1. - I am here
with Ozamataz Buckshank,Copy !req
2. the rookie
out of Stanford University,Copy !req
3. who is undoubtedly the MVP
of today's gameCopy !req
4. with an interception that
he runs back for a touchdownCopy !req
5. in the last 30 seconds
of the contest.Copy !req
6. Ozamataz, can you walk us
through what happened
Ripped By mstollCopy !req
7. on that last play?Copy !req
8. It was amazing.
- Yeah, we knew we had to goCopy !req
9. out there, give 100%,
and we executed.Copy !req
10. It just went our way today.Copy !req
11. - And was the quarterback
giving youCopy !req
12. any clues today, Oz?Copy !req
13. It looked like you knew
that ball was gonna be there.Copy !req
14. What was happening?Copy !req
15. - Knew we wanted
to have some fun,Copy !req
16. you know, execute.Copy !req
17. Play one quarter at a time,
give 100%, 100%.Copy !req
18. - Oh, okay, okay.
You know, let's just...Copy !req
19. let's talk
about last week's game.Copy !req
20. You guys lost a heartbreaker.Copy !req
21. Give me your state of mind,
then versus now.Copy !req
22. - Wanted to do it play by play,
give it 100%, execution-wise.Copy !req
23. Execute.
- Okay.Copy !req
24. I'm gonna ask you something
completely differentCopy !req
25. that's not about football.Copy !req
26. Look at me, Oz.
Just look at me for a second.Copy !req
27. I'm gonna ask you a question
right here. That a boy.Copy !req
28. So you and your wife
recently had...Copy !req
29. Right here.
Stay with me.Copy !req
30. You and your wife
recently had twins, okay?Copy !req
31. How does it feel
to be a new dad?Copy !req
32. - You know, we wanted to stay
as a team, execute,Copy !req
33. give 100%, play by play.Copy !req
34. - Okay, you know what,
I'm gonna just... I'm just gonna...Copy !req
35. I'm gonna do a little test
right now.Copy !req
36. Hey, Oz, how'd you get
to the game today?Copy !req
37. - They a good team,
great team, 100%.Copy !req
38. - And what'd you have
for dinner last night?Copy !req
39. - 100% of 100%.
- 100%. Yeah, you did.Copy !req
40. Of course.
100% of whatever 100% was.Copy !req
41. You know what,
can you just do me a favorCopy !req
42. and tell me
one specific thing?Copy !req
43. Like, just one actual, original
observation that you hadCopy !req
44. about today's game?Copy !req
45. The game that you won
almost single-handedly.Copy !req
46. Do you think
that you could do that, Oz?Copy !req
47. - Oh, 100%.
- Oh, God damn it!Copy !req
48. Hey.Copy !req
49. Aah!Copy !req
50. Thank you.Copy !req
51. - All right.
- Thank you, everybody, so much.Copy !req
52. Thank you, thank you.
Welcome.Copy !req
53. I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.Copy !req
54. - And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
55. Thank you.Copy !req
56. - You guys know
when Superman and BatmanCopy !req
57. meet in comic books
and TV shows?Copy !req
58. - You know... if you're
a comic book fan. Yeah.Copy !req
59. - They always meet,
and it's like they're equals.Copy !req
60. - Yeah.
They're not equals.Copy !req
61. - They're not equals.
No.Copy !req
62. - They're, like...
if they're on a stakeout,Copy !req
63. like, what's Batman
supposed to do?Copy !req
64. There are the bad guys.Copy !req
65. I'll use
my utility belt freeze...Copy !req
66. Got 'em.Copy !req
67. - Oh, okay.Copy !req
68. I'm gonna give you a tour
of Gotham.Copy !req
69. - Please.
Of Gotham?Copy !req
70. - Yes.
