1. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
2. I'd just to thank you
for your continued faithCopy !req
3. in my ability—Copy !req
4. We won!Copy !req
5. That's my anger translator,
Luther.Copy !req
6. Whoo!Copy !req
7. Yeah! What's up?Copy !req
8. But I want to wish
my opponent, Mitt Romney, well.Copy !req
9. He ran a good campaign.Copy !req
10. Take that
back to the lab, Mitt,Copy !req
11. 'cause you lost!Copy !req
12. And now we move forward
with pressing issues.Copy !req
13. We gonna pass Healthcare
again.Copy !req
14. Now what, bitches?Copy !req
15. While we had huge turnout
from our faithful supporters...Copy !req
16. Thank you, black folks!Copy !req
17. We made it to two elections
in a row, man!Copy !req
18. Now how hard was that?Copy !req
19. All your votes were crucial
in this victory.Copy !req
20. White people
who voted for me,Copy !req
21. y'all are all now
honorary black people.Copy !req
22. So thank you
for your support.Copy !req
23. And you
if you tried to me!Copy !req
24. I mean, you know how much money
they tried to spendCopy !req
25. to get rid of this?Copy !req
26. Millions, son!
I said millions!Copy !req
27. But you couldn't get rid
of a.Copy !req
28. Aw, naw.Copy !req
29. Yeah, can't touch this.Copy !req
30. Luther.Copy !req
31. N... Luther,
what'd I tell you?Copy !req
32. No Hammer dancing.Copy !req
33. Come on, "B"!Copy !req
34. We won!
Let's do it, dog!Copy !req
35. No, I'm, uh,
I-I-I told you,Copy !req
36. I don't want you
doing it wrong.Copy !req
37. - Ohh.
- You gotta get it right.Copy !req
38. - Ohh!
- If you're gonna do it...Copy !req
39. God bless America.Copy !req
40. Oh, that's right,
that's right.Copy !req
41. Say it, though.
Say it!Copy !req
42. Now, I-I-I told you, homeboy,
U can't touch this.Copy !req
43. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
44. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
45. - Hey! Whoa!
- Hey!Copy !req
46. Hey!Copy !req
47. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
48. All right,
all right, all right!Copy !req
49. - All right.
- All right.Copy !req
50. Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
51. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And this is Key and Peele.Copy !req
52. - Thank you...
- Welcome to the show.Copy !req
53. - ... for coming out tonight.
- Yes, welcome to the show.Copy !req
54. Um, are you guys
sick of politics?Copy !req
55. Yeah!Copy !req
56. Okay.Copy !req
57. Okay.Copy !req
58. We're done.Copy !req
59. Well, thank God.Copy !req
60. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- We are finished for a while.Copy !req
61. Anyway...Copy !req
62. We have this theory
that these pop starsCopy !req
63. that claim that
they party all the time,Copy !req
64. - There's no way...
- It's impossible.Copy !req
65. That they actually party
that much.Copy !req
66. - Can't party full time.
- You can't do that.Copy !req
67. But no-one ever writes
a pop song about resting.Copy !req
68. - I mean, it's like...
- Yeah, you don't get that.Copy !req
69. Where's that song?Copy !req
70. Party, party, party.
You can't party that much.Copy !req
71. Nobody can party that much.
You're partying too much,Copy !req
72. And it's gotta take a toll
eventually, I'm sick of it!Copy !req
73. It will!Copy !req
74. - Now go... Look at that.
- What?Copy !req
75. - That's amazing.
- He's so good at this.Copy !req
76. - Amazing.
- I know, look at your points.Copy !req
77. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
78. Oh!
Nice! Nice!Copy !req
79. Yes. Dude.Copy !req
80. You have absolutely
mastered this game.Copy !req
81. Yeah, well, since,
um, Sheila left,Copy !req
82. I've been spending
a lot of time playing the game.Copy !req
83. - You're doing really good.
- Thank you.Copy !req
84. That's why
we're here, man.Copy !req
85. Help you get over Sh... her.Copy !req
86. And check out this
awesome new game you have!Copy !req
87. Yay.Copy !req
88. You know, I left something
in another room.Copy !req
89. Um, excuse me, everyone.Copy !req
90. Oh, he still
has the sensors on.Copy !req
91. - Oh, look.
- Is that him in his room?Copy !req
92. Yeah. You can see him.
That's funny. What is he doing?Copy !req
93. Is he... is he on his knees?Copy !req
94. - Did he drop to his knees?
