1. - I saw on the news today,
Copy !req
2. talking about the violence
in foreign countries.
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3. Talking about all the savagery
up in the world,
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4. but they ain't never
talk about South Central.
Ripped By mstoll
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5. Ain't never talk about
what happened to my brother.
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6. Now he's gone.
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7. Now I ain't got no brother.
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8. - Yo, dog.
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9. I'll be your brother.
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10. - Really?
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11. - Absolutely, dog.
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12. You're gonna need somebody
to lean on.
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13. You can't just be
walking around here
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14. with this emptiness
in your heart, man,
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15. an emptiness that can only
be filled by a brother.
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16. - Okay.
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17. - Brothers, man?
- Brothers!
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18. - Get it in here, dog.
- Come over here.
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19. - You got to get it in there,
dog.
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20. - I got to tuck it, man,
tuck it, tuck it, tuck it!
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21. - Brothers, man.
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22. Come here, man.
Why the fuck
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23. you keep following
me around, man?
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24. Why don't you go home
and stay out of my room?
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25. Don't mess with my models.
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26. I'm about to get a wedgie
up in this motherfucker
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27. right here.
- What the...
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28. What?
Fuck... hey! Hey!
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29. Get the fuck off me, man!
- Give me the wedgie...
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30. Hey.
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31. - Hey!
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32. You don't give a grown man
a wedgie.
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33. Motherfucker,
I'm 34 years old!
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34. I got grandchildren!
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35. - Hey!
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36. Thank you!
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37. Thank you.
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38. I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
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39. - And we are Key and Peele.
Thank you for coming out.
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40. - Yeah.
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41. You ever have a friend
that just
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42. uses the wrong slang
for the situation?
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43. Like, I know this dude
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44. who would just say things
way too harsh...
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45. - Mm-hmm.
- For making love...
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46. - Oof, yeah.
- Hooking up with a girl.
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47. - Were you
with Tiffany last night?
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48. - Yeah, man.
- Yeah.
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49. - You know that half-Ethiopian,
half-Chinese girl?
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50. - Yeah. Yeah.
I know.
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51. Oh, yeah.
How could I forget?
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52. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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53. Man, crushed it.
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54. Smashed it, smoshed it.
Crushed it.
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55. Krishity-krishity-krishity-
krishity-Krishna crushed it.
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56. There was that other girl
last week.
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57. - Yeah.
- Half-Paraguay, half-Uruguay?
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58. - I see. Yup.
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59. Yup. Yup.
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60. - Priz-nushed it.
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61. - Okay.
Okay.
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62. Are both of those ladies okay?
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63. - Yup, both those ladies.
- Okay.
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64. - Other girl, half-Russian,
half-Prussian.
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65. I was crushin'
a Russian-Prussian.
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66. - Whoa.
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67. - Man, I felt sorry
for that dude,
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68. but, you know,
what you gonna do?
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69. I had to lay
that shit down.
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70. You know I did, dog.
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71. - What?
That nigga laid you down.
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72. - Hey, brother, I don't know
what fight you was at.
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73. That nigga got
a couple licks in, sure.
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74. But pfft, I was like, bip!
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75. - Man, I put the pussy
on the chainwax.
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76. I put the pussy on the...
The chainwax.
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77. - I put the pussy
on the chainwax.
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78. I put the pussy
on the chainwax.
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79. - Pussy on the chainwax?
- Hmm?
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80. - Is that a thing?
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81. - Well, yeah.
That... yeah.
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82. That's a... that's a thing.
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83. - Yeah.
- Yeah, that's something.
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84. - Okay.
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85. - Yeah, I put the pussy
on the chainwax.
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86. - Pussy on the chainwax!
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87. - I said I put the pussy
on the chainwax!
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88. - He put the pussy
on the chainwax.
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89. - Pussy on the chainwax.
- Pussy on the chainwax.
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90. - Uh, pussy coming in.
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91. This is the chainwax.
- Hold up.
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92. Hold up.
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93. I just, um, Googled
"pussy on the chainwax."
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94. No results.
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95. - Man, um,
why are you Googling?
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96. - No, I'm just saying.
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97. "Pussy on the chainwax,"
it's not an expression.
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98. - Ye... yeah it is.
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99. - Yeah, it is.
- Yes, thank you.
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100. - It's something.
