1. - Come on, kids.Copy !req
2. - Whoa!
Hey.Copy !req
3. Hello.Copy !req
4. Good to see ya.
Good to see ya.Copy !req
5. - Thank you.
Wow.Copy !req
6. - Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
7. - Okay.
- Thank you so much. Oh!Copy !req
8. Whoa!Copy !req
9. - Wow.Copy !req
10. - I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
11. - I am Jordan Peele.Copy !req
12. - And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
13. Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
14. Well, we're glad to be back.
- Yes, glad to be back.Copy !req
15. - It's the beginning
of the third season,Copy !req
16. and we're happy to be back.Copy !req
17. Thank you very much.Copy !req
18. A lot has happened...
- Yes.Copy !req
19. - Over the year
that we've been gone.Copy !req
20. - We had to respond
to some of the thingsCopy !req
21. that are happening out there.Copy !req
22. I think... You know, race
is really polarizing...Copy !req
23. - Yes, it is.
- In this country.Copy !req
24. And we, you know...
We visit race ourselvesCopy !req
25. a couple of times,
you know, here and there.Copy !req
26. - And sometimes what we'll doCopy !req
27. is we find ourselves
encounteringCopy !req
28. older African-American fans.Copy !req
29. And what's funny is
the spectrum of fandom is easy.Copy !req
30. If you're a 12-year-old and
you're a fan of Key and Peele,Copy !req
31. this is what usually happens:Copy !req
32. - You just love it.Copy !req
33. - But if you are...
If you're 62 years oldCopy !req
34. and you're a fan
of Key and Peele,Copy !req
35. it's like, "All right."Copy !req
36. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
37. This gentleman...
- It's him right there.Copy !req
38. - "Hey, man.Copy !req
39. "I'm enjoying the program,
young man.Copy !req
40. Tread lightly."Copy !req
41. - "Tread lightly."Copy !req
42. The older you are,
the more you have to say to us.Copy !req
43. It's like the conversation
just doesn't end.Copy !req
44. - Yeah, yeah.
- All right, thank you, sir.Copy !req
45. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for watching.Copy !req
46. - Good to see you, man.
All right.Copy !req
47. - I'm surprised you watch.Copy !req
48. - Hey, keep doing
what you're doing, though.Copy !req
49. - Will do.
All right, man.Copy !req
50. - Okay, young buck, keep doing
what you're doing.Copy !req
51. - Thank you, man.
- Don't let it stop now, man.Copy !req
52. Keep your thang up. Okay?
- You got it.Copy !req
53. - But just remember,
you ain't on thin ice,Copy !req
54. brother, but you're on ice.Copy !req
55. - All right.
- Okay.Copy !req
56. Just make sure
you keep it going.Copy !req
57. - I got you.
- All right.Copy !req
58. 'Cause, you know,
we got an opportunity.Copy !req
59. - All right.
- Lots of people.Copy !req
60. - You're still talking to me?
- You're standingCopy !req
61. on the shoulders
of a lot of people.Copy !req
62. - We're still talking?
- Stay responsible.Copy !req
63. - All right.
- Whatever you do, man,Copy !req
64. make sure
you're staying responsible.Copy !req
65. - It's not...
- I ain't tryingCopy !req
66. to shut you down.Copy !req
67. - It's not even...
- I want you to haveCopy !req
68. your creative freedom.
- Oh!Copy !req
69. That's good.Copy !req
70. - We, um... We wanted
to take this opportunityCopy !req
71. to apologize,
just to everybody named Aaron.Copy !req
72. - Although, you know, if you're
a white dude named Aaron,Copy !req
73. and you went to school, and they
started calling you "A-Aron,"Copy !req
74. kind of the coolest thing
that's ever happened to you.Copy !req
75. - All right, we're gonna take
a little roll here.Copy !req
76. Jay-Kwelin.
- Here.Copy !req
77. - You are present?
