1. Bro.Copy !req
2. What?Copy !req
3. Lock 'em.
Lock 'em.Copy !req
4. Yeah.
yeah, bro.Copy !req
5. - How awesome is this?
- It's cool.Copy !req
6. yeah, it is.Copy !req
7. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it.
Yeah.Copy !req
8. Dude... Synchronize.
Synchronize.Copy !req
9. Yeah, there it is.
Now we're doing it.Copy !req
10. Now we're doing it.
Now we're doing it.Copy !req
11. - It's... It's pretty awesome.
- Can you believe it?Copy !req
12. Can you just...?Copy !req
13. Yo. Yo. Right there, man.
Just give me five, man.Copy !req
14. Give me five, bro.Copy !req
15. Come on, that's pussy.
Come on.Copy !req
16. Come on.Copy !req
17. - Oh, you're with me now.
- You know...Copy !req
18. - You are with me now.
- That's disturbing.Copy !req
19. Keep 'em locked.
Keep 'em locked.Copy !req
20. You ain't going nowhere, bro.Copy !req
21. - Mm-mm.
- Give it backCopy !req
22. Get your...
Get...Copy !req
23. Aah!
Oh!Copy !req
24. Dude! How we gonna break
the world recordCopy !req
25. if you can't keep it up?Copy !req
26. Sync & correction by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
27. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
28. Lock it.Copy !req
29. Keep it locked.
Keep it locked.Copy !req
30. - Ew! Shame on you!
- Shame on you!Copy !req
31. - Shame on all of you!
- Shame on you!Copy !req
32. Thanks and welcome to the show
I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
33. - I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
34. So thank you for coming.Copy !req
35. I see race in just about...
in everything.Copy !req
36. - Mm-hm.
- Like, I just... I just do that.Copy !req
37. Like, if somebody asks,
"You want cream in your coffee?"Why?"Copy !req
38. - Yeah. Yeah.
- "Why, mother? Why would I?"Copy !req
39. You ever have a white dude
come up to you talking about,Copy !req
40. "Hey, man, dude, I know.Copy !req
41. "King Kong?
That is racist."Copy !req
42. - Have you had this?
- I've had that.Copy !req
43. Dude, I was like, "What?
Is it racist? I don't even think..."Copy !req
44. He's like, "Think about it, man.
It's a bunch of white dudesCopy !req
45. that go to an island,
all these aborigines..."Copy !req
46. - I'm like, "Okay."
- All right, I'm with you so far, yeah.Copy !req
47. "Then a big black gorilla comesCopy !req
48. "and starts around
with white girls in New York."Copy !req
49. "Whoa! What the?Copy !req
50. "That's your, man!
What?Copy !req
51. "You're racist, bitch!
What the..."Copy !req
52. Hey, all I know is it's good
having another brotherCopy !req
53. - move into the neighborhood.
- Hey man, it's good to have you over.Copy !req
54. And I think that
you will dig this.Copy !req
55. All right!Copy !req
56. - Hey!
- Huh?Copy !req
57. - Nice guitar collection.
- Oh, thanks, man.Copy !req
58. - Hey, you wanna hear something?
- Yeah, sure.Copy !req
59. All right, all right. All right,
let's get this started.Copy !req
60. Let's get this started.Copy !req
61. - Country music.
- Yeah, I grew up in Texas.Copy !req
62. - You know, so...
- All right.Copy !req
63. - Woo-hoo!
- Whoas.Copy !req
64. Pretty racist song.Copy !req
65. Racist?
Against who?Copy !req
66. - Black people.
- Black people? But I'm black.Copy !req
67. Well, "keeping the redheaded girl
away from the homiesCopy !req
68. - "on the wrong side of town"?