- Leo, Yeah.
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101. - What it... what it...
what does it mean then?
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102. - What does it mean?
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103. I'll tell you what it means.
- Do it, do it.
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104. - It means that...
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105. is that you put the...
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106. Pussy on the chainwax!
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107. - Nope, nope.
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108. Pussy on the chainwax!
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109. - It's not... don't...
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110. - Pussy on the chainwax!
- Pussy on the chainwax.
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111. - Acting like y'all know
what it is...
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112. Okay, have either
of the two of you...
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113. have you ever said the words
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114. "pussy on the chainwax"
in any context?
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115. - Pfft, us?
- Pfft.
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116. He... he talking to you.
- Man...
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117. - He ain't talking to me.
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118. - Hey, man.
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119. It's not our fault
that you ain't never put the...
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120. Pussy on the chainwax!
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121. - Pussy on the chainwax!
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122. - No one can put the pussy
on the chainwax
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123. 'cause pussy on the chainwax
ain't a thing!
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124. You trying to start a thing,
aren't you?
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125. - Wha... me...
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126. I mean, what are you talking
about, trying to start a thing?
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127. - A thing,
like "off the hook"
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128. or "I'ma put you on blast."
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129. You trying to get it
in the ether,
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130. so everybody out there saying
"pussy on the chainwax."
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131. - Man, why are you
doing this?
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132. Why you looking up
shit I'm saying and...
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133. and fact-checking my ass
and shit?
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134. - You keep saying some shit
that doesn't exist,
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135. and you got Thing One
and Thing Two
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136. corroborating your story
like it does,
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137. and then...
why you lying then?
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138. It's bullshit!
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139. - Bodie...
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140. Why do you care so much
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141. whether I made up
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142. "pussy on the chainwax" or not?
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143. I lost my job.
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144. My girl left me.
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145. And all I w...
all I wanted to do
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146. was have a little bit of fun
with my friends today.
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147. So why... why do you ha...
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148. why do you have to belittle me
like that?
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149. - It's just that l...
- Yeah?
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150. - I'm just trying to say...
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151. - What you trying to say,
nigga?
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152. - I'm trying to say
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153. that I want
to put the pussy...
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154. On the chainwax!
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155. - He did it, yo.
He put the...
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156. Pussy on the chainwax!
- Yeah!
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157. - So, uh, yeah.
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158. I got, like,
30-something followers.
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159. I'm up to, like,
15 tweets a day.
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160. So if you wanted to, um,
follow... all right.
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161. - No, no, no, no!
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162. - What?
- They hating on the Hathaways.
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163. - They hating on the Hathaways?
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164. - They straight hating
on Annie Hathaways.
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165. - That's your girl, dog!
- I know that's my girl, dog.
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166. - Annie Hathaways
from Devll Wears Pradas?
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167. - They hating on her.
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168. - Nlcholas Nlcklebys?
- Straight hating!
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169. - Les Mlsérables?
- Les Mlsérables!
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170. Oh, man.
- No, what?
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171. - Why you be hating on that?
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172. - How do you be hating
on the Hathaways?
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173. - I do not know!
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174. - 'Cause that's your girl, dog!
- That's my girl with the...
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175. I've been rolling
with the Hathaways
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176. since Prlncess Dlarles!
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177. - Shh.
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178. You was there since day one!
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179. - Man, you know I be loving me
some Prlncess Dlarles 2:
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180. The Royal Engagement!
- You got the Blu-ray!
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181. - And I got that on DVD
and LaserDisc and VHS, man.
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182. - Pfft.
- Rachel Gettlng Marrled though.
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183. - What? Uh-uh.
- Mm-mm.
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184. - Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
- Rachel Gettlng Marrled.
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185. - Rachel Gettlng Marrled,
though?
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186. - Rachel Gettlng Marrled,
though.
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187. - Yo, do you love
Anne Hathaways?
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188. - I do!
- Come on.
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189. Hathaways!
- Come on, man.
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190. And the Oscar goes to...
- Annie Hathaways.
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191. Crackhead killed her brother!
- That's right.
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192. Come on.
- Broken Back.
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193. - Okay, Broken Backs.
Broken Backs.
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194. - Talking about
"Broken Back Mountain."
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195. - That's right.
Broken backs, dog!
