1. There's gotta be another
human being out there.Copy !req
2. Somewhere.Copy !req
3. It's been 173 days
since the undoing.Copy !req
4. Today, I may be
the last man alive.Copy !req
5. However,
if there is another,Copy !req
6. I will find them.Copy !req
7. The loneliness
is more than I can...Copy !req
8. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
9. Yeah! Whee!Copy !req
10. Ha ha!Copy !req
11. Whoo-hoo. There you go.Copy !req
12. Ahh.
Let me get some of that.Copy !req
13. Mm. Mmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
14. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
15. That's my jam right there!Copy !req
16. Whoo!Copy !req
17. Hazzah!Copy !req
18. Wah, shakikah!
Wah, shaslikah!Copy !req
19. Ooh, y'all don't know
nothin' about that.Copy !req
20. Mm, mm.
Ptt-ptt-ptt-ptt.Copy !req
21. Oh, hey baby,
how you doing?Copy !req
22. Yeah!Copy !req
23. What,
all day, baby!Copy !req
24. Yeah!Copy !req
25. Whoa, hey!
Dude!Copy !req
26. Um, hey, I'll...
I'll come over there.Copy !req
27. Dude! Hey!Copy !req
28. I'll come to you, man.Copy !req
29. There's got to be another
human being out there...Copy !req
30. somewhere.Copy !req
31. Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
32. Resync BluRay by LeRaloufCopy !req
33. Thank you so much.Copy !req
34. - I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I am Jordan Peele.Copy !req
35. We are Key and Peele.
Welcome to the show.Copy !req
36. So, uh...Copy !req
37. - I didn't really know my father.
- Mm-hmm, yes.Copy !req
38. Didn't really know...
never really knew my father.Copy !req
39. I was raised by my mother,
single mom.Copy !req
40. - Single moms in the house!
- Single moms!Copy !req
41. Single moms are not
in the house, because they're...Copy !req
42. They're at home with
their kids... raising their kids.Copy !req
43. Thank you.
Thank you for playing anyway.Copy !req
44. They seldom...
seldom get out of the house. Sorry...Copy !req
45. Well I had one of those dads
who was, like,Copy !req
46. apparently just
one of those dudesCopy !req
47. Had about 54 children in the
span of two years, you know?Copy !req
48. - It was a Temptations thing.
- All across America?Copy !req
49. Papa was a rollin' stone.
Yes, he was.Copy !req
50. He must've just gone
on a bus tour and, like,Copy !req
51. sticked his penis
out the window, just every...Copy !req
52. every city he was in.
"There you go.Copy !req
53. "There's one of me
for you guys.Copy !req
54. "One of me for you guys.Copy !req
55. "Syracuse.Copy !req
56. - "Tampa."
- Bu... wow.Copy !req
57. That is a
hell of a lot of gas.Copy !req
58. But this, right here,
this is a hypothetical meeting.Copy !req
59. Like a hypothetical meeting
of Jordan and his father.Copy !req
60. Um, hi.
Are you Earl Peele?Copy !req
61. Who the hell want to know?Copy !req
62. I think I'm your son,
Jordan Peele.Copy !req
63. Oh, okay, I see.Copy !req
64. Come on in here for a minute.Copy !req
65. - Close the door on the way in.
- All right.Copy !req
66. All right, man, go ahead
and sit down.Copy !req
67. I'm gonna explain something
to you.Copy !req
68. Okay.Copy !req
69. I ain't your dad.Copy !req
70. All right,
I'm sorry to disappoint you,Copy !req
71. but that's
the situation, brother.Copy !req
72. Are you...
you see what's happening?Copy !req
73. - Huh?
- We're doing the same thing.Copy !req
74. I-I always do this. I always scratch
the back of my neck like thisCopy !req
75. whenever I'm in
an uncomfortable situation.Copy !req
76. Scratch my neck, man.
Everybody scratch their neck.Copy !req
77. I breathe in and out too, man.
Now everybody my kid?Copy !req
78. Okay, look at this.Copy !req
79. That's a picture of me when
I was a baby.Copy !req
80. That's my father.Copy !req
81. That ain't me.Copy !req
82. Man, look, look, man,
look at that dude's afro.Copy !req
83. Look, I got this
going on, man.Copy !req
84. My hair is gray,
he got black hair.Copy !req
85. I mean, he handsome as hell,
but I ain't nobody's daddy.Copy !req
86. I'm sorry.Copy !req
87. I've just been looking
for him everywhere.Copy !req
88. Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure you have.Copy !req
89. It's just,
I got my own TV show now.Copy !req
90. I don't know,
I just...Copy !req
91. I know that wherever he is,
he... he would be proud.Copy !req
92. Y-you got your own TV show,
huh?Copy !req
93. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
94. Yeah,
I'm producing and acting.Copy !req
95. Mm, oh, you, oh,
you producing and acting!Copy !req
96. Right, okay, yeah, that...
oh, that... that's my boy.Copy !req
97. Yeah, look at that, man,
we doing the same thing.Copy !req
98. What is that?
Holy.Copy !req
99. That's genes right there, man.
'cause you can't do thatCopy !req
100. unless you sharing mad genes
with somebody.Copy !req
101. It's got to be in your DNAs.Copy !req
102. - Oh!
