Key & Peele 5x1

Directed by

Malcolm Barrett as Harrassed Passenger • Kate Burton as Hillary Clinton • Stig Eldred as Pirate #2 • Joshua Funk as Pirate #4 • Justin Hires as Bystander #1

Season 5 premiere sketches include a football team getting psyched up before a game; President Obama and Luther meeting Hillary Clinton; two men discussing potential threats on a flight; a band of pirates singing a chantey. Also: a trigger-happy cop.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, hey, hey, y'all, wait up, hold on.

2. Hold on. Listen up. Listen up.

3. - Yeah. - Come on, man.

4. Y'all ready for this?

5. (all) Yeah!

6. That's right, y'all.

7. 'Cause you know what? We only get one chance.

8. Let's leave it all on the field today.

9. No doubt. We gon' give 'em something

10. they can remember.

11. (all) Yeah.

12. Yeah, let's do this.

13. Ah!

14. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

15. We unstoppable!

16. Ah. (all) Yeah!

17. But this is what we worked for, y'all.

18. It's time to handle our business.

19. Oh, we're number one up in here.

20. We the best of the best, of the best, of the best.

21. (all) Oh!

22. Don't never let nobody tell you different.

23. Failure is not an option.

24. (all) Oh!

25. We gon' show 'em that we're the best that ever was.

26. Whoo!

27. This is our time.

28. This is our moment.

29. Nah.

30. We can't let nobody take this away from us.

31. We a team, y'all.

32. We got to do this together.

33. Okay. I ain't never had no family like this, y'all.

34. Y'all's my family.

35. Y'all my brothers forever.

36. You know I got your back, y'all!

37. And I know y'all got mine.

38. (all) Whoa!

39. We taking this all the way to the Super Bowl, y'all.

40. This is our year.

41. That's right.

42. This is our destiny.

43. What?

44. Let's keep doing like we been doing all season.

45. If we do what we was trained to do...

46. can't nobody stop us.

47. (on phone) We can do anything we set our minds to.

48. Play this game like it's the last game of your lives.

49. Hm.

50. You know, let me ask you a question.

51. Sure.

52. When you fart...

53. Mm-hmm.

54. Why don't we just call that a butt queef?

55. You know what I mean?

56. Instead of calling—

57. And then, you know, the sound that comes out of...

58. - There was a— - the vagina, why would we not—

59. - like, a 45 minute silence.

60. And then that's the first question?

61. I just wanted to know.

62. Where do we get that word from?

63. I mean, how's that gotten past everybody?

64. Okay.

65. This is beyond the pale, sir.

66. - Hillary. - Mr. President.

67. It's always good to see you.

68. I pretended to like you for seven years.

69. You remember my anger translator, Luther.

70. Good to see you, too, Mr. President.

71. My hatred for you is a pure force of nature

72. that is gonna move me onward to my destiny.

73. And this is my anger translator, Savannah.

74. I trust you've been busy.

75. Bet your arms are tired from stabbing me in the back

76. on the campaign trail.

77. Saying you don't like my foreign policy?

78. What the, woman?

79. You wrote the damn policy!

80. Well, you know how it is to campaign for president.

81. You know how this works.

82. You do whatever you got to do to get your ass elected.

83. And right now, you are the dead skunk I got to step over.

84. Should be smooth sailing to the nominations.

85. Even you couldn't it up against these assholes.

86. Well, it's too early to say, of course.

87. I got this job locked down.

88. Unless something terrible happens,

89. like you campaigning for me.

90. Oh, that's b—Mm.

91. Oh, I got a feeling that come 2016,

92. you and Bill will be back in the White House.

93. Yeah, and you're gonna be busy as

94. doing all the work 'cause I know you're gonna fire them interns.

95. What?

96. Well, I appreciate having you as an ally, of course.

97. Eight years ago I had a lock on this job,

98. until you showed up out of nowhere.

99. - Mm. - And you stole it from me

100. when you knew damn well it was my turn.

