1. - Welcome back.Copy !req
2. We're here talking with all-star
shooting guard Charlie SandersCopy !req
3. about his amazing career.Copy !req
4. Now, Charlie,
you grew upCopy !req
5. in a tough neighborhood,
didn't you?Copy !req
6. - That's right.
Drugs, violence.
Ripped By mstollCopy !req
7. My whole life,
I had to deal with adversity.Copy !req
8. - And that continued
when you went on to the pros?Copy !req
9. - That's right.Copy !req
10. You know, fines,
injuries, everything.Copy !req
11. No matter
how big a star I am,Copy !req
12. I'm always gonna
be dealing with adversity.Copy !req
13. - Adversity Johnson,
what's your take on this?Copy !req
14. - I don't know, girl.
I just like fucking with him.Copy !req
15. Just like, eh.
- Ah!Copy !req
16. Come on, Adversity.Copy !req
17. - Deal with me, dog!Copy !req
18. I said,
"Deal with me!"Copy !req
19. - Always.Copy !req
20. Wherever we go, it's...Copy !req
21. Come on, no, don't.
Don't drink my water.Copy !req
22. Don't drink my water.
Adversity, leave me some.Copy !req
23. Leave me a sip.
Leave me a sip.Copy !req
24. Damn, come on, man.Copy !req
25. Aah!Copy !req
26. - Deal with me!Copy !req
27. - This... he doesn't...
I'm sorry.Copy !req
28. No, he doesn't pick up
social cues.Copy !req
29. What?
Here we...Copy !req
30. - Deal with me!
- Titty twister, titty twister.Copy !req
31. Come on.
- Are you okay?Copy !req
32. - No!Copy !req
33. - Oh!Copy !req
34. Hey!Copy !req
35. Whoo, whoo, whoo,
whoo, whoo!Copy !req
36. - Don't start that.
That won't stop.Copy !req
37. They will do that
every time.Copy !req
38. - Good evening, everybody.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
39. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
40. - We do shows every now and then
where we travel a little bit.Copy !req
41. And so, when we were
in the airport...Copy !req
42. - I just wanna get there.
- You get so worked up.Copy !req
43. - I just don't want there
to be anythingCopy !req
44. to get in the way
of me getting on the flight.Copy !req
45. - You get impatient
in the lines.Copy !req
46. - I do get impatient
in the lines sometimes, yeah.Copy !req
47. - He hates it when dudes
are, like, indecisiveCopy !req
48. next to him about
where they are in the line.Copy !req
49. Talking about...Copy !req
50. - What are you doing
right now?Copy !req
51. - I'm sorry,
I can't hear what...Copy !req
52. What'd you say?
- Are you in line, sir?Copy !req
53. - Oh, I was gonna ask you
the same thing.Copy !req
54. - Yeah, I'm definitely in line.Copy !req
55. - Yeah, yeah, me too.
I'm in line with you.Copy !req
56. - No, no.
- I'm in line with you.Copy !req
57. - No, sir, you are perpendicular
to the line.Copy !req
58. - We going that way.
We going that way.Copy !req
59. - We're definitely
going this way.Copy !req
60. The plane's gonna be this way.
- Yeah.Copy !req
61. - So if you face this way,
you're gonna be out of luck.Copy !req
62. - Nah, I crab-walk.
I crab-walk.Copy !req
63. That's me.Copy !req
64. - Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
65. We are about
to begin boardingCopy !req
66. South Northern Airlines
flight 34 to Grand Rapids.Copy !req
67. - Okay, excuse me.
Boarding group one.Copy !req
68. I'm in boarding group one.
Excuse me.Copy !req
69. I'm in boarding group one.Copy !req
70. - And we would like
to begin pre-boardingCopy !req
71. with our first-class passengers.Copy !req
72. First-class passengers only,
please.Copy !req
73. Next, our business-class
passengers may now board.Copy !req
74. Okay, now we would like
to welcomeCopy !req
75. our Regal Alliance Elite
members.Copy !req
76. Regal Alliance Elite members.Copy !req
77. Okay, now all passengers
with children.Copy !req
78. - Okay.Copy !req
79. - Anyone with small children,
you may board now.Copy !req
80. Okay, we would like
to continue boardingCopy !req
81. with uniformed
military personnel.Copy !req
82. - What?
