1. Hoo!
Great hike today, buddy.Copy !req
2. I was coming up
that last hill,Copy !req
3. And I turned around and
you were nowhere to be found.Copy !req
4. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
5. Thought I was gonna have to
go back and get you.Copy !req
6. Uh, at least we made it.Copy !req
7. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you,
I talk in my sleep.Copy !req
8. - Oh.
- Yeah, quite a bit, actually,Copy !req
9. So if it bothers you,
just wake me up.Copy !req
10. - Okay, buddy.
- Cool.Copy !req
11. - Good night.
- Good night.Copy !req
12. Dick head.Copy !req
13. You stupid dick head.Copy !req
14. "Hey, Jordan,
oh, let's go camping, come on.Copy !req
15. "Oh, Jordan, keep hiking.
We're almost there.Copy !req
16. "Oh, buddy."Copy !req
17. So much energy.Copy !req
18. Just shove that clif bar
up your ass,Copy !req
19. You bald sucker.Copy !req
20. Jordan, Jordan.Copy !req
21. you,
Keegan... hyphen... Michael... Key.Copy !req
22. Jordan, wake up,Copy !req
23. - you're talking in your sleep.
- Not asleep yet.Copy !req
24. - Oh!
- Whoa.Copy !req
25. - Muay thai.
- Muay thai, muay thai.Copy !req
26. - Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
27. You guys are awesome!Copy !req
28. Thank you so much.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
29. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
30. Yeah, so...Copy !req
31. Thank you.Copy !req
32. Uh, ladies, are you...
how you doing tonight?Copy !req
33. You're good.
They're good.Copy !req
34. Every lady
I've ever datedCopy !req
35. somehow gets the impression
I can fight.Copy !req
36. Oh, that's... that's bad news
right off the bat.Copy !req
37. - That's bad news.
- 'cause he cannot, yes.Copy !req
38. - I can... well...
- Nor can I.Copy !req
39. If I guy says
something disrespectfulCopy !req
40. to a lady that I'm with,Copy !req
41. I'll just pretend
like I didn't...Copy !req
42. - I-I went blind.
- Somehow you didn't hear it?Copy !req
43. - Oh, man.
- Did you hear that?Copy !req
44. - I didn't... sss...
- Did you hear what he justCopy !req
45. - said to me right here?
- I just hadCopy !req
46. temporary blind- and deafness.
I don't know what's...Copy !req
47. - He was standing right here.
- He said that?Copy !req
48. He was standing right here,
calling me a...Copy !req
49. Where he at, where he at?
He left?Copy !req
50. - See. aw, man.
- No, he right here.Copy !req
51. - He right here.
- No, I don't knowCopy !req
52. where you pointing.
I don't know what...Copy !req
53. No, he's right...
he's right here.Copy !req
54. He's listening to you talk
right now.Copy !req
55. - Step to me!
- No, no.Copy !req
56. - Show yourself!
- This way. He's...Copy !req
57. - It ain't happening.
- He's right here.Copy !req
58. He is right...
He is right...Copy !req
59. - Baby, baby, baby.
- Oh, well...Copy !req
60. - Can you totally chill out?
- No, I'm so annoyed right now.Copy !req
61. Can you, like, not talk to me
for, like, a second?Copy !req
62. Like, that'd be great.
That'd be fine.Copy !req
63. That'd be fine by me.Copy !req
64. What?
Oh, my God, are you serious?Copy !req
65. This is bull.
What could possiblyCopy !req
66. be the problem with letting
two more people in?Copy !req
67. Check your girl, bro.Copy !req
68. - I'm sorry.
- Excuse me, what did you say?Copy !req
69. "Check your girl"? Uh-uhh,
It doesn't work like that.Copy !req
70. No one checks me
because I'm not luggage.Copy !req
71. Okay? So you can go
yoursee-elf.Copy !req
72. Meegan, seriously,Copy !req
73. Two more people are gonna
come out in a couple of seconds,Copy !req
74. and then we can go in.Copy !req
75. No!
Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
76. What was it like
being in The Green Mile?Copy !req
77. He wasn't in The Green Mile!Copy !req
78. He clearly wasn't
in that movie.Copy !req
79. What does Tom Hanks's penis
feel like?Copy !req
80. - Meegan!
- Moreover, how does it feelCopy !req
81. when swarms of bees
are coming out of your face?Copy !req
82. Seriously, I'm sorry.
It's, like, her favorite movie.Copy !req
83. Don't apologize for me!Copy !req
84. Yeah, this is nice,
this is nice.Copy !req
85. You look like Common meets
The Incredible Hulk.Copy !req
86. - Meegan...
