Key & Peele 3x8

1. Hey, man, you got it?

2. Yeah, I got it.

3. - What you doing? - Hmm?

4. What the— What the hell are you doing?

5. I'm just trying to give you the money—

6. Don't whisper. Don't whisper.

7. Just speak like a normal individual, all right?

8. Act natural, and just give me the money.

9. - Okay. - Okay?

10. Okay. Okay, I will do that.

11. Thank you.

12. Hey, man, what's up? What you doing?

13. What's with the Robin Williams routine, man?

14. What's going on here?

15. Why are you playing to the cheap seats?

16. I'm just trying to act— I'm just trying to act—

17. - I'm trying to act natural. - Well, why you jumping

18. in between different characters to do so?

19. I'm not. I'm not doing that.

20. - What am I— - Trying to act natural.

21. If anything, I'm changing my volume.

22. You acting like someone who's trying to hide it.

23. You know who tries to hide it?

24. - Dudes who's buying drugs... - (shushing)

25. - Try to hide it, all right? - Okay.

26. You looking like the most drug-buyingest dude in—

27. Okay, please stop saying the word "drugs."

28. - Damn! - (shushes)

29. Don't shush me.

30. Now just take out your money.

31. And fan it.

32. - Fan it? - Fan it.

33. You know how to fan money?

34. - Just— somebody might see. - Thank you.

35. No. Fan it out.

36. Good.

37. Now give it to me. Good.

38. That's all there is to it.

39. Here come the drug machine. Boop.

40. All right, now just high five And say "drugs."

41. (both) Drugs.

42. Unreal. Look at these clowns.

43. - Those two? - Not them.

44. - Them. - Go, go, go. Drug deal!

45. You're under arrest!

46. Hands where I can see 'em, sluts!

47. Subs created by David Coleman

48. Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

49. - I am Keegan Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele.

50. - And we are Key and Peele. - Thank you. Yeah.

51. Have you ever been in a bathroom of a baseball stadium?

52. - And there's this dude? - This dude—talking about—

53. - We talked about this. - There's this dude.

54. - Right, this guy. - Right, this guy.

55. All right, fellas, tap it any more than two times

56. and you're playing with it. (laughs)

57. Now he's pretending like it's his joke.

58. This joke has been around since 1867.

59. Right. Can you imagine—

60. If they did that in cowboy times?

61. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - If a guy did that in—

62. That wouldn't fly the same way.

63. - No, it'd be like— - It'd be like—

64. (exaggerated drawl) Well, fellas,

65. you tap it any more than two times

66. and you are officially playing with yourself.

67. That's my joke. (imitates gunfire)

68. The right triangle's longest side

69. is called the hypotenuse,

70. and it's this side here.

71. Hey, I wish I were high on potenuse.

72. "I wish I was high on potenuse."

73. Okay, okay, okay.

74. Oh, Mr. Morrison, it's very funny.

75. It's very funny, but let's get back to the lesson.

76. We can see the longest one

77. where it goes from this point—

78. That was my joke.

79. I know, man. That was hilarious.

80. triangle. I've labeled them here

81. - "A,"B," and "C." - No, but, I mean, I said that.

82. I said it.

83. I said it. I said that.

84. Please, please, Mr. Jackson, keep your comments to yourself.

85. Thank you.

86. Now the hypotenuse— (laughter)

87. Mr. Morrison, You really got me on that one.

88. Oh, so great.

89. Oh, oh, Principal Martel, Principal Martel, come here,

90. Come here, come here.

91. Tell Principal Martel what you said, Troy.

92. Oh, she was talking about the hypotenuse,

93. and I said, "I wish I was high on potenuse."

94. I'm sorry.

95. (laughter continues) He likes it.

96. Principal Martel's cool.

97. Oh, that's— That's very funny.

98. Principal Martel, Principal Martel, I said that.

99. Mr. Jackson, that is enough.

100. - But I said it first. - Dude, come on.

101. Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias,

102. Yes, come in, Come in.

103. - (gasps) - Yeah.

104. Yes. What's up, peoples?

105. - Fluffy. - Comedian Gabriel Iglesias

106. is touring the local schools today

107. for a charity he's working on.

108. Tell him what you said. Tell him what you said.

109. Uh, I wish I was high on potenuse.

110. Oh, my God. That is clever.

111. That is clever. Very funny.

112. - No. No. - Very funny.

113. Right? Thanks, thanks.

114. Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias,

115. I'm your biggest fan.

116. That was my joke.

117. You know, it's not really cool, buddy,

118. to take credit for other people's jokes.

119. Hey, listen, funny stuff.

120. I'm doing this big tour right now.

121. You want to see about maybe we could talk about you opening?

122. I need an opener.

123. Um, sure.

124. What do you think? Is that okay?

125. - Of course. Of course. - Yeah.

126. (gasps) What?

127. - Sorry about that. - Talent, man.

128. It's nice to meet you. Thanks so much.

129. That's like a Richard Pryor. Get over here, man.

130. - Come on. - Richard Pryor.

131. He deserved it.

132. All right, so across from the longest side

133. is a 90-degree angle.

134. Good thing I've got a 90-degree dangle.

135. Joel, stop it! You will never be Troy!

136. Why are you trying to be like Troy?

137. Dick.

138. Et tu, nerdy girl?

139. So the hypotenu— (laughter)

140. What the is going on?

141. I'm gonna piss my pants.

142. I'm gonna piss my pants right here.

143. Oh, my God! Oh!

144. You ever go see black theater? Anyone?

145. Anybody go to the black theater?

146. Yeah. Black theater's interesting

147. because there's a very distinct black theater style.

148. There's a lot of neck acting.

149. A lot of neck acting.

150. You should be a little overwrought

151. Whenever ta— even when you're happy, you know.

152. Our family will never, ever...

153. - ever fall apart. - Mm.

154. Seems like something one should be happy about.

155. I woke up today, and I ate some cereal.

156. - Intermission! - (hums)

157. (both) Oh, Othello is my shite!

158. —eth, yeah. - Othello, mother!

159. , you dead, white person.

160. (laughter) Oh, this play doth seem dope

161. - to me, Martinsia. - Verily, Lashawnia.

162. Verily. Yo, and 'tis about time

163. Shakespeare doth scriven the play that places a brother

164. - amongst the firmaments. - That's my shite!

165. Oh, who's your favorite character?

166. - Mine's Othello. - Oh, 'tis mine as well.

167. - 'tis mine as well. - Because they got Othello

168. as a general. I'm saying, helleth, yes.

169. And Othello did the beast with two backs

170. with that comely white maiden,

171. and didst not anyone speaketh against him.

172. - Mm. - He straight pimpin'.

173. Methinks things are looking up for people of the darker hue.

174. - Damn straight. - Hoo.

175. - Come on. - Oh, hey, Martinsia.

176. - Mm. - Wouldst that I could borrow

177. a couple of ducats to purchaseth a capon

178. from yonder concession?

179. Pssh, Moor, please.

180. You know I got a concealed cornish game hen

181. - up in my doublet. - Ooh, alloweth me to partaketh

182. - up in this bitch. - Okay, okay.

183. Get in there. (bell dings)

184. The second act is about to begin.

185. Come on, y'all. Y'all heard the ursher.

186. If I know Shakespeare, Othello's about to kill

187. everybody up in this bitch. (laughs)

188. No, no, no, Mm-mm, I hateth this play.

189. How they gonna kill Othello?

190. Man, that trifling ass Iago, I knew he was up to something.

191. They should have killed him in the first act.

192. How they gonna kill Othello?

193. How Othello gonna do himself in with a dagger,

194. - how doth that happen? - Let me tell you something,

195. if a brother kill himself every time he broke up

196. with a white bitch, this world would be bereft of brothers.

