1. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
2. With me, as always,
is my anger translator Luther.Copy !req
3. Boom, Mitt!Copy !req
4. I sunk your battleship, bitch!
What's up?Copy !req
5. To the American people, I just want
to say that the debates are overCopy !req
6. but now is not a time
to tally pointsCopy !req
7. or to, uh, keep the score.Copy !req
8. 2-1, Obama.Copy !req
9. Game, set, match,
touchdown, homerun, checkmate.Copy !req
10. Can we get back to work now?Copy !req
11. Governor Romney,
in the recent debate,Copy !req
12. I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs.Copy !req
13. Okay, Governor Rom... Listen,
I'm gonna tell you a little...Copy !req
14. Governor Romney,
why are you smilingCopy !req
15. while you're getting
your ass kicked?Copy !req
16. Are we debating, or are you trying
to sell me a Lexus?Copy !req
17. I directly questioned you
about your oppositionCopy !req
18. to the auto industry bailout.Copy !req
19. On behalf of all the people in Detroit
that want to stab you,Copy !req
20. I ask again,
why are you smiling?Copy !req
21. I asked you about
your stance on Syria,Copy !req
22. which you called
"Iran's route to the sea."Copy !req
23. Hey... Dummy... Look!Copy !req
24. Iran is on the sea.Copy !req
25. Syria's two god damn
countries this way.Copy !req
26. Bam...
which is a city in iran.Copy !req
27. I even reminded you
that horses and bayonetsCopy !req
28. are not strategically valid
in modern warfare.Copy !req
29. So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smileCopy !req
30. off your sweaty, sweaty,
pasty-ass sweaty face.Copy !req
31. I mean, Mitt,
do you need a towel?Copy !req
32. Because your face is
straight up raining.Copy !req
33. I spoke about brinksmanship
with Iran,Copy !req
34. and you just said
you wanted a peaceful planet.Copy !req
35. I mean, who let
Wavy Gravy up in here?Copy !req
36. I'm sorry, Mitt.Copy !req
37. If you want to be the first
mormon hippie,Copy !req
38. you're gonna need to grow
your hair out, dog.Copy !req
39. and quit smiling!Copy !req
40. !
This got me...Copy !req
41. There were many times
where you even, uh,Copy !req
42. inexplicably agreed with me.Copy !req
43. Stop agreeing with me!Copy !req
44. Are you trying to body snatch me
and become meCopy !req
45. for the last two weeks
of the election?Copy !req
46. I mean, what's...
I'm sorry, time out.Copy !req
47. Sir, I'm, like,
legitimately concernedCopy !req
48. that he's like an insane,
rich, crazy person who's gonna...Copy !req
49. - Luther...
- Wait, okay, yeah.Copy !req
50. - Calm down now.
- Okay.Copy !req
51. I assure you,
Governor Romney's not insane.Copy !req
52. - Okay.
- Thank you.Copy !req
53. - No problem.
- In conclusion...Copy !req
54. I greatly appreciated our
exchange on foreign policy.Copy !req
55. But we all know the only
country that matters...Copy !req
56. is Ohio.Copy !req
57. You sweaty, smiley,Copy !req
58. never-gonna-be-president
looking mother.Copy !req
59. - What?
- Hey...Copy !req
60. Loosing up a little bit
over here.Copy !req
61. And it's just about
ing time.Copy !req
62. - Hello!
- Hi.Copy !req
63. Thank you.Copy !req
64. Thank you.Copy !req
65. Thank you for coming.Copy !req
66. Thank you so much.Copy !req
67. Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
68. - I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.Copy !req
69. - Thank you for coming.
- Key... and Peele.Copy !req
70. Thank you!Copy !req
71. So...Copy !req
72. The other day you and I
were talking aboutCopy !req
73. why there are no longer
rap groups.Copy !req
74. Rap groups.
Do you guys...Copy !req
75. Do you know
what happened to rap groups?Copy !req
76. There are rappers...
and there are collaborations.Copy !req
77. Right.Copy !req
78. - But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.Copy !req
79. Wu-Tang Clan... they had...Copy !req
80. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
81. - Right.
