1. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
2. I'd just to thank you
for your continued faithCopy !req
3. in my ability—Copy !req
4. (screaming)
We won!Copy !req
5. That's my anger translator,
Luther.Copy !req
6. Whoo!Copy !req
7. Yeah! What's up?Copy !req
8. But I want to wish
my opponent, Mitt Romney, well.Copy !req
9. He ran a good campaign.Copy !req
10. Take that
back to the lab, Mitt,Copy !req
11. 'cause you lost!Copy !req
12. And now we move forward
with pressing issues.Copy !req
13. We gonna pass Healthcare
again.Copy !req
14. Now what, bitches?Copy !req
15. While we had huge turnout
from our faithful supporters...Copy !req
16. Thank you, black folks!Copy !req
17. We made it to two elections
in a row, man!Copy !req
18. Now how hard was that?Copy !req
19. All your votes were crucial
in this victory.Copy !req
20. White people
who voted for me,Copy !req
21. y'all are all now
honorary black people.Copy !req
22. So thank you
for your support.Copy !req
23. And you
if you tried to me!Copy !req
24. I mean, you know how much money
they tried to spendCopy !req
25. to get rid of this?Copy !req
26. Millions, son!
I said millions!Copy !req
27. But you couldn't get rid
of a.Copy !req
28. Aw, naw.Copy !req
29. Yeah, can't touch this.Copy !req
30. Luther.Copy !req
31. N... Luther,
what'd I tell you?Copy !req
32. No Hammer dancing.Copy !req
33. Come on, "B"!Copy !req
34. We won!
Let's do it, dog!Copy !req
35. No, I'm, uh,
I-I-I told you,Copy !req
36. I don't want you
doing it wrong.Copy !req
37. - Ohh.
- You gotta get it right.Copy !req
38. - Ohh!
- If you're gonna do it...Copy !req
39. God bless America.Copy !req
40. Oh, that's right,
that's right.Copy !req
41. Say it, though.
Say it!Copy !req
42. Now, I-I-I told you, homeboy,
U can't touch this.Copy !req
43. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
44. - Hey! Whoa!
- Hey!Copy !req
45. Hey!Copy !req
46. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
47. All right,
all right, all right!Copy !req
48. - All right.
- All right.Copy !req
49. Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
50. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- And this is Key and Peele.Copy !req
51. - Thank you...
- Welcome to the show.Copy !req
52. - ... for coming out tonight.
- Yes, welcome to the show.Copy !req
53. Um, are you guys
sick of politics?Copy !req
54. Yeah!Copy !req
55. Okay.Copy !req
56. Okay.Copy !req
57. We're done.Copy !req
58. Well, thank God.Copy !req
59. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- We are finished for a while.Copy !req
60. Anyway...Copy !req
61. We have this theory
that these pop starsCopy !req
62. that claim that
they party all the time,Copy !req
63. - There's no way...
- It's impossible.Copy !req
64. That they actually party
that much.Copy !req
65. - Can't party full time.
- You can't do that.Copy !req
66. But no-one ever writes
a pop song about resting.Copy !req
67. - I mean, it's like...
- Yeah, you don't get that.Copy !req
68. Where's that song?Copy !req
69. Party, party, party.
You can't party that much.Copy !req
70. Nobody can party that much.
You're partying too much,Copy !req
71. And it's gotta take a toll
eventually, I'm sick of it!Copy !req
72. It will!
(laughter)Copy !req
73. - Now go... Look at that.
- What?Copy !req
74. - That's amazing.
- He's so good at this.Copy !req
75. - Amazing.
- I know, look at your points.Copy !req
76. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
77. Oh!
Nice! Nice!Copy !req
78. Yes. Dude.Copy !req
79. You have absolutely
mastered this game.Copy !req
80. Yeah, well, since,
um, Sheila left,Copy !req
81. I've been spending
a lot of time playing the game.Copy !req
82. - You're doing really good.
- Thank you.Copy !req
83. That's why
we're here, man.Copy !req
84. Help you get over Sh... her.Copy !req
85. And check out this
awesome new game you have!Copy !req
86. Yay.Copy !req
87. You know, I left something
in another room.Copy !req
88. Um, excuse me, everyone.Copy !req
89. Oh, he still
has the sensors on.Copy !req
90. - Oh, look.
- Is that him in his room?Copy !req
91. Yeah. You can see him.
That's funny. What is he doing?Copy !req
92. Is he... is he on his knees?Copy !req
93. - Did he drop to his knees?
