1. Bro.Copy !req
2. What?Copy !req
3. Lock 'em.
Lock 'em.Copy !req
4. Yeah.
yeah, bro.Copy !req
5. - How awesome is this?
- It's cool.Copy !req
6. yeah, it is.Copy !req
7. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it.
Yeah.Copy !req
8. Dude... Synchronize.
Synchronize.Copy !req
9. Yeah, there it is.
Now we're doing it.Copy !req
10. Now we're doing it.
Now we're doing it.Copy !req
11. - It's... It's pretty awesome.
- Can you believe it?Copy !req
12. Can you just...?Copy !req
13. Yo. Yo. Right there, man.
Just give me five, man.Copy !req
14. Give me five, bro.Copy !req
15. Come on, that's.
Come on.Copy !req
16. Come on.Copy !req
17. - Oh, you're with me now.
- You know...Copy !req
18. - You are with me now.
- That's disturbing.Copy !req
19. Keep 'em locked.
Keep 'em locked.Copy !req
20. You ain't going nowhere, bro.Copy !req
21. - Mm-mm.
- Give it backCopy !req
22. Get your...
Get...Copy !req
23. Aah!
Oh!Copy !req
24. Dude! How we gonna break
the world recordCopy !req
25. if you can't keep it up?Copy !req
26. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
27. Lock it.Copy !req
28. Keep it locked.
Keep it locked.Copy !req
29. - Ew! Shame on you!
- Shame on you!Copy !req
30. - Shame on all of you!
- Shame on you!Copy !req
31. Thanks and welcome to the show
I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
32. - I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
33. So thank you for coming.Copy !req
34. I see race in just about...
in everything.Copy !req
35. - Mm-hm.
- Like, I just... I just do that.Copy !req
36. Like, if somebody asks,
"You want cream in your coffee?"Why?"Copy !req
37. - Yeah. Yeah.
- "Why, mother? Why would I?"Copy !req
38. You ever have a white dude
come up to you talking about,Copy !req
39. "Hey, man, dude, I know.Copy !req
40. "King Kong?
That is racist."Copy !req
41. - Have you had this?
- I've had that.Copy !req
42. Dude, I was like, "What?
Is it racist? I don't even think..."Copy !req
43. He's like, "Think about it, man.
It's a bunch of white dudesCopy !req
44. that go to an island,
all these aborigines..."Copy !req
45. - I'm like, "Okay."
- All right, I'm with you so far, yeah.Copy !req
46. "Then a big black gorilla comesCopy !req
47. "and starts around
with white girls in New York."Copy !req
48. "Whoa! What the?Copy !req
49. "That's your, man!
What?Copy !req
50. "You're racist, bitch!
What the..."Copy !req
51. Hey, all I know is it's good
having another brotherCopy !req
52. - move into the neighborhood.
- Hey man, it's good to have you over.Copy !req
53. And I think that
you will dig this.Copy !req
54. All right!Copy !req
55. - Hey!
- Huh?Copy !req
56. - Nice guitar collection.
- Oh, thanks, man.Copy !req
57. - Hey, you wanna hear something?
- Yeah, sure.Copy !req
58. All right, all right. All right,
let's get this started.Copy !req
59. Let's get this started.Copy !req
60. - Country music.
- Yeah, I grew up in Texas.Copy !req
61. - You know, so...
- All right.Copy !req
62. - Woo-hoo!
- Whoas.Copy !req
63. Pretty racist song.Copy !req
64. Racist?
Against who?Copy !req
65. - Black people.
- Black people? But I'm black.Copy !req
66. Well, "keeping the redheaded girl
away from the homiesCopy !req
67. - "on the wrong side of town"?
