1. Bro.Copy !req
2. What?Copy !req
3. Lock 'em.
Lock 'em.Copy !req
4. Yeah.
yeah, bro.Copy !req
5. - How awesome is this?
- It's cool.Copy !req
6. yeah, it is.Copy !req
7. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it.
Yeah.Copy !req
8. Dude... Synchronize.
Synchronize.Copy !req
9. Yeah, there it is.
Now we're doing it.Copy !req
10. Now we're doing it.
Now we're doing it.Copy !req
11. - It's... It's pretty awesome.
- Can you believe it?Copy !req
12. Can you just...?Copy !req
13. Yo. Yo. Right there, man.
Just give me five, man.Copy !req
14. Give me five, bro.Copy !req
15. Come on, that's pussy.
Come on.Copy !req
16. Come on.Copy !req
17. - Oh, you're with me now.
- You know...Copy !req
18. - You are with me now.
- That's disturbing.Copy !req
19. Keep 'em locked.
Keep 'em locked.Copy !req
20. You ain't going nowhere, bro.Copy !req
21. - Mm-mm.
- Give it backCopy !req
22. Get your...
Get...Copy !req
23. Aah!
Oh!Copy !req
24. Dude! How we gonna break
the world recordCopy !req
25. if you can't keep it up?Copy !req
26. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
27. Lock it.Copy !req
28. Keep it locked.
Keep it locked.Copy !req
29. - Ew! Shame on you!
- Shame on you!Copy !req
30. - Shame on all of you!
- Shame on you!Copy !req
31. Thanks and welcome to the show
I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
32. - I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
33. So thank you for coming.Copy !req
34. I see race in just about...
in everything.Copy !req
35. - Mm-hm.
- Like, I just... I just do that.Copy !req
36. Like, if somebody asks,
"You want cream in your coffee?"Why?"Copy !req
37. - Yeah. Yeah.
- "Why, mother? Why would I?"Copy !req
38. You ever have a white dude
come up to you talking about,Copy !req
39. "Hey, man, dude, I know.Copy !req
40. "King Kong?
That is racist."Copy !req
41. - Have you had this?
- I've had that.Copy !req
42. Dude, I was like, "What?
Is it racist? I don't even think..."Copy !req
43. He's like, "Think about it, man.
It's a bunch of white dudesCopy !req
44. that go to an island,
all these aborigines..."Copy !req
45. - I'm like, "Okay."
- All right, I'm with you so far, yeah.Copy !req
46. "Then a big black gorilla comesCopy !req
47. "and starts around
with white girls in New York."Copy !req
48. "Whoa! What the?Copy !req
49. "That's your, man!
What?Copy !req
50. "You're racist, bitch!
What the..."Copy !req
51. Hey, all I know is it's good
having another brotherCopy !req
52. - move into the neighborhood.
- Hey man, it's good to have you over.Copy !req
53. And I think that
you will dig this.Copy !req
54. All right!Copy !req
55. - Hey!
- Huh?Copy !req
56. - Nice guitar collection.
- Oh, thanks, man.Copy !req
57. - Hey, you wanna hear something?
- Yeah, sure.Copy !req
58. All right, all right. All right,
let's get this started.Copy !req
59. Let's get this started.Copy !req
60. - Country music.
- Yeah, I grew up in Texas.Copy !req
61. - You know, so...
- All right.Copy !req
62. - Woo-hoo!
- Whoas.Copy !req
63. Pretty racist song.Copy !req
64. Racist?
Against who?Copy !req
65. - Black people.
- Black people? But I'm black.Copy !req
66. Well, "keeping the redheaded girl
away from the homiesCopy !req
67. - "on the wrong side of town"?