197. You'd be talking to a skull right now.

198. - Okay? - Where's Shakespeares at?

199. - Shakespeares. - Oh, he's right there.

200. (both) Prithee. Prithee.

201. Make way. Prithee. Make way.

202. Be gone, Sire.

203. - You killed Othello! - A black man got it going on,

204. and you shuffle off his mortal coil?

205. I say unto thee that's a tragedy.

206. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, 'tis that not

207. the troubadour Kanye of the West?

208. What? Where's— Wait.

209. Truth be told, my lords,

210. 'tis not I who penned this dreadful play.

211. - 'twas Christopher Marlowe. - (both) Nay, nay, nay.

212. - Yes, it was. - Thou already tried to use

213. that line of argument when the Jews wanted

214. to kick your ass after The Merchant of Venice.

215. We doth not purchase it, Slick Willy.

216. We doth not purchase it.

217. Be calm, my good lords.

218. 'twill not be long before another black hero

219. graceth the stage, and now if you'll let me take my leave.

220. Not so fast.

221. You going to write that hero now.

222. Verily that, mother.

223. That John Shafte is one bad mother—

224. Shut that mouth.

225. - I just speaketh about Shafte. - Mm.

226. Yo, Levi, man.

227. Just won $10 on this scratch-off, homie.

228. Pssh, man, quit pulling my dick.

229. - What? - Come up in here lying to me.

230. I ain't buying it. You pulling my dick.

231. First of all, I ain't lying to you,

232. And, second of all, that's not the phrase.

233. Come up in here, piss on my dick, tell me it's raining.

234. Piss on my leg, and tell me it's raining.

235. Oh, I see, now you gonna piss and pull on my dick?

236. Come on.

237. Do you understand that you got all your wrong?

238. No, actually, you got it wrong.

239. Yeah.

240. - I— - Yeah, see?

241. You ain't even got a dick to stand on.

242. Okay. Okay, let me ask you a question.

243. What do you call those little plastic building blocks?

244. What you mean, Dickos?

245. Name a famous comic strip detective.

246. Leg Tracy. What's with the questions, man?

247. Do you know the name of a giant cartoon rooster?

248. Foghorn Dickhorn.

249. Okay, you done. You done.

250. Give me that.

251. All right. Yo, you just gotta—

252. You gotta leave now, huh?

253. Just 'cause I got a dick up on you?

254. I'm a-leg-ted to marijuana.

255. You guys know this rule in football,

256. excessive celebration, right?

257. That a player can get a penalty flag

258. for celebrating excessively in the end zone.

259. What I don't understand is,

260. they're so disciplined to learn the skill

261. of playing football, you'd think they'd have

262. enough discipline to get in the end zone and just be like...

263. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

264. If anything, doing the Funky Chicken

265. after you get a touchdown exemplifies the fact

266. that you didn't expect you were going to get a touchdown.

267. It would be so much cooler if you just ran—

268. You should just score a touchdown, be like,

269. "Boop, this is what I do every day,

270. it."

271. And we're coming to the end of the first quarter

272. with the Rhinos in the red zone for the first time.

273. Gotta say, Bill, I like watching these Rhinos.

274. Ransom takes the snap, drops back with good protection,

275. and that's a completed pass to a very wide-open

276. Hingle McCringleberry, the rookie out of Penn State.

277. Nice grab by McCringleberry. You think he's happy?

278. Oh, boy, he is loving it down there.

279. Oh, we got something of a shooting gallery going on.

280. Yeah, look at that. Boy, that is something, and—

281. Oh, wait, we've got a flag there.

282. Is that for excessive celebration?

283. Oh, see, I'm not sure about that call.

284. I don't know, Bill. That was three pumps,

285. and the rulebook says you cannot have more than two.

