1. - I'll tell you one thing...
When the UnsulliedCopy !req
2. make it to Westeros,
they're gonna annihilate people.Copy !req
3. - Wait, wait, dude, hold up.Copy !req
4. - It's gonna be crazy.
- First of all, slow down.Copy !req
5. Second of all,
I'm not up to that yet.Copy !req
6. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, yeah.Copy !req
7. - I didn't know that.
- I will erase it.Copy !req
8. - Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow.
I'm like, "Peace."Copy !req
9. You know what I'm saying?
Like...Copy !req
10. - Jordan, right now... right now
you must listen
Ripped By mstollCopy !req
11. to how this white dude
is talking to black people.Copy !req
12. - Get out of my face
with yo Tommy Bahama ass.Copy !req
13. I'm trying to make
some big dough. I'm a DJ.Copy !req
14. - No, no.
- "I'm a DJ."Copy !req
15. - I put that pussy
on the chain wax, son.Copy !req
16. - He puts the pussy
on the chain wax.Copy !req
17. - That's pathetic.
That's pathetic.Copy !req
18. - What's up, girl?Copy !req
19. - He's walking this way.
He's totally walking this way.Copy !req
20. - Oh, no, I can't.
I can't. I can't.Copy !req
21. - Just go with it, dude.
Just go with it.Copy !req
22. - Hey!
Hey! How's it going?Copy !req
23. Key and Peele, right?
- Good.Copy !req
24. - So stoked you guys are here.
Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
25. You guys rock.
Awesome.Copy !req
26. Yo, Kevin,
let me get some Red Vines!Copy !req
27. - Want to get out of here?
- Yep.Copy !req
28. - Whoo!Copy !req
29. Thank you so much.Copy !req
30. I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
31. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
32. Thank you for coming out
tonight, everybody.Copy !req
33. - Thank you for coming.Copy !req
34. You know what we're fed up with?Copy !req
35. The news.Copy !req
36. - Well, yes, we talk
about the news a lot.Copy !req
37. The news is annoying to us.
- Right.Copy !req
38. - The way that the news stations
are getting their news nowCopy !req
39. is just basically
from the Internet.Copy !req
40. - Yeah, yeah, it's like
they're checking their iPadsCopy !req
41. at the desk.Copy !req
42. - Next we will discuss a new way
to double your penis size.Copy !req
43. - That is...Copy !req
44. - My mom and I used to watch
the local news together.Copy !req
45. And if a guy came
on the news and said,Copy !req
46. "There was a carjacking
on Six Mile Road,"Copy !req
47. my mom would go, "Oh, please
be white, please be white."Copy !req
48. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
49. Then be like, "And we'll be back
with more newsCopy !req
50. on the Nigerian prince
who needs some money."Copy !req
51. "But first...Copy !req
52. a car chase ensued
down on Eight Mile and, uh..."Copy !req
53. - Oh, let this one guy
be white, please.Copy !req
54. - "Where... where he stole
a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..."Copy !req
55. - Might be white!
Might be white!Copy !req
56. Might be white!Copy !req
57. Might be white.Copy !req
58. - "And a pack
of Now and Laters."Copy !req
59. - Damn it!Copy !req
60. - Good evening, St. Paul.Copy !req
61. It's your city news at 5:00.
I'm Jamie Throneburg.Copy !req
62. - And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.Copy !req
63. Winter weather advisories
are in effectCopy !req
64. across central Minnesota
tonight.Copy !req
65. With more on that,
weatherman Isaac Labuda.Copy !req
66. Isaac.
- Thanks, Marcy.Copy !req
67. A major system
is zipping across the region.Copy !req
68. Outside temp right now,
8 degrees,Copy !req
69. but it feels like 20 below.