- Oh, n...Copy !req
94. - Oh...
- That... that...Copy !req
95. He's probably looking for...Copy !req
96. No, look.
He's... he's crying.Copy !req
97. - He's crying. Oh, no.
- He's just...Copy !req
98. - No, no, he's shuddering.
- That's just shaking.Copy !req
99. He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?Copy !req
100. Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that. He's fetal.Copy !req
101. Hey, Craig, buddy.
You all right up there?Copy !req
102. Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm coming right out.Copy !req
103. Oh, he... um...Copy !req
104. Hey, man, you all right?Copy !req
105. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
106. It's just, uh, my sinuses...
(sniffs) are acting up. Yeah.Copy !req
107. Yeah, I, um...Copy !req
108. I was just... you know, I was
just thinking about Sheila,Copy !req
109. and you know what?Copy !req
110. I'm... I am totally over her.Copy !req
111. - Awesome.
- Awesome.Copy !req
112. Let's... hey,
let's get this party started.Copy !req
113. Sure.
Oh.Copy !req
114. Uh...Copy !req
115. I forgot to get rid of this
picture of Sheila. Excuse me.Copy !req
116. Hey, maybe leave the sensors
so one of us can play.Copy !req
117. Oh, he's dancing.Copy !req
118. He's dancing with the photo.
Is he ki...Copy !req
119. He's doing...
he's doing this a bunch.Copy !req
120. - All right.
- Is he kissing it?Copy !req
121. I think he's kissing it.Copy !req
122. Know what?
I'm gonna turn this off.Copy !req
123. - 'Cause we don't need to...
- You change it and you die.Copy !req
124. He's undoing his buckle.Copy !req
125. Look at this.
His pants are coming off.Copy !req
126. His pants are coming off.Copy !req
127. - Oh, God.
- Yeah.Copy !req
128. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
129. - Okay, that's happening.
- Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
130. - My God.
- Is he... He's...Copy !req
131. He is totally on the bed.
- Yeah.Copy !req
132. He's totally flat
on the bed.Copy !req
133. Oh, maybe he's shaking a can...
of hairspray...Copy !req
134. - Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, gross.Copy !req
135. We sh... we shouldn't be...
Okay, you know...Copy !req
136. Is he reaching down
for his foot?Copy !req
137. - I don't...
- That's his foot, isn't it?Copy !req
138. - Is that his foot?
- I don't know.Copy !req
139. And coming back.Copy !req
140. Whew.Copy !req
141. I am sorry, everybody.Copy !req
142. Would you like me
to make some snacks?Copy !req
143. Wash your hands first?Copy !req
144. You know, we both spend
a good deal of time in Chicago,Copy !req
145. and, uh, when you go to Chicago,
to Wrigleyville,Copy !req
146. The bars around that ar...
Whoo!Copy !req
147. - Mm. It's just...
- They're drunk.Copy !req
148. - They get up.Copy !req
149. We saw one time
a string of five women,Copy !req
150. And there was a woman,
like, hanging on...Copy !req
151. It was like woman, woman,
woman, woman, Raggedy Ann doll.Copy !req
152. It was just...Copy !req
153. She was just,
like, doing this, like...Copy !req
154. Anyway, Sophia's never gonna
get back to the car, seriously.Copy !req
155. What the
am I supposed to...Copy !req
156. - She was supposed to be driving!
- Get off me!Copy !req
157. I've
never driven an Audi.Copy !req
158. How do you drive an Audi,
Sophia?Copy !req
159. Get the off of me.Copy !req
160. You can't even ...
fine.Copy !req
161. And she... boom.
She drops.Copy !req
162. Pretty much.Copy !req
163. So this scene
is about that girl.Copy !req
164. - Are you kidding me?
- No!Copy !req
165. Seriously, you've gotta
come back in the bar right now.Copy !req
166. You come back in the bar!Copy !req
167. Megan, I don't even
know Claire!Copy !req
168. Yeah, right!Copy !req
169. I'm sorry!
You left your jacket!Copy !req
170. Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new, fat, ugly girlfriend?Copy !req
171. - I haven't even met her yet!
- Whatever!Copy !req
172. You left your jacket,
Megan!Copy !req
173. - Oh, throw it in a river!
- Why would I do that?Copy !req
174. - I don't care, I'm over it!
- Fine!Copy !req
175. God.Copy !req
176. - Megan!
