1. - Roommate meeting.
Copy !req
2. Roommate meeting!
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3. - Gogo, what the hell?
I've got a hangover!
Copy !req
4. - I don't give a fuck
Copy !req
5. about your hangover,
okay, Brendan?
Copy !req
6. I want a roommate meeting,
and I want it now!
Ripped By mstoll
Copy !req
7. Okay.
Copy !req
8. Now, somebody's
been taking shit
Copy !req
9. out of the refrigerator
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10. and throwing it
on the ground,
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11. and it's pissing me off.
Copy !req
12. Is this another one
of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Copy !req
13. - No.
And your pranks are stupid.
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14. - Is it you, Monday?
- What?
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15. - I said,
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16. somebody's been taking shit
out of the fridge
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17. and throwing it
on the fucking ground.
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18. And I want to know who it is,
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19. because it's not funny!
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20. - Well, what I want to know is,
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21. who keeps pulling the sheets
off my bed
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22. and hanging them
from the ceiling fan at night?
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23. - Was that you, Monday?
- What?
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24. - Have you been taking
everybody's sheets off them
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25. in the night and hanging them
from the ceiling fans?
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26. - What? No.
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27. - Well, clearly,
someone's been doing that!
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28. - Whoa!
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29. Who did that?
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30. - Yeah!
Who the fuck just did that?
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31. - Which one of you
just threw that bottle?
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32. - What are we even talking about
right now?
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33. - Did you fucking throw
that bottle, Jonald?
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34. - No, Gogo!
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35. Fuck you!
I didn't throw it!
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36. - Well, did you fucking throw
that bottle, Brendan?
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37. - Yeah!
You would do that, Brendan.
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38. - Dude, no!
I didn't throw the bottle!
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39. - Well, somebody threw
that fucking bottle,
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40. and you're the one who drew
dicks on everyone's forehead!
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41. - Yeah, you did do that!
Copy !req
42. - But dicks are hilarious,
though!
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43. This is just destructive!
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44. What about you, Monday?
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45. Did you throw that bottle?
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46. - What bottle?
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47. - The fucking bottle, dude!
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48. It just smashed
against the wall,
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49. and you even said
some shit about it!
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50. - Well, I didn't throw
a bottle.
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51. - Well, obviously,
it wasn't Ping.
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52. He's got the best grades
in the house.
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53. - Good point, Ping.
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54. Come on, guys, let's cool it
with the profanity.
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55. You know Ping's very religious.
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56. - Ping!
- Ugh!
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57. - Come on!
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58. - Hello!
Thank you.
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59. - Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
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60. Um, I am Keegan-Michael Key.
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61. - Yes, I'm Jordan Peele.
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62. - And we are Key and Peele.
Thanks for coming out.
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63. Tomorrow is Halloween.
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64. - Yes.
- Yes, tomorrow is Halloween.
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65. - It's a Halloween episode.
- Halloween episode.
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66. What I don't understand
is monsters
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67. in horror movies now.
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68. Like, who wants
to fuck monsters?
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69. Apparently, everybody now.
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70. - It happened...
- Twlllght.
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71. Everyone's having sex
with vampires
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72. and werewolves and everybody.
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73. I mean, you know,
remember in the '30s?
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74. Nobody wanted to have sex
with Frankenstein.
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75. - No.
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76. - Square-ass head.
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77. Bolts coming out of his neck.
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78. - Frankenstein having sex,
well, he'd just...
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79. he could just throw his dick
at a bitch, just...
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80. Brothers and sisters.
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81. - Ah, tonight,
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82. the newest member
of our family
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83. will feast
for the first time.
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84. Ophelia,
bring the new blood.
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85. Ahh.
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86. Brother Tyrell.
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87. Welcome to the first night
of your new...
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88. And what are we wearing here?
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89. - W...
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90. uh, I-I'm just wearing
what I got bit in.
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91. - Mm-hmm.
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92. Okay.
Do you have anything black?
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93. Or, like, pants with laces
up the side of the leg...
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94. - Would be good,
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95. just so you can still see
the skin.
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96. - Uh, no.
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97. That's not my style,
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98. so I ain't got none of that in
my closet or nothing like that.
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99. - Okay.
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100. Anyway, we will tonight
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101. all feast!
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102. - Come on, man.
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103. - Excuse me?
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104. - I'm just saying,
y'all over here licking
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105. and... and hissing and whatnot.