- These dudes...Copy !req
82. - They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
83. - With like katana blades,
- What's a katana blade?Copy !req
84. dressed like Ninja Turtles.Copy !req
85. Or-or-or Public Enemy had...Copy !req
86. You know, like one rapper,
a crazy man with a clock,Copy !req
87. - and a security force.
- Yeah.Copy !req
88. Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.Copy !req
89. Yeah!Copy !req
90. These dudes... they were
the first band, I think in historyCopy !req
91. just to have a black woman
on stage going like that...Copy !req
92. - Right. Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.Copy !req
93. - There was just...
- There's no reason for it.Copy !req
94. That's right.Copy !req
95. And a little old man
in a rocking chair,Copy !req
96. just an old man
in a rocking chair.Copy !req
97. Brock Favors here,Copy !req
98. We are here live
at the Metro Police DepartmentCopy !req
99. canine training facility,Copy !req
100. And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniquesCopy !req
101. used by the canine unit.Copy !req
102. Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will
be playing the assailant today.Copy !req
103. - Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.Copy !req
104. Now, Officer Hanson, I am
perfectly safe in this suit, right?Copy !req
105. Yeah, you're 100% safe.Copy !req
106. In fact, those are the suits
we use for officer training.Copy !req
107. All right!
Well, there you go.Copy !req
108. Well, kids, make sure
that you do not try this at homeCopy !req
109. with your chihuahuas.Copy !req
110. Ow! Ow! Ow!
!Copy !req
111. Get this off of me!
Get this off of me!Copy !req
112. Damn!
Get this off of me!Copy !req
113. !Copy !req
114. Oh, God damn!
Oh, God damn!Copy !req
115. Oh,
Whoo!Copy !req
116. Okie dokey.
I am sorry...Copy !req
117. that, uh, you all justCopy !req
118. heard me use that inappropriate
language that was very uncalled for.Copy !req
119. - When you panic like that...
- Yeah.Copy !req
120. He thinks you're more
of a threat than you are.Copy !req
121. Uh-huh.Copy !req
122. That's when he's gonna
bite down harder.Copy !req
123. Okay, well, I will...
make an effort this time to...Copy !req
124. really try and be
as calm as possibleCopy !req
125. even though it is
very difficult to be calmCopy !req
126. when you're in the lion's den.Copy !req
127. Or should I say the doggie den?
You know what I mean?Copy !req
128. Oh,Copy !req
129. Oh,
This dog is eating my junk!Copy !req
130. He's eating my junk!
No!Copy !req
131. Oh,
He's got my junk!Copy !req
132. Aghh! Oh, my God!
Get him off me!Copy !req
133. - That's, uh...
- You don't even know...Copy !req
134. Oh, boy.Copy !req
135. Until you've seen a dog go after
Keegan-Michael Key's testiclesCopy !req
136. Four takes in a row.Copy !req
137. And this...
I love you came into that day cocky.Copy !req
138. I couldn't wait. I was like,
"Let him go, let him do it!"Copy !req
139. - He's like,
"I got the suit on.Copy !req
140. - Oh, man.Copy !req
141. "He's not gonna be able
to penetrate."Copy !req
142. Well, this whole area
was protected seven-fold.Copy !req
143. So... I didn't feel anything
when the dog was there.Copy !req
144. It's when I fell on the ground...
And they said,Copy !req
145. "Let him go at it again while
Keegan's laying on the ground.Copy !req
146. "Let him get in there
and get the crotch."Copy !req
147. "Just get in there!"Copy !req
148. - And that dog came
right in here, went bip!Copy !req
149. and got my thigh.Copy !req
150. And our magic word was "Uncle."Copy !req
151. No one has ever said the word
"uncle" faster in their life.Copy !req
152. I was like, "Ah! Ah!
Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle!Copy !req
153. "That's real! It's real!
It's real, it's real!"Copy !req
154. - And then... you wanna know some...
- It's real!Copy !req
155. You wanna know
some really scary?Copy !req
156. That dude that owned the dog...
My man said,Copy !req
157. "Stop, stop, stop!
Nein!"Copy !req
158. - This dog said...
