1. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
2. With me, as always,
is my anger translator Luther.Copy !req
3. Boom, Mitt!Copy !req
4. I sunk your battleship, bitch!
What's up?Copy !req
5. To the American people, I just want
to say that the debates are overCopy !req
6. but now is not a time
to tally pointsCopy !req
7. or to, uh, keep the score.Copy !req
8. 2-1, Obama.Copy !req
9. Game, set, match,
touchdown, homerun, checkmate.Copy !req
10. Can we get back to work now?Copy !req
11. Governor Romney,
in the recent debate,Copy !req
12. I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs.Copy !req
13. Okay, Governor Rom... Listen,
I'm gonna tell you a little...Copy !req
14. Governor Romney,
why are you smilingCopy !req
15. while you're getting
your ass kicked?Copy !req
16. Are we debating, or are you trying
to sell me a Lexus?Copy !req
17. I directly questioned you
about your oppositionCopy !req
18. to the auto industry bailout.Copy !req
19. On behalf of all the people in Detroit
that want to stab you,Copy !req
20. I ask again,
why are you smiling?Copy !req
21. I asked you about
your stance on Syria,Copy !req
22. which you called
"Iran's route to the sea."Copy !req
23. Hey... Dummy... Look!Copy !req
24. Iran is on the sea.Copy !req
25. Syria's two god damn
countries this way.Copy !req
26. Bam...
which is a city in Iran.Copy !req
27. I even reminded you
that horses and bayonetsCopy !req
28. are not strategically valid
in modern warfare.Copy !req
29. So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smileCopy !req
30. off your sweaty, sweaty,
pasty-ass sweaty face.Copy !req
31. I mean, Mitt,
do you need a towel?Copy !req
32. Because your face is
straight up raining.Copy !req
33. I spoke about brinksmanship
with Iran,Copy !req
34. and you just said
you wanted a peaceful planet.Copy !req
35. I mean, who let
Wavy Gravy up in here?Copy !req
36. I'm sorry, Mitt.Copy !req
37. If you want to be the first
mormon hippie,Copy !req
38. you're gonna need to grow
your hair out, dog.Copy !req
39. And quit smiling!Copy !req
40. !
This got me...Copy !req
41. There were many times
where you even, uh,Copy !req
42. inexplicably agreed with me.Copy !req
43. Stop agreeing with me!Copy !req
44. Are you trying to body snatch me
and become meCopy !req
45. for the last two weeks
of the election?Copy !req
46. I mean, what's...
I'm sorry, time out.Copy !req
47. Sir, I'm, like,
legitimately concernedCopy !req
48. that he's like an insane,
rich, crazy person who's gonna...Copy !req
49. - Luther...
- Wait, okay, yeah.Copy !req
50. - Calm down now.
- Okay.Copy !req
51. I assure you,
Governor Romney's not insane.Copy !req
52. - Okay.
- Thank you.Copy !req
53. - No problem.
- In conclusion...Copy !req
54. I greatly appreciated our
exchange on foreign policy.Copy !req
55. But we all know the only
country that matters...Copy !req
56. is Ohio.Copy !req
57. You sweaty, smiley,Copy !req
58. never-gonna-be-president
looking mother.Copy !req
59. - What?
- Hey...Copy !req
60. Loosing up a little bit
over here.Copy !req
61. And it's just about
ing time.Copy !req
62. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
63. - Hello!
- Hi.Copy !req
64. Thank you.Copy !req
65. Thank you.Copy !req
66. Thank you for coming.Copy !req
67. Thank you so much.Copy !req
68. Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
69. - I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.Copy !req
70. - Thank you for coming.
- Key... and Peele.Copy !req
71. Thank you!Copy !req
72. So...Copy !req
73. The other day you and I
were talking aboutCopy !req
74. why there are no longer
rap groups.Copy !req
75. Rap groups.
Do you guys...Copy !req
76. Do you know
what happened to rap groups?Copy !req
77. There are rappers...
and there are collaborations.Copy !req
78. Right.Copy !req
79. - But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.Copy !req
80. Wu-Tang Clan... they had...Copy !req
81. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
82. - Right.