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106. If we gonna eat, then let's eat.
Damn.
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107. - Y-yes.
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108. Of course,
we will all feed.
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109. - Yeah, that's enough.
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110. - Spread the meat.
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111. - Okay.
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112. Did any of that
actually get in your mouth?
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113. 'Cause, I mean, now...
shoot.
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114. No wonder y'all's hungry
all the time.
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115. See... uh-uh, uh-uh.
No, no, no, no.
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116. See, look, why y'all gotta hiss
when you flashing your fangs?
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117. You know you can make
your teeth come out
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118. without doing all that nonsense.
See?
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119. And can you two get a room?
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120. Seriously, y'all live
in a damn mansion.
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121. There gotta be some other place
you could do that shit.
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122. I mean, are you two
even lesbians?
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123. I just don't understand
why everything
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124. gotta be all sexual
and licky.
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125. Girl, seriously, man.
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126. You gotta get your hands
up off me before I fuck you up.
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127. Shit is nasty.
Creepy as fuck.
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128. Been touching my nipple
for 15 minutes.
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129. All this shit
y'all is doing up in here?
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130. This is just, like,
straight-up gratuitous.
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131. I got bit on purpose,
so I could live forever
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132. and see future cars.
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133. - Yeah, Cyrus,
these pants are uncomfortable.
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134. - And I actually
have a boyfriend.
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135. - And this song has been playing
for, like, two years,
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136. and it sucks.
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137. This just seems...
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138. desperate.
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139. - Okay, desperate?
Really, Tristan?
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140. - It's Christian.
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141. - Really?
- His name ain't even Tristan.
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142. - So do you all
feel this way?
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143. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
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144. - Kinda.
- Yeah.
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145. - Yeah.
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146. Wow.
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147. It's like you can't even get
good friends...
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148. No, you're not even...
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149. Okay, and you're leaving now.
That's...
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150. - I mean, you know what,
dog, seriously,
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151. like, you could fix
this place up.
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152. It'd be dope, though.
For real.
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153. Are cars gonna be able
to fly,
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154. or is everything going to be
on a magnetic track?
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155. I mean, that's what
I want to know.
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156. It's no big deal.
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157. - This O-negative
tastes like pennies.
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158. - Oh, I'm sorry about...
Hey, hey.
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159. Come on, now, nipple play
is for private time.
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160. - What if all of this life
we think we're living
Copy !req
161. is just a dream?
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162. And when we wake up...
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163. - This is such bullshit,
you guys.
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164. You guys know
what extras are?
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165. - They are...
they are the unsung heroes
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166. of the television
and the film industry.
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167. - It's true, it's true.
- Yes, because they're
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168. the people that stand
in the background.
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169. They don't have lines,
but they make up the world.
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170. - It's fun to us
when you see somebody
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171. maybe who's new
who doesn't get how to do it,
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172. which happens on our show.
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173. - There was one, our first...
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174. - This is
our favorite encounter...
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175. - This is our favorite encounter
that we've ever had.
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176. - With a guy, and we...
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177. To be fair, we didn't give him
an exact line.
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178. We said, all right,
say what you think
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179. would come out of your mouth.
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180. - Jordan's playing Obama.
Right.
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181. And this guy
was meeting Obama.
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182. It was like, "Action!"
And Jordan goes,
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183. "How you doing?
Nice to meet you, everybody.
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184. How you doing?
Nice to meet you."
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185. - He just got his...
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186. - Huge, masculine black dude,
by the way.
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187. - Big, big dude.
- It's actually...
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188. you can actually
look this up.
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189. It's the Obama ATM sketch.
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190. We actually slowed it down.
We're like, what is he saying?
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191. He's saying, "Hey, what's up,
Obama, baby?"
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192. Hey, man,
this your first time?
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193. - Oh, man.
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194. I been doing zombie extra work
on this show since...
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195. Day one, first season, man.
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196. - My first time.
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197. - Oh, it's your first time
on this show?
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198. - My first time
being extra at all.
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199. - Ever?
- I'm kind of nervous.
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200. - Oh, wow. Okay, man.
Hey, man, it's...
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201. It's all right.
But you'll be all right, man.
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202. It's okay, man.
It's not that hard, man.
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203. You'll be all right.
I'm...
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204. Me personally, dude,
I'm looking
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205. for that lunge bump, though.
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206. - What's...
what's a lunge bump?