Jamie.Copy !req
70. - Well, stay off the roads
if you can, folks.Copy !req
71. Lots of reports of black ice.Copy !req
72. - Ooh, you got to watch out
for that dangerous black ice.Copy !req
73. It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black ice.Copy !req
74. - That's right, Marcy.Copy !req
75. Keep your loved ones safe
and warn themCopy !req
76. to stay off the street tonightCopy !req
77. because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice.Copy !req
78. - Isaac.Copy !req
79. - We have channel 17's
field reporter,Copy !req
80. Darren Hepner, with more.
Darren?Copy !req
81. - Yeah...Copy !req
82. I'm standing out here
at historic Ramsey Hill,Copy !req
83. where there are currently
no cars on the streetCopy !req
84. due to, uh...Copy !req
85. hazardous driving conditions.Copy !req
86. - Darren, are you
talking about black ice?Copy !req
87. - That's right.Copy !req
88. - Ooh, jeez, it's frightening
just to even say "black ice."Copy !req
89. - It's scary, tricky,
ruthless stuff, that black ice.Copy !req
90. A perfectly safe neighborhood
can be suddenly terrorizedCopy !req
91. by the appearance of black ice.Copy !req
92. - Well, one must keep
in mind that,Copy !req
93. just because black ice
looks different than white ice,Copy !req
94. it doesn't make it
any more dangerous.Copy !req
95. Also, one must rememberCopy !req
96. how hard it is
for black ice to survive,Copy !req
97. what with the authorities
trying to destroy itCopy !req
98. with the snow plows
and the salt trucks,Copy !req
99. but black ice perseveres.Copy !req
100. - Uh-huh, that's right.
That's right.Copy !req
101. And as you can see right now,
the city is being controlledCopy !req
102. by lots
of oppressive white snow,Copy !req
103. making it hard
for all people to advance.Copy !req
104. And we don't hear
much "news" about that,Copy !req
105. now, do we?
- No, we do not!Copy !req
106. - Well, thank you very much,
brother Darren.Copy !req
107. - But let's be honest...
black ice is the real menace.Copy !req
108. Last night I was in
a perfectly safe neighborhood,Copy !req
109. walking away
from an ATM machine,Copy !req
110. when black ice
just snuck up on meCopy !req
111. and practically robbed me
of my balance.Copy !req
112. - Ouch. That sounds exactly like
something black ice would do.Copy !req
113. - Well, I just hope that folks
watch out so the white snowCopy !req
114. doesn't blind them
and keep them from seeingCopy !req
115. what's really going on.Copy !req
116. - All I'm saying
is I can't thinkCopy !req
117. of a single Christmas song
about black ice.Copy !req
118. Lots of cheerful, uplifting
songs about snow, so...Copy !req
119. Well...Copy !req
120. for the record, black ice
never asked to be out here.Copy !req
121. - No, it did not!Copy !req
122. - It's a product
of the environment.Copy !req
123. - Ooh, hallelujah!Copy !req
124. - In fact, black ice
didn't land on the road.Copy !req
125. The road landed on black ice!Copy !req
126. - Whoo! Amen!Copy !req
127. - Okay.Copy !req
128. Next up, why is America
being ruined by black people?Copy !req
129. - Hello. You must be
Detective Hobbs.Copy !req
130. I am your new partner,
Joshua Taye.Copy !req
131. Um, wha... you know...Copy !req
132. Uh, your last partner,
Detective Jimenez,Copy !req
133. I never met him,
but I hear he leftCopy !req
134. some pretty big shoes to fill.Copy !req
135. - Let's get one thing straight.Copy !req
136. You're never gonna
fill Jimenez's shoes, ever.Copy !req
137. Jimenez was a good man,
better cop.Copy !req
138. Fill Jimenez's shoes?Copy !req
139. The tip of your dick
couldn't fill a bottle cap.Copy !req
140. - I-I'm very sorry
if that came out wrong.Copy !req
141. I'm sure Jimenez
was a great cop.Copy !req
142. - The best!Copy !req
143. - Okay.Copy !req
144. Uh...Copy !req
145. So these prostitute murders...Copy !req
146. um... seems like a serial killer.
