1. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
2. With me, as always,
is my anger translator Luther.Copy !req
3. Boom, Mitt!Copy !req
4. I sunk your battleship, bitch!
What's up?Copy !req
5. To the American people, I just want
to say that the debates are overCopy !req
6. but now is not a time
to tally pointsCopy !req
7. or to, uh, keep the score.Copy !req
8. 2-1, Obama.Copy !req
9. Game, set, match,
touchdown, homerun, checkmate.Copy !req
10. Can we get back to work now?Copy !req
11. Governor Romney,
in the recent debate,Copy !req
12. I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs.Copy !req
13. Okay, Governor Rom... Listen,
I'm gonna tell you a little...Copy !req
14. Governor Romney,
why are you smilingCopy !req
15. while you're getting
your ass kicked?Copy !req
16. Are we debating, or are you trying
to sell me a Lexus?Copy !req
17. I directly questioned you
about your oppositionCopy !req
18. to the auto industry bailout.Copy !req
19. On behalf of all the people in Detroit
that want to stab you,Copy !req
20. I ask again,
why are you smiling?Copy !req
21. I asked you about
your stance on Syria,Copy !req
22. which you called
"Iran's route to the sea."Copy !req
23. Hey... Dummy... Look!Copy !req
24. Iran is on the sea.Copy !req
25. Syria's two god damn
countries this way.Copy !req
26. Bam...
which is a city in Iran.Copy !req
27. I even reminded you
that horses and bayonetsCopy !req
28. are not strategically valid
in modern warfare.Copy !req
29. So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smileCopy !req
30. off your sweaty, sweaty,
pasty-ass sweaty face.Copy !req
31. I mean, Mitt,
do you need a towel?Copy !req
32. Because your face is
straight up raining.Copy !req
33. I spoke about brinksmanship
with Iran,Copy !req
34. and you just said
you wanted a peaceful planet.Copy !req
35. I mean, who let
Wavy Gravy up in here?Copy !req
36. I'm sorry, Mitt.Copy !req
37. If you want to be the first
mormon hippie,Copy !req
38. you're gonna need to grow
your hair out, dog.Copy !req
39. And quit smiling!Copy !req
40. !
This got me...Copy !req
41. There were many times
where you even, uh,Copy !req
42. inexplicably agreed with me.Copy !req
43. Stop agreeing with me!Copy !req
44. Are you trying to body snatch me
and become meCopy !req
45. for the last two weeks
of the election?Copy !req
46. I mean, what's...
I'm sorry, time out.Copy !req
47. Sir, I'm, like,
legitimately concernedCopy !req
48. that he's like an insane,
rich, crazy person who's gonna...Copy !req
49. - Luther...
- Wait, okay, yeah.Copy !req
50. - Calm down now.
- Okay.Copy !req
51. I assure you,
Governor Romney's not insane.Copy !req
52. - Okay.
- Thank you.Copy !req
53. - No problem.
- In conclusion...Copy !req
54. I greatly appreciated our
exchange on foreign policy.Copy !req
55. But we all know the only
country that matters...Copy !req
56. is Ohio.Copy !req
57. You sweaty, smiley,Copy !req
58. never-gonna-be-president
looking mother.Copy !req
59. - What?
- Hey...Copy !req
60. Loosing up a little bit
over here.Copy !req
61. And it's just about
ing time.Copy !req
62. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
63. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
64. - Hello!
- Hi.Copy !req
65. Thank you.Copy !req
66. Thank you.Copy !req
67. Thank you for coming.Copy !req
68. Thank you so much.Copy !req
69. Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
70. - I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.Copy !req
71. - Thank you for coming.
- Key... and Peele.Copy !req
72. Thank you!Copy !req
73. So...Copy !req
74. The other day you and I
were talking aboutCopy !req
75. why there are no longer
rap groups.Copy !req
76. Rap groups.
Do you guys...Copy !req
77. Do you know
what happened to rap groups?Copy !req
78. There are rappers...
and there are collaborations.Copy !req
79. Right.Copy !req
80. - But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.Copy !req
81. Wu-Tang Clan... they had...Copy !req
82. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
83. - Right.
