1. The one who plays Jamie
is not English.Copy !req
2. He's not.Copy !req
3. I don't know what nationality he is,
but he's definitely not English.Copy !req
4. That's amazing.Copy !req
5. Whoa!Copy !req
6. Come on, Max, no.
Bad dog, bad.Copy !req
7. I'm so sorry.
I just rescued him from a shelter.Copy !req
8. He seems to get really aggressive
towards peopleCopy !req
9. with darker-colored skin.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
10. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
11. Yeah, I guess you never know
what they've been throughCopy !req
12. before you get them.Copy !req
13. Yeah, we don't think
that your dog's racist.Copy !req
14. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
15. Whoo!Copy !req
16. Welcome!Copy !req
17. Oh, my God. Thank you
so much for coming out.Copy !req
18. - I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.Copy !req
19. And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
20. So thank you.Copy !req
21. Um...Copy !req
22. That... that, uh...
just if you were wondering,Copy !req
23. - That was a racist dog.
- Actual racist dog.Copy !req
24. The dog was actually racist.Copy !req
25. Came to the set
with its own hood.Copy !req
26. Yes. He just...
he slipped right into it.Copy !req
27. - It was crazy.
- I wanted to say to that dog so badCopy !req
28. like, "you know you have
brown spots on you?Copy !req
29. "You know that?
You know that?"Copy !req
30. It was weird. He came...
He was Method, you know,Copy !req
31. He pissed
on my leg immediately.Copy !req
32. I'm telling you...Copy !req
33. He thought I was trying
to steal his bone.Copy !req
34. Yeah, it was...Copy !req
35. But it was... That Jack Russell
was actually the dog from The Artist.Copy !req
36. - Mm-hmm, that's right.
- So, he's the most famous racist dog.Copy !req
37. He's the Mel Gibson of dogs.
That's who he was.Copy !req
38. That's right. That's right.Copy !req
39. Do you guys
know dubstep music?Copy !req
40. Yeah.Copy !req
41. So dubstep music is...
Is it music?Copy !req
42. It's not quite mu...
I-I...Copy !req
43. When I introduced it to you,Copy !req
44. - Yeah.
- I-I thought it blew your mind.Copy !req
45. You did blow my mind, because
I thought I was listening to a song,Copy !req
46. And then an alien communiqué
took place in the middle of the song.Copy !req
47. If you don't know what dubstep is,
it's like this.Copy !req
48. It always... It starts off,
and it's like,Copy !req
49. And then a ...
a dubstep fan will always go,Copy !req
50. "Dude, wait for it."Copy !req
51. - You can't rap to dubstep.
- You can't. No, you can't.Copy !req
52. So I have finished the kitchen.Copy !req
53. I have finished my bedroom.
I have finished the office.Copy !req
54. And I'm just wrapping up
the living room.Copy !req
55. - Okay.
- So yeah.Copy !req
56. - I'll get pack-a-lackin'.
- I love it. I love it.Copy !req
57. - Mind if I put on some music?
- I do not. I do not.Copy !req
58. All right. I got this new dubstep.Copy !req
59. Uh, dubste... What is that?
I don't know what that is.Copy !req
60. - Oh, dude, you're gonna love it.
- Oh, cool. Cool, man.Copy !req
61. Ooh, I like this.Copy !req
62. - Wait for the drop.
- I'm sorry, "the drop"?Copy !req
63. - What is happening?
- What?Copy !req
64. - What is this?
- I can't hear you!Copy !req
65. - What is that?
- The music?Copy !req
66. - I'm sorry, is that music?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
67. Dude, that's the dubstep, man.
That's my jam.Copy !req
68. Well, it's... it's a little, uh,
loud and disorienting.Copy !req
69. And, you know, you're being
a little rough with my things.Copy !req
70. Rough with...?
Dude, your stuff is fine.Copy !req
71. - Why am I sweating so much?
- Because you're feelin' it.Copy !req
72. - Is that a good thing?
- Yes!Copy !req
73. Come on, man.
Just give it another shot.Copy !req
74. Okay. Okay.
I will.Copy !req
75. Whoa, dude!
You're totally jacking my flow up.Copy !req
76. Dude, your nose is bleeding,
and so is mine.Copy !req
77. Awesome.Copy !req
78. It doesn't really seem
like music to me.Copy !req
79. Okay. Wow.
Wally getting a little bit old.Copy !req
80. No, don't do that.
Come on.Copy !req
81. No. Didn't realize that.
Okay.Copy !req
82. Um, yeah, what would you
rather listen to?Copy !req
83. I can hook you up with some
Hootie & The Blowfish, if that's your...Copy !req
84. - Oh, that's funny.
