1. The one who plays Jamie
is not English.Copy !req
2. He's not.Copy !req
3. I don't know what nationality he is,
but he's definitely not English.Copy !req
4. That's amazing.Copy !req
5. Whoa!Copy !req
6. Come on, Max, no.
Bad dog, bad.Copy !req
7. I'm so sorry.
I just rescued him from a shelter.Copy !req
8. He seems to get really aggressive
towards peopleCopy !req
9. With darker-colored skin.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
10. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
11. Yeah, I guess you never know
what they've been throughCopy !req
12. before you get them.Copy !req
13. Yeah, we don't think
that your dog's racist.Copy !req
14. Whoo!Copy !req
15. Welcome!Copy !req
16. Oh, my God. Thank you
so much for coming out.Copy !req
17. - I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.Copy !req
18. And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
19. So thank you.Copy !req
20. Um...Copy !req
21. That... that, uh...
just if you were wondering,Copy !req
22. - That was a racist dog.
- Actual racist dog.Copy !req
23. The dog was actually racist.Copy !req
24. Came to the set
with its own hood.Copy !req
25. Yes. He just...
he slipped right into it.Copy !req
26. - It was crazy.
- I wanted to say to that dog so badCopy !req
27. like, "you know you have
brown spots on you?Copy !req
28. "You know that?
You know that?"Copy !req
29. It was weird. He came...
He was Method, you know,Copy !req
30. He pissed
on my leg immediately.Copy !req
31. I'm telling you...Copy !req
32. He thought I was trying
to steal his bone.Copy !req
33. Yeah, it was...Copy !req
34. But it was... That Jack Russell
was actually the dog from The Artist.Copy !req
35. - Mm-hmm, that's right.
- So, he's the most famous racist dog.Copy !req
36. He's the Mel Gibson of dogs.
That's who he was.Copy !req
37. That's right. That's right.Copy !req
38. Do you guys
know dubstep music?Copy !req
39. Yeah.Copy !req
40. So dubstep music is...
Is it music?Copy !req
41. You did blow my mind, because
I thought I was listening to a song,Copy !req
42. And then an alien communiqué
took place in the middle of the song.Copy !req
43. If you don't know what dubstep is,
it's like this.Copy !req
44. It always... It starts off,
and it's like,Copy !req
45. And then a ...
a dubstep fan will always go,Copy !req
46. "Dude, wait for it."Copy !req
47. - You can't rap to dubstep.
- You can't. No, you can't.Copy !req
48. So I have finished the kitchen.Copy !req
49. I have finished my bedroom.
I have finished the office.Copy !req
50. And I'm just wrapping up
the living room.Copy !req
51. - Okay.
- So yeah.Copy !req
52. - I'll get pack-a-lackin'.
- I love it. I love it.Copy !req
53. - Mind if I put on some music?
- I do not. I do not.Copy !req
54. All right. I got this new dubstep.Copy !req
55. Uh, dubste... What is that?
I don't know what that is.Copy !req
56. - Oh, dude, you're gonna love it.
- Oh, cool. Cool, man.Copy !req
57. Ooh, I like this.Copy !req
58. - Wait for the drop.
- I'm sorry, "the drop"?Copy !req
59. - What is happening?
- What?Copy !req
60. - What is this?
- I can't hear you!Copy !req
61. - What is that?
- The music?Copy !req
62. - I'm sorry, is that music?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
63. Dude, that's the dubstep, man.
That's my jam.Copy !req
64. Well, it's... it's a little, uh,
loud and disorienting.Copy !req
65. And, you know, you're being
a little rough with my things.Copy !req
66. Rough with...?
Dude, your stuff is fine.Copy !req
67. - Why am I sweating so much?
- Because you're feelin' it.Copy !req
68. - Is that a good thing?
- Yes!Copy !req
69. Come on, man.
Just give it another shot.Copy !req
70. Okay. Okay.
I will.Copy !req
71. Whoa, dude!
You're totally jacking my flow up.Copy !req
72. Dude, your nose is bleeding,
and so is mine.Copy !req
73. Awesome.Copy !req
74. It doesn't really seem
like music to me.Copy !req
75. Okay. Wow.
Wally getting a little bit old.Copy !req
76. No, don't do that.
Come on.Copy !req
77. No. Didn't realize that.
Okay.Copy !req
78. Um, yeah, what would you
rather listen to?Copy !req
79. I can hook you up with some
Hootie & The Blowfish, if that's your...Copy !req
80. - Oh, that's funny.
