1. I want to know what's going on
with the huge woman,
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2. and I want to know
what the deal is
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3. - with the red witch lady.
- Yes.
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4. Yes.
Yes.
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5. I would too.
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6. You know what I'm saying?
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7. Straight out.
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8. No, but I mean, like,
have you?
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9. Have you... have you ever
slept with a black guy?
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10. No, but I really want to.
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11. Me too!
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12. Apparently, it is, like,
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13. a whole other thing
than sleeping with white men.
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14. Oh, no, no.
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15. I heard they're
supposed to be, like,
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16. way better at it
or something.
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17. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard that too.
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18. I wonder if it's
'cause they have,
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19. like... like, better rhythm,
you know?
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20. Right, 'cause
they're really good dancers.
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21. I mean, apparently,
they have, like, bigger...
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22. Oh, way bigger penises, right?
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23. Yeah.
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24. I guess that's
because of Africa?
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25. Yeah, like,
I feel like they're just...
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26. they're, like, really
with you in the moment.
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27. Hmm.
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28. Like, if they're gonna
be with you,
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29. they're in the here and now.
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30. Exactly. Exactly.
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31. Because they know that
they basically have no future.
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32. I know.
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33. - Think about it.
- It's so sad.
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34. Think about it!
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35. I do feel like they treat
their women with just, like,
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36. a little bit
more compassion, though.
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37. Yeah,
like, respect and stuff.
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38. Oh, because their dads
were never around!
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39. Oh, right, and they also have
a lot of time on their hands
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40. 'cause even if they have kids,
they never go visit them.
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41. Oh, please. Totally.
Baby daddy?
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42. - That's a thing.
- Oh.
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43. That's in the dictionary now
because of black people.
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44. See?
Ser-i-ou-sly.
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45. Apparently, black guys just know
how to please white women.
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46. Right? Just, like,
way more than white men.
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47. Oh, well, it's probably
in their blood
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48. 'cause they're used
to pleasing their white masters.
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49. Whaaat?
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50. - Okay. Okay.
- Yeah!
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51. - Law of the jungle, right?
- Totally.
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52. I am so desperate
to find out for myself.
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53. Me too.
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54. - Right?
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55. - Okay, um, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom...
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56. Okay.
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57. And I swear to you,
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58. if there is a black guy back there,
I'm gonna blow him.
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59. Get it!
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60. So, unrelated, I now
have to go to the bathroom,
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61. uh, because I've been
drinking coffee all day.
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62. So I will be back
in a little while.
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63. Well, you know what?
Let... Let me go first.
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64. I'll be about 30 seconds.
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65. Ooh, ow.
I hit my penis there.
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66. I'm sorry.
I don't have any money, sir.
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67. Okay.
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68. Hey!
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69. Thank you so much.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
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70. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
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71. Yes.
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72. Thank you for coming out
tonight.
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73. Thank you.
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74. So this is
a little-known fact.
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75. Keegan's wife
is a dialect coach.
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76. Yes, it's a source
of ambivalence for me
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77. because I want her
to have her job
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78. and I want her to thrive,
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79. but there's just a bunch
of British people
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80. just coming through my house,
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81. learning American accents
and taking all our jobs.
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82. So I'm just standing
in the living room,
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83. and these dudes are walking
about like, "Cheerio."
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84. "Yeah, you."
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85. - Tea bag.
- Right.
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86. But all right, I want to...
I'm gonna throw you
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87. through a little bit
of a wheel of accents.
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88. - Just give you a little test.
- The wheel of accents.
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89. Italian!
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90. Oh, Italian.
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91. It's the... is the one
for me to do.
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92. Yeah. German!
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93. The German is very exact.
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94. - Cockney.
- Cockney's, like, down here,
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95. and it's with the back
of your "froat."
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96. Yeah.
You know what I mean?
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97. You guys must have
some crazy role-play sex.
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98. We do. Yeah.
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99. Just give me an Australian.
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100. All right, I can do it.
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101. Yes, yes.
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102. I can go Jamaican as well.
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103. Oh, that's even better!
That's even better!
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104. I can be a Jamaican.
Okay.
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105. Where do you want me from?
Oh, there it is.