- These dudes...Copy !req
84. - They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
85. - With like katana blades,
- What's a katana blade?Copy !req
86. Dressed like Ninja Turtles.Copy !req
87. Or-or-or Public Enemy had...Copy !req
88. You know, like one rapper,
a crazy man with a clock,Copy !req
89. - and a security force.
- Yeah.Copy !req
90. Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.Copy !req
91. Yeah!Copy !req
92. These dudes... they were
the first band, I think in historyCopy !req
93. just to have a black woman
on stage going like that...Copy !req
94. - Right. Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.Copy !req
95. - There was just...
- There's no reason for it.Copy !req
96. That's right.Copy !req
97. And a little old man
in a rocking chair,Copy !req
98. just an old man
in a rocking chair.Copy !req
99. Brock Favors here,Copy !req
100. Filling again for Chad ArmstrongCopy !req
101. who is out sick today.Copy !req
102. We are here live
at the Metro Police DepartmentCopy !req
103. canine training facility,Copy !req
104. And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniquesCopy !req
105. used by the canine unit.Copy !req
106. Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will
be playing the assailant today.Copy !req
107. - Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.Copy !req
108. Now, Officer Hanson, I am
perfectly safe in this suit, right?Copy !req
109. Yeah, you're 100% safe.Copy !req
110. In fact, those are the suits
we use for officer training.Copy !req
111. All right!
Well, there you go.Copy !req
112. Well, kids, make sure
that you do not try this at homeCopy !req
113. with your chihuahuas.Copy !req
114. Ow! Ow! Ow!
!Copy !req
115. Get this off of me!
Get this off of me!Copy !req
116. Damn!
Get this off of me!Copy !req
117. !Copy !req
118. Oh, God damn!
Oh, God damn!Copy !req
119. Oh,
Whoo!Copy !req
120. Okie dokey.
I am sorry...Copy !req
121. that, uh, you all justCopy !req
122. heard me use that inappropriate
language that was very uncalled for.Copy !req
123. - When you panic like that...
- Yeah.Copy !req
124. He thinks you're more
of a threat than you are.Copy !req
125. Uh-huh.Copy !req
126. That's when he's gonna
bite down harder.Copy !req
127. Okay, well, I will...
make an effort this time to...Copy !req
128. really try and be
as calm as possibleCopy !req
129. even though it is
very difficult to be calmCopy !req
130. when you're in the lion's den.Copy !req
131. Or should I say the doggie den?
You know what I mean?Copy !req
132. Oh,Copy !req
133. Oh,
This dog is eating my junk!Copy !req
134. He's eating my junk!
No!Copy !req
135. Oh,
He's got my junk!Copy !req
136. Aghh! Oh, my God!
Get him off me!Copy !req
137. - That's, uh...
- You don't even know...Copy !req
138. Oh, boy.Copy !req
139. Until you've seen a dog go after
Keegan-Michael Key's testiclesCopy !req
140. Four takes in a row.Copy !req
141. And this...
I love you came into that day cocky.Copy !req
142. I couldn't wait. I was like,
"Let him go, let him do it!"Copy !req
143. - He's like,
"I got the suit on.Copy !req
144. - Oh, man.Copy !req
145. "He's not gonna be able
to penetrate."Copy !req
146. Well, this whole area
was protected seven-fold.Copy !req
147. So... I didn't feel anything
when the dog was there.Copy !req
148. It's when I fell on the ground...
And they said,Copy !req
149. "Let him go at it again while
Keegan's laying on the ground.Copy !req
150. "Let him get in there
and get the crotch."Copy !req
151. "Just get in there!"Copy !req
152. - And that dog came
right in here, went bip!Copy !req
153. And got my thigh.Copy !req
154. And our magic word was "Uncle."Copy !req
155. No one has ever said the word
"uncle" faster in their life.Copy !req
156. I was like, "Ah! Ah!
Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle!Copy !req
157. "That's real! It's real!
It's real, it's real!"Copy !req
158. - And then... you wanna know some...
- It's real!Copy !req
159. You wanna know
some really scary?Copy !req
160. That dude that owned the dog...
My man said,Copy !req
161. "Stop, stop, stop!
Nein!"Copy !req
162. - This dog said...