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196. I'm married
to Jake Jiggling-halls.
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197. - Uh, Giggling-thalls?
- Thank you.
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198. I stand corrected.
So wait. You know what?
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199. - I didn't like that one.
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200. - That was not
my shit, though.
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201. "Broken Backs"
was not my shit.
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202. - But she was good in that.
- She was good, though,
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203. playing that confident
Texas businesswoman.
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204. Talk about straight up,
"You know what?
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205. I'm struggling
with my husband's sexuality."
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206. - She kept her integrity
at the same time
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207. as showing her breasteses.
- That's a delicate balance.
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208. That's a delicate balance.
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209. - Why was you hating
on the Hathaways?
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210. - But why would you be hating
on the Hathaways?
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211. - Confident woman in Hollywood
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212. whose sole character flaw
is that she cares too much!
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213. - She cares too much!
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214. - It's that she cares too much!
- Yeah, she care too much!
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215. - Come on!
- Come on!
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216. - You know
who they never be hating on?
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217. - Who's that, dog?
- Sandra Bullocksies.
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218. - Sandra Bullocksies.
- She's my girl,
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219. and they never be hating
on her.
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220. - That's your girl right there.
Straight up there.
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221. Sandra Bullocksies
your girl right there.
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222. Straight up.
- Do you know
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223. who should do a movie
together, though?
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224. - But who is that, dog?
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225. - Bullocksies and Hathaways!
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226. - You talking
about some Hathaway
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227. and some Bullocksies?
- No!
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228. I'm talking
about some Bullocksies
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229. and some Hathaways!
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230. - Let me just explain
what I'm talking about, dog.
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231. I'm talking about some Hathaways
and some Bullocksies.
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232. No, you right.
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233. Bullocksies.
Hathaways.
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234. That would be my shit!
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235. - Oh.
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236. - Oh, you good?
- Yeah, I-I'm good.
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237. - I thought something
was gonna...
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238. - Me too. So...
- Happen for a second there.
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239. - Figured we would transform
in some way,
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240. shape, or form.
Okay.
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241. - That would be my shit!
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242. That would be my shit!
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243. - Who's the most dignified
black person in the world?
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244. Sidney Poitier.
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245. - Sidney.
- Sidney Poitier.
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246. Yeah. See? See?
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247. All I did was say his name,
and you start to clap.
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248. He is.
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249. He's the most graceful,
dignified man in the world.
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250. - Is who?
- Sidney Poitier.
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251. - Okay.
Gotta give it up.
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252. Gotta give it up.
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253. - You know who's on his way,
though?
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254. Morgan Freeman's on his way.
- Mm-hmm.
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255. - He's on, like, second-tiered
super dignity status.
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256. "Morgan Freeman.
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257. He's a frisky
little motherfucker."
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258. Well, you see Morgan Freeman
in public.
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259. He's got, like,
a leather jacket and jeans.
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260. - Yeah.
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261. "I still got it."
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262. - "Still got it."
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263. - Hello, everyone.
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264. I'm Joseph Carmichael.
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265. Otis is... was my father.
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266. But we are not here today
to mourn his death,
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267. but to celebrate his life.
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268. We knew Otis as a teacher,
a community leader,
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269. a role model, a husband,
and a father.
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270. Now, I thought
it would be nice
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271. to share something about him
y'all may not have known.
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272. When my father was younger,
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273. he was an actor
in Hollywood.
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274. Going through my dad's things,
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275. I found this reel of his work
as an actor.
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276. I haven't seen it yet,
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277. but I thought
it would be fun to watch,
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278. here with all of you today.
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279. Thank you.
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280. Where are my pies?
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281. Ribbles, where are the pies
I put on my windowsill?
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282. - Why, I don't know,
Mrs. Caruthers.
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283. Why would anyone
want to steal
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284. one of your delicious
blueberry pies?
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285. Hey.
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286. See to it you shine
those shoes up nice, boy.
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287. - Yes, sir,
you best be believing I will!
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288. I'll shine your shoes
blacker than my mama's booty.
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289. Ooga-booga!
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290. Ooga-booga shoo!
Ooga-booga shoo!
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291. Ooga-booga!
- Oh, hell no!
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292. - Ooga-booga shoo!
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293. - In 1964,
my father marched
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294. with Martin Luther King, Jr.
