1. I'll tell you one thing...
When the UnsulliedCopy !req
2. make it to Westeros,
they're gonna annihilate people.Copy !req
3. Wait, wait, dude, hold up.Copy !req
4. - It's gonna be crazy.
- First of all, slow down.Copy !req
5. Second of all,
I'm not up to that yet.Copy !req
6. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, yeah.Copy !req
7. - I didn't know that.
- I will erase it.Copy !req
8. Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow.
I'm like, "peace."Copy !req
9. You know what I'm saying?
Like...Copy !req
10. Jordan, right now...
like, right now... you must listenCopy !req
11. to how this white dude
is talking to black people.Copy !req
12. Get out of my face
with yo Tommy Bahama ass.Copy !req
13. I'm trying to make
some big dough. I'm a DJ.Copy !req
14. - No, no.
- "I'm a DJ."Copy !req
15. I put that pussy
on the chain wax, son.Copy !req
16. He puts the pussy
on the chain...Copy !req
17. That's pathetic.
That's pathetic.Copy !req
18. What's up, girl?Copy !req
19. He's walking this way.
He's totally walking this way.Copy !req
20. Oh, no, I can't.
I can't. I can't.Copy !req
21. Just go with it, dude.
Just go with it.Copy !req
22. - Hey!
- I can't.Copy !req
23. Hey! how's it going?Copy !req
24. - Key and Peele, right?
- Good.Copy !req
25. So stoked you guys are here.
Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
26. You guys rock.
Awesome.Copy !req
27. Yo, Kevin,
Let me get some red vines!Copy !req
28. - Want to get out of here?
- Yep.Copy !req
29. Whoo!Copy !req
30. Whoo!Copy !req
31. Thank you so much.Copy !req
32. I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
33. - And I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
34. Thank you for coming out
tonight, everybody.Copy !req
35. Thank you for coming.Copy !req
36. You know what
we're fed up with?Copy !req
37. The news.Copy !req
38. Well, yes, we talk
about the news a lot.Copy !req
39. - The news is annoying to us.