- That dog was like...Copy !req
159. That dog came up...Copy !req
160. I think that I'm the worst
Halo player in the world.Copy !req
161. You are
the worst Halo player.Copy !req
162. I'm the worst Halo player
in the world. I played with my brother.Copy !req
163. I realize I shouldn't have
brought that up.Copy !req
164. Remember when my brother
came over that one time?Copy !req
165. Yeah.Copy !req
166. We just spent 25 minutes just going,Copy !req
167. "Why don't you just go around
the backside of the cliff?Copy !req
168. "I can't find...
Just get out of my way then.Copy !req
169. "Well, how am I... There's a thing!
Don't shoot it! Shoot it!Copy !req
170. "Oh! I'm off the cliff!"Copy !req
171. You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I...Copy !req
172. - You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.Copy !req
173. Just two grown men who just
reverted to eight-year-olds.Copy !req
174. So you can say
as much as you want.Copy !req
175. But you can't say
the name of the celebrityCopy !req
176. or any part of their name,
got it?Copy !req
177. - Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.Copy !req
178. - We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.Copy !req
179. Baby, you are going down.Copy !req
180. Why don't you start the timer
and be amazed?Copy !req
181. And... go.Copy !req
182. Okay, this guy...
"E" equals MC squared.Copy !req
183. - Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.Copy !req
184. What?
That's easy. Hello?Copy !req
185. Okay, this is the Terminator.Copy !req
186. - Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Yeah!Copy !req
187. Okay, we got... we got...Copy !req
188. Talking about, uh...
"Are you talking to me?"Copy !req
189. - Robert De Niro!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
190. All right.
All right.Copy !req
191. This person pretend to be
straight but he's really gay.Copy !req
192. Me!Copy !req
193. Uh, uh... he is, uh...Copy !req
194. Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.Copy !req
195. Me.Copy !req
196. - It's...
- No.Copy !req
197. - Okay.
- He's a, um...Copy !req
198. Latin pop star.Copy !req
199. I'm not a Latin pop star.Copy !req
200. No, you are not.
It's not you.Copy !req
201. "He bangs, he bangs."Copy !req
202. - Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.Copy !req
203. I wrote that one too.Copy !req
204. Tyrell about to come
out here right now.Copy !req
205. - 'sup, ladies?
- Watch this, watch this.Copy !req
206. Yo, Tyrell.Copy !req
207. Yo, what up, Lawrence?Copy !req
208. Hey, man, you wanna play
front hand, back hand?Copy !req
209. - I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.Copy !req
210. All you gotta do is say
"front hand" or "back hand."Copy !req
211. - Aight, front hand.
- Ugh!Copy !req
212. Bam! I got you, sucka!Copy !req
213. Oh, okay. Okay.
I see how it is now.Copy !req
214. Come on, man. Come on.
You know thatCopy !req
215. - Back hand.
- Huh?Copy !req
216. It's still my move, right?
I choose back hand this time.Copy !req
217. - Really?
- Back hand,Copy !req
218. Uh...Copy !req
219. Oh!Copy !req
220. - God damn!Copy !req
221. Look, Ty, I'm sorry,
but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean?Copy !req
222. I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.Copy !req
223. Front hand!Copy !req
224. What? No.
Why you wanna hit...Copy !req
225. I... got it!
I figured it out.Copy !req
226. Front hand!
No, back hand! Back hand!Copy !req
227. No, look, look.
Dude... Hey...Copy !req
228. If you want me to slap you
across the face back hand, I'll do it.Copy !req
229. Okay?
Don't think I won't do it.Copy !req
230. But you know that
I'm with you, right?Copy !req
231. I mean, there ain't no game
called "front hand, back hand."Copy !req
232. - Oh!
- Right. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
233. Oh, dog!
Yeah, I get it. I get it.Copy !req
234. All right,
all right, all right.Copy !req
235. As soon as I get good
at "front hand, back hand",Copy !req
236. you wanna stop playing.Copy !req
237. Play what, man?Copy !req
238. I made it up so I could
smack you in the face.Copy !req
239. I'm about to smack you
in the faceCopy !req
240. as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand!Copy !req
241. There ain't no turns,
,Copy !req
242. 'cause it ain't no game.Copy !req
243. You ain't got no game,Copy !req
244. Back hand!Copy !req
245. Aghh!Copy !req
246. Front hand.Copy !req
247. Look, I don't know
if you're with meCopy !req
248. at this point or what...Copy !req
249. but I don't wanna...
smack a no more.Copy !req
250. Where you going then?Copy !req
251. Okay, forfeit.Copy !req
252. Forfeit, I win!
I win front hand, back hand!Copy !req
253. Okay.
Me and you.Copy !req
254. , me and you.