- Is that good?Copy !req
85. Want some Color Me Badd?Copy !req
86. You know what? Go ahead.
I don't care. I see what you're doing.Copy !req
87. Go ahead and play it. I don't care.
Because I'm not that old.Copy !req
88. I can get into it, okay? Let's just
get this stuff packed. Play it!Copy !req
89. - I think I'm getting it!
- Yeah!Copy !req
90. Ha, ha!Copy !req
91. Free at last, free at last,Copy !req
92. thank God Almighty,
we are free at last.Copy !req
93. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your next speaker,Copy !req
94. the Reverend Robert Jones.Copy !req
95. How am I s'posed to follow that?Copy !req
96. I can't.
Nobody can follow that.Copy !req
97. How am I s...Copy !req
98. I can, uh...Copy !req
99. Oh.Copy !req
100. All right.Copy !req
101. Good afternoon.
Um...Copy !req
102. That... that is the...Copy !req
103. The best speech I've ever heard
in my entire life.Copy !req
104. Ever.
I have never heard a better speech.Copy !req
105. And now,
it is my turn to speak.Copy !req
106. Huh.Copy !req
107. Who put this running order
together, right?Copy !req
108. You know, um,
Dr. King, uh,Copy !req
109. he... he actually covered a lot...
a lot of what I was gonna say.Copy !req
110. Um, you know, my...
my speech is, uh, uh...Copy !req
111. You gonna
find this funny, y'all.Copy !req
112. My speech was actually called, uh,
"A Vision for the Future."Copy !req
113. I'm not saying that Dr. King
copied my speech.Copy !req
114. I'm...Copy !req
115. No! No! No, I'm... I'm...
I'm saying I'm not saying that.Copy !req
116. I'm not saying
he tried to copy it.Copy !req
117. You... Why don't y'all listen
to what I'm s...Copy !req
118. Wow. You know what?Copy !req
119. No, come on!Copy !req
120. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. It's a joke.Copy !req
121. Did I not say it
like a joke?Copy !req
122. Ok...Copy !req
123. No?Copy !req
124. Apparently,
I have six more minutes.Copy !req
125. Hi, everybody, I'm Dave Stassen
alongside Geoff Worthing.Copy !req
126. And welcome to the annual
East/West bowl,Copy !req
127. as we get ready to watch some of
the best college players in the nationCopy !req
128. Showcase their skills
in a classic showdownCopy !req
129. between East and West.Copy !req
130. And there really
are some charactersCopy !req
131. on this year's squads,
aren't there, Geoff?Copy !req
132. That's right, Dave.
It does seemCopy !req
133. like the most
flamboyant personalitiesCopy !req
134. came to the forefront,
and they are here.Copy !req
135. Let's meet the players
from the East.Copy !req
136. D'Marcus Williums,
University of Georgia.Copy !req
137. T.J. Juckson,
Wayne State University.Copy !req
138. T'Variusness King,
Merrimack College.Copy !req
139. Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace,
University of Miami.Copy !req
140. D'Squarius Green, Jr.,
University of Notre-Dame.Copy !req
141. Ibrahim Moizoos, University
of Tennessee at ChattanoogaCopy !req
142. Jackmerius Tacktheritrix,
Michigan State University.Copy !req
143. D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde,
Coastal Carolina University.Copy !req
144. D'Jathper Probincrux the Third,Copy !req
145. Thouth Carolina Thtate
Univerthity.Copy !req
146. Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz,Copy !req
147. East Carolina University.Copy !req
148. Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar,Copy !req
149. University of Middle Tennessee.Copy !req
150. Davoin Shower-Handel,Copy !req
151. University of Southern Mississippi.Copy !req
152. Hingle McCringleberry,
Penn State University.Copy !req
153. L'Carpetron Dookmarriot,Copy !req
154. Florida Atlantic University.Copy !req
155. J'Dinkalage Morgoone,
University of South Florida.Copy !req
156. Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon,Copy !req
157. California University
of Pennsylvania.Copy !req
158. We're going to be looking
for big plays all game longCopy !req
159. from Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace.Copy !req
160. And let's not forget
the tight ends,Copy !req
161. Ibrahim Moizoos
and Hingle McCringleberry.Copy !req
162. - They've both had amazing seasons.
