1. I am here
with Ozamataz Buckshank,Copy !req
2. the rookie
out of Stanford UniversityCopy !req
3. who is undoubtedly the MVP
of today's gameCopy !req
4. with an interception that
he runs back for a touchdownCopy !req
5. in the last 30 seconds
of the contest.Copy !req
6. Ozamataz, can you walk us
through what happenedCopy !req
7. in that last play?Copy !req
8. - It was amazing.
- Yeah, we knew we had to goCopy !req
9. out there, give 100%,
and we executed.Copy !req
10. It just went our way today.Copy !req
11. And was the quarterback
giving youCopy !req
12. any clues today, Oz?Copy !req
13. It looked like you knew
that ball was gonna be there.Copy !req
14. What was happening?Copy !req
15. We wanted to have some fun,
you know, execute.Copy !req
16. Play one quarter at a time,
give 100%.Copy !req
17. Oh... okay, okay.
You know, let's just...Copy !req
18. Let's talk
about last week's game.Copy !req
19. You guys lost a heartbreaker.Copy !req
20. Give me your state of mind,
then versus now.Copy !req
21. We wanted
to do it play by play,Copy !req
22. give it 100%,
execution-wise.Copy !req
23. - Execute.
- Okay.Copy !req
24. I'm gonna ask you something
completely differentCopy !req
25. that's not about football.Copy !req
26. Look at me, Oz.Copy !req
27. just look at me for a second.Copy !req
28. I'm gonna ask you a question
right here.Copy !req
29. That a boy.
So you and your wifeCopy !req
30. recently had...
right here.Copy !req
31. Stay with me.Copy !req
32. You and your wife
recently had twins, okay?Copy !req
33. How does it feel
to be a new dad?Copy !req
34. You know, we wanted to stay
As a team, execute,Copy !req
35. give 100%,
play by play.Copy !req
36. Okay, you know what,
I'm gonna just... I'm just gonna...Copy !req
37. I'm gonna do a little test
right now.Copy !req
38. Hey, Oz, how'd you get
to the game today?Copy !req
39. They a good team,
great team, 100%.Copy !req
40. And what'd you have
for dinner last night?Copy !req
41. - 100%.
- 100%. Yeah, you did.Copy !req
42. Of course.
100% of whatever 100% was.Copy !req
43. You know what,
can you just do me a favorCopy !req
44. and tell me
one specific thing?Copy !req
45. Like, just one actual, original
observation that you hadCopy !req
46. about today's game?Copy !req
47. The game that you won
almost single-handedly.Copy !req
48. Do you think
that you could do that, Oz?Copy !req
49. - Oh, 100%.
- Oh, God damn it!Copy !req
50. Subs created by David Coleman.Copy !req
51. - Hey.
- All right.Copy !req
52. Thank you.Copy !req
53. - All right.
- Thank you, everybody, so much.Copy !req
54. Thank you, thank you.
Welcome.Copy !req
55. - I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.Copy !req
56. And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
57. Thank you.Copy !req
58. You guys know when Superman
and BatmanCopy !req
59. meet in comic books
and TV shows?Copy !req
60. You know... if you're
a comic book fan. Yeah.Copy !req
61. They always meet,
and it's like they're equals.Copy !req
62. Yeah.
They're not equals.Copy !req
63. They're not equals.
No.Copy !req
64. They're, like,
if they're on a stakeout,Copy !req
65. like, what's Batman
supposed to do?Copy !req
66. There are the bad guys.Copy !req
67. I'll use my utility belt
Freeze...Copy !req
68. Got 'em.Copy !req
69. Okay.Copy !req
70. I'm gonna give you a tour
of Gotham.Copy !req
71. Please.
Of Gotham?Copy !req
72. - Yes.
- The city?Copy !req
73. Yeah, I was gonna get
in my Batwing...Copy !req
74. - Cool.