101. You think I ate all that , standing there smiling

102. next to my pussy-hound husband,

103. so I could turn around and become Secretary of State?

104. Guess again, mother.

105. You got my job and I'm gonna get it back.

106. And it's not gonna be easy because you screwed the pooch

107. six ways to Sunday.

108. Folks just a soon vote for a skinned possum

109. as a Democrat.

110. But that's okay.

111. 'Cause I'm gon' do it.

112. I'm gonna win this election.

113. And I am gonna bury you and every goddamn man

114. who ever stood in my way.

115. - Savannah, take it down a bit. - And 2016 is gonna—

116. What is wrong with you, girl?

117. You are embarrassing the future president

118. of the United States of America.

119. Have a little class.

120. It's always good to speak with you, Hillary.

121. You a nasty-ass bitch.

122. Nice to talk to you, Barack.

123. you, dream-stealer.

124. Damn, some people's just too angry.

125. I was on the train one time and there was a dude.

126. He was drunk.

127. And my man was...

128. Man, put your arm here.

129. He's, like, like this next to me.

130. My man was like this.

131. - My man was going... - What?

132. - Eww!

133. Eww!

134. And eventually, I was like, "Hey, man!"

135. No. Talking about "eventually."

136. No, you know me. Like, that's—that's hard for me.

137. - "Hey, man!" - "Hey, man!"

138. And he was like, "Rah, rah, rah."

139. You've been tiddling my arm for the last half hour.

140. Quit tiddling, man.

141. - Quit tiddling already. - Ain't nobody asked you.

142. 20 minutes is one thing, but half hour?

143. I'ma give you— I'ma give you—Hey—

144. I'ma give you 20 minutes to stop that.

145. 20 minutes max.

146. That was really creepy.

147. Yo.

148. Hey, yo.

149. Hey, yo.

150. Yo, yo.

151. Excuse—Excuse me?

152. Oh man, oh man, oh man.

153. I'll tell you one thing,

154. if 9/11st were to happen up on this here plane,

155. psht, don't worry.

156. We got this.

157. Oh.

158. Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about.

159. He said that if them terries is gonna try something

160. up in here today, like the bounce, boogie, and bump,

161. that we got this on lock.

162. Terr—Do you mean terrorists?

163. - Oh yeah. - Hells yeah, baby.

164. He ain't talking about Teri Garr.

165. And I certainly ain't talking about no terry cloth.

166. I mean, if a terry up on this plane,

167. even thinking about trying to do something,

168. we gon' draxx him up.

169. You're gonna— You're gonna what?

170. We're gonna draxx him sklounst.

171. I think what my partner's trying to say

172. is if any terries come up in here,

173. - we gon' get our Berger on. - Yeah.

174. Did something happen, or did I miss something?

175. Is this hypothetical, or...

176. Oh, we're gon' definitely drop some hypotheticals

177. on that terry's clavicle, 'cause I'm talking 'bout...

178. Don't you just wish though?

179. Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts...

180. Yeah. Yeah.

181. Some terry would come up in here, trying some grab-ass,

182. and the touchy-feely?

183. That's the opposite of what I want to have happen on a plane.

184. Okay. That's unfortunate.

185. Conference.

186. This was unexpected.

187. It certainly was.

188. I'm thrown right now as to who's gonna be our comrade.

189. I can still hear you.

190. He doesn't have the heart, nor the gumption.

191. You're literally right next to me, so...

192. On three, break.

193. Three.

194. Yoo-hoo.

195. I got an idea, feel free to say no,

196. but can we switch seats?

197. I will not take no for an answer.

198. Why?

199. That's the combat seat, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

200. If you gon' be in the combat seat

201. then you gots to be willing to blast up on some terries.

202. Because with great power

203. come great responsitrillitrust.

204. Okay. I just— I just wanted some leg room.

205. Um...

206. Okay, Max Legroom.

207. You get yours.

208. Meanwhile, I'm gon' go Hayden Pantinerry

209. on some terries.

210. Especially when they get froggy.

211. Ribbit, ribbit.

212. - Yeah. - Um...