- The city?Copy !req
71. - Yeah, I was gonna get
in my Batwing...Copy !req
72. - Cool.Copy !req
73. - And you and I could travel
around, fly through the sky.Copy !req
74. - Oh, we don't need that.Copy !req
75. Just...
You want to climb on top?Copy !req
76. Come on.Copy !req
77. Get up on it.Copy !req
78. Jump up on it.Copy !req
79. Come on.
There you go.Copy !req
80. Is that...
is that your utility beltCopy !req
81. I'm feeling?Copy !req
82. - Hello, SkyMall magazine.Copy !req
83. This is Riyaz speaking.Copy !req
84. - Hello, Riyaz.Copy !req
85. I would like to reportCopy !req
86. an item which I ordered
that arrived broken.Copy !req
87. - Wendell Sanders,
Mockingbird Lane.Copy !req
88. - That's right.Copy !req
89. - I am showing the last item
that you receivedCopy !req
90. is the Superman bed
with the mattress of solitude.Copy !req
91. - That's the one.Copy !req
92. Ordered it for my son
for his birthday,Copy !req
93. but I cannot give it to him
like this.Copy !req
94. And I'm pretty darn-tootin'
pissed about it.Copy !req
95. - I'm really sorry, sir.Copy !req
96. I will start processing
your reorder right nowCopy !req
97. with you on the line, okay?Copy !req
98. - I ain't mad at you, Riyaz.Copy !req
99. It's just the system.
I know.Copy !req
100. - Okay. Thank you
for understanding, sir.Copy !req
101. Kids, eh?Copy !req
102. - Huh?Copy !req
103. Oh, ki... Well, yeah,
just got the one myself.Copy !req
104. Had sex with a woman
and everything to get him.Copy !req
105. How long is this gonna...Copy !req
106. - What is your son's name?Copy !req
107. - Oh, um...Copy !req
108. Stimpy.Copy !req
109. Pretty much Stimpy.Copy !req
110. - I have boys too.Copy !req
111. I'll tell you,
sometimes they can beCopy !req
112. a real couple
of you-know-whats.Copy !req
113. - Fucking assholes?Copy !req
114. You're preaching
to the choir, Riyaz.Copy !req
115. Stimpy, don't you give me
that look.Copy !req
116. You're gonna get it
when your mama comes home.Copy !req
117. - Oh, my,
sounds like your wife is...Copy !req
118. - Bitch on wheels.
You got that straight, Riyaz.Copy !req
119. Hot little biscuit, though.Copy !req
120. Name's Claire.Copy !req
121. Ten,
Ten.Copy !req
122. So pretty much hit that
every night.Copy !req
123. Sexually.Copy !req
124. Anyway,
what's holding up the...Copy !req
125. - Oh, one more minute.Copy !req
126. And how old is your son?Copy !req
127. - 15.
- 15?Copy !req
128. And he still wants
a Superman bed.Copy !req
129. Ah, a late bloomer.Copy !req
130. Enjoy it
while you still can.Copy !req
131. He'll grow out of the toys
any day now.Copy !req
132. They all do,
and the secondCopy !req
133. he starts hooking up
with the girls,Copy !req
134. he'll forget all about that
Superman and Spider-Man stuff.Copy !req
135. - Pretty much seems
like how it would happen.Copy !req
136. Maybe then
he'll stop bothering meCopy !req
137. with all those stupid,
little factsCopy !req
138. about how those characters
you just namedCopy !req
139. are clearly from two distinct
and separate universes.Copy !req
140. - Sadly, some people
never move on.Copy !req
141. - Sad?
I got a better word for you.Copy !req
142. Pathetic.Copy !req
143. - Well,
I wouldn't say pathetic.Copy !req
144. - Hey, I calls 'em
likes I sees 'em, Riyaz,Copy !req
145. and I don'st tolerate nerds.Copy !req
146. In fact, let me nip this
in the bud real quick.Copy !req
147. Stimpy, Stimpy,
get back in here.Copy !req
148. - Well, I didn't mean to...