- and you and I could travelCopy !req
75. around,
fly through the sky.Copy !req
76. Oh, we don't need that.Copy !req
77. Just, what, you want
to climb on top?Copy !req
78. Come on.Copy !req
79. Get up on it.Copy !req
80. Jump up on it.Copy !req
81. Come on.
There you go.Copy !req
82. Is that...
Is that your utility beltCopy !req
83. I'm feeling?Copy !req
84. Hello, Skymall Magazine,Copy !req
85. this is Riyaz speaking.Copy !req
86. Hello, Riyaz.
I would like to reportCopy !req
87. an item which I ordered
that arrived broken.Copy !req
88. Wendell Sanders,
Mockingbird Lane.Copy !req
89. That's right.Copy !req
90. I am showing the last item
that you receivedCopy !req
91. is the Superman bed
with the Mattress of Solitude.Copy !req
92. That's the one.Copy !req
93. Ordered it for my son
for his birthday,Copy !req
94. but I cannot give it to him
like this.Copy !req
95. And I'm pretty darn-tootin'
pissed about it.Copy !req
96. I'm really sorry, sir.Copy !req
97. I will start processing
your reorder right nowCopy !req
98. with you on the line, okay?Copy !req
99. I ain't mad at you, Riyaz.Copy !req
100. It's just the system.
I know.Copy !req
101. Okay. Thank you
for understanding, sir.Copy !req
102. Kids, eh?Copy !req
103. Huh?Copy !req
104. Oh, ki... well, yeah,
I just got the one myself.Copy !req
105. Had sex with a woman
and everything to get him.Copy !req
106. How long is this gonna...Copy !req
107. What is your son's name?Copy !req
108. Oh, um...Copy !req
109. Stimpy.Copy !req
110. Pretty much Stimpy.Copy !req
111. I have boys too.Copy !req
112. I'll tell you,
sometimes they can beCopy !req
113. a real couple
of you know whats.Copy !req
114. ?Copy !req
115. You're preaching
to the choir, Riyaz.Copy !req
116. Stimpy, don't you give me
that look.Copy !req
117. You're gonna get it
when your mama comes home.Copy !req
118. Oh, my,
sounds like your wife is...Copy !req
119. Bitch on wheels.
You got that straight, Riyaz.Copy !req
120. Hot little biscuit, though.Copy !req
121. Name's Claire.Copy !req
122. ten,
ten.Copy !req
123. So pretty much hit that
every night.Copy !req
124. Sexually.Copy !req
125. Anyway,
what's holding up the...Copy !req
126. Oh, one moment.Copy !req
127. And how old is your son?Copy !req
128. - 15.
- 15?Copy !req
129. And he still wants
a Superman bed.Copy !req
130. Ah, a late-bloomer.Copy !req
131. Enjoy it
while you still can.Copy !req
132. He'll grow out of the toys
any day now.Copy !req
133. They all do,
and, the secondCopy !req
134. he starts hooking up
with the girls,Copy !req
135. he'll forget all about that
Superman and Spider-Man stuff.Copy !req
136. Pretty much seems
like how it would happen.Copy !req
137. Maybe then
he'll stop bothering meCopy !req
138. with all those stupid, little
facts about how those charactersCopy !req
139. you just named are clearly
from two distinctCopy !req
140. and separate universes.Copy !req
141. Sadly, some people
never move on.Copy !req
142. Sad?
I got a better word for you.Copy !req
143. Pathetic.Copy !req
144. Well,
I wouldn't say pathetic.Copy !req
145. Hey, I calls 'em
likes I sees 'em, Riyaz,Copy !req
146. and I don'st tolerate nerds.Copy !req
147. In fact, let me nip this
in the bud real quick.Copy !req
148. Stimpy, Stimpy,
get back in here.Copy !req
149. - Well, I didn't mean to...
