1. Sync & correction by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
2. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
3. "Titties in my mouth.
I've got titties in my mouth.Copy !req
4. "I've got tig ol' bitties
From a bunch of different cities."Copy !req
5. - Thank you.
- All right, that's enough.Copy !req
6. That's sheer poetry.
Sheer poetry.Copy !req
7. - What's up guys?
- Hey, you guys.Copy !req
8. - I'm Jordan Peele.
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
9. - This is Key and Peele.
- Thank you.Copy !req
10. So, we are fans of action...
What's you favorite action...Copy !req
11. - Who's your favorite action star?
- My favorite action star is Tony Jaa.Copy !req
12. - Tony Jaa.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.Copy !req
13. - You know this guy?
- He's from Thailand,Copy !req
14. and he's a dynamo, he's a firecracker.
He's always like, "Yaa!"Copy !req
15. I love all the Asian and black people
were, like, "Yeah, Tony Jaa."Copy !req
16. I like that you're bringing
that muay Thai out.Copy !req
17. Oh, muay Thai,
that's what he uses.Copy !req
18. - That's my jam right there.
- Do you like muay Thai?Copy !req
19. - Do you like muay Thai?
- Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip.Copy !req
20. - No, I've been learning?
- You're learning?Copy !req
21. I've been practicing
some of my techniques.Copy !req
22. Oh, have you been studying
muay Thai from a muay Thai master?Copy !req
23. You've been studying muay Thai
from a muay Thai master?Copy !req
24. On TV, yes. On TV.
They're on television.Copy !req
25. You can study them yourself.Copy !req
26. MMA.Copy !req
27. Are you studying...
What is this?Copy !req
28. - Sorry?
- Is that muay Thai chi?Copy !req
29. I mean, right there? What is...?Copy !req
30. But this is... this is
good martial artsCopy !req
31. if you're in the slo-mo section
of the film.Copy !req
32. Mmm-taka-taka-taka-taka.
Tang-taka-taka-taka-taka.Copy !req
33. Taka-taka-taka-taka
taka-taka-taka-taka.Copy !req
34. I've still got him,
I don't know what happened there.Copy !req
35. Okay, watch this, everybody.Copy !req
36. I was wondering
when I would come in hereCopy !req
37. to find you
sitting in that chair.Copy !req
38. It wasn't easy
tracking you down, Decker.Copy !req
39. Wasn't supposed to be.Copy !req
40. I know you've retired,
but...Copy !req
41. That's all behind me now,
General.Copy !req
42. I'm not the man you knew
during the Cold War.Copy !req
43. I understand.Copy !req
44. We're now facing a threat unlike
any we've ever faced before.Copy !req
45. - A man with your expertise...
- I made a vow.Copy !req
46. Never to kill another
human being.Copy !req
47. Sorry, General,Copy !req
48. gotta have to find
someone else.Copy !req
49. Oh...Copy !req
50. No, we hmm...
we weren't thinking you'd do it.Copy !req
51. We were...
just hopingCopy !req
52. you cold recommend
someone for the job.Copy !req
53. I guess I could come out
of retirement.Copy !req
54. No. No need.
Just a recommendation will do.Copy !req
55. All right.Copy !req
56. I'll do it.Copy !req
57. You know, you're just
not what we're looking for.Copy !req
58. You sly son of a bitch.Copy !req
59. You always knew how
to push my buttons.Copy !req
60. - I'm in.
- Not you, Decker!Copy !req
61. I'm sharp as I ever was.Copy !req
62. Even faster too.
Grab my hand.Copy !req
63. Nope.Copy !req
64. Wait till I count
to three first.Copy !req
65. One.Copy !req
66. Two.Copy !req
67. Three.Copy !req
68. Okay.Copy !req
69. I want you to try
and slap me in the face.Copy !req
70. Unh! Wasn't ready for that.Copy !req
71. Try again.Copy !req
72. - Unh! 'kay, you know what?
- You know what?Copy !req
73. Didn't have my adrenaline up.Copy !req
74. 'Cause this is not an actual
high-stakes situation.Copy !req
75. All right.Copy !req
76. Draw your weapon.Copy !req
77. And... disarmed.Copy !req
78. You're getting pretty quick.
And... disarmed. Okay.Copy !req
79. I don't need to take
your weapon.Copy !req
80. You know what?
Shoot me.Copy !req
81. I am not going to shoot you.Copy !req
82. - Wing me in the shoulder.