- All right.Copy !req
103. - You my son.
- No.Copy !req
104. - My baby boy!
- Thanks for your time.Copy !req
105. You come back home, man.Copy !req
106. - I missed you so much, little man!
- Okay, hey, stop it.Copy !req
107. Stop... get off, get off!Copy !req
108. - Just get off... get off!
- Get off, wha... oh, hey.Copy !req
109. Oh.Copy !req
110. When I first came to your door,
you wouldn't even acknow...Copy !req
111. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
112. You know what?
When I first came in here...Copy !req
113. - I first came in here...
- Stop that!Copy !req
114. When I first came in here,
you wouldn't even acknowledgeCopy !req
115. that I could possibly
be your son.Copy !req
116. But now,
only after I tell youCopy !req
117. that I have my own show
on Comedy Central...Copy !req
118. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Comedy Central?Copy !req
119. Get the
out of my house!Copy !req
120. So, uh,Copy !req
121. Keegan and I are...
we're fans of gay people.Copy !req
122. - We love gay people.
- Our gay brothers and sisters.Copy !req
123. Yep, where are
my gay people?Copy !req
124. - In the house.
- Oh, here's...Copy !req
125. You guys need
one of these too.Copy !req
126. - There he is, okay.
- You guys need one of the...Copy !req
127. Maybe that one?Copy !req
128. You... you deserve one.Copy !req
129. You know, gay people say
you're born gay, you know, you...Copy !req
130. - It's not a choice.
- Right.Copy !req
131. I believe that, but,
you know, some... you know,Copy !req
132. you're not born gaaay!Copy !req
133. - You're not born doing that.
- That's true.Copy !req
134. You're not born doing that.Copy !req
135. That's training.Copy !req
136. That's conditioning
and training.Copy !req
137. No one was giving birth
and jazz hands came out.Copy !req
138. There was no...Copy !req
139. That doesn't happen.
You have to learn some things.Copy !req
140. Oh, man.
It doesn't.Copy !req
141. - Here, check that...
- Check this out.Copy !req
142. I'm going to be honest
with you, Samuel.Copy !req
143. Adoption can be
a long, difficult process.Copy !req
144. I'm sorry, we should
probably wait for my partner.Copy !req
145. - Okay.
- He should be here any second.Copy !req
146. We havin' a baby!Copy !req
147. Hello, Sammy.Copy !req
148. You must be LaShawn.Copy !req
149. Ooh!
You must be "LeCorrect."Copy !req
150. Okay, well, we were just discussing
your options for adoption.Copy !req
151. And how difficult it is
to actually be approved.Copy !req
152. Oh, well you can just put
us on the listCopy !req
153. with a gold star and a check
and a "A+"Copy !req
154. because we want this baby, like,
yester-doodle.Copy !req
155. Well, as I told your husband,Copy !req
156. it can be an extremely long
waiting period.Copy !req
157. Right, right. And it's even hard
for straight couples to adopt, so...Copy !req
158. Well, you tell them baby people
that we are going to beCopy !req
159. the best parents ever.Copy !req
160. Because we gonna be strict,
but also fun.Copy !req
161. Like, for instance,
everybody gonna have to clean upCopy !req
162. after Tuesday night
Dress-up Parade.Copy !req
163. I... do not know
what that is.Copy !req
164. I...Copy !req
165. Oh, every day gonna have
a different theme.Copy !req
166. - Is it?
- So, for instance,Copy !req
167. Monday, that's gonna be
"Under the Sea" day.Copy !req
168. Tuesday, that's gonna be
"Dress-up Parade."Copy !req
169. Wednesday gonna be based
on the Chinese calendar.Copy !req
170. - Okay, and you know, actually...
- And then Friday...Copy !req
171. It might be very difficult when
you actually have kids, LaShawn.Copy !req
172. Kids? Do you want
to adopt more than one child?Copy !req
173. - Absolutely not!
- Absolutely-tutely!Copy !req
174. It can speed things upCopy !req
175. if you're willing
to adopt siblings together.Copy !req
176. - Sammy, we can get a set.
- Why?Copy !req
177. - Sammy, we can get a set!
