Key & Peele 5x2

Directed by

Carson Bolde as Little Kid • Larry Joe Campbell as Prayer Leader • Cynthia Blaise as Prayer #1 • Ginger Gonzaga as Lady J • Regina Hall as Wife #1

An airline passenger has a standoff with a flight attendant, Shaboots and T-Ray deliver a lecture on women's periods, and a prayer group receives a visit from God.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (male announcer) Joey Blunts in the m-m-m-morning.

2. Yo, Joey Blunts here, 101.2

3. Yo, hey, everybody, man.

4. We still tripping on that last—

5. - That was crazy! - Wardrobe malfunction.

6. Y'all are crazy. I can't tell you no more.

7. Like, all dirty, but she's crazy.

8. - Would you do that, Meatball? - Look, man...

9. I grew up in the hood, all right?

10. So no.

11. No, he would want to, but he can't do it

12. 'cause of that fat ass.

13. Why y'all always clowning on Meatball?

14. Meatball!

15. You brought it up.

16. For real, though.

17. You're a lesser person.

18. Y'all you two got to stop playing.

19. Meatball!

20. Lady J with me here, Meatball.

21. Meatball.

22. This the top of the hour. I'm Joey Blunts.

23. We'll be right back.

24. - Meatball. - Whoo!

25. (man) And back from commercial.

26. (announcer) KBeat 101.3.

27. Meatball, Meatball!

28. So, dude, I swear to God, man.

29. Stewardesses are looking hot to me.

30. I don't care how old,

31. what shape.

32. I'm just like, let's—

33. - Let's go. - Let's go.

34. - Let's go. - I'll meet you at the toilet.

35. Bring me an Advil and some ginger ale.

36. Can I get you anything else?

37. Yeah, you can.

38. One time, I had, like, a sinus infection

39. when the plane was coming down,

40. and, my girl was just like,

41. "I know. I know. I'm so sorry."

42. She was like, "I know.

43. Oh, I'm so sorry."

44. Okay, all right.

45. (Mark) He's disgusting.

46. Bernard? He's disgusting.

47. He's not even like her.

48. He's an airplane technician. I mean, come on.

49. And he talks too much. That's why I like you.

50. You don't talk. You just listen.

51. - It's good.

52. Okay.

53. And the captain has turned on the "fasten seat belt" sign.

54. Got a little turbulence coming up.

55. Should be no problem.

56. Just remain in your seat until the sign is turned off.

57. Thank you for your cooperation.

58. Okay.

59. Excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

60. Hi, excuse me.

61. - Yeah? - Yeah.

62. I'm gonna need you to take your seat.

63. The "fasten seat belt" sign is on.

64. Yeah, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom for a second.

65. I'll be right back, okay?

66. I understand what you want to do.

67. Unfortunately, I'm gonna need you

68. to observe the "fasten seat belt" sign.

69. That'd be much appreciated.

70. Right, it's just I read on the Internet

71. that it's not against the law

72. for me to go to the bathroom

73. while the "fasten seat belt" sign is on, so...

74. "Seat belt" sign is on.

75. But is it against the law, though?

76. The light is on.

77. Is it against the law?

78. You see that there's a picture

79. of a seat belt on that sign.

80. I know, but is it against the law, though?

81. The "fasten seat belt" sign is on.

82. But is it against the law, though?

83. - "Seat belt" sign is on. - But is it against the law?

84. - But is it against the law? - "Seat belt" sign.

85. - But is it against the law? - It's on.

86. - Law. - "Seat belt" sign is on.

87. - Legal. - "Seat belt" sign is on.

88. - Lawful. - "Seat belt" sign is on.

89. - Sir, you're being difficult. - Law.

90. - You're being very difficult. - Law, law, law.

91. - Seat belt, seat belt. - Not illegal, not illegal.

92. - Okay. - Legal.

93. - Fasten— - Legal.

94. - Fasten your seat— - Legal.

