1. - No, but I don't care.Copy !req
2. - And I'm trying to help
people out over here.Copy !req
3. - No, no, okay, you know what,
Jaqueline?Copy !req
4. - No, I don't know. What?Copy !req
5. - You need to think
about yourself sometimesCopy !req
6. before you start
insinuating yourselfCopy !req
7. in other people's business.Copy !req
8. - Well, you know what, Deenyce?
Ripped By mstollCopy !req
9. I'm gonna insinuate myself
whenever and wherever I please,Copy !req
10. 'cause it's a free country,
bitch.Copy !req
11. Ooh.Copy !req
12. - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
13. - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
14. - Uh-uh. Okay.
You know what?Copy !req
15. - Oh, we doing this? Okay.
So we gonna do it here, baby.Copy !req
16. - Yeah, we are
about to fight now.Copy !req
17. - Bring it on, then, bitch.
Let's go.Copy !req
18. - I ain't even playing,
'cause you know what?Copy !req
19. Step to me then, go ahead.
- I wish you would...Copy !req
20. - Step to me.
- Step up to me...Copy !req
21. - No, I would love for you
to step to me,Copy !req
22. I really would.
- Right now, bitch.Copy !req
23. But you're just talking.
That's the problem.Copy !req
24. - I don't even care no more.Copy !req
25. - And you're talking now,
and that's all you're doing.Copy !req
26. - Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
27. - Call me a bitch again.
- Okay.Copy !req
28. - No, see what happens?
- Your wish is granted.Copy !req
29. - See what happens? I would like
to see what happens.Copy !req
30. I would love to see
what happens.Copy !req
31. - Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.Copy !req
32. So why don't you come
and bring it, then, bitch?Copy !req
33. Oh!
- Mm-mm. See, no.Copy !req
34. You are riding my last nerve.Copy !req
35. And I ain't even playing
no more.Copy !req
36. I am not even playing no more.Copy !req
37. - Oh, it's on?
Then let's do something, okay?Copy !req
38. You wanna go?Copy !req
39. Ooh.
- Do something, bitch.Copy !req
40. - Uh-uh.Copy !req
41. - Huh?
There we go.Copy !req
42. Let's do something.Copy !req
43. - Uh-uh.Copy !req
44. - Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
45. - It's uh-huh.
It's uh-huh.Copy !req
46. - Uh-uh.Copy !req
47. - Let's do something, bitch.Copy !req
48. - What?Copy !req
49. Oh.Copy !req
50. We told you
not to mess with us, bitch!Copy !req
51. - Y'all just saw that bitch turn
into two little girls, right?Copy !req
52. Whoo! Whoo!Copy !req
53. Yeah. Oh.Copy !req
54. - All right.
- Thank you.Copy !req
55. Thanks for being here, guys.Copy !req
56. I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.Copy !req
57. - And we're Key and Peele.
Thank you for coming.Copy !req
58. - All right, well, do you guys
know The Super Bowl Shuffle?Copy !req
59. You remember that?
Some of...Copy !req
60. - You weren't born in 1985.
Right, exactly.Copy !req
61. - Right, it was the '85 Bears.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
62. - Put out this rap video,Copy !req
63. just saying how much
badasses they were.Copy !req
64. - How bad...
how badass they were.Copy !req
65. - No athlete has ever been able
to rap and it sounds good.Copy !req
66. It just doesn't happen.
- Right.Copy !req
67. - There's something
about multiple concussionsCopy !req
68. that just doesn't...Copy !req
69. isn't conducive to rhyming well.Copy !req
70. - You don't just get to put
on the headphones and go,Copy !req
71. "Yeah, I gotta live it,
s-so I can give it."Copy !req
72. - Nope.Copy !req
73. We gotta take it from the topCopy !req
74. 'cause you messed up
the line, man.Copy !req
75. - Yeah, okay.
- Live it, do it.Copy !req
76. That's your only line.Copy !req
77. - All right. Mm-hmm.
- Ready? Go.Copy !req
78. - We got do it and...Copy !req
79. - No, no.
- Gravitate toward it.Copy !req
80. - You already...
why are you adding "gravitate"?Copy !req
81. - Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Toquavius...Copy !req
82. - Yes, yes.
- Can you just say four words?Copy !req
83. - Mm-hmm.