- This is ridiculous!Copy !req
83. Try, General,
see what happens.Copy !req
84. Deflected... Ooww!Copy !req
85. - Okay. I made a mistake coming here.
- Wing me in the other shoulder.Copy !req
86. - I'd rather not.
- I insist.Copy !req
87. Deflected... Aaahh!Copy !req
88. That was because
my other arm was already injured.Copy !req
89. - Okay. I'm leaving.
- All right.Copy !req
90. - All or nothing. Gut shot.
- No!Copy !req
91. Gut shot!
Come on!Copy !req
92. If you can shoot me in the gut,
I'll concede.Copy !req
93. - Decker, you have two wounded arms.
- Gut shot! Go!Copy !req
94. Got it.Copy !req
95. You... you caught the bullet?Copy !req
96. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
97. So, you're telling me
that the bulletCopy !req
98. is in-between your hands
right now?Copy !req
99. That's what I'm telling you...Copy !req
100. Is that all you got?Copy !req
101. Come on. Head shot.Copy !req
102. Head shot.
Let's go.Copy !req
103. I'm ready. I wasn't...
Wait one sec. Though.Copy !req
104. Okay, I just want people to be
straight with us and just admit...Copy !req
105. Who here has tormented
a substitute teacher?Copy !req
106. I don't understand why.Copy !req
107. I don't believe the people who are
raising their hands, by the way.Copy !req
108. - Right.
- They seem way too polite.Copy !req
109. I don't understand why. But why?
I've never understood why.Copy !req
110. I always tried to be polite
to the substitute teacher.Copy !req
111. Everybody had that kid
in school that was, like,Copy !req
112. - a real...
- a real rapscallion.Copy !req
113. - A rapscallion. A scallywag.
- Yeah. A jackanape.Copy !req
114. - Yeah.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
115. I was the kid that was just
doodling in the corner.Copy !req
116. "What's up?"
You know, that was me.Copy !req
117. But I had...
I know you had one.Copy !req
118. I had this kid who,
if a substitute teacher came,Copy !req
119. my man would be surfing
on the desk.Copy !req
120. No joke. My man would get up,
talking about...Copy !req
121. Looking him in the eye.Copy !req
122. Joey. Get off... Joey.Copy !req
123. Joey, get off the desk. Joey.Copy !req
124. Joey, get off the desk.Copy !req
125. I'm telling you now
to get off the desk, Joey.Copy !req
126. Get off. Unbelievable.
Don't do that. Don't do that.Copy !req
127. - Probably in jail now.
Right.Copy !req
128. All right, listen up, y'all.Copy !req
129. I'm y'all's substitute teacher,
Mr. Garvey.Copy !req
130. I taught school for 20 years
in the inner city,Copy !req
131. so don't even think
about messing with me.Copy !req
132. - Y'all feel me?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
133. Okay. Let's take roll here.Copy !req
134. Jay Quellin.Copy !req
135. Where's Jay Quellin at?Copy !req
136. No Jay Quellin here?Copy !req
137. Yeah.Copy !req
138. Uh, do you mean "Jacqueline"?Copy !req
139. Okay. So that's how it's gonna be.Copy !req
140. Y'all wanna play.
Okay, then.Copy !req
141. I got my eyes on you,
Jay Quellin.Copy !req
142. Balakay.Copy !req
143. Where is Balakay at?Copy !req
144. There's no Balakay
here today?Copy !req
145. - Yes, sir.
- My name is Blake.Copy !req
146. Bl...
Are you out of your goddamn mind?Copy !req
147. "Blake"!
What?Copy !req
148. - Do you wanna go to war, Balakey?
- No.Copy !req
149. - 'Cause we could go to war.
- No.Copy !req
150. I'm for real.
I'm for real.Copy !req
151. So you better check yourself.Copy !req
152. Dee-nice.Copy !req
153. Is there a Dee-Nice?Copy !req
154. If one of y'all says
some silly-ass name...Copy !req
155. This whole class
is gonna feel my wrath.Copy !req
156. - Now, Dee-Nice.