213. You gon' have to be ready to kidnap a terry.

214. - I don't— - You gon' have to be ready

215. to torture a terry.

216. I don't think that's necessary.

217. Absolutely, you have to fireboard those motherjammers.

218. I don't even understand what that means.

219. Do you trust me?

220. No.

221. I'll take that as a yes.

222. Okay.

223. Trust.

224. These terries come up in here trying to act froggy...

225. Whoo!

226. Then we gon' give them the Rainbow Connection.

227. Here, froggy, froggy, froggy, froggy.

228. Is that a box cutter?

229. Oh, you best believe it, baby.

230. We gon' be eatin' like Diane Keaton.

231. 2.36 inches, baby.

232. Shifax.

233. Perfectly leg-well.

234. And if those don't work,

235. you know I'm working up that Plan B, brother.

236. You have a gun?

237. Oh, yeah. 3-D printer, baby.

238. 100% polyurethane.

239. They can't detect these mamajamas.

240. They have a— They have a weap—

241. They have— They—

242. They have a weapon! They have a weapon!

243. - Oh, God! - These guys got a weapon.

244. - Who got a weapon? - Where you at terry?

245. Everybody relax. We takin' control of this plane.

246. No, wait a minute, I'm not with them.

247. The guy on the right is the ringleader.

248. Ow!

249. I don't know them. I don't know them.

250. I don't know those guys.

251. I'm on vacation.

252. Draxx.

253. Them.

254. Sklounst.

255. I think of myself as a male feminist.

256. - Do you now? - Okay?

257. - Mm-hmm. - But does—so—

258. But does that mean, like, if a girl comes over

259. and she's just, boom!

260. She just got like, poof, poof.

261. Looking like she's hiding a couple of aardvarks back there.

262. I'm not supposed to look?

263. Aardvarks?

264. You know, just, pow, pow pow!

265. No, wait a second.

266. Looking like she's dealing some sauce.

267. I'm just trying to get over "aardvarks."

268. Well, what is the sexiest animal

269. that you would compare to female anatomy?

270. I would just a completely,

271. a completely different object in the world.

272. Not even an animal. Just, like, two—

273. two grapefruits.

274. Two grapefruit—dude, what you talking 'bout grapefruits?

275. You know, listen, we're doing it.

276. We're objectifying women right now as we're doing it.

277. - Are we? - Oh, my God.

278. (all) ♪ No, we don't say "booty"

279. (all) ♪ Women are doctors, too

280. (all) ♪ 'Cause "ho" is

281. This is 288, I'm investigating the report of a disturbance.

282. (over radio) Roger that, 288.

283. Freeze!

284. Because I got a Popsicle, you think—

285. Gun!

286. Oh, rats.

287. (both) Whoa.

288. Watch out! That black guy's got a gun

289. and he's gonna steal your banana!

290. (both) What?

291. Go. Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go,

292. go, go go, go, go, go.

293. Come on.

294. Sir!

295. You're gonna have to leave the area.

296. There's been a disturbance.

297. Go. For your safety, sir.

298. Go now. Please.

299. Okay. Go, go, go. Get going.

300. Big fuzzy gun!

301. I mean, it was like, it was like, you know, a holiday

302. for people having guns.

303. God damn it!

304. Mayor's on a warpath.

305. Who's responsible for this mess?

306. I'm sorry, Chief. It was me.

307. Gun!

308. God damn it!

309. Coffee cup.

310. My bad.

311. Anyway, the last seven came out of nowhere.

312. If you need to pee, let me pull over

313. and you can pee in this enormous sandbox.

314. No, no. I'm good. I just don't want you to stop.

315. Let's go, we're almost there.

316. Look—look where you're aiming.

317. You haven't seen—oops!

318. No—"oops"? What? What's the oops? What was the oop?

319. Oh, yeah.

320. And if them terries come up in here,

321. we would stwack it and quack it.

322. Okay.

323. I feel like y'all are very excited.

324. - Yeah. - Um, I act—