1. Okay, this is it.
Any questions?Copy !req
2. Everybody knows
what they're doing, right?Copy !req
3. 'Cause we got one shot
at this.Copy !req
4. There's no dumb questions,
you guys.Copy !req
5. Did you have a question?
No?Copy !req
6. So all you guys know
exactly what your job is.Copy !req
7. Okay, so, on my count.Copy !req
8. Three, two, one.Copy !req
9. Go, go, go, go!Copy !req
10. Whoa!Copy !req
11. Yah!Copy !req
12. Unbelievable.Copy !req
13. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
14. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
15. Whoo! Hello!Copy !req
16. Thanks for coming out.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
17. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
18. Welcome.Copy !req
19. Thank you so much.Copy !req
20. So...Copy !req
21. - Sometimes I get the giggles.
- You get the giggles?Copy !req
22. I get the giggles
when we're doing this.Copy !req
23. Brother, you were
born with the giggles, man.Copy !req
24. I came out of the womb...Copy !req
25. giggling.Copy !req
26. - Giggling.
- It's hilarious in there!Copy !req
27. The best laughter
and the hardest to not laughCopy !req
28. is when you're
not supposed to laugh.Copy !req
29. Right, exactly.
That's like...Copy !req
30. And you guys be just laughing
just in church for no reason.Copy !req
31. Church is a deathtrap.Copy !req
32. Or the worst is when
you're getting the giggles...Copy !req
33. And the wor... is when the priest
or the minister says this...Copy !req
34. "Because the Lord
is inside of you."Copy !req
35. He'll go,
"why are you laughing?"Copy !req
36. - Don't laugh. Yeah.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
37. It's wor... it's the worst.Copy !req
38. Are you... are you the type
of guy who... you cry at a movie?Copy !req
39. - I cry buckets at movies.
- At like...Copy !req
40. - At comedies I cry.
- No, no...Copy !req
41. 'cause I...
"I could've got that job."Copy !req
42. So, your wife...Copy !req
43. So, you just cry out in the open
if you're sitting next to your wife.Copy !req
44. Oh yeah... If I'm... if I... if a tear
is about to come down my face,Copy !req
45. I'm at a sad movie,Copy !req
46. I'll just be using gravity
on this motherto spill it out.Copy !req
47. What? Sir, are you having
a hard time hearing the film?Copy !req
48. No, I-I was looking 'cause
you got a beautiful ceiling.Copy !req
49. - Oh, thank you very much.