- When you broughtCopy !req
87. the frankincense to Baby Jesus,
Did they, like...Copy !req
88. - Oh.
- make you standCopy !req
89. outside the barn
because you were too big,Copy !req
90. or did they invite you in
with all the other animals?Copy !req
91. Don't flare your nostrils
at me,Copy !req
92. - okay?
- He's...Copy !req
93. Do you have any idea
how impolite that is?Copy !req
94. He hasn't moved his nostrils
once since we got here.Copy !req
95. - I saw them move!
- They did not move, Meegan.Copy !req
96. They flared!Copy !req
97. Meegan, they
did not move!Copy !req
98. Your nostrils flared more than
a survivor from a boat accident.Copy !req
99. What?Copy !req
100. He's not even looking me
in the eyes.Copy !req
101. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
102. If you're just going to continue
to be a little prick,Copy !req
103. you're gonna get your ass
kicked.Copy !req
104. Don't touch him, Mee...
Meegan.Copy !req
105. Crazy bitch.Copy !req
106. Oh!Copy !req
107. I totally love my nails
right now.Copy !req
108. I'm so over everything
right now,Copy !req
109. over the floor,
I'm over the sky, I'm over you,Copy !req
110. over that pussy back there.Copy !req
111. You're a pussy!Copy !req
112. - Meegan, seriously.
- Whatever.Copy !req
113. Nice legs, little lady.Copy !req
114. Um, excuse me?Copy !req
115. Oh, God!Copy !req
116. Hey, what did you say?Copy !req
117. What the
did you just say?Copy !req
118. You guys come back here with
your little itty-bitty dicks.Copy !req
119. You best control your lady.Copy !req
120. - Yup.
- Excuse...Copy !req
121. "Control your lady"?
No, he doesn't control me,Copy !req
122. 'cause let me tell you
something, I'm not a remote.Copy !req
123. Meegan, baby,
can we just let this go?Copy !req
124. No, I'm talking to the Pussies
of Anarchy right now.Copy !req
125. - Oh, boy.
- Yeah, you.Copy !req
126. Why don't you all
gather yourselves,Copy !req
127. and why don't you just go
and figure out a wayCopy !req
128. to on each other's
leathery peni.Copy !req
129. Hey, you, bitch!Copy !req
130. - Oh, no.Copy !req
131. It's not even the plural
of "penis."Copy !req
132. Yeah!Copy !req
133. I'm the queen of the world!Copy !req
134. Yes!
I feel invincible!Copy !req
135. Like I have super powers
or something. Ha ha!Copy !req
136. You hear that,
all you of the world?Copy !req
137. I can do anything I want,
and no one can stop me.Copy !req
138. Because you don't have to
fight your own fights,Copy !req
139. you crazy bitch!Copy !req
140. Oh, boy.Copy !req
141. Oh, no.Copy !req
142. Ugh! Oh.Copy !req
143. Nothing can stop me!Copy !req
144. Action.Copy !req
145. Hey, have you ever
found yourselfCopy !req
146. in High Point, North Carolina,
and not feeling safe?Copy !req
147. Come on down to Doug Duggart's
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.Copy !req
148. You will learn
to tackle and grapple,Copy !req
149. And...Copy !req
150. like a ultimate fighting pro.Copy !req
151. At my studio, you get
hands-on training,Copy !req
152. and individual attention.Copy !req
153. So hut! Hut!Copy !req
154. Tackle and grapple.Copy !req
155. Take on multiple enemies.Copy !req
156. This is a tackle.
That's a grapple.Copy !req
157. This is a tackle.Copy !req
158. That's a grapple.Copy !req
159. Get... There we go.Copy !req
160. Tackle and grapple!Copy !req
161. All ages, learn to protect
yourself and your loved ones.Copy !req
162. There are many
different levels.Copy !req
163. There's the beginner level,Copy !req
164. and if you pass my private
one-on-one sensei trial,Copy !req
165. you may make it
into the advanced class.Copy !req
166. Tackle and grapple!Copy !req
167. Doug Duggart's
Brazilian Jiu JitsuCopy !req
168. at the High Point mini mall.