286. Oh, my gosh, but look at the kid.

287. He's pleading his case with the ref.

288. Pleading his case.

289. Yeah, clearly three pumps.

290. Coach Hohnson definitely not happy

291. - about this call. - Two pumps!

292. Five minutes into the fourth quarter,

293. Third and ten, the Rhinos again threatening to score.

294. Can the Cougars hold them?

295. Big play coming here, Bill.

296. Ransom takes the snap, drops back,

297. He floats one into the end zone,

298. and McCringleberry pulls it down.

299. - He's got it. - Oh, my gosh.

300. For his second touchdown of the day for this rookie,

301. he has gotta be feeling great about himself.

302. Nicely done. I'll tell you, man, he's—

303. Oh, oh, see, now there's two pumps.

304. Yeah, he's really testing the boundaries,

305. and he's clearly gotten the ref's attention here.

306. A third pump will draw a flag no matter what.

307. - (blows whistle) - See— oh, he just did it again.

308. Now what is that, the second time?

309. Now you have to flag him on this.

310. Yeah, he had to. You know, Bill,

311. It's just frustrating seeing young players

312. without the ability to restrain themselves.

313. No, it really is. It's hard.

314. I mean, the ref's gonna get you every time.

315. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

316. See, now the ref agrees that's three pumps

317. Right there.

318. And the quarterback Ransom under center.

319. Last five minutes of the game.

320. The Rhinos are marching here again.

321. Hard to stop this team from scoring, Bill.

322. They have so many weapons.

323. Ransom takes the snap.

324. And it's a shovel pass to McCringleberry, who—

325. He's at the 10. He's at the 5.

326. - And touchdown, Rhinos. - Oh, my.

327. Great block by Hardunkichud, and that's gonna be

328. tough for the Cougars to come back from.

329. Boy, what a career day from Hingle McCringleberry,

330. The rookie out of Penn State.

331. Oh, he was just amazingly fired up here today, Jim.

332. You gotta love the way this guy plays,

333. - and he— - (both) Ohh.

334. - See, now there's one pump. - Uh-oh.

335. I cannot believe this kid.

336. You got to put your team first in situations like this,

337. And McCringleberry's just not doing that.

338. Now there's two. Jeff, now if he pumps

339. a third time, he will draw his third penalty

340. for today.

341. Everybody here waiting with bated breath.

342. - He did it. - Oh, did he?

343. - Yes, he did it. - Oh. That's just—

344. - Couldn't help himself. - That's just amazing.

345. I mean, come on, in professional football—

346. - it's a shame. - That's what it is.

347. - Yes, yes, it is. - You can argue all you want,

348. but the flag, well, it's been thrown.

349. That's right. If it's three pumps,

350. The ref's not gonna take it away now.

351. No, he's not. Duration and intensity

352. - doesn't make any difference. - Well, Jeff, let's have a look

353. at the replay here to see if indeed he did do

354. - the three pumps. - All right. No question.

355. - There is the first one, right? - Yeah. Agreed.

356. And then coming up

357. - is the second one. - Okay.

358. Yes, very clear.

359. - It's the third— - We'll see it.

360. - It's coming up right here. - I'm just not sure.

361. Oh, yeah, you're right.

362. There's absolutely three pumps there.

363. - Oh. - Uh, apologies to all

364. those watching with young children.

365. Clearly unintentional.

366. Our writing assistant James, he's a white guy,

367. And, you know, he basically— his job is to kind

368. of read back stuff that we write,

369. and so sometimes we'll just mess with him

370. by just, like, putting the N-word in a sketch,

371. like, 50 times.

372. He does everything in his power

373. to be politically correct.

374. James, read that back to me, read that back to me.

375. He's like, "All right, well..."

376. I gotta hear that back. Quick, quick, fast, fast, fast.

377. Read it fast, Read it fast.

378. - Uh... - Rapid-fire, rapid-fire.