- Oh, n...Copy !req
95. - Oh...
- That... that...Copy !req
96. He's probably looking for...Copy !req
97. No, look.
He's... he's crying.Copy !req
98. - He's crying. Oh, no.
- He's just...Copy !req
99. - No, no, he's shuddering.
- That's just shaking.Copy !req
100. He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?Copy !req
101. Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that. He's fetal.Copy !req
102. Hey, Craig, buddy.
You all right up there?Copy !req
103. Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm coming right out.Copy !req
104. Oh, he... um...Copy !req
105. Hey, man, you all right?Copy !req
106. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
107. It's just, uh, my sinuses...
are acting up. Yeah.Copy !req
108. Yeah, I, um...Copy !req
109. I was just... you know, I was
just thinking about Sheila,Copy !req
110. and you know what?Copy !req
111. I'm... I am totally over her.Copy !req
112. - Awesome.
- Awesome.Copy !req
113. Let's... hey,
let's get this party started.Copy !req
114. Sure.
Oh.Copy !req
115. Uh...Copy !req
116. I forgot to get rid of this
picture of Sheila. Excuse me.Copy !req
117. Hey, maybe leave the sensors
so one of us can play.Copy !req
118. Oh, he's dancing.Copy !req
119. He's dancing with the photo.
Is he ki...Copy !req
120. He's doing...
he's doing this a bunch.Copy !req
121. - All right.
- Is he kissing it?Copy !req
122. I think he's kissing it.Copy !req
123. Know what?
I'm gonna turn this off.Copy !req
124. - 'Cause we don't need to...
- You change it and you die.Copy !req
125. He's undoing his buckle.Copy !req
126. Look at this.
His pants are coming off.Copy !req
127. His pants are coming off.Copy !req
128. - Oh, God.
- Yeah.Copy !req
129. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
130. - Okay, that's happening.
- Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
131. - My God.
- Is he... He's...Copy !req
132. He is totally on the bed.
- Yeah.Copy !req
133. He's totally flat
on the bed.Copy !req
134. Oh, maybe he's shaking a can...
of hairspray...Copy !req
135. - Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, gross.Copy !req
136. We sh... we shouldn't be...
Okay, you know...Copy !req
137. Is he reaching down
for his foot?Copy !req
138. - I don't...
- That's his foot, isn't it?Copy !req
139. - Is that his foot?
- I don't know.Copy !req
140. And coming back.Copy !req
141. Whew.Copy !req
142. I am sorry, everybody.Copy !req
143. Would you like me
to make some snacks?Copy !req
144. Wash your hands first?Copy !req
145. You know, we both spend
a good deal of time in Chicago,Copy !req
146. and, uh, when you go to Chicago,
to Wrigleyville,Copy !req
147. The bars around that ar...
Whoo!Copy !req
148. - Mm. It's just...
- They're drunk.Copy !req
149. - They get up.Copy !req
150. We saw one time
a string of five women,Copy !req
151. And there was a woman,
like, hanging on...Copy !req
152. It was like woman, woman,
woman, woman, Raggedy Ann doll.Copy !req
153. It was just...Copy !req
154. She was just,
like, doing this, like...Copy !req
155. Anyway, Sophia's never gonna
get back to the car, seriously.Copy !req
156. What the
am I supposed to...Copy !req
157. - She was supposed to be driving!
- Get off me!Copy !req
158. I've
never driven an Audi.Copy !req
159. How do you drive an Audi,
Sophia?Copy !req
160. Get the off of me.Copy !req
161. You can't even ...
fine.Copy !req
162. And she... boom.
She drops.Copy !req
163. Pretty much.Copy !req
164. So this scene
is about that girl.Copy !req
165. - Are you kidding me?
- No!Copy !req
166. Seriously, you've gotta
come back in the bar right now.Copy !req
167. You come back in the bar!Copy !req
168. Megan, I don't even
know Claire!Copy !req
169. Yeah, right!Copy !req
170. I'm sorry!
You left your jacket!Copy !req
171. Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new, fat, ugly girlfriend?Copy !req
172. - I haven't even met her yet!
- Whatever!Copy !req
173. You left your jacket,
Megan!Copy !req
174. - Oh, throw it in a river!
- Why would I do that?Copy !req
175. - I don't care, I'm over it!
- Fine!Copy !req
176. God.Copy !req
177. - Megan!