- These dudes...Copy !req
83. - They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.Copy !req
84. - With like katana blades,
- What's a katana blade?Copy !req
85. Dressed like Ninja Turtles.Copy !req
86. Or-or-or Public Enemy had...Copy !req
87. You know, like one rapper,
a crazy man with a clock,Copy !req
88. - and a security force.
- Yeah.Copy !req
89. Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.Copy !req
90. Yeah!Copy !req
91. These dudes... they were
the first band, I think in historyCopy !req
92. just to have a black woman
on stage going like that...Copy !req
93. - Right. Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.Copy !req
94. - There was just...
- There's no reason for it.Copy !req
95. That's right.Copy !req
96. And a little old man
in a rocking chair,Copy !req
97. just an old man
in a rocking chair.Copy !req
98. Brock Favors here,Copy !req
99. Filling again for Chad ArmstrongCopy !req
100. who is out sick today.Copy !req
101. We are here live
at the Metro Police DepartmentCopy !req
102. canine training facility,Copy !req
103. And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniquesCopy !req
104. used by the canine unit.Copy !req
105. Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will
be playing the assailant today.Copy !req
106. - Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.Copy !req
107. Now, Officer Hanson, I am
perfectly safe in this suit, right?Copy !req
108. Yeah, you're 100% safe.Copy !req
109. In fact, those are the suits
we use for officer training.Copy !req
110. All right!
Well, there you go.Copy !req
111. Well, kids, make sure
that you do not try this at homeCopy !req
112. with your chihuahuas.Copy !req
113. Ow! Ow! Ow!
!Copy !req
114. Get this off of me!
Get this off of me!Copy !req
115. Damn!
Get this off of me!Copy !req
116. !Copy !req
117. Oh, God damn!
Oh, God damn!Copy !req
118. Oh,
Whoo!Copy !req
119. Okie dokey.
I am sorry...Copy !req
120. that, uh, you all justCopy !req
121. heard me use that inappropriate
language that was very uncalled for.Copy !req
122. - When you panic like that...
- Yeah.Copy !req
123. He thinks you're more
of a threat than you are.Copy !req
124. Uh-huh.Copy !req
125. That's when he's gonna
bite down harder.Copy !req
126. Okay, well, I will...
make an effort this time to...Copy !req
127. really try and be
as calm as possibleCopy !req
128. even though it is
very difficult to be calmCopy !req
129. when you're in the lion's den.Copy !req
130. Or should I say the doggie den?
You know what I mean?Copy !req
131. Oh,Copy !req
132. Oh,
This dog is eating my junk!Copy !req
133. He's eating my junk!
No!Copy !req
134. Oh,
He's got my junk!Copy !req
135. Aghh! Oh, my God!
Get him off me!Copy !req
136. - That's, uh...
- You don't even know...Copy !req
137. Oh, boy.Copy !req
138. Until you've seen a dog go after
Keegan-Michael Key's testiclesCopy !req
139. Four takes in a row.Copy !req
140. And this...
I love you came into that day cocky.Copy !req
141. I couldn't wait. I was like,
"Let him go, let him do it!"Copy !req
142. - He's like,
"I got the suit on.Copy !req
143. - Oh, man.Copy !req
144. "He's not gonna be able
to penetrate."Copy !req
145. Well, this whole area
was protected seven-fold.Copy !req
146. So... I didn't feel anything
when the dog was there.Copy !req
147. It's when I fell on the ground...
And they said,Copy !req
148. "Let him go at it again while
Keegan's laying on the ground.Copy !req
149. "Let him get in there
and get the crotch."Copy !req
150. "Just get in there!"Copy !req
151. - And that dog came
right in here, went bip!Copy !req
152. And got my thigh.Copy !req
153. And our magic word was "Uncle."Copy !req
154. No one has ever said the word
"uncle" faster in their life.Copy !req
155. I was like, "Ah! Ah!
Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle!Copy !req
156. "That's real! It's real!
It's real, it's real!"Copy !req
157. - And then... you wanna know some...
- It's real!Copy !req
158. You wanna know
some really scary?Copy !req
159. That dude that owned the dog...
My man said,Copy !req
160. "Stop, stop, stop!
Nein!"Copy !req
161. - This dog said...