- Is that good?Copy !req
81. Want some Color Me Badd?Copy !req
82. You know what? Go ahead.
I don't care. I see what you're doing.Copy !req
83. Go ahead and play it. I don't care.
Because I'm not that old.Copy !req
84. I can get into it, okay? Let's just
get this stuff packed. Play it!Copy !req
85. - I think I'm getting it!
- Yeah!Copy !req
86. Ha, ha!Copy !req
87. Free at last, free at last,Copy !req
88. thank God Almighty,
we are free at last.Copy !req
89. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your next speaker,Copy !req
90. the Reverend Robert Jones.Copy !req
91. How am I s'posed to follow that?Copy !req
92. I can't.
Nobody can follow that.Copy !req
93. How am I s...Copy !req
94. I can, uh...Copy !req
95. Oh.Copy !req
96. All right.Copy !req
97. Good afternoon.
Um...Copy !req
98. That... that is the...Copy !req
99. The best speech I've ever heard
in my entire life.Copy !req
100. Ever.
I have never heard a better speech.Copy !req
101. And now,
it is my turn to speak.Copy !req
102. Huh.Copy !req
103. Who put this running order
together, right?Copy !req
104. You know, um,
Dr. King, uh,Copy !req
105. he... he actually covered a lot...
a lot of what I was gonna say.Copy !req
106. Um, you know, my...
my speech is, uh, uh...Copy !req
107. You gonna
find this funny, y'all.Copy !req
108. My speech was actually called, uh,
"A Vision for the Future."Copy !req
109. I'm not saying that Dr. King
copied my speech.Copy !req
110. I'm...Copy !req
111. No! No! No, I'm... I'm...
I'm saying I'm not saying that.Copy !req
112. I'm not saying
he tried to copy it.Copy !req
113. You... Why don't y'all listen
to what I'm s...Copy !req
114. Wow. You know what?Copy !req
115. No, come on!Copy !req
116. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. It's a joke.Copy !req
117. Did I not say it
like a joke?Copy !req
118. Ok...Copy !req
119. No?Copy !req
120. Apparently,
I have six more minutes.Copy !req
121. Hi, everybody, I'm Dave Stassen
alongside Geoff Worthing.Copy !req
122. And welcome to the annual
East/West bowl,Copy !req
123. as we get ready to watch some of
the best college players in the nationCopy !req
124. Showcase their skills
in a classic showdownCopy !req
125. between East and West.Copy !req
126. And there really
are some charactersCopy !req
127. on this year's squads,
aren't there, Geoff?Copy !req
128. That's right, Dave.
It does seemCopy !req
129. It does seem like the most
flamboyant personalitiesCopy !req
130. came to the forefront,
and they are here.Copy !req
131. Let's meet the players
from the East.Copy !req
132. D'Marcus Williums,
University of Georgia.Copy !req
133. T.J. Juckson,
Wayne State University.Copy !req
134. T'Variusness King,
Merrimack College.Copy !req
135. Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace,
University of Miami.Copy !req
136. D'Squarius Green, Jr.,
University of Notre-Dame.Copy !req
137. Ibrahim Moizoos, University
of Tennessee at ChattanoogaCopy !req
138. Jackmerius Tacktheritrix,
Michigan State University.Copy !req
139. D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde,
Coastal Carolina University.Copy !req
140. D'Jathper Probincrux the Third,Copy !req
141. Thouth Carolina Thtate
Univerthity.Copy !req
142. Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz,Copy !req
143. East Carolina University.Copy !req
144. Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar,Copy !req
145. University of Middle Tennessee.Copy !req
146. Davoin Shower-Handel,Copy !req
147. University of Southern Mississippi.Copy !req
148. Hingle McCringleberry,
Penn State University.Copy !req
149. L'Carpetron Dookmarriot,Copy !req
150. Florida Atlantic University.Copy !req
151. J'Dinkalage Morgoone,
University of South Florida.Copy !req
152. Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon,Copy !req
153. California University
of Pennsylvania.Copy !req
154. We're going to be looking
for big plays all game longCopy !req
155. from Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace.Copy !req
156. And let's not forget
the tight ends,Copy !req
157. Ibrahim Moizoos
and Hingle McCringleberry.Copy !req
158. - They've both had amazing seasons.
