1. The power of Christ
compels you!
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2. your mother!
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3. The power of Christ
compels you!
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4. The power of Christ compels you!
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5. Your mother's in Hell!
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6. The power of Christ
compels you!
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7. I'll suck your.
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8. Let me suck your,
mother.
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9. Could you please
clear the room?
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10. Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
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11. Yo!
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12. Thank you so much.
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13. That was scary...
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14. before it got offensive.
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15. Good evening, everybody,
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
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16. - I am Jordan Peele.
- And we're Key and Peele.
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17. Thanks for coming out.
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18. Thank you so much.
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19. Happy Halloween, everybody.
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20. - Welcome.
- Happy Halloween.
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21. - This is our...
- All Hallow's Eve, yes.
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22. - Our Halloween celebration.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
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23. Um, we are...
we're fans of horror movies.
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24. And there's
several different kinds.
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25. - There's several different kinds.
- There's... right.
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26. There's the kind where
there's little Asian children
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27. that sound like Penelope Cruz.
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28. Yup, yeah.
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29. Well, you know what?
My favorite...
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30. My favorite horror movies
are the possession ones.
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31. - Oh, yes, yes.
- And since I've been in California,
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32. I will go see a horror movie
at 12:00 at night.
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33. I went and saw
Paranormal Activity,
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34. There was a family of
75 Mexican people in front of me.
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35. And 90% of them were
under the age of four.
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36. And... and you know what the most
messed up thing about it is,
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37. like clockwork,
about halfway through the movie,
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38. - at some point...
- Yeah, yeah.
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39. Somebody goes, "Oh, no,
it's not a ghost, it's a demon."
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40. The entire mexican family,
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41. "Oh, no, this.
We don't with that."
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42. - Right in front of my action.
- Everybody, there's the kid...
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43. Oh, come on, this is...
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44. This is ridiculous.
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45. They're all leaving,
the whole family.
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46. - This is a... you know...
- En masse, out the door.
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47. It's a horror movie,
it's always Diablo!
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48. Yeah, what did you think
was gonna happen?
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49. Oh, here we go, we got more.
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50. Hey!
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51. What's up, Ted and Annette?
Come on in.
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52. Yes. Fangs for coming.
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53. Have a bloody good time.
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54. Awesome.
Oh! Oh.
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55. There he is.
What's up, Noah?
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56. - Ow!
- Nice.
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57. - Ha!
- All right, well...
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58. - Annie, are you okay?
- Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning.
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59. - Are you okay, Annie?
- All right.
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60. - Are you okay?
- Annie, are you okay, Annie?
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61. You've been touched by
a smooth criminal.
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62. - Oh, more kicks.
- Ha! Closer! Closer!
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63. - More kicks. You're...
- Close to your face!
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64. You... Ah!
You almost hit me there.
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65. No more "sham on" s.
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66. You want to come inside?
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67. That's annoying.
That is very annoy...
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68. Stop. Stop! Just...
Don't do it anymore.
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69. Ha!
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70. Just keep doing the sham on.
That's the one...
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71. - That's in bad taste.
- Ho!
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72. This isn't...
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73. I don't even know what that is.
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74. Thriller eyes.
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75. I'm... oh, okay.
Ha!
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76. He doesn't slap his ass
like that, so I don't know what...
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77. I've never seen him
hit his ass...
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78. - Hey. But no...
- O-oh!
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79. Hey... can we just... hey...
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80. Hey, man...
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81. Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it!
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82. The costume's
awful,
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83. The impression is stupid
and played out,
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84. Everybody and their mother
was Michael Jackson
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85. three years ago when he died!
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86. He died?
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87. - Oh.
- Wait... wait, he died?
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88. Oh, Noah.
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89. Oh, Noah...
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90. What?
No, wait... wait a second.
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91. Don't sad-moonwalk away.
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92. Happy Halloween.
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93. All right, listen up.
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94. Sheriff's department's close by...
We'll be safe there.
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95. - Okay.
- Stay close.
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96. I'll get you out of here.
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97. Oh, my God! Oh, my G...