- Right.Copy !req
40. The way that the news stations
are getting their news nowCopy !req
41. is just basically
from the internet.Copy !req
42. Yeah, yeah, it's like
they're checking their iPadsCopy !req
43. at the desk.Copy !req
44. Uh, next we will discuss
a new wayCopy !req
45. to double your penis size...Copy !req
46. That is...Copy !req
47. My mom and I used to watch
the local news together.Copy !req
48. And if a guy came
on the news and said,Copy !req
49. "There was a carjacking
on Six Mile Road,"Copy !req
50. my mom would go, "Oh, please
be white, please be white."Copy !req
51. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
52. Then be like, "and we'll
be back with more newsCopy !req
53. on the Nigerian Prince
who needs some money."Copy !req
54. "But first...Copy !req
55. a car chase ensued
down on Eight Mile and, uh..."Copy !req
56. Oh, oh, let this one guy
be white, please.Copy !req
57. "where... where he stole
a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..."Copy !req
58. Might be white!
Might be white!Copy !req
59. Might be white!Copy !req
60. Might be white.Copy !req
61. "and a pack
of Now and Laters."Copy !req
62. Damn it!Copy !req
63. Good evening, St. Paul.Copy !req
64. It's your city news at 5:00.
I'm Jamie Throneburg.Copy !req
65. And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.Copy !req
66. Winter weather advisories
are in effectCopy !req
67. across Central Minnesota
tonight.Copy !req
68. With more on that,
weatherman Isaac Labuda.Copy !req
69. Isaac.Copy !req
70. Thanks, Marcy.Copy !req
71. A major system
is zipping across the region.Copy !req
72. Outside temp right now,
8 degrees,Copy !req
73. but it feels like 20 below.Copy !req
74. Jamie.Copy !req
75. Well, stay off the roads
if you can, folks.Copy !req
76. Lots of reports
of black ice.Copy !req
77. Ooh, you got to watch out
for that dangerous black ice.Copy !req
78. It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black ice.Copy !req
79. That's right, Marcy.Copy !req
80. Keep your loved ones safe
and warn themCopy !req
81. to stay off the street
tonightCopy !req
82. because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice.Copy !req
83. Isaac.Copy !req
84. We have Channel 17's
field reporter,Copy !req
85. Darren Hepner, with more.Copy !req
86. Darren?Copy !req
87. Yeah...Copy !req
88. I'm standing out here
at historic Ramsey Hill,Copy !req
89. where there are currently
no cars on the streetCopy !req
90. due to, uh...Copy !req
91. hazardous
driving conditions.Copy !req
92. Darren, are you
talking about black ice?Copy !req
93. That's right.Copy !req
94. Ooh, jeez,
it's frighteningCopy !req
95. Just to even say
"black ice."Copy !req
96. It's scary, tricky,
ruthless stuff, that black ice.Copy !req
97. A perfectly safe neighborhood
can be suddenly terrorizedCopy !req
98. by the appearance
of black ice.Copy !req
99. Well, one must
keep in mind that,Copy !req
100. just because black ice
looks different than white ice,Copy !req
101. it doesn't make it
any more dangerous.Copy !req
102. Also, one must rememberCopy !req
103. how hard it is
for black ice to survive,Copy !req
104. what with the authorities
trying to destroy itCopy !req
105. with the snow plows
and salt trucks,Copy !req
106. but black ice perseveres.Copy !req
107. Uh-huh, that's right.
That's right.Copy !req
108. And as you can see
right now,Copy !req
109. the city
is being controlledCopy !req
110. by lots
of oppressive white snow,Copy !req
111. making it hard
for all people to advance.Copy !req
112. And we don't hear
much "news" about that,Copy !req
113. Now, do we?Copy !req
114. No, we do not!Copy !req
115. Well, thank you very much,
Brother Darren.Copy !req
116. But let's be honest...
Black ice is the real menace.Copy !req
117. Last night I was in
a perfectly safe neighborhood,Copy !req
118. walking away
from an A.T.M. machine,Copy !req
119. when black ice
just snuck up on meCopy !req
120. and practically robbed me
of my balance.Copy !req
121. Ouch. That sounds exactly like
something black ice would do.Copy !req
122. Well, I just hope that folks
watch out so the white snowCopy !req
123. doesn't blind them
and keep them from seeingCopy !req
124. what's really going on.Copy !req
125. All I'm saying
is I can't thinkCopy !req
126. of a single Christmas song
about black ice.Copy !req
127. Lots of cheerful, uplifting
songs about snow, so...Copy !req
128. Well...Copy !req
129. For the record, black ice
never asked to be out here.Copy !req
130. No, it did not!Copy !req
131. It's a product