- Do you mean "Denise"?Copy !req
157. - You say your name right, right now.
- Denise?Copy !req
158. - You say it right.
- Denise.Copy !req
159. - Correctly.
- Denise.Copy !req
160. - Right.
- Denise.Copy !req
161. - Right.
- Dee-Nice?Copy !req
162. That's better.
Thank you.Copy !req
163. Now, A.A. Ron.Copy !req
164. Where are you?Copy !req
165. Where is A.A. Ron right now?Copy !req
166. No A. A. Ron, huh?Copy !req
167. Well, you better be sick,
dead or mute,Copy !req
168. - A.A. Ron.
- Here! Oh, man.Copy !req
169. Why didn't you answer me
the first time I said it, huh?Copy !req
170. Huh?Copy !req
171. You know, I'm just asking you.
I said it, like, four times.Copy !req
172. So, why didn't you say it
the first time I said, "A.A. Ron"?Copy !req
173. Because it's pronounced
"Aaron".Copy !req
174. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
175. You done messed up, A.A. Ron!Copy !req
176. Now take your ass on down
to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office,Copy !req
177. right now, and tell him exactly
what you did!Copy !req
178. - Who?
- Oh-Shag-Henessy!Copy !req
179. Principal O'Shaughnessy?Copy !req
180. Get out of my goddamn classroom
before I break my foot off in your ass!Copy !req
181. Insubordinate...Copy !req
182. and churlish.Copy !req
183. Tym-Oh-Thee.Copy !req
184. - Present.
- Thank you.Copy !req
185. To the man of the hour.Copy !req
186. Guys...
Best bachelor party ever!Copy !req
187. - Mm!
- Mm! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
188. - Whoo!
- Yeah! That's the stuff.Copy !req
189. - I can still do it.
- All right, fellas!Copy !req
190. What do you say...
we get a stripper?Copy !req
191. - Yeah!
- All right!Copy !req
192. Trey, I told you man,
no strippers.Copy !req
193. Aw, is this a bachelor party
or isn't it?Copy !req
194. - Yeah!
- That's right!Copy !req
195. I'm your best man, there's no way
I'm gonna let you puss outCopy !req
196. on your own bachelor party.Copy !req
197. We're getting the strippers and
we're gonna connect the dots.Copy !req
198. - Yes!
- Connect the dots? What?Copy !req
199. Yeah...
Tinkertoy it, man.Copy !req
200. We're all behind herCopy !req
201. and then we all,
bup-bup-bup-bup. We go to town!Copy !req
202. - Yeah!
- We go to town!Copy !req
203. Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
What's "bup-bup-bup-bup"?Copy !req
204. Dude. You know. You're upfront,
thenCopy !req
205. bup-bup-bup-bup!
Game on!Copy !req
206. No. Hold up, hold up,
hold up. No.Copy !req
207. - What's the "bup-bup-bup-bup"?
- Yeah, yeah, what is that?Copy !req
208. Guys!Copy !req
209. This is Tommy's last night
of freedom!Copy !req
210. - Come on!
- What's "bup-bup-bup-bup", though?Copy !req
211. You know...
Bup-bup-bup-bup.Copy !req
212. Okay, okay, okay, when you say
"bup-bup-bup-bup",Copy !req
213. - are we... what are we... are we all...
- Linked up!Copy !req
214. Yeah! Baby elephant walk.
Whoo!Copy !req
215. Okay, okay, okay, um...Copy !req
216. Are you sayingCopy !req
217. that we would all
be ing each other?Copy !req
218. You don't understand
what I'm sayi...Copy !req
219. Oh, dude! Okay. Look.
Here it is, okay?Copy !req
220. - You're ing the girl, right?
- Right.Copy !req
221. Yeah.Copy !req
222. Then, we bup-bup-bup-bup!Copy !req
223. That's it! Right there! Right there!Copy !req
224. Yeah, what the?
I'm not doing that.Copy !req
225. You guys!Copy !req
226. Tommy's about to walk
the plank of marriage, all right?Copy !req
227. This is our last chance.Copy !req
228. Last chance for what?
I'm not gonna a guy.Copy !req
229. No! Dude, we'd all
be ing the girl.Copy !req
230. - Oh, okay!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
231. Together,
bup-bup-bup, bup.Copy !req
232. - No!