- "Homies"?Copy !req
68. Come on, brother.
There's all kinds of homies.Copy !req
69. You know, white homies,
Asian homies...Copy !req
70. No, homies are black.Copy !req
71. No, I think you're making them black.
I think that's your stuff.Copy !req
72. You hear the twang, and then
you assume that it's racist.Copy !req
73. But that's just what
country music is like.Copy !req
74. Hey, look, you're gonna love
this one. You'll like this one.Copy !req
75. All right.Copy !req
76. All right, wait. Hey!
Stop that. That's racist.Copy !req
77. What's what?
What is racist about it?Copy !req
78. "The only hood I love
is pointy and white"?Copy !req
79. - Yeah, man.
- That's talking about the Klan, man.Copy !req
80. The Ku Klux Klan?
Are you outside of your mind?Copy !req
81. That's traditional
country music imagery, man.Copy !req
82. Like a pick-up truck,
or sleeping under the stars,Copy !req
83. or your dog got killed,
or your wife left you. Same thing!Copy !req
84. I would have been fine
with any of those things.Copy !req
85. What is the difference between
those things and what is in the song?Copy !req
86. They're not racial.Copy !req
87. Hey, you know what? Can I just say
something, man. I'm just gonna be frank.Copy !req
88. You're getting a little, like,
Al Sharpton, like...Copy !req
89. - Oh, my...
- Farrakhan on me right now.Copy !req
90. Oh, my God.
Are you serious?Copy !req
91. Yo, dude, dude, please.
Hey, can I do one more?Copy !req
92. Let me just do one more, dog.Copy !req
93. I absolutely promise you
that this songCopy !req
94. is not racist,Copy !req
95. and it's impossible for you
to misinterpret it as such.Copy !req
96. Okay, it seems like you're about
to sing the most racist song so far.Copy !req
97. I'm not.Copy !req
98. Okay, I'm out.Copy !req
99. Come on, man. Hey!
Shoot.Copy !req
100. I'm over here trying
to sing about a tire swing.Copy !req
101. Gonna write off
an entire genre of music.Copy !req
102. Oh, damn.Copy !req
103. Now I see it.
Now I see it.Copy !req
104. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
105. With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.Copy !req
106. - Hi.
- Now, after the last debate,Copy !req
107. I was criticized for...
not showing enough emotion.Copy !req
108. I should've been on that stage!
Oh, my God! Mitt!Copy !req
109. If I was a Siberian tiger,
your ass would've been Roy!Copy !req
110. Str-r-aight up!Copy !req
111. I was faulted for a lack ofCopy !req
112. "pithy retorts"
or "zingers."Copy !req
113. But we can do better than that.Copy !req
114. Witty responses are not going
to resolve this nation's deficit.Copy !req
115. How you gonna fire
Sesame Street?Copy !req
116. One of these mother
already lives in a trash can! Zing!Copy !req
117. And a one-liner
is not going to solveCopy !req
118. the problems we have
with our tax code,Copy !req
119. which my opponent seems to have
entirely changed his position on.Copy !req
120. This mother
gets more reboots than Spider-Man!Copy !req
121. And boom, goes the dynamite.Copy !req
122. I look forward to a debate
based on substance,Copy !req
123. - not on zingers.
- I got a Mormon zinger!Copy !req
124. "Take my wives, please!"Copy !req
125. Ooh-ho-ho,
I said "wives."Copy !req
126. Thank you,
and good night.Copy !req
127. This message brought to you
by the letter "Suck my"Copy !req
128. and the number."Copy !req
129. Ohh!Copy !req
130. Snap, America.Copy !req
131. Snap, indeed.Copy !req
132. All right, he knows I won't get dogs
because it's basically like, it's likeCopy !req
133. - buying a new grandparent.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
134. You know, you have to... you gotta
feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks.Copy !req
135. They will look at you in the eyes
while they're pooping.Copy !req
136. - I'm with you.
- They drool, you know.Copy !req
137. All my dogs are shelter dogs
because purebread dogsCopy !req
138. are stupid.Copy !req
139. Yeah?Copy !req
140. When you mix them, you get a thing
that's commonly known as hybrid vigor.Copy !req
141. And what happens is
all the best qualities of both dogsCopy !req
142. go into the one dog.