Just east of the pizza barnCopy !req
169. two doors down from Carl's
Discount Wheels and Furniture.Copy !req
170. So... quick tackle!
Get down.Copy !req
171. No, stay... stay away.Copy !req
172. Special discounts
for college students.Copy !req
173. S... Mm, move it.
Get your leg back.Copy !req
174. Put your leg back there.Copy !req
175. There's an elevator etiquette,Copy !req
176. and people gotta be following
this etiquette.Copy !req
177. When I get on an elevator
and I press sixCopy !req
178. and the light lights up,
and you get in the elevator,Copy !req
179. if you're going to six
and you see the light's lit up,Copy !req
180. don't touch
the button.Copy !req
181. Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit
diddle-diddle-ditCopy !req
182. dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit
diddle-diddle-dit.Copy !req
183. What are you doing,
Morse code up in here?Copy !req
184. Yeah, that's right, man,
I'm sending...Copy !req
185. sending a telegram.Copy !req
186. Sometimes it makes the doors
go faster.Copy !req
187. - Oh, yeah?
- You want to reallyCopy !req
188. - get it going...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
189. - You gotta warm it up.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
190. - Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.
- Yeah. Yeah,Copy !req
191. The doors have not yet
closed, sir.Copy !req
192. Every elevator's different,
man.Copy !req
193. I'm a elevator whisperer,
really, is what I am.Copy !req
194. This one needs a little care,
needs a little tender...Copy !req
195. tender TLC.
Come on, baby.Copy !req
196. What's...Copy !req
197. Come on, baby.
Let's get it going.Copy !req
198. Let's get it going.Copy !req
199. She's not responding to you.Copy !req
200. You know, I'm just...
just gonna take the next one.Copy !req
201. Yeah, all right, all right.Copy !req
202. Uh, I actually pressed it
already.Copy !req
203. - Mmm?
- The walk button, I pressed it.Copy !req
204. Couldn't hurt
to press it again.Copy !req
205. But it won't help.Copy !req
206. I mean, I pressed it
already, right?Copy !req
207. It's already done.Copy !req
208. You don't think
I didn't press it?Copy !req
209. No, I wasn't saying that.Copy !req
210. Good, 'cause I most certainly
did press it.Copy !req
211. Just have to wait for it
to change.Copy !req
212. So I'm, like,
late for work,Copy !req
213. So I'm just...
just gonna press it.Copy !req
214. What for? Why would you do
something that's already done?Copy !req
215. I mean, I just think that
that's crazy, right?Copy !req
216. - I dunno.
- You wouldn't suit upCopy !req
217. and try to kill Bin Laden again.
It's done.Copy !req
218. I have killed the Bin laden
of pressing this button.Copy !req
219. How long ago
did you press it?Copy !req
220. What do you think, I've been
standing here for days?Copy !req
221. - I...
- I just pressed itCopy !req
222. right as you walked up.Copy !req
223. Are you sure
you pressed it?Copy !req
224. Am I sure I pressed it?
It's... how could I miss it?Copy !req
225. Rats know
how to press buttons.Copy !req
226. Do you think
I'm dumber than a rat?Copy !req
227. No. No, nobody's saying
anything like that, man.Copy !req
228. It's gonna change.
Just... just wait.Copy !req
229. It's because I pressed it
already.Copy !req
230. Okay, no offense.
I'm just gonna press it.Copy !req
231. What would you do that for?
This is precision equipmentCopy !req
232. Designed by people
with engineering degrees.Copy !req
233. It will work.Copy !req
234. I pressed it, sir!
I pressed the button!Copy !req
235. While we've been
standing here,Copy !req
236. the light cycle
has gone by twice, okay?Copy !req
237. I'm not saying
you didn't press it.Copy !req
238. I'm just saying
maybe it didn't work!Copy !req
239. If it didn't work for me,Copy !req
240. why in the world
would it work for you?Copy !req
241. You think that it would
change faster if you pressed it?Copy !req
242. You think the light
doesn't like me, or something,Copy !req
243. or do you think that this
particular button was designedCopy !req
244. so that it only worksCopy !req
245. after the second time
that it's been pressed?Copy !req
246. 'cause that's lunacy, okay?
Do you understand?Copy !req
247. Do not cut my balls off
on this one, okay?Copy !req
248. Please,
do not press the button...Copy !req
249. again.Copy !req
250. Okay, fine!
We'll just stand here!Copy !req
251. Thank you.Copy !req
252. - What?
- Hey, no!Copy !req
253. Oh! oh!Copy !req
254. Told you shouldn't have pressed
the button.Copy !req
255. Told him not to do that.Copy !req
256. No, actually, I already
pressed the button, sir.Copy !req
257. All right, fellas,
Coming to the stage nextCopy !req
258. is the beautiful Galaxy.Copy !req
259. - Hey, baby.