- No!Copy !req
233. See, but right there, Trey.
That's the weird part!Copy !req
234. - The "bup-bup-bup-bup".
- Okay, I get it. I get it.Copy !req
235. You don't want to be disrespectful
to women. I get that.Copy !req
236. - That's not really the issue.
- Okay, forget the girl.Copy !req
237. Armenian conveyer belt: just the groom
and his groomsmen, bup-bup-bup-bup.Copy !req
238. - No!
- No!Copy !req
239. You kept the part that noboby wants!
The bup-bup-bup-bup!Copy !req
240. Yeah, I definitely don't want
to have sex with any of you guys!Copy !req
241. - Yeah, you're killing my buzz.
- Guys! What the, man!Copy !req
242. This is supposed to be Tommy's last
big celebration. No judgment.Copy !req
243. Judgment is not what is keeping us
from ing each other!Copy !req
244. Jeez! Forget it, Trey!Copy !req
245. No! I'm saying, guys,
if you listen to my words,Copy !req
246. Tommy's in here ing
the stripper. We're in the other room.Copy !req
247. - Bup-bup-bup-bup.
- No!Copy !req
248. No "bup-bup-bup-bup"!
Nobody wants the "bup-bup-bup-bup"!Copy !req
249. Well, that's all right. No bup-bup-bup-
bup, okay? No bup-bup-bup-bup.Copy !req
250. You're here ing the stripper,
the rest of us are justCopy !req
251. - jiggy-jiggy-jiggy-jiggy...
- No!Copy !req
252. - Aah! No!
- No!Copy !req
253. Oh, my God!
You guys are so gay!Copy !req
254. How do you think you would fare
if you went into the penal system?Copy !req
255. The penile system?Copy !req
256. I think if I went through
the penile system,Copy !req
257. I think the penile system
would go through me.Copy !req
258. Lewis Lawrence is beginning
his life sentence.Copy !req
259. In order to survive,
he must join a gang.Copy !req
260. Do you understand?
I know how it work, right?Copy !req
261. When you're in prison,
what you need is protection, right?Copy !req
262. And the way to do that
is by getting into a gang.Copy !req
263. I was surprised to find out that
there is a bald gang in prison.Copy !req
264. They're gonna be my homies.
Talking about some B.B.W.W.Copy !req
265. "Bald brothers, what-what?"Copy !req
266. What's up, homie?
Nice haircut.Copy !req
267. Get the outta here.Copy !req
268. I mean they haven't officially
asked me to be in the gang yet,Copy !req
269. 'cause you need to earn
they respect first.Copy !req
270. Hey!Copy !req
271. You're in the wrong neighborhood,
you black motherer.Copy !req
272. Aah!Copy !req
273. Step off my homies, motherer,
or I'll you up!Copy !req
274. What's up! What's up!
You know what I'm talkin' about!Copy !req
275. Aah! Unh! Aah!Copy !req
276. So that was it right there, okay?
That's what they call a "jump in."Copy !req
277. That's the initiation process.Copy !req
278. So, it's my understanding
that I'm now a memberCopy !req
279. of the Bald Brotherhood gang,
okay?Copy !req
280. I mean, those motherers
beat the out of me.Copy !req
281. That's a euphemism
you hear all the time.Copy !req
282. But you don't know if it's true,
it can't be true. How is it possible?Copy !req
283. But that motherer, bip!
And diarrhea just went "Pssh"!Copy !req
284. right out my ass!Copy !req
285. So I hope... like, I hope that's,
like, lifetime dues right there.Copy !req
286. What the...?Copy !req
287. It's the happiest day of my life
is what I'm saying.Copy !req
288. Despite the lack
of encouragement,Copy !req
289. Lewis continues to try and ingratiate
himself to the gang.Copy !req
290. What? This long-haired bitch?Copy !req
291. Yeah! That's what I'm talking
about, hero!Copy !req
292. Trying to creep up on
my bald brothers, bitch!Copy !req
293. I oughta kick you again.
What? What?Copy !req
294. Aah! Oh! Aah!Copy !req
295. Hey, you all right, man? You all right?
Come on, get up, get up.Copy !req
296. We got you, son. We got you, son.Copy !req
297. What? Man, get your hands off me,
you hair-having motherer!Copy !req
298. Aah! Aah! Man, get down there.
Unh! Unh!Copy !req
299. - Aah! Aah!