Much like interracial people.Copy !req
143. Representing hybrid vigor.Copy !req
144. That should be our rap group
right there.Copy !req
145. We should be "Hybrid Vigor."Copy !req
146. Hybrid vigor
from a couple of hybrid.Copy !req
147. Let's get hard.Copy !req
148. - Hey, babe.
- Hi.Copy !req
149. Um, I made a really big decision
without consulting you.Copy !req
150. I went by a puppy rescue standCopy !req
151. on University Avenue.Copy !req
152. I had to. I had to.Copy !req
153. - You got us a dog?
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
154. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
155. So, honey, I've gotta
tell you something, okay?Copy !req
156. These rescue dogs have had
some tough situations.Copy !req
157. - Oh.
- And a lot of them take onCopy !req
158. the personality of their owners.Copy !req
159. This dog...Copy !req
160. was owned by rapper Ice-T.Copy !req
161. - All right, little buddy, come on out.
- Aww.Copy !req
162. Oh, hello,
my little darling. Oh!Copy !req
163. Man, you.
You, thuck my.Copy !req
164. Thith house ain't.Copy !req
165. Okay, buddy, take it easy.Copy !req
166. - A little testy.
- you,Copy !req
167. Nothin' ever been eathy
for me in my life.Copy !req
168. Now, hook me up
with a treat.Copy !req
169. - You want a treat, buddy?
- You want a treat?Copy !req
170. Is that what you want?
Here we go, sweetie. Here we go.Copy !req
171. Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass
treat right there.Copy !req
172. - Now give me the whole bag.
- Okay, one treat is enough.Copy !req
173. Bitch, was I talking to you?Copy !req
174. Give me the whole bag of treats
'cause I'm a treat killerCopy !req
175. and a motherhandful.Copy !req
176. - Somebody's grumpy today.
- Grumpy-wumpy.Copy !req
177. Lay my ass right up
on this comfortable-ass thofa.Copy !req
178. (laughs) I'm gonna sleep on this bitch
too, as a matter of fact.Copy !req
179. And you know what,
motherand bitch?Copy !req
180. - I'm gonna pith and up here too.
- No! Oh, no! No, no, no!Copy !req
181. you, man.
Raise your hand at me.Copy !req
182. Okay, um, I've got something
for you, little guy.Copy !req
183. Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You
wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh?Copy !req
184. - Get that ball.
- you!Copy !req
185. Both y'all condescending
motherCopy !req
186. I ain't your entertainment, bitch.
So you!Copy !req
187. - Oh!
- Get the door, okay?Copy !req
188. Well, hello. Who is this?Copy !req
189. Come on, Coco, don't worry
about these mother.Copy !req
190. That'th my bitch Coco.Copy !req
191. Oh, I forgot to tell y'all,
she's gonna be living here too.Copy !req
192. Wow, okay, you got
your little friend here.Copy !req
193. - Yeah...
- Yeah, well you can...Copy !req
194. She can play here
for a while, sure.Copy !req
195. - Puppy play date.
- Yeah.Copy !req
196. Play date?
We gonna have a date.Copy !req
197. That's what we gonna have,
bitch.Copy !req
198. Come here, bitch.
(sniffing)Copy !req
199. - Oh, are you...
- That's rightCopy !req
200. Oh, no, don't do that.Copy !req
201. - Yeah, that's my shih tzu.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
202. Get the out of here. It's about
to get graphic in this bitch!Copy !req
203. - Oh boy.
- How come you don't do that with me?Copy !req
204. - Honey, I told you.
- He does it.Copy !req
205. I just want to keep
this area clean.Copy !req
206. I'm sorry.
It was an involuntary reaction.Copy !req
207. We grew up in this area where...Copy !req
208. Okay, there was blaxploitation
in the '70s,Copy !req
209. and then when I was growing up
it got into this zone where,Copy !req
210. like, all of a sudden, the black guy
wasn't the cool guyCopy !req
211. - in the action movie anymore.
- Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
212. All of a sudden it was, like,
Mel Gibson was the cool one.Copy !req
213. Right.Copy !req
214. And Danny Glover had
to be like, you know...Copy !req
215. The fuddy-duddy family man,
like "Get away from my daughter."Copy !req
216. - Right.
- You know what I mean?Copy !req
217. Do you remember that Lethal Weapon?Copy !req
218. My man Mel Gibson
would come in on Danny GloverCopy !req
219. and my man would be standing
in the middle of the bathroomCopy !req
220. just embarrassing
all black people.Copy !req
221. That's right.Copy !req
222. Rodge, Rodge, what's going on?Copy !req
223. Stay there. Stay there.Copy !req
224. Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge.
What's going on?Copy !req
225. Riggs, there's a bombCopy !req
226. on my.Copy !req
227. Gmail is what I'm on now.
That's the uh...Copy !req
228. Okay, you get the most space
for attachments.Copy !req
229. - Anyway.
- Thank you.Copy !req
230. Feel free to hit me up
if you remember that numberCopy !req
231. I noticed you ain't
write that down.Copy !req
232. Damn, damn, damn.
That girl was fly, right?Copy !req
233. She all right.Copy !req
234. But did you see that Liam Neesons
movie with them wolves, though?Copy !req
235. The one with them big-assed
wolves and Liam Neesons in it?Copy !req
236. Man, Liam Neesons is my!Copy !req
237. Oh, Liam Neesons straight
jacked up them wolves, man.Copy !req
238. Man, he
them wolves up, man.Copy !req
239. - Yeah.
- Shoot, man.Copy !req
240. Hey, and don't get even get me
started on that oneCopy !req
241. where they took his daughter.Copy !req
242. Straight Tooken,
starring Liam Neesons!Copy !req
243. Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like,
"I have a certain set of skills."Copy !req
244. Man, don't
with Liam Neesons!Copy !req
245. No, don't even try and be Russian
around Liam Neesons.Copy !req
246. - He'll take your arm and...
- Put some fractures in it.Copy !req
247. They killing him, man.
And then...Copy !req
248. Oh, you see
the second one, though?Copy !req
249. In the second one,
the Russians come after him.Copy !req
250. And he them all up anyway.Copy !req
251. Tooken 2, starring
the incomparable Liam Neesons.Copy !req
252. - Mm-hm.
- That's my.Copy !req
253. - What about Darkman, though?
- No, uh.Copy !req
254. What about Liam Neesons
in some Darkman, though?Copy !req
255. - No, man. .
- What about Darkman?Copy !req
256. When Liam Neesons' face
was changing up, man?Copy !req
257. Homie was straight face-changing.Copy !req
258. Now that's just Liam Neesons
acting right there, man.Copy !req
259. Straight up, I kid you not.
Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons.Copy !req
260. Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like,
Neesons already need to have a statue.Copy !req
261. - Liam Neesons ain't got no...
- He ain't got no statue...Copy !req
262. He ain't got a statue.
He ain't got a statue.Copy !req
263. No, no, no.Copy !req
264. The Oscar goes to
Liam Neesons, Darkman.Copy !req
265. - face was changing.
- Mm-hm. Word!Copy !req
266. - How hard is that.
- It ain't hard. It's not hard at all.Copy !req
267. - Damn!
- It's stupid, man.Copy !req
268. Oh, oh! Battleship.Copy !req
269. Oooh!Copy !req
270. Bat-tle-ship.Copy !req
271. Oooh!Copy !req
272. - Battleship!
- Oooh! Whoo!Copy !req
273. Liam Neesons straight
killer a robot boat!Copy !req
274. Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit!Copy !req
275. Whoo!Copy !req
276. But do you know who I like
as much as Neesons, though?Copy !req
277. As much as Neesons?
Who?Copy !req
278. Bruce Willy.Copy !req
279. Bruce Willy is my!Copy !req
280. But what if they made a movie
with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy?Copy !req
281. - Neesons and Willy?