- "Homies"?Copy !req
68. Come on, brother.
There's all kinds of homies.Copy !req
69. You know, white homies,
Asian homies...Copy !req
70. No, homies are black.Copy !req
71. No, I think you're making them black.
I think that's your stuff.Copy !req
72. You hear the twang, and then
you assume that it's racist.Copy !req
73. But that's just what
country music is like.Copy !req
74. Hey, look, you're gonna love
this one. You'll like this one.Copy !req
75. All right.Copy !req
76. All right, wait. Hey!
Stop that. That's racist.Copy !req
77. What's what?
What is racist about it?Copy !req
78. "The only hood I love
is pointy and white"?Copy !req
79. - Yeah, man.
- That's talking about the Klan, man.Copy !req
80. The Ku Klux Klan?
Are you outside of your mind?Copy !req
81. That's traditional
country music imagery, man.Copy !req
82. Like a pick-up truck,
or sleeping under the stars,Copy !req
83. or your dog got killed,
or your wife left you. Same thing!Copy !req
84. I would have been fine
with any of those things.Copy !req
85. What is the difference between
those things and what is in the song?Copy !req
86. They're not racial.Copy !req
87. Hey, you know what? Can I just say
something, man. I'm just gonna be frank.Copy !req
88. You're getting a little, like,
Al Sharpton, like...Copy !req
89. - Oh, my...
- Farrakhan on me right now.Copy !req
90. Oh, my God.
Are you serious?Copy !req
91. Yo, dude, dude, please.
Hey, can I do one more?Copy !req
92. Let me just do one more, dog.Copy !req
93. I absolutely promise you
that this songCopy !req
94. is not racist,Copy !req
95. and it's impossible for you
to misinterpret it as such.Copy !req
96. Okay, it seems like you're about
to sing the most racist song so far.Copy !req
97. I'm not.Copy !req
98. Okay, I'm out.Copy !req
99. Come on, man. Hey!
Shoot.Copy !req
100. I'm over here trying
to sing about a tire swing.Copy !req
101. Gonna write off
an entire genre of music.Copy !req
102. Oh, damn.Copy !req
103. Now I see it.
Now I see it.Copy !req
104. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
105. With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.Copy !req
106. - Hi.
- Now, after the last debate,Copy !req
107. I was criticized for...
not showing enough emotion.Copy !req
108. I should've been on that stage!
Oh, my God! Mitt!Copy !req
109. If I was a Siberian tiger,
your ass would've been Roy!Copy !req
110. Str-r-aight up!Copy !req
111. I was faulted for a lack ofCopy !req
112. "pithy retorts"
or "zingers."Copy !req
113. But we can do better than that.Copy !req
114. Witty responses are not going
to resolve this nation's deficit.Copy !req
115. How you gonna fire
Sesame Street?Copy !req
116. One of these mother
already lives in a trash can! Zing!Copy !req
117. And a one-liner
is not going to solveCopy !req
118. the problems we have
with our tax code,Copy !req
119. which my opponent seems to have
entirely changed his position on.Copy !req
120. This mother
gets more reboots than Spider-Man!Copy !req
121. And boom, goes the dynamite.Copy !req
122. I look forward to a debate
based on substance,Copy !req
123. - not on zingers.
- I got a Mormon zinger!Copy !req
124. "Take my wives, please!"Copy !req
125. Ooh-ho-ho,
I said "wives."Copy !req
126. Thank you,
and good night.Copy !req
127. This message brought to you
by the letter "Suck my"Copy !req
128. and the number."Copy !req
129. Ohh!Copy !req
130. Snap, America.Copy !req
131. Snap, indeed.Copy !req
132. All right, he knows I won't get dogs
because it's basically like, it's likeCopy !req
133. - buying a new grandparent.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
134. You know, you have to... you gotta
feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks.Copy !req
135. They will look at you in the eyes
while they're pooping.Copy !req
136. - I'm with you.
- They drool, you know.Copy !req
137. forgetful as.Copy !req
138. All my dogs are shelter dogs
because purebread dogsCopy !req
139. are stupid.Copy !req
140. Yeah?Copy !req
141. When you mix them, you get a thing
that's commonly known as hybrid vigor.Copy !req
142. And what happens is
all the best qualities of both dogsCopy !req
143. go into the one dog.