95. - Sir. - I have to piss.

96. And I have to in the toilet.

97. Can you lower your voice?

98. I have to piss, and I have to.

99. Okay, lower your intensity.

100. You're louder than me.

101. You're yelling in my face.

102. Sir, you're the one who I think needs to tone it down right now.

103. You are screaming at me.

104. You're hurting my eardrums.

105. That wasn't a word.

106. You're not saying a word there.

107. This is a word.

108. - That's not— - That's a word.

109. That's not a word. That's a tongue trick.

110. Okay, sir. Sir, sir.

111. If you would like—

112. I would not like to.

113. I would not like to sit down.

114. What I'd like to do is go take a in the bathroom...

115. because it's not

116. against the law.

117. So I'm gonna go to the bathroom, okay?

118. Mark with a K.

119. And your captain has turned off the "fasten seat belt" sign.

120. Feel free to move around the cabin.

121. Thank you for your cooperation.

122. ding!

123. Wow.

124. Good to see you, old boy.

125. - Yes. - How was Kenya?

126. I love Kenya. Absolutely adore the place.

127. You know, it's so important

128. to protect them, you know...

129. Indeed.

130. The few untouched tribes left.

131. - Indeed. - Yes.

132. And while we're on the subject,

133. I've got something of a confession to make.

134. Oh, dear.

135. While I was down there, I caught the attention

136. of a young Masai woman.

137. You didn't.

138. She took me for an exotic,

139. sophisticated superman of sorts

140. and developed something of a liking to me.

141. Well, isn't that always the way?

142. Yes, it is.

143. And it's quite awful, Gerald.

144. She came down to my hut

145. wearing nothing but a fertility headdress

146. and carrying a husband stick,

147. and, oh, I had to participate in the customs.

148. Well, it would be morally irresponsible

149. if you did not participate in the custom.

150. You could destroy their entire social structure.

151. Oh, I felt so terrible about it.

152. Of course you did, Gerald.

153. - I felt terrible seven times. - Oh, dreadful.

154. But, you know, Gerald, I, too, have a confession.

155. Do tell.

156. Remember several years ago when I went to the Amazon?

157. - Yes. - Yes.

158. Well, I accidentally packed a lighter in my satchel.

159. Oh, my.

160. Yes, well, one day, I absent-mindedly lit the flint,

161. and the entire village took me for a god.

162. - Oh, no. - Yes.

163. Every sundown, as I was being fellated

164. by all the young women of the village,

165. which is the local custom,

166. I felt completely embarrassed by the entire affair.

167. I can only imagine in some vivid detail,

168. but you can't deny the local custom.

169. You absolutely cannot deny the local customs.

170. (both) You can't deny the local customs.

171. One thing you must do is adhere to the local customs.

172. You must adhere to the local customs.

173. You must adhere to the local customs.

174. Local customs must not be denied!

175. It's, oh, the least one can do.

176. It all reminds me of the time I was in Papua New Guinea

177. and I introduced the local tribe to the French term

178. ménage à trois.

179. After that evening, a couple of the local men

180. called me "Papua."

181. Oh, dear.

182. Whoops-a-daisy!

183. Whoops-a-daisy, indeed.

184. It's getting harder and harder to protect the local tribes

185. from the influence of the outside civilizations.

186. I know exactly what you mean, old boy, exactly,

187. and I must confess that the last time

188. I was deep in the bush in Australia...

189. Yes?

190. I ended up deep in bush in Australia.

191. Boo-yah.

192. Well, where are you off to now, old boy?

193. I'm off to Tanzania.

194. Tanzania—make sure that you go during an eclipse,

195. because then everyone will want to have sex with you.

196. (both) Mm.

197. Hmm.

198. (both) Regrettably.

199. You think you— do you think you are a sexist?

200. Um, uh...

201. much to my chagrin, yes, I am.

202. - You are. - I am.