Ba-Lakay.Copy !req
78. - Uh, here.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
79. De-Nice.
- Here.Copy !req
80. - Good.Copy !req
81. Je-Seeka.Copy !req
82. Thank you.Copy !req
83. - Mr. Garvey?Copy !req
84. - What is it, A-Aron?Copy !req
85. - Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today.Copy !req
86. - Oh.Copy !req
87. Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
88. - And what, pray tell...Copy !req
89. is the reason
for this premature exodus?Copy !req
90. - Yearbook photos.Copy !req
91. Um, we have to leave
15 minutes earlyCopy !req
92. to meet up with our clubs.Copy !req
93. All right, you know what?Copy !req
94. That might work
with other substitute teachers,Copy !req
95. but I taught
in the inner cityCopy !req
96. for over 20 years.Copy !req
97. Now, y'all wanna
leave my class early,Copy !req
98. so y'all can go meet up
at the club.Copy !req
99. Ain't none of y'all
old enoughCopy !req
100. to go to the damn club!Copy !req
101. Ridiculous.Copy !req
102. - Mr. Garvey?
- Dumb son of a bitch!Copy !req
103. Did I
st-st-st-st-st-stutter?Copy !req
104. - Just then, yes.Copy !req
105. - I'm gonna throw you
out the goddamn window!Copy !req
106. What, Jay-Kwelin?Copy !req
107. - Mr. Garvey, we're...
we're telling the truth.Copy !req
108. We... We have clubs
at the school.Copy !req
109. We have clubs
for special interests.Copy !req
110. - Okay, I see.
So y'all wanna play.Copy !req
111. Y'all wanna play.Copy !req
112. Yeah, okay,
we gonna play little games.Copy !req
113. Fine. I'll play.Copy !req
114. I'm more than happy to play
some games with y'all.Copy !req
115. Anyone who's in a club,
stand your ass up.Copy !req
116. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah,
there it is, there it is.Copy !req
117. The usual suspects.Copy !req
118. What the hell club
are you in, Jay-Kwelin?Copy !req
119. - Future leaders
of America.Copy !req
120. - Okay, okay.Copy !req
121. How would you know
if you're gonna be a leaderCopy !req
122. in the future?Copy !req
123. Is there a stargate
in your bedroom?Copy !req
124. Can you travel through time,
Jay-Kwelin?Copy !req
125. - No.
- Then sit the flip down!Copy !req
126. Ba-Lakay, l...
Here's the thing.Copy !req
127. I don't even know why
I'm about to ask you this.Copy !req
128. Ba-Lakay,
what club are you in?Copy !req
129. - I'm part of the Spanish club.Copy !req
130. - Span... The Sp...
You about as SpanishCopy !req
131. as Ree-On Seacrest,Copy !req
132. with your big-ass
Fraggle Rock hair!Copy !req
133. How about you, De-Nice?Copy !req
134. - I'm in the chess club.Copy !req
135. - Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,Copy !req
136. you are not
in the chest club.Copy !req
137. The mosquito bite club,
maybe.Copy !req
138. - Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.Copy !req
139. There he is.Copy !req
140. A-Aron...
- Hey.Copy !req
141. - What club are you in?Copy !req
142. - I'm the president
of the glee club.Copy !req
143. Why did I talk?Copy !req
144. - The glee club?
Aah!Copy !req
145. Like they gonna have
a clubCopy !req
146. dedicated to a TV show!Copy !req
147. Take your ass
to O-Shag-Hennessey's officeCopy !req
148. right now,
before I bust a clubCopy !req
149. up in your butt!
- Okay.Copy !req
150. - Go!
- Okay, I'm gonna go.Copy !req
151. - Mischievous and deceitful!Copy !req
152. Chicanerous and deplorable.Copy !req
153. - This is
Principal O'Shaughnessy.Copy !req
154. Students, please report
to the gymnasiumCopy !req
155. for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.Copy !req
156. Now, does anybody in here
have a valid reasonCopy !req
157. for leaving this classroom?