Much like interracial people.Copy !req
144. Representing hybrid vigor.Copy !req
145. That should be our rap group
right there.Copy !req
146. We should be "Hybrid Vigor."Copy !req
147. Hybrid vigor
from a couple of hybrid.Copy !req
148. Let's get hard.Copy !req
149. - Hey, babe.
- Hi.Copy !req
150. Um, I made a really big decision
without consulting you.Copy !req
151. I went by a puppy rescue standCopy !req
152. on University Avenue.Copy !req
153. I had to. I had to.Copy !req
154. - You got us a dog?
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
155. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
156. So, honey, I've gotta
tell you something, okay?Copy !req
157. These rescue dogs have had
some tough situations.Copy !req
158. - Oh.
- And a lot of them take onCopy !req
159. the personality of their owners.Copy !req
160. This dog...Copy !req
161. was owned by rapper Ice-T.Copy !req
162. - All right, little buddy, come on out.
- Aww.Copy !req
163. Oh, hello,
my little darling. Oh!Copy !req
164. Man, you.
You, thuck my.Copy !req
165. Thith house ain't.Copy !req
166. Okay, buddy, take it easy.Copy !req
167. - A little testy.
- you,Copy !req
168. Nothin' ever been eathy
for me in my life.Copy !req
169. Now, hook me up
with a treat.Copy !req
170. - You want a treat, buddy?
- You want a treat?Copy !req
171. Is that what you want?
Here we go, sweetie. Here we go.Copy !req
172. Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass
treat right there.Copy !req
173. - Now give me the whole bag.
- Okay, one treat is enough.Copy !req
174. Bitch, was I talking to you?Copy !req
175. Give me the whole bag of treats
'cause I'm a treat killerCopy !req
176. and a motherhandful.Copy !req
177. - Somebody's grumpy today.
- Grumpy-wumpy.Copy !req
178. Lay my ass right up
on this comfortable-ass thofa.Copy !req
179. I'm gonna sleep on this bitch
too, as a matter of fact.Copy !req
180. And you know what,
motherand bitch?Copy !req
181. - I'm gonna pith and up here too.
- No! Oh, no! No, no, no!Copy !req
182. you, man.
Raise your hand at me.Copy !req
183. Okay, um, I've got something
for you, little guy.Copy !req
184. Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You
wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh?Copy !req
185. - Get that ball.
- you!Copy !req
186. Both y'all condescending
motherCopy !req
187. I ain't your entertainment, bitch.
So you!Copy !req
188. - Oh!
- Get the door, okay?Copy !req
189. Well, hello. Who is this?Copy !req
190. Come on, Coco, don't worry
about these mother.Copy !req
191. That'th my bitch Coco.Copy !req
192. Oh, I forgot to tell y'all,
she's gonna be living here too.Copy !req
193. Wow, okay, you got
your little friend here.Copy !req
194. - Yeah...
- Yeah, well you can...Copy !req
195. She can play here
for a while, sure.Copy !req
196. - Puppy play date.
- Yeah.Copy !req
197. Play date?
We gonna have a date.Copy !req
198. That's what we gonna have,
bitch.Copy !req
199. Come here, bitch.Copy !req
200. - Oh, are you...
- That's rightCopy !req
201. Oh, no, don't do that.Copy !req
202. - Yeah, that's my shih tzu.
- Oh, dear.Copy !req
203. Get the out of here. It's about
to get graphic in this bitch!Copy !req
204. - Oh boy.
- How come you don't do that with me?Copy !req
205. - Honey, I told you.
- He does it.Copy !req
206. I just want to keep
this area clean.Copy !req
207. I'm sorry.
It was an involuntary reaction.Copy !req
208. We grew up in this area where...Copy !req
209. Okay, there was blaxploitation
in the '70s,Copy !req
210. and then when I was growing up
it got into this zone where,Copy !req
211. like, all of a sudden, the black guy
wasn't the cool guyCopy !req
212. - in the action movie anymore.
- Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
213. All of a sudden it was, like,
Mel Gibson was the cool one.Copy !req
214. Right.Copy !req
215. And Danny Glover had
to be like, you know...Copy !req
216. The fuddy-duddy family man,
like "Get away from my daughter."Copy !req
217. - Right.
- You know what I mean?Copy !req
218. Do you remember that Lethal Weapon?Copy !req
219. My man Mel Gibson
would come in on Danny GloverCopy !req
220. and my man would be standing
in the middle of the bathroomCopy !req
221. just embarrassing
all black people.Copy !req
222. That's right.Copy !req
223. Rodge, Rodge, what's going on?Copy !req
224. Stay there. Stay there.Copy !req
225. Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge.
What's going on?Copy !req
226. Riggs, there's a bombCopy !req
227. on my.Copy !req
228. Gmail is what I'm on now.
That's the uh...Copy !req
229. Okay, you get the most space
for attachments.Copy !req
230. - Anyway.
- Thank you.Copy !req
231. Feel free to hit me up
if you remember that numberCopy !req
232. I noticed you ain't
write that down.Copy !req
233. Damn, damn, damn.
That girl was fly, right?Copy !req
234. She all right.Copy !req
235. But did you see that Liam Neesons
movie with them wolves, though?Copy !req
236. The one with them big-assed
wolves and Liam Neesons in it?Copy !req
237. Man, Liam Neesons is my!Copy !req
238. Oh, Liam Neesons straight
jacked up them wolves, man.Copy !req
239. Man, he
them wolves up, man.Copy !req
240. - Yeah.
- Shoot, man.Copy !req
241. Hey, and don't get even get me
started on that oneCopy !req
242. where they took his daughter.Copy !req
243. Straight Tooken,
starring Liam Neesons!Copy !req
244. Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like,
"I have a certain set of skills."Copy !req
245. Man, don't
with Liam Neesons!Copy !req
246. No, don't even try and be Russian
around Liam Neesons.Copy !req
247. - He'll take your arm and...
- Put some fractures in it.Copy !req
248. They killing him, man.
And then...Copy !req
249. Oh, you see
the second one, though?Copy !req
250. In the second one,
the Russians come after him.Copy !req
251. And he them all up anyway.Copy !req
252. Tooken 2, starring
the incomparable Liam Neesons.Copy !req
253. - Mm-hm.
- That's my.Copy !req
254. - What about Darkman, though?
- No, uh.Copy !req
255. What about Liam Neesons
in some Darkman, though?Copy !req
256. - No, man. .
- What about Darkman?Copy !req
257. When Liam Neesons' face
was changing up, man?Copy !req
258. Homie was straight face-changing.Copy !req
259. Now that's just Liam Neesons
acting right there, man.Copy !req
260. Straight up, I kid you not.
Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons.Copy !req
261. Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like,
Neesons already need to have a statue.Copy !req
262. - Liam Neesons ain't got no...
- He ain't got no statue...Copy !req
263. He ain't got a statue.
He ain't got a statue.Copy !req
264. No, no, no.Copy !req
265. The Oscar goes to
Liam Neesons, Darkman.Copy !req
266. - face was changing.
- Mm-hm. Word!Copy !req
267. - How hard is that.
- It ain't hard. It's not hard at all.Copy !req
268. - Damn!
- It's stupid, man.Copy !req
269. Oh, oh! Battleship.Copy !req
270. Oooh!Copy !req
271. Bat-tle-ship.Copy !req
272. Oooh!Copy !req
273. - Battleship!
- Oooh! Whoo!Copy !req
274. Liam Neesons straight
killer a robot boat!Copy !req
275. Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit!Copy !req
276. Whoo!Copy !req
277. But do you know who I like
as much as Neesons, though?Copy !req
278. As much as Neesons?
Who?Copy !req
279. Bruce Willy.Copy !req
280. Bruce Willy is my!Copy !req
281. But what if they made a movie
with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy?Copy !req
282. - Neesons and Willy?