- There you areCopy !req
150. with your round body
and your creepy-ass face.Copy !req
151. No more sweets for you, 'cause
you're never gonna get laidCopy !req
152. if you keeps eating sweets!Copy !req
153. And another thing!Copy !req
154. All these figurines and toys
you got around the house,Copy !req
155. we're throwing 'em
in the trash,Copy !req
156. 'cause they're not real people,
Stimpy.Copy !req
157. They're not real people,
so stop being so lonely.Copy !req
158. Stop being so lonely.Copy !req
159. Well... and this is none
of my business, of course,Copy !req
160. but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.Copy !req
161. Oh,Copy !req
162. Stimpy just jumped
out the window.Copy !req
163. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, he killed himself.Copy !req
164. Why'd he do it?
It must have been my fault.Copy !req
165. No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.Copy !req
166. I'm gonna call the cops.Copy !req
167. Don't you dare cancel
that reorder.Copy !req
168. It's the only thing
I'll have to remember him by.Copy !req
169. Hey, you remember
the anti-drug advertisements?Copy !req
170. - Yes.
- This is my favoriteCopy !req
171. anti-drug ad.Copy !req
172. My favorite anti-drug ad was...Copy !req
173. "What is this?Copy !req
174. What is this, son?"Copy !req
175. You know.
"Found this in your room.Copy !req
176. "Marijuana!Copy !req
177. "Who taught you to do this?"Copy !req
178. "I learned it
from watching you, dad!"Copy !req
179. If you're 14 and you see that,
where I'm from,Copy !req
180. You go, "That's the coolest dad
in the world."Copy !req
181. That's the coolest dad.Copy !req
182. Nobody likes you, you girl.Copy !req
183. Well, you're a different color
than me,Copy !req
184. and that's bad.Copy !req
185. Oh, yeah?
Well, you dress like...Copy !req
186. Now hold on a second!Copy !req
187. Whoa! Mr. T?Copy !req
188. Never make fun
of a way a man dresses.Copy !req
189. The way a man dresses
is his business.Copy !req
190. Remember that.Copy !req
191. Whether it's overalls,
chains,Copy !req
192. or feather earrings,
however they dress,Copy !req
193. it's not to be joked about.Copy !req
194. I pity the fool that judges
another man's clothing.Copy !req
195. I'm sorry
I judged your clothing.Copy !req
196. It's okay.Copy !req
197. Hey, Scout, there's a man
over thereCopy !req
198. who said he'll give us candy
if we get in his van.Copy !req
199. Oh, I don't know
If that's a good idea, Timmy.Copy !req
200. What are you afraid of?Copy !req
201. Is it because you have
a stupid name like Scout?Copy !req
202. - Hey!
- Whoa! Mr. T again.Copy !req
203. Never make fun
of a person's name.Copy !req
204. Your mama gave you
that name,Copy !req
205. or you made it up
for business purposes.Copy !req
206. Either way, it's personal.Copy !req
207. I pity the fool that make fun
of another man's name.Copy !req
208. Mr. T's a cool name.
It's a cool name, Mr. T.Copy !req
209. Hey, Scout,
want to do some drugs?Copy !req
210. Aren't drugs bad?Copy !req
211. I don't know.Copy !req
212. If you're afraid of drugs,Copy !req
213. we could drink
a bunch of alcohol.Copy !req
214. Yum, that sounds good.Copy !req
215. Well, guess what,
your hair is stupid.Copy !req
216. Never make fun
of another person's hair!Copy !req
217. - Hey, Mr. T.
- A person's hairCopy !req
218. is the artwork that they present
to the heavens.Copy !req
219. It's just like
I've been saying...Copy !req
220. And, for your information,
it's not even a haircut.Copy !req
221. It's a rare form
of male pattern baldness.Copy !req
222. You fools!Copy !req
223. For real.Copy !req
224. - What's up?
- Last night on Showtimes,Copy !req
225. I saw some Lethal Weapon 2.Copy !req
226. Lethal Weapon 2 starring
the racist-ass Melly Gibsons?Copy !req
227. I know, I know, but I got
to tell you right up frontCopy !req
228. and truthfully,Copy !req
229. racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still kind of my.Copy !req
230. He's still my, dog.Copy !req
231. I don't know, dog,
racist-ass Melly Gibsons?Copy !req
232. Dude, I know, I know,
but think about it, man.Copy !req
233. Think about it.
remember when he jacked upCopy !req
234. all them mutants
into Road Warriors?Copy !req
235. Talkin' about...Copy !req
236. Bitch was like, "There's
nothing in here but sand."Copy !req
237. - Yeah.