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106. Where do you want me
to be from?
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107. - Oh, anywhere but you.
- Okay.
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108. Just anywhere...
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109. Can... Can you do two black guys
at a time?
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110. Can you just give me two?
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111. You sold me out, son.
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112. Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
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113. You can't play me,
mother.
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114. I'm the mother
that plays mothers,
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115. Mother.
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116. Cut.
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117. All right, everybody,
let's get reset.
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118. We're going again.
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119. Nigel, that's great.
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120. Oh, grea... smashing.
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121. Thank you so much.
Yeah.
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122. Top... Well, it's been
an absolute honor and...
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123. and what a great opportunity
to be here
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124. and be able
to play an American tough.
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125. Well, I'm just so glad
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126. that we got you
out of that BBC commitment
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127. so you could play with us, so.
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128. Cheers, mate.
Cheers, cheers.
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129. Antoine, listen.
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130. I'm just not buying
that you're someone
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131. that was born and raised
on the streets of Brooklyn.
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132. That's weird, 'cause, uh,
I actually was born and raised
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133. on the streets of Brooklyn.
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134. Oh.
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135. Oh.
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136. I was in a gang
and everything.
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137. Most of this stuff
actually happened to me.
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138. Wow. Okay.
Well, that's... that's...
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139. that's great for us,
'cause I want you to use it.
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140. Okay?
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141. It's a good first take.
Let's just, uh...
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142. - Mm-hmm.
- Let's get going it.
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143. Let's get...
Let's get going.
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144. Thank you, Jim.
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145. Scene five, take two.
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146. - And action.
- You sold me out, son.
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147. Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
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148. You can't play me,
mother.
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149. I'm the mother
that plays mothers,
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150. Mother.
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151. Cut. Cut.
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152. Okay.
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153. Uh, Nigel.
That was great.
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154. - Oh.
- Brilliant.
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155. Just, the way you move,
especially when you talk.
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156. I just really see this character
coming to life before my eyes.
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157. - Cheers, mate.
- It's fabulous.
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158. - Cheers.
- It's fabulous.
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159. Antoine,
your performance, um,
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160. It's just not quite
there yet, okay?
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161. I-I really need to see you
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162. make more
of a transformation, okay?
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163. Like... like Nigel, here.
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164. - That dude's British, so.
- Yeah.
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165. Antoine, if I might jump in
with a bit of advice?
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166. - I don't think I need that.
- No, no, no.
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167. Look.
Hear him out.
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168. Maybe you might want to try
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169. thinking of something
in the material
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170. that's similar to something
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171. that's happened
in your real life.
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172. - Hmm.
- For me, for instance,
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173. I like to think
of when me mum wanted me
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174. to attend prep school in Leeds
to become a barrister,
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175. but I wanted to study
the theater at Oxford.
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176. Thank God.
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177. And so that was a conundrum,
really, for me.
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178. I'm gonna stop you
right... right there,
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179. 'cause this is
just confusing me, right?
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180. Like, I don't need that,
'cause I am from the streets.
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181. I was in a gang.
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182. They told me
to kill my cousin.
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183. That might be
a bit spot-on, no?
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184. Yeah.
That's a bit spot-on.
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185. Do you have any stories
that involve your mum?
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186. What's a mum?
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187. Oh, dear.
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188. Scene five, take three.
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189. Okay.
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190. Antoine, remember.
You're a gangster!
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191. Okay?
Betrayal, the streets.
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192. Okay?
Nigel, you're perfect.
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193. Antoine, transform,
and action!
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194. You sold me out, son.
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195. Now you gonna get a bullet
up in your head for it.
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196. You can't play me,
mother.
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197. I'm the mother
that plays mothers,
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198. Mother.
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199. He's boring to watch.
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200. Cut.
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201. Oh, that does not
sound good.
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202. Thank you.
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203. Antoine, I do not feel
like you have found
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204. the emotional core
of this character.
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205. Man, this!
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206. Nobody is more real than me.
Okay?
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207. I come from the streets,
and nobody's gonna tell me
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208. what the streets is like...
nobody!
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209. You understand?
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210. That's a great speech.
I just wish that I believed it.
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211. - You want to give it a shot?
- Sure. I'll have a go.