- We're not getting a set.Copy !req
178. Ooh!Copy !req
179. We could dress them up
like companion objects.Copy !req
180. Like a bat and a ball,
or a kite in the wind.Copy !req
181. See?
LaShawn gets carried away, so...Copy !req
182. If you really want
to expedite the process,Copy !req
183. you could adopt
a special needs baby.Copy !req
184. - Miss, you are killing me here!
- Yes!Copy !req
185. Yes, that's what we want.
A special needs kid,Copy !req
186. preferably one with white eyes
and can tell the future.Copy !req
187. Okay, so now we're getting
a special needs kid.Copy !req
188. Uh, LaShawn,
there's a lot of extra costCopy !req
189. When you get a disabled child,Copy !req
190. because that's what, actually,
"special needs" means.Copy !req
191. Come on. We ain't never gonna have
to worry about money again!Copy !req
192. How is that possible?Copy !req
193. 'Cause we gonna start
a family band,Copy !req
194. Called
"LaShawn and the Sam-Sations."Copy !req
195. And, ooh! How many times
can you change a child's name?Copy !req
196. Because I have this system.Copy !req
197. And it's a little bit
of an out-there idea,Copy !req
198. but I think if you really
set up a systemCopy !req
199. where if you do something good,
you get a better name.Copy !req
200. So if your name is Allister
one day,Copy !req
201. you do something good,
your name could be Popeye.Copy !req
202. And that's what
we here to say,Copy !req
203. Is that we are the New
Black Panther Party.Copy !req
204. What's the biggest problem
facing the movement?Copy !req
205. Well, you know,
we supposed to be in this eraCopy !req
206. of so-called
"post-racial harmony",Copy !req
207. with all people in America.Copy !req
208. But us blacks are being murdered
all over the place,Copy !req
209. and we get the same treatment
time and time again.Copy !req
210. We're not even
second-class citizens.Copy !req
211. We third-class.
Stand up, black America,Copy !req
212. and declare to white AmericaCopy !req
213. that we aren't gonna take this
no more, okay?Copy !req
214. - Why come out now and say this?
- You know what?Copy !req
215. You had 400 years
to get it right, America.Copy !req
216. But you don't know how
to treat your people.Copy !req
217. All people.
It's time to stand up.Copy !req
218. It's time to take back.
It's time for us to fight back.Copy !req
219. And we don't take
your phony words anymore.Copy !req
220. We're not gonna do it.
We want concrete results.Copy !req
221. You know, you... you hear
what we're saying to you,Copy !req
222. "United Snakes of America"?Copy !req
223. What are you supposed to do when
the whole world is watchingCopy !req
224. And no-one
is saying anything?Copy !req
225. We will not be silent.Copy !req
226. Okay, you, sir.
Anything you wanted to say?Copy !req
227. Oh, me?
No, I'm good.Copy !req
228. Oh, damn!Copy !req
229. Check that out.Copy !req
230. - What is that?
- Whoo!Copy !req
231. I didn't know
they made 'em like that.Copy !req
232. I don't even understand
what I'm seeing.Copy !req
233. Mm. Whoo-whoo!Copy !req
234. I would love to see
what's under there.Copy !req
235. I am really curious
about that.Copy !req
236. Yeah, dog, yeah.Copy !req
237. - I mean, I have no idea.
- Well, you know, we, uh...Copy !req
238. We obviously have some idea,
you know?Copy !req
239. I don't.Copy !req
240. Well, you know, it's, uh...
you know, it's a coochie, baby.Copy !req
241. Yeah.
Or something.Copy !req
242. Uh, no, no, no, man.Copy !req
243. It's... It's definitely
her lady parts.Copy !req
244. Or, maybe
it's just more skin.Copy !req
245. Nope.
It... it's a vagina.Copy !req
246. Yeah.Copy !req
247. Or, maybe it's
a little face under there.Copy !req
248. Uh, no.Copy !req
249. No, it's... it's
definitely gonna be a vagina.Copy !req
250. Why?Copy !req
251. Be... because she's a girl,
and girls have vaginas, man.Copy !req
252. What is that?Copy !req
253. What is a vagina?Copy !req
254. It's a woman's
reproductive organ.Copy !req
255. Wha... are you being serious
right now?Copy !req
256. Thank you.
That is all I require.Copy !req
257. Oh!Copy !req
258. There's aliens!
There's a alien down there.Copy !req
259. Something I've always enjoyed
in African American cultureCopy !req
260. - is the barbershop.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
261. The barbershop is
a very big part of our culture.Copy !req
262. I haven't been to one
in quite some time.Copy !req
263. But, um...Copy !req
264. - The black barbershop is...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
265. That's the social cent...
the core...Copy !req
266. Of a community, very often.
Certainly for the men.Copy !req
267. - Yeah.
