1. - Okay, that's the least
of my worries
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2. in episodes I, II, and III,
by the way.
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3. - Oh, you're talking
about George Lucas
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4. and how he's been completely
seduced by C.G.I.
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5. Oh, shit!
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6. - Paint?
- This is a new shirt.
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7. - Are you kidding me?
- Damn!
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8. - Damn.
- Oh, God...
Ripped By mstoll
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9. - That sucks.
- This is so...
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10. Look at this.
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11. It's like I got
two little paint titties
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12. on my shirt now.
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13. What are you looking at?
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14. - Hmm?
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15. What?
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16. - Dude, my eyes are up here.
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17. - Yeah.
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18. Eyes.
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19. - Wha...
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20. Dude, what are you doing?
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21. It's paint.
What are you doing?
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22. - Come on, we've had a good time
today, haven't we?
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23. You know?
We hung out the whole day.
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24. - It's paint!
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25. Paint!
It comes off. See?
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26. See how that comes off, huh?
- Yeah.
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27. Yeah. Yes.
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28. - Oh, dude, stop it.
Just stop it.
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29. - You want me to stop it,
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30. then stop licking
your little titties.
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31. - They're not real titties.
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32. - What?
- Oh...
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33. - Really? Twice?
- Unbelievable.
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34. - Hello, ladies.
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35. Yeah.
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36. - Whoa!
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37. Thank you!
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38. - All right.
- Thank you.
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39. Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
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40. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
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41. Thank you for coming out.
- Yeah, thank you for coming.
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42. There is a real-life dude
named Silverberry Mouhon.
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43. Silverberry
is his first name.
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44. Like, his mom just watched
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45. Wllly Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory...
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46. - Have you been paying attention
to players' names?
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47. Real life beat us this year.
- Yeah.
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48. You guys know this guy
from L.S.U., right?
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49. Barkevious Mingo.
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50. - That's a real dude.
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51. - And I don't if you know this,
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52. but Barkevious Mingo
has a brother
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53. by the name
of Hughtavious Mingo.
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54. - You know what
the most ridiculous one?
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55. There's a dude named
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56. Wonderful Terrific Monds II.
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57. - No.
- That's a real dude, Keegan.
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58. That's a real dude.
- What?
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59. - I'm Dave Sasson
alongside Jeff Worthing,
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60. and welcome to the 2013
East/West Bowl,
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61. where we're going
to be watching
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62. some of the best college
athletes in the nation
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63. try to put last year's
spectacle to shame.
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64. - That's right, Dave.
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65. It won't be easy,
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66. but this year's seniors
certainly will be trying
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67. to give last year's stars
a run for their money.
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68. Let's check out the teams,
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69. starting with the players
from the east.
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70. - Coznesster Smiff,
Rutgers University.
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71. - Elipses Corter,
University of Alabama.
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72. - Nyquillus Dillwad, L.S.U.
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73. - Bismo Funyuns,
Florida State University.
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74. - Decatholac Mango,
Georgia Tech University.
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75. - Mergatroid Skittle,
University of Louisville.
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76. - Quiznatodd Bidness,
University of Tennessee.
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77. - D'pez Poopsie, Ole Miss.
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78. - Quackadilly Blip,
Auburn University.
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79. - Goolius Boozler, the "U."
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80. - Bisquiteen Trisket,
University of Michigan.
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81. - Fartrell Cluggins,
University of Arkansas.
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82. - Blyrone Blashinton,
Syracuse.
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83. - Cartoons Plural,
Virginia Tech.
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84. - Jammie Jammie-Jammie,
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85. the Ohio State University.
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86. - Fudge.
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87. - Some of the big stories
this year...
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88. the meteoric rise
of D'pez Poopsie,
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89. and let's not forget
about Heisman winner
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90. Jammie Jammie-Jammie.
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91. - And remember, you can't talk
about 2013
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92. without bringing up Fudge.
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93. Everybody's talking
about Fudge.
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94. At 350 pounds,
this running back
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95. is almost unstoppable
the whole year.
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96. - You're right. I could talk
about Fudge all day.
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97. But first, let's meet
the players from the west.
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98. - Equine Ducklings,
Indiana University,
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99. Purdue University,
Indianapolis.