- Willy and Neesons.Copy !req
283. Harder, man. Harder!Copy !req
284. That would be...Copy !req
285. My sheeeeeeeee...Copy !req
286. - I don't know why.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
287. Why do we love
Liam Neeson so much?Copy !req
288. Yo, you know what you gotta...
Schindler's List, mother,Copy !req
289. Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you
what's off the hook, though, dog?Copy !req
290. Ethan Frome, that's
my jam right there.Copy !req
291. You ain't gone to the movies unless
you've seen Husbands and Wives.Copy !req
292. Woody Allen, mother.
Woody Allen.Copy !req
293. So, Steve Jobs.
this is like, the...Copy !req
294. We're right aroung the
year anniversary of his death.Copy !req
295. - Mm-hm.
- Pioneer. Technological pioneer.Copy !req
296. - Can we agree on that?
- Yes.Copy !req
297. Anybody lose their iPad?
You lost it?Copy !req
298. - I did.
- Where did you lose it?Copy !req
299. Oakland, California.Copy !req
300. - Oh, in Oakland.
- In Oakland. Okay.Copy !req
301. Oh, so you're never getting it
back then.Copy !req
302. That's out of the question.Copy !req
303. My friend, you didn't lose it.
Your ass got jacked, my friend.Copy !req
304. That's right.Copy !req
305. Mr. Cook, you're almost up.
Are you ready?Copy !req
306. - Good. I'm good.
- Okay.Copy !req
307. Really gonna need you
to stick to the script on this one.Copy !req
308. I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.Copy !req
309. Please stop comparing me
to Steve Jobs!Copy !req
310. No, but nobody's comparing you
to Steve Jobs, okay?Copy !req
311. We just want you
to focus on the products.Copy !req
312. And please stick to the script.
Okay.Copy !req
313. You're on in three...Copy !req
314. They're gonna forget they ever heard
the name "Steve Jobs".Copy !req
315. What up, Apple people?Copy !req
316. Yeah!Copy !req
317. Yeah!Copy !req
318. Well, now, the first thing
that I'm gonna doCopy !req
319. is T.O.T.S.Copy !req
320. "Throw Out
The Script."Copy !req
321. Now, I'm supposed
to come out hereCopy !req
322. and tell you about
some bullnew iPhone,Copy !req
323. pad, dick, pussy!Copy !req
324. You've seen it!Copy !req
325. Boring!Copy !req
326. Yes!
That's exactly it.Copy !req
327. Now, let's just say
this table right here...Copy !req
328. Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?Copy !req
329. Yeah!Copy !req
330. That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
331. And let's say
that thisCopy !req
332. is our competitor's
new smartphone.Copy !req
333. How about that?
Huh? What?Copy !req
334. I am a major donkey dick.Copy !req
335. Whoo! Right?Copy !req
336. - And let's say that this right here...
- Hey!Copy !req
337. this is one of our competitor'sCopy !req
338. new e-book reader, huh?Copy !req
339. What about that?
What? Uh-oh.Copy !req
340. Tut-tut.
Wook's wike wain!Copy !req
341. Haaaa!Copy !req
342. Whoo! Whoo!Copy !req
343. Yeah!Copy !req
344. All right!Copy !req
345. Yes!Copy !req
346. Who wants to see some of that
classified next-level? Huh?Copy !req
347. Did Steve ever show you
that classified?Copy !req
348. No, he didn't.Copy !req
349. You can't do that.
They haven't been tested yet.Copy !req
350. This device will allow you
to teleport anywhereCopy !req
351. on the planet.
Check this out!Copy !req
352. I am the Future!Copy !req
353. Whoo!Copy !req
354. Let's see Steve Jobs do that!Copy !req
355. - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.Copy !req
356. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
357. Here's a thing about dogs.Copy !req
358. They smell each other's crotchesCopy !req
359. to see what gender they are.Copy !req
360. Can you imagine a dude
walking into a barCopy !req
361. talking 'bout:
"Whassup, girl?"Copy !req
362. I was noticing you from across the...Copy !req
363. - Sorry.
- I'm a dude.Copy !req
364. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req