- That dog was like...Copy !req
162. That dog came up...Copy !req
163. I think that I'm the worst
Halo player in the world.Copy !req
164. You are
the worst Halo player.Copy !req
165. I'm the worst Halo player
in the world. I played with my brother.Copy !req
166. I realize I shouldn't have
brought that up.Copy !req
167. Remember when my brother
came over that one time?Copy !req
168. Yeah.Copy !req
169. We just spent 25 minutes just going,Copy !req
170. "Why don't you just go around
the backside of the cliff?Copy !req
171. "I can't find...
Just get out of my way then.Copy !req
172. "Well, how am I... There's a thing!
Don't shoot it! Shoot it!Copy !req
173. "Oh! I'm off the cliff!"Copy !req
174. You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I...Copy !req
175. - You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.Copy !req
176. Just two grown men who just
reverted to eight-year-olds.Copy !req
177. So you can say
as much as you want.Copy !req
178. But you can't say
the name of the celebrityCopy !req
179. or any part of their name,
got it?Copy !req
180. - Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.Copy !req
181. - We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.Copy !req
182. Baby, you are going down.Copy !req
183. Why don't you start the timer
and be amazed?Copy !req
184. And... go.Copy !req
185. Okay, this guy...
"E" equals MC squared.Copy !req
186. - Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.Copy !req
187. What?
That's easy. Hello?Copy !req
188. Okay, this is the Terminator.Copy !req
189. - Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Yeah!Copy !req
190. Okay, we got... we got...Copy !req
191. Talking about, uh...
"Are you talking to me?"Copy !req
192. - Robert De Niro!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
193. All right.
All right.Copy !req
194. This person pretend to be
straight but he's really gay.Copy !req
195. Me!Copy !req
196. Uh, uh... he is, uh...Copy !req
197. Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.Copy !req
198. Me.Copy !req
199. - It's...
- No.Copy !req
200. - Okay.
- He's a, um...Copy !req
201. Latin pop star.Copy !req
202. I'm not a Latin pop star.Copy !req
203. No, you are not.
It's not you.Copy !req
204. "He bangs, he bangs."Copy !req
205. - Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.Copy !req
206. I wrote that one too.Copy !req
207. Tyrell about to come
out here right now.Copy !req
208. - 'Sup, ladies?
- Watch this, watch this.Copy !req
209. Yo, Tyrell.Copy !req
210. Yo, what up, Lawrence?Copy !req
211. Hey, man, you wanna play
front hand, back hand?Copy !req
212. - I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.Copy !req
213. All you gotta do is say
"front hand" or "back hand."Copy !req
214. - Aight, front hand.
- Ugh!Copy !req
215. Bam! I got you, sucka!Copy !req
216. Oh, okay. Okay.
I see how it is now.Copy !req
217. Come on, man. Come on.
You know that was funny]Copy !req
218. - Back hand.
- Huh?Copy !req
219. It's still my move, right?
I choose back hand this time.Copy !req
220. - Really?
- Back hand,Copy !req
221. Uh...Copy !req
222. Oh!Copy !req
223. - God damn!Copy !req
224. Look, Ty, I'm sorry,
but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean?Copy !req
225. I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.Copy !req
226. Front hand!Copy !req
227. What? No.
Why you wanna hit...Copy !req
228. I... got it!
I figured it out.Copy !req
229. Front hand!
No, back hand! Back hand!Copy !req
230. No, look, look.
Dude... Hey...Copy !req
231. If you want me to slap you
across the face back hand, I'll do it.Copy !req
232. Okay?
Don't think I won't do it.Copy !req
233. But you know that
I'm with you, right?Copy !req
234. I mean, there ain't no game
called "front hand, back hand."Copy !req
235. - Oh!
- Right. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
236. Oh, dog!
Yeah, I get it. I get it.Copy !req
237. All right,
all right, all right.Copy !req
238. As soon as I get good
at "front hand, back hand",Copy !req
239. you wanna stop playing.Copy !req
240. Play what, man?Copy !req
241. I made it up so I could
smack you in the face.Copy !req
242. I'm about to smack you
in the faceCopy !req
243. as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand!Copy !req
244. There ain't no turns,
,Copy !req
245. 'cause it ain't no game.Copy !req
246. You ain't got no game,Copy !req
247. Back hand!Copy !req
248. Aghh!Copy !req
249. Front hand.Copy !req
250. Look, I don't know
if you're with meCopy !req
251. at this point or what...Copy !req
252. but I don't wanna...
smack a no more.Copy !req
253. Where you going then?Copy !req
254. Okay, forfeit.Copy !req
255. Forfeit, I win!
I win front hand, back hand!Copy !req
256. Okay.
Me and you.Copy !req
257. , me and you.