- There you are,Copy !req
149. with your round body
and your creepy-ass face.Copy !req
150. No more sweets for you, 'cause
you're never gonna get laidCopy !req
151. if you keeps eating sweets!Copy !req
152. And another thing!Copy !req
153. All these figurines and toys
you got around the house,Copy !req
154. we're throwing 'em
in the trash,Copy !req
155. 'cause they're not real people,
Stimpy.Copy !req
156. They're not real people,
so stop being so lonely.Copy !req
157. Stop being so lonely.Copy !req
158. - Well... and this is none
of my business, of course,Copy !req
159. but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.Copy !req
160. - Oh, shit!Copy !req
161. Stimpy just jumped
out the window.Copy !req
162. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, he killed himself.Copy !req
163. Why'd he do it?
It must have been my fault.Copy !req
164. No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.Copy !req
165. I'm gonna call the cops.Copy !req
166. Don't you dare cancel
that reorder.Copy !req
167. It's the only thing
I'll have to remember him by.Copy !req
168. Hey, you remember
the antidrug advertisements?Copy !req
169. - Yes.Copy !req
170. - This is
my favorite antidrug ad.Copy !req
171. My favorite antidrug ad was...Copy !req
172. "What is this?Copy !req
173. What is this, son?"Copy !req
174. You know.Copy !req
175. "Found this in your room.Copy !req
176. "Marijuana!Copy !req
177. Who taught you to do this?"Copy !req
178. - "I learned it
from watching you, Dad!"Copy !req
179. If you're 14 and you see that,
where I'm from,Copy !req
180. you go, "That's the coolest dad
in the world."Copy !req
181. - That's the coolest dad.Copy !req
182. - Nobody likes you, you girl.Copy !req
183. - Well, you're a different color
than me,Copy !req
184. and that's bad.Copy !req
185. - Oh, yeah?
Well, you dress like...Copy !req
186. - Now hold on a second!Copy !req
187. Whoa!
Mr. T?Copy !req
188. - Never make fun
of a way a man dresses.Copy !req
189. The way a man dresses
is his business.Copy !req
190. Remember that.Copy !req
191. Whether it's overalls,
chains,Copy !req
192. or feather earrings,
however they dress,Copy !req
193. it's not to be joked about.Copy !req
194. I pity the fool that judges
another man's clothing.Copy !req
195. - I'm sorry
I judged your clothing.Copy !req
196. - It's okay.Copy !req
197. - Hey, Scout, there's a man
over thereCopy !req
198. who said he'll give us candy
if we get in his van.Copy !req
199. - Oh, I don't know
if that's a good idea, Timmy.Copy !req
200. - Aw.
What are you afraid of?Copy !req
201. Is it because you have
a stupid name like Scout?Copy !req
202. - Hey!
Whoa! Mr. T again.Copy !req
203. - Never make fun
of a person's name.Copy !req
204. Your mama gave you
that name,Copy !req
205. or you made it up
for business purposes.Copy !req
206. Either way, it's personal.Copy !req
207. I pity the fool that make fun
of another man's name.Copy !req
208. Mr. T's a cool name.
It's a cool name, Mr. T.Copy !req
209. - Hey, Scout,
want to do some drugs?Copy !req
210. - Aren't drugs bad?Copy !req
211. - I don't know.Copy !req
212. If you're afraid of drugs,Copy !req
213. we could drink
a bunch of alcohol.Copy !req
214. - Yum, that sounds good.Copy !req
215. - Well, guess what,
your hair is stupid.Copy !req
216. - Never make fun
of another person's hair!Copy !req
217. Hey, Mr. T.Copy !req
218. - A person's hair
is the artworkCopy !req
219. that they present
to the heavens.Copy !req
220. It's just like
I've been saying...Copy !req
221. And, for your information,
it's not even a haircut.Copy !req
222. It's a rare form
of male pattern baldness.Copy !req
223. You fools!Copy !req
224. For real.Copy !req
225. - Dude, I got to tell you
something.Copy !req
226. - What's up?
- Last night on Showtimes,Copy !req
227. I saw some Lethal Weapon 2.Copy !req
228. - Lethal Weapon 2 starring
the racist-ass Melly Gibsons?Copy !req
229. - I know, I know, but I got
to tell you right up frontCopy !req
230. and truthfully,Copy !req
231. racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still kind of my shit.Copy !req
232. He's still my shit, dog.Copy !req
233. - I don't know, dog,
racist-ass Melly Gibsons?Copy !req
234. - Dude, I know, I know,
but think about it, man.Copy !req
235. Think about it.
Remember when he jacked upCopy !req
236. all them mutants
into road warriors?Copy !req
237. Talking about...Copy !req
238. Bitch was like, "There's
nothing in here but sand."Copy !req
239. - Yeah.