- Hey, baby.Copy !req
260. Oh.Copy !req
261. Gon' be for you.Copy !req
262. You can keep it.Copy !req
263. There's more
where that came from too.Copy !req
264. Trust me.Copy !req
265. There's my girl.
Oh, damn.Copy !req
266. I'm straight up talkin' 'bout
some Darryl Dawkins right here,Copy !req
267. Because this
some chocolate thunder.Copy !req
268. What, girl?
Make it rain!Copy !req
269. Yeah.Copy !req
270. - Oh, yeah, girl.
- I try to make it last!Copy !req
271. What...Copy !req
272. All right, girl, mmm.Copy !req
273. Sha-pam! I'ma get it
right in the booty right there.Copy !req
274. Uh, and booty-swam!Copy !req
275. That's what you call
a booty investment.Copy !req
276. Sha-blam!Copy !req
277. But you really don't need
to give 'em that much.Copy !req
278. I don't think
they're expecting all that.Copy !req
279. Whoo!Copy !req
280. It's kind of like
feeding a squirrel, you know?Copy !req
281. I mean, they will
come back to you, so...Copy !req
282. Oh, oh, oh, my gosh.
Some of this is getting lost.Copy !req
283. Let's get it right
where it needs to be.Copy !req
284. - Right in there, baby. Oh, yeah.
- Keep it classy.Copy !req
285. - Ha ha ha!
- Keep it classy.Copy !req
286. Oh, somebody
better get a umbrella,Copy !req
287. 'cause I can't stop
making it rain.Copy !req
288. It's like Noah's flood
up in here.Copy !req
289. Whoo, two by two, baby.
Two by two! Ha ha!Copy !req
290. Baby, you don't know
that I'm the General,Copy !req
291. 'cause it's Stormin' Norman.
That's what they be calling me.Copy !req
292. - Ahh.
- Damn.Copy !req
293. Anyway, like I said,
when you finish training,Copy !req
294. we'll get Scotty Musso
up in here.Copy !req
295. That
can train a boxer.Copy !req
296. Ooh, Lord have mercy.Copy !req
297. You don't know nothing
about this.Copy !req
298. Make it rain!Copy !req
299. - Aah!
- What the...Copy !req
300. Are you an idiot?Copy !req
301. Leon,
get this guy outta here.Copy !req
302. All right, nobody move!
There he is.Copy !req
303. There who is?Copy !req
304. - You, on your feet!
- What?Copy !req
305. - On your feet.
- What I do?Copy !req
306. You're under arrest
for photocopying money.Copy !req
307. Oh, goddamn it!Copy !req
308. You know how long it took me
to cut all that out?Copy !req
309. I got carpal tunnel syndrome
up in this bitch,Copy !req
310. calluses on the inside
of my thumbs.Copy !req
311. That's definitely real,
though.Copy !req
312. Remember the character
that Laurence Fishburne playedCopy !req
313. in Boyz N the Hood?
Furious, right?Copy !req
314. We love those characters
who are... like, the older dudesCopy !req
315. who just have to be
spouting adviceCopy !req
316. to everybody in the movie.Copy !req
317. Dude walking around with
some sort of food in his hand.Copy !req
318. Want a lemonhead, son?
You want a lemonhead?Copy !req
319. You want a lemonhead, son?
Want a lemonhead?Copy !req
320. I got corn nuts in this hand,
lemonheads in this hand.Copy !req
321. Which one you want?Copy !req
322. The funny thing
about those dudes,Copy !req
323. those dudes, they're never,
like, in their 70s.Copy !req
324. They were always,
like, in their 40s or 50s.Copy !req
325. - Mm-hmm.
- , why is you...Copy !req
326. - why don't you have a job?
- Yeah.Copy !req
327. - How are you giving me advice?
- Where is your job?Copy !req
328. He's just, like, you know,
sitting on...Copy !req
329. Boy, you need to get out there
and get yourself employed,Copy !req
330. - so something with your life.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
