1. Hey, watch where the
you going.Copy !req
2. - Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh.Copy !req
3. I didn't see you had
a baby there, man.Copy !req
4. I'm sorry. I ain't trying
to fight nobody with a baby.Copy !req
5. Yeah, h-hell yeah,
you won't.Copy !req
6. Pfft.Copy !req
7. - Lucky mother.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
8. Well, you're lucky
I'm carrying this baby.Copy !req
9. What's up with that?Copy !req
10. Look, man, you need
to move on, all right?Copy !req
11. I already told you
I'm not gonna fight you.Copy !req
12. Huh.
That's what I thought, punk.Copy !req
13. - Psh.
- You wanna go?Copy !req
14. 'Cause we can go
right now, dog.Copy !req
15. What's goin' on, brother?Copy !req
16. Man, what the hell
are you doing, man?Copy !req
17. What, what, what?
You tr... what, what?Copy !req
18. Tryin' to bo...
I can bob and weave it.Copy !req
19. - What?
- You bitch-ass,Copy !req
20. punk-ass mother,
let's go.Copy !req
21. Come on, man.
Come on.Copy !req
22. No, no, don't look at your boys.
Look at me, man.Copy !req
23. Don't look at your b...Copy !req
24. Ow.Copy !req
25. Oh, okay,
you think you hard.Copy !req
26. All right,
but you know what?Copy !req
27. I'ma show you what time it is
right now. Okay? Slap me.Copy !req
28. I'm just... right?
How 'bout this, huh?Copy !req
29. Now what you gonna do, huh?
Now what you gonna do?Copy !req
30. You ready?
'cause we can do it right now.Copy !req
31. 'Cause I could take you out,
man.Copy !req
32. You're nothing...
Aaah...Copy !req
33. Ow!Copy !req
34. Oh! Oof.Copy !req
35. Okay.Copy !req
36. Oh, it's on now.Copy !req
37. That's... yep.Copy !req
38. You dead.
You dead.Copy !req
39. Excuse me, I need this.Copy !req
40. Yeah.Copy !req
41. Necesito un bebe.Copy !req
42. - Gracias.Copy !req
43. Listen.Copy !req
44. What the...Copy !req
45. What now, man?
What now?Copy !req
46. Let's go.Copy !req
47. You know what?
It's not even worth it, man.Copy !req
48. Ahh, ha ha.Copy !req
49. That's what I thought!Copy !req
50. So keep walking!Copy !req
51. Oh. Okay, that's vomit.Copy !req
52. That is vomit.Copy !req
53. Oh, dear.Copy !req
54. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
55. You know what's going on.Copy !req
56. - Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
57. - Thank you!
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
58. Hello!Copy !req
59. Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
60. - I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
61. - Key and Peele.
- Thank you for coming out.Copy !req
62. That's our names.Copy !req
63. All right.Copy !req
64. So one thing that is trueCopy !req
65. is that I would never, uh,
last in a gang.Copy !req
66. - Nor would I.
- No.Copy !req
67. Nor would I,
not for one moment.Copy !req
68. I mean, I don't get
the whole hand sign thing.Copy !req
69. - Mm-hmm.
- I'd be throwing up,Copy !req
70. "Hey, live long and prosper,
mother."Copy !req
71. You know?Copy !req
72. - That's what I got.
- I...Copy !req
73. I would be too concerned
about the colors.Copy !req
74. - Right.
- I would just be too c...Copy !req
75. I would... 'cause I don't
understand the colors.Copy !req
76. I don't understand
the rhyme or the reason.Copy !req
77. Now, Bloods...
I get that one.Copy !req
78. Why are Crips blue?Copy !req
79. Is that a arbitrary choice?
Is there a Crip in the house?Copy !req
80. Nobody? Nobody?Copy !req
81. I'm just... I'm just...Copy !req
82. Yes, ma'am, please.
Why are the Crips blue?Copy !req
83. She just r...Copy !req
84. "I'm a Crip.