- Could be.Copy !req
147. - I actually worked out
a theory.Copy !req
148. - I don't give a hobo's hat
about your theory.Copy !req
149. You think Jimenez
worked off of theories,Copy !req
150. like some kind
of a needle-dick Charles Darwin?Copy !req
151. Not on your ass.Copy !req
152. Jimenez always shot
straight from the dick.Copy !req
153. You think you're Jimenez?
- Absolutely not.Copy !req
154. - You're goddamn right
you're not!Copy !req
155. - I just said I'm...Copy !req
156. - Jimenez
would've busted 20 perpsCopy !req
157. in the time it'd take you
to pull up your pantsCopy !req
158. over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee.Copy !req
159. Two daughters,
raising 'em on his own.Copy !req
160. You want that job?
Huh, Mr. Babydick?Copy !req
161. - What is going on?Copy !req
162. - You want to be their daddy?
- No!Copy !req
163. You know what?
I think...Copy !req
164. I think we got off
on the wrong foot.Copy !req
165. - Not Jimenez.
- Oh...Copy !req
166. - Jimenez got off
on the right footCopy !req
167. every goddamn day
of his goddamn life...Copy !req
168. - Uh-huh.
- Which is more than I can sayCopy !req
169. for your
pebble-penis-havin' ass.Copy !req
170. - What?
- Jimenez wannabe!Copy !req
171. - I can assure you
I don't want to be Jimenez!Copy !req
172. - Why not?
What's wrong with Jimenez?Copy !req
173. - There's nothing wrong
with Jimenez.Copy !req
174. - Then why wouldn't you
want to be like him?Copy !req
175. - I don't know.
You said...Copy !req
176. - Smurf pecker!Copy !req
177. - Okay, I'm out.
I can't...Copy !req
178. I can't make this work.Copy !req
179. - Jimenez would've made it work.Copy !req
180. Come back from Florida soon,
Jimenez.Copy !req
181. - Jordan, would you say thatCopy !req
182. there's a distinct possibility
that, perhaps,Copy !req
183. Star Wars might be
a little bit racist?Copy !req
184. - Oh, yes.
- Just a little bit.Copy !req
185. There's, like, two black guys
in the whole universe.Copy !req
186. Not only is it far, far away,Copy !req
187. it's clearly
a long, long time ago.Copy !req
188. - Right.Copy !req
189. - So last year we had...Copy !req
190. we had the incomparable
Billy Dee Williams on our show.Copy !req
191. And he's in Emplre Strlkes Back.Copy !req
192. And his coolness makes it look
like he's in a different movie,Copy !req
193. 'cause my man just
walks up talking about,Copy !req
194. "Hey, Han.
Chewbacca."Copy !req
195. - And they had
Samuel L. Jackson.Copy !req
196. My man had the first
purple lightsaber.Copy !req
197. - Yeah.Copy !req
198. - How you gonna
give Mace WinduCopy !req
199. a grape-flavored lightsaber?Copy !req
200. What?Copy !req
201. - Lando! What?
Oh, snap!Copy !req
202. Yo, Lando!Copy !req
203. Yo, Lando Calrissian!Copy !req
204. - Oh, hi.
Yeah, that's me.Copy !req
205. - Oh... dude!
Lando!Copy !req
206. Yo! Yo, you straight up running
Cloud City right now, dog!Copy !req
207. That's you, man!
You out there just...Copy !req
208. Swoosh!Copy !req
209. - Well, you know,
I-I do my best.Copy !req
210. - Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo.
Big fan, big fan.Copy !req
211. - Well, Zeef, it's real nice
to make your acquaintance.Copy !req
212. - Straight up, though...
Straight up, man.Copy !req
213. You an inspiration
to all of us, man.Copy !req
214. You insp... you the reason
I'm out here in Cloud City, dog.Copy !req
215. Man, I ain't joking, man.
- That's nice.Copy !req
216. - But, yo, ideally, though...