They got Brad!
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98. They got Brad! They got Brad!
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99. Hey, they didn't get us!
They didn't get us!
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100. Okay? We're still alive.
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101. - Yeah, right.
- Keep it together.
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102. Yeah, okay.
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103. We gotta make it
to that sheriff's station.
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104. We gotta go through 'em.
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105. Just stay together, keep moving,
and don't get bit.
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106. Go!
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107. - Are you getting this?
- Yeah, what is up?
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108. All right, let's go.
Let's go.
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109. This is crazy.
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110. - What?
- Um...
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111. - Oh.
- Ain't that some?
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112. These are some racist
motherzombies!
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113. Why would you even
lock the door?
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114. I mean, the window's broken,
and...
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115. Oh! Oh, hell, no.
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116. - That's...
- No, no, no.
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117. - Oh, come on!
- What is that?
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118. They seriously
wouldn't let her eat us.
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119. - That's...
- Hey, guys.
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120. Isn't this great?
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121. These racist zombies
are leaving us alone.
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122. Come on,
we're having a party.
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123. The beer is here!
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124. And look who I brought.
Come on, man.
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125. You like Harry Potter movies,
right?
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126. I do like...
putting me on blast.
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127. - Put me on blast.
- I'm just asking you...
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128. - Yeah, I like...
- If you enjoy the...
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129. Can you explain
that phenomenon to me?
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130. Never read a book,
never seen a movie.
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131. - Okay, see, well, you're...
- I don't know anything about it.
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132. - You're missing out.
- Am I missing out? Am I missing out?
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133. Mm, my friend.
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134. My friend, the wonderful world
of Hogwarts.
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135. Okay, and that's...
that's his house, right?
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136. That's... oh.
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137. - That's... Hogwarts's house?
- House.
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138. No, you would love it.
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139. You would love...
you would be perfect for Hog...
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140. - I don't think so.
- You... look, Hufflepuff.
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141. Hufflepuff.
You just got sorted.
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142. - Do I go like...
- You just got sorted.
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143. Is that right?
Is what I'm doing right?
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144. Okay, but do I look
in the camera?
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145. No? Oh, at you?
All right.
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146. Like on television,
all right.
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147. Now, knock it off!
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148. All the stupid-ass grab-ass
and touchy-feely bull!
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149. God damn!
I told you they was rotten.
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150. I am Parnabus Jackson,
principal here at Clortho's,
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151. Uh, Vince Clortho High.
Uh...
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152. This station's
just a formality, but...
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153. Here's a bunch of stuff that
we confiscated just this week.
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154. Stuff... we don't have
to show them that.
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155. Here's a wand
with a silencer on it.
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156. Why?
But I ask again, why?
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157. One out of five girls
in this school
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158. is pregnant with a demon baby!
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159. - Well...
- One out of five!
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160. The babies are evil,
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161. But the mothers,
they're good kids.
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162. As we say at Clortho's,
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163. "There's never a portal
that cannot be opened
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164. "with ingenuity and respect."
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165. Now...
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166. How you gon' be using
an invisible cloak,
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167. when I can see
you're tagging the damn wall?
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168. Dime bag of pixie dust.
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169. Contraband.
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170. See, here's the thing,
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171. The kids know
that the only way to fly...
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172. - Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable.
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173. Get your ass
out my office.
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174. I will turn you
into a spider!
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175. They're good kids.
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176. Hogwarts and Clortho's,
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177. Clortho's and Hogwarts,
they go hand-in-hand,
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178. The best top two
wizarding schools there are.
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179. But you know,
out of these two schools,
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180. we each have a strike.
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181. We do score a little bit lower
on standardized tests
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182. than Hogwarts,
but there is a cultural bias.
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183. We may not have
a huge endowment
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184. like they get
over at Hogwarts,
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185. and yes, some of the teachers
have to buy
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186. their own newt's eyes
or bat wings or...
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187. One kid got transformed
into a cat.
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188. They can't even afford
to change him back.
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189. This young man's name
is Jamar.