- And what's so bad is that I wishCopy !req
268. just... I just wish other businesses
could get in on the fun.Copy !req
269. Yeah. So we sympathize with, uh,
businesses in the black communityCopy !req
270. that aren't the barbershop.Copy !req
271. The barbershop is always
the most enviable business, so...Copy !req
272. - Yes. Here we go.
- Yes, we take you here.Copy !req
273. - Hey, Uncle Ted.
- Ah!Copy !req
274. Oh, geez.
Whoo!Copy !req
275. - Sorry, Uncle Ted, man.
- Oh, Keith.Copy !req
276. - I got you, didn't I?
- Yeah, you got me, man.Copy !req
277. - You got me pretty good.
- Oh.Copy !req
278. So what's going on today?Copy !req
279. Oh, just the usual,
young buck.Copy !req
280. Just another day
at the laundromat.Copy !req
281. - Yeah.
- Why, people come in,Copy !req
282. they do their laundry,Copy !req
283. we chat it up about
some of the topics of the day.Copy !req
284. That's just another day
hanging at the 'mat.Copy !req
285. I wonder what's going on
in the barbershop today?Copy !req
286. Sure looks like
they're having fun over there.Copy !req
287. Forget all that, kid.Copy !req
288. Come on, we got
our own assortmentCopy !req
289. of colorful characters
right here in the 'mat!Copy !req
290. Come on.Copy !req
291. Hey, there.
You need any more quarters?Copy !req
292. Nope.Copy !req
293. Okay.
Okay, hilarious.Copy !req
294. Oh! Hey there,
Ms. Demetrius.Copy !req
295. You need some more quarters?Copy !req
296. Oh-ho, she didn't hear me.Copy !req
297. That's part of the problem,
Uncle Ted.Copy !req
298. You know, all that noise up in
here from the machines running,Copy !req
299. and it's kind of hot.Copy !req
300. Loud and hot?
Sound like my old lady.Copy !req
301. Billy Dee Williams
is in there now.Copy !req
302. He's Lando Calrissian.Copy !req
303. He runs Cloud City.Copy !req
304. Oh!Copy !req
305. - Yeah, baby!
- All right!Copy !req
306. But, uh, damn it, Keith!
What I tell ya?Copy !req
307. We got it going on right here
at the 'mat, baby!Copy !req
308. Uncle Ted,
I gotta tell you something.Copy !req
309. I got my own
washer and dryer months ago.Copy !req
310. I just keep hanging out hereCopy !req
311. 'cause I didn't want you
to feel bad.Copy !req
312. Oh, you didn't want me
to feel bad.Copy !req
313. Got your own washer and dryer.
All right.Copy !req
314. Oh, you're big-timing me now.
Okay, I see how it is.Copy !req
315. Hey, well,
your shirt ain't clean,Copy !req
316. Your pants ain't clean.Copy !req
317. You can't get a good wash on one
of them home washer-and-dryers.Copy !req
318. Uncle Ted.
I'm... I'm going.Copy !req
319. Uh, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
320. Let's have some fun.
Let's have some fun!Copy !req
321. We... you can get in
one of the laundry cartsCopy !req
322. and I can push you around!Copy !req
323. Nope.
I'm out of here.Copy !req
324. No I... Wait...
wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
325. Hold on there, Keith.
Keith!Copy !req
326. And if that don't work,
then you do a little tap dance.Copy !req
327. And then you go,
I'm your man.Copy !req
328. I'm your man!Copy !req
329. All right.Copy !req
330. Welcome to the barbershop,
young man.Copy !req
331. - You're Billy Dee Williams.
- Yeah, yeah, how you doing?Copy !req
332. I'm good,
thank you so much, man.Copy !req
333. All right,
could you do me a favor?Copy !req
334. - Yeah.
- Could you let go of my hand?Copy !req
335. Okay.
Oh, thanks, man.Copy !req
336. Oh, how you doing, man?Copy !req
337. I have a friend... I have
a friend that, literally,Copy !req
338. like, he'll go into a room
and it's like...Copy !req
339. He... he's getting ready
for an hour.Copy !req
340. And he comes out,
he's got on a white t-shirt,Copy !req
341. jeans, and a hat.Copy !req
342. What the were you doing
for an hour?Copy !req
343. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
344. - It's... you know what I mean?
- Yeah.Copy !req
345. It takes me, like,
15 minutes to get a suit on.Copy !req
346. - That's right.
- He's just in there going...Copy !req
347. Some dudes... some brothers are vain.
Some brothers are vain.Copy !req
348. They're all, "Oh, man,
some dust got on my shoes.Copy !req
349. "There are ruined!
Oh, these are ruined.Copy !req
350. "Gotta go get some more sneakers
right now."Copy !req
351. - So, yeah.
- But that's whatCopy !req
352. the scene is about... style.