- Yeah?Copy !req
217. - Ideally...
On an ideal situation,Copy !req
218. I would be doing
like what you're doing.Copy !req
219. I'd be up there, like,
in the high chambersCopy !req
220. of Cloud City, dog.Copy !req
221. - Well, Zeef,
it's nice to meet you.Copy !req
222. - Yo, right on, man,Copy !req
223. 'cause they got me
in the carbonite roomCopy !req
224. right now, son.Copy !req
225. That's bullshit, right?Copy !req
226. They got me working
with some pig dudes and whatnot.Copy !req
227. Yo, I ain't no pig, you know?Copy !req
228. And you ever notice, man,Copy !req
229. there ain't a lot of brothers
out here, man, in space?Copy !req
230. Right? It's like they're
trying to keep us down, man.Copy !req
231. - You know, I-I don't think
that it's the policy.Copy !req
232. I just think it's
really, really difficultCopy !req
233. to get to this level.Copy !req
234. You've got to understand
the politics of the EmpireCopy !req
235. and, at the same time,Copy !req
236. all the motivations
of the Rebel Alliance.Copy !req
237. - All that, man, all that.
- You've got...Copy !req
238. - All that, all that,
all that, all that, all that.Copy !req
239. But ideally, though, man...Copy !req
240. Ideally, what I'm talking
about is, like, me and you...Copy !req
241. we should, like, do something
together, though, man,Copy !req
242. 'cause if you think about it,
yo, when I was younger, man,Copy !req
243. I used to fly those landspeeders
all the time.Copy !req
244. My friends was like,
"Man, you should be pilotingCopy !req
245. one of the X-wings," right?Copy !req
246. And so that's,
like, disappointing, man,Copy !req
247. 'cause I got here,
and they just had me, like,Copy !req
248. cleaning up the R2 units
after the X-wings come in.Copy !req
249. - Zeef, I got to go.
You should prob... Oh, no.Copy !req
250. - Man, I'm saying, man,
how do we contact one another?Copy !req
251. 'Cause that's
the most important thing...Copy !req
252. that we contact one another,Copy !req
253. 'cause, yo, look, man,
ideally, though...Copy !req
254. ideally, though...Copy !req
255. I would get to fly, somehow,
like, the Mlllennlum Falcon.Copy !req
256. Like, that would be cool.Copy !req
257. And, yo, let me get you my...
Like, my cont...Copy !req
258. I got my card
in here somewhere.Copy !req
259. Man, I'm just tryingCopy !req
260. to find this, like,
pocket right here,Copy !req
261. 'cause these...
Sometimes, these suits,Copy !req
262. they don't got no pockets.
- You know what, Zeef?Copy !req
263. Just give your information
to Lobot here,Copy !req
264. and we'll be in touch.Copy !req
265. - Lobot?Copy !req
266. Man, I see how it is.Copy !req
267. I got to talk to your mandroid
right now?Copy !req
268. Man, fuck you, nigga!Copy !req
269. Little white-ass hair!Copy !req
270. Why you wearing a cape,
though, huh?Copy !req
271. Where you going,
the ice planet Hoth?Copy !req
272. Outrageous.Copy !req
273. - Welcome to Metta World News.Copy !req
274. Our top story...Copy !req
275. The Pope is thinking
of moving out the VaticanCopy !req
276. so feral cats can live there.Copy !req
277. Now, let's go
to "Homemaker's Corner"Copy !req
278. with Metta World Peace.Copy !req
279. Thank you, Metta.Copy !req
280. You need
five plastic grocery bagsCopy !req
281. to make an effective parachute.Copy !req
282. Thanks, Metta, and you will dieCopy !req
283. if you try that.Copy !req
284. Well, that wraps up
Metta World NewsCopy !req
285. for this Wednesday, November
morning star cocktail napkin.Copy !req
286. I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.Copy !req
287. - You guys like jazz?Copy !req
288. - All right, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
289. We just think that jazz
is really great.Copy !req
290. It never tries to be pop music.Copy !req
291. It's just like,
"Hey, man, deal with it.Copy !req
292. "If you don't like it...Copy !req
293. I'm a genius."Copy !req
294. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
295. - We, uh... we like
to give supportCopy !req
296. to our gay brothers
and sisters.Copy !req
297. - Yes, we do.