- That dog was like...Copy !req
163. That dog came up...Copy !req
164. I think that I'm the worst
Halo player in the world.Copy !req
165. You are
the worst Halo player.Copy !req
166. I'm the worst Halo player
in the world. I played with my brother.Copy !req
167. I realize I shouldn't have
brought that up.Copy !req
168. Remember when my brother
came over that one time?Copy !req
169. Yeah.Copy !req
170. We just spent 25 minutes just going,Copy !req
171. "Why don't you just go around
the backside of the cliff?Copy !req
172. "I can't find...
Just get out of my way then.Copy !req
173. "Well, how am I... There's a thing!
Don't shoot it! Shoot it!Copy !req
174. "Oh! I'm off the cliff!"Copy !req
175. You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I...Copy !req
176. - You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.Copy !req
177. Just two grown men who just
reverted to eight-year-olds.Copy !req
178. So you can say
as much as you want.Copy !req
179. But you can't say
the name of the celebrityCopy !req
180. or any part of their name,
got it?Copy !req
181. - Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.Copy !req
182. - We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.Copy !req
183. Baby, you are going down.Copy !req
184. Why don't you start the timer
and be amazed?Copy !req
185. And... go.Copy !req
186. Okay, this guy...
"E" equals MC squared.Copy !req
187. - Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.Copy !req
188. What?
That's easy. Hello?Copy !req
189. Okay, this is the Terminator.Copy !req
190. - Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Yeah!Copy !req
191. Okay, we got... we got...Copy !req
192. Talking about, uh...
"Are you talking to me?"Copy !req
193. - Robert De Niro!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
194. All right.
All right.Copy !req
195. This person pretend to be
straight but he's really gay.Copy !req
196. Me!Copy !req
197. Uh, uh... he is, uh...Copy !req
198. Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.Copy !req
199. Me.Copy !req
200. - It's...
- No.Copy !req
201. - Okay.
- He's a, um...Copy !req
202. Latin pop star.Copy !req
203. I'm not a Latin pop star.Copy !req
204. No, you are not.
It's not you.Copy !req
205. "He bangs, he bangs."Copy !req
206. - Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.Copy !req
207. I wrote that one too.Copy !req
208. Tyrell about to come
out here right now.Copy !req
209. - 'Sup, ladies?
- Watch this, watch this.Copy !req
210. Yo, Tyrell.Copy !req
211. Yo, what up, Lawrence?Copy !req
212. Hey, man, you wanna play
front hand, back hand?Copy !req
213. - I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.Copy !req
214. All you gotta do is say
"front hand" or "back hand."Copy !req
215. - Aight, front hand.
- Ugh!Copy !req
216. Bam! I got you, sucka!Copy !req
217. Oh, okay. Okay.
I see how it is now.Copy !req
218. Come on, man. Come on.
You know that was funny]Copy !req
219. - Back hand.
- Huh?Copy !req
220. It's still my move, right?
I choose back hand this time.Copy !req
221. - Really?
- Back hand,Copy !req
222. Uh...Copy !req
223. Oh!Copy !req
224. - God damn!Copy !req
225. Look, Ty, I'm sorry,
but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean?Copy !req
226. I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.Copy !req
227. Front hand!Copy !req
228. What? No.
Why you wanna hit...Copy !req
229. I... got it!
I figured it out.Copy !req
230. Front hand!
No, back hand! Back hand!Copy !req
231. No, look, look.
Dude... Hey...Copy !req
232. If you want me to slap you
across the face back hand, I'll do it.Copy !req
233. Okay?
Don't think I won't do it.Copy !req
234. But you know that
I'm with you, right?Copy !req
235. I mean, there ain't no game
called "front hand, back hand."Copy !req
236. - Oh!
- Right. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
237. Oh, dog!
Yeah, I get it. I get it.Copy !req
238. All right,
all right, all right.Copy !req
239. As soon as I get good
at "front hand, back hand",Copy !req
240. you wanna stop playing.Copy !req
241. Play what, man?Copy !req
242. I made it up so I could
smack you in the face.Copy !req
243. I'm about to smack you
in the faceCopy !req
244. as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand!Copy !req
245. There ain't no turns,
,Copy !req
246. 'cause it ain't no game.Copy !req
247. You ain't got no game,Copy !req
248. Back hand!Copy !req
249. Aghh!Copy !req
250. Front hand.Copy !req
251. Look, I don't know
if you're with meCopy !req
252. at this point or what...Copy !req
253. but I don't wanna...
smack a no more.Copy !req
254. Where you going then?Copy !req
255. Okay, forfeit.Copy !req
256. Forfeit, I win!
I win front hand, back hand!Copy !req
257. Okay.
Me and you.Copy !req
258. , me and you.