- And then we're gonna be good?Copy !req
84. - Four words!
- No, this is just...Copy !req
85. Hey, J'Dinkalage?Copy !req
86. - Yeah, L'Carpetron?Copy !req
87. - Check out Leoz.Copy !req
88. I wonder
what he's dreaming about.Copy !req
89. - He is probably dreaming
about what we is gonna doCopy !req
90. to the team from the West.Copy !req
91. - I wonder.Copy !req
92. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
93. It must have been all a dream.Copy !req
94. Or was it?Copy !req
95. - Oh, it's on.Copy !req
96. - Question for you.Copy !req
97. Why do black people
love Mafia stuff so much?Copy !req
98. We do, right?Copy !req
99. - Goodfellas, Godfather.
- Godfather.Copy !req
100. - Godfather II, God...Copy !req
101. Mm, on the third one, but...Copy !req
102. - We are very tolerant,
considering that Mafia...Copy !req
103. mobsters are the most racist
people in America.Copy !req
104. - Hands down.
- Right?Copy !req
105. - They say the N-word
more than we do.Copy !req
106. - Yeah, it's crazy.Copy !req
107. - I mean, if you date
a mobster's sister,Copy !req
108. you will wake up with that
bitch's head in your bed.Copy !req
109. - That's right.Copy !req
110. - They're likeCopy !req
111. the most cold-blooded people
in the world.Copy !req
112. - They just don't give a fuck.Copy !req
113. - They don't.
That's their motto.Copy !req
114. "I clearly don't care."
- You laugh,Copy !req
115. but we're gonna get shot
after we walk off the stage.Copy !req
116. - I'm telling you, Vinny,Copy !req
117. no disrespect to your dearly
departed grandmother,Copy !req
118. but my aunt makes a pasta...
forget about it.Copy !req
119. - Your aunt lives
in this neighborhood?Copy !req
120. Seems kind of dangerous.Copy !req
121. - What are you,
McGruff the Crime Dog?Copy !req
122. Come on, we're late already.Copy !req
123. - Hey, you... you say
she lives in this house here?Copy !req
124. - What the fuck's
the matter with you, Vinny?Copy !req
125. You're being rude.
Let's go.Copy !req
126. - I'm not trying to be rude.
It's...Copy !req
127. The lights are off.Copy !req
128. Maybe we...
Let's come back later. Y...Copy !req
129. - Hey, she's probably
just taking a napCopy !req
130. after the huge meal
she just made for us.Copy !req
131. Go in.Copy !req
132. - I don't have a key.
You should go in first.Copy !req
133. - Oh, maron, she said
she'd leave it open.Copy !req
134. Vinny, stop being such a strunzCopy !req
135. and get in there.Copy !req
136. - All right, all right.Copy !req
137. - Surprise.Copy !req
138. No, I'm good, man.Copy !req
139. - You hungry?Copy !req
140. - Sure, I could eat.
Yeah, man.Copy !req
141. Um, what you want?Copy !req
142. Pizza? Chinese?Copy !req
143. Kill that noise, man.Copy !req
144. I got a ratatouille.Copy !req
145. - Oh, fuck!Copy !req
146. That's a rat, dude.Copy !req
147. - No, it ain't.Copy !req
148. That's a ratatouille, yo.Copy !req
149. Hey, Ratatouille,
go make my man a sandwich.Copy !req
150. Yeah, show him what you got.Copy !req
151. - What the fuck, son?
You got a rat up in your house?Copy !req
152. What this mean?Copy !req
153. - I don't know what to say, man.Copy !req
154. I got a ratatouille, man.Copy !req
155. He a chef just like
in all them movies, man.Copy !req
156. - No, no r... hey.Copy !req
157. There's only...Copy !req
158. There's only one movie, Levi,
all right?Copy !req
159. And he's not a ratatouille.Copy !req
160. He's a rat,
and his name is Remy.Copy !req
161. - Potato, potato.
- Potato, p...Copy !req
162. - I gots myself a ratatouille.Copy !req
163. That's all I know.Copy !req
164. Order up.Copy !req
165. - Damn!
Come on, Levi!Copy !req
166. - Vollà.Copy !req
167. - Levi, look at this thing, man.Copy !req
168. You see it got bite marks
all over it.Copy !req
169. - Any good chef
has to taste his creation.Copy !req
170. - That's rat shit
on the sandwich.Copy !req
171. - He did make
a sandwich, though.Copy !req
172. - Oh, hell, no.