- Leave me alone!Copy !req
177. Your jacket, though!Copy !req
178. - No!
- Seriously, Megan!Copy !req
179. You start buying drinks
for everybodyCopy !req
180. as soon as she comes over.
I mean, who does that?Copy !req
181. Megan,
come back to the bar!Copy !req
182. - You're literally an asshole!
- How is that possible?Copy !req
183. I can't be an asshole.
I got arms and legs and a head!Copy !req
184. - Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket!Copy !req
185. - Fine.
- Do you want it?Copy !req
186. No!Copy !req
187. - You know wha...
- Eat it!Copy !req
188. Why would I do that?Copy !req
189. You know what?
I'm not following you anymore!Copy !req
190. - I'm done!
- Fine! I'm over it!Copy !req
191. Fine!Copy !req
192. - Megan, come back to the bar.
- No!Copy !req
193. - Megan! Megan! Megan!
- Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!Copy !req
194. Megan, do you want
your jacket?Copy !req
195. No!Copy !req
196. Seriously,
come back to the bar.Copy !req
197. You go back to the bar.Copy !req
198. I'm gonna throw
this jacket in the water.Copy !req
199. Oh, nice.
That's really nice.Copy !req
200. What do you want me to do,
Megan? Damn!Copy !req
201. Kiss my butthole, okay?Copy !req
202. Good! Fine! Fine! Then I'm going!
I'm leaving right now!Copy !req
203. God damn it!Copy !req
204. - Megan!
- No!Copy !req
205. - Like, seriously, your jacket!
- No!Copy !req
206. - But it's your jacket, though!
- Whatever!Copy !req
207. - Megan!
- No!Copy !req
208. I have your j...
I have your jacket.Copy !req
209. I'm over it!Copy !req
210. Seriously, Meg...Copy !req
211. You know what I mean?Copy !req
212. Why you readin', bitch?Copy !req
213. Because I like to read,
and this is a really good book.Copy !req
214. You're a really good bitch,
bitch.Copy !req
215. Why you gotta
bother me, man?Copy !req
216. Because.Copy !req
217. I'm not doing
very well in school.Copy !req
218. I'm reading
at a third-grade level.Copy !req
219. I really don't want
to get left back,Copy !req
220. so when I see somebody
reading for fun,Copy !req
221. it makes me feel
that much more stupid!Copy !req
222. And then I get mad!Copy !req
223. Um, I didn't
know that. I...Copy !req
224. Thanks so much
for opening up to me...Copy !req
225. - Shut up, queer!
- I don't understand.Copy !req
226. Why... I mean,
why you gotta go there?Copy !req
227. I've been having
sexual fantasiesCopy !req
228. about some of
the other guys at school.Copy !req
229. - What?
- Gimme that!Copy !req
230. I'm afraid of these feelings
and what they might mean.Copy !req
231. It's like, because
I hate myself so much,Copy !req
232. I gotta point that hate outward
towards you!Copy !req
233. You understand this
on such a deep level that...Copy !req
234. - I don't understand!
- Whoa!Copy !req
235. Now I'm gonna
punish you physicallyCopy !req
236. for acknowledging
my emotional problems!Copy !req
237. Wait, wait, wait,Copy !req
238. I was gonna say if you
understand yourself so well,Copy !req
239. then maybe you should
try working on changing it.Copy !req
240. Of course
I want to change it!Copy !req
241. But it's the only
defense mechanism I haveCopy !req
242. against deeper, more terrifying
problems buried inside of me!Copy !req
243. You're lucky my Dad's here.
(piano music)Copy !req
244. Get in the damn truck, son.Copy !req
245. I need to take you home and beat
on you 'cause I hate myself.Copy !req
246. And you look like
your mother who left me.Copy !req
247. Then I'm gonna block out
the guilt I feel over mistreating youCopy !req
248. with a river of vodka.Copy !req
249. I'm gonna internalize thatCopy !req
250. and unknowingly transfer it
onto you tomorrow.Copy !req
251. Coming reluctantly.Copy !req
252. So Jordan and I...
we, um...Copy !req
253. We like global affairs.Copy !req
254. I like playing Risk.Copy !req
255. Yeah, Risk is a gr...
yeah, mm-hmm, example.Copy !req
256. Africa's
very interesting to us.Copy !req
257. - Yes, yes.