I'm a Crip.Copy !req
85. "I'm a Crip.
Say somethin' else."Copy !req
86. - "Watch yourself."
- "Say somethin' else."Copy !req
87. "Watch
yourself.Copy !req
88. "'Cause,
I got three gunsCopy !req
89. on me right now."Copy !req
90. What? What? What?Copy !req
91. What? What? What?
Check yo'self,Copy !req
92. before I body pierce
your damn skull.Copy !req
93. Think you can pull that trigger
'fore I blow your personalityCopy !req
94. out the back of yo' head?Copy !req
95. Then go right ahead
and test the hypothesisCopy !req
96. and see what happens.Copy !req
97. A'ight, I'ma give you
a straight-up vampire C-section,Copy !req
98. - like we was...
- Edward and Bella.Copy !req
99. Hold up.
You like Twilight?Copy !req
100. Yeah, I like Twilight,Copy !req
101. You like Twilight?Copy !req
102. , Twilight's
my jam.Copy !req
103. You a Edward
or a Jacob?Copy !req
104. Answer that
together.Copy !req
105. - Three, two, one.
- Edward.Copy !req
106. - Shi...
- Shi...Copy !req
107. - Are you ing with me?
- Are you ing with me?Copy !req
108. You either playing
some ed-up game,Copy !req
109. or you are straight-up
inside my head.Copy !req
110. Yo, and when you said
you was gonna blowCopy !req
111. my personality
out the back of my head,Copy !req
112. I'm like,Copy !req
113. "That sounds like some
I would say."Copy !req
114. - Psh.
- And now this Twilight?Copy !req
115. - It's wavelength,Copy !req
116. - So I guess we friends then.
- Oh, we best friends now.Copy !req
117. We the best of friends!Copy !req
118. - BFFs?
- We are BFFs, M.F.Copy !req
119. No, you didn't!Copy !req
120. - No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did!Copy !req
121. That is a cra...
That's a crazy story, man.Copy !req
122. Whew, too much, boy.Copy !req
123. Team...Copy !req
124. Edward.Copy !req
125. Mm, mm, mm.Copy !req
126. Well, looks like
another gang-related killing.Copy !req
127. Surprise, sur-mother-
prise.Copy !req
128. You guys remember the
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?Copy !req
129. - Awful show.
- That show was crazy.Copy !req
130. It was, like, the worst editing
in the history of TV.Copy !req
131. Just bad sound effects.Copy !req
132. Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I mean...Copy !req
133. When was the last time
you heard a hit sound like that?Copy !req
134. - That doesn't sound like any...
- No, never.Copy !req
135. No, I've never...
I've never heard that, yeah.Copy !req
136. I love in kung fu movies,
and it, probably... it'd be like,Copy !req
137. just the wind, just...Copy !req
138. And you just hear that noise.Copy !req
139. - No, you can't.
- Exactly, no, you can't do that.Copy !req
140. Yellow Falcon,
what do your senses tell ya?Copy !req
141. Destructo is
a killing machine.Copy !req
142. His armor is impervious
to our blasters.Copy !req
143. You got any ideas,
Red Falcon?Copy !req
144. Sure do, Yellow Falcon.Copy !req
145. Blue Falcon, you remember
our battle at Dango Bluff?Copy !req
146. I'll take the legs,
you take the blasters.Copy !req
147. It was Beaver Creek,
and I took the legs.Copy !req
148. Make sure you shore up
that flank, Black Falcon.Copy !req
149. Um, are you talking to me?Copy !req
150. Because I'm
the Green Falcon.Copy !req
151. No time for that,
Black Falcon.Copy !req
152. Purple Falcon,
arm missiles!Copy !req
153. Roger that.
Arming missiles now.Copy !req
154. Uh...Copy !req
155. Battle formations.
We're going in.Copy !req
156. - Hey.
- Roger that.Copy !req
157. - Hold up.