T-Mothy.Copy !req
158. - I gotta go pick up
my daughter.Copy !req
159. - You're excused.Copy !req
160. - Yo, yo, yo, what up,
what up, what up?Copy !req
161. Welcome to Battle Rap,
where we're gonna battle rapCopy !req
162. every day in the month
of February, y'all.Copy !req
163. Yo, I'm your host,
Big Peep-Paroo!Copy !req
164. Roo!
- That's right, that's right,Copy !req
165. that's right, that's right.
To my left, we got the champion.Copy !req
166. Yo, introduce, son!
- Yeah, what's happening?Copy !req
167. This your boy, Rhino D,
and I'm about to fronthand...Copy !req
168. backhand his ass
off the mic!Copy !req
169. - That's right, that's right,
that's right.Copy !req
170. And on my right,
we got the challenger.Copy !req
171. Introduce yourself, playa.
- Yeah, what's up, man?Copy !req
172. I'm Diller Killer,
in the house.Copy !req
173. 100 USD A pure meat.
No filler right here, dog.Copy !req
174. - Hoo! Hoo!
- Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
175. Yo, Diller lost the toss,
so you go first.Copy !req
176. Okay, gentlemen,
battle rap!Copy !req
177. - Ow.
Hit me in the nipple, man.Copy !req
178. - You don't even know, man.
Hey, listen, man.Copy !req
179. You can't even win
this 100-yard dash,Copy !req
180. but let me ask you
a question.Copy !req
181. What do they call that,
a mustache?Copy !req
182. - See what I'm saying?Copy !req
183. - Aah!Copy !req
184. Aah!
- Okay, all right, see...Copy !req
185. Relax, man. Hey, I need you
to relax a little bit.Copy !req
186. - I need you to take it down
a little bit.Copy !req
187. - Ahh!
- What the fuck are you doing?Copy !req
188. I'm telling you, take... Can you
take it down a little bit, man?Copy !req
189. - Come on, what are you,
a horse?Copy !req
190. - Aah!
- That's the last one.Copy !req
191. - All right.
Yo! Hey, man.Copy !req
192. Hey, dog, get your...
Hey, hey!Copy !req
193. I don't want no problems.
I don't want no problems, man.Copy !req
194. Hey, hey, get your...Copy !req
195. - I'm sorry, man.Copy !req
196. Look at that. Look at this.
Look at this.Copy !req
197. Look at it. Look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah.Copy !req
198. Go get it now, go get it.
That's a boy. Oh.Copy !req
199. Yeah, man, here we go.Copy !req
200. - I'm sorry. You okay?
- I'm okay.Copy !req
201. - You all right?
I'm sorry, man. I apologize.Copy !req
202. - Yo, man.
What's wrong with him?Copy !req
203. - Hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, hey!Copy !req
204. - I don't know what to...
Why are you doing me?Copy !req
205. - Aah!
- Why would you... No, listen.Copy !req
206. - Aah!
- No. No, no, no. Come on.Copy !req
207. - Aah!Copy !req
208. - All right,
you guys gotta go, man.Copy !req
209. - No, come on, no, man.
- No, man.Copy !req
210. No, you're all done, man.
- Aah!Copy !req
211. - That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.Copy !req
212. We got a champion still
right here.Copy !req
213. - Yeah, what's happening?Copy !req
214. Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about.Copy !req
215. - Just give me the hat!Copy !req
216. Levi! Levi!Copy !req
217. No, you're hitting people!Copy !req
218. Give me the fucking hat!Copy !req
219. - Listen. Hey, hey.
Listen... Listen, man.Copy !req
220. I want you to look out
on the lake, man.Copy !req
221. I just want you to look out
and imagine a place, man,Copy !req
222. where you can do
your thing, man.Copy !req
223. - Ohh.Copy !req
224. - Where you and I could go
and do our thingCopy !req
225. but never have to forfeit, yeah!