Why can't...Copy !req
83. This is...
Thank you for your service.Copy !req
84. Thank you so much
for your service.Copy !req
85. God bless you.Copy !req
86. - Thank you for your service.Copy !req
87. Thank you for your service.Copy !req
88. All right,
people in wheelchairs.Copy !req
89. Any priests, nuns,
rabbis, imams.Copy !req
90. - What? Why do they
get special treatment?Copy !req
91. - As-salaam alaikum.Copy !req
92. - I've never...Copy !req
93. That's typical.Copy !req
94. - Any old people in wheelchairs
with babies?Copy !req
95. Any old, religious people
with military babies?Copy !req
96. - What's a military...Copy !req
97. - Thank you
for your service.Copy !req
98. Jason Schwartzman.Copy !req
99. Anyone with a blue suitcase,
you may now board.Copy !req
100. - Finally.Copy !req
101. - No, not you, sir.
- Not me?Copy !req
102. This is a blue suitcase.
- That's a blue computer bag.Copy !req
103. - So you're not...
You're not gonna let me on then?Copy !req
104. - Damn it!Copy !req
105. Damn it, damn it, damn it,
damn it, damn it!Copy !req
106. God damn it!Copy !req
107. - Anyone who doesn't
seem cranky.Copy !req
108. Drunk people.Copy !req
109. We will now be boarding
any drunk people.Copy !req
110. Drunk people may board.Copy !req
111. All right, it's...Copy !req
112. No, it's my bag.Copy !req
113. Sir, just...Copy !req
114. Just...Copy !req
115. - Ooh.Copy !req
116. Hello?Copy !req
117. Oh, hey, Christian.Copy !req
118. Yeah. Totally.Copy !req
119. Well, you have your favorites,
and I have my favorites.Copy !req
120. Okay.Copy !req
121. Call you later.Copy !req
122. Ciao, ciao.Copy !req
123. Boarding group one.Copy !req
124. - Has anybody seen
Jason Schwartzman?Copy !req
125. - Jason Schwartzman!Copy !req
126. - Stick up your hand!
Gotta find him. Jason!Copy !req
127. - Jason Schwartzman!Copy !req
128. - I got him!Copy !req
129. I got Schwartzman here!Copy !req
130. - Everyone,
Jason Schwartzman's fine!Copy !req
131. - I got Jason Schwartzman.
Let's wrap it up, people.Copy !req
132. - Boarding group one
over here!Copy !req
133. Got a boarding group one.Copy !req
134. - You know, everybody's
had this happen to you,Copy !req
135. where somebody's
telling you a story,Copy !req
136. and halfway through the story,
you realizeCopy !req
137. they're telling you the story
you told them three weeks ago?Copy !req
138. - It's maddening.Copy !req
139. - Dude just come up to you,
talking about,Copy !req
140. hey, man, y'all see,Copy !req
141. I was walking down the street,
right?Copy !req
142. - Uh-huh?
- And this bird...Copy !req
143. - Yeah.
- Flew up...Copy !req
144. - Yep?
- Hit my shoulder...Copy !req
145. - Yup, yup.
- That shit died on impact.Copy !req
146. - Was that bird a sparrow?Copy !req
147. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
148. - Did that happen
on Santa Monica Boulevard?Copy !req
149. - Yes.
- Right off of Las Palmas?Copy !req
150. - How you know that, man?
I told you this story?Copy !req
151. - No, because I told you
this story literally a day ago.Copy !req
152. - I tell you
about this other thingCopy !req
153. that happened to me, though?Copy !req
154. - I didn't,
but I can't wait to hear it.Copy !req
155. - Walking down the street, man,Copy !req
156. I just felt a drop
on my bald head.Copy !req
157. - Nooice!Copy !req
158. Nooice!Copy !req
159. Nooice!Copy !req
160. - Nooice!Copy !req
161. - Nooice!