of the environment.Copy !req
132. Ooh, Hallelujah!Copy !req
133. In fact, black ice
didn't land on the road.Copy !req
134. The road
landed on black ice!Copy !req
135. Whoo! Amen!Copy !req
136. Okay.Copy !req
137. Next up, why is America
being ruined by black people?Copy !req
138. Hello. You must be
Detective Hobbs.Copy !req
139. I am your new partner,
Joshua Taye.Copy !req
140. Um, wha... you know...Copy !req
141. Uh, your last partner,
Detective Jimenez,Copy !req
142. I never met him,
but I hear he leftCopy !req
143. some pretty big shoes
to fill.Copy !req
144. Let's get one thing
straight.Copy !req
145. You're never gonna
fill Jimenez's shoes, ever.Copy !req
146. Jimenez was a good man,
better cop.Copy !req
147. Fill Jimenez's shoes?Copy !req
148. The tip of your dick
couldn't fill a bottle cap.Copy !req
149. I-I'm very sorry
if that came out wrong.Copy !req
150. I'm sure Jimenez
was a great cop.Copy !req
151. The best!Copy !req
152. Okay.Copy !req
153. Uh...Copy !req
154. So these prostitute murders...Copy !req
155. Um...
Seems like a serial killer.Copy !req
156. Could be.Copy !req
157. I actually
worked out a theory.Copy !req
158. I don't give a hobo's hat
about your theory.Copy !req
159. You think Jimenez
worked off of theories,Copy !req
160. like some kind
of a needle-dick Charles Darwin?Copy !req
161. Not on your ass.Copy !req
162. Jimenez always shot
straight from the dick.Copy !req
163. You think you're Jimenez?Copy !req
164. Absolutely not.Copy !req
165. You're goddamn right
you're not!Copy !req
166. I just said I'm...Copy !req
167. Jimenez
would've busted 20 perpsCopy !req
168. in the time it'd take you
to pull up your pantsCopy !req
169. over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee.Copy !req
170. Two daughters,
raising 'em on his own.Copy !req
171. You want that job?
Huh, Mr. Babydick?Copy !req
172. What is going on?Copy !req
173. - You want to be their daddy?
- No!Copy !req
174. You know what?
I think...Copy !req
175. I think we got off
on the wrong foot.Copy !req
176. - Not Jimenez.
- Oh...Copy !req
177. Jimenez got off
on the right footCopy !req
178. every goddamn day
of his goddamn life...Copy !req
179. Uh-huh.Copy !req
180. Which is more
than I can sayCopy !req
181. for your
pebble-penis-havin' ass.Copy !req
182. - What?
- Jimenez wannabe!Copy !req
183. I can assure you
I don't want to be Jimenez!Copy !req
184. Why not?
What's wrong with Jimenez?Copy !req
185. There's nothing wrong
with Jimenez.Copy !req
186. Then why wouldn't you
want to be like him?Copy !req
187. I don't know.
You said...Copy !req
188. Smurf pecker!Copy !req
189. Okay, I'm out.
I can't...Copy !req
190. I can't make this work.Copy !req
191. Jimenez
would've made it work.Copy !req
192. Come back from Florida soon,
Jimenez.Copy !req
193. Jordan, would you say thatCopy !req
194. there's a distinct possibility
that, perhaps,Copy !req
195. Star Wars might be
a little bit racist?Copy !req
196. - Oh, yes.
- Just a little bit.Copy !req
197. There's, like, two black guys
in the whole universe.Copy !req
198. Not only is it far, far away,Copy !req
199. it's clearly
a long, long time ago.Copy !req
200. Right.Copy !req
201. So last year we had...Copy !req
202. we had the incomparable
Billy Dee Williams on our show.Copy !req
203. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
204. And he's
in Empire Strikes Back.Copy !req
205. And his coolness makes it look
like he's in a different movie,Copy !req
206. 'cause my man just
walks up talking about,Copy !req
207. "Hey, Han.
Chewbacca."Copy !req
208. And they had
Samuel L. Jackson.Copy !req
209. My man had the first
purple lightsaber.Copy !req
210. Yeah.Copy !req
211. How you gonna
give Mace WinduCopy !req
212. a grape-flavored
lightsaber?Copy !req
213. What?Copy !req
214. Lando! What?
Oh, snap!Copy !req
215. Yo, Lando!Copy !req
216. Yo, Lando Calrissian!Copy !req
217. Oh, hi.
Yeah, that's me.Copy !req
218. Oh... dude!
Lando!Copy !req
219. Yo! Yo, you straight up running
Cloud City right now, dog!Copy !req
220. That's you, man!Copy !req
221. You out there just...Copy !req
222. Swoosh!Copy !req
223. Well, you know,
I-I do my best.Copy !req
224. Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo.
Big fan, big fan.Copy !req
225. Well, Zeef, it's real nice
to make your acquaintance.Copy !req
226. Straight up, though...
Straight up, man.Copy !req
227. You an inspiration
to all of us, man.Copy !req
228. You insp... you're the reason
I'm out here in Cloud City, dog.Copy !req
229. - Man, I ain't even joking, man.