- And then rememberCopy !req
238. when he had taken that hatchet
and chopped upCopy !req
239. all them Englands, remember,
in The Patriot?Copy !req
240. And did it in front
of all his kids.Copy !req
241. You know what,
though?Copy !req
242. Racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still my too.Copy !req
243. - Dog.
- Remember when racist-assCopy !req
244. Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group
in Bravehearts?Copy !req
245. - Oh, my God, dogs.
- They was chopping offCopy !req
246. my man's head.Copy !req
247. My man was still talking
about...Copy !req
248. freedom!Copy !req
249. Or what about
Conspiracy Theories, though?Copy !req
250. - What? Oh, come on, man.
- What theCopy !req
251. about Conspiracy Theories,
though?Copy !req
252. What the about
Conspiracy Theories, though?Copy !req
253. What is going on?Copy !req
254. - Come on.
- You know racist-assCopy !req
255. - Melly Gibsons be directing too.
- Hells, yeah.Copy !req
256. - What about Apocalypto?
- yo, racist-ass Melly GibsonsCopy !req
257. be telling the story
of a bunch of crazy-ass,Copy !req
258. old-fashioned Mexicans?Copy !req
259. who have been in the jungleCopy !req
260. getting chased by a panther.Copy !req
261. - Yeah, yeah.
- My man's straight up going...Copy !req
262. Man, and what about that
Passions of the Christ, though?Copy !req
263. Passions of the Christ,
though.Copy !req
264. Passions of the Christ.Copy !req
265. Passions of the Christ
where racist-assCopy !req
266. Melly Gibsons made that movie
about JesusCopy !req
267. in a kind of racist-ass way?Copy !req
268. - That was my jam.
- And you knowCopy !req
269. what I just realized,
though?Copy !req
270. What's that, dog?
What's that?Copy !req
271. You know what would be
my?Copy !req
272. What would be your,
though?Copy !req
273. If racist-ass Melly GibsonsCopy !req
274. costarred in a movie
with Jesus.Copy !req
275. Wait, now you talking
about the savior of all?Copy !req
276. The King of all Kings?
The Alpha and the Omega?Copy !req
277. And Jesus.Copy !req
278. That would be my...Copy !req
279. For this segment,
we're not gonna haveCopy !req
280. a big, huge preamble here.Copy !req
281. I just simply want
to say that this scene,Copy !req
282. this offering if you will,Copy !req
283. is for the ladies.Copy !req
284. - What up, homies?
- Welcome to...Copy !req
285. - Cunnilingus class.
- I'm Shaboots Michaels.Copy !req
286. I'm T-Ray Tombstone.Copy !req
287. And we're here to teach y'all
how to...Copy !req
288. go down on bitches right.Copy !req
289. Now bitches ain't being
satisfied, so check it.Copy !req
290. Quit sucking
on that so damn hard.Copy !req
291. Bitches don't like
that nonsense.Copy !req
292. That's like putting the tipCopy !req
293. of your penis
in the vacuum.Copy !req
294. - Y'all need to...
- chill on the.Copy !req
295. - Go around that business.
- That's like a buttonCopy !req
296. made of a million penis tops.Copy !req
297. Now every bitch
like her cunnilingusCopy !req
298. - a little bit different.