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190. Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like this
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191. when they're in human form,
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192. But when they're a cat,
we just have at it.
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193. Sports.
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194. Everybody loves sports.
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195. - It's true.
- Not everybody.
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196. The hallways are a-bluster
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197. with the conversation
of our Quidditch team.
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198. Half the team
is back here riding mops.
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199. We got two little
on Swiffers.
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200. Lester!
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201. When all is said and done,
the average Clortho student...
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202. uh, say... This mother...
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203. Sometimes the kids
think it's cute
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204. To turn themselves
into a rat,
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205. sneak into my office,
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206. Play a little joke on me.
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207. Who is that?
Tyrone, is that... is that...?
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208. No,
that's an actual rat.
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209. So I'm doing this, like,
airline food diet.
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210. - Yeah.
- It's, like, all I eat,
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211. and I've lost,
like, 16 pounds.
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212. - Oh, my God, Amy.
- Yeah.
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213. - I almost forgot to tell you.
- What?
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214. We got a new receptionist
at work.
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215. - Ew! No way.
- Yeah. So...
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216. I'm in the common area alone,
minding my own business...
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217. - Yeah... oh,
she said something to you?
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218. She came up to me,
and no joke, she's like,
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219. "Hi, I'm Sandy.
I don't believe we've met yet."
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220. She said that to you?
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221. Like, no, Amy,
I'm not even kidding you.
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222. She's crazy.
- Um, yeah!
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223. No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy,
like, get this bitch away from me,
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224. She's sociopathically
batshit crazy.
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225. Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me,
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226. - I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah?
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227. She comes over to my house,
she knocks on the door
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228. with, like, a package under her arm.
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229. - Um, stalker much?
- Um, yeah.
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230. And she looks me in the eye,
and she says to me,
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231. "Um, excuse me,
I think the postman
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232. dropped this package off
at my house by accident."
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233. - She said that to you?
- Yeah.
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234. - Crazy bitch!
- I mean, like,
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235. I'm gonna have to move
because this bitch is
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236. nutburgers-McLooneytunes,
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237. stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed-
with-a-knife crazy.
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238. Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me!
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239. - Oh, yeah.
- You remember that girl at Starbuck's?
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240. - The crazy one?
- No, a different one. She's new.
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241. - I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.
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242. - Uh-huh.
- She gives me my change,
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243. and then she's like,
"Thanks, bye."
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244. She smiled at you like that?
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245. - How crazy is that?
- That's, like...
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246. That's, like,
insane-in-the-membrane crazy.
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247. Like, this is the membrane, she's
inside of it, 'cause that's insane.
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248. No, I'm not even
kidding you, Amy,
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249. that's crazy like, it-puts-
the-lotion-in-the-basket,
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250. or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again,
Cray-to-the-motherCray!
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251. Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister,
her name would be "Cray."
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252. Hey!
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253. You ladies
want to meet Channing Tatum?
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254. - Is he really in there?
- Are you serious?
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255. - Oh, Channing!
- Oh, my God, Channing!
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256. Channing,
what are you doing in a van?
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257. This is effing crazy.
I don't see you, Channing.
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258. - Why are you hiding?
- Why are you in here?
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259. Channing, are you, like,
in a little ball in the front seat?
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260. Hello?
It smells like mildew in here.
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261. - I bet...
- ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge.
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262. Is that a meat hook?
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263. You guys know what the
human centipede is?
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264. Human centipede?
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265. Yeah.
You guys?
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266. Some of you don't?
Some people don't.
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267. There's this movie
called Human Centipede.
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268. It's the most up
horror movie ever.
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269. Ever made.
Ever made, ever.
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270. And what happens, basically,
three people
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271. and the first person's ass is sewn
to the next person's mouth.
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272. - Mouth.
- Whose ass is sewn...
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273. To the next person's mouth.
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274. And hence,
a multi-legged organism, uh...
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275. And then...
Look at this woman's mouth,
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276. It's just open... Don't open
your mouth right now, ma'am.
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277. She's just, like... don't op...
yes, please, don't...
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278. You don't want
to open your...