And Harry Belafonte
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295. along with other renowned
civil rights leaders.
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296. - The big boss of any company
is always, like, super carefree.
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297. - Right,
you got a cushy job.
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298. You're... you're the boss.
- Right.
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299. - Those are the guys
walking around,
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300. "Hey.
How's everybody doing?
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301. I'll be in my office."
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302. Yeah. Yeah.
- And my boss...
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303. I used to work
at the theater in Chicago,
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304. called the Second City,
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305. and my boss used to do
this thing with me all the time.
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306. Hey.
Hey, what's going on?
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307. - Hey.
- Hey.
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308. - Oh.
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309. - What are you up to?
What's going on?
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310. - Oh, just...
- Yeah.
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311. - Just, uh... in the...
Oh!
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312. - You hanging in there?
Things are good?
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313. - I'm hanging in there, yeah.
- Things are good?
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314. - Just been filing a sexual,
uh, harassment lawsuit.
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315. - Oh, okay.
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316. Okay, all right.
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317. Good morning, Tom.
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318. Jason.
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319. How you doing there, Dave?
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320. Crystal, Tommy.
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321. Good morning, Jake.
How are you?
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322. - Pretty good, Kenny.
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323. - Yeah, yeah.
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324. Uh, you know,
so early in the morning,
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325. I'm sorry to be
the bearer of bad news,
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326. but, uh, you know how I was
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327. supposed to work late tonight?
- Mm-hmm.
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328. - Well, I got to run this errand
for Mr. Mahina,
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329. and he says that you're gonna
have to cover for me,
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330. so there it is.
I don't nee... I'm sorry.
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331. Dropped the ax.
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332. Okay, so...
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333. - Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
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334. - Again.
- Yeah.
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335. So... oh, you know what?
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336. Just remembered.
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337. Mr. Mahina also...
almost slipped my mind...
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338. wants us to, uh,
change parking spaces.
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339. - What?
- Yeah.
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340. M-me personally?
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341. I enjoy
the nine-minute walk,
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342. but, uh, he said
that we have to do it.
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343. Believe it.
I hate it as much as you do.
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344. - What are you gonna do?
- Nothing you can do.
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345. - Mr. Mahina said it...
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346. - Mahina.
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347. - This whole situation
has been Mahina-nized.
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348. - It just seems
a little confusing to me
Copy !req
349. as to why Mr. Mahina
Copy !req
350. would give a fuck
where we park.
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351. - How's that?
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352. - I mean, why would he care
where we park?
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353. - I-I don't know the answer
to that question.
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354. I-I mean, that's...
It's just what he said.
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355. He... Hey, the Mahina works
in mysterious ways.
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356. - You know what, I'm gonna
ask him myself 'cause...
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357. - No, that's okay!
I'll do it!
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358. Uh, Mr. Mahina, sir,
I know you're busy,
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359. but can I speak to you
about the parking switch?
Copy !req
360. - What is there to talk about,
Kenny?
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361. I told you and Jake
to switch parking spaces!
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362. Don't you know who I am?
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363. I am Mr. Mahina,
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364. and I'm a real,
real person in here!
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365. Now, you get the hell
out of my office!
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366. - Wow.
Did you hear that?
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367. It was crazy in there.
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368. I mean, that was...
whew, tense.
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369. - Yeah.
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370. You know
what's really crazy, though?
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371. I've been working here
for about a year,
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372. and I've never even
seen Mr. Mahina.
Copy !req
373. - Well, see, now that's...
that's an easy one to answer.
Copy !req
374. That's because he comes in
before you come into work,
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375. and he's still working
when you leave.
Copy !req
376. That's what makes him
Mr. Mahina, you know, come on.
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377. We're talking
about Mr. Mahina here, right?
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378. It makes perfect sense.
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379. You know, I bet...
- Mm-hmm.
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380. - The hardworking boss
Copy !req
381. would love to meet
a hardworking employee,
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382. you know,
who shares the same values,
Copy !req
383. so I'm gonna go ahead
and just introduce myself...
Copy !req
384. - No, no! Uh...
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385. You can't go
into Mr. Mahina's room.
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386. Are you crazy?
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387. No one except me
is allowed to go in there.
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388. Mr. Mahina is busy!
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389. - Okay, fine.
You made your point clear, man.
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390. - Thank you very much, Jake.