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212. Man, this.
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213. - I'm as real as it gets.
- Yes.
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214. This streets
is for real.
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215. I'm up in there, man.
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216. - You are.
- I'm from the...
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217. from the ... from the earth
from these streets.
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218. - from the eart...
- S-Something to that effect.
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219. That is...
No, but I am so with...
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220. I am with you
when you say that,
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221. even when you're
saying the wrong words.
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222. I just wish
you could do that!
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223. You know what?
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224. Goodness.
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225. Okay, that hurts,
but I don't feel that it comes
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226. from the right emotional place
for the character.
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227. All right?
Here. Give it a shot.
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228. Give me... Watch.
Watch.
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229. That's... That's great.
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230. - I feel that in here...
- Thank you.
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231. - And in here, in my heart.
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232. That's very gracious of you
to say that.
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233. Try that again.
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234. I just... I don't...
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235. I don't believe you.
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236. You guys are familiar
with vanity videos, right?
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237. People who, like,
spend all of their money...
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238. all of their money...
to make a video
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239. in the hopes that someone...
I don't know who...
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240. is gonna discover them
on the Internet and go,
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241. - "This guy's got the goods!"
- Yeah!
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242. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
"I'm gonna make you famous!"
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243. "You got raw talent,"
and it's always...
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244. it's always some kind
of, like...
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245. some convoluted plot
that's like...
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246. - Yeah.
- Part one of a ten-part series.
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247. It's never gonna get finished.
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248. And it's always, like...
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249. It always looks something
like Game of Thrones.
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250. - Yes.
- Always.
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251. It's got, like...
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252. - It's just always...
- Wizards with orbs.
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253. Wizards in it and orbs.
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254. These homemade videos.
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255. It's always like this
fantasy, glam, like...
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256. It's just...
like, they're weird.
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257. - Steampunk.
- Yeah.
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258. Do we have any...
any steampunks here today?
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259. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
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260. You don't have your, uh,
umbrella with you today, sir.
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261. There's not a lot
of black steampunks out there.
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262. - No.
- Not a lot of...
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263. Ah, dudes talking about,
"Hey, man."
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264. Yeah.
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265. "I'm just representing
Jules Verne
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266. "in the mother."
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267. Don't stop pulling.
Never stop.
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268. Keep on pulling.
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269. Don't stop walking.
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270. Keep on walking.
Don't stop walking.
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271. Oh, my God.
Jahar, my friend.
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272. Yes, Rajim?
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273. We are a long way
from h-h-h-home.
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274. Every American woman
is more infidel
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275. - than the last, my friend.
- You're telling me.
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276. You're telling me,
my good friend, yes.
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277. Oh, there's a 9:00.
9:00. Here she comes.
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278. - Mm-blip.
- Shabloim!
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279. Okay.
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280. Come on.
Full-frontal face.
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281. - Only in America, baby.
- Only, only, only.
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282. - Only in America, huh?
- Come on, grab it.
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283. - What did you see?
- I want to grab...
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284. - What?
- I'm grabbing it.
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285. This is yours,
and then that is yours.
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286. What did you see?
What did you see?
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287. - I'll tell you what I saw.
- What?
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288. - I got to see her forearms.
- You got?
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289. - A little bit of the thigh.
- Yes. Oh, I saw this.
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290. And I definitely
got some ankle knot.
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291. - You got ankle knot?
- Oh, I got ankle knot.
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292. Oh, the w-w-whole
baba ghanoush, huh?
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293. You're telling me.
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294. It's like we've got
the X-ray visions.
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295. We are Superman.
We are Superman, huh?
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296. Oh!
Shh. Here we go.
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297. Here we go.
Here we go.
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298. Here we go, yeah.
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299. H-h-h-holy tabbouleh.
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300. Would you look
at the leg elbows on that one?
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301. - Mm-hmm.
- Whoo!
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302. I'll tell you what.
Ho, ho, ho!
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303. Ho, ho, ho!
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304. What I wouldn't do
for six seconds with her.
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305. Yes, you would!
Yes, you would!
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306. What would you do?
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307. I'm going to show you
right now.
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308. You're gonna show me?
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309. Spot me!
You got to spot me.