- Nooice!Copy !req
162. - 'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
'Scuse me.Copy !req
163. 'Scuse me.
'Scuse me, 'scuse me.Copy !req
164. 'Scuse me, 'scuse me,
'scuse me.Copy !req
165. - What's up?
What's up, boo?Copy !req
166. - What you doing?
- I'm just nooicing the nooice!Copy !req
167. - Well, don't.Copy !req
168. It's mostly
about the dancers.Copy !req
169. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
170. - Besides, you know,Copy !req
171. I'm kind of the guy
that says "nooice!"Copy !req
172. - Nooice!
- What happened?Copy !req
173. - Nothing happened,
I just nooiced youCopy !req
174. because of you standing up
for yourselfCopy !req
175. and your place
in this dance circle.Copy !req
176. - No, no.
No "nooice," okay?Copy !req
177. "Nooice" is my thing.Copy !req
178. No more "nooice" from you.Copy !req
179. 'Scuse me, 'scuse me,
'scuse me.Copy !req
180. Aw, nooice!Copy !req
181. Nooice?Copy !req
182. Nooice?Copy !req
183. Nooice!Copy !req
184. Nooice!Copy !req
185. Nooice! Nooice!Copy !req
186. Nooice!
Nooice!Copy !req
187. Nooice!Copy !req
188. Nooice.Copy !req
189. - Nooice.Copy !req
190. - Nooice.Copy !req
191. - You... Nooice?Copy !req
192. Nooice.Copy !req
193. Nooice.Copy !req
194. - Nooice.Copy !req
195. - Nooice!Copy !req
196. - Nooice.Copy !req
197. Nooice.
- Nooice.Copy !req
198. - Nooice!Copy !req
199. Nooice!Copy !req
200. - Nooice!
- Nooice!Copy !req
201. This is the fight
everybody's been waiting for,Copy !req
202. but when I get Andre
in the ring, man,Copy !req
203. it's gonna be cruel
and quick,Copy !req
204. 'cause it's gonna be like,
one-two, one-two, boom,Copy !req
205. and you out.Copy !req
206. - Man, fuck you,
Claudius Lewis.Copy !req
207. I'm gonna fuck you
right in the ass.Copy !req
208. Yeah, I'm gonna
bend you overCopy !req
209. and fuck you
right in the asshole.Copy !req
210. - All right,
you know what?Copy !req
211. Andre, he like to be...Copy !req
212. try to get
into his opponents' headsCopy !req
213. by saying crazy stuff.Copy !req
214. He ain't gonna get into my head.
He ain't gonna get into my head.Copy !req
215. - No, I'm not gonna
get in your head.Copy !req
216. I'm gonna get in your asshole,Copy !req
217. just like I said,
just right up in thereCopy !req
218. in that tiny, little,
miniscule asshole of yours.Copy !req
219. This is what's gonna happen.Copy !req
220. I'm gonna take you to a nice,Copy !req
221. high-fancy,
highfalutin restaurant,Copy !req
222. and I'm gonna buy you things,
wine and dine you.Copy !req
223. And we're gonna find some things
that we have in common,Copy !req
224. and they're gonna
become inside jokes to us.Copy !req
225. And then, we're just gonna
laugh about them in the taxiCopy !req
226. all the way
to your house,Copy !req
227. where I'm gonna fuck you
in the ass.Copy !req
228. - Oh, okay, now,Copy !req
229. just me p-personally,
I've never...Copy !req
230. You know,
I ain't never seen AndreCopy !req
231. take it that far before,Copy !req
232. but...Copy !req
233. What... whatever.Copy !req
234. - Yeah, whatever.