331. 'cause I ain't got time
for no monkey business.Copy !req
332. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
333. And what do you do
for a living, sir?Copy !req
334. L... Advise.Copy !req
335. Mm, brothers, brothers,
brothers,Copy !req
336. see, when are we gon' think
of ourselves as more than this?Copy !req
337. What y'all doing,
y'all rollin'? huh?Copy !req
338. Flippin'? Stoopin'?Copy !req
339. Boxin'? Maxin'?Copy !req
340. Chaxin'?Copy !req
341. I used to stoop.
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
342. I used to flip, roll, you know,
whatever you want to call it.Copy !req
343. Me and my crew,Copy !req
344. we would get into activity,
much like yourselves.Copy !req
345. You see, the problem was,
we were only perpetuatingCopy !req
346. the stereotype the system
already assumes about us.Copy !req
347. Mm.
You see, we need toCopy !req
348. stop feeding into
the preconceived notionsCopy !req
349. that we are all...Copy !req
350. Great job, you guys.
You really work hard today.Copy !req
351. I wish I could pay you more,
but you know how it is.Copy !req
352. Eh... who are you, huh?
What do you want?Copy !req
353. I-I don't know.Copy !req
354. As you were.Copy !req
355. As you were what,
smart guy?Copy !req
356. Mmm. Oh, ho.
Brothers, brothers, brothers,Copy !req
357. Look at yourselves.
Pants hangin' off your ass,Copy !req
358. Looking like
a couple of clowns...Copy !req
359. which you are. Okay,
Enjoy the birthday celebration.Copy !req
360. Gimme your money,
Bitch!Copy !req
361. - No! No!
- I said,Copy !req
362. - gimme your money, bitch!
- Oh! Oh!Copy !req
363. Brother, brother, brother.Copy !req
364. Sir, everybody
in this self-defense classCopy !req
365. has already paid
to participate.Copy !req
366. If you're interested,
you can sign up online.Copy !req
367. - I'm interested.
- Good.Copy !req
368. That's why I came over here.
I'm interested.Copy !req
369. I'm gon' think about it.Copy !req
370. - I'm interested.
- Thank you, sir.Copy !req
371. Now, ladies, it's gon' get
really intense today,Copy !req
372. no matter what happens.Copy !req
373. I will be groping
your breastasiesCopy !req
374. as if you were being attacked
like a real attacker.Copy !req
375. Brother, brother, my brother.
Now, I was watching you.Copy !req
376. Now, you older brothers
need to break the stereotypeCopy !req
377. and stop being so preachy.Copy !req
378. - You know what?
- Mm?Copy !req
379. - I'm preachy?
- Mm.Copy !req
380. Come on.Copy !req
381. You preachy, man.
Plus, you older than me.Copy !req
382. I'm nine years old.
I got Benjamin Button's disease.Copy !req
383. S... I'm done. I'm done.Copy !req
384. "Oh, nature's
gonna be so great once we get..."Copy !req
385. Shove nature up your ass,
you bald sucker.Copy !req
386. And by "bald sucker,"
I mean you suck bald.Copy !req
387. Still awake.Copy !req
388. Do you guys... do you guys
like funk music?Copy !req
389. Yeah.Copy !req
390. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
391. I tell you, funk music
is a real testamentCopy !req
392. to what a big group of people
can doCopy !req
393. - when they take acid together.
- Yes.Copy !req
394. It's really...
It's just fantastic.Copy !req
395. It looks like
a Halloween party for kidsCopy !req
396. - when the parents was just drunk.
- Yeah, right, exactly.Copy !req
397. It's like, "I don't know,
just put some on."Copy !req
398. "I don't... put this on
and just... blip!Copy !req
399. "Just stick on that
in the headCopy !req
400. - "and wear nothing but a diaper."
- Yeah, you know.Copy !req
401. And the funny thing is,
the lyrics are just kind ofCopy !req
402. a combination of some mode
of transportation...Copy !req
403. - Mm-hmm.
- a food,Copy !req
404. - and an animal.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
405. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
406. - And just get it in there.
- Yeah.Copy !req
407. Right?Copy !req
408. That's it.Copy !req
409. Might've made
too much sense there.Copy !req
410. Yeah, might have made
too much sense, yeah.Copy !req
411. It might've made... like,
"No, that's not funky,Copy !req
412. "cause I knew what the
he was talking about."Copy !req
413. I knew what that meant.Copy !req
414. Hey, what the hell
are we saying, man?Copy !req
415. I got no idea, man.
I'm just hungryCopy !req
416. and talking
about the galaxy and trash.Copy !req
417. I think they buying it,
though.Copy !req
418. - Tackle and grapple... No?
- Tackle and grap!Copy !req
419. - We tackle and grapple.
- You want we goCopy !req
420. - tackle and grapple?
- Gonna go tackle and grap.Copy !req
421. Tackle... look at these.
Tackle and grapple!Copy !req
422. - No, no, no.
- Tackle and grapple.Copy !req
423. No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
424. Good night, everybody.
Good night.Copy !req
425. - Tackle and grapple.
- You stay there.Copy !req
426. - Man.
- Tackle.Copy !req
427. Oh, yeah.Copy !req