379. I'm gonna read it with you. I'm gonna read it with you.

380. What's up, my unh?

381. Ain't nothing wrong, man.

382. I'm just hanging, my. What's going on?

383. Just unh, please.

384. Don't go next door.

385. There's some crazy over there.

386. Uh, you got that right, unh.

387. Marjorie, I'd love a cupcake.

388. Thank you so much for coming today.

389. As you know, every year the vice president hosts

390. The annual company luncheon, so I brought you here

391. to make sure that none of my material could be

392. in any way misconstrued

393. as sexist or racist or homophobic.

394. So, if you hear anything that could be in any way offensive

395. to anyone, just raise your hand, and—

396. Oh, I haven't really started yet.

397. Did you find something offensive?

398. The fact that you think I need a man's permission

399. to raise my hand is insane.

400. I can raise my hand whenever I want to raise my hand

401. because I'm a free woman.

402. So I should just raise my hand

403. like this, like a big, old black power fist, yeah, huh, boss man?

404. Is that what you want from me?

405. Is this what you wanted?

406. A floppy gay hand

407. just floating around in the air.

408. Well, here you go. here's my floppy gay hand

409. at the end of my limp, gay wrist.

410. - Happy? - No.

411. Jesus, no.

412. Wow, what?

413. Why not "Mary, no," Or "Rachel, no,"

414. Or "Bathsheba, no"?

415. Why does it have to be Jesus, a man?

416. And are we talking about the Jesus that accepts everyone

417. or the Jesus who doesn't believe people should be able to love

418. who they love?

419. Oh, maybe I should just break out in some gospel songs,

420. screaming and hollering and hooting,

421. "Oh, Lordy, Lordy."

422. No, this isn't the speech yet.

423. Can I just do the speech?

424. Oh, you want this bitch to shut up?

425. - Is that it? - What's the matter?

426. The black guy's making way too much noise

427. in your movie theater, Massa?

428. Forgive me for lisping And lilting through your speech.

429. - No, I just meant— - (all) Whoa!

430. What's with the hands, man? I ain't gonna shoot ya.

431. What, are you gonna grab my breasts now?

432. Protect yourself from the gay invasion.

433. - Guys. - Ho, "Guys," should I leave?

434. Sorry, men and women.

435. Let's exclude everybody who identifies themself

436. as something else because they're not people!

437. I meant people.

438. Whose people? My people?

439. Do I speak for my people?

440. - All right. - More like "All white."

441. More like "No rights."

442. More like "Women are second-class citizens, right?"

443. Okay, stop, men, women, people of all ethnicities,

444. genders, sexual orientation, religion,

445. can I please just get to my speech?

446. Fine.

447. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

448. Okay, here goes.

449. A Chinaman, a Pollock, and an Arab walk into a bar—

450. I love Arab jokes.

451. Ching-chong, bring it on.

452. You had me at "Pollock."

453. Good evening, my fellow Americans.

454. Every day our citizens improve the lives of those around them.

455. Today we honor Troy Morrison.

456. Now Troy was in geometry class

457. when his teacher mentioned the hypotenuse of a triangle.

458. Troy said, "I wish I was high on potenuse."

459. That really cracked me up,

460. and it cracked up the rest of America too,

461. so today I'm pleased to present Troy

462. with the Congressional Comedy Medal of Honor.

463. Troy, on behalf of the entire country,

464. I just want to thank you

465. for your fantastic, off-the-cuff line.

466. you are a true comedy hero.

467. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

468. And also, Mr. President, I have something for you.

469. What's that? Oh! He got me one.

470. Yes. These are sold out.

471. I haven't been able to get my hands on one of these.

472. Thanks, Troy. Oh, my God.

473. "High on pot-enuse."

474. We killed that last one.

475. Talkin' about ah, ah, ah!

476. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Come on, come on.

477. That's excessive. That's excessive.

478. - Good night, everybody. - Good night.

479. Oh, yeah.