- That's nice.Copy !req
230. - But, yo, ideally, though?
- Yeah?Copy !req
231. Ideally...
On an ideal situation,Copy !req
232. I would be doing
like what you're doing.Copy !req
233. I'd be up there, like,
in the high chambersCopy !req
234. of Cloud City, dog.Copy !req
235. Well, Zeef,
it's nice to meet you.Copy !req
236. Yo, right on, man,Copy !req
237. 'cause they got me
in the carbonite roomCopy !req
238. right now, son.Copy !req
239. That's bull, right?Copy !req
240. They got me working
with some pig dudes and whatnot.Copy !req
241. Yo, I ain't no pig,
you know?Copy !req
242. And you ever notice, man,Copy !req
243. there ain't a lot of brothers
out here, man, in space.Copy !req
244. Right? It's like they're
trying to keep us down, man.Copy !req
245. You know, I-I don't think
that it's the policy.Copy !req
246. I just think it's
really, really difficultCopy !req
247. to get to this level.Copy !req
248. You've got to understand
the politics of the EmpireCopy !req
249. and, at the same time,Copy !req
250. all the motivations
of the Rebel Alliance.Copy !req
251. - All that, man, all that.
- You've got...Copy !req
252. All that, all that,
all that, all that, all that.Copy !req
253. But ideally, though, man?Copy !req
254. Ideally, what I'm talking
about is, like, me and you...Copy !req
255. we should, like, do something
together, though, man,Copy !req
256. 'cause if you think about it,
yo, when I was younger, man,Copy !req
257. I used to fly those landspeeders
all the time.Copy !req
258. My friends was like,
"Man, you should be pilotingCopy !req
259. one of the X-Wings,"
right?Copy !req
260. And so that's,
like, disappointing, man,Copy !req
261. 'cause I got here,
and they just had me, like,Copy !req
262. cleaning up the R2 units
after the X-Wings come in.Copy !req
263. Zeef, I got to go.Copy !req
264. You should prob...
Oh, no.Copy !req
265. Man, I'm saying, man,
how do we contact one another?Copy !req
266. 'cause that's
the most important thing...Copy !req
267. that we contact one another,Copy !req
268. 'cause, yo, look, man,
ideally, though?Copy !req
269. Ideally though?Copy !req
270. I would get to fly, somehow,
like, the Millennium Falcon.Copy !req
271. Like, that would be cool.Copy !req
272. And, yo, let me get you my...
like, my cont...Copy !req
273. I got my card
in here somewhere.Copy !req
274. Man, I'm just tryingCopy !req
275. to find this, like,
pocket right here,Copy !req
276. 'cause these...
sometimes, these suits,Copy !req
277. - they don't got no pockets.