- Leave me alone!Copy !req
178. Your jacket, though!Copy !req
179. - No!
- Seriously, Megan!Copy !req
180. You start buying drinks
for everybodyCopy !req
181. as soon as she comes over.
I mean, who does that?Copy !req
182. Megan,
come back to the bar!Copy !req
183. - You're literally an asshole!
- How is that possible?Copy !req
184. I can't be an asshole.
I got arms and legs and a head!Copy !req
185. - Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket!Copy !req
186. - Fine.
- Do you want it?Copy !req
187. No!Copy !req
188. - You know wha...
- Eat it!Copy !req
189. Why would I do that?Copy !req
190. You know what?
I'm not following you anymore!Copy !req
191. - I'm done!
- Fine! I'm over it!Copy !req
192. Fine!Copy !req
193. - Megan, come back to the bar.
- No!Copy !req
194. - Megan! Megan! Megan!
- Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!Copy !req
195. Megan, do you want
your jacket?Copy !req
196. No!Copy !req
197. Seriously,
come back to the bar.Copy !req
198. You go back to the bar.Copy !req
199. I'm gonna throw
this jacket in the water.Copy !req
200. Oh, nice.
That's really nice.Copy !req
201. What do you want me to do,
Megan? Damn!Copy !req
202. Kiss my butthole, okay?Copy !req
203. Good! Fine! Fine! Then I'm going!
I'm leaving right now!Copy !req
204. God damn it!Copy !req
205. - Megan!
- No!Copy !req
206. - Like, seriously, your jacket!
- No!Copy !req
207. - But it's your jacket, though!
- Whatever!Copy !req
208. - Megan!
- No!Copy !req
209. I have your j...
I have your jacket.Copy !req
210. I'm over it!Copy !req
211. Seriously, Meg...Copy !req
212. You know what I mean?Copy !req
213. Why you readin', bitch?Copy !req
214. Because I like to read,
and this is a really good book.Copy !req
215. You're a really good bitch,
bitch.Copy !req
216. Why you gotta
bother me, man?Copy !req
217. Because.Copy !req
218. I'm not doing
very well in school.Copy !req
219. I'm reading
at a third-grade level.Copy !req
220. I really don't want
to get left back,Copy !req
221. so when I see somebody
reading for fun,Copy !req
222. it makes me feel
that much more stupid!Copy !req
223. And then I get mad!Copy !req
224. Um, I didn't
know that. I...Copy !req
225. Thanks so much
for opening up to me...Copy !req
226. - Shut up, queer!
- I don't understand.Copy !req
227. Why... I mean,
why you gotta go there?Copy !req
228. I've been having
sexual fantasiesCopy !req
229. about some of
the other guys at school.Copy !req
230. - What?
- Gimme that!Copy !req
231. I'm afraid of these feelings
and what they might mean.Copy !req
232. It's like, because
I hate myself so much,Copy !req
233. I gotta point that hate outward
towards you!Copy !req
234. You understand this
on such a deep level that...Copy !req
235. - I don't understand!
- Whoa!Copy !req
236. Now I'm gonna
punish you physicallyCopy !req
237. for acknowledging
my emotional problems!Copy !req
238. Wait, wait, wait,Copy !req
239. I was gonna say if you
understand yourself so well,Copy !req
240. then maybe you should
try working on changing it.Copy !req
241. Of course
I want to change it!Copy !req
242. But it's the only
defense mechanism I haveCopy !req
243. against deeper, more terrifying
problems buried inside of me!Copy !req
244. You're lucky my Dad's here.Copy !req
245. Get in the damn truck, son.Copy !req
246. I need to take you home and beat
on you 'cause I hate myself.Copy !req
247. And you look like
your mother who left me.Copy !req
248. Then I'm gonna block out
the guilt I feel over mistreating youCopy !req
249. with a river of vodka.Copy !req
250. I'm gonna internalize thatCopy !req
251. and unknowingly transfer it
onto you tomorrow.Copy !req
252. Coming reluctantly.Copy !req
253. So Jordan and I...
we, um...Copy !req
254. We like global affairs.Copy !req
255. I like playing Risk.Copy !req
256. Yeah, Risk is a gr...
yeah, mm-hmm, example.Copy !req
257. Africa's
very interesting to us.Copy !req
258. - Yes, yes.