Me and you.Copy !req
255. Hmm?
Back hand.Copy !req
256. Ah!Copy !req
257. Oh!Copy !req
258. This November,
you gotta get out and vote!Copy !req
259. It's all about democracy,
y'all.Copy !req
260. Your vote gets counted with
the rest of the votes in the countryCopy !req
261. and they get sent off
to the Electoral College.Copy !req
262. What's that?Copy !req
263. The Electoral College
are a bunch of officialsCopy !req
264. who do the voting for us.Copy !req
265. So in case we elect
the wrong person,Copy !req
266. they can fix that shiz!Copy !req
267. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.Copy !req
268. - Who the hell are these people?
- Well, no one knows for sure,Copy !req
269. But whoever they is, they the folks
who actually do the real votingCopy !req
270. after we do our
pretend voting.Copy !req
271. Yeah!Copy !req
272. - Power to the...
- Hold the on!Copy !req
273. You're telling me
our votes don't matter?Copy !req
274. Our votes are like
suggestions.Copy !req
275. So this November, we should...Copy !req
276. - Yeah!
- Dunk the vote!Copy !req
277. You know what I really hate?
When, uh...Copy !req
278. Girls be... it's usually
white girls to be honest.Copy !req
279. I don't mean to make it racial,
but it is. Sorry.Copy !req
280. White girls saying...
just dropping "awkward."Copy !req
281. "Awkward."Copy !req
282. Bitch, it wasn't awkward
till you said some.Copy !req
283. What... who are you
pointing at, sir?Copy !req
284. Oh, that's her?
She's doing the aw...Copy !req
285. - Did that happen yesterday?
- Same way.Copy !req
286. Same way.Copy !req
287. - And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.Copy !req
288. - Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.Copy !req
289. Oh, man. But she had to provide
a moment of clarity.Copy !req
290. She had to say...
"awkward."Copy !req
291. That is how black women do it,
with the little...Copy !req
292. - "Awkward."
- You ain't gon...Copy !req
293. I'm metaphorically
locking the car door on you.Copy !req
294. Bip.Copy !req
295. Tisket, tasket...
- This one back here.Copy !req
296. Green and yellow basket.Copy !req
297. - This is a limousine.Copy !req
298. Hello? Thanks for calling
Mario's Pizza.Copy !req
299. - This is carlos speaking.
- Allo.Copy !req
300. We would like a large pieCopy !req
301. with pepperoni, pineapple,
and cheesy crust.Copy !req
302. Large pepperoni
with pineapple and cheesy crust.Copy !req
303. - We would also like
a large pieCopy !req
304. with bacon, pineapple,
and... cheesy crust.Copy !req
305. Large bacon, pineapple,
with cheesy crust. Okay.Copy !req
306. Is that gonna complete
your order, sir?Copy !req
307. You know what?
Let me gauge the room.Copy !req
308. Uh, guys, are we gonna want
another pizza?Copy !req
309. Let me just... who's hungry?
Show of hands.Copy !req
310. Let me see 'em.
One, two, three...Copy !req
311. Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.Copy !req
312. - Ah, having a party. (chuckling)
- Yup. Pretty big one too.Copy !req
313. Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu?Copy !req
314. You know what,
let's play it safe.Copy !req
315. Let's get another pie
with ham, pineapple.Copy !req
316. All right, ham...Copy !req
317. Oh, are you guys gonna need
cheesy crust on the third?Copy !req
318. Good question.
I'll gauge the room.Copy !req
319. Hey, guys, do we want
cheesy crust on the third?Copy !req
320. Okay, yeesh.Copy !req
321. That is a resounding yesCopy !req
322. for cheesy crust on the third.Copy !req
323. Claire says you read her mind.Copy !req
324. Claire, huh?
I like that name.Copy !req
325. It's a good one.Copy !req
326. Oh, also, my boy Andy over hereCopy !req
327. is saying you have something
called chicken poppers.Copy !req
328. - Is she cute?