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279. No one's gonna
do it to you, ma'am.
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280. So here's what happened
in real life on planet Earth.
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281. - On planet Earth, in real life,
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282. somebody said, "Let's take
a look at this script here.
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283. - Yeah.
- "Let me see.
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284. "I think you'll like
everything I've done there.
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285. - "Uh-huh, okay.
- "Let me know how you think.
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286. "Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah,
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287. "this should make
millions of dollars."
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288. - I am gonna go wash my hands.
- Okay, sweetie.
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289. - Okay.
- See you in a second.
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290. Buddy!
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291. Um, I'm sorry, uh,
that seat is actually taken.
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292. My girlfriend
is in the bathroom,
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293. and she should be back any second,
so you cannot sit there.
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294. You don't even recognize me,
do you?
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295. No. No, I d... I don't...
I don't know you.
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296. We were in
that human centipede together!
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297. I said,
I do not know you.
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298. Three years ago, we were kidnapped
by the crazy German scientist
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299. who surgically connected us
into a single human digestive chain.
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300. There were three of us,
I was in the middle,
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301. you were at the end,
the other guy was up front.
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302. Your mouth
was sewn to my butthole!
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303. Okay, yes, I remember!
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304. And after years of therapy,
I finally put that behind me.
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305. Probably should've said
you put it behind me,
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306. If you catch my drift.
I'm sorry.
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307. Sorry!
You already caught my drift.
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308. I'm sorry!
That's it.
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309. It was right there
in front of me.
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310. - Really? Really?
- I'm sorry.
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311. I guess it was right there
in front of you.
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312. That's it.
I'm sorry.
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313. How are you doing?
How are you?
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314. Is there something else
I can help you with?
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315. - Um... oh!
- Hey, eater.
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316. - No way!
- Hey!
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317. - Front man!
- this is a nightmare.
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318. Hey, Back man.
Back man!
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319. No, don't call me that.
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320. - Ah!
- Hey, cop a squat.
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321. No!
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322. Ooh, chili.
Old habits die hard?
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323. Nice one!
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324. - Now I can't eat it.
- Oh, word?
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325. - Why are you happy to see him?
- Come on, man!
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326. You know, we all shared
the same experience.
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327. No, we didn't. He was in the front.
Nobody in his mouth!
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328. That is true.
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329. - Do you ever stop eating? Ever?
- Only when I'm.
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330. Okay.
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331. - But me and you, right?
- Me and you what?
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332. I mean.
We were in the same boat.
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333. Nope, you two
were in the same boat.
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334. You both
in someone's mouth.
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335. I didn't get to
in anyone's mouth!
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336. "Get to"?
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337. When do I get to
in anybody's mouth, huh?
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338. When do I get to
in somebody's mouth?
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339. - Steven!
- Hon... I... No.
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340. These guys... I can explain this.
I can explain this.
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341. You...
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342. Oh, you're disgusted?
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343. You... oh, now,
you're gonna leave?
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344. Oh, yeah.
That's great. Oh, yeah.
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345. Once again,
I'm the asshole.
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346. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
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347. Now, as you know, sometimes
during the chaos
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348. of a presidential campaign,
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349. It's easy to forget the beauty
of the democratic process...
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350. This is it!
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351. Armageddon!
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352. I mean, y'all got to
vote for me, y'all, you have to!
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353. Or we gonna get banked over
by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires!
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354. This is
my anger translator, Luther,
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355. Who... I thought
had the day off.
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356. What the are you
doing here, Luther?
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357. Anyway,
I think that everybody
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358. needs to take a moment
to appreciate
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359. that our political system
truly works.
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360. Unless Romney wins,
and then the is broke!
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361. And despite the heated
rhetoric of a campaign, there's
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362. always a place
for civil discourse.
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363. As long as you got a few
million dollars lying around
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364. so you can counteract
all the negative ads.
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365. Hey, Romney and Karl Rove
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366. and all you evil mother
with your slimy-ass super PACs,
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367. Y'all done poked a hornet's nest
with a sugar stick.
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368. Y'all slapped Frankenstein
right in the bolts, man.