- Craftsmanship up there.Copy !req
50. I appreciate it,
yeah, yeah.Copy !req
51. I'm sorry, baby,
hold on a second, baby,Copy !req
52. Hold on a second, baby,
I'm just looking at the ceiling.Copy !req
53. Carvell thanks you for coming.Copy !req
54. First order of business,
I'm sure you allCopy !req
55. heard that Twigs got pulled
out the river this morning.Copy !req
56. It ain't no secretCopy !req
57. that he and Carvell
grew up in the hood together.Copy !req
58. So listen up.Copy !req
59. 'Cause Carvell
about to say some words.Copy !req
60. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
61. Don't none of you
look at them tearsCopy !req
62. and think that
is funny.Copy !req
63. Because it takes a big
man to cry in front of his crew.Copy !req
64. Go ahead, Carvell.Copy !req
65. Y'all know Twigs was my boy.Copy !req
66. Back in the day,Copy !req
67. we used to pretend
the sofa cushions was a fort.Copy !req
68. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
69. And we used to pretend
that the floor was molten lava.Copy !req
70. Oh...Copy !req
71. Okay, you know what,
though?Copy !req
72. There ain't nothing funny
'bout that.Copy !req
73. Of course this man is crying.Copy !req
74. 'Cause he and Twigs
was kids together. Okay?Copy !req
75. You know what I mean?Copy !req
76. They was best friends
forever and.Copy !req
77. Go ahead, Carvell.Copy !req
78. We used to play Care Bears.Copy !req
79. Mmm-hmm.
Hmm-hmm.Copy !req
80. Twigs and I would spend
the good part of an afternoonCopy !req
81. trying to figure out
which C-C-Care Bear we was.Copy !req
82. Oh, oh...Copy !req
83. Oh...Copy !req
84. I wish one of y'all
motherCopy !req
85. Would just start laughing,Copy !req
86. 'cause you all know
you think this is funny.Copy !req
87. Carvell over here, blubbering
and talking 'bout Care Bears.Copy !req
88. But you know what?Copy !req
89. But you...Copy !req
90. Those are manly tears!
Okay?Copy !req
91. Those some manly-ass tearsCopy !req
92. right there that you lookin' at!Copy !req
93. Go ahead, Carvell.Copy !req
94. And then...Copy !req
95. And then... and then...
and then... and... and... and...Copy !req
96. Mm, I'm sorry, man.Copy !req
97. That was a weird-ass sneeze
I just did right there.Copy !req
98. God damn it.Copy !req
99. Can a brother get some
claritin up in here?Copy !req
100. Go ahead, Carvell.Copy !req
101. Twigs always
fancied himself Share Bear.Copy !req
102. Mm...Copy !req
103. I always...Copy !req
104. I always thought...
thought of myselfCopy !req
105. thought of myself
as more of a Funshine Bear.Copy !req
106. Mm... okay.Copy !req
107. Okay, all you need
to respect that right there!Copy !req
108. Okay? Y'all need to listen
to Funshi...Copy !req
109. I'm so... I'm sorry, man.Copy !req
110. You a Funshine Bear, man.
I'm sorry, that...Copy !req
111. That is some funny.Copy !req
112. Whoa, whoa.Copy !req
113. All right.
Let's go sell some crack.Copy !req
114. Jahari, my friend.Copy !req
115. There are a lot of beautiful
women out here today.Copy !req
116. Yeah.Copy !req
117. Karim, my friend,
you speak the truth.Copy !req
118. Well, I do what I can.Copy !req
119. - Ooh.
- Oh...Copy !req
120. - Wow.
- Right?Copy !req
121. - Ha-ha.
- Blip.Copy !req
122. Sha-bloimps.Copy !req
123. You know, I caught a little
glimpse of her foot nut.Copy !req
124. You saw ankle bone?Copy !req
125. Well...Copy !req
126. Got some ankle cleavage,
you dirty devil, huh?Copy !req
127. - You saw?
- God, I saw.Copy !req
128. Very good, very good...Copy !req
129. Mm.Copy !req
130. - Hmm-hmm.
- Oh...Copy !req
131. Dude, did you see
the bridge on that nose?Copy !req
132. I mean, if it is
any indication...Copy !req
133. - Wow.
- Hhh-holy garbanzo beans.Copy !req
134. I'll tell you what.
That is a bridge I'd like to cross.Copy !req
135. This is my boy.
This is my boy.Copy !req
136. This is my boy.Copy !req
137. Oh.Copy !req
138. Hmm.Copy !req
139. - Not a lot to go on there.
- Not really. Not really.Copy !req
140. - Good height.
- Good height.Copy !req
141. - Good height.
- Crazy tall.Copy !req
142. Yeah, like 5'9".Copy !req
143. Heh...Copy !req
144. Come on. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
145. Come on. She's tall.
She's tall. She's tall.Copy !req
146. That's right. She's tall.
There's nothing to be done.Copy !req
147. Getting wet. Let me see...Copy !req
148. Let me see it from behind.
Let me see it from behind.Copy !req
149. That's how you hit it.
That's how you hit it.Copy !req
150. Jahari, can I tell you something
in confidence right now?Copy !req
151. Okay.Copy !req
152. I'm a virgin.Copy !req
153. I went down to Georgia
a couple years ago,Copy !req
154. and I was just... oh...Copy !req
155. It's not funny, it's just...Copy !req
156. - That's...
- just... just a fact.Copy !req
157. It's just what happened.Copy !req
158. Trying to get
to the funny part.Copy !req
159. White people come up to you.
"Hey.Copy !req
160. "So, you like Darius, huh?
You like Darius?"Copy !req
161. "What the? Darius?
What are you talking to me..."Copy !req
162. - "You like Darius?"
- Darius Rucker?Copy !req
163. "Hootie, man. Hootie.Copy !req
164. Hootie, man.
Don't you love Hootie?Copy !req
165. He's huge down there.Copy !req
166. He's enormous.
As a country star.Copy !req
167. Darius Rucker.
Huge down there.Copy !req
168. There's only like three ever.
Charley Pride,Copy !req
169. Darius Rucker...Copy !req
170. There's only two.Copy !req
171. There's two of 'em.Copy !req
172. Ladies and gentlemen,
Darius Rucker.Copy !req
173. Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
174. Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
175. Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
176. - No, no.
- Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
177. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
178. I'm not in Hootie
and the Blowfish anymore, y'all.Copy !req
179. Doing my own thing.Copy !req
180. What do you mean "in Hootie"?Copy !req
181. Because you are Hootie, man!Copy !req
182. - Come on, everybody!
- Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
183. - Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...