I'm out.Copy !req
173. My dude, you need help.Copy !req
174. Oh, well, Ratatouille,
another negative review.Copy !req
175. Maybe you want it,
Charlotte's Web.Copy !req
176. Has anybody been
racially profiled here?Copy !req
177. - Yes.Copy !req
178. - Really?
- Yes. Yes!Copy !req
179. - That's why we have
the glasses on, right?Copy !req
180. No, I'm good.
I'm one of the nerdy ones here.Copy !req
181. Right here.Copy !req
182. - Carry on. Carry on.Copy !req
183. - Being a black man,
it is scary, man.Copy !req
184. We can get thrown away
for just no reason.Copy !req
185. - Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
186. - Just be like,
I did what to who?Copy !req
187. Like, d...
but seriously now, what?Copy !req
188. What are the charges?Copy !req
189. - What did they get you for?
- I don't know.Copy !req
190. They asked me
to come down to the station.Copy !req
191. - Oh, really?
- Yes.Copy !req
192. - I was just...
- I came.Copy !req
193. I'm a fucking idiot.
- I know.Copy !req
194. Yeah.Copy !req
195. - Are you... is there
any Muslim-Americans in the...Copy !req
196. - There we go. All right.
We're very pleased...Copy !req
197. - You guys have it the worst
right now, though, right?Copy !req
198. They'll just look at your name
and see it's.Copy !req
199. "All right.
Fuck, you go."Copy !req
200. Look, Rajid,Copy !req
201. I'm gonna make this
really nice and easy for you.Copy !req
202. I need names,
and you're gonna give 'em to me.Copy !req
203. - You have to listen to me.Copy !req
204. You have to listen to me.Copy !req
205. This is all a huge mistake.Copy !req
206. - Bullshit!Copy !req
207. Department
of Homeland Security'sCopy !req
208. been monitoring your calls
for weeks, Rajid.Copy !req
209. We got you.Copy !req
210. We know about you
and your friends.Copy !req
211. We know that you're a...Copy !req
212. - Terrierist.Copy !req
213. I am a terrierist.Copy !req
214. We... me and my friends,
we breed dogs,Copy !req
215. specifically terriers.Copy !req
216. We write terrierist fiction.Copy !req
217. W-we spend a good deal of timeCopy !req
218. discussing possible future
terrierist plots...Copy !req
219. - Hmm.
That's a nice try.Copy !req
220. Really is.Copy !req
221. But it's bullshit, Rajid!Copy !req
222. Come on.
Is that the best you got?Copy !req
223. Now, come on, I'm listening.Copy !req
224. Just tell me.
Tell me.Copy !req
225. Tell me
about this imminent attack.Copy !req
226. - What? What?
What attack?Copy !req
227. I don't know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
228. - What are you t...
What am I talking about?Copy !req
229. - I don't...
- I don't know, huh? Huh?Copy !req
230. I don't know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
231. - I'm telling you...
- No, you don't know?Copy !req
232. - I don't know. I don't know.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
233. June 11th, Rajid!Copy !req
234. You spoke of an imminent attack.Copy !req
235. - Oh, oh, yes. No.Copy !req
236. Listen, that was my friend.Copy !req
237. Listen, his dog bit him.
- No.Copy !req
238. - And I told him,
"If you do not train them"...Copy !req
239. - No.
- "Another terrier attackCopy !req
240. is imminent."Copy !req
241. - So you lied,
and you see what happens?Copy !req
242. - I'm not...
I'm not lying to you.Copy !req
243. - Come on, Rajid.
I like you.Copy !req
244. Let's be friends, huh?Copy !req
245. Now, you still haven't explained
to me why we found,Copy !req
246. on the search engine
of your computer,Copy !req
247. the words "Target Washington"