- Vaginas are like snowflakes.Copy !req
299. Snowflakes is different.
Learn your bitch's snowflake.Copy !req
300. Ask your bitch
what she wants.Copy !req
301. Then do what she says.Copy !req
302. Some bitches like it
in circles.Copy !req
303. Some bitches
like it up and down.Copy !req
304. Some bitches like it hard.Copy !req
305. Some bitches like it soft.Copy !req
306. Communicate
with your bitches.Copy !req
307. Make the alphabet
with your tongue.Copy !req
308. A-B-C-D...Copy !req
309. And when she grab your hairCopy !req
310. like she gonna pull
your damn head off...Copy !req
311. stay with that letter.Copy !req
312. I'm talking about B...Copy !req
313. or D...Copy !req
314. Vaginas deserve respect.Copy !req
315. You don't want someone
slapping aroundCopy !req
316. your little homey.Copy !req
317. - You with the hat.
- Yo.Copy !req
318. How you like your BJs?Copy !req
319. Damn, dog,
all the time.Copy !req
320. Shut the up!Copy !req
321. That's 'cause penises is easy,Copy !req
322. and vaginas is hard.Copy !req
323. - They're...
- confusing!Copy !req
324. Imagine there's an explosion
at the envelope factory.Copy !req
325. Flaps everywhere.
A world of flaps.Copy !req
326. And you need to lick your way
out the factory.Copy !req
327. But every bitch's flaps
is different.Copy !req
328. Learn your bitch's
particular flaps.Copy !req
329. - Flaps be...
- crazy!Copy !req
330. Every flap
need to be listened to.Copy !req
331. And then you will get out
of that factory alive.Copy !req
332. Stay down there.Copy !req
333. Plan your breathing
like your swimming.Copy !req
334. - You gotta be talking about...
- stroke, stroke, breathe.Copy !req
335. Stroke, stroke, breathe.Copy !req
336. All right.
Let's take a five-minute break.Copy !req
337. And when we come back,
we gonna talkCopy !req
338. about warming your bitches up
before you get busy.Copy !req
339. And how to last
for more than two damn minutes.Copy !req
340. Take a peach and practice.Copy !req
341. - Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.Copy !req
342. - Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.Copy !req
343. - Practice on a peach.Copy !req
344. Well, I think
it's gonna work.Copy !req
345. 30 down,
3 billion to go.Copy !req
346. Welcome to Metta World News.Copy !req
347. Our top story...
ninja costumes don't comeCopy !req
348. in size triple-X,
which is discriminatoryCopy !req
349. against enormous assassins.Copy !req
350. Do you know what?
Forget about the teleprompter.Copy !req
351. I need to speak
from the heart.Copy !req
352. Well, that wraps up
Metta World NewsCopy !req
353. for this Wednesday,
May Staple Gun Hairbrush.Copy !req
354. I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.Copy !req
355. I made this mistake
in the past.Copy !req
356. If there's any question whether
a woman's pregnant or not,Copy !req
357. just don't say
about it.Copy !req
358. This is what happened to me.
Just be the woman.Copy !req
359. Hey, Jordan.Copy !req
360. I said,
"Oh, congratulations."Copy !req
361. Congratulations for what?Copy !req
362. Hoo-hoo.Copy !req
363. And now I'm at the point where,
I don't careCopy !req
364. how many signals I get,Copy !req
365. I just won't even say anything.Copy !req
366. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm with you.Copy !req
367. - It's contractions now.
- Yeah, I got some gas myself.Copy !req
368. - Oh, God.
- I'm gonna sit down with you.Copy !req
369. - Oh!
- I'm gonna sit down with you.Copy !req
370. Me and you are...Copy !req
371. Oh, that is...Copy !req
372. Looks like,
but I can't be sure...Copy !req
373. I can't be sure.Copy !req
374. Mwah.Copy !req
375. Okay, that's clearly a child.Copy !req
376. Congratulations
on your pregnancy.Copy !req
377. - I'm not pregnant. What the...