I think it's best...
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391. - And what?
- Wait, no, Jake! Wait, Jake!
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392. - Come on, man.
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393. - What?
Question my existence, will you?
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394. - When that witch turned me
into a mop creature,
Copy !req
395. it didn't mean that people...
- I'll have that end of the year
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396. report to you by 10:00.
Copy !req
397. - Freeze!
Police.
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398. Hands up.
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399. Turn around slowly.
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400. Okay, buddy.
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401. Do not move a muscle.
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402. Up! Up!
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403. Get your hands back up.
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404. No, raise them.
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405. Up, hands up, now!
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406. No, no m... stop!
Copy !req
407. I said no moving.
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408. Put your foot down.
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409. That's good.
Copy !req
410. Now, easy does it.
No!
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411. Don't pick
your other foot up!
Copy !req
412. Put that down.
Put your foot down!
Copy !req
413. Put your foot down.
There we go.
Copy !req
414. No, do not
pick the other one up.
Copy !req
415. Put that one down.
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416. Put your foot down.
No, not...
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417. put them both down
at the sa... okay.
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418. Now you're just walking.
Stop walking!
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419. Now!
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420. St... no walking!
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421. I want you to stop walking
right now.
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422. Do not get near that car.
Wait, get away from it.
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423. No, don't go
near that car.
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424. Don't open that door!
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425. Do not open that door!
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426. Don't open it.
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427. Do not open the car door!
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428. Don't you open that door.
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429. Don't!
Do not get in that car.
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430. Freeze!
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431. Your butt better not
hit that seat.
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432. The... okay.
Stay... get... get out of there.
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433. Get out of the car right now.
No, you don't.
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434. Don't you dare reach
for that glove compartment.
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435. Don't reach
for that glove compartment!
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436. Get away
from the glove compartment!
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437. Get your hand away
from the glove compartment!
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438. Don't you open it!
Do not grab that gun!
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439. Whatever you do, dude,
you better not grab that gun.
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440. You better not
grab that gun.
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441. Do not pull that gun on me.
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442. Put that down!
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443. Don't you pull that gun on me.
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444. No, hey.
Put that down.
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445. Don't do it!
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446. Damn it!
God damn it!
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447. Damn it.
Not again.
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448. - Hey, hey. How you doing?
- How you doing?
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449. - What's going on?
- Hey, what's up?
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450. - How you doing, man?
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451. - Come on...
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452. Come on.
What are you doing?
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453. Hey. Hey, come on, man!
Stop it.
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454. Stop it, stop it!
- Hey, hey.
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455. - Stop it.
- Hey, hey.
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456. That's fun.
- That's fun, I like it!
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457. - I'm having a fun time.
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458. - Ow!
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459. You're big!
You're big!
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460. - Hey, hey!
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461. - I know you, I know you!
- Oh, yeah, I remember you.
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462. - I think I like you.
Let me...
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463. - Yeah.
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464. No! No! No!
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465. - Hey, what you eating?
What are you eating?
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466. - Get the fuck away
from me.
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467. - Oh, but that's food.
- Fuck off.
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468. - That's food, though.
- Fuck off!
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469. - Damn.
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470. I like that.
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471. I like the way you look.
You looking good to me.
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472. You a dude, sorry.
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473. - That's okay!
It happens!
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474. - Hey! What's up there?
Is there something up there?
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475. - Yes, yes.
- Is it up there?
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476. Hey, come here!
- I want to eat you in my mouth.
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477. - You're up there!
You are up there!
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478. - I want to eat you in my mouth.
- No! No! Get out!
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479. Get out of here!
Go, you can't have it!
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480. - I want to eat it!
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481. - I see you!
Come here!
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482. - It has been
a wonderful season,
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483. and you have been
a wonderful crowd,
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484. and thank you so much.
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485. We appreciate your passion.
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486. We appreciate you guys watching
the show and being fans,
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487. because without you,
we do not have a show.
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488. - You know what I want to do?
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489. - Well, I know
what you want to do.
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490. - I want to put the...
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491. Pussy on the chainwax!
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492. - Oh, yeah.
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493. - This is Sidney Poitier...
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494. Ordering fast food.
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495. Please pour me some Mr. Pibbs.
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496. That's it.
That's the whole thing.
Ripped By mstoll
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