1. The one who plays Jamie
is not English.Copy !req
2. He's not.Copy !req
3. I don't know what nationality he is,
but he's definitely not English.Copy !req
4. That's amazing.Copy !req
5. Whoa!Copy !req
6. Come on, Max, no.
Bad dog, bad.Copy !req
7. I'm so sorry.
I just rescued him from a shelter.Copy !req
8. He seems to get really aggressive
towards peopleCopy !req
9. with darker-colored skin.
I'm so sorry.Copy !req
10. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
11. Yeah, I guess you never know
what they've been throughCopy !req
12. before you get them.Copy !req
13. Yeah, we don't think
that your dog's racist.Copy !req
14. Sync & corrections: dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
15. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
16. Whoo!Copy !req
17. Welcome!Copy !req
18. Oh, my God. Thank you
so much for coming out.Copy !req
19. - I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.Copy !req
20. And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
21. So thank you.Copy !req
22. Um...Copy !req
23. That... that, uh...
just if you were wondering,Copy !req
24. - That was a racist dog.
- Actual racist dog.Copy !req
25. The dog was actually racist.Copy !req
26. Came to the set
with its own hood.Copy !req
27. Yes. He just...
he slipped right into it.Copy !req
28. - It was crazy.
- I wanted to say to that dog so badCopy !req
29. like, "you know you have
brown spots on you?Copy !req
30. "You know that?
You know that?"Copy !req
31. It was weird. He came...
He was Method, you know,Copy !req
32. He pissed
on my leg immediately.Copy !req
33. I'm telling you...Copy !req
34. He thought I was trying
to steal his bone.Copy !req
35. Yeah, it was...Copy !req
36. But it was... That Jack Russell
was actually the dog from The Artist.Copy !req
37. - Mm-hmm, that's right.
- So, he's the most famous racist dog.Copy !req
38. He's the Mel Gibson of dogs.
That's who he was.Copy !req
39. That's right. That's right.Copy !req
40. Do you guys
know dubstep music?Copy !req
41. Yeah.Copy !req
42. So dubstep music is...
Is it music?Copy !req
43. It's not quite mu...
I-I...Copy !req
44. When I introduced it to you,Copy !req
45. - Yeah.
- I-I thought it blew your mind.Copy !req
46. You did blow my mind, because
I thought I was listening to a song,Copy !req
47. And then an alien communiqué
took place in the middle of the song.Copy !req
48. If you don't know what dubstep is,
it's like this.Copy !req
49. It always... It starts off,
and it's like,Copy !req
50. And then a ...
a dubstep fan will always go,Copy !req
51. "Dude, wait for it."Copy !req
52. - You can't rap to dubstep.
- You can't. No, you can't.Copy !req
53. So I have finished the kitchen.Copy !req
54. I have finished my bedroom.
I have finished the office.Copy !req
55. And I'm just wrapping up
the living room.Copy !req
56. - Okay.
- So yeah.Copy !req
57. - I'll get pack-a-lackin'.
- I love it. I love it.Copy !req
58. - Mind if I put on some music?
- I do not. I do not.Copy !req
59. All right. I got this new dubstep.Copy !req
60. Uh, dubste... What is that?
I don't know what that is.Copy !req
61. - Oh, dude, you're gonna love it.
- Oh, cool. Cool, man.Copy !req
62. Ooh, I like this.Copy !req
63. - Wait for the drop.
- I'm sorry, "the drop"?Copy !req
64. - What is happening?
- What?Copy !req
65. - What is this?
- I can't hear you!Copy !req
66. - What is that?
- The music?Copy !req
67. - I'm sorry, is that music?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
68. Dude, that's the dubstep, man.
That's my jam.Copy !req
69. Well, it's... it's a little, uh,
loud and disorienting.Copy !req
70. And, you know, you're being
a little rough with my things.Copy !req
71. Rough with...?
Dude, your stuff is fine.Copy !req
72. - Why am I sweating so much?
- Because you're feelin' it.Copy !req
73. - Is that a good thing?
- Yes!Copy !req
74. Come on, man.
Just give it another shot.Copy !req
75. Okay. Okay.
I will.Copy !req
76. Whoa, dude!
You're totally jacking my flow up.Copy !req
77. Dude, your nose is bleeding,
and so is mine.Copy !req
78. Awesome.Copy !req
79. It doesn't really seem
like music to me.Copy !req
80. Okay. Wow.
Wally getting a little bit old.Copy !req
81. No, don't do that.
Come on.Copy !req
82. No. Didn't realize that.
Okay.Copy !req
83. Um, yeah, what would you
rather listen to?Copy !req
84. I can hook you up with some
Hootie & The Blowfish, if that's your...Copy !req
85. - Oh, that's funny.