- We find Africa interesting.Copy !req
258. That's... Africa
is perplexing to meCopy !req
259. because that is...
that's a placeCopy !req
260. where you will have the evilest
motherwalking around,Copy !req
261. and they're wearing
a Ducktales shirt.Copy !req
262. You're like, wha...
How did he?Copy !req
263. Why does he have...Copy !req
264. What is going on?
You know, it's just...Copy !req
265. It's kind of like America,
if you think about it,Copy !req
266. 'cause especially
in the '90s,Copy !req
267. you walk down the worst
neighborhood in Amer...Copy !req
268. You know you are in troubleCopy !req
269. if a mother
got a Tweety shirt on.Copy !req
270. Twee... yeah.Copy !req
271. "You come down the wrong
neighborhood, Puddy T."Copy !req
272. Commander Bujune!Copy !req
273. Our forces
have been devastated.Copy !req
274. The enemy is at the edge
of the village.Copy !req
275. There are not
many of us left.Copy !req
276. Should we surrender?Copy !req
277. You may surrender, Jengo.Copy !req
278. But I am afraid that is
a luxury I cannot afford.Copy !req
279. You have no idea
what they do to warlords.Copy !req
280. If they capture me,
they will torture me for weeks.Copy !req
281. That is no way to go.Copy !req
282. I want you, my most trusted
soldier over the age of eight,Copy !req
283. to take my life.Copy !req
284. That is my final order.Copy !req
285. Aah!Copy !req
286. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow!Copy !req
287. Ow! No, do... no!
Aah, stop, stop!Copy !req
288. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
289. Haa!Copy !req
290. I was trying
to kill you, sir.Copy !req
291. Not with this!
There's a gun in the drawer!Copy !req
292. Aah!Copy !req
293. Oh.Copy !req
294. So sorry. Okay.Copy !req
295. Amazing.Copy !req
296. You missed every
vital organ, Jengo.Copy !req
297. - Oh...
- Found it.Copy !req
298. All right, now kill me, Jengo.
Hurry, please!Copy !req
299. Not in the knee!Copy !req
300. I thought you might
want an open casket.Copy !req
301. You are an idiot!Copy !req
302. Don't say that.
I did try my best.Copy !req
303. Shoot me in the head,
you imbecile!Copy !req
304. God.Copy !req
305. Good-bye, commander.Copy !req
306. You sorry-ass piece of sh...
(gun clicks)Copy !req
307. Did you just insult me
as you were about to fire?Copy !req
308. Oh, well,
you had insulted me earlier.Copy !req
309. I th... I thought
you would be dead.Copy !req
310. Ah, ooh. So sorry.Copy !req
311. Ow!Copy !req
312. Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
313. Stop... stop it!
What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
314. The gun is empty.
Would you like I stab you again?Copy !req
315. No, no, no! Please!Copy !req
316. Jengo, there are bullets!
They are over there!Copy !req
317. Okay.Copy !req
318. Jengo, please hurry!
I am in agony!Copy !req
319. Ow!Copy !req
320. What the blazes, man?Copy !req
321. I thought
I could kill you very quick.Copy !req
322. By hitting you
with that big cooking pot.Copy !req
323. Oh, my God, would you please,
I mean, please get it over with?Copy !req
324. I did not
find the bullets.Copy !req
325. - What?
- But better.Copy !req
326. Boiling hot water.Copy !req
327. What are you
going to do with...Copy !req
328. I surrender!Copy !req
329. I am the general
Dominique Bujune!Copy !req
330. Commander! Don't go!
They'll torture you!Copy !req
331. Well, you guys like, uh...
You guys like Ryan Gosling?Copy !req
332. Yeah.Copy !req
333. - But dude does not act, though.
- No, that's the thing.Copy !req
334. He does not act.
He's not doing anything.Copy !req
335. That's his secret
is he's got...Copy !req
336. He uses the Kuleshov Effect.
That's the thing.Copy !req
337. - Coolest... what?