I'll tell you whatever.Copy !req
235. Whatever, I'm gonna finally
gonna feel comfortableCopy !req
236. taking you out
to dinner parties.Copy !req
237. And then all of our friends
who are also couples,Copy !req
238. they're just gonna laugh at usCopy !req
239. 'cause we're that couple
that holds hands all the time.Copy !req
240. Let me tell you something,
Claudius.Copy !req
241. We love each other
so very muchCopy !req
242. that no matter
how tired I am,Copy !req
243. no matter how much bullshit
I've dealt with over the day,Copy !req
244. I'm just gonna
leave it at the doorCopy !req
245. when I fuck you
in the ass.Copy !req
246. - Okay, you know what, man?Copy !req
247. It's time for you to stop
all that nonsenseCopy !req
248. right now, all right?Copy !req
249. Did he just say he was gonna
take me to dinner parties?Copy !req
250. - He did say
"dinner parties."Copy !req
251. - We're gonna snuggle
on the couch every night.Copy !req
252. I'm gonna let you
pick the movie,Copy !req
253. even though you always
pick the movie.Copy !req
254. Then I'm gonna take you out
for a walk on the beach,Copy !req
255. and the moonlight's
gonna bounce off of your scalp.Copy !req
256. And I'm just gonna kiss you
so tenderlyCopy !req
257. while the waves break, and then
right there, right then,Copy !req
258. I'm gonna fuck you
in the sandy asshole.Copy !req
259. - All right, it's time for you
to shut your fool mouth!Copy !req
260. - Is it? Is it time?
- Yes, it is time.Copy !req
261. It's time for you
to shut your mouth!Copy !req
262. - We gonna spend
the golden years together.Copy !req
263. - Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
264. I'm gonna support you
all the wayCopy !req
265. through your run
through city council.Copy !req
266. Yeah, that's right,
and you're gonna be tiredCopy !req
267. and exhausted
and overworked,Copy !req
268. but we're gonna
still find the energyCopy !req
269. to go antiquing on the weekends.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
270. - And then you're gonna
be on your deathbed,Copy !req
271. and you're gonna be
sitting there,Copy !req
272. and you're gonna be dying.Copy !req
273. I'm gonna be right beside you,
and I'm gonna be crying.Copy !req
274. And right at that moment
when you cross overCopy !req
275. from this world
into the next,Copy !req
276. I'm gonna fuck you
in the asshole.Copy !req
277. - Oh, man,
I wish you'd try.Copy !req
278. - Oh, you do?
- I wish that you would try.Copy !req
279. - Well, wish fucking granted.Copy !req
280. No, I love the Village
as much as the next guy,Copy !req
281. but I'm telling you,
if we continueCopy !req
282. to self-segregate ourselves,
the entire gay community'sCopy !req
283. gonna continue
to be "margarine-ized."Copy !req
284. I was just saying this
to Claudius the other nightCopy !req
285. right after I fucked him
in the ass.Copy !req
286. - Yeah, he did,
he did.Copy !req
287. - Anyway, enough politics.
Cheers, everyone.Copy !req
288. Cheers.Copy !req
289. - You know when people
pour their 40sCopy !req
290. for the memories
of their fallen homies?Copy !req
291. - You pour it out
for your homies a little bit?Copy !req
292. Mm-hmm. Could you pick
a more disreputable liquid?Copy !req
293. - Yeah.Copy !req
294. You can urinate on a graveCopy !req
295. and be doing a better justice
to your fallen homeyCopy !req
296. than some Olde English.Copy !req
297. - Yeah, it seems like
the kind of thingCopy !req
298. that people in ancient times
would doCopy !req
299. to a fallen enemy,
not a comrade.Copy !req
300. Let's get the shittiest ale.Copy !req
301. - Oh, and take
this fucking piss water...Copy !req
302. - Ah, ah.Copy !req
303. - And dump it
on these blasted Saxons.Copy !req
304. - Why do
English people always squat?Copy !req
305. - I don't know
why they do it, but they do.Copy !req
306. It's a fact... they squat.
- They squat.Copy !req
307. - Those sons of bitches squat.Copy !req
308. - Hey, y'all,
for real, though,Copy !req
309. this right here...