- Copy that.Copy !req
158. - Roger.
- My Falcon is green.Copy !req
159. Hey, hey, hey.
We can talk aboutCopy !req
160. our Falcon colors when we get
back to base, Black Falcon.Copy !req
161. Right now,
we got a mission to do.Copy !req
162. Fall into Falcon formation.Copy !req
163. Well, now, here's the issue
is that, you're gonnaCopy !req
164. give me an order, I'm not gonna
know you're talking to me.Copy !req
165. 'Cause... I'm not
in a Black Falcon.Copy !req
166. Come on, chill it out,
Black Falcon.Copy !req
167. Yeah, Black Falcon,
relax.Copy !req
168. First of all,
I don't like the wayCopy !req
169. you guys are saying "black."Copy !req
170. Second of all,
there is no Black Falcon!Copy !req
171. I'm Green Falcon!Copy !req
172. Black Falcon, homie,Copy !req
173. no one's trying to get up
in your grill here.Copy !req
174. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Don't talk to me like that.Copy !req
175. No, don't say "grill"
like that.Copy !req
176. I'm the Green Falcon,
and I...Copy !req
177. Oh, stop being
so Black Falcon about it.Copy !req
178. What the
do you mean by that?Copy !req
179. Black Falcon, brother,Copy !req
180. I understand
what you're going through.Copy !req
181. Do you?
No, I don't think you do.Copy !req
182. How would you feel if
I called you Red Falcon, huh?Copy !req
183. Whoa!Copy !req
184. And Purple Falcon,Copy !req
185. how would you feel if I called
you Yellow Falcon, huh?Copy !req
186. - That's racist.
- That was racist.Copy !req
187. - Yeah, that's racist.
- Ooh, that is racist.Copy !req
188. That's racist?Copy !req
189. Oh, see, okay,
nope, forget it.Copy !req
190. Black Falcon out...
Green Falcon!Copy !req
191. Green Falcon! Damn it!Copy !req
192. Hey! Why'd that Green Falcon
fall out of Falcon formation?Copy !req
193. Black Falcon,
get on that and report back.Copy !req
194. Black Falcon?
Black Falcon, come in.Copy !req
195. You know what's ridiculous?
When people go to prisonCopy !req
196. because they... they're trying
to cover for somebody else.Copy !req
197. - Yeah.
- Don't go to prison.Copy !req
198. If you... if you do...
if you didn't do the crime...Copy !req
199. Don't do the time.Copy !req
200. It's true.Copy !req
201. And that's one to grow on.Copy !req
202. But, you know,
in prison they, you know...Copy !req
203. It's not worth anything.Copy !req
204. - No, it's not.
- It's not worth anythingCopy !req
205. to just straight-up
get manhandled, and horseplayed,Copy !req
206. and monkeyed around.
No, you don't want any...Copy !req
207. - Eh, yeah, no.
- You don't want to haveCopy !req
208. animal interactions
with another man behind bars.Copy !req
209. I don't want
any rascally behavior.Copy !req
210. - I don't need...
- You don't want...Copy !req
211. everybody's undying respect
when I get out is not worth it.Copy !req
212. - No, and as a matter of fact...
- I don't care.Copy !req
213. You might not get
that undying respect...Copy !req
214. - Respect, yes.
- If, you know...Copy !req
215. when you fart it goes...