- That's right, Geoff.Copy !req
159. Now let's meet the players
from the west.Copy !req
160. Saggitariutt Jefferspin,
Texas A & M.Copy !req
161. D'Glester Hardunkichud,
University of Wisconsin.Copy !req
162. Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt,
Saskatchewan University.Copy !req
163. Quatro Quatro,
San Jose State University.Copy !req
164. Ozamataz Buckshank,
Stanford University.Copy !req
165. Beezer Twelve Washingbeard,
Jones College.Copy !req
166. Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter,Copy !req
167. University of Northern Arizona.Copy !req
168. X-wing @aliciousness,Copy !req
169. Missouri Western
State University.Copy !req
170. Sequester Grundelplith, M.D.,
Adams State.Copy !req
171. Scoish Velociraptor Maloish,Copy !req
172. South Dakota State University.Copy !req
173. T.J. A.J. R.J.
Backslashinfourth the Fifth,Copy !req
174. Albion College.Copy !req
175. San Diego State University.Copy !req
176. Donkey Teeth,
Boise State University.Copy !req
177. Torque...Copy !req
178. Lewith,
Nevada State...Copy !req
179. Penitentiary.Copy !req
180. The player formerly known
as mousecop,Copy !req
181. University of Missouri,
Columbia.Copy !req
182. Dan Smith, B.Y.U.Copy !req
183. There's nothing...
Hey... It... Here's the thing.Copy !req
184. - We had to do something...
- Yes, we had to.Copy !req
185. Because there's an offensive lineman
for the New York Jets...Copy !req
186. My man's name is...
D'brickashaw Ferguson.Copy !req
187. That is his real name.Copy !req
188. His mama named him
D'Brickashaw Ferguson.Copy !req
189. Someone asked her, "Where'd
his name come from, ma'am?"Copy !req
190. And she said, "it's a family name."
Bitch, it ain't no family name.Copy !req
191. That is not a family name!Copy !req
192. We ain't talking about the "Ferguson."
We talkin' about "D'Brickashaw," bitch!Copy !req
193. - Where you get that?
- D'Brickashaw.Copy !req
194. There's, like, three different nouns
in your son's first name.Copy !req
195. - Come on!
- Come on, now.Copy !req
196. Just threw letters
in a bucket, and just went...Copy !req
197. - Leodis McKelvin.
- Leodis McKelvin.Copy !req
198. What are we, in Middle Earth?
Who is this?Copy !req
199. I knew a girl... I knew... Well,
I didn't know... I didn't know her,Copy !req
200. but I knew about a girl who
went to a school back home.Copy !req
201. My girl's name was spelled
L-hyphen-A. "La-dash-A."Copy !req
202. - Mm. Mm-mm, mm-mm,
mm-mm, mm-mm.Copy !req
203. Let's see here.
Red... Red hills of Georgia.Copy !req
204. He, uh, got that out there.Copy !req
205. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
206. All right, here... Here's something...
Here's something new.Copy !req
207. Here's something brand new.Copy !req
208. How... Okay, this is off,
me talking off the top of my headCopy !req
209. here, everybody.
Uh, what...Copy !req
210. How about if we let, uh,
black people enslaveCopy !req
211. white people for...Copy !req
212. Okay, you know, that sounded a lot
better in my head before I said it.Copy !req
213. So that, uh, that wouldn't work.Copy !req
214. Is it warm?
Is anybody else warm?Copy !req
215. Whoo!Copy !req
216. I, uh, I vacuumed
my carpet the other day.Copy !req
217. A ounce of weed came out
of this mother.Copy !req
218. I have gotten high
walking into your home.Copy !req
219. - Yes.
- Simply on the...Copy !req
220. I just... I walk into his apartment.
I go straight to the refrigerator.Copy !req
221. - I just...
- That's right.Copy !req
222. Nah, nah, we're just kidding.
Just kidding. We didn't...Copy !req
223. Just kidding... I didn't
vacuum my apartment at all.Copy !req
224. Wouldn't do it.
Would never do that.Copy !req
225. Would never waste
that kind of good product...Copy !req
226. On the floor. I could just be...Copy !req
227. You have saved a lot of money not
buying vacuum cleaners in your life.Copy !req
228. I'll just be sitting, watching T.V,
talking about, "Yeah, yeah."Copy !req
229. Carpet.
That s just carpet.Copy !req
230. - This weed is mad tight, yo.