- Is that good?Copy !req
86. Want some Color Me Badd?Copy !req
87. You know what? Go ahead.
I don't care. I see what you're doing.Copy !req
88. Go ahead and play it. I don't care.
Because I'm not that old.Copy !req
89. I can get into it, okay? Let's just
get this stuff packed. Play it!Copy !req
90. - I think I'm getting it!
- Yeah!Copy !req
91. Ha, ha!Copy !req
92. Free at last, free at last,Copy !req
93. thank God Almighty,
we are free at last.Copy !req
94. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your next speaker,Copy !req
95. the Reverend Robert Jones.Copy !req
96. How am I s'posed to follow that?Copy !req
97. I can't.
Nobody can follow that.Copy !req
98. How am I s...Copy !req
99. I can, uh...Copy !req
100. Oh.Copy !req
101. All right.Copy !req
102. Good afternoon.
Um...Copy !req
103. That... that is the...Copy !req
104. The best speech I've ever heard
in my entire life.Copy !req
105. Ever.
I have never heard a better speech.Copy !req
106. And now,
it is my turn to speak.Copy !req
107. Huh.Copy !req
108. Who put this running order
together, right?Copy !req
109. You know, um,
Dr. King, uh,Copy !req
110. he... he actually covered a lot...
a lot of what I was gonna say.Copy !req
111. Um, you know, my...
my speech is, uh, uh...Copy !req
112. You gonna
find this funny, y'all.Copy !req
113. My speech was actually called, uh,
"A Vision for the Future."Copy !req
114. I'm not saying that Dr. King
copied my speech.Copy !req
115. I'm...Copy !req
116. No! No! No, I'm... I'm...
I'm saying I'm not saying that.Copy !req
117. I'm not saying
he tried to copy it.Copy !req
118. You... Why don't y'all listen
to what I'm s...Copy !req
119. Wow. You know what?Copy !req
120. No, come on!Copy !req
121. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. It's a joke.Copy !req
122. Did I not say it
like a joke?Copy !req
123. Ok...Copy !req
124. No?Copy !req
125. Apparently,
I have six more minutes.Copy !req
126. Hi, everybody, I'm Dave Stassen
alongside Geoff Worthing.Copy !req
127. And welcome to the annual
East/West bowl,Copy !req
128. as we get ready to watch some of
the best college players in the nationCopy !req
129. Showcase their skills
in a classic showdownCopy !req
130. between East and West.Copy !req
131. And there really
are some charactersCopy !req
132. on this year's squads,
aren't there, Geoff?Copy !req
133. That's right, Dave.
It does seemCopy !req
134. like the most
flamboyant personalitiesCopy !req
135. came to the forefront,
and they are here.Copy !req
136. Let's meet the players
from the East.Copy !req
137. D'Marcus Williums,
University of Georgia.Copy !req
138. T.J. Juckson,
Wayne State University.Copy !req
139. T'Variusness King,
Merrimack College.Copy !req
140. Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace,
University of Miami.Copy !req
141. D'Squarius Green, Jr.,
University of Notre-Dame.Copy !req
142. Ibrahim Moizoos, University
of Tennessee at ChattanoogaCopy !req
143. Jackmerius Tacktheritrix,
Michigan State University.Copy !req
144. D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde,
Coastal Carolina University.Copy !req
145. D'Jathper Probincrux the Third,Copy !req
146. Thouth Carolina Thtate
Univerthity.Copy !req
147. Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz,Copy !req
148. East Carolina University.Copy !req
149. Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar,Copy !req
150. University of Middle Tennessee.Copy !req
151. Davoin Shower-Handel,Copy !req
152. University of Southern Mississippi.Copy !req
153. Hingle McCringleberry,
Penn State University.Copy !req
154. L'Carpetron Dookmarriot,Copy !req
155. Florida Atlantic University.Copy !req
156. J'Dinkalage Morgoone,
University of South Florida.Copy !req
157. Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon,Copy !req
158. California University
of Pennsylvania.Copy !req
159. We're going to be looking
for big plays all game longCopy !req
160. from Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace.Copy !req
161. And let's not forget
the tight ends,Copy !req
162. Ibrahim Moizoos
and Hingle McCringleberry.Copy !req
163. - They've both had amazing seasons.