wooh... like a bottle.Copy !req
216. Like a bottle.Copy !req
217. Like an empt...Copy !req
218. I'm sorry.Copy !req
219. Ma'am...
Breathe.Copy !req
220. Yo, man, you okay in here?Copy !req
221. Everyone on the outside
know you didn't talk.Copy !req
222. We got mad respect
for you, dog.Copy !req
223. All right?
Mad respect.Copy !req
224. Yes.Copy !req
225. And I am still happy
with that decision.Copy !req
226. The first time
I was in lockup,Copy !req
227. dog, I was scared
less, man.Copy !req
228. Scared less, yes.
That is an...Copy !req
229. accurate way
to describe it.Copy !req
230. Yeah, man, but, you know,Copy !req
231. it wasn't too long before
I made this place my bitch.Copy !req
232. Oh, eh, there's plenty
of that going on.Copy !req
233. Yo, I ran this place, man.Copy !req
234. Come on, man, you must be
running this hole.Copy !req
235. Well, I am doing
quite a bit of running.Copy !req
236. Man, you know there's a
certain pecking order in prison.Copy !req
237. You know, you got
the brothers on the top,Copy !req
238. and you got the brothers
on the bottom.Copy !req
239. You understand.Copy !req
240. Yes, I understand that
very clearlyCopy !req
241. and very frequently.Copy !req
242. That's my dog.Copy !req
243. Now...Copy !req
244. the reason I came, though,
is we got kind of a problem.Copy !req
245. You know a crazy brother in here
go by the name of "Seven Inch"?Copy !req
246. Yes.
I definitely know Seven Inch.Copy !req
247. All right,
well Seven Inch runCopy !req
248. with the Willis brothers,
all right?Copy !req
249. And he knows
some that...Copy !req
250. Well, let's just say we can't
have this guy naming names.Copy !req
251. All right?Copy !req
252. We thought since you
on the inside,Copy !req
253. you could take care of it.Copy !req
254. You know what
I'm talking about?Copy !req
255. You want me
to take care of Seven Inch?Copy !req
256. Yeah, you know,
just take him out the equation.Copy !req
257. The problem is
getting time with him.Copy !req
258. Oh, I can get time
with him.Copy !req
259. Oh, yes, I do believe
I will most likelyCopy !req
260. be seeing him this evening.Copy !req
261. That's awesome.Copy !req
262. Okay, but you...
you gotta get him alone, though.Copy !req
263. Ohhh...
That won't be a problem.Copy !req
264. Okay, well, uh...Copy !req
265. What's your plan, man?
How you gonna do it?Copy !req
266. What do you say
I bite his off?Copy !req
267. Excuse me?Copy !req
268. Just bring my teeth down hard
on his.Copy !req
269. Dog, how you...
how you gonna get that close?Copy !req
270. Just... Way ahead of you
on that one.Copy !req
271. Oh, man.
You bad, man.Copy !req
272. That's... that's some
hard, dog.Copy !req
273. This place
has changed you, man.Copy !req
274. You have no idea.Copy !req
275. - I'm scared of cops.
- You're scared of cops?Copy !req
276. I'm scared of cops.Copy !req
277. I-I mean, I'm generally
afraid of cops becauseCopy !req
278. when I walk around with, like,
a black friend,Copy !req
279. like you...Copy !req
280. I start... I start talking
a little bit more thugCopy !req
281. - 'cause, you know...
- No, I know.Copy !req
282. - We nee... yeah.
- Because we need the extra power.Copy !req
283. - We need this.
- To make one full black person.Copy !req
284. - We need this.
- So, you know.Copy !req
285. It's gotta be right aboutCopy !req
286. - this level right...
- I swear to God...Copy !req
287. But you know what I'm saying,
brother?Copy !req
288. You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
289. Didn't you just get more
comfortable all of a sudden?Copy !req
290. Yeah, all right.Copy !req
291. So, but a cop... if a cop
comes up to me on the street and,Copy !req
292. "Hey, what are you guys doing?"Copy !req
293. I-I turn into
Ned Flanders.Copy !req
294. It's all, "Hi-dee-oh.Copy !req
295. "Doing just fine.
Just walking down the streetCopy !req
296. "on a stroll, my friend.Copy !req
297. "Come on, follow me.Copy !req
298. "We'll find some criminals
together, let's do it."Copy !req
299. Oh, man.Copy !req
300. - "I'll tell on anyone."