- No, no...Copy !req
184. No, no, no, all right,
now... now... now stop it, stop it.Copy !req
185. I'm not Hootie.
I'm Darius Rucker. All right?Copy !req
186. I used to be the front manCopy !req
187. for a band called
Hootie & the Blowfish.Copy !req
188. All right,
but I was never Hootie.Copy !req
189. There was never a Hootie.Copy !req
190. Just... if I may...
if I may ask,Copy !req
191. where are the Blowfish at,
right, guys?Copy !req
192. Come on, everybody!
Blowfish!Copy !req
193. Blowfish, Blowfish, Blowfish...Copy !req
194. No, no, no! The...Copy !req
195. There are no people known
as "the Blowfish," y'all.Copy !req
196. Okay?Copy !req
197. The whole band was just called
Hootie & the Blowfish. That's it.Copy !req
198. It was a nonsense name.Copy !req
199. Like Hoobastank.
Or Toad the Wet Sprocket.Copy !req
200. Oh.Copy !req
201. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
202. What? What is it, man?Copy !req
203. I see. I get it now.
I understand.Copy !req
204. Hey, we gotta pick, y'all!Copy !req
205. - We gotta choose between...
- No, no...Copy !req
206. Hootie or the Blowfish!Copy !req
207. So, who wants to see
the Blowfish?Copy !req
208. There's no Blowfish.Copy !req
209. And who wants
to see Hootie?Copy !req
210. Hey.Copy !req
211. Hey, that... that hurts
my feelings, y'all.Copy !req
212. Yeah, but you said
you weren't Hootie.Copy !req
213. No, I'm not, sir.Copy !req
214. But in the question
you just asked the audience,Copy !req
215. I-I was clearly Hootie.Copy !req
216. - So you are Hootie!
- I'm not, though.Copy !req
217. He is Hootie!
Yeah!Copy !req
218. No...Copy !req
219. Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
220. Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,Copy !req
221. Hootie, Hootie,Copy !req
222. Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,Copy !req
223. Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
224. Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...Copy !req
225. I'm Hootie!Copy !req
226. I'm Hootie! Aah!Copy !req
227. I...Copy !req
228. am your substitute...Copy !req
229. Mr. Nostrand.Copy !req
230. But that might as well say,
"No nonsense,"Copy !req
231. because I...Copy !req
232. do not...
play.Copy !req
233. Now, today will not be
a day off.Copy !req
234. In fact, today,
you will work harder than...Copy !req
235. Somebody call
a Code Brown up in here.Copy !req
236. See you later,
Mr. Pootstrand!Copy !req
237. Jordan and I
love action movies.Copy !req
238. We love, you know, movies
where people are trying to...Copy !req
239. you know, smuggle contra...Copy !req
240. Like, Breaking Bad's
like our favorite show.Copy !req
241. Mm-hmm. Yeah.Copy !req
242. Also like The Wire
and New Jack City.Copy !req
243. Yeah,
like that kind of stuff.Copy !req
244. - And anything that like...
- It intrigues us, yeah.Copy !req
245. Yeah, portrays African-Americans
as criminals.Copy !req
246. In the worst possible light.Copy !req
247. We just...Copy !req
248. - We love that. We love that.
- So, shame on us.Copy !req
249. But something
that always cracks me up.Copy !req
250. I love when you see cops
and DEA agents when they bust...Copy !req
251. You know, they bust
a whole bunch of cocaine.Copy !req
252. - Oh, yeah.
- And I lo...Copy !req
253. This is my favorite thing.
It's like, "Give it here."Copy !req
254. Like, come on.Copy !req
255. "That's 100% pure."Copy !req
256. I want to become a cop
just so I can go to that class.Copy !req
257. I just want to
go to that classCopy !req
258. where the cop's
just supposed to go...Copy !req
259. - "Get in there..."
- Yeah.Copy !req
260. "I don't know if it's pure.
Hold on."Copy !req
261. "Let me just
crack that up in there.Copy !req
262. "Make sure that...Copy !req
263. "I'm not sure yet if it's pure.
Hold on a second.Copy !req
264. 'This could be only 80% pure.
Aah..."Copy !req
265. Eight kilos.
100%.Copy !req
266. Pure grade Afghani heroin.Copy !req
267. $100,000 U.S. dollars.Copy !req
268. Hold up.Copy !req
269. We should count it first.Copy !req
270. Mm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
271. Be my guest.Copy !req
272. You know, we gonna do
a straight count on this right now.Copy !req
273. - Count it... count it?
- Yeah. Just...Copy !req
274. - Good idea.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
275. Should probably do it fastCopy !req
276. so we don't make
our friends here wait.Copy !req
277. Mm-hmm. Okay.Copy !req
278. 20, 40, 60, 80,Copy !req
279. 100, 20, 40, 60,Copy !req
280. 80, 200...Copy !req
281. Hey, you know what? I'm fast.
Let me just do it.Copy !req
282. - You want... okay.