Lots of legislation...Copy !req
298. a lot of things
going their way recently.Copy !req
299. - Having their civil rights
movement right now.Copy !req
300. - Health care coming their way,
marriage coming their way.Copy !req
301. Now they can all get
within the bondCopy !req
302. of holy matrimony,
and then you, too,Copy !req
303. can be as miserable
as the rest of us.Copy !req
304. - That's right.
- So, by all means, please.Copy !req
305. - It must've been hard for
the gay guy who was, you know,Copy !req
306. using the fact
that he couldn't get marriedCopy !req
307. as his excuse
to not get married.Copy !req
308. - The day it got legal,
this guy was sweating bullets.Copy !req
309. - Ow, yeah.Copy !req
310. - We gettin' married!Copy !req
311. - Is that...
Is that in every state?Copy !req
312. - Oh, no.Copy !req
313. Oh, boy.Copy !req
314. - Hello, Leshaun.
Hello, Carousel.Copy !req
315. - Ooh, Sammy, Carousel
had another premonition.Copy !req
316. - Oh, what was it this time?
- She says an ostrichCopy !req
317. is going to escape
from the zoo today.Copy !req
318. - Nope, she heard that
on the news last night,Copy !req
319. so that's a thing that actually
happened in real life already.Copy !req
320. - Okay, well,
better late than never.Copy !req
321. All right, well, go make daddy
some chamomile.Copy !req
322. Let's go. Mm.
Come on, go around.Copy !req
323. Use the force.
There you go.Copy !req
324. - Leshaun.Copy !req
325. Leshaun, I just got this letter
from my insurance company.Copy !req
326. It looks like we are officially
on the same insurance.Copy !req
327. - What?
- Yes.Copy !req
328. - Yes.Copy !req
329. - Sammy, we did it!
- I can't believe this.Copy !req
330. I mean, we're finally
not gonna be treatedCopy !req
331. like second-class citizens.
- Oh, my God, I want to see.Copy !req
332. I want to see. I want to see.
I want...Copy !req
333. No, don't show me. Just tell me.
What are we covered?Copy !req
334. What are we covered?
How are we covered?Copy !req
335. - It's good insurance.Copy !req
336. We get dental and...
- Dental!Copy !req
337. Oh, my God, make me
an appointment right now, Sammy.Copy !req
338. - Okay, Leshaun,
you got to take it...Copy !req
339. - I'm gonna get a ruby filling
and a fang for apples.Copy !req
340. - A fang?
- Yes, a single, solitary fangCopy !req
341. for tricky fruits
and bottle caps.Copy !req
342. - You understand that that's
kind of an elective procedure,Copy !req
343. which means it wouldn't be...
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
344. Well, I'm going to proceed
to elect the fangCopy !req
345. the president of my mouth.
- Okay.Copy !req
346. - And then I'm going
to get my voice "loudened"!Copy !req
347. - Voice "loudened."
- Yes, so I can...Copy !req
348. - All right,
so, well, I don't knowCopy !req
349. if we're gonna find a dentist
who can do that.Copy !req
350. Also, it's not covered
in this insuranceCopy !req
351. because it's the basic...
- Uh-huh, yeah.Copy !req
352. - Dental and vision.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
353. Vision!
Did you say vision?Copy !req
354. Oh, my God.
- I did say vision.Copy !req
355. - Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, Sammy, what?Copy !req
356. Sammy, what? Sammy!
- That is my name.Copy !req
357. - I'm gonna have one contact
that looks like a cat eyeCopy !req
358. and another contact
that looks like a cat's faceCopy !req
359. that's missing an eye.