- That's right, Geoff.Copy !req
163. Now let's meet the players
from the west.Copy !req
164. Saggitariutt Jefferspin,
Texas A & M.Copy !req
165. D'Glester Hardunkichud,
University of Wisconsin.Copy !req
166. Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt,
Saskatchewan University.Copy !req
167. Quatro Quatro,
San Jose State University.Copy !req
168. Ozamataz Buckshank,
Stanford University.Copy !req
169. Beezer Twelve Washingbeard,
Jones College.Copy !req
170. Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter,Copy !req
171. University of Northern Arizona.Copy !req
172. X-wing @aliciousness,Copy !req
173. Missouri Western
State University.Copy !req
174. Sequester Grundelplith, M.D.,
Adams State.Copy !req
175. Scoish Velociraptor Maloish,Copy !req
176. South Dakota State University.Copy !req
177. T.J. A.J. R.J.
Backslashinfourth the Fifth,Copy !req
178. Albion College.Copy !req
179. San Diego State University.Copy !req
180. Donkey Teeth,
Boise State University.Copy !req
181. Torque...Copy !req
182. Lewith,
Nevada State...Copy !req
183. Penitentiary.Copy !req
184. The player formerly known
as mousecop,Copy !req
185. University of Missouri,
Columbia.Copy !req
186. Dan Smith, B.Y.U.Copy !req
187. There's nothing...
Hey... It... Here's the thing.Copy !req
188. - We had to do something...
- Yes, we had to.Copy !req
189. Because there's an offensive lineman
for the New York Jets...Copy !req
190. My man's name is...
D'brickashaw Ferguson.Copy !req
191. That is his real name.Copy !req
192. His mama named him
D'Brickashaw Ferguson.Copy !req
193. Someone asked her, "Where'd
his name come from, ma'am?"Copy !req
194. And she said, "it's a family name."
Bitch, it ain't no family name.Copy !req
195. That is not a family name!Copy !req
196. We ain't talking about the "Ferguson."
We talkin' about "D'Brickashaw," bitch!Copy !req
197. - Where you get that?
- D'Brickashaw.Copy !req
198. There's, like, three different nouns
in your son's first name.Copy !req
199. - Come on!
- Come on, now.Copy !req
200. Just threw letters
in a bucket, and just went...Copy !req
201. - Leodis McKelvin.
- Leodis McKelvin.Copy !req
202. What are we, in Middle Earth?
Who is this?Copy !req
203. I knew a girl... I knew... Well,
I didn't know... I didn't know her,Copy !req
204. but I knew about a girl who
went to a school back home.Copy !req
205. My girl's name was spelled
L-hyphen-A. "La-dash-A."Copy !req
206. - Mm. Mm-mm, mm-mm,
mm-mm, mm-mm.Copy !req
207. Let's see here.
Red... Red hills of Georgia.Copy !req
208. He, uh, got that out there.Copy !req
209. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
210. All right, here... Here's something...
Here's something new.Copy !req
211. Here's something brand new.Copy !req
212. How... Okay, this is off,
me talking off the top of my headCopy !req
213. here, everybody.
Uh, what...Copy !req
214. How about if we let, uh,
black people enslaveCopy !req
215. white people for...Copy !req
216. Okay, you know, that sounded a lot
better in my head before I said it.Copy !req
217. So that, uh, that wouldn't work.Copy !req
218. Is it warm?
Is anybody else warm?Copy !req
219. Whoo!Copy !req
220. I, uh, I vacuumed
my carpet the other day.Copy !req
221. A ounce of weed came out
of this mother.Copy !req
222. I have gotten high
walking into your home.Copy !req
223. - Yes.
- Simply on the...Copy !req
224. I just... I walk into his apartment.
I go straight to the refrigerator.Copy !req
225. - I just...
- That's right.Copy !req
226. Nah, nah, we're just kidding.
Just kidding. We didn't...Copy !req
227. Just kidding... I didn't
vacuum my apartment at all.Copy !req
228. Wouldn't do it.
Would never do that.Copy !req
229. Would never waste
that kind of good product...Copy !req
230. On the floor. I could just be...Copy !req
231. You have saved a lot of money not
buying vacuum cleaners in your life.Copy !req
232. I'll just be sitting, watching T.V,
talking about, "Yeah, yeah."Copy !req
233. Carpet.
That s just carpet.Copy !req
234. - This weed is mad tight, yo.