- "Homies"?Copy !req
69. Come on, brother.
There's all kinds of homies.Copy !req
70. You know, white homies,
Asian homies...Copy !req
71. No, homies are black.Copy !req
72. No, I think you're making them black.
I think that's your stuff.Copy !req
73. You hear the twang, and then
you assume that it's racist.Copy !req
74. But that's just what
country music is like.Copy !req
75. Hey, look, you're gonna love
this one. You'll like this one.Copy !req
76. All right.Copy !req
77. All right, wait. Hey!
Stop that. That's racist.Copy !req
78. What's what?
What is racist about it?Copy !req
79. "The only hood I love
is pointy and white"?Copy !req
80. - Yeah, man.
- That's talking about the Klan, man.Copy !req
81. The Ku Klux Klan?
Are you outside of your mind?Copy !req
82. That's traditional
country music imagery, man.Copy !req
83. Like a pick-up truck,
or sleeping under the stars,Copy !req
84. or your dog got killed,
or your wife left you. Same thing!Copy !req
85. I would have been fine
with any of those things.Copy !req
86. What is the difference between
those things and what is in the song?Copy !req
87. They're not racial.Copy !req
88. Hey, you know what? Can I just say
something, man. I'm just gonna be frank.Copy !req
89. You're getting a little, like,
Al Sharpton, like...Copy !req
90. - Oh, my...
- Farrakhan on me right now.Copy !req
91. Oh, my God.
Are you serious?Copy !req
92. Yo, dude, dude, please.
Hey, can I do one more?Copy !req
93. Let me just do one more, dog.Copy !req
94. I absolutely promise you
that this songCopy !req
95. is not racist,Copy !req
96. and it's impossible for you
to misinterpret it as such.Copy !req
97. Okay, it seems like you're about
to sing the most racist song so far.Copy !req
98. I'm not.Copy !req
99. Okay, I'm out.Copy !req
100. Come on, man. Hey!
Shoot.Copy !req
101. I'm over here trying
to sing about a tire swing.Copy !req
102. Gonna write off
an entire genre of music.Copy !req
103. Oh, damn.Copy !req
104. Now I see it.
Now I see it.Copy !req
105. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
106. With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.Copy !req
107. - Hi.
- Now, after the last debate,Copy !req
108. I was criticized for...
not showing enough emotion.Copy !req
109. I should've been on that stage!
Oh, my God! Mitt!Copy !req
110. If I was a Siberian tiger,
your ass would've been Roy!Copy !req
111. Str-r-aight up!Copy !req
112. I was faulted for a lack ofCopy !req
113. "pithy retorts"
or "zingers."Copy !req
114. But we can do better than that.Copy !req
115. Witty responses are not going
to resolve this nation's deficit.Copy !req
116. How you gonna fire
Sesame Street?Copy !req
117. One of these mother
already lives in a trash can! Zing!Copy !req
118. And a one-liner
is not going to solveCopy !req
119. the problems we have
with our tax code,Copy !req
120. which my opponent seems to have
entirely changed his position on.Copy !req
121. This mother
gets more reboots than Spider-Man!Copy !req
122. And boom, goes the dynamite.Copy !req
123. I look forward to a debate
based on substance,Copy !req
124. - not on zingers.
- I got a Mormon zinger!Copy !req
125. "Take my wives, please!"Copy !req
126. Ooh-ho-ho,
I said "wives."Copy !req
127. Thank you,
and good night.Copy !req
128. This message brought to you
by the letter "Suck my"Copy !req
129. and the number."Copy !req
130. Ohh!Copy !req
131. Snap, America.Copy !req
132. Snap, indeed.Copy !req
133. All right, he knows I won't get dogs
because it's basically like, it's likeCopy !req
134. - buying a new grandparent.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
135. You know, you have to... you gotta
feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks.Copy !req
136. They will look at you in the eyes
while they're pooping.Copy !req
137. - I'm with you.
- They drool, you know.Copy !req
138. forgetful as.Copy !req
139. All my dogs are shelter dogs
because purebread dogsCopy !req
140. are stupid.Copy !req
141. Yeah?Copy !req
142. When you mix them, you get a thing
that's commonly known as hybrid vigor.Copy !req
143. And what happens is
all the best qualities of both dogsCopy !req
144. go into the one dog.