- Yahh.Copy !req
226. - You could scream and shout
and shove peopleCopy !req
227. back and forth,
but we don't never have to quit.Copy !req
228. - Yeah!
- But look out on the lake, man.Copy !req
229. Look out on the lake.
- Ahh.Copy !req
230. - No matter what happens, man,
I start rappin'.Copy !req
231. - Ha!Copy !req
232. - And my rhymes,
they start to flow.Copy !req
233. And I'm turning the tide.Copy !req
234. And no matter what you do,
you can push and shoveCopy !req
235. and scream, but we'll never
get disqualified.Copy !req
236. - La la la!Copy !req
237. Ah ha ha ha!Copy !req
238. Yeah, yeah, ooh!
Ha-ha!Copy !req
239. - Man, for good measure, while
you're looking at the lake,Copy !req
240. just give me
one more good "aah."Copy !req
241. - Aah...Copy !req
242. - You know what'd be great,
is if there wereCopy !req
243. other occupations
that had hype men in them.Copy !req
244. - Yeah.
- Like, you know what I mean?Copy !req
245. Like if a lawyer had
a hype man,Copy !req
246. I think that would be great.
- Yeah, that would...Copy !req
247. - That would really
spice upCopy !req
248. the proceedings
in a courtroom.Copy !req
249. - Your honor, I object.
- Oh, ho ho!Copy !req
250. Oh, he objects!Copy !req
251. He objects!Copy !req
252. - Not only is the prosecution
being argumentative...Copy !req
253. - Oh ho ho!Copy !req
254. This shit is argumentative!Copy !req
255. - This next sketch
is definitely going to get...Copy !req
256. If you are a guy, it's going
to get you in trouble right now.Copy !req
257. There's only one way to say it.
- Yes, let me just throw it out.Copy !req
258. - So we recommend
that you either leave the room,Copy !req
259. turn off the TV...Copy !req
260. - Or play it coo...
Play it cool.Copy !req
261. - Yeah, play it cool.
- Just play it cool.Copy !req
262. - No, you're gonna want
to watch itCopy !req
263. and maybe... maybe get...Copy !req
264. somehow get your lady
out of the room.Copy !req
265. - No, gentlemen, I would suggest
you take a diamond ring...Copy !req
266. - If you have one laying around.
- Of a significant...Copy !req
267. of a significant carat.
- Yeah. Oh, yes.Copy !req
268. - And just chuck it
out a window...Copy !req
269. - Just throw it.Copy !req
270. - As far as you think
you need to.Copy !req
271. - And she'll go,
"What the... What you doing?"Copy !req
272. Hey, girl, I'm home.Copy !req
273. - Hey, boo.
How you doing?Copy !req
274. - Good.
- How was work?Copy !req
275. - Sucked.Copy !req
276. - Aww. Can I ask you
a quick question?Copy !req
277. - Yeah, sure.
What up?Copy !req
278. - I've just been noticing
that every timeCopy !req
279. I leave to go out, the next time
I open the computer,Copy !req
280. the browser history's
been cleared.Copy !req
281. - Hmm. That's weird.Copy !req
282. - Yesterday,
I went food shoppingCopy !req
283. for, like, 15 minutes.Copy !req
284. I used the computer
before I went to the store,Copy !req
285. and when I came back,
my history was gone,Copy !req
286. the cache was cleared,
and the cookies had been reset.Copy !req
287. - Hmm.Copy !req
288. Well, I think sometimes
the computer runsCopy !req
289. an automatic software update,Copy !req
290. so maybe that just kind of
clears the history.Copy !req
291. - Yeah, except when you update
the software,Copy !req
292. a little window pops up,
and you click "okay,"Copy !req
293. and then it gets installed,
so...Copy !req
294. - Hmm.Copy !req
295. I don't know,
maybe there's something wrongCopy !req
296. with the computer,
you know?Copy !req
297. And it's just
one of those things,Copy !req
298. whenever it gets interrupted
from the power source,Copy !req
299. it has to reboot, and it just
totally wipes out the history.Copy !req
300. - Be honest, babe.