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100. - Dahistorius Lamystorius,
Utah State University.
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101. - Ewokoniad Sigourneth
Juniorstein,
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102. Oklahoma State University.
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103. - Eqqsquizitine
Buble-Schwinslow,
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104. University of Nebraska.
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105. - Huka'lakanaka
Hakanakahcckalucka'hukahakafaka,
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106. University of Hawaii.
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107. - King Prince Chambermaid,
Baylor University.
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108. - Ladennifer Jadaniston,
University of Colorado.
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109. - Ladadadaladadadadada
Dala-Dadaladaladalada,
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110. University of Arizona.
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111. - Harvard University,
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112. Devry University.
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113. Army/navy surplus store.
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114. - Wingdings, online classes.
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115. Firstname Lastname,
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116. College University.
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117. - God,
homeschool.
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118. - Squeeeeeeeeeps,
Santa Monica College.
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119. Benedict Cumberbatch,
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120. Oxford University.
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121. - A.A. Ron Balakay,
Morehouse College.
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122. - Latrell?
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123. - What's up, baby girl?
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124. - Can you please turn
that off?
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125. - Why, you don't like my music?
- Is it music?
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126. Because it sounds like
a bunch of sex noises
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127. over a bass line.
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128. - Oh.
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129. I get it.
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130. You don't like my music
'cause I'm gay.
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131. You can't handle
a gay man's music.
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132. - No, no, no.
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133. It's... I'm trying to work here,
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134. and that music
is weirdly sexual.
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135. - Oh, I see.
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136. So my sexuality is weird.
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137. You just can't fathom a man
being attracted
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138. to another man.
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139. - I can fathom it.
It's...
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140. Can you just please listen
to some other gay music,
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141. like Barbra Streisand
or something...
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142. - Oh, I see, I see.
Okay.
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143. So listening
to Barbra Streisand is gay.
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144. Stereotype much?
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145. So you seeing
anybody lately?
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146. - Yeah, I-I mean, kind of.
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147. I think...
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148. - 'Cause I got it good
last night.
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149. Oh, it was like, damn!
I mean, my man was like, blop!
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150. Like he had a baby arm
holding on to a apple.
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151. - Aw, don't call it
a baby arm.
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152. - Aw.
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153. I see.
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154. So you can't handle hearing
about how I'm gay.
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155. I'm sorry.
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156. - You just referred
to your boyfriend's penis
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157. as a baby's arm
holding an apple.
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158. - Well, that's what
it looked like.
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159. And it's not my boyfriend,
by the way.
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160. And "anywhats,"
you're homophobic.
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161. - No, no, no.
That's not homophobic, okay?
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162. You're explicitly talking
about sexual things
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163. in the workplace.
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164. - Fine.
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165. There's plenty of stuff
that we can talk about.
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166. You know, uh, my penis cup,
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167. my scrotum cozies that I have
been knitting recently...
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168. oh, with these knitting needles
that I have just noticed
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169. look like little, skinny,
purple penises,
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170. et cetera and et cetera.
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171. - Oh, my God.
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172. - Can I show you a picture,
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173. and then you tell me
if it's good for Facebook?
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174. - Okay, I'm fairly certain
you're going to show me
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175. something overtly sexual.
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176. - Don't you prejudge me!
Here it is.
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177. - Agh! Fuck!
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178. That's a close-up
of an anus.
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179. - Oh, no, that's not an anus.
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180. That's my anus, baby girl.
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181. - That's disgusting.
- Oh, I see.
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182. So you don't want to see
a close-up picture of my anus
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183. 'cause you hate gay men.
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184. - No.
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185. I don't want to look
at a close-up picture
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186. of anyone's anus.
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187. - Homophobe.
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188. Homophobe.
There's a homophobe right here.
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189. Ho...
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190. Homophobe alert!
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191. Homophobe!
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192. - Hey.
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193. - Hey, baby.
How's it going?
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194. - Good.
Ready to go to lunch?
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195. - Yeah.
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196. Uh, Latrell, this is Gavin.
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197. Gavin, this is Latrell.
This is my boyfriend.
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198. - How you doing?
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199. - I'm... I'm...
I'm doing very well.