- Whoa! Unh!Copy !req
300. I mean, I thinkCopy !req
301. I accidentally got hit
by some of my bald brothers.Copy !req
302. Guards!Copy !req
303. That's right!
Bald brotherhood forever, man!Copy !req
304. 'Sup!Copy !req
305. But you know,
that's prison, man.Copy !req
306. I mean, you don't never know
what side it's coming from.Copy !req
307. Lewis has yet to make
any alliances.Copy !req
308. Meanwhile, an unprecedented
peace has been brokeredCopy !req
309. between black and white
prison gangs.Copy !req
310. The once unsurmountable
racial divideCopy !req
311. now bridged
by a mutual hatred...Copy !req
312. for Lewis.Copy !req
313. Dude!Copy !req
314. Hey, you going to Ray's party?Copy !req
315. Yeah, I'm going.Copy !req
316. - You know Amy's gonna be there.
- Yeah, I know.Copy !req
317. Things have been real good with her,
man. Tonight could be the night.Copy !req
318. - Could be.
- Dude, are you okay?Copy !req
319. Not really, dude.Copy !req
320. What's wrong? You get the hottest
girl at a party with no parents.Copy !req
321. You're definitely gonna hit
that for sure tonight, man.Copy !req
322. - You're gonna lose that V. for good.
- My penis is white.Copy !req
323. - Excuse me?
- I have a white penis.Copy !req
324. What? But you're black.Copy !req
325. Nuh-uh. I'm bi-racial.Copy !req
326. All the white went straight
to my penis.Copy !req
327. That... what... what...
you mean, like, the color?Copy !req
328. - Oh...
- Yeah.Copy !req
329. But wait, dude...
I mean...Copy !req
330. - how bad could it be?
- It's bad.Copy !req
331. - How bad?
- It's like a Snickers.Copy !req
332. - Regular or fun size?
- Which one do you get at Halloween?Copy !req
333. - Fun size.
- That's the one.Copy !req
334. - I know.Copy !req
335. What am I gonna do?
I mean, I...Copy !req
336. How am I gonna hit it with Amy
with my little white penis.Copy !req
337. Everyone's gonna find out and
I'm never gonna hear the end of it.Copy !req
338. Dude, dude, dude. Amy's white.
She's not gonna care.Copy !req
339. - Really?
- Yeah. She's white.Copy !req
340. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
341. I guess you're right. She's probably
not even gonna know the difference.Copy !req
342. Nah, man. White girl, white penis.
You're all good.Copy !req
343. Hey, there he is.
How'd it go last night?Copy !req
344. - Don't wanna talk about it.
- Well, what happened?Copy !req
345. Black vagina.Copy !req
346. Happy?Copy !req
347. I just gotta get this off...
My girl, right here,Copy !req
348. Your mouth was agape
after "black vagina".Copy !req
349. She was just like...Copy !req
350. It's just, like... I've only seen...
In my whole life, I've only seenCopy !req
351. Macaulay Culkin do that.
In my whole life.Copy !req
352. Serious, she was, like,
it was crazy.Copy !req
353. - All right, let's get outta here.
- Let's get outta here.Copy !req
354. You and I go to the bar,
couple of friends. And then, maybe...Copy !req
355. - Bup-bup.
- Let's just bup-bup-bup-bup.Copy !req
356. Yeah.Copy !req
357. Good night, everybody.Copy !req
358. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
359. You know this guy in commercialsCopy !req
360. with the white family
on the roadtripCopy !req
361. and they're singing Crazy Train
by Ozzy Osb?Copy !req
362. And there's just that one black kid...Copy !req
363. What's he doing there?Copy !req
364. I'll tell you what: you know,
somewhere,Copy !req
365. there's a black mom and dad
talking 'boutCopy !req
366. - Where is Tyrone?
- Where he at?Copy !req