- We find Africa interesting.Copy !req
259. That's... Africa
is perplexing to meCopy !req
260. because that is...
that's a placeCopy !req
261. where you will have the evilest
motherwalking around,Copy !req
262. and they're wearing
a Ducktales shirt.Copy !req
263. You're like, wha...
How did he?Copy !req
264. Why does he have...Copy !req
265. What is going on?
You know, it's just...Copy !req
266. It's kind of like America,
if you think about it,Copy !req
267. 'cause especially
in the '90s,Copy !req
268. you walk down the worst
neighborhood in Amer...Copy !req
269. You know you are in troubleCopy !req
270. if a mother
got a Tweety shirt on.Copy !req
271. Twee... yeah.Copy !req
272. "You come down the wrong
neighborhood, Puddy T."Copy !req
273. Commander Bujune!Copy !req
274. Our forces
have been devastated.Copy !req
275. The enemy is at the edge
of the village.Copy !req
276. There are not
many of us left.Copy !req
277. Should we surrender?Copy !req
278. You may surrender, Jengo.Copy !req
279. But I am afraid that is
a luxury I cannot afford.Copy !req
280. You have no idea
what they do to warlords.Copy !req
281. If they capture me,
they will torture me for weeks.Copy !req
282. That is no way to go.Copy !req
283. I want you, my most trusted
soldier over the age of eight,Copy !req
284. to take my life.Copy !req
285. That is my final order.Copy !req
286. Aah!Copy !req
287. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow!Copy !req
288. Ow! No, do... no!
Aah, stop, stop!Copy !req
289. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
290. Haa!Copy !req
291. I was trying
to kill you, sir.Copy !req
292. Not with this!
There's a gun in the drawer!Copy !req
293. Aah!Copy !req
294. Oh.Copy !req
295. So sorry. Okay.Copy !req
296. Amazing.Copy !req
297. You missed every
vital organ, Jengo.Copy !req
298. - Oh...
- Found it.Copy !req
299. All right, now kill me, Jengo.
Hurry, please!Copy !req
300. Not in the knee!Copy !req
301. I thought you might
want an open casket.Copy !req
302. You are an idiot!Copy !req
303. Don't say that.
I did try my best.Copy !req
304. Shoot me in the head,
you imbecile!Copy !req
305. God.Copy !req
306. Good-bye, commander.Copy !req
307. You sorry-ass piece of sh...Copy !req
308. Did you just insult me
as you were about to fire?Copy !req
309. Oh, well,
you had insulted me earlier.Copy !req
310. I th... I thought
you would be dead.Copy !req
311. Ah, ooh. So sorry.Copy !req
312. Ow!Copy !req
313. Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
314. Stop... stop it!
What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
315. The gun is empty.
Would you like I stab you again?Copy !req
316. No, no, no! Please!Copy !req
317. Jengo, there are bullets!
They are over there!Copy !req
318. Okay.Copy !req
319. Jengo, please hurry!
I am in agony!Copy !req
320. Ow!Copy !req
321. What the blazes, man?Copy !req
322. I thought
I could kill you very quick.Copy !req
323. By hitting you
with that big cooking pot.Copy !req
324. Oh, my God, would you please,
I mean, please get it over with?Copy !req
325. I did not
find the bullets.Copy !req
326. - What?
- But better.Copy !req
327. Boiling hot water.Copy !req
328. What are you
going to do with...Copy !req
329. I surrender!Copy !req
330. I am the general
Dominique Bujune!Copy !req
331. Commander! Don't go!
They'll torture you!Copy !req
332. Well, you guys like, uh...
You guys like Ryan Gosling?Copy !req
333. Yeah.Copy !req
334. - But dude does not act, though.
- No, that's the thing.Copy !req
335. He does not act.
He's not doing anything.Copy !req
336. That's his secret
is he's got...Copy !req
337. He uses the Kuleshov Effect.
That's the thing.Copy !req
338. - Coolest... what?