Me and you.Copy !req
258. Hmm?
Back hand.Copy !req
259. Ah!Copy !req
260. Oh!Copy !req
261. This November,
you gotta get out and vote!Copy !req
262. It's all about democracy,
y'all.Copy !req
263. Your vote gets counted with
the rest of the votes in the countryCopy !req
264. and they get sent off
to the Electoral College.Copy !req
265. What's that?Copy !req
266. The Electoral College
are a bunch of officialsCopy !req
267. who do the voting for us.Copy !req
268. So in case we elect
the wrong person,Copy !req
269. they can fix that shiz!Copy !req
270. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.Copy !req
271. - Who the hell are these people?
- Well, no one knows for sure,Copy !req
272. But whoever they is, they the folks
who actually do the real votingCopy !req
273. after we do our
pretend voting.Copy !req
274. Yeah!Copy !req
275. - Power to the...
- Hold the on!Copy !req
276. You're telling me
our votes don't matter?Copy !req
277. Our votes are like
suggestions.Copy !req
278. So this November, we should...Copy !req
279. - Yeah!
- Dunk the vote!Copy !req
280. You know what I really hate?
When, uh...Copy !req
281. Girls be... it's usually
white girls to be honest.Copy !req
282. I don't mean to make it racial,
but it is. Sorry.Copy !req
283. White girls saying...
just dropping "awkward."Copy !req
284. "Awkward."Copy !req
285. Bitch, it wasn't awkward
till you said some.Copy !req
286. What... who are you
pointing at, sir?Copy !req
287. Oh, that's her?
She's doing the aw...Copy !req
288. - Did that happen yesterday?
- Same way.Copy !req
289. Same way.Copy !req
290. - And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.Copy !req
291. - Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.Copy !req
292. Oh, man. But she had to provide
a moment of clarity.Copy !req
293. She had to say...
"awkward."Copy !req
294. That is how black women do it,
with the little...Copy !req
295. - "Awkward."
- You ain't gon...Copy !req
296. I'm metaphorically
locking the car door on you.Copy !req
297. Bip.Copy !req
298. Tisket, tasket...
- This one back here.Copy !req
299. Green and yellow basket.Copy !req
300. - This is a limousine.Copy !req
301. Hello? Thanks for calling
Mario's Pizza.Copy !req
302. - This is Carlos speaking.
- Allo.Copy !req
303. We would like a large pieCopy !req
304. with pepperoni, pineapple,
and cheesy crust.Copy !req
305. Large pepperoni
with pineapple and cheesy crust.Copy !req
306. - We would also like
a large pieCopy !req
307. with bacon, pineapple,
and... cheesy crust.Copy !req
308. Large bacon, pineapple,
with cheesy crust. Okay.Copy !req
309. Is that gonna complete
your order, sir?Copy !req
310. You know what?
Let me gauge the room.Copy !req
311. Uh, guys, are we gonna want
another pizza?Copy !req
312. Let me just... who's hungry?
Show of hands.Copy !req
313. Let me see 'em.
One, two, three...Copy !req
314. Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.Copy !req
315. - Ah, having a party.
- Yup. Pretty big one too.Copy !req
316. Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu?Copy !req
317. You know what,
let's play it safe.Copy !req
318. Let's get another pie
with ham, pineapple.Copy !req
319. All right, ham...Copy !req
320. Oh, are you guys gonna need
cheesy crust on the third?Copy !req
321. Good question.
I'll gauge the room.Copy !req
322. Hey, guys, do we want
cheesy crust on the third?Copy !req
323. Okay, yeesh.Copy !req
324. That is a resounding yesCopy !req
325. for cheesy crust on the third.Copy !req
326. Claire says you read her mind.Copy !req
327. Claire, huh?
I like that name.Copy !req
328. It's a good one.Copy !req
329. Oh, also, my boy Andy over hereCopy !req
330. is saying you have something
called chicken poppers.Copy !req
331. - Is she cute?
- Uh, who's that and what now?Copy !req
332. - Claire.