- That's right, Geoff.Copy !req
164. Now let's meet the players
from the west.Copy !req
165. Saggitariutt Jefferspin,
Texas A & M.Copy !req
166. D'Glester Hardunkichud,
University of Wisconsin.Copy !req
167. Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt,
Saskatchewan University.Copy !req
168. Quatro Quatro,
San Jose State University.Copy !req
169. Ozamataz Buckshank,
Stanford University.Copy !req
170. Beezer Twelve Washingbeard,
Jones College.Copy !req
171. Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter,Copy !req
172. University of Northern Arizona.Copy !req
173. X-wing @aliciousness,Copy !req
174. Missouri Western
State University.Copy !req
175. Sequester Grundelplith, M.D.,
Adams State.Copy !req
176. Scoish Velociraptor Maloish,Copy !req
177. South Dakota State University.Copy !req
178. T.J. A.J. R.J.
Backslashinfourth the Fifth,Copy !req
179. Albion College.Copy !req
180. San Diego State University.Copy !req
181. Donkey Teeth,
Boise State University.Copy !req
182. Torque...Copy !req
183. Lewith,
Nevada State...Copy !req
184. Penitentiary.Copy !req
185. The player formerly known
as mousecop,Copy !req
186. University of Missouri,
Columbia.Copy !req
187. Dan Smith, B.Y.U.Copy !req
188. There's nothing...
Hey... It... Here's the thing.Copy !req
189. - We had to do something...
- Yes, we had to.Copy !req
190. Because there's an offensive lineman
for the New York Jets...Copy !req
191. My man's name is...
D'brickashaw Ferguson.Copy !req
192. That is his real name.Copy !req
193. His mama named him
D'Brickashaw Ferguson.Copy !req
194. Someone asked her, "Where'd
his name come from, ma'am?"Copy !req
195. And she said, "it's a family name."
Bitch, it ain't no family name.Copy !req
196. That is not a family name!Copy !req
197. We ain't talking about the "Ferguson."
We talkin' about "D'Brickashaw," bitch!Copy !req
198. - Where you get that?
- D'Brickashaw.Copy !req
199. There's, like, three different nouns
in your son's first name.Copy !req
200. - Come on!
- Come on, now.Copy !req
201. Just threw letters
in a bucket, and just went...Copy !req
202. - Leodis McKelvin.
- Leodis McKelvin.Copy !req
203. What are we, in Middle Earth?
Who is this?Copy !req
204. I knew a girl... I knew... Well,
I didn't know... I didn't know her,Copy !req
205. but I knew about a girl who
went to a school back home.Copy !req
206. My girl's name was spelled
L-hyphen-A. "La-dash-A."Copy !req
207. - Mm. Mm-mm, mm-mm,
mm-mm, mm-mm.Copy !req
208. Let's see here.
Red... Red hills of Georgia.Copy !req
209. He, uh, got that out there.Copy !req
210. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
211. All right, here... Here's something...
Here's something new.Copy !req
212. Here's something brand new.Copy !req
213. How... Okay, this is off,
me talking off the top of my headCopy !req
214. here, everybody.
Uh, what...Copy !req
215. How about if we let, uh,
black people enslaveCopy !req
216. white people for...Copy !req
217. Okay, you know, that sounded a lot
better in my head before I said it.Copy !req
218. So that, uh, that wouldn't work.Copy !req
219. Is it warm?
Is anybody else warm?Copy !req
220. Whoo!Copy !req
221. I, uh, I vacuumed
my carpet the other day.Copy !req
222. A ounce of weed came out
of this mother.Copy !req
223. I have gotten high
walking into your home.Copy !req
224. - Yes.
- Simply on the...Copy !req
225. I just... I walk into his apartment.
I go straight to the refrigerator.Copy !req
226. - I just...
- That's right.Copy !req
227. Nah, nah, we're just kidding.
Just kidding. We didn't...Copy !req
228. Just kidding... I didn't
vacuum my apartment at all.Copy !req
229. Wouldn't do it.
Would never do that.Copy !req
230. Would never waste
that kind of good product...Copy !req
231. On the floor. I could just be...Copy !req
232. You have saved a lot of money not
buying vacuum cleaners in your life.Copy !req
233. I'll just be sitting, watching T.V,
talking about, "Yeah, yeah."Copy !req
234. Carpet.
That s just carpet.Copy !req
235. - This weed is mad tight, yo.