- And then rememberCopy !req
240. when he had taken that hatchet
and chopped upCopy !req
241. all them Englands, remember,
in The Patrlot,Copy !req
242. and did it in front
of all his kids?Copy !req
243. - You know what, though?
Oh.Copy !req
244. Racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still my shit too.Copy !req
245. - Dog.
- Remember when racist-assCopy !req
246. Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group
in Bravehearts?Copy !req
247. - Oh, my God, dogs.
- They was chopping offCopy !req
248. my man's head.Copy !req
249. - My man was still talking
about...Copy !req
250. Freedom!Copy !req
251. Or what about
Consplracy Theorles, though?Copy !req
252. - What? Oh, come on, man.
- What the fuckCopy !req
253. about Consplracy Theorles,
though?Copy !req
254. What the fuck about
Consplracy Theorles, though?Copy !req
255. - What is going on?Copy !req
256. Come on.
- You know racist-assCopy !req
257. Melly Gibsons be directing too.
- Hells, yeah.Copy !req
258. - What about Apocalypto?
- Yo, racist-ass Melly GibsonsCopy !req
259. be telling the story
of a bunchCopy !req
260. of crazy-ass,
old-fashioned Mexicans?Copy !req
261. - Who have been in the jungle
getting chased by a panther.Copy !req
262. - Yeah, yeah.
- My man's straight up going...Copy !req
263. And what about that
Passlons of the Chrlst, though?Copy !req
264. - Passlons of the Chrlst,
though.Copy !req
265. Passlons of the Chrlst.Copy !req
266. - Where racist-ass Melly GibsonsCopy !req
267. made that movie about Jesus
in a kind of racist-ass way?Copy !req
268. - That was my jams.Copy !req
269. - And you know
what I just realized, though?Copy !req
270. - What's that, dog?
What's that?Copy !req
271. - You know
what would be my shit?Copy !req
272. - What would be your shit,
though?Copy !req
273. - If racist-ass Melly GibsonsCopy !req
274. costarred in a movie
with Jesus.Copy !req
275. - Wait, are you talking
about the savior of all?Copy !req
276. The king of all kings?
The alpha and the omega?Copy !req
277. - And Jesus.Copy !req
278. That would be my...Copy !req
279. - For this segment,
we're not gonna haveCopy !req
280. a big, huge preamble here.Copy !req
281. I just simply want
to say that this scene,Copy !req
282. this offering, if you will,Copy !req
283. is for the ladies.Copy !req
284. - What up, homies?
- Welcome to...Copy !req
285. Cunnilingus class.
- I'm Shaboots Michaels.Copy !req
286. - I'm T-Ray Tombstone.Copy !req
287. - And we're here to teach y'all
how to...Copy !req
288. Go down on bitches right.Copy !req
289. - Now bitches ain't being
satisfied, so check it.Copy !req
290. - Quit sucking on that clitoris
so damn hard.Copy !req
291. - Bitches don't like
that nonsense.Copy !req
292. - That's like putting the tip
of your penis in the vacuum.Copy !req
293. - Y'all need to...
Chill on the clitoris.Copy !req
294. - Go around that business.
- That's like a buttonCopy !req
295. made of a million penis tops.Copy !req
296. - Now every bitch
like her cunnilingusCopy !req
297. a little bit different.
- Vaginas are like snowflakes.Copy !req
298. - Snowflakes is different.
Learn your bitch's snowflake.Copy !req
299. - Ask your bitch
what she wants.Copy !req
300. Then do what she says.Copy !req
301. - Some bitches like it
in circles.Copy !req
302. - Some bitches
like it up and down.Copy !req
303. - Some bitches like it hard.