- Uh, who's that and what now?Copy !req
329. - Claire.
- Oh.Copy !req
330. Her body's like a four.Copy !req
331. Ha, let's just say
she's kind of a big girl.Copy !req
332. That's all good.Copy !req
333. That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.Copy !req
334. - You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,Copy !req
335. I feel like
I do know Claire, man.Copy !req
336. Put me on the phone
with her.Copy !req
337. Uh...Copy !req
338. You don't need
to speak to Claire.Copy !req
339. No, I do.Copy !req
340. You know what,
I gotta level with you, man.Copy !req
341. I... her.Copy !req
342. Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
343. I didn't mean to get
in between you guys.Copy !req
344. No, it's quite all right.Copy !req
345. 'twas a while ago...Copy !req
346. Before she blimped up.Copy !req
347. My current girlfriend's Liv.Copy !req
348. Body, ten.
Face, ten.Copy !req
349. But anyway, Claire... Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.Copy !req
350. And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.Copy !req
351. Hell, even Bobba got
some of that.Copy !req
352. So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.Copy !req
353. So you wouldn't care
if I asked her out?Copy !req
354. Well...Copy !req
355. Let me do it for you.Copy !req
356. Hey, Claire, this guy from
the pizza place wants to date you.Copy !req
357. Too poor? All right,
I'll let him down easy.Copy !req
358. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.Copy !req
359. Tell her that, no,
I'm not a rich man.Copy !req
360. But I'm a good man.
Tell her,Copy !req
361. "Claire, I believe in destiny.Copy !req
362. "and I believe
that we've always knownCopy !req
363. "that our soul mate
was out there.Copy !req
364. "The moment that we had
that unspoken connectionCopy !req
365. "about the cheesy crust...Copy !req
366. "I realized that you were
always the one.Copy !req
367. "Because... and I know
this sounds corny...Copy !req
368. "but that moment...Copy !req
369. "was just like...Copy !req
370. "simple."Copy !req
371. Wow.Copy !req
372. You really do care
about Claire.Copy !req
373. I do.Copy !req
374. Oh, my God!
Claire just got shot!Copy !req
375. - What? No!
- Oh!Copy !req
376. Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.Copy !req
377. It hit her in the neck. Oh...Copy !req
378. Claire's down!
She's dead!Copy !req
379. She's dead! I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!Copy !req
380. Claire!
Noooo!Copy !req
381. Chinese it is.Copy !req
382. One thing that fascinates us
is that like any movieCopy !req
383. - like The Help or...
- Glory.Copy !req
384. We call 'em like
"white man's burden" movies,Copy !req
385. 'cause you know...Copy !req
386. White people go see
these movies,Copy !req
387. and then they come out
and they're like,Copy !req
388. "racism is alive!
Face it in the eyes!Copy !req
389. "Racism's still here
and I'm not taking it anymore!"Copy !req
390. Like I need to do a Def Jam
white guy voice, right?Copy !req
391. It's like Def Jam white guy
bordering on Jimmy Stewart.Copy !req
392. - Are you Ms. Tubman?
- The name's Harriet.Copy !req
393. Well, thank God in heavenCopy !req
394. for the work
that you're doing, Harriet.Copy !req
395. Before you thank me,
let me tell you.Copy !req
396. I've led hundreds of slaves
to freedomCopy !req
397. through this here
underground railroad.Copy !req
398. But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready?Copy !req
399. All right.Copy !req
400. Then hike up your breechesCopy !req
401. and follow me to freedom!Copy !req
402. Watch this, black molasses!Copy !req
403. Well, where is she now?Copy !req
404. That was the easy part.Copy !req
405. Now stay close.Copy !req
406. This next 500 miles
gets a little sticky.Copy !req
407. Ah!Copy !req
408. Forget this, man.
I'm going back.Copy !req
409. Thank you.Copy !req
410. Thank you so much, everybody.Copy !req
411. Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience...Copy !req
412. sexually, so...Copy !req
413. Good night!
Good night. Take care.Copy !req
414. Oh, yeah.Copy !req