- Yeah, man, I'm super high, Dog.Copy !req
236. Ah.Copy !req
237. Hey, yo.Copy !req
238. Let me "ax" you a question
on the real.Copy !req
239. Yeah, yeah, Dog.
Yeah, go ahead, man.Copy !req
240. Hey, man,
where my dookie go?Copy !req
241. Oh.Copy !req
242. - What?
- My dookie.Copy !req
243. Where do it go?Copy !req
244. It go down in the toilet,
, you know that.Copy !req
245. Nah, man. I ain't stupid.Copy !req
246. Where do it go after that?Copy !req
247. Come on, man, quit playing.
I don't know.Copy !req
248. It... it goes down the sewer,
you know.Copy !req
249. Everybody's go down there?Copy !req
250. Yeah, everybody's dookie
goes down in the sewer.Copy !req
251. Where my dookie go after that?Copy !req
252. It washes out to the ocean.Copy !req
253. I guess.Copy !req
254. Hold up, hold up.Copy !req
255. Dolphins swim
with my dookie?Copy !req
256. I don't know, man. I mean,
I don't... I really don't know.Copy !req
257. - We're in the ocean...
- Yep.Copy !req
258. What happens to the dookie?Copy !req
259. I'm just taking a stab at...
like a wild guess, all right,Copy !req
260. that the dookie, like,
probably go up in the airCopy !req
261. and, like, evaporates and then
turns into a cloud or some.Copy !req
262. - A dookie cloud.
- Oh, this.Copy !req
263. - Everybody's dookie
mix up,Copy !req
264. goes up into a cloud,
and then it rains down.Copy !req
265. That's gangsta.Copy !req
266. I just... Can we stop talking
about dookie right now?Copy !req
267. I just thought of something.Copy !req
268. Yes? What is it?
What is it, Levi?Copy !req
269. The pieces of my dookie...Copy !req
270. - Yep?
- ... falls on the ground...Copy !req
271. - That's true, yep.Copy !req
272. and becomes a plant.Copy !req
273. Okay, okay, that's good. Now,
we're done with the dookie talk, right?Copy !req
274. - A dookie plant...
- No.Copy !req
275. that reaches towards the sky.Copy !req
276. Ahh.Copy !req
277. - Hey, Sed.
- Yeah, Levi?Copy !req
278. Maybe if my dookie
can make it out of the hood...Copy !req
279. Maybe we can too.Copy !req
280. Huh.Copy !req
281. Maybe.Copy !req
282. Maybe, Levi.Copy !req
283. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
284. Here's what we gonna do.
Here's what we gonna do.Copy !req
285. All right, Dr. King
talked about, um, uh,Copy !req
286. all the races coming together,
right? Right?Copy !req
287. So what I want every negro
to do here todayCopy !req
288. is find the nearest white person
and give 'em a hug.Copy !req
289. Just... just give 'em
a hug, okay?Copy !req
290. No, sir,
you're not being attacked.Copy !req
291. You're not being attacked.
You're being hugged, okay?Copy !req
292. Everybody take it easy here, okay?
Everybody relax.Copy !req
293. You know what? We don't need 10 negroes
hugging one white person, okay?Copy !req
294. Let's just... let's...
You know, that's the new rule.Copy !req
295. Not ten on one.
One on one.Copy !req
296. So we'll just take turns
and everything, okay?Copy !req
297. So everybody relax, okay?Copy !req
298. Oh, my Goodness.
Sir, she doesn't need to be defended.Copy !req
299. She doesn't need to be defended.
She's okay. She's okay, okay?Copy !req
300. All right, ma'am... okay...Copy !req
301. Officer,
is that necessary?Copy !req
302. I don't think
that's necessary, officer.Copy !req
303. No ma'am! Please!Copy !req
304. Please take it easy sir!Copy !req
305. Everyone take it easy,
all right?Copy !req
306. They're just hugs.
You're not being attacked.Copy !req
307. Sometimes it's very difficult
to get black people,Copy !req
308. especially black men, to laugh.Copy !req
309. They are begrudging
laughers.Copy !req
310. Black dudes be... Look...
they'll be looking at us like,Copy !req
311. "Nah, see, nah, this ain't gonna
be funny. This ain't gonna be funny."Copy !req
312. - We'll do something stupid...
- ... that really crack 'em up.Copy !req
313. These mothers go,
"Psh, you stupid."Copy !req
314. "This is stupid."Copy !req
315. "You bein' stupid.
You bein' stupid."Copy !req
316. "Nah, man."Copy !req
317. "Y'all bein' stupid right now."Copy !req
318. "nah, that's stupid, man. Nah."Copy !req
319. - "I ain't laughing."