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207. - Oh, that's, uh,
like, if you, um,
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208. you get featured
if you lunge at somebody,
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209. and then you get
a bump in your pay.
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210. And if you really lucky, man,
they blow your head off.
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211. That's straight bank
right there.
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212. - All right, extras.
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213. I'm the assistant director.
Gather round.
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214. - Jerry, hey, Jerry,
I had a thought, man,
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215. about the first scene
that y'all's doing...
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216. - Not now, Stan.
- Steve, it's Steve.
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217. - Okay.
- Okay.
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218. - I'm gonna need somebody
to lunge at the fence.
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219. - You think you can handle it?
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220. - Him?
- Uh, yeah.
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221. - It's his first day, though.
He kind of nervous, man.
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222. He kind of nervous.
It's his first day.
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223. - Okay, so the director's
gonna yell "action,"
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224. Mack's gonna come by,
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225. and then you're just gonna lunge
into the fence, like...
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226. Graaah!
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227. - Y-you want me to say
"Grah"?
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228. - Oh, this is...
- Say whatever.
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229. - This is crazy.
Okay, all right.
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230. Cool, man... hey, you know... hey.
That's cool. Hey.
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231. Hey, you know I got
a lot more experience, man.
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232. You can just use me.
I been here day one.
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233. First season, so...
Okay.
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234. Cool, all right, that's fine.
You gonna go with him.
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235. All right, good for you, man.
Good for you.
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236. - Grah? Grah?
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237. - Nah, don't...
You don't have to say "grah."
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238. Do whatever the hell
you want to do, man.
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239. - That's the lunge bump?
- That is the lunge bump, man.
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240. You got it, you got it
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241. on your first day
ever being an extra.
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242. Ever.
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243. You got it, man.
Good for you.
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244. - And action.
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245. Aah!
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246. What's up, Obama, my baby?
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247. - What the hell was that?
Cut.
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248. - Oh, man, I would be
more than happy to fill in, man.
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249. I'd be more than happy
to step in.
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250. - Mack, just remember
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251. when you're coming
through the factory that, like,
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252. your mind is still
on the car accident, all right?
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253. - Y'all gotta pick people
based on qualifications, man.
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254. - Okay.
It's a good note, good note.
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255. But maybe what I was doing
sort of superseded that.
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256. - Agreed.
Yeah, we were just...
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257. - Yep.
- Discussing that.
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258. Absolutely, it supersedes it,
yeah.
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259. But let's do one
that just cedes it, okay?
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260. Just same level.
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261. We're going again
straightaway, okay?
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262. - Wow, okay.
- Right away, reset.
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263. - He's not doing
a good job at it.
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264. You're doing great,
though, man.
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265. Opportunity knocks,
you gotta answer the door, man.
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266. - And action.
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267. Me-me-me-me, me-me, me-me-me-me!
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268. - Cut.
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269. - I'd be more than happy
to step in
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270. at any time
you want me to.
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271. I'd be more than happy
to do it.
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272. - Just a certain sense
of urgency
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273. is all we're looking for.
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274. Clock's ticking, you got
survivors to find, right?
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275. - Can I tell y'all something
for a second?
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276. This dude right here is not
doing what a zombie does.
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277. This dude was literally
on our last take
Copy !req
278. waving his hand up in the air
like this, Jerry,
Copy !req
279. making Beaker sounds.
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280. He sounded like Beaker
from The Muppets, y'all.
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281. - Thank you, that's great.
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282. Just a ticking clock on this
is all we're looking for,
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283. because there are survivors,
is what we're after.
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284. - Okay,
but I felt ambivalence in there.
Copy !req
285. - The ambivalence is art.
It's gorgeous, and we love it.
Copy !req
286. But there are zombies, so if we
could just pick up the pace,
Copy !req
287. just a hair, that'd be great.
- Little bit.
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288. - Straightaway please,
right away.
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289. - But, Jerry, we're not doing
Nlght of the Llvlng Muppets,
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290. are we?
- We are not.
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291. - 'Cause Beaker is not a zombie.
- Do you have any notes?
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292. - Yeah, don't be
fucking Beaker.
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293. - Quiet, please.
- Action.
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294. I'm gonna eat your brain!
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295. Zombie.
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296. - Cut.
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297. - No!
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298. He actually just said
the word "zombie"!
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299. Come on, man!
Copy !req
300. You ever hear a zombie
say the word "zombie" before?