- Yeah, man, I'm super high, Dog.Copy !req
231. Ah.Copy !req
232. Hey, yo.Copy !req
233. Let me "ax" you a question
on the real.Copy !req
234. Yeah, yeah, Dog.
Yeah, go ahead, man.Copy !req
235. Hey, man,
where my dookie go?Copy !req
236. Oh.Copy !req
237. - What?
- My dookie.Copy !req
238. Where do it go?Copy !req
239. It go down in the toilet,
, you know that.Copy !req
240. Nah, man. I ain't stupid.Copy !req
241. Where do it go after that?Copy !req
242. Come on, man, quit playing.
I don't know.Copy !req
243. It... it goes down the sewer,
you know.Copy !req
244. Everybody's go down there?Copy !req
245. Yeah, everybody's dookie
goes down in the sewer.Copy !req
246. Where my dookie go after that?Copy !req
247. It washes out to the ocean.Copy !req
248. I guess.Copy !req
249. Hold up, hold up.Copy !req
250. Dolphins swim
with my dookie?Copy !req
251. I don't know, man. I mean,
I don't... I really don't know.Copy !req
252. - We're in the ocean...
- Yep.Copy !req
253. What happens to the dookie?Copy !req
254. I'm just taking a stab at...
like a wild guess, all right,Copy !req
255. that the dookie, like,
probably go up in the airCopy !req
256. and, like, evaporates and then
turns into a cloud or some.Copy !req
257. - A dookie cloud.
- Oh, this.Copy !req
258. - Everybody's dookie
mix up,Copy !req
259. goes up into a cloud,
and then it rains down.Copy !req
260. That's gangsta.Copy !req
261. I just... Can we stop talking
about dookie right now?Copy !req
262. I just thought of something.Copy !req
263. Yes? What is it?
What is it, Levi?Copy !req
264. The pieces of my dookie...Copy !req
265. - Yep?
- ... falls on the ground...Copy !req
266. - That's true, yep.Copy !req
267. and becomes a plant.Copy !req
268. Okay, okay, that's good. Now,
we're done with the dookie talk, right?Copy !req
269. - A dookie plant...
- No.Copy !req
270. that reaches towards the sky.Copy !req
271. Ahh.Copy !req
272. - Hey, Sed.
- Yeah, Levi?Copy !req
273. Maybe if my dookie
can make it out of the hood...Copy !req
274. Maybe we can too.Copy !req
275. Huh.Copy !req
276. Maybe.Copy !req
277. Maybe, Levi.Copy !req
278. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
279. Here's what we gonna do.
Here's what we gonna do.Copy !req
280. All right, Dr. King
talked about, um, uh,Copy !req
281. all the races coming together,
right? Right?Copy !req
282. So what I want every negro
to do here todayCopy !req
283. is find the nearest white person
and give 'em a hug.Copy !req
284. Just... just give 'em
a hug, okay?Copy !req
285. No, sir,
you're not being attacked.Copy !req
286. You're not being attacked.
You're being hugged, okay?Copy !req
287. Everybody take it easy here, okay?
Everybody relax.Copy !req
288. You know what? We don't need 10 negroes
hugging one white person, okay?Copy !req
289. Let's just... let's...
You know, that's the new rule.Copy !req
290. Not ten on one.
One on one.Copy !req
291. So we'll just take turns
and everything, okay?Copy !req
292. So everybody relax, okay?Copy !req
293. Oh, my Goodness.
Sir, she doesn't need to be defended.Copy !req
294. She doesn't need to be defended.
She's okay. She's okay, okay?Copy !req
295. All right, ma'am... okay...Copy !req
296. Officer,
is that necessary?Copy !req
297. I don't think
that's necessary, officer.Copy !req
298. Everyone take it easy,
all right?Copy !req
299. They're just hugs.
You're not being attacked.Copy !req
300. Sometimes it's very difficult
to get black people,Copy !req
301. especially black men, to laugh.Copy !req
302. They are begrudging
laughers.Copy !req
303. Black dudes be... Look...
they'll be looking at us like,Copy !req
304. "Nah, see, nah, this ain't gonna
be funny. This ain't gonna be funny."Copy !req
305. - We'll do something stupid...
- ... that really crack 'em up.Copy !req
306. These mothers go,
"Psh, you stupid."Copy !req
307. "This is stupid."Copy !req
308. "You bein' stupid.
You bein' stupid."Copy !req
309. "Nah, man."Copy !req
310. "Y'all bein' stupid right now."Copy !req
311. "nah, that's stupid, man. Nah."Copy !req
312. - "I ain't laughing."
