. And I just come out the side door with, like, a hood.

266. - Release the Crackin, James. - No, I wouldn't do that.

267. And James would be your— your butler.

268. - Nope. I don't... - And he'd be sitting down there

269. next to you, saying—

270. James is not a good...

271. Okay, Jeeves, you could call him.

272. "Hey, Jeeves, go down to the cellar

273. and release the Crackin."

274. So I'm the mastermind, so I probably should...

275. just, like, figure out what the words are and what—

276. "Well, I'll—I'll be. There's the Crackin."

277. My supervillain doesn't need input.

278. Okay, there is your hero fusion burger, sir.

279. Thank you.

280. And, sir, if you could just wait for one moment.

281. We are very, very busy today. I'm so sorry.

282. Another great day of business, Brother Abraham.

283. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me?

284. Look, we are raking in the money.

285. Praise Allah. I know.

286. I have just bought a flat screen television.

287. - Really? - High definition.

288. We should watch some of the American films on the screen.

289. Come, come. I have the La-Z-Boy.

290. - I have the La-Z-Boy sofa. - Oh, my God, we could—

291. Salam alaykum.

292. Brother Abraham, Brother Osman.

293. Wa-alaikum-salaam, Brother Mustafa.

294. Wa-alaikum-salaam, Brother Mustafa.

295. What are you doing here in United States?

296. - A joyous surprise. - Yes, absolutely.

297. I was just checking on your progress.

298. Of course.

299. This is a very good front for your sleeper cell.

300. The Americans will never see it coming.

301. They are totally fooled, Brother Mustafa.

302. They think that we are just two immigrants

303. who are in love with the amazing amounts of money

304. that you can make being entrepreneurs.

305. I mean, this food truck is, like, just printing money.

306. It's a little crazy, to be honest with you.

307. It's like a bottomless pit of money.

308. You can just reach in, pull it out...

309. Well, in reality, Brother Abraham.

310. Yes, well, in reality, we—we—we want to destroy

311. as many of the imperialist infidels as possible.

312. Right.

313. But what I don't understand is...

314. you have your target, you have your explosives.

315. Why not just put the bomb on the truck

316. and then drive it straight into the building,

317. killing as many infidels as you can?

318. No. So, the thing... is...

319. That we are already doing it.

320. How is that possible?

321. You see, Brother Mustafa,

322. these sandwiches are loaded with cholesterol.

323. Slowly, the infidels, they grow fat,

324. and their arteries start to clog—

325. Stop it!

326. I'm beginning to doubt your dedication to the cause.

327. - No, no, no, no. - Hey, guy?

328. (man) Can I just order a fusion burger? I'm in a hurry.

329. Uh, yes... $9 please.

330. Our leaders will be very displeased.

331. Did you say $9 for one?

332. Uh, yes. Yes.

333. One dollar extra for crazy, rockin' hummus dip.

334. How much do they cost to make?

335. - $1.50. - $1.50.

336. Pretty good margins.

337. - Yes. - Yes, yes, yes.

338. How many do you sell a day?

339. I don't know, I don't know. Maybe 100?

340. - 100? - Yes, sometimes two.

341. On a good day, maybe two.

342. What?

343. So 200 is a big day.

344. But you are ignoring your mission!

345. You will pay the ultimate price!

346. (Abraham) No, no, no, no. No, Mustafa.

347. We are still pure.

348. Okay, that sounds good.

349. Your order will be right up. That'll be $9, please.

350. All right, thank you.

351. My friends!

352. You must try Mustafa-kebab!

353. Only $5.

354. And one rock and roll baba ghanoush, $1 extra.

355. Come on.

356. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

357. - Your hero fusion burger. - You...

358. - No, okay. Sorry. - Sorry.

359. I'll tell you, we still got it, Otis.

360. Oh, yeah. Yes, we do.

361. - True that, Walden. - Mm-hmm.

362. - All right. - We here, ain't we?

363. Oh, yeah. Hey, we hittin' it in business right now.

364. We out here, straight hitting the bricks, as it were.

365. Hey, hey, I'm gonna tell you right now,

366. I got a pocket full of nickels, and I'm ready to get loose.

367. - All right!

368. - Okay. - Can I, uh...

369. get another round, please?

370. - Here we go. - Oh, yeah.

371. You guys like Drake?

372. - Drink? - A drink?

373. We got—we got drinks.

374. - All sorted out on the... - We got 'em, young buck.

375. Drink front there, Tiny Tim.

376. Drake.

377. Like Drake, the rapper. He's a musician.

378. Like, "Started from the bottom, now we here."

379. Drake.

380. Drink? You saying "drink."

381. You know a musician called Drink?

382. Okay, you know what? Never—never mind.

383. Uh, you guys are awesome.

384. - Drink. - Awesome.

385. He over here talking about Drake.

386. - "You guys are awesome." - I don't know about no Drake.

387. I don't know nothing about no Drake.

388. I'll tell you another thing,

389. I'm trying to watch my calorie intake.

390. Ain't worried about no Drink.

391. Concerned about digesting my steak.

392. - Talk about Drake. - Talking about Drake.

393. I'm having a hard enough time staying awake.

394. I can't be concerning myself with Drake.

395. You know.

396. Poured orange juice on my corn flakes.

397. Yeah.

398. He talking about Drake. Trying to talk about Drake.

399. I need five breaths to blow out my birthday cake.

400. I ain't concerned about no Drake.

401. - Drake. - You want to be

402. concerned about Drake, that's on your time, brother.

403. Shoot, man. Lost my teeth in a lake.

404. I'm over here like a 1930s cartoon

405. hitting my head when I step on a rake.

406. Whoo!

407. I don't know no Drake.

408. Over here talking about Drake. You concerned about Drake.

409. I'm gonna tell you what I'm concerned about.

410. Making it to the john without making a bathroom mistake.

411. My left eyeball is a fake.

412. Sperm, my testicles do not make.

413. I woke up this morning and my booty hole ache.

414. - Drake. Drake. - Drake. Drake.

415. I ain't give a about no Drake.

416. You know all about Drake.

417. Drake.

418. Drake.

419. Oh, hey, now. Look at them.

420. Look at these two old-timers over here.

421. Now, take it easy on them, Walden.

422. I will, Otis. I will, brother.

423. I will.

424. Hey! Hello, gentlemen.

425. Y'all like Drake?

426. (man) Drake?

427. Hell, yes.

428. "Started from the bottom,

429. now the whole team here."

430. Y'all like Tyler, the Creator?

431. (Jordan) Do you know what it means when people say,

432. "Man, I got my shirt all fleek right now?"

433. Fleek?

434. You ain't heard about that? On fleek?

435. That's not real.

436. On fleek, man.

437. What?

438. It means just looking to upset fresh.

439. - I like that. - Mm-hmm.

440. I like that. I'm going to start saying it.

441. I don't care how stupid I look.

442. What about "jump in full dingle?"

443. That's not real.

444. That's a thing. Full dingle.

445. Trust me, if we go— if we go dance somewhere

446. and you jump in talking about,

447. "I'm gonna jump in this party full dingle,"

448. and you just tell everybody, you will be the coolest person.

449. Jordan, is that real?

450. "On fleek" is real, though. "On fleek" is real.

451. So dingle's not real? It's not real!

452. Full dingle is not real!

453. It is now, though.

454. (Keegan) 'Cause this is a groundbreaking show up in this bitch.

455. (man) Oh, yeah.

456. Like Akembe here.

457. Do I run over there?

458. No. Come on.

459. Do I run over there?

460. Be safe.

461. Do I run?

462. Yeah.