- What the...Copy !req
378. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
379. All right.Copy !req
380. All right, how's everybody...
How's everybody doing?Copy !req
381. All right,
and you guysCopy !req
382. - can all hear me okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
383. I know this guy
can right here.Copy !req
384. Boy, this guy's ears
are so big,Copy !req
385. He's laughing at jokes
from the Yuk-Yuk ClubCopy !req
386. all the way
on the other side of town.Copy !req
387. All right.Copy !req
388. And you, sir,
you're doing okay?Copy !req
389. And you're getting enough
to eat?Copy !req
390. Is that even possible?Copy !req
391. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
392. Folks, I'm sorry,Copy !req
393. I'm gonna get everybody tonight.Copy !req
394. Nobody is safe.
I'm getting everybody.Copy !req
395. Except for you, sir.
I'm gonna leave you alone.Copy !req
396. Just like your date did tonight.
Hello!Copy !req
397. Huh?
All right.Copy !req
398. Okay, who's next?Copy !req
399. Who is next?Copy !req
400. Hey, ma'am, I get it,
you have breasts, okay?Copy !req
401. Jeez, I mean,
look at this chick over here.Copy !req
402. Her cleavage is giving
the Grand CanyonCopy !req
403. an inferiority complex.Copy !req
404. You skipped me.Copy !req
405. Who's talking right now?Copy !req
406. Do me.Copy !req
407. Yeah, hey, man.Copy !req
408. Look at that pink shirt
you got on there.Copy !req
409. Wow, where'd you get that?
Queertshirts.com?Copy !req
410. It's in support
Of breast cancer awareness.Copy !req
411. I am gay, though.Copy !req
412. Okay.Copy !req
413. Go for it.Copy !req
414. I can take it.Copy !req
415. Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
416. No, hey, yeah, don't you worry
about that, man.Copy !req
417. Gloves are coming off.Copy !req
418. Okay.Copy !req
419. Right there, right there, what's
with the three drinks, man?Copy !req
420. Alcoholic much?Copy !req
421. This
is my pain medication.Copy !req
422. Of course it is.Copy !req
423. It's your pain medication.Copy !req
424. 'cause he is in pain.Copy !req
425. Right now.Copy !req
426. Make fun of the burns.Copy !req
427. Make fun of the...
What did you say?Copy !req
428. Because here's the problem, sir,
is it's really dark in here,Copy !req
429. and, sorry, are you burned?
Because I can't make it out.Copy !req
430. Thanks so much, ma'am,
for illuminating him.Copy !req
431. Thank you.
That's... I appreciate that.Copy !req
432. - Oh, those burns.
- Make fun of the robot voice.Copy !req
433. Sir, I don't know.Copy !req
434. Come on,
I can take it.Copy !req
435. Okay, well, no,
You know what?Copy !req
436. - I feel...
- Or the wheelchair.Copy !req
437. Look, sir,
there is nothing funnyCopy !req
438. about you being
in a wheelchair,Copy !req
439. - and we can all...
- Oh, but there is somethingCopy !req
440. funny about me being fat?Copy !req
441. - All right.
All right, fine.Copy !req
442. Fine. I've got it.
I've got it.Copy !req
443. I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.Copy !req
444. I just didn't want to go
after this guyCopy !req
445. 'cause I didn't want him
to kill me in my dreams.Copy !req
446. Like Freddy Krueger.Copy !req
447. Come on.Copy !req
448. 'cause... no?Copy !req
449. You know, 'cause how Freddy
Krueger's face is burned off.Copy !req
450. That's not...Copy !req
451. - You ass.
- He said he could take it.Copy !req
452. That's what he said.Copy !req
453. I thought I could,
but I can't.Copy !req
454. How is this on me?Copy !req
455. How do we even know
if he's crying right now?Copy !req
456. I don't know that sound.Copy !req
457. It just sounds
like an electronic sound.Copy !req
458. The tears,
they burn.Copy !req
459. He said he could take it.
He s...Copy !req
460. Fellows, gentlemen,
it's time for you to go homeCopy !req
461. and practice on a peach.Copy !req
462. Take a peach and practice.Copy !req
463. Take a peach
and practice.Copy !req
464. - There you go.
- There's a peach for you.Copy !req
465. - Take a peach and practice.
- Peach.Copy !req
466. - Peach.
- Got one? Got one?Copy !req
467. Oh, yeah.Copy !req