- Some bitches like it soft.Copy !req
304. Communicate
with your bitches.Copy !req
305. - Make the alphabet
with your tongue.Copy !req
306. - A-B-C-D...Copy !req
307. - And when she grab your hairCopy !req
308. like she gonna pull
your damn head off...Copy !req
309. Stay with that letter.Copy !req
310. - I'm talking about B...Copy !req
311. - Or D...Copy !req
312. Vaginas deserve respect.Copy !req
313. - You don't want someone
slapping aroundCopy !req
314. your little homey.Copy !req
315. - You with the hat.
- Yo.Copy !req
316. - How you like your BJs?Copy !req
317. - Damn, dog,
all the time.Copy !req
318. - Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
319. - That's 'cause penises is easy.Copy !req
320. - And vaginas is hard.Copy !req
321. They're...
Confusing!Copy !req
322. - Imagine there's an explosion
at the envelope factory.Copy !req
323. - Flaps everywhere.
A world of flaps.Copy !req
324. - And you need to lick your way
out the factory.Copy !req
325. - But every bitch's flaps
is different.Copy !req
326. - Learn your bitch's
particular flaps.Copy !req
327. - Flaps be...
Crazy!Copy !req
328. - Every flap
need to be listened to.Copy !req
329. - And then you will get out
of that factory alive.Copy !req
330. - Stay down there.Copy !req
331. Plan your breathing
like you're swimming.Copy !req
332. - You gotta be talking about...
Stroke, stroke, breathe.Copy !req
333. Stroke, stroke, breathe.Copy !req
334. - All right.
Let's take a five-minute break.Copy !req
335. - And when we come back,
we gonna talkCopy !req
336. about warming your bitches up
before you get busy.Copy !req
337. - And how to last
for more than two damn minutes.Copy !req
338. - Take a peach and practice.
- Practice on a peach.Copy !req
339. - Take a peach and practice.
- Practice on a peach.Copy !req
340. - Take a peach and practice.
- Practice on a peach.Copy !req
341. - Well, I think
it's gonna work.Copy !req
342. - 30 down,
3 billion to go.Copy !req
343. - Welcome to Metta World News.Copy !req
344. Our top story...
ninja costumes don't comeCopy !req
345. in size triple-X,
which is discriminatoryCopy !req
346. against enormous assassins.Copy !req
347. Do you know what?
Forget about the teleprompter.Copy !req
348. I need to speak
from the heart.Copy !req
349. Well, that wraps up
Metta World NewsCopy !req
350. for this Wednesday,
May staple gun hairbrush.Copy !req
351. I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.Copy !req
352. - I've made this mistake
in the past.Copy !req
353. If there's any question whether
a woman's pregnant or not,Copy !req
354. just don't say shit
about it.Copy !req
355. This is what happened to me.
Just be the woman.Copy !req
356. Hey, Jordan.Copy !req
357. - I said,
"Oh, congratulations."Copy !req
358. - Congratulations for what?Copy !req
359. Hoo-hoo.Copy !req
360. And now I'm at the point where,
I don't careCopy !req
361. how many signals I get,Copy !req
362. I just won't even say anything.Copy !req
363. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm with you.Copy !req
364. - It's contractions now.
- Yeah, I got some gas myself.Copy !req
365. Oh, God. Oh, jeez.
- I'm gonna sit down with you.Copy !req
366. - Oh!
- I'm gonna sit down with you.Copy !req
367. - Me and you are...Copy !req
368. Oh, that is...Copy !req
369. Looks like,
but I can't be sure...Copy !req
370. I can't be sure.Copy !req
371. - Mwah.Copy !req
372. - Okay, that's clearly a child.Copy !req
373. Congratulations
on your pregnancy.Copy !req
374. - I'm not pregnant.
- What the...Copy !req
375. - All right.
Thank you, sir.Copy !req
376. All right.Copy !req
377. All right, how's everybody...
how's everybody doing?Copy !req
378. All right,
and you guysCopy !req
379. can all hear me okay?