49 times.Copy !req
248. - That... that is because
I was in D.C. For a dog show,Copy !req
249. and I had to buy a squeezy toy,
a birthday card,Copy !req
250. and some deodorant
all at an affordable price.Copy !req
251. - All right.Copy !req
252. - You can only
do that at Target.Copy !req
253. - Yeah, okay.Copy !req
254. I see how you wanna play this.Copy !req
255. Give me... give me this.Copy !req
256. - This is not a case
of mistaken identity, Rajid,Copy !req
257. and you know it!Copy !req
258. We've heard the conversations
between you and Jafar,Copy !req
259. where you're discussing
your hatred of American ideals.Copy !req
260. - No, no, idols.Copy !req
261. American idols!Copy !req
262. I hate them.
They performed Danclng Queen.Copy !req
263. It was a desecration to ABBA,Copy !req
264. my favorite band.Copy !req
265. - We got you on tape
referring to JafarCopy !req
266. as one of the architects of...Copy !req
267. - 7-Eleven!Copy !req
268. It was 7-Eleven!Copy !req
269. Jafar... he designs
convenience stores.Copy !req
270. - 7-Eleven?Copy !req
271. Oh, shit.Copy !req
272. - Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked
the Capitol building.Copy !req
273. - Were they terriers?Copy !req
274. - How did you know?Copy !req
275. - Fuck!Copy !req
276. - Praise ABBA.Copy !req
277. - Welcome to Metta World News.Copy !req
278. In sports,
I'd rather eat my handCopy !req
279. than have my penis cut off.Copy !req
280. I'd really have to believe
someone was gonna cut it off,Copy !req
281. but if I did,
I could definitely eat my hand.Copy !req
282. I know because I had a dream
where I did it.Copy !req
283. It was horrible.Copy !req
284. I ate my whole hand.Copy !req
285. Now, that's what you call
rhetoric.Copy !req
286. Well, that wraps up
Metta World NewsCopy !req
287. for this Wednesday,
April hurricane slipknot.Copy !req
288. I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.Copy !req
289. - We go to the movies
together sometimes...Copy !req
290. - Yes.
- And we very oftenCopy !req
291. find ourselves
in these really annoying spotsCopy !req
292. where the guys in front of us
are talking about a movie...Copy !req
293. they can't remember a movie.Copy !req
294. I've seen people get caught
in a crazy, like, vortex.Copy !req
295. Talking about...
Hey, hey, man.Copy !req
296. You know,
what's the girl's name?Copy !req
297. What's the girl's name?Copy !req
298. You know...
- She does this?Copy !req
299. She does this?
- She don't do this.Copy !req
300. No, she, um... she on a boat.Copy !req
301. And then the dude
is on the boat.Copy !req
302. She's doing it... she doing it.Copy !req
303. She got..."I will always...
in love"...Copy !req
304. - She says, "I will"...
- "I'm on the boat."Copy !req
305. - Oh, Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston,Copy !req
306. Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston.Copy !req
307. - No! She's blonde.
- Oh, and... Oh, she blonde.Copy !req
308. She on the boat,Copy !req
309. and then the shark...
Jaws, man. Jaws.Copy !req
310. Talking about Jaws.
- No.Copy !req
311. The boat sinks.
It crashes and sinks.Copy !req
312. - What's it hitting?
- It sinks.Copy !req
313. It hits a big-ass ice cube,
and it sinks.Copy !req
314. - Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!Copy !req
315. Frlday.Copy !req
316. - Damn, she was fly.
- She all right.Copy !req
317. Yo, man.
Can I ask you a question?Copy !req
318. - Yeah. What?Copy !req
319. - Why everybody messing
with the Batmans?Copy !req
320. - Psh. See, that's exactly
what I've been asking myself.Copy !req
321. - It don't make no sense.
- Why would you do it?Copy !req
322. - Why would you do that?Copy !req
323. Why would you try and mess
with the Batmans?Copy !req
324. - It's futile.
- It is.Copy !req
325. - Yo, remember,
Heath Ledgers tried to.Copy !req
326. - Psh. I mean,
the Batmans got armorCopy !req
327. and be knowing
some martial arts...Copy !req
328. - Don't work.
I got armor.Copy !req
329. And then martial arts.
- Come on.Copy !req
330. - All you got is a purple suit
and some pancake makeup.Copy !req
331. - It's like, come on, man.Copy !req
332. - I mean, come on, man.
Batman...Copy !req
333. - Why would you...
Mess with the Batmans?Copy !req
334. - That's what I'm saying, man.Copy !req
335. - Oh, remember
when Danny DeVitos tried it?Copy !req
336. - Psh.