- "Y'all stupid."Copy !req
313. - "I ain't laughing."
- "This thing is stupid."Copy !req
314. "Nah, nah, that ain't funny.
I ain't laughing at."Copy !req
315. - "Dog, that's stupid."
- "Nah, nah."Copy !req
316. - "That's stupid!"
- "That's stupid as Hell.Copy !req
317. "That's stupid as Hell.
No, no, no.Copy !req
318. "No, these s retarded.
These s retarded."Copy !req
319. I think sisters
are actually harder.Copy !req
320. Sisters talk about, ain't
my job to laugh. It's your job to..."Copy !req
321. "make me laugh."Copy !req
322. White people laugh a certain way,
which is, like, too hard.Copy !req
323. - Too hard, yeah.
- Just too hard.Copy !req
324. It's a little too earnest, yes, yeah.
It's a little onomatopoetic.Copy !req
325. We do not need to be able
to spell your laughter.Copy !req
326. - We don't want to.
- Please don't do that.Copy !req
327. "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho."
Don't do it.Copy !req
328. Yeah, we... we don't need you
to be laughing like,Copy !req
329. "Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha."Copy !req
330. No Mitt Romney
laughter here tonight.Copy !req
331. - Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
332. Now, first off, I would like
to once again introduceCopy !req
333. my anger translator, Luther.Copy !req
334. Hi!Copy !req
335. Now, in the spirit of democracy,
I would like to take a momentCopy !req
336. to address my opponent,
Mitt Romney.Copy !req
337. Ooh, I been waiting for this.Copy !req
338. Oh, boy,
I been waiting for this.Copy !req
339. Wassup, Mitt?
Ta-tai!Copy !req
340. Governor Romney
and I have different ideasCopy !req
341. on how to best help
the American people.Copy !req
342. I saved the auto industry.Copy !req
343. You wanna give tax breaks
to millionaires.Copy !req
344. I killed osama bin laden,Copy !req
345. And you strapped a dog
to the top of your car.Copy !req
346. Now, let's see.
Who's better for the country?Copy !req
347. I look forward to a fruitful
and healthy debateCopy !req
348. On the affordable care act.Copy !req
349. And since you already did it
in Massachusetts,Copy !req
350. It's gonna be real interesting
to watch your flip-floppin' assCopy !req
351. argue me on that now!
Sa-si-san!Copy !req
352. But I also look forward to other ways
to articulate our differences.Copy !req
353. I'm like the mother
love childCopy !req
354. of the Old Spice guy
and the Dos Equis dude,Copy !req
355. and you are literallyCopy !req
356. the boringest,
whitest man alive today.Copy !req
357. I know that we will conduct
professional campaigns,Copy !req
358. That we will be respectful
to one another's personal lives,Copy !req
359. families, and religion.Copy !req
360. Oh, man, come on.Copy !req
361. I still gotta explain to half
the country that I'm not a Muslim,Copy !req
362. But it's still off limits
to talk aboutCopy !req
363. your mormon ass wearing
magic underwearCopy !req
364. and believing Jesus came down
and did some in Pennsylvania?Copy !req
365. - All right now, Luther.
- I mean, come on, man!Copy !req
366. I mean,
this is some craziness!Copy !req
367. - Luther!
- This be.. yes.Copy !req
368. Luther, Pennsylvania is a swing state.
Let's take it down a notch.Copy !req
369. Yeah, okay.
Come on, Luther.Copy !req
370. Man, why you always gotta
cross the line, man?Copy !req
371. I believe
the American people will seeCopy !req
372. that I've made their lives
better in the past four years.Copy !req
373. Americans would all be riding these
if I hadn't saved the auto industry.Copy !req
374. I'm also confident
that the American peopleCopy !req
375. will make the choice
that will best help themCopy !req
376. and best help our path
to the future.Copy !req
377. Y'all know
I'm winning this!Copy !req
378. - Thank you,
and good night.Copy !req
379. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
380. I love it.
I love playing Luther.Copy !req
381. - You do, huh?
- It's my favorite part.Copy !req
382. Well, any excuse you can get
to... to...Copy !req
383. Yeah, I get to use
one of those... Oh, swa!Copy !req
384. Nope, um,
just almost ripped my taint.Copy !req
385. - Okay. Thank you guys.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
386. - You have a good night.
- Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
387. Oh, yeah.Copy !req