Yeah.Copy !req
380. - I know this guy
can right here.Copy !req
381. Boy, this guy's ears
are so big,Copy !req
382. he's laughing at jokes
from the yuk-yuk clubCopy !req
383. all the way
on the other side of town.Copy !req
384. All right.
Hey.Copy !req
385. And you, sir,
you're doing okay?Copy !req
386. And you're getting enough
to eat?Copy !req
387. Is that even possible?Copy !req
388. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
389. Folks, I'm sorry,Copy !req
390. I'm gonna get everybody tonight.Copy !req
391. Nobody is safe.
I'm getting everybody.Copy !req
392. Except for you, sir.
I'm gonna leave you alone.Copy !req
393. Just like your date did tonight.
Hello!Copy !req
394. Huh?
All right.Copy !req
395. Okay, who's next?Copy !req
396. Who is next?Copy !req
397. Hey, ma'am, I get it,
you have breasts, okay?Copy !req
398. Jeez, I mean,
look at this chick over here.Copy !req
399. Her cleavage is giving
the Grand CanyonCopy !req
400. an inferiority complex.Copy !req
401. You skipped me.Copy !req
402. - Who's talking right now?Copy !req
403. - Do me.Copy !req
404. - Yeah, hey, man.Copy !req
405. Look at that pink shirt
you got on there.Copy !req
406. Wow, where'd you get that,
queertshirts. Com?Copy !req
407. - It's in support
of breast cancer awareness.Copy !req
408. I am gay, though.Copy !req
409. - Okay.Copy !req
410. - Go for it.Copy !req
411. I can take it.Copy !req
412. - Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
413. No, hey, yeah, don't you worry
about that, man.Copy !req
414. Gloves are coming off.Copy !req
415. Okay.Copy !req
416. Right there, right there, what's
with the three drinks, man?Copy !req
417. Alcoholic much?Copy !req
418. - This is
my pain medication.Copy !req
419. - Of fucking course it is.Copy !req
420. It's your pain medication.Copy !req
421. 'Cause he is in pain...Copy !req
422. Right now.Copy !req
423. - Make fun of the burns.Copy !req
424. Make fun of the...
What did you say?Copy !req
425. Because here's the problem, sir,
is it's really dark in here,Copy !req
426. and... sorry, are you burned?
Because I can't make it out.Copy !req
427. Thanks so much, ma'am,
for illuminating him.Copy !req
428. Thank you.
That's... I appreciate that.Copy !req
429. Oh, those burns.Copy !req
430. - Make fun of the robot voice.Copy !req
431. - Sir, I don't know.Copy !req
432. - Come on, I can take it.Copy !req
433. - Okay, well, no,
you know what?Copy !req
434. I feel...
- Or the wheelchair.Copy !req
435. - Look, sir,
there is nothing funnyCopy !req
436. about you being in a wheelchair,
and we can all...Copy !req
437. - Oh, but there is something
funny about me being fat?Copy !req
438. - All right.
All right, fine.Copy !req
439. Fine. I've got it.
I've got it.Copy !req
440. I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.Copy !req
441. I just didn't want to go
after this guyCopy !req
442. 'cause I didn't want him
to kill me in my dreams.Copy !req
443. Like Freddy Krueger.Copy !req
444. - Oh, come on.Copy !req
445. - 'Cause... no?Copy !req
446. You know, 'cause you know
how Freddy Krueger's faceCopy !req
447. is burned off.Copy !req
448. That's not...Copy !req
449. - You asshole.Copy !req
450. - He said he could take it.
That's what he said.Copy !req
451. - I thought I could,
but I can't.Copy !req
452. - How is this on me?Copy !req
453. How do we even know
if he's crying right now?Copy !req
454. I don't know that sound.Copy !req
455. It just sounds
like an electronic sound.Copy !req
456. - The tears, they burn.Copy !req
457. - He said he could take it.
He s...Copy !req
458. Gentlemen,
it's time for you to go homeCopy !req
459. and practice on a peach.Copy !req
460. - Take a peach and practice.Copy !req
461. Take a peach
and practice.Copy !req
462. - There you go.
- Take a peach and practice.Copy !req
463. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
464. - Batman, Batman,
what it is, what it is?Copy !req
465. - It's really bat-good
to meet you.Copy !req
466. - Aw, that's adorable.Copy !req
467. - Take it, take it.Copy !req
468. Take it.Copy !req
469. Come on, bubba, take it.
Ripped By mstollCopy !req