It's porn, right?Copy !req
301. - Porn?Copy !req
302. What's...
Oh, pornography?Copy !req
303. No.Copy !req
304. It's okay
if you look at porn.Copy !req
305. I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does.Copy !req
306. I'm perfectly okay
with that,Copy !req
307. as long as it's not
that weird stuff.Copy !req
308. Oh... all right.Copy !req
309. Well, I mean,
kinky's okay.Copy !req
310. I like kinky.Copy !req
311. As long as it's not
that sick, twisted S&M stuff.Copy !req
312. Wow. Um...Copy !req
313. Okay, I'm not gonna judge
your journey.Copy !req
314. It is your fantasy.Copy !req
315. Just as long as you aren't
looking at women who...Copy !req
316. Not women?Copy !req
317. Wow! Okay.Copy !req
318. Men? Chicks with dicks?Copy !req
319. Horses?
Worse than horses?Copy !req
320. Wow.Copy !req
321. - Baby, give me
a little credit.Copy !req
322. None of that matters.Copy !req
323. The only thing that matters
is that when we're doing it,Copy !req
324. I'm thinking about you...Copy !req
325. and you're thinking
about me, right?Copy !req
326. Right, baby?Copy !req
327. - You guys, uh,
you guys know the film...Copy !req
328. The film musical
Les Mls, right?Copy !req
329. People have seen that?
- It came out kind of recently.Copy !req
330. We just know that
so many girlfriendsCopy !req
331. got their guy to see it
by just being like,Copy !req
332. hey, your boy Wolverine
is in there.Copy !req
333. - Wha... No. No, he ain't.
He ain't in there.Copy !req
334. - Yes, he is.
- Wolverine ain't in no Les Mls.Copy !req
335. - Your boy Wolverine.
Ta-ching. Ta-ching.Copy !req
336. That's your boy.
He in there.Copy !req
337. - He ain't in there.
- He is in there, though.Copy !req
338. - He ain't in there, though.
- Yes, he is.Copy !req
339. - Who else in it?
- Gladiator.Copy !req
340. - Hell no.
- Yes.Copy !req
341. That's your boy.Copy !req
342. Maximus is in the movie.Copy !req
343. - You ain't trying
to trick me?Copy !req
344. - I ain't trying
to trick you.Copy !req
345. - Well, let's go, then.
- Let's go.Copy !req
346. - Ah, man, she's just... He's
like, oh, man, come on. What?Copy !req
347. That ain't Wolverine.
- That's Wolverine.Copy !req
348. - That ain't Wolverine, though.
- That's Wolverine, though.Copy !req
349. - That ain't Wolverine, though.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
350. - No, that ain't Wolverine.
- No, that's your man.Copy !req
351. That's your man.
That's your dog.Copy !req
352. And, look, there Catwoman
up on this bitch.Copy !req
353. - Catwoman?
- That's for you.Copy !req
354. I did this for you.
- Oh, wait a minute.Copy !req
355. - I come to the movies
for you.Copy !req
356. - Can't we speak?Copy !req
357. - Is the city on fire?