Me and you.Copy !req
259. Hmm?
Back hand.Copy !req
260. Ah!Copy !req
261. Oh!Copy !req
262. This November,
you gotta get out and vote!Copy !req
263. It's all about democracy,
y'all.Copy !req
264. Your vote gets counted with
the rest of the votes in the countryCopy !req
265. and they get sent off
to the Electoral College.Copy !req
266. What's that?Copy !req
267. The Electoral College
are a bunch of officialsCopy !req
268. who do the voting for us.Copy !req
269. So in case we elect
the wrong person,Copy !req
270. they can fix that shiz!Copy !req
271. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.Copy !req
272. - Who the hell are these people?
- Well, no one knows for sure,Copy !req
273. But whoever they is, they the folks
who actually do the real votingCopy !req
274. after we do our
pretend voting.Copy !req
275. Yeah!Copy !req
276. - Power to the...
- Hold the on!Copy !req
277. You're telling me
our votes don't matter?Copy !req
278. Our votes are like
suggestions.Copy !req
279. So this November, we should...Copy !req
280. - Yeah!
- Dunk the vote!Copy !req
281. You know what I really hate?
When, uh...Copy !req
282. Girls be... it's usually
white girls to be honest.Copy !req
283. I don't mean to make it racial,
but it is. Sorry.Copy !req
284. White girls saying...
just dropping "awkward."Copy !req
285. "Awkward."Copy !req
286. Bitch, it wasn't awkward
till you said some.Copy !req
287. What... who are you
pointing at, sir?Copy !req
288. Oh, that's her?
She's doing the aw...Copy !req
289. - Did that happen yesterday?
- Same way.Copy !req
290. Same way.Copy !req
291. - And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.Copy !req
292. - Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.Copy !req
293. Oh, man. But she had to provide
a moment of clarity.Copy !req
294. She had to say...
"awkward."Copy !req
295. That is how black women do it,
with the little...Copy !req
296. - "Awkward."
- You ain't gon...Copy !req
297. I'm metaphorically
locking the car door on you.Copy !req
298. Bip.Copy !req
299. Tisket, tasket...
- This one back here.Copy !req
300. Green and yellow basket.Copy !req
301. - This is a limousine.Copy !req
302. Hello? Thanks for calling
Mario's Pizza.Copy !req
303. - This is Carlos speaking.
- Allo.Copy !req
304. We would like a large pieCopy !req
305. with pepperoni, pineapple,
and cheesy crust.Copy !req
306. Large pepperoni
with pineapple and cheesy crust.Copy !req
307. - We would also like
a large pieCopy !req
308. with bacon, pineapple,
and... cheesy crust.Copy !req
309. Large bacon, pineapple,
with cheesy crust. Okay.Copy !req
310. Is that gonna complete
your order, sir?Copy !req
311. You know what?
Let me gauge the room.Copy !req
312. Uh, guys, are we gonna want
another pizza?Copy !req
313. Let me just... who's hungry?
Show of hands.Copy !req
314. Let me see 'em.
One, two, three...Copy !req
315. Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.Copy !req
316. - Ah, having a party.
- Yup. Pretty big one too.Copy !req
317. Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu?Copy !req
318. You know what,
let's play it safe.Copy !req
319. Let's get another pie
with ham, pineapple.Copy !req
320. All right, ham...Copy !req
321. Oh, are you guys gonna need
cheesy crust on the third?Copy !req
322. Good question.
I'll gauge the room.Copy !req
323. Hey, guys, do we want
cheesy crust on the third?Copy !req
324. Okay, yeesh.Copy !req
325. That is a resounding yesCopy !req
326. for cheesy crust on the third.Copy !req
327. Claire says you read her mind.Copy !req
328. Claire, huh?
I like that name.Copy !req
329. It's a good one.Copy !req
330. Oh, also, my boy Andy over hereCopy !req
331. is saying you have something
called chicken poppers.Copy !req
332. - Is she cute?
- Uh, who's that and what now?Copy !req
333. - Claire.