- So...Copy !req
301. "I'll tell on..."Copy !req
302. Was I speeding, officer?Copy !req
303. You don't look like
you're from around here.Copy !req
304. No, sir.Copy !req
305. You been doing
any drugs tonight?Copy !req
306. No, sir.Copy !req
307. - Nope?
- No.Copy !req
308. Why don't you
pop that trunk,Copy !req
309. step out of the vehicle
for me, please.Copy !req
310. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
311. No drugs, huh?Copy !req
312. Nope.Copy !req
313. Well, well, well.Copy !req
314. What have we here?Copy !req
315. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You planted that in my car.Copy !req
316. Oh, did I?Copy !req
317. Or... did I plant this?Copy !req
318. Uh... I real... I guess...Copy !req
319. Up against the car,
right now.Copy !req
320. - Oh!
- Spread 'em!Copy !req
321. - Uh...
- Huh, what's going...Copy !req
322. Whoa, whoa.
What do we have here, huh?Copy !req
323. - What?
- These your colors, homie?Copy !req
324. - That's... that's not mine. Huh...
- Huh?Copy !req
325. - No, I don't know what that...
- What? No?Copy !req
326. Or are these your colors?Copy !req
327. Or perhaps these
are your colors.Copy !req
328. Or are these...?
Look at all these colors.Copy !req
329. Man, you sure got
a lot of colors.Copy !req
330. - I don't...
- Look at all of these colors.Copy !req
331. - What, this is...
- Wasah!Copy !req
332. - Are you a real cop?
- Freeze!Copy !req
333. What is that?Copy !req
334. Mm.Copy !req
335. Well, well, well.Copy !req
336. It looks like
an illegal firearm.Copy !req
337. Or...Copy !req
338. Is it? Ahh.Copy !req
339. Oh.Copy !req
340. I'm... I don't...
I don't know what this is.Copy !req
341. - I'm sorry.
- Pick a card.Copy !req
342. That's not even a good fan.Copy !req
343. Any card.
You can just stick... there.Copy !req
344. - Okay, you took that card?
- Yeah.Copy !req
345. - Now, can you remember that card?
- Yes.Copy !req
346. Can you commit that card
to memory?Copy !req
347. - This is unbelievable.
- Have you done so?Copy !req
348. - Have you done so?
- Yes.Copy !req
349. Please insert the card back
into the deck randomly.Copy !req
350. Done.Copy !req
351. It's in a different place than
where you took it originally?Copy !req
352. - There.
- There we are. There we are.Copy !req
353. - This is ridiculous.
- Now, I take the deck like so.Copy !req
354. I give it a "skasloisles"
and "abracasloish."Copy !req
355. Uh, fu... wha...Copy !req
356. Okay...Copy !req
357. Ahh. Is this...
your card?Copy !req
358. - No!
- Are you sure?Copy !req
359. I want your badge number.Copy !req
360. Oh. Oh. Oh!Copy !req
361. Uh... uh... wha...Copy !req
362. Okay...Copy !req
363. - Oh!
- Haah.Copy !req
364. Uh...Copy !req
365. It's my ca...
How did you do that?Copy !req
366. Ahh.Copy !req
367. And...Copy !req
368. that is for you.Copy !req
369. After all that,
you're still giving me a ticket?Copy !req
370. Is it a ticket?Copy !req
371. Or is it a two-for-one coupon
for my showCopy !req
372. at the Magic House
Thursday night at 11:00 p.m.?Copy !req
373. Your call.Copy !req
374. I'll take the ticket.Copy !req
375. Great. Okay.Copy !req
376. Do you want to talk
about that tweet?Copy !req
377. - Well there... yes, there was...
- Yeah.Copy !req
378. Wha... uh, a few months ago,
I did a...Copy !req
379. a tweet that,
uh... it was a...Copy !req
380. basically,
a hypothetical.Copy !req
381. - Mm-hmm.