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200. How... how are you doing,
Gavin... Gavin?
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201. - Great. Want to go?
- Yeah.
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202. - Nice to meet you.
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203. - No, trust me.
It's not.
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204. - No?
- That's the guy.
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205. - Oh.
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206. - Oh...
I get it.
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207. I'm not persecuted.
I'm just a asshole.
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208. Ah.
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209. - Something that fascinates us
to no end
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210. are religious cults.
- Mm-hmm.
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211. - They're crazy,
because that's job security
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212. for the leader...
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213. - Yes.
- No matter what.
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214. That's the best job
in the world.
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215. You make up all the rules
as you go,
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216. lots of ladies.
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217. - The Lord has declared
I get a backrub at 2:00.
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218. - All right.
- That's...
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219. - I just... you can do
anything you want.
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220. - We will now pass around
the Communion of Lemonheads.
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221. That's not...
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222. - My concern with cults...
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223. if your messiah looks
more like Jesus than Jesus...
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224. - Mm-hmm.
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225. - Put on the brakes.
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226. - If your messiah smells
more like Jesus
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227. than Jesus...
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228. If your messiah looks like
that man right there...
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229. - Ohm.
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230. - Rick Nicklesby reporting live
from a gruesome scene.
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231. A cult known as Q.E.T.,
or Quest for Eternal Truth,
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232. has apparently taken their
own lives in a mass suicide.
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233. Police confirm that
cyanide-laced cherry Kool-Aid
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234. was also on the premises.
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235. Excuse me. Hi.
Rick Nicklesby, Channel 6.
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236. Hi. Are you two
from the neighborhood?
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237. - Yes.
- No.
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238. - No.
- Yes.
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239. - Okay, were you two members
of the cult that lived here?
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240. - The cul... what cult?
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241. - What?
- Was this a cult right here?
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242. - Cult?
- I had no idea this was a cult.
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243. - No way.
- A cult?
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244. - Although I will say,
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245. the term "cult"
is a little judgmental.
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246. - I would say
the same thing, yeah.
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247. - Not knowing the full doctrine.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
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248. - Well, apparently,
they believed that there was
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249. a spaceship waiting for them
behind the moon.
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250. - Okay, well, you know,
that still is really possible.
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251. - Not completely crazy.
- It's possible, right?
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252. I mean, who knows what is
out there in the universe?
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253. - Anything could be
behind the moon.
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254. - Okay, well, it appears
they killed themselves
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255. in order to board the ship.
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256. - Right, and that's where
we disagreed with them,
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257. right there,
or would have...
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258. we would have disagreed
with them
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259. had we been there
on our departure day...
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260. their departure day.
Their departure day!
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261. - Yeah.
- Which is the day
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262. that they did this.
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263. I mean, that's what you
could call it,
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264. if you wanted to...
I ain't in no cult.
Copy !req
265. - No, I mean, what I always
wondered is how...
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266. or am starting to wonder,
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267. since you brought this
to our attention...
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268. why... if there was a spaceship
in the sky,
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269. why wouldn't it just
beam us up... beam them up?
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270. - Right, just beam 'em...
just beam them up.
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271. Why can't you just
beam them up alive?
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272. Why you got to be dead
to get beamed up?
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273. You know what I'm saying?
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274. I've been saying that
for weeks... seconds.
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275. For seconds, 'cause...
because you, Rick Nicklesby,
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276. you told us that,
you know,
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277. and that's how I knew,
because...
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278. - 15 seconds ago.
- 15 seconds ago, you said it.
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279. I didn't know anything about it
until you said it,
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280. 'cause I ain't in no cult.
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281. - Okay, then why would someone
join a cult?
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282. - Compelling leadership.
- Charismatic leader.
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283. Like, a compelling...
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284. - Taco Tuesdays.
- A person...
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285. - Taco Tuesdays.
- Taco Tuesdays.
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286. - I mean, hypothetically,
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287. they could have had tacos
on Tuesday,
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288. which would have been a draw.
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289. I mean, that would have been
a plus.
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290. - Okay, so this is
a tragic day
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291. for this community
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292. and for the members
of the Quest for Earthly Truth.
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293. I'm Rick Nicklesby reporting...