- "Y'all stupid."Copy !req
320. - "I ain't laughing."
- "This thing is stupid."Copy !req
321. "Nah, nah, that ain't funny.
I ain't laughing at."Copy !req
322. - "Dog, that's stupid."
- "Nah, nah."Copy !req
323. - "That's stupid!"
- "That's stupid as Hell.Copy !req
324. "That's stupid as Hell.
No, no, no.Copy !req
325. "No, these s retarded.
These s retarded."Copy !req
326. I think sisters
are actually harder.Copy !req
327. Sisters talk about, ain't
my job to laugh. It's your job to..."Copy !req
328. "make me laugh."Copy !req
329. White people laugh a certain way,
which is, like, too hard.Copy !req
330. - Too hard, yeah.
- Just too hard.Copy !req
331. It's a little too earnest, yes, yeah.
It's a little onomatopoetic.Copy !req
332. We do not need to be able
to spell your laughter.Copy !req
333. - We don't want to.
- Please don't do that.Copy !req
334. "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho."
Don't do it.Copy !req
335. Yeah, we... we don't need you
to be laughing like,Copy !req
336. "Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha."Copy !req
337. No Mitt Romney
laughter here tonight.Copy !req
338. - Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
339. Now, first off, I would like
to once again introduceCopy !req
340. my anger translator, Luther.Copy !req
341. Hi!Copy !req
342. Now, in the spirit of democracy,
I would like to take a momentCopy !req
343. to address my opponent,
Mitt Romney.Copy !req
344. Ooh, I been waiting for this.Copy !req
345. Oh, boy,
I been waiting for this.Copy !req
346. Wassup, Mitt?
Ta-tai!Copy !req
347. Governor Romney
and I have different ideasCopy !req
348. on how to best help
the American people.Copy !req
349. I saved the auto industry.Copy !req
350. You wanna give tax breaks
to millionaires.Copy !req
351. I killed osama bin laden,Copy !req
352. And you strapped a dog
to the top of your car.Copy !req
353. Now, let's see.
Who's better for the country?Copy !req
354. I look forward to a fruitful
and healthy debateCopy !req
355. On the affordable care act.Copy !req
356. And since you already did it
in Massachusetts,Copy !req
357. It's gonna be real interesting
to watch your flip-floppin' assCopy !req
358. argue me on that now!
Sa-si-san!Copy !req
359. But I also look forward to other ways
to articulate our differences.Copy !req
360. I'm like the mother
love childCopy !req
361. of the Old Spice guy
and the Dos Equis dude,Copy !req
362. and you are literallyCopy !req
363. the boringest,
whitest man alive today.Copy !req
364. I know that we will conduct
professional campaigns,Copy !req
365. That we will be respectful
to one another's personal lives,Copy !req
366. families, and religion.Copy !req
367. Oh, man, come on.Copy !req
368. I still gotta explain to half
the country that I'm not a Muslim,Copy !req
369. But it's still off limits
to talk aboutCopy !req
370. your mormon ass wearing
magic underwearCopy !req
371. and believing Jesus came down
and did some in Pennsylvania?Copy !req
372. - All right now, Luther.
- I mean, come on, man!Copy !req
373. I mean,
this is some craziness!Copy !req
374. - Luther!
- This be.. yes.Copy !req
375. Luther, Pennsylvania is a swing state.
Let's take it down a notch.Copy !req
376. Yeah, okay.
Come on, Luther.Copy !req
377. Man, why you always gotta
cross the line, man?Copy !req
378. I believe
the American people will seeCopy !req
379. that I've made their lives
better in the past four years.Copy !req
380. Americans would all be riding these
if I hadn't saved the auto industry.Copy !req
381. I'm also confident
that the American peopleCopy !req
382. will make the choice
that will best help themCopy !req
383. and best help our path
to the future.Copy !req
384. Y'all know
I'm winning this!Copy !req
385. - Thank you,
and good night.Copy !req
386. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
387. I love it.
I love playing Luther.Copy !req
388. - You do, huh?
- It's my favorite part.Copy !req
389. Well, any excuse you can get
to... to...Copy !req
390. Yeah, I get to use
one of those... Oh, swa!Copy !req
391. Nope, um,
just almost ripped my taint.Copy !req
392. - Okay. Thank you guys.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
393. - You have a good night.
- Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
394. Sync & corrections: dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
395. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
396. Oh, yeah.Copy !req