Much like interracial people.Copy !req
145. Representing hybrid vigor.Copy !req
146. That should be our rap group
right there.Copy !req
147. We should be "Hybrid Vigor."Copy !req
148. Hybrid vigor
from a couple of hybrid.Copy !req
149. Let's get hard.Copy !req
150. - Hey, babe.
- Hi.Copy !req
151. Um, I made a really big decision
without consulting you.Copy !req
152. I went by a puppy rescue standCopy !req
153. on University Avenue.Copy !req
154. I had to. I had to.Copy !req
155. - You got us a dog?
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
156. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
157. So, honey, I've gotta
tell you something, okay?Copy !req
158. These rescue dogs have had
some tough situations.Copy !req
159. - Oh.
- And a lot of them take onCopy !req
160. the personality of their owners.Copy !req
161. This dog...Copy !req
162. was owned by rapper Ice-T.Copy !req
163. - All right, little buddy, come on out.
- Aww.Copy !req
164. Oh, hello,
my little darling. Oh!Copy !req
165. Man, you.
You, thuck my.Copy !req
166. Thith house ain't.Copy !req
167. Okay, buddy, take it easy.Copy !req
168. - A little testy.
- you,Copy !req
169. Nothin' ever been eathy
for me in my life.Copy !req
170. Now, hook me up
with a treat.Copy !req
171. - You want a treat, buddy?
- You want a treat?Copy !req
172. Is that what you want?
Here we go, sweetie. Here we go.Copy !req
173. Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass
treat right there.Copy !req
174. - Now give me the whole bag.
- Okay, one treat is enough.Copy !req
175. Bitch, was I talking to you?Copy !req
176. Give me the whole bag of treats
'cause I'm a treat killerCopy !req
177. and a motherhandful.Copy !req
178. - Somebody's grumpy today.
- Grumpy-wumpy.Copy !req
179. Lay my ass right up
on this comfortable-ass thofa.Copy !req
180. I'm gonna sleep on this bitch
too, as a matter of fact.Copy !req
181. And you know what,
motherand bitch?Copy !req
182. - I'm gonna pith and up here too.
- No! Oh, no! No, no, no!Copy !req
183. you, man.
Raise your hand at me.Copy !req
184. Okay, um, I've got something
for you, little guy.Copy !req
185. Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You
wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh?Copy !req
186. - Get that ball.
- you!Copy !req
187. Both y'all condescending
motherCopy !req
188. I ain't your entertainment, bitch.
So you!Copy !req
189. - Oh!
- Get the door, okay?Copy !req
190. Well, hello. Who is this?Copy !req
191. Come on, Coco, don't worry
about these mother.Copy !req
192. That'th my bitch Coco.Copy !req
193. Oh, I forgot to tell y'all,
she's gonna be living here too.Copy !req
194. Wow, okay, you got
your little friend here.Copy !req
195. - Yeah...
- Yeah, well you can...Copy !req
196. She can play here
for a while, sure.Copy !req
197. - Puppy play date.
- Yeah.Copy !req
198. Play date?
We gonna have a date.Copy !req
199. That's what we gonna have,
bitch.Copy !req
200. Come here, bitch.Copy !req
201. - Oh, are you...
- That's rightCopy !req
202. Oh, no, don't do that.Copy !req
203. - Yeah, that's my shih tzu.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
204. Get the out of here. It's about
to get graphic in this bitch!Copy !req
205. - Oh boy.
- How come you don't do that with me?Copy !req
206. - Honey, I told you.
- He does it.Copy !req
207. I just want to keep
this area clean.Copy !req
208. I'm sorry.
It was an involuntary reaction.Copy !req
209. We grew up in this area where...Copy !req
210. Okay, there was blaxploitation
in the '70s,Copy !req
211. and then when I was growing up
it got into this zone where,Copy !req
212. like, all of a sudden, the black guy
wasn't the cool guyCopy !req
213. - in the action movie anymore.
- Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
214. All of a sudden it was, like,
Mel Gibson was the cool one.Copy !req
215. Right.Copy !req
216. And Danny Glover had
to be like, you know...Copy !req
217. The fuddy-duddy family man,
like "Get away from my daughter."Copy !req
218. - Right.
- You know what I mean?Copy !req
219. Do you remember that Lethal Weapon?Copy !req
220. My man Mel Gibson
would come in on Danny GloverCopy !req
221. and my man would be standing
in the middle of the bathroomCopy !req
222. just embarrassing
all black people.Copy !req
223. That's right.Copy !req
224. Rodge, Rodge, what's going on?Copy !req
225. Stay there. Stay there.Copy !req
226. Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge.
What's going on?Copy !req
227. Riggs, there's a bombCopy !req
228. on my.Copy !req
229. Gmail is what I'm on now.
That's the uh...Copy !req
230. Okay, you get the most space
for attachments.Copy !req
231. - Anyway.
- Thank you.Copy !req
232. Feel free to hit me up
if you remember that numberCopy !req
233. I noticed you ain't
write that down.Copy !req
234. Damn, damn, damn.
That girl was fly, right?Copy !req
235. She all right.Copy !req
236. But did you see that Liam Neesons
movie with them wolves, though?Copy !req
237. The one with them big-assed
wolves and Liam Neesons in it?Copy !req
238. Man, Liam Neesons is my!Copy !req
239. Oh, Liam Neesons straight
jacked up them wolves, man.Copy !req
240. Man, he
them wolves up, man.Copy !req
241. - Yeah.
- Shoot, man.Copy !req
242. Hey, and don't get even get me
started on that oneCopy !req
243. where they took his daughter.Copy !req
244. Straight Tooken,
starring Liam Neesons!Copy !req
245. Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like,
"I have a certain set of skills."Copy !req
246. Man, don't
with Liam Neesons!Copy !req
247. No, don't even try and be Russian
around Liam Neesons.Copy !req
248. - He'll take your arm and...
- Put some fractures in it.Copy !req
249. They killing him, man.
And then...Copy !req
250. Oh, you see
the second one, though?Copy !req
251. In the second one,
the Russians come after him.Copy !req
252. And he them all up anyway.Copy !req
253. Tooken 2, starring
the incomparable Liam Neesons.Copy !req
254. - Mm-hm.
- That's my.Copy !req
255. - What about Darkman, though?
- No, uh.Copy !req
256. What about Liam Neesons
in some Darkman, though?Copy !req
257. - No, man. .
- What about Darkman?Copy !req
258. When Liam Neesons' face
was changing up, man?Copy !req
259. Homie was straight face-changing.Copy !req
260. Now that's just Liam Neesons
acting right there, man.Copy !req
261. Straight up, I kid you not.
Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons.Copy !req
262. Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like,
Neesons already need to have a statue.Copy !req
263. - Liam Neesons ain't got no...
- He ain't got no statue...Copy !req
264. He ain't got a statue.
He ain't got a statue.Copy !req
265. No, no, no.Copy !req
266. The Oscar goes to
Liam Neesons, Darkman.Copy !req
267. - face was changing.
- Mm-hm. Word!Copy !req
268. - How hard is that.
- It ain't hard. It's not hard at all.Copy !req
269. - Damn!
- It's stupid, man.Copy !req
270. Oh, oh! Battleship.Copy !req
271. Oooh!Copy !req
272. Bat-tle-ship.Copy !req
273. Oooh!Copy !req
274. - Battleship!
- Oooh! Whoo!Copy !req
275. Liam Neesons straight
killer a robot boat!Copy !req
276. Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit!Copy !req
277. Whoo!Copy !req
278. But do you know who I like
as much as Neesons, though?Copy !req
279. As much as Neesons?
Who?Copy !req
280. Bruce Willy.Copy !req
281. Bruce Willy is my!Copy !req
282. But what if they made a movie
with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy?Copy !req
283. - Neesons and Willy?