- Oh.Copy !req
333. Her body's like a four.Copy !req
334. - Anyway, we would also—
- H-H-How do you mean?Copy !req
335. Ha, let's just say
she's kind of a big girl.Copy !req
336. That's all good.Copy !req
337. That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.Copy !req
338. - You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,Copy !req
339. I feel like
I do know Claire, man.Copy !req
340. Put me on the phone
with her.Copy !req
341. Uh...Copy !req
342. You don't need
to speak to Claire.Copy !req
343. No, I do.Copy !req
344. You know what,
I gotta level with you, man.Copy !req
345. I... her.Copy !req
346. Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
347. I didn't mean to get
in between you guys.Copy !req
348. No, it's quite all right.Copy !req
349. 'Twas a while ago...Copy !req
350. Before she blimped up.Copy !req
351. My current girlfriend's Liv.Copy !req
352. Body, ten.
Face, ten.Copy !req
353. But anyway, Claire... Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.Copy !req
354. And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.Copy !req
355. Hell, even Bobba got
some of that.Copy !req
356. So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.Copy !req
357. So you wouldn't care
if I asked her out?Copy !req
358. Well...Copy !req
359. Let me do it for you.Copy !req
360. Hey, Claire, this guy from
the pizza place wants to date you.Copy !req
361. Too poor? All right,
I'll let him down easy.Copy !req
362. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.Copy !req
363. Tell her that, no,
I'm not a rich man.Copy !req
364. But I'm a good man.
Tell her,Copy !req
365. "Claire, I believe in destiny.Copy !req
366. "And I believe
that we've always knownCopy !req
367. "that our soul mate
was out there.Copy !req
368. "The moment that we had
that unspoken connectionCopy !req
369. "about the cheesy crust...Copy !req
370. "I realized that you were
always the one.Copy !req
371. "Because... and I know
this sounds corny...Copy !req
372. "but that moment...Copy !req
373. "was just like...Copy !req
374. "simple."Copy !req
375. Wow.Copy !req
376. You really do care
about Claire.Copy !req
377. I do.Copy !req
378. Oh, my God!
Claire just got shot!Copy !req
379. - What? No!
- Oh!Copy !req
380. Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.Copy !req
381. It hit her in the neck. Oh...Copy !req
382. Claire's down!
She's dead!Copy !req
383. She's dead! I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!Copy !req
384. Claire!
Noooo!Copy !req
385. Chinese it is.Copy !req
386. One thing that fascinates us
is that like any movieCopy !req
387. - like The Help or...
- Glory.Copy !req
388. We call 'em like
"white man's burden" movies,Copy !req
389. 'cause you know...Copy !req
390. White people go see
these movies,Copy !req
391. and then they come out
and they're like,Copy !req
392. "racism is alive!
Face it in the eyes!Copy !req
393. "Racism's still here
and I'm not taking it anymore!"Copy !req
394. Like I need to do a Def Jam
white guy voice, right?Copy !req
395. It's like Def Jam white guy
bordering on Jimmy Stewart.Copy !req
396. - Are you Ms. Tubman?
- The name's Harriet.Copy !req
397. Well, thank God in heavenCopy !req
398. for the work
that you're doing, Harriet.Copy !req
399. Before you thank me,
let me tell you.Copy !req
400. I've led hundreds of slaves
to freedomCopy !req
401. through this here
underground railroad.Copy !req
402. But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready?Copy !req
403. All right.Copy !req
404. Then hike up your breechesCopy !req
405. and follow me to freedom!Copy !req
406. Watch this, black molasses!Copy !req
407. Well, where is she now?Copy !req
408. That was the easy part.Copy !req
409. Now stay close.Copy !req
410. This next 500 miles
gets a little sticky.Copy !req
411. Ah!Copy !req
412. Forget this, man.
I'm going back.Copy !req
413. Thank you.Copy !req
414. Thank you so much, everybody.Copy !req
415. Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience...Copy !req
416. sexually, so...Copy !req
417. Good night!
Good night. Take care.Copy !req
418. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
419. True story: I actuallyCopy !req
420. convinced some kids I was african once.Copy !req
421. Just because, I was so bad at basketball,Copy !req
422. I knew they'd bought "I nevew
played the game befowe in my life".Copy !req
423. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req