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294. Whoa.
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295. - You see?
- Yep.
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296. - You see?
- Uh-huh.
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297. Everybody jumped the gun.
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298. - We're ready!
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299. - Jordan and I lived together.
We lived together.
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300. Who was your landlord when
we lived in that apartment?
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301. - My landlord?
Um...
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302. - Did you ever meet
your landlord?
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303. - Russian lady.
- Some Russian lady.
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304. - Some Russian lady.
Never saw her.
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305. But I love the way... you always
say we were roommates for,
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306. uh, what, two months?
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307. - About two months, yeah.
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308. - We weren't roommates, though,
'cause I didn't get no rent.
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309. - Cleaning your bathroom...
- Yeah.
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310. - Is worth
about six months' rent.
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311. - That's true.
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312. - It's your landlord!
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313. - Hey, Devon.
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314. - Hey, how you doing, brother?
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315. How you doing?
Yeah.
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316. Just, uh, stopping by.
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317. Just wanted to check up
on everything.
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318. - Okay.
- Yeah... Aha!
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319. You in here,
you little motherfucker?
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320. Nope.
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321. Closet look good.
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322. Door is strong.
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323. So y'all settling in?
- Yeah.
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324. We've been living here
a year and a half, so we have.
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325. - So, uh, how are these
cupboards working out for you?
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326. Man, nobody in here...
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327. besides your stuff,
which looks good.
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328. - Thank you.
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329. - Completely unrelated...
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330. have y'all seen a 4'11" dude
with a purple beard up in here?
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331. - No. No.
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332. No, no one's in here...
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333. probably because we lock
the door.
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334. - Oh, he got the body
like a rat.
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335. He can just squeeze
through the vents.
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336. - Yeah.
Copy !req
337. So you think somebody's hiding
in my apartment?
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338. - No.
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339. I told you...
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340. it's just a social call.
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341. I mean, why would Gerald
be in here, anyway?
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342. - Gerald.
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343. There is a man
with a purple beard
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344. named Gerald in my apartment?
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345. - Hell, no!
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346. Why?
Did you see him?
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347. He about 4'9",
got a purple beard.
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348. - Yeah.
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349. - Hey, baby...
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350. - Ugh!
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351. This is... agh!
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352. Oh.
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353. Hey, baby girl.
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354. You ain't Gerald.
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355. Oh, by the by, have you seen
a 4'5" purple beard?
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356. - Baby...
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357. - Devon, what's going on?
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358. - Okay, you know,
I'm gonna level with all y'all.
Copy !req
359. There is a 4'3" nigga
With a purple beard named Gerald
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360. somewhere in this building.
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361. - Why does he keep getting
smaller
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362. every time you mention him?
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363. - Seriously?
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364. 'Cause I didn't want
to alarm y'all.
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365. He is disturbingly small,
really.
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366. He a good guy.
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367. He smoke rock, though.
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368. I mean, he'll do anything
to get money for crack.
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369. Anything.
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370. - Okay.
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371. - I mean anything.
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372. - I get it.
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373. - He will... murder you.
Copy !req
374. - Well, we certainly hope
you find him.
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375. - Oh, I'm gonna find him.
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376. Don't worry about that,
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377. 'cause I'm gonna look low,
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378. and then
I'm gonna look high.
Copy !req
379. - Gerald,
you tiny little bitch!
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380. Sorry for the inconvenience,
y'all.
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381. Gerald, when I get my hands
on you, you gonna be 2'3"!
Copy !req
382. - Welcome to Metta World News.
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383. In science news,
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384. it is impossible
to knock yourself out
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385. with your own fists.
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386. Let's not fall behind,
America.
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387. Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
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388. for this Wednesday,
biscuit, biscuit, biscuit.
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389. I'm Metta World Peace.
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390. Good night.
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391. You win, fish.
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392. Now I'm the one
in the aquarium.
Copy !req
393. - How many dads
do we have here?
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394. A few dads?
Copy !req
395. All right.
Copy !req
396. The best thing
about being a father
Copy !req
397. is the mother.
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398. - It's the mom.
- Right?
Copy !req
399. It's the mother.
Copy !req
400. Because of moms,
Copy !req
401. dads have the default phrase,
right?