- Willy and Neesons.Copy !req
284. Harder, man. Harder!Copy !req
285. That would be...Copy !req
286. My sheeeeeeeee...Copy !req
287. - I don't know why.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
288. Why do we love
Liam Neeson so much?Copy !req
289. Yo, you know what you gotta...
Schindler's List, mother,Copy !req
290. Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you
what's off the hook, though, dog?Copy !req
291. Ethan Frome, that's
my jam right there.Copy !req
292. You ain't gone to the movies unless
you've seen Husbands and Wives.Copy !req
293. Woody Allen, mother.
Woody Allen.Copy !req
294. So, Steve Jobs.
this is like, the...Copy !req
295. We're right aroung the
year anniversary of his death.Copy !req
296. - Mm-hm.
- Pioneer. Technological pioneer.Copy !req
297. - Can we agree on that?
- Yes.Copy !req
298. Anybody lose their iPad?
You lost it?Copy !req
299. - I did.
- Where did you lose it?Copy !req
300. Oakland, California.Copy !req
301. - Oh, in Oakland.
- In Oakland. Okay.Copy !req
302. Oh, so you're never getting it
back then.Copy !req
303. That's out of the question.Copy !req
304. My friend, you didn't lose it.
Your ass got jacked, my friend.Copy !req
305. That's right.Copy !req
306. Mr. Cook, you're almost up.
Are you ready?Copy !req
307. - Good. I'm good.
- Okay.Copy !req
308. Really gonna need you
to stick to the script on this one.Copy !req
309. I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.Copy !req
310. Please stop comparing me
to Steve Jobs!Copy !req
311. No, but nobody's comparing you
to Steve Jobs, okay?Copy !req
312. We just want you
to focus on the products.Copy !req
313. And please stick to the script.
Okay.Copy !req
314. You're on in three...Copy !req
315. They're gonna forget they ever heard
the name "Steve Jobs".Copy !req
316. What up, Apple people?Copy !req
317. Yeah!Copy !req
318. Yeah!Copy !req
319. Well, now, the first thing
that I'm gonna doCopy !req
320. is T.O.T.S.Copy !req
321. "Throw Out
The Script."Copy !req
322. Now, I'm supposed
to come out hereCopy !req
323. and tell you about
some bullnew iPhone,Copy !req
324. pad, dick, pussy!Copy !req
325. You've seen it!Copy !req
326. Boring!Copy !req
327. Yes!
That's exactly it.Copy !req
328. Now, let's just say
this table right here...Copy !req
329. Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?Copy !req
330. Yeah!Copy !req
331. That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
332. And let's say
that thisCopy !req
333. is our competitor's
new smartphone.Copy !req
334. How about that?
Huh? What?Copy !req
335. I am a major donkey dick.Copy !req
336. Whoo! Right?Copy !req
337. - And let's say that this right here...
- Hey!Copy !req
338. this is one of our competitor'sCopy !req
339. new e-book reader, huh?Copy !req
340. What about that?
What? Uh-oh.Copy !req
341. Tut-tut.
Wook's wike wain!Copy !req
342. Haaaa!Copy !req
343. Whoo! Whoo!Copy !req
344. Yeah!Copy !req
345. All right!Copy !req
346. Yes!Copy !req
347. Who wants to see some of that
classified next-level? Huh?Copy !req
348. Did Steve ever show you
that classified?Copy !req
349. No, he didn't.Copy !req
350. You can't do that.
They haven't been tested yet.Copy !req
351. This device will allow you
to teleport anywhereCopy !req
352. on the planet.
Check this out!Copy !req
353. I am the Future!Copy !req
354. Whoo!Copy !req
355. Let's see Steve Jobs do that!Copy !req
356. - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.Copy !req
357. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
358. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
359. Here's a thing about dogs.Copy !req
360. They smell each other's crotchesCopy !req
361. to see what gender they are.Copy !req
362. Can you imagine a dude
walking into a barCopy !req
363. talking 'bout:
"Whassup, girl?"Copy !req
364. I was noticing you from across the...Copy !req
365. - Sorry.
- I'm a dude.Copy !req
366. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req