- Start walking around,Copy !req
337. talking about...Copy !req
338. Come on, man.Copy !req
339. - I mean, the Batmans is a
multibillionaire with a grudge.Copy !req
340. You're just
a little fat motherfuckerCopy !req
341. in a tuxedo with a umbrella.Copy !req
342. - Exactly, man.
- Come on, man.Copy !req
343. - It's like a pretend bird
can't mess with the Batmans.Copy !req
344. - No way. No way.
Out of the question, man.Copy !req
345. Jim Carreys, though.Copy !req
346. - Psh.
Jim Carreys, though.Copy !req
347. - Jim Carreys.
- Come on.Copy !req
348. "Riddle me this.Copy !req
349. Riddle me that," mans.Copy !req
350. How is Ace Ventura
gonna mess with the Batmans?Copy !req
351. - Well played. Well played.
- How is Ace Ventura...Copy !req
352. - Well played.Copy !req
353. - "Hey, Batmans.
I've come to get you."Copy !req
354. - Aah!
- Now, see.Copy !req
355. How are you supposed
to block a batarangCopy !req
356. from going in your butt
with a carefully crafted query?Copy !req
357. - You cannot. That's how.
- It's impossible.Copy !req
358. - Hey. Hey, psh.
Hey, psh. Hey, psh.Copy !req
359. - Michelle Pfeiffers.
- Michelle Pfeiffer.Copy !req
360. - Michelle Pfeiffers tried
to mess with the Batmans.Copy !req
361. Michelle Pfeiffers tried to mess
with the Batmans.Copy !req
362. - Michelle Pfeiffers.Copy !req
363. - Michelle Pfeiffers...
- Michelle Pfeiffers.Copy !req
364. - Tried to mess
with the Batman.Copy !req
365. - Michelle Pfeiffers.
- Michelle Pfeiffers.Copy !req
366. - Guess what,
Michelle Pfeiffers.Copy !req
367. You ain't a real cat!Copy !req
368. - Come on.
I'll tell you one thing.Copy !req
369. Ain't no way you gonna meows
with the Batman.Copy !req
370. - But what about
Arnold Schwarzenegger, though?Copy !req
371. What's Arnold Schwarzenegger
trying to do?Copy !req
372. - Come on, man.Copy !req
373. - What is
Arnold Schwarzenegger...Copy !req
374. Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.Copy !req
375. - It should be in your triceps.Copy !req
376. - Come on, man.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger...Copy !req
377. - You can't turn up the ACCopy !req
378. and think that's gonna mess
with the Batmans.Copy !req
379. - What is it supposed to be
doing to the Batman?Copy !req
380. Giving the Batmans a cold?
- Come on.Copy !req
381. - Giving the Batmans a sniffle?Copy !req
382. - Man's talking
about bat lozenge.Copy !req
383. - And you were defeated.
Come on, man.Copy !req
384. - You know,
there is one person, though.Copy !req
385. - Oh, no, no, no.
Here it come now.Copy !req
386. - There is one person
who could mess with the Batmans.Copy !req
387. - Here it comes right now.Copy !req
388. - Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
389. - There's one person
who could...Copy !req
390. - Here it comes right now.Copy !req
391. - Did, and shall again mess
with the Batmans.Copy !req
392. - No, no, no.
- Whoo!Copy !req
393. - Oh, here it comes.
- He trained the Batmans.Copy !req
394. He gave the Batmans his skills.Copy !req
395. He's a mirror image
of the BatmansCopy !req
396. in fighting prowess.Copy !req
397. I'm talking about...
Ra's al Ghul!Copy !req
398. - That's right, dog,
right there.Copy !req
399. Talk about straight up
Ra's al Ghul,Copy !req
400. played by the incomparable...
Liam Neesons.Copy !req
401. - So, even when we are talking
about the Batmans...Copy !req
402. - Praise ABBA!Copy !req
403. Good night, everybody.
- All right. Thank you.Copy !req
404. Good night, guys.Copy !req
405. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
406. - Whitey Bulger's, like, 106.Copy !req
407. - "Anybody could kill me
at any time."Copy !req
408. He doesn't care.
- Yeah.Copy !req
409. - Just dancing Irish jigs
in Boston.Copy !req
410. - Oh, my God.Copy !req
411. Is that Whitey Bulger
or Ray Bolger?Copy !req
412. - I got him with that one.
Ripped By mstollCopy !req