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310. Yes, I am here.
I am here.
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311. Let me tell you
what I would do right now.
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312. I would pump her full of iron,
you know,
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313. and then I would lift her
to the ceiling.
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314. - I'm her.
- Lift her to the ceiling.
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315. - I'm her.
- Working the body.
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316. Working the body.
Working the body.
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317. - Working the body.
- Do it the head.
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318. - Give it to the head.
- Get the head, get the head.
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319. - And you give it to the head.
- Ho! Ho! Belly button.
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320. - Belly button.
- We got belly button.
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321. - Dude, we got belly button.
- Oh, my... Oh, my God.
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322. That's belly button,
my friend.
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323. I couldn't believe
we saw the belly button.
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324. I've never seen the belly button
on a woman before.
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325. I thought it was a myth.
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326. Yes, it's like the butthole
of the belly.
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327. - Mm.
- Mm.
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328. Dig this.
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329. Oh, what I wouldn't do for a...
give me the...
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330. - Show me.
- Give me the ball.
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331. - Show me, show me.
- Give me the ball.
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332. - Show me, show me.
- I'm gonna show you right now.
Copy !req
333. I'm gonna show it to you
right now.
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334. - What you do? I'm ready.
- I get in here.
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335. - I'm ready.
- And then like this and go...
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336. Ho!
Come on, it feel good.
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337. I get over here
and then I get in there.
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338. - Oh, yeah!
- Grab the hair.
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339. I get into it.
I get into it!
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340. - Hold the hair.
- Hold the hair.
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341. Come on, switch.
Switch positions.
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342. - Let's do it.
- I'm gonna grab your hands.
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343. - Lock 'em on.
♪ I will show you the world
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344. Yes, princess, yes.
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345. Ah. Ooh.
Infidels.
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346. Homosexual American devils.
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347. Give them the whistle
of disapproval.
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348. I will right now.
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349. - That is my boy.
- That should teach them.
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350. That is my boy, huh?
Copy !req
351. Pawn shops
are an interesting place.
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352. Anybody who's ever...
here's ever been to a pawn shop?
Copy !req
353. That is a motley crew
of... of items.
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354. Yes.
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355. I mean, what do I want
when I walk into a pawn shop?
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356. I'll take that dartboard,
that spittoon,
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357. and that African mask,
if you know...
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358. The, like, saddest ones
are also in, like, Vegas
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359. 'cause you know that's where,
like, people are like,
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360. "Hey, man, I'm gonna be
right back for this.
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361. - Real... I swear to God."
- "Okay, yeah."
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362. "I'll be right back. How much
can you give me for it?"
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363. - "$5 for this saxophone."
- "All right.
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364. "I'll be back.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
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365. "I'm gonna triple my money
real quick, let's do it."
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366. "Just go over there
and they'll give you $5."
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367. "All right."
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368. That's, like,
the number for everything
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369. is, like... "This is
an actual samurai sword.
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370. - "You know."
- $5.
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371. "$5."
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372. "And this is
an unexploded atomic bomb."
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373. - Yeah.
- "$5."
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374. "This is a briefcase
with $1,000 in it."
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375. "$5."
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376. "$5?
How is that possible?"
Copy !req
377. Hey, man.
How you doing?
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378. You guys got bow and arrows?
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379. Yeah.
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380. Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's it.
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381. Yeah, there it is.
There.
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382. That'll do it.
That's gonna do it.
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383. Yup.
Where are the arrows at?
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384. Yeah.
You got... you guys got M80s?
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385. We don't carry fireworks.
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386. Damn!
You have, uh...
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387. You have something else
that's explosive
Copy !req
388. that I could tape
to the end of an arrow?
Copy !req
389. - We have shotgun shells, but...
- Uh-huh. Ooh.
Copy !req
390. I feel I have to ask,
Copy !req
391. are you planning
to attach those to arrows
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392. and use them as a weapon?
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393. What?
No. What?
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394. Are you crazy?
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395. You think
that would work though?
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396. What... What... What if I shot
explosive arrows
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397. through a window
to break 'em open?
Copy !req
398. Sir, I feel like
I have to ask you
Copy !req
399. what you're planning
to use these for.