- The Kuleshov Effect.Copy !req
339. It's... it just means
that he doesn't have...Copy !req
340. Like, all you have to know
is what the movie's about,Copy !req
341. and then he just
has to look like this,Copy !req
342. and then you think
he's thinking that.Copy !req
343. That's his gift.Copy !req
344. You know, it's like... you know...Copy !req
345. "In a world where a man
loses his father..."Copy !req
346. And then it's
just his face going...Copy !req
347. And then you go,
"Oh, man, Ryan Gosling is sad."Copy !req
348. Mm, hot.
I don't care how he acts.Copy !req
349. He can make
all the non-faces he wants.Copy !req
350. Okay, man, you know what?
It wasn't my fault, all right?Copy !req
351. I-I-I-I had the money
like you saidCopy !req
352. in a trash bag
in the back of my car,Copy !req
353. and I was gonna go
straight to the drop spot.Copy !req
354. All right?Copy !req
355. No, no... Hol... Okay.
Okay, okay.Copy !req
356. Okay, no... no, hey,
hey, hey, hey, man.Copy !req
357. There ain't no need for you
to get comfortable.Copy !req
358. Okay? Because... because
I'm telling you, man.Copy !req
359. What happened
wasn't my fault, all right?Copy !req
360. I-I-I-I-I-I drove to
the agreed upon location, man.Copy !req
361. Oh... oh, man.Copy !req
362. What?
Okay... okay, okay!Copy !req
363. Okay, bec... bec... okay.Copy !req
364. Because there's no need to have
anything crazy in a paper bag.Copy !req
365. I'm telling you.Copy !req
366. There's an explanation
for what went down!Copy !req
367. Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!Copy !req
368. Let's calm down now.
Let's calm down, man.Copy !req
369. There ain't no need.Copy !req
370. Oh, not a juice box?Copy !req
371. There ain't no need
to eat a mealCopy !req
372. and then do
some crazyCopy !req
373. With the sandwich container
and the juice box!Copy !req
374. Oh, man, come on.Copy !req
375. Come on, man.
Just chill out a little bit.Copy !req
376. Just... you need
to relax, man.Copy !req
377. You need to
take it easy and rela...Copy !req
378. Oh,
Oh, goddamn!Copy !req
379. Now, come on, man!
Don't do it, don't do it!Copy !req
380. Don't do it, man! You sh...
come on, man.Copy !req
381. Oh, you're eating the sandwich!
You're eating the sandwich.Copy !req
382. Oh, man, how you gonna
sandwich me, dog?Copy !req
383. How you gonna sandwich me?
Oh,Copy !req
384. Okay, look,
it's gettin' crazy now!Copy !req
385. It's gotta stop!
It's gotta stop right now, okay?Copy !req
386. You cleanin' yourself up before
you do some ill?Copy !req
387. Come on, man!Copy !req
388. What you doin'?
What you wanna know?Copy !req
389. What... I'll tell you
whatever you wanna know, man!Copy !req
390. Just please stop
this cold-ass, man!Copy !req
391. I'm beggin' you, dog, please.
Oh, No! No, okay!Copy !req
392. Look, okay, may... maybe it was
my fault a little bit.Copy !req
393. Maybe it was my fault
a little bit, but don't just...Copy !req
394. What you gonna do
with that juice box, man?Copy !req
395. What're you gonna
do with that j...Copy !req
396. What're you gonna
do with the straw?Copy !req
397. What're you gonna
do with the straw?Copy !req
398. Come on, man, do...
listen, listen.Copy !req
399. No, no. No, I did it! I did it!
I did it, okay? I did it!Copy !req
400. I did it, I left the car!
I left for three minutes!Copy !req
401. So please don't do anything
with the straw!Copy !req
402. Why aren't you stopping?
Fine! Fine!Copy !req
403. Aah!
Aah! Man!Copy !req
404. Okay, man!
Ha, ha! I beat you to it!Copy !req
405. Okay? I got your point,
all right, man?Copy !req
406. Ha!Copy !req
407. Oh, man, that's a bitch!Copy !req
408. Will we be having any more
problems out of him, sir?Copy !req
409. No.Copy !req
410. Yeah. That's what
I'm talkin' about.Copy !req
411. Seriously, we're done.Copy !req
412. So just say good-bye,
Megan.Copy !req
413. - No!
- Say it!Copy !req
414. Uh-uh!Copy !req
415. - Say good-bye!
- No!Copy !req
416. Would you
say good-bye?Copy !req
417. - Get away from me!
- Just say it!Copy !req
418. You are literally
an asshole!Copy !req
419. Bye, man! Say good-bye!Copy !req
420. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
421. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
422. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
423. Megan, what do you want me to do
with this *** jacket?Copy !req
424. Jaws!Copy !req
425. Well that'll show you Megan!Copy !req
426. I'm *** going into jaws' mouth.Copy !req
427. No you're not!Copy !req