Copy !req
402. - What'd your mother say?
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403. - L... well, l...
yeah, I didn't ask her yet.
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404. That's why I came to you,
'cause...
Copy !req
405. - Don't do that.
Copy !req
406. - If the kid comes to the dad,
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407. the dad should already
just extrapolate
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408. that Mom
was gonna say no.
Copy !req
409. - 'Cause you know the dad's made
that mistake before
Copy !req
410. and got the kid some shit,
Copy !req
411. had to walk
into his wife's room,
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412. talking about...
Copy !req
413. - Slingshots?
Copy !req
414. - They had done
some Jedi mind tricks.
Copy !req
415. They told me you said
they could have it.
Copy !req
416. - They used
the Jedi mind trick?
Copy !req
417. - They used
the Jedi mind trick, man.
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418. - You'll never have sex again.
- Aw, man.
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419. D-dad? Dad?
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420. Dad!
Copy !req
421. - Hey, what's wrong, man?
Copy !req
422. - I was having a nightmare.
Copy !req
423. - Oh, again?
Copy !req
424. What, you want to talk about it?
- I miss Mommy.
Copy !req
425. - Hey, I know.
I know.
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426. It's... hey, me too.
Me too, pal.
Copy !req
427. - Come here, man.
Copy !req
428. - It's all right.
Hey, it's okay.
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429. It's gonna be okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
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430. - I just don't want anything
to ever happen to you.
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431. - Happen to me?
Copy !req
432. Hey, come on, man, ain't nothing
ever gonna happen to me.
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433. - Really?
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434. - Y-yeah.
That's what I said.
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435. So, yes.
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436. That, um, nothing ever gonna
happen to me.
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437. And you ain't never
gonna have to worry
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438. about nothing
happening to me.
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439. - But... but... what if...
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440. What if you got hit by a car
or something?
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441. - That's impossible,
because I will never die,
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442. s-so I can't...
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443. die, no matter what.
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444. - You can't die?
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445. But I thought
all human beings died.
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446. - That's true.
That's true.
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447. That's science,
so that's true.
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448. But I am lucky,
'cause I am not a human.
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449. - You're not?
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450. - I never told you about this?
- No.
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451. - Hey, you know,
I'll just let it out.
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452. I'm from a planet called
L-la... Thelonious,
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453. and the thing is,
it was being destroyed.
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454. - All right.
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455. - That's what happened.
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456. My... was... I was sent down
here in... in...
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457. in a capsule to earth
by my parents.
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458. - Oh, like Superman.
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459. - Superman, yep.
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460. That is what
it is exactly like, except...
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461. Oh, here's the thing
about my version.
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462. Only one superpower...
immortality.
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463. - Oh.
- Yeah.
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464. So I'm tired.
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465. Daddy's tired.
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466. Can you...
Let's go to sleep, okay?
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467. - But I'm not going to live
forever, right?
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468. Because I'm only half-alien.
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469. So I'm gonna die.
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470. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
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471. You?
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472. You... you right
about yourself, ex...
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473. but...
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474. Ha ha ha!
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475. Here it is.
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476. This one slipped my mind.
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477. You can build with me
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478. an immortality machine
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479. to give you what I got
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480. from the remnants
of my spacecraft.
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481. So, yeah.
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482. - Wow.
- You gonna be immortal.
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483. You gonna be immortal.
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484. - Daddy, when are we gonna get
the remnants?
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485. - Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
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486. - Gonna get them tomorrow
during... work.
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487. Hey, you got anything
that looks like
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488. parts of a crashed spaceship?
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489. - Dead mom?
- Mm-hmm.
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490. - Mm-hmm.
Right this way.
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491. - Jordan...
so, Jordan, hey,
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492. you think we should say
good-bye?
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493. - What'd your mom say?
- Oh, jeez.
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494. Good night, everybody.
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495. - Good night.
- Whoo!
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496. - Oh, yeah.
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497. - You ever see a dude
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498. just surrounded by, like,
eight kids?
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499. Daddy, daddy, daddy,
daddy, daddy, daddy...
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500. - Come on, come on.
- Daddy, daddy, da...
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501. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
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502. What?
Ripped By mstoll
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