Copy !req
301. No, you haven't.
I don't think so.
Copy !req
302. - You know what?
Get rid of this guy.
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303. - Thank you!
That's what I'm talking about.
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304. Dude, I'm sorry, dog,
but you terrible at this, man.
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305. - Him.
- Hey, man, no.
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306. He talking about him.
He's talking about him,
Copy !req
307. 'cause he said "zombie."
- Thank you, Steve.
Copy !req
308. - Because...
No, you want me to leave?
Copy !req
309. Hey, man, I been up here
staggering around here
Copy !req
310. for 31/2 years,
Copy !req
311. and I been startling extras
left and right.
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312. When do I get
to startle the lead, huh?
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313. - One more for safety.
Straightaway, here we go.
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314. - Going again.
- Still rolling.
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315. Action.
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316. - Hey, what do we do
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317. if we have to go
to the bathroom?
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318. - We like it?
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319. - I love it. Genius. Moving on.
- I got it.
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320. - I was in...
I was in first class once.
Copy !req
321. You ever fly first class?
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322. They give you that hot towel.
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323. - And when you're sitting
next to a person who, like...
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324. it's your first time
in first class,
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325. and you're sitting
next to a person
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326. who knows
how to use the towel.
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327. The person that,
you know...
Copy !req
328. he's using his towel.
Copy !req
329. You're just out there
talking about...
Copy !req
330. - I wouldn't...
I wouldn't...
Copy !req
331. No, don't, don't,
don't, don't, don't.
Copy !req
332. You don't want to do that.
Copy !req
333. - You will be in room 237.
Copy !req
334. And you have
free Wi-Fi there.
Copy !req
335. Also, from 6:00 a.m.
To 10:00 a.m. Every morning,
Copy !req
336. there's a free
continental breakfast.
Copy !req
337. - Hmm.
Copy !req
338. Continental breakfast.
Copy !req
339. - Yes, from 6:00 a.m.
To 10:00 a.m.
Copy !req
340. - So it's continental, then.
Copy !req
341. - Mm-hmm, yep.
Copy !req
342. - Very good.
Copy !req
343. Garçon.
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344. One admission
for the continental breakfast.
Copy !req
345. - You can just
help yourself, sir.
Copy !req
346. - Hmm, interesting.
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347. European style.
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348. Mm.
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349. Ahh.
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350. When in Rome...
Copy !req
351. Hmm, the forbidden fruit.
Copy !req
352. Well, aren't you
a tiny plum?
Copy !req
353. Well, la-di-da.
Copy !req
354. Paper and everything.
Copy !req
355. And who are you,
Copy !req
356. my little friend?
Copy !req
357. Not a spoon,
not a fork,
Copy !req
358. but something in between.
Copy !req
359. A "fpoon."
Copy !req
360. What will you think of next,
Germany?
Copy !req
361. Ahh.
Copy !req
362. All the "Euro-pine" countries
lay before me.
Copy !req
363. Where should I fly to first?
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364. Ahh.
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365. The pit of the doughnut.
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366. Mm, thank you, Turkey.
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367. Mm, buckle up.
Copy !req
368. Let's see
where we shall go next.
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369. Ah, the Danish!
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370. Clearly from Brussels.
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371. Mmm.
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372. Mmm, mmm!
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373. Mmm!
Copy !req
374. Hello, Greece,
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375. where the yogurt flows
like water.
Copy !req
376. Mmm, yes,
Copy !req
377. like Go-GURT,
but to stay.
Copy !req
378. Mmm.
Copy !req
379. Mmm, so good!
Copy !req
380. Mmm, pulling into Spain.
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381. Mm!
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382. Baked to perfection.
Copy !req
383. Can you believe this?
Copy !req
384. It all comes with the room!
Copy !req
385. Mmm!
Copy !req
386. Mmm, mmm!
Copy !req
387. Yes!
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388. Mmm!
Copy !req
389. I love being incontinent!
Copy !req
390. I love
being incontinent!
Copy !req
391. A delight to the senses,
Copy !req
392. isn't it, my friend?
Copy !req
393. Isn't it? Yes!
Copy !req
394. I'll have
what I'm having!
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395. I'll have...
Copy !req
396. what I'm having!
Copy !req
397. So good.
Copy !req
398. It's so good.
Copy !req
399. - Oh, good afternoon, sir.
How can I help you?