- I'll take care of that.Copy !req
283. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...Copy !req
284. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...Copy !req
285. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9...Copy !req
286. Hey, why... why are you
doin' piles of nine?Copy !req
287. - It's faster than 10s.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
288. I do my nines 10 times, and
then I do an extra pile of 10.Copy !req
289. Fast. Okay. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
290. You know, we... we should
probably both be counting.Copy !req
291. Oh, well, let's get to it.Copy !req
292. That's dou... double trouble.
All right.Copy !req
293. - And, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
- 20, 40, 60...Copy !req
294. - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
- 80, 100, 20, 40,Copy !req
295. 1, 2, 3, 4... Wait.Copy !req
296. Okay, I'm sorry, can you...
could you ple...Copy !req
297. Could you do something
like over there?Copy !req
298. - Yup. I'm gonna take.
- Please, it's a little distracting.Copy !req
299. - Oh, you know what?
- What's that?Copy !req
300. I got it.
We could time me.Copy !req
301. Okay.Copy !req
302. Okay, we time me
counting out 1,000.Copy !req
303. We take that time,
and thenCopy !req
304. we just count money
for that time times 100.Copy !req
305. No! I g... I got it.
This is it right here.Copy !req
306. I'm gonna do a web search
for a picture of $100,000.Copy !req
307. - Okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
308. Then, you know, we'll know
what it's supposed to look likeCopy !req
309. and then we can
arrange our moneyCopy !req
310. to look exactly like it.Copy !req
311. And see... here. Hey. Here we go.
Right here, look.Copy !req
312. I mean, damn, that looks...Copy !req
313. That looks just like...
a lot like our money.Copy !req
314. I think we got
$100,000 here, folks.Copy !req
315. - I think we made it.
- No, that is our money.Copy !req
316. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, do...
Earlier...Copy !req
317. Yeah.Copy !req
318. When we were counting,
I took a picture of our moneyCopy !req
319. so I could upload it
on Yahoo! Answers.Copy !req
320. - Oh, damn.
- That's right.Copy !req
321. 'Cause I just wanted to see
if anyone could verifyCopy !req
322. - what $100,000 looked like.Copy !req
323. - Oh, you got it.
- What was I thinking?Copy !req
324. - You got it.
- I got it, man.Copy !req
325. - Go, go, go, go.
- I got it, I got it.Copy !req
326. What the hell
are you doing, man?Copy !req
327. I th... you know,
I was gonna try to Rain Man it.Copy !req
328. - Oh, that's a plan right there.
- That's right.Copy !req
329. - Okay, yeah, here we go.
- We can do that.Copy !req
330. Okay.Copy !req
331. Yup, yup. I got that.
I got that.Copy !req
332. 20, 40, 60...Copy !req
333. 99,980.Copy !req
334. You guys ever hear...
You guys know the old standard,Copy !req
335. Uh, "It's Co..." is it called,
"It's Cold Outside?"Copy !req
336. - "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
- "Baby, It's Cold Outside."Copy !req
337. You know this old standard?
Right, yeah.Copy !req
338. '30s and '40s.Copy !req
339. And so many people
have covered it.Copy !req
340. It was written in like 1939
or something like that.Copy !req
341. It's funny, when you listen
to the lyrics of the song, uh...Copy !req
342. It's kinda rapey.Copy !req
343. - It's a little rapey.
- It's a little rapey.Copy !req
344. It's like...Copy !req
345. It's true.Copy !req
346. She said
she wanted to leave...Copy !req
347. You told her
it was cold outside.Copy !req
348. It's winter. She's very aware of
the fact that it's cold outside.Copy !req
349. She's not stup...
you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
350. - Yeah.
- "No" means no. Right?Copy !req
351. - Oh, yeah.
- You know?Copy !req
352. And this was... I got...
I got creeped out...Copy !req
353. 'cause I dr... I... In this scene
you're about to watch,Copy !req
354. I dressed up like a woman.Copy !req
355. Lot of brothers like, "Man,
he dress up like a woman a lot."Copy !req
356. I'm just...Copy !req
357. just in touch
with my feminine side.Copy !req
358. - Whoo! Thank you, girls.
- Yes.Copy !req
359. But no, this one was confusing
for me because I was...Copy !req
360. I... fir... I'm hot.
I'm hot.Copy !req
361. And so it's creepy.Copy !req
362. You don't want
to look in the mirrorCopy !req
363. and be attracted to yourself.
Be like the...Copy !req
364. dude from Silence of the Lambs.
"I'd me."Copy !req
365. You don't want that.Copy !req
366. Ah!Copy !req
367. - Good night!
- Good night!Copy !req
368. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
369. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
370. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
371. All these ladies in the front rowCopy !req
372. with you short skirts talking 'bout.Copy !req
373. Here's this guy right hereCopy !req
374. he's having a great time
he's just like.Copy !req
375. Like the best beer-pong player ever.Copy !req