What's with all the smoke?Copy !req
358. Oh, now we're all ears.Copy !req
359. Great.Copy !req
360. - Hello, my fellow Americans.Copy !req
361. With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.Copy !req
362. - Hi!Copy !req
363. - Now, the first year
of my second termCopy !req
364. has been a challenge.Copy !req
365. - Cluster... fuck!Copy !req
366. - Tonight, I'd like
to address the concernsCopy !req
367. of the American people
over what they perceiveCopy !req
368. as the U.S. Government spying
on their digitalCopy !req
369. and electronic activities.Copy !req
370. - Man, y'all some deluded,
self-important motherfuckersCopy !req
371. if you think we interested
in your deviant,Copy !req
372. porn-watching asses!Copy !req
373. - I can assure you,
the American people,Copy !req
374. we are not reading
every individual email.Copy !req
375. Rather, we're searching
for key wordsCopy !req
376. that would indicate a threat.Copy !req
377. - And don't worry,
everybody,Copy !req
378. those key words are not
"girl on girl,"Copy !req
379. anal, squirting,
plopping.Copy !req
380. - Hmm. "Plopping"?Copy !req
381. - What the fuck
is "plopping,"Copy !req
382. you dirty motherfuckers?Copy !req
383. - These key words
are being used,Copy !req
384. amongst other things,
to prevent terroristsCopy !req
385. from using weapons
of mass destruction.Copy !req
386. - Not prevent you
from watching videosCopy !req
387. of ass destruction!Copy !req
388. - Now, these policies
have already foiledCopy !req
389. numerous terrorist plots.Copy !req
390. - These are not the kind of
plots that y'all are used to,Copy !req
391. like when a guy
comes in the doorCopy !req
392. with his penis
in a pizza box,Copy !req
393. and a lady sucks on it.Copy !req
394. - And I assure youCopy !req
395. that the country's
gotten saferCopy !req
396. since the end
of the Bush era.Copy !req
397. - And I ain't talking
about the President. Boop.Copy !req
398. - These policies have allowed us
to probe and penetrate...Copy !req
399. - I know y'all been probin...
- Into the deep... No, Luther.Copy !req
400. Just,
what I'm trying to say isCopy !req
401. that there have been numerous
terrorist cells fingered...Copy !req
402. - You guys think...
- And that... Luther.Copy !req
403. - Okay, Luther,Copy !req
404. why are you trying to undermine
the PresidentCopy !req
405. with your juvenile
sexual innuendo?Copy !req
406. - The average American
has nothing to fearCopy !req
407. from these policies.Copy !req
408. - Now! If we was
drone-striking perverts,Copy !req
409. our country would look likeCopy !req
410. Mad Max beyond Thunderdome
right about now.Copy !req
411. I'm talking about
a postapocalyptic nightmare!Copy !req
412. - Thank you,
and good night.Copy !req
413. - Go to sleep, y'all.Copy !req
414. - "Plopping"?
- Oh, yes, sir.Copy !req
415. That's when you...Copy !req
416. - Oh.Copy !req
417. Y'all are
some sick motherfuckers.Copy !req
418. - Welcome to Metta World News.Copy !req
419. Our top story: Why are people
always trying to steal my magic?Copy !req
420. In other news,
cat litter can be usedCopy !req
421. to blind people
when fighting.Copy !req
422. Interesting.
I didn't know that.Copy !req
423. Well, that wraps up
Metta World NewsCopy !req
424. for this Wednesday,
February biscuit fountain drink.Copy !req
425. I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.Copy !req
426. - Thank you.Copy !req
427. Thank you.Copy !req
428. - All right.Copy !req
429. So now, everybody,
it's time to...Copy !req
430. go straight to your computerCopy !req
431. and Google "plopping."Copy !req
432. Very sorry.Copy !req
433. - Good night, everybody.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
434. - Good night.
Thank you.Copy !req
435. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
436. - You know, 21/2 hours into the
movie, my man's talking about...Copy !req
437. I came to see Wolverine!Copy !req
438. - You did.Copy !req
439. - He don't got
his healing powers no more!Copy !req
440. - That's your boy.
I know, baby.Copy !req
441. - He can't come
back from the dead.Copy !req
442. - I know.Copy !req
443. - He trying
to have a revolution!Copy !req
444. - I know. Let it out.
Ripped By mstollCopy !req