- Yeah.Copy !req
310. - This goes out
to all our fallen homies, yo.Copy !req
311. Come on.
- Hey, yo, real talk.Copy !req
312. - All right?Copy !req
313. - I mean,Copy !req
314. it just seems like a waste.Copy !req
315. Right?Copy !req
316. Does that make me a dick?Copy !req
317. Okay, I'm a dick.
Okay, I'm a dick.Copy !req
318. - Come on, man.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
319. I'm a big ol' dick.
- Let's go.Copy !req
320. - Okay, here...
For our homies.Copy !req
321. - Come on, man.
- What you doing?Copy !req
322. - Pour out the damn beer, man.
- Let's go.Copy !req
323. - Okay, okay.
Fine, fine.Copy !req
324. Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug...Copy !req
325. - No, come on, man.Copy !req
326. Hey, man, you got your thumb
in there, man.Copy !req
327. - Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
328. - You need to respect
our homies.Copy !req
329. - Jeez, okay.
Okay.Copy !req
330. For the homies.Copy !req
331. - Wha...
- Nigga, a trash beer?Copy !req
332. - What? Come on.
Hey, beer is beer!Copy !req
333. The... Jeez.
I cannot win on this.Copy !req
334. - What?
- Fine.Copy !req
335. I'm not on board with this,
but I'll do it.Copy !req
336. - Hey, man, what you doing?
What you doing?Copy !req
337. - Oh, really?
That don't count?Copy !req
338. - Aw, hey, put that...
That's not for...Copy !req
339. Aw, man.Copy !req
340. - Ahh.Copy !req
341. It's more of a symbol
than a gesture.Copy !req
342. Somebody back me up on this.
Right?Copy !req
343. - Hey, man, that's disrespectful
right there.Copy !req
344. You just do it.Copy !req
345. - Fine, fine!
I'll pour it out!Copy !req
346. I'll waste
the damn beer then!Copy !req
347. You know, I'm...
I'm just not a waster.Copy !req
348. You know, I save everything.
Jamal knows.Copy !req
349. If he eat a piece of pizza
and don't eat the crust,Copy !req
350. I eat the crust.Copy !req
351. If we do
a drive-by shooting,Copy !req
352. I will go back
for the shell cases.Copy !req
353. Not to hide
the evidence,Copy !req
354. but because you
can recycle those.Copy !req
355. They have value, man,
just like this beer.Copy !req
356. I can't waste nothing,
y'all.Copy !req
357. It's physically impossible
for me to waste this.Copy !req
358. I can't do it.Copy !req
359. Jamal, can you pour it out
for me?Copy !req
360. - Oh, man.
Come on, man.Copy !req
361. - I mean, it's not
gonna bring 'em back.Copy !req
362. - Stupid.
- It's not gonna bring 'em back.Copy !req
363. - All right, partner.Copy !req
364. Take this scumbag downtownCopy !req
365. before the Mexicans find him
and blow his ass away.Copy !req
366. - We're gonna
keep you alive, chlco.Copy !req
367. Comprende?Copy !req
368. - Come on.Copy !req
369. No!Copy !req
370. No!Copy !req
371. What?
Is that a bird?Copy !req
372. - Hey!Copy !req
373. Do you know what happened?Copy !req
374. - No.Copy !req
375. Oh!Copy !req
376. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
377. When I say "no,"
stuff blows up.Copy !req
378. Cool.Copy !req
379. - What'd you think
about that show, man?Copy !req
380. - What'd I think about that show
that just happened right there?Copy !req
381. - That happened right there.
- Man, that jam was nooice!Copy !req
382. - Come on.Copy !req
383. - Good night, everybody.Copy !req
384. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
385. - If you went whoosh
and shot an arrow at somebody,Copy !req
386. and then you cut to the hero
in slow motion,Copy !req
387. and the hero's
talking about...Copy !req
388. - Talking about...Copy !req
389. Aah!
Ripped By mstollCopy !req