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369. Uhh!
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370. And you know what,
after I win this?
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371. I'm taking all y'all down.
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372. Thank you,
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373. And I'll see you all
on the campaign trail.
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374. And when you give me
your babies to kiss,
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375. please clean they diapers,
all right?
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376. 'Cause I ain't trying
to kiss no poop!
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377. Just wash they ass.
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378. You know,
just wash their ass.
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379. It's true.
You should wash their ass.
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380. How come in every
Stephen King book or movie...
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381. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
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382. A black person
has got to have special powers?
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383. Yeah,
Green Mile.
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384. And the mouse is alive.
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385. - Right.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
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386. Okay.
Tom Hanks' works.
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387. - That's right.
- You know what I mean?
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388. It's just, like...
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389. Bees coming out
of this mothermouth.
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390. - Aah.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
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391. And in The Stand, the woman...
you know, she had...
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392. She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah.
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393. Oh, Mama Abagail
gonna show you the way.
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394. - That's... oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
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395. - I want to go to Maine...
- Yes.
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396. So I can meet
all these magical black people.
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397. That is where magical
black people go to retire.
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398. I-I... yeah, right...
oh, okay.
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399. So your office is
all the way down at the end.
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400. You have your own attached
bathroom, by the way.
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401. Oh, um, here's one
of our best researchers. Dick?
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402. - Hey.
- Ah, hello there.
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403. What's up, dude?
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404. Glad to see there's another brother
in this stuffy place.
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405. - So, uh, this is gonna be
your assistant, Genevieve.
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406. - Genevieve, I'm...
- What is this?
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407. It's the Shining, man.
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408. All black people
have the Shining.
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409. You never shined with
another black person before?
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410. No, I grew up in a white neighborhood
and then went to Dartmouth.
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411. I've met other black people before,
but not like this.
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412. You gotta get shined at
by another black person first,
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413. and then you get it.
It's kinda like Facebook.
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414. What up, dudes?
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415. So every black person has this?
Is Kobe listening?
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416. Yo, what up?
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417. Wow! Denzel Washington?
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418. I'm here, I'm present,
and I will always be around.
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419. - Lil' Jon?
- Yeah!
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420. Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray.
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421. I'm glad to have you
on board.
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422. Oh,
What's up, Barack Obama?
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423. Ahem!
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424. Wouldn't that be something
if Barack Obama just showed up?
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425. Your start-up paperwork's
right over here.
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426. Man, you gotta be more careful.
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427. Learn to use the Shining.
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428. Tune in and out of it.
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429. Otherwise you won't be able
to sort out who's talking.
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430. And I'm sick of these
goddamn snakes...
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431. - Just give me the basketball!
- ... on this goddamn plane!
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432. Here, yo, Coco, what
you want to drink, girl?
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433. Leo, what are you doing?
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434. Drink some colt 45 malt liquor.
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435. Women dig chocolate!
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436. Is everything okay?
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437. Ray! Listen for Morgan.
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438. Morgan Freeman.
He will guide you.
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439. Listen to my voice, Ray.
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440. Now, just stay calm
and focus on that white man.
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441. Everything's going to be okay.
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442. Once you finish up this paperwork,
bring it to Jennifer in my office.
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443. Now, pick up that letter opener,
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444. and kill
that white man.
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445. Have an amazing Halloween.
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446. - Don't encourage him.
- Shamone! Oh!
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447. Close to your face!
- No, don't.
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448. We're not doing that.
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449. Sham on!
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450. Sham on! Sham on! Sham on!
Sham on! Sham on!
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451. Sham on!
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452. Ah! Ha!
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453. Close to your face!
- No! All right.
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454. Look at him,
he looks like...
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455. you look like Michael Jackson
after he got burnt.
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456. - Good night,
everybody!
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457. Oh, yeah!
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458. Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
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459. - These girls over there.
- These two girls
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460. are— she's crying.
She's crying right now.
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461. Don't wipe away that— don't!
No!
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462. Hey, it's cool!
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463. People will actually think we're funny!
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