- You know what, Zeef?Copy !req
278. Just give your information
to Lobot here,Copy !req
279. and we'll be in touch.Copy !req
280. Lobot?Copy !req
281. Man, I see how it is.Copy !req
282. I got to talk to your mandroid
right now?Copy !req
283. Man, you,Copy !req
284. Little white-ass hair!Copy !req
285. Why you wearing a cape,
though, huh?Copy !req
286. Where you going,
the ice planet Hoth?Copy !req
287. Outrageous.Copy !req
288. Welcome to Metta World News.Copy !req
289. Our top story...Copy !req
290. The pope is thinking
of moving out the VaticanCopy !req
291. so feral cats
can live there.Copy !req
292. Now, let's go
to "Homemaker's Corner"Copy !req
293. with Metta World Peace.Copy !req
294. Thank you, Metta.Copy !req
295. You need five
plastic grocery bagsCopy !req
296. to make
an effective parachute.Copy !req
297. Thanks, Metta, and you will dieCopy !req
298. if you try that.Copy !req
299. Well, that wraps up
Metta World NewsCopy !req
300. for this Wednesday, November
Morning Star Cocktail Napkin.Copy !req
301. I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.Copy !req
302. You guys like jazz?Copy !req
303. All right, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
304. We just think that jazz
is really great.Copy !req
305. It never tries
to be pop music.Copy !req
306. It's just like,
"Hey, man, deal with it.Copy !req
307. "If you don't like it...Copy !req
308. "I'm a genius."Copy !req
309. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
310. Ahh...Copy !req
311. Wha...Copy !req
312. We, uh... we like
to give supportCopy !req
313. to our gay brothers
and sisters.Copy !req
314. Yes, we do.
Lots of legislation...Copy !req
315. a lot of things
going their way recently.Copy !req
316. Having their civil rights
movement right now.Copy !req
317. Healthcare coming their way,
marriage coming their way.Copy !req
318. Now they can all get
within the bondCopy !req
319. of holy matrimony,
and then you tooCopy !req
320. can be as miserable
as the rest of us.Copy !req
321. - That's right.
- So, by all means, please.Copy !req
322. It must've been hard for
the gay guy who was, you know,Copy !req
323. using the fact that
they couldn't get marriedCopy !req
324. as his excuse
to not get married.Copy !req
325. The day it got legal,
this guy was sweating bullets.Copy !req
326. Ow, yeah.Copy !req
327. We gettin' married!Copy !req
328. Is that...
Is that in every state?Copy !req
329. Oh, no.Copy !req
330. Oh, boy.Copy !req
331. Hello, Lashawn.
Hello, Carousel.Copy !req
332. Ooh, Sammy, Carousel
had another premonition.Copy !req
333. Oh, what was it this time?Copy !req
334. She says an ostrichCopy !req
335. is going to escape
from the zoo today.Copy !req
336. Nope, she heard that
on the news last night,Copy !req
337. so that's a thing that actually
happened in real life already.Copy !req
338. Okay, well,
better late than never.Copy !req
339. All right, well, go make daddy
some chamomile.Copy !req
340. Let's go. Mm.Copy !req
341. Come on, go around.
Use the Force.Copy !req
342. There you go.Copy !req
343. Lashawn.Copy !req
344. Lashawn, I just got this letter
from my insurance company.Copy !req
345. It looks like we are officially
on the same insurance.Copy !req
346. - What?
- Yes.Copy !req
347. Yes.Copy !req
348. - Sammy, we did it!
- I can't believe this.Copy !req
349. I mean, we're finallyCopy !req
350. not gonna be treated
like second-class citizens.Copy !req
351. Oh, my God, I want to see,
I want to see, I want to see.Copy !req
352. I want... No, don't show me.
Just tell me.Copy !req
353. What are we covered?
What are we covered?Copy !req
354. - How are we covered?
- It's good insurance.Copy !req
355. - We get dental and...
- Dental!Copy !req
356. Oh, my God, make me
an appointment right now, Sammy.Copy !req
357. No, Lashawn,
You got to take it...Copy !req
358. I'm gonna get a ruby filling
and a fang for apples.Copy !req
359. - A fang?
- Yes, a single, solitary fangCopy !req
360. for tricky fruits
and bottle caps.Copy !req
361. You understand that that's
kind of an elective procedure,Copy !req
362. - which means it wouldn't be...
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
363. Well, I'm going to proceed
to elect the fangCopy !req
364. - the president of my mouth.
- Okay.Copy !req
365. And then I'm going
to get my voice "loudened"!Copy !req
366. Voice "loudened."Copy !req
367. Yes, so I can...Copy !req
368. All right,
so, well, I don't knowCopy !req
369. if we're going to find a dentist
who can do that.Copy !req
370. Also, it's not covered
in this insuranceCopy !req
371. - Because it's the basic...
- Uh-huh, yeah.Copy !req
372. - Dental and vision.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
373. Vision!
Did you say vision?Copy !req
374. - Oh, my God.