- And it asked the question,Copy !req
382. "What if names were farts?"Copy !req
383. - Mm-hmm.
- What if,Copy !req
384. instead of names,
we had signature farts?Copy !req
385. We were identified,
personally, by farts.Copy !req
386. And we felt
that it was a good idea...Copy !req
387. to use lots
of Comedy Central's moneyCopy !req
388. to bring you this scene
based on that very premise.Copy !req
389. Shame on you if you laugh.Copy !req
390. Please, enjoy.Copy !req
391. - Honey, someone's here.
- Oh. Okay.Copy !req
392. Oh, hey ...,
good to see you.Copy !req
393. Thanks for having us,Copy !req
394. This is my girlfriend,Copy !req
395. We're so happy
you could join us.Copy !req
396. And this is my wife,Copy !req
397. So this is the infamousCopy !req
398. and...Copy !req
399. has told me
so much about you both.Copy !req
400. All good things I hope.Copy !req
401. You can never trust...Copy !req
402. Hey, wait a minute.Copy !req
403. And please, please,
don't call me...Copy !req
404. It makes me think
my mother's around someplace.Copy !req
405. Oh.Copy !req
406. Hey, you know, where is
little ...?Copy !req
407. Oh, she's at ...'s house
for a slumber party.Copy !req
408. - Ah.
- Oh, um... and ...,Copy !req
409. there's... this is the couple
from New YorkCopy !req
410. that we wanted you guys
to meet.Copy !req
411. Uh, this is...
and her husband...Copy !req
412. They're gonna be in New York
for a few weeks,Copy !req
413. so we were hoping you could
give them some tips.Copy !req
414. - Ooh.
- Sure.Copy !req
415. Oh, that'd be great.Copy !req
416. So, how do you know
and ...?Copy !req
417. Oh, well...
and I went toCopy !req
418. School of Dramatic Arts,Copy !req
419. back when...
was working in midtown.Copy !req
420. - Mm.
- Oh, where did you work?Copy !req
421. I was at ...,Copy !req
422. and...Copy !req
423. Oh, the law firm.Copy !req
424. - Hey!
- Oh, hey.Copy !req
425. - Ha!
- How are you?Copy !req
426. - It's so good to see you.
- Good to see you.Copy !req
427. Come here.
Hey, everybody,Copy !req
428. this is...Copy !req
429. I want you meet
one of my dearest,Copy !req
430. oldest friends...Copy !req
431. This is his girlfriend,Copy !req
432. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
433. - Hello.
- Of course, you know...Copy !req
434. - Oh, hi.
- This is ...,Copy !req
435. and this is her husband,Copy !req
436. - Hi.
- What a beautiful name.Copy !req
437. You know, I knew
a...Copy !req
438. in grad school.Copy !req
439. Oh.Copy !req
440. Well, thank you,
but it's actually pronouncedCopy !req
441. Wow, I swear that sounds like
what you were saying...Copy !req
442. I don't know.Copy !req
443. Anyways, it's lovely
to meet you all.Copy !req
444. Yeah, yeah, okay, yes.Copy !req
445. Robert!Copy !req
446. I'm so sorry.
Heinrich!Copy !req
447. I'll...Copy !req
448. show myself to the restroom.Copy !req
449. Wow, uh...Copy !req
450. - Jeez.
- So rude.Copy !req
451. Well, for ...'s sake.Copy !req
452. Thank you, everybody.Copy !req
453. Thank you so much
for coming out.Copy !req
454. I am the Yellow Falcon.Copy !req
455. I am the Black Fal...
Green Falcon!Copy !req
456. - Green, oh—
- Green Falcon!Copy !req
457. Good night, everybody.
Take care.Copy !req
458. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
459. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
460. What is a jeté?
What is that?Copy !req
461. - He wanna—
- You're gonna have to come up and show us.Copy !req
462. - I got it. I got it.
- That's terrific.Copy !req
463. Ready Avery? Watch my form!Copy !req