Copy !req
400. - Well, Davis,
Copy !req
401. I will be staying
indefinitely.
Copy !req
402. - But, sir, don't you know
that you've always been here?
Copy !req
403. - Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
404. - Continental breakfast?
Copy !req
405. - Right around the corner.
Copy !req
406. - You guys know that guy
that always says,
Copy !req
407. "Hey, man, everything happen
for a reason"?
Copy !req
408. Ever... you know,
the guy who says,
Copy !req
409. "Everything happen
for a reason,"
Copy !req
410. doesn't have
a fucking job.
Copy !req
411. You ever notice that?
Copy !req
412. - I think I know the reason
for that.
Copy !req
413. 'Cause your ass...
Copy !req
414. you showed up late,
talking about,
Copy !req
415. "Everything happen
for a reason."
Copy !req
416. - Could be worse.
Copy !req
417. - Not that bad.
Copy !req
418. - For me,
it's all about perspective.
Copy !req
419. - It's what you make
of it.
Copy !req
420. - Look, can I tell you
something?
Copy !req
421. All things considered,
Copy !req
422. I'm actually kind of comfortable
right now.
Copy !req
423. Thank God for shock.
Copy !req
424. - I can be the kind of prisoner
I want to be.
Copy !req
425. - We're still alive.
- Thank you. Right?
Copy !req
426. - Mm-hmm.
- Just two injured buddies.
Copy !req
427. - Yes, yeah, mm-hmm.
Copy !req
428. - Having a friendly convo
while we're waiting
Copy !req
429. to get tortured again.
Copy !req
430. - And, you know,
there's a kind of a positive
Copy !req
431. in having no options...
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432. - Yes.
- Because, you know,
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433. we're not even gonna try
to escape
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434. 'cause we know we'd fail.
- Yes.
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435. Tell you another thing.
Don't miss the arm.
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436. - Really?
- First of all, lefty.
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437. Okay? So this thing
pretty much got in the way.
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438. - Ha.
- Keep it, buddy!
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439. - You fools,
blathering away!
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440. Your suffering
has only just begun.
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441. - Wow.
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442. That is a perfect summation
of the human condition.
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443. And once you've embraced that,
you can do anything.
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444. - Bingo.
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445. No one has ever suffered
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446. as you will!
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447. - You love your work,
Copy !req
448. and that kind
of a positive attitude,
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449. quite frankly,
it's contagious.
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450. - It is.
Copy !req
451. - Well, we'll see
how positive you're feeling
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452. after I cover your body
in gasoline
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453. and set you on fire!
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454. - You know what, it's amazing
that you would say that,
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455. 'cause I was just thinking it's
getting a little chilly in here.
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456. - Mm-hmm.
- Thanks so much, man.
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457. - Damn it!
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458. - What a dramatic
and fascinating man.
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459. - I think
we owe him big-time.
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460. - As do I.
- Really.
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461. I mean, all this time
away from my computer,
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462. my phone, my work,
it's just...
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463. I feel unplugged.
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464. - Yes, yes. Oh.
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465. - Oh.
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466. Aww.
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467. - Circle of life.
- Nants Ingonyama.
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468. - You know, I can't really feel
anything anyway,
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469. so you help yourself, buddy.
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470. - Oh, what do you got there?
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471. - Do you see this?
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472. This is what I'm going to use
to cut off your legs!
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473. - Finally!
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474. - That's a great saw.
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475. I'm a home improvement guy,
and I know my saws,
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476. and I gotta tell you,
if you're cutting off legs,
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477. that is the way to go.
- That's the one?
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478. - That is definitely the one.
Good on ya.
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479. - Why are you doing this to me?
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480. You're making me crazy!
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481. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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482. Somebody needs a day off.
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483. - We, of all people,
should know how hard he works.
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484. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
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485. Make them stop!
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486. This is torture!
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487. No!
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488. - Jordan, say good-bye
to the people.
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489. Mm...
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490. bye-bye, Obama, baby.
Copy !req
491. - Good night, everybody.
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492. Happy Halloween!
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493. Happy Halloween!
Copy !req
494. - Oh, yeah.
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495. - This guy came
to the therapist, and he said,
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496. "My wife has been cheating
on me, and I don't know...
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497. My marriage is falling apart.
What am I gonna do?"
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498. Therapist talking about, "Hey.
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499. It's just one more thread
in the rich tapestry of life."
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500. - Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Ripped By mstoll
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