- I did say vision.Copy !req
375. Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, Sammy, what?Copy !req
376. - Sammy, what? Sammy!
- That is my name.Copy !req
377. I'm gonna have one contact
that looks like a cat eyeCopy !req
378. and another contact
that looks like a cat's faceCopy !req
379. that's missing an eye.Copy !req
380. You don't wear contacts.Copy !req
381. I'm gonna have a third eye
that looks like the letter "I,"Copy !req
382. and it's gonna be in my eye,
and I'm gonna be like,Copy !req
383. "I... see you."Copy !req
384. Lashawn...Copy !req
385. You don't wear contacts,
so there's no reason...Copy !req
386. Well, I'm going to need
to wear contactsCopy !req
387. when I have my eyebrows redid
because they sayCopy !req
388. that kind of procedure
will "scrumple" the corneas.Copy !req
389. You're not getting
your eyebrows redid, redone...Copy !req
390. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Undone, done.Copy !req
391. I'm gonna have 'em
switched on my face,Copy !req
392. so when I get mad,
I look delighted!Copy !req
393. Do you understand
that insuranceCopy !req
394. is only
for real medical problems?Copy !req
395. And even then,
we have a deductible.Copy !req
396. I'm going to deduct
the fat from my assCopy !req
397. and put it in my "fangles,"Copy !req
398. so when I wave,
I look like Mickey Mouse.Copy !req
399. Okay, all right.Copy !req
400. Listen to what
I'm telling you right now.Copy !req
401. - What?
- Insurance is not for youCopy !req
402. to have the bottom half
of your body cut offCopy !req
403. and you sewn to a horse
so you can experienceCopy !req
404. - what it's like to be a...
- centaurCopy !req
405. Oh, my God, Sammy,
that's a good idea.Copy !req
406. It's not a good idea because
you'd die almost immediately.Copy !req
407. Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy.
It would be so worth it.Copy !req
408. Sammy, please,
tell me I can.Copy !req
409. I know that you want
to do that, but you can't do it.Copy !req
410. It's not covered
by the insurance.Copy !req
411. - Oh, Sammy! come on!
- It's not...Copy !req
412. Why you got to be the '80s
to my disco right now?Copy !req
413. - Why do you have to, hmm?
- I'm not trying...Copy !req
414. You don't. That's the answer.
You don't.Copy !req
415. I'm just trying to be
the reality to your dementia.Copy !req
416. I'm gonna
have two stomachs!Copy !req
417. I'm gonna get another stomach.Copy !req
418. One for cherries
and one for corn.Copy !req
419. - Oh, my God.
- That's right, Sammy.Copy !req
420. I'm gonna go
to couples therapy aloneCopy !req
421. - and just play both parts.
- Yeah.Copy !req
422. I'm gonna
go to the gynecologistCopy !req
423. and just ask questions
till I get it.Copy !req
424. Oh, and I got
another question...Copy !req
425. a few questions
about how many different partsCopy !req
426. of your body
you can make blink.Copy !req
427. 'cause I want to get
my "earlids" doneCopy !req
428. and then my foot pockets.Copy !req
429. Foot pockets are this invention
I've been thinking of...Copy !req
430. where you can just put...Copy !req
431. your keys
up by your ankles.Copy !req
432. Then I'm gonna have a coaster
put in my shoulder,Copy !req
433. so when I go to a bar,
I can say,Copy !req
434. "You want a drink on me?"Copy !req
435. And then I'm just gonna
be, like, a monster,Copy !req
436. and then for Halloween,
I'm gonna dress upCopy !req
437. like a normal human being.Copy !req
438. Thank you, everybody.Copy !req
439. You guys have...
You guys have been...Copy !req
440. Uh, you guys
have been great tonight.Copy !req
441. And we just wanted
to say thank youCopy !req
442. and say good-bye
as well, and...Copy !req
443. Jimenez would never
have said good-bye.Copy !req
444. Good night, everybody.Copy !req
445. Oh, yeah.Copy !req