- Oh.Copy !req
334. Her body's like a four.Copy !req
335. - Anyway, we would also—
- H-H-How do you mean?Copy !req
336. Ha, let's just say
she's kind of a big girl.Copy !req
337. That's all good.Copy !req
338. That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.Copy !req
339. - You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,Copy !req
340. I feel like
I do know Claire, man.Copy !req
341. Put me on the phone
with her.Copy !req
342. Uh...Copy !req
343. You don't need
to speak to Claire.Copy !req
344. No, I do.Copy !req
345. You know what,
I gotta level with you, man.Copy !req
346. I... her.Copy !req
347. Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
348. I didn't mean to get
in between you guys.Copy !req
349. No, it's quite all right.Copy !req
350. 'Twas a while ago...Copy !req
351. Before she blimped up.Copy !req
352. My current girlfriend's Liv.Copy !req
353. Body, ten.
Face, ten.Copy !req
354. But anyway, Claire... Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.Copy !req
355. And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.Copy !req
356. Hell, even Bobba got
some of that.Copy !req
357. So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.Copy !req
358. So you wouldn't care
if I asked her out?Copy !req
359. Well...Copy !req
360. Let me do it for you.Copy !req
361. Hey, Claire, this guy from
the pizza place wants to date you.Copy !req
362. Too poor? All right,
I'll let him down easy.Copy !req
363. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.Copy !req
364. Tell her that, no,
I'm not a rich man.Copy !req
365. But I'm a good man.
Tell her,Copy !req
366. "Claire, I believe in destiny.Copy !req
367. "And I believe
that we've always knownCopy !req
368. "that our soul mate
was out there.Copy !req
369. "The moment that we had
that unspoken connectionCopy !req
370. "about the cheesy crust...Copy !req
371. "I realized that you were
always the one.Copy !req
372. "Because... and I know
this sounds corny...Copy !req
373. "but that moment...Copy !req
374. "was just like...Copy !req
375. "simple."Copy !req
376. Wow.Copy !req
377. You really do care
about Claire.Copy !req
378. I do.Copy !req
379. Oh, my God!
Claire just got shot!Copy !req
380. - What? No!
- Oh!Copy !req
381. Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.Copy !req
382. It hit her in the neck. Oh...Copy !req
383. Claire's down!
She's dead!Copy !req
384. She's dead! I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!Copy !req
385. Claire!
Noooo!Copy !req
386. Chinese it is.Copy !req
387. One thing that fascinates us
is that like any movieCopy !req
388. - like The Help or...
- Glory.Copy !req
389. We call 'em like
"white man's burden" movies,Copy !req
390. 'cause you know...Copy !req
391. White people go see
these movies,Copy !req
392. and then they come out
and they're like,Copy !req
393. "racism is alive!
Face it in the eyes!Copy !req
394. "Racism's still here
and I'm not taking it anymore!"Copy !req
395. Like I need to do a Def Jam
white guy voice, right?Copy !req
396. It's like Def Jam white guy
bordering on Jimmy Stewart.Copy !req
397. - Are you Ms. Tubman?
- The name's Harriet.Copy !req
398. Well, thank God in heavenCopy !req
399. for the work
that you're doing, Harriet.Copy !req
400. Before you thank me,
let me tell you.Copy !req
401. I've led hundreds of slaves
to freedomCopy !req
402. through this here
underground railroad.Copy !req
403. But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready?Copy !req
404. All right.Copy !req
405. Then hike up your breechesCopy !req
406. and follow me to freedom!Copy !req
407. Watch this, black molasses!Copy !req
408. Well, where is she now?Copy !req
409. That was the easy part.Copy !req
410. Now stay close.Copy !req
411. This next 500 miles
gets a little sticky.Copy !req
412. Ah!Copy !req
413. Forget this, man.
I'm going back.Copy !req
414. Thank you.Copy !req
415. Thank you so much, everybody.Copy !req
416. Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience...Copy !req
417. sexually, so...Copy !req
418. Good night!
Good night. Take care.Copy !req
419. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
420. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
421. True story: I actuallyCopy !req
422. convinced some kids I was african once.Copy !req
423. Just because, I was so bad at basketball,Copy !req
424. I knew they'd bought "I nevew
played the game befowe in my life".Copy !req
425. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req