- You don't wear contacts.Copy !req
360. - I'm gonna have a third eye
that looks like the letter "I,"Copy !req
361. and it's gonna be in my eye,
and I'm gonna be like,Copy !req
362. "I... see you."Copy !req
363. Leshaun...Copy !req
364. you don't wear contacts,
so there's no reason...Copy !req
365. - Well, I'm going to need
to wear contactsCopy !req
366. when I have my eyebrows redid
because they sayCopy !req
367. that kind of procedure
will "scrumple" the corneas.Copy !req
368. - You're not getting
your eyebrows redid, redone...Copy !req
369. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Undone, done.Copy !req
370. - I'm gonna have 'em
switched on my face,Copy !req
371. so when I get mad,
I look delighted!Copy !req
372. - Do you understand
that insuranceCopy !req
373. is only
for real medical problems?Copy !req
374. And even then,
we have a deductible.Copy !req
375. - I'm going to deduct
the fat from my assCopy !req
376. and put 'em in my "fangles,"Copy !req
377. so when I wave,
I look like Mickey Mouse.Copy !req
378. - Okay, all right.Copy !req
379. Listen to what
I'm telling you right now.Copy !req
380. - What?
- Insurance is not for youCopy !req
381. to have the bottom half
of your body cut offCopy !req
382. and you sewn to a horse
so you can experienceCopy !req
383. what it's like to be a...
CentaurCopy !req
384. - Oh, my God, Sammy,
that's a good idea.Copy !req
385. - It's not a good idea because
you'd die almost immediately.Copy !req
386. - Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy.
It would be so worth it.Copy !req
387. Sammy, please, tell me I can.Copy !req
388. - I know that you want
to do that, but you can't do it.Copy !req
389. It's not covered
by the insurance.Copy !req
390. - Oh, Sammy! Come on!
- It's not...Copy !req
391. - Why you got to be the '80s
to my disco right now?Copy !req
392. Why do you have to, hmm?
- I'm not trying...Copy !req
393. - You don't. That's the answer.
You don't.Copy !req
394. - I'm just trying to be
the reality to your dementia.Copy !req
395. - I'm gonna have two stomachs!Copy !req
396. I'm gonna get another stomach.Copy !req
397. One for cherries
and one for corn.Copy !req
398. - Oh, my God.
- That's right, Sammy.Copy !req
399. I'm gonna go
to couples therapy aloneCopy !req
400. and just play both parts.
- Yeah.Copy !req
401. - I'm gonna
go to the gynecologist,Copy !req
402. just ask questions
till I get it.Copy !req
403. Oh, and I got
another question...Copy !req
404. a few questions
about how many different partsCopy !req
405. of your body you can make blink.Copy !req
406. 'Cause I want to get
my "earlids" doneCopy !req
407. and then my foot pockets.Copy !req
408. Foot pockets are this invention
I've been thinking ofCopy !req
409. where you can just put
your keys up by your ankles.Copy !req
410. Then I'm gonna have a coaster
put in my shoulder,Copy !req
411. so when I go to a bar,
I can say,Copy !req
412. "You want a drink on me?"Copy !req
413. And then I'm just gonna
be, like, a monster,Copy !req
414. and then for Halloween,
I'm gonna dress upCopy !req
415. like a normal human being.Copy !req
416. - You guys have...
You guys have been...Copy !req
417. uh, you guys
have been great tonight.Copy !req
418. And we just wanted
to say thank youCopy !req
419. and say good-bye
as well, and...Copy !req
420. - Jimenez would never
have said good-bye.Copy !req
421. - Good night, everybody.Copy !req
422. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
423. - The relationship
between C-3PO and R2-D2.Copy !req
424. - They were gay.
- They were gay.Copy !req
425. - They were gay.
- They were gay androids.Copy !req
426. It's like, Artoo...Copy !req
427. - Mm-mm.
- No, don't...Copy !req
428. - Uh-uh.
- What?Copy !req
429. Ripped By mstollCopy !req