- The Kuleshov Effect.Copy !req
338. It's... it just means
that he doesn't have...Copy !req
339. Like, all you have to know
is what the movie's about,Copy !req
340. and then he just
has to look like this,Copy !req
341. and then you think
he's thinking that.Copy !req
342. That's his gift.Copy !req
343. You know, it's like... you know...Copy !req
344. "In a world where a man
loses his father..."Copy !req
345. And then it's
just his face going...Copy !req
346. And then you go,
"Oh, man, Ryan Gosling is sad."Copy !req
347. Mm, hot.
I don't care how he acts.Copy !req
348. He can make
all the non-faces he wants.Copy !req
349. Okay, man, you know what?
It wasn't my fault, all right?Copy !req
350. I-I-I-I had the money
like you saidCopy !req
351. in a trash bag
in the back of my car,Copy !req
352. and I was gonna go
straight to the drop spot.Copy !req
353. All right?Copy !req
354. No, no... Hol... Okay.
Okay, okay.Copy !req
355. Okay, no... no, hey,
hey, hey, hey, man.Copy !req
356. There ain't no need for you
to get comfortable.Copy !req
357. Okay? Because... because
I'm telling you, man.Copy !req
358. What happened
wasn't my fault, all right?Copy !req
359. I-I-I-I-I-I drove to
the agreed upon location, man.Copy !req
360. Oh... oh, man.Copy !req
361. What?
Okay... okay, okay!Copy !req
362. Okay, bec... bec... okay.Copy !req
363. Because there's no need to have
anything crazy in a paper bag.Copy !req
364. I'm telling you.Copy !req
365. There's an explanation
for what went down!Copy !req
366. Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!Copy !req
367. Let's calm down now.
Let's calm down, man.Copy !req
368. There ain't no need.Copy !req
369. Oh, not a juice box?Copy !req
370. There ain't no need
to eat a mealCopy !req
371. and then do
some crazyCopy !req
372. With the sandwich container
and the juice box!Copy !req
373. Oh, man, come on.Copy !req
374. Come on, man.
Just chill out a little bit.Copy !req
375. Just... you need
to relax, man.Copy !req
376. You need to
take it easy and rela...Copy !req
377. Oh,
Oh, goddamn!Copy !req
378. Now, come on, man!
Don't do it, don't do it!Copy !req
379. Don't do it, man! You sh...
come on, man.Copy !req
380. Oh, you're eating the sandwich!
You're eating the sandwich.Copy !req
381. Oh, man, how you gonna
sandwich me, dog?Copy !req
382. How you gonna sandwich me?
Oh,Copy !req
383. Okay, look,
it's gettin' crazy now!Copy !req
384. It's gotta stop!
It's gotta stop right now, okay?Copy !req
385. You cleanin' yourself up before
you do some ill?Copy !req
386. Come on, man!Copy !req
387. What you doin'?
What you wanna know?Copy !req
388. What... I'll tell you
whatever you wanna know, man!Copy !req
389. Just please stop
this cold-ass, man!Copy !req
390. I'm beggin' you, dog, please.
Oh, No! No, okay!Copy !req
391. Look, okay, may... maybe it was
my fault a little bit.Copy !req
392. Maybe it was my fault
a little bit, but don't just...Copy !req
393. What you gonna do
with that juice box, man?Copy !req
394. What're you gonna
do with that j...Copy !req
395. What're you gonna
do with the straw?Copy !req
396. What're you gonna
do with the straw?Copy !req
397. Come on, man, do...
listen, listen.Copy !req
398. No, no. No, I did it! I did it!
I did it, okay? I did it!Copy !req
399. I did it, I left the car!
I left for three minutes!Copy !req
400. So please don't do anything
with the straw!Copy !req
401. Why aren't you stopping?
Fine! Fine!Copy !req
402. Aah!
Aah! Man!Copy !req
403. Okay, man!
Ha, ha! I beat you to it!Copy !req
404. Okay? I got your point,
all right, man?Copy !req
405. Ha!Copy !req
406. Oh, man, that's a bitch!Copy !req
407. Will we be having any more
problems out of him, sir?Copy !req
408. No.Copy !req
409. Yeah. That's what
I'm talkin' about.Copy !req
410. Seriously, we're done.Copy !req
411. So just say good-bye,
Megan.Copy !req
412. - No!
- Say it!Copy !req
413. Uh-uh!Copy !req
414. - Say good-bye!
- No!Copy !req
415. Would you
say good-bye?Copy !req
416. - Get away from me!
- Just say it!Copy !req
417. You are literally
an asshole!Copy !req
418. Bye, man! Say good-bye!
(cheers and applause)Copy !req
419. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
420. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
421. Megan, what do you want me to do
with this *** jacket?Copy !req
422. Jaws!Copy !req
423. Well that'll show you Megan!Copy !req
424. I'm *** going into jaws' mouth.Copy !req
425. No you're not!Copy !req