203. I try not to be, but I am.

204. And that's good that you know that.

205. Oh, yeah.

206. 'Cause I'm—if anything, I'm sexist against men.

207. We sexualize women as soon as possible.

208. It's the first thing we do.

209. I took a woman's studies class in college,

210. and we were in a discussion with the professor—

211. Ah, you got in a woman's studies class, dog.

212. No, no, no, Jordan.

213. I know what you're doing, dude.

214. Yeah.

215. Get a little extracurriculars.

216. Oh, my God.

217. We gots to do— anybody want to work

218. on this project at my house afterwards?

219. That's some nice, dude.

220. What if we told y'all that once a month,

221. half the human race is in pain?

222. And the other half

223. don't want to hear about it?

224. - I'm Shaboots Michaels! - I'm T-Ray Tombstone!

225. Welcome to...

226. (both) Menstruation Orientation!

227. Oh, no, you don't.

228. Now, we know you don't want to hear about it.

229. But they don't want to have it,

230. so sit your ass down and listen for once in your life.

231. Today we're gonna talk to all you men

232. about what happens to your women when they're on their periods

233. and why it's important to...

234. (both) Be sensitive to that.

235. Don't say "chillax,"relax," "calm down," and "how come?"

236. Don't say "ass,"fat," "grumpy," or "cranky."

237. They ain't cranky.

238. They got blood coming out of their vaginas, y'all!

239. That's some biblical plague, y'all!

240. That would be like once a month

241. if you had locusts flying out of your dick for a week!

242. Your ass wouldn't be cranky.

243. Your ass would be like...

244. - Oh,

245. - My dick!

246. (both) So be nice to your bitches when they bleeding!

247. If you ain't getting 'em ...

248. Get the out they way!

249. - They got cramps! - They got headaches.

250. They got weight gain!

251. And every time they pee,

252. it's like The Shining in the toilet.

253. - Be supportive. - Be empathetic.

254. But whatever you do...

255. (both) Do not try to solve it!

256. Don't even bring that up!

257. When women be hanging out together,

258. their periods will sync up.

259. Vaginas be communicating.

260. They got their own vagina language.

261. (both) Talking about...

262. If you find yourself around a group of women

263. and they all have a backache...

264. (both) Back away slowly.

265. What's that in your pocket there, Shaboots?

266. Recognize this, mother?

267. That ain't space dynamite.

268. That's a tampon.

269. Learn what your bitch has to go through.

270. First, you put this piece in your vagina!

271. Oop.

272. Then you push this part into the first piece!

273. Gweeps

274. Then you throw this part away!

275. Do that several times a day for a week

276. every goddamn month!

277. It's the worst thing ever all the time!

278. It's much worse for them

279. than it is for you to hear about it.

280. And periods is important.

281. That's how the body gets rid of the old egg

282. so it can cook up them new ones.

283. So listen to what's going on with your female

284. emotionally and...

285. (both) Get your bitch some chocolate!

286. Don't call her a bitch, but...

287. (both) Get your bitch some chocolate!

288. It's weird being in a relationship this long,

289. when you start to go on, like, double dates

290. with other couples.

291. Mm-hmm.

292. I'll go an entire night and not even realize

293. that my girlfriend hated this bitch.

294. Right.

295. I'll be like, "Oh," 'cause there was a whole subplot.

296. I feel like I've been in that situation before.

297. I'll tell you, I had one situation

298. where there was guy that I ended up—

299. I'm gonna just be straight— I'm gonna be straight about it.

300. I'm like, "This dude seems pretty interested

301. "in what I do for a living.

302. I don't give a ..."

303. Oh,

304. "About what he does for a living."

305. Oh,

306. "I don't want to hear actuarial tables."

307. Calling him off.

308. There's no way that he can win.

309. No, mm-mm, no.

310. So, anyway, what did you think of the season finale

311. of Game of Thrones?

312. - Right?

313. - That was— - No, no, no.