- Willy and Neesons.Copy !req
282. Harder, man. Harder!Copy !req
283. That would be...Copy !req
284. My sheeeeeeeee...Copy !req
285. - I don't know why.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
286. Why do we love
Liam Neeson so much?Copy !req
287. Yo, you know what you gotta...
Schindler's List, mother,Copy !req
288. Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you
what's off the hook, though, dog?Copy !req
289. Ethan Frome, that's
my jam right there.Copy !req
290. You ain't gone to the movies unless
you've seen Husbands and Wives.Copy !req
291. Woody Allen, mother.
Woody Allen.Copy !req
292. So, Steve Jobs.
this is like, the...Copy !req
293. We're right aroung the
year anniversary of his death.Copy !req
294. - Mm-hm.
- Pioneer. Technological pioneer.Copy !req
295. - Can we agree on that?
- Yes.Copy !req
296. Anybody lose their iPad?
You lost it?Copy !req
297. - I did.
- Where did you lose it?Copy !req
298. Oakland, California.Copy !req
299. - Oh, in Oakland.
- In Oakland. Okay.Copy !req
300. Oh, so you're never getting it
back then.Copy !req
301. That's out of the question.Copy !req
302. My friend, you didn't lose it.
Your ass got jacked, my friend.Copy !req
303. That's right.Copy !req
304. Mr. Cook, you're almost up.
Are you ready?Copy !req
305. - Good. I'm good.
- Okay.Copy !req
306. Really gonna need you
to stick to the script on this one.Copy !req
307. I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.Copy !req
308. Please stop comparing me
to Steve Jobs!Copy !req
309. No, but nobody's comparing you
to Steve Jobs, okay?Copy !req
310. We just want you
to focus on the products.Copy !req
311. And please stick to the script.
Okay.Copy !req
312. You're on in three...Copy !req
313. They're gonna forget they ever heard
the name "Steve Jobs".Copy !req
314. What up, Apple people?Copy !req
315. Yeah!Copy !req
316. Yeah!Copy !req
317. Well, now, the first thing
that I'm gonna doCopy !req
318. is T.O.T.S.Copy !req
319. "Throw Out
The Script."Copy !req
320. Now, I'm supposed
to come out hereCopy !req
321. and tell you about
some bullnew iPhone,Copy !req
322. pad, dick, pussy!Copy !req
323. You've seen it!Copy !req
324. Boring!Copy !req
325. Yes!
That's exactly it.Copy !req
326. Now, let's just say
this table right here...Copy !req
327. Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?Copy !req
328. Yeah!Copy !req
329. That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
330. And let's say
that thisCopy !req
331. is our competitor's
new smartphone.Copy !req
332. How about that?
Huh? What?Copy !req
333. I am a major donkey dick.Copy !req
334. Whoo! Right?Copy !req
335. - And let's say that this right here...
- Hey!Copy !req
336. this is one of our competitor'sCopy !req
337. new e-book reader, huh?Copy !req
338. What about that?
What? Uh-oh.Copy !req
339. Tut-tut.
Wook's wike wain!Copy !req
340. Haaaa!Copy !req
341. Whoo! Whoo!Copy !req
342. Yeah!Copy !req
343. All right!Copy !req
344. Yes!Copy !req
345. Who wants to see some of that
classified next-level? Huh?Copy !req
346. Did Steve ever show you
that classified?Copy !req
347. No, he didn't.Copy !req
348. You can't do that.
They haven't been tested yet.Copy !req
349. This device will allow you
to teleport anywhereCopy !req
350. on the planet.
Check this out!Copy !req
351. I am the Future!Copy !req
352. Whoo!Copy !req
353. Let's see Steve Jobs do that!Copy !req
354. - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.Copy !req
355. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
356. Here's a thing about dogs.Copy !req
357. They smell each other's crotchesCopy !req
358. to see what gender they are.Copy !req
359. Can you imagine a dude
walking into a barCopy !req
360. talking 'bout:
"Whassup, girl?"Copy !req
361. I was noticing you from across the...Copy !req
362. - Sorry.
- I'm a dude.Copy !req
363. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req