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400. Oh, no, I'm not planning
to do anything.
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401. I'm just... this is
just Christmas shopping.
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402. I'm getting a...
You got zip lines?
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403. Nope.
Copy !req
404. But you got, like,
hooks and anchors and cables?
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405. We got
some of those things,
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406. but I do not recommend
manufacturing your own zip line.
Copy !req
407. Oh, I'm not doing that.
No.
Copy !req
408. Let's say somebody
was manufacturing
Copy !req
409. - their own zip line.
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
410. You think if they
had busted some windows open
Copy !req
411. on a building somehow,
Copy !req
412. Then fired the zip line
off a bow and arrow,
Copy !req
413. and it attached
to the wall of said building,
Copy !req
414. that they could just ride
the zip line into the building?
Copy !req
415. I have no idea.
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416. Sir, whatever you
are planning on doing,
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417. please don't do it.
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418. I'm not... I'm not...
I'm not doing anything.
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419. I'm just doing
some Christmas shopping,
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420. trying to get it
out of the way.
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421. You know, bow and arrows
for my nephew.
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422. The zip line's for my...
grandmother.
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423. Et cetera and whatnot.
You know what I'm saying there?
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424. It's nothing.
No big deal.
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425. Speaking of other things,
do you guys have
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426. just the, uh, top half
of a knight in armor?
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427. First of all,
it's called a suit of armor.
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428. Oh, yup, that's it.
That's right.
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429. - That's what I meant to say.
- We have one but it's sold...
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430. - Oh!
- As a complete set.
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431. - Yup. Yup.
- Yup.
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432. Yeah,
but the person it's for,
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433. they only need the...
they don't need the...
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434. they just need the top half.
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435. - they don't need the legs.
- Mm-hmm.
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436. Well, what if somebody
was shooting at you and...
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437. what are the chances you think
they'd try to shoot your legs?
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438. I feel
like I have to tell you
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439. that a suit of armor
will not deflect bullets.
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440. I'll take my chances...
with Christmas.
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441. Which brings me, uh,
to my next question.
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442. Do you guys
have roller skates?
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443. - I think we have a pair around.
- Uh-huh.
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444. Let me ask you a question.
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445. How fast do you think you'd have
to be going on roller skates
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446. to get past a couple
of armed guards
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447. and still be going fast enough
to smash through a safe door?
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448. - One of those big bank safes?
- No!
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449. I don... I don't know.
Yeah.
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450. Yeah? Uh...
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451. Hey, you guys got one of those,
you know, just one
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452. of those big bags with
a dollar sign on the side of it?
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453. Okay.
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454. Yeah?
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455. You're gonna shoot arrows with
shotgun shells attached to 'em
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456. to a bank window
to blow out the glass.
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457. then you're gonna shoot
a zip line through that window
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458. and you're gonna slide on
into the hallway.
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459. You're gonna be
wearing roller skates
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460. so you can just skate on past
the armed guards,
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461. who will be shooting at you,
and you're gonna hope
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462. that they both
won't hit your legs,
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463. and, if they are aiming
at your torso,
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464. the suit of medieval armor
will deflect the bullets.
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465. then you're gonna hope
to gather enough speed
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466. to burst through
the big bank vault
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467. at the end of the hallway
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468. where you're gonna
collect the money
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469. in a cartoon money bag.
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470. Well, no.
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471. I'm just an uncle who's buying
some for Christmas
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472. And I, uh, think I'll
take my business elsewhere.
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473. Merry Christmas.
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474. It's April.
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475. Welcome to Metta World News.
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476. Our top story, a professional
athlete should never post online
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477. looking for people
to live-action role play
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478. Hunger Games with them.
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479. I'm sorry,
Jerod, Cailey, and Zach.
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480. Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
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481. For this Wednesday, August
Microwave Wood Chipper.
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482. I'm Metta World Peace.
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483. Good night.
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484. Look at this one here.
Huh?
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485. - Look at this one here, huh?
- Beautiful lady.
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486. What I wouldn't do to her.
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487. You can see full chin cleavage
on this one, huh?
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488. Yeah, yeah.
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489. Good night, everybody.
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490. - Have a good one.
- Good night.
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491. Oh, yeah.
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