314. I'm reading the books.

315. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

316. And he reads slow.

317. We can never talk about it.

318. We're never gonna talk about it.

319. Okay.

320. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

321. Hey, has anybody seen that new Russell Crowe thriller?

322. 'Cause let me tell—

323. Ah, ah, ah!

324. Ah.

325. Sorry, it's just

326. we're going tomorrow, and I don't want to know

327. a thing about it.

328. Doesn't want to know a thing.

329. - Got you. Okay, all right. - Sure, yeah.

330. Yeah, yeah. That is—

331. How—who won the game?

332. - I think— - N-n-n-n-n-n-n.

333. That—I'm— I'm gonna watch it later.

334. - Oh, you're— - Oh, you have a DVR.

335. - I got it— - Sorry, okay.

336. Mum's the word.

337. - Yeah. - So...

338. - So... - Yeah.

339. What's the weather gonna be like this—

340. Sorry. It's, uh...

341. We're having a barbecue this weekend,

342. and I don't want to stress about the weather.

343. - No, of course you don't. - We just—Yeah.

344. Yeah. You know, yeah.

345. This three-bean casserole is—

346. I'm so sorry, babe. I just—

347. - I hadn't tasted them yet. - I'm sorry.

348. - I'm sorry. - Really looking forward to it.

349. You know?

350. Don't talk about the ingredients, I know.

351. It's a surprise for your mouth.

352. - Yeah. - Really.

353. Oh, uh...

354. You know that commercial with—

355. Okay, never—

356. Oh.

357. Okay.

358. (woman) Never mind.

359. That's probably best.

360. - Yeah.

361. Oh.

362. No, it's fine.

363. - Cheesecake.

364. - What? - Huh?

365. We got cheesecake.

366. - I mean... - Oh, yeah.

367. No, I'd love some cheesecake.

368. - Yeah. - Let's do that.

369. - Yeah. - Yeah.

370. All right, what the hell?

371. - Okay, cheesecake. - Cheesecake.

372. I mean, I've been watching my cholesterol intake,

373. but what the hell, right?

374. We're all gonna die someday anyway.

375. - What? - Honey.

376. - Wow. - Come on.

377. Are you kidding me?

378. You just ruin it every time!

379. I'll see you at home.

380. - But wait a second. - So rude!

381. Now, how would you not know that that was taking place?

382. Father, please hear our prayer for the poor.

383. Thank you, Father. Yes.

384. We beseech You for the disenfranchised,

385. the less fortunate, and those that suffer.

386. Yes.

387. Show us Your will so we can continue

388. to do Your work.

389. (both) Yes.

390. I've come to answer your prayers.

391. Listen carefully to my instructions.

392. Oh, God. Thank you.

393. Thank you so much.

394. I want you to send everything you own...

395. immediately in service to the poor.

396. Just want to clarify. Um...

397. everything?

398. Yes, rid yourself

399. of all earthly possessions.

400. Oh, This house is haunted!

401. It's a ghost!

402. (man) It's a haunted house!

403. Go, go, go, go, go!

404. It's Insidious.

405. Oh.

406. I see what they did there.

407. Is there any religion where you literally—

408. I mean, the ceremony is just, like, five seconds

409. once a month.

410. You hit it, and you're just like...

411. "I'm good for two months."

412. That's the other thing. You can stockpile them.

413. - You can do a bunch in a row. - Do a bunch in a row.

414. Stockpile them.

415. Like, if I spent a day just doing...

416. Never have to do it again.

417. Done, you're set.

418. Buddy, you might've worked something out there.

419. This is how—

420. I think you could get some followers there.

421. I think so too.

422. I'm gonna just keep going to jerk churches

423. and dancing around and screaming.

424. I'll do that.

425. Oh, yeah.

426. Cheers, John O'Rourke.

427. Not bad for an Irishman, a dirty Irishman.

428. Dirty Irishman. Hey!

429. He came at me like a goddamn troll.

430. Or an Irishman.

431. Irishman, troll— Synonymous!