- Yeah, man, I'm super high, Dog.Copy !req
235. Ah.Copy !req
236. Hey, yo.Copy !req
237. Let me "ax" you a question
on the real.Copy !req
238. Yeah, yeah, Dog.
Yeah, go ahead, man.Copy !req
239. Hey, man,
where my dookie go?Copy !req
240. Oh.Copy !req
241. - What?
- My dookie.Copy !req
242. Where do it go?Copy !req
243. It go down in the toilet,
, you know that.Copy !req
244. Nah, man. I ain't stupid.Copy !req
245. Where do it go after that?Copy !req
246. Come on, man, quit playing.
I don't know.Copy !req
247. It... it goes down the sewer,
you know.Copy !req
248. Everybody's go down there?Copy !req
249. Yeah, everybody's dookie
goes down in the sewer.Copy !req
250. Where my dookie go after that?Copy !req
251. It washes out to the ocean.Copy !req
252. I guess.Copy !req
253. Hold up, hold up.Copy !req
254. Dolphins swim
with my dookie?Copy !req
255. I don't know, man. I mean,
I don't... I really don't know.Copy !req
256. - We're in the ocean...
- Yep.Copy !req
257. What happens to the dookie?Copy !req
258. I'm just taking a stab at...
like a wild guess, all right,Copy !req
259. that the dookie, like,
probably go up in the airCopy !req
260. and, like, evaporates and then
turns into a cloud or some.Copy !req
261. - A dookie cloud.
- Oh, this.Copy !req
262. - Everybody's dookie
mix up,Copy !req
263. goes up into a cloud,
and then it rains down.Copy !req
264. That's gangsta.Copy !req
265. I just... Can we stop talking
about dookie right now?Copy !req
266. I just thought of something.Copy !req
267. Yes? What is it?
What is it, Levi?Copy !req
268. The pieces of my dookie...Copy !req
269. - Yep?
- ... falls on the ground...Copy !req
270. - That's true, yep.Copy !req
271. and becomes a plant.Copy !req
272. Okay, okay, that's good. Now,
we're done with the dookie talk, right?Copy !req
273. - A dookie plant...
- No.Copy !req
274. that reaches towards the sky.Copy !req
275. Ahh.Copy !req
276. - Hey, Sed.
- Yeah, Levi?Copy !req
277. Maybe if my dookie
can make it out of the hood...Copy !req
278. Maybe we can too.Copy !req
279. Huh.Copy !req
280. Maybe.Copy !req
281. Maybe, Levi.Copy !req
282. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
283. Here's what we gonna do.
Here's what we gonna do.Copy !req
284. All right, Dr. King
talked about, um, uh,Copy !req
285. all the races coming together,
right? Right?Copy !req
286. So what I want every negro
to do here todayCopy !req
287. is find the nearest white person
and give 'em a hug.Copy !req
288. Just... just give 'em
a hug, okay?Copy !req
289. No, sir,
you're not being attacked.Copy !req
290. You're not being attacked.
You're being hugged, okay?Copy !req
291. Everybody take it easy here, okay?
Everybody relax.Copy !req
292. You know what? We don't need 10 negroes
hugging one white person, okay?Copy !req
293. Let's just... let's...
You know, that's the new rule.Copy !req
294. Not ten on one.
One on one.Copy !req
295. So we'll just take turns
and everything, okay?Copy !req
296. So everybody relax, okay?Copy !req
297. Oh, my Goodness.
Sir, she doesn't need to be defended.Copy !req
298. She doesn't need to be defended.
She's okay. She's okay, okay?Copy !req
299. All right, ma'am... okay...Copy !req
300. Officer,
is that necessary?Copy !req
301. I don't think
that's necessary, officer.Copy !req
302. No ma'am! Please!Copy !req
303. Please take it easy sir!Copy !req
304. Everyone take it easy,
all right?Copy !req
305. They're just hugs.
You're not being attacked.Copy !req
306. Sometimes it's very difficult
to get black people,Copy !req
307. especially black men, to laugh.Copy !req
308. They are begrudging
laughers.Copy !req
309. Black dudes be... Look...
they'll be looking at us like,Copy !req
310. "Nah, see, nah, this ain't gonna
be funny. This ain't gonna be funny."Copy !req
311. - We'll do something stupid...
- ... that really crack 'em up.Copy !req
312. These mothers go,
"Psh, you stupid."Copy !req
313. "This is stupid."Copy !req
314. "You bein' stupid.
You bein' stupid."Copy !req
315. "Nah, man."Copy !req
316. "Y'all bein' stupid right now."Copy !req
317. "nah, that's stupid, man. Nah."Copy !req
318. - "I ain't laughing."
- "Y'all stupid."Copy !req
319. - "I ain't laughing."
- "This thing is stupid."Copy !req
320. "Nah, nah, that ain't funny.
I ain't laughing at."Copy !req
321. - "Dog, that's stupid."
- "Nah, nah."Copy !req
322. - "That's stupid!"
- "That's stupid as Hell.Copy !req
323. "That's stupid as Hell.
No, no, no.Copy !req
324. "No, these s retarded.
These s retarded."Copy !req
325. I think sisters
are actually harder.Copy !req
326. Sisters talk about, ain't
my job to laugh. It's your job to..."Copy !req
327. "make me laugh."Copy !req
328. White people laugh a certain way,
which is, like, too hard.Copy !req
329. - Too hard, yeah.
- Just too hard.Copy !req
330. It's a little too earnest, yes, yeah.
It's a little onomatopoetic.Copy !req
331. We do not need to be able
to spell your laughter.Copy !req
332. - We don't want to.
- Please don't do that.Copy !req
333. "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho."
Don't do it.Copy !req
334. Yeah, we... we don't need you
to be laughing like,Copy !req
335. "Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha."Copy !req
336. No Mitt Romney
laughter here tonight.Copy !req
337. - Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
338. Now, first off, I would like
to once again introduceCopy !req
339. my anger translator, Luther.Copy !req
340. Hi!Copy !req
341. Now, in the spirit of democracy,
I would like to take a momentCopy !req
342. to address my opponent,
Mitt Romney.Copy !req
343. Ooh, I been waiting for this.Copy !req
344. Oh, boy,
I been waiting for this.Copy !req
345. Wassup, Mitt?
Ta-tai!Copy !req
346. Governor Romney
and I have different ideasCopy !req
347. on how to best help
the American people.Copy !req
348. I saved the auto industry.Copy !req
349. You wanna give tax breaks
to millionaires.Copy !req
350. I killed osama bin laden,Copy !req
351. And you strapped a dog
to the top of your car.Copy !req
352. Now, let's see.
Who's better for the country?Copy !req
353. I look forward to a fruitful
and healthy debateCopy !req
354. On the affordable care act.Copy !req
355. And since you already did it
in Massachusetts,Copy !req
356. It's gonna be real interesting
to watch your flip-floppin' assCopy !req
357. argue me on that now!
Sa-si-san!Copy !req
358. But I also look forward to other ways
to articulate our differences.Copy !req
359. I'm like the mother
love childCopy !req
360. of the Old Spice guy
and the Dos Equis dude,Copy !req
361. and you are literallyCopy !req
362. the boringest,
whitest man alive today.Copy !req
363. I know that we will conduct
professional campaigns,Copy !req
364. That we will be respectful
to one another's personal lives,Copy !req
365. families, and religion.Copy !req
366. Oh, man, come on.Copy !req
367. I still gotta explain to half
the country that I'm not a Muslim,Copy !req
368. But it's still off limits
to talk aboutCopy !req
369. your mormon ass wearing
magic underwearCopy !req
370. and believing Jesus came down
and did some in Pennsylvania?Copy !req
371. - All right now, Luther.
- I mean, come on, man!Copy !req
372. I mean,
this is some craziness!Copy !req
373. - Luther!
- This be.. yes.Copy !req
374. Luther, Pennsylvania is a swing state.
Let's take it down a notch.Copy !req
375. Yeah, okay.
Come on, Luther.Copy !req
376. Man, why you always gotta
cross the line, man?Copy !req
377. I believe
the American people will seeCopy !req
378. that I've made their lives
better in the past four years.Copy !req
379. Americans would all be riding these
if I hadn't saved the auto industry.Copy !req
380. I'm also confident
that the American peopleCopy !req
381. will make the choice
that will best help themCopy !req
382. and best help our path
to the future.Copy !req
383. Y'all know
I'm winning this!Copy !req
384. - Thank you,
and good night.Copy !req
385. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
386. I love it.
I love playing Luther.Copy !req
387. - You do, huh?
- It's my favorite part.Copy !req
388. Well, any excuse you can get
to... to...Copy !req
389. Yeah, I get to use
one of those... Oh, swa!Copy !req
390. Nope, um,
just almost ripped my taint.Copy !req
391. - Okay. Thank you guys.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
392. - You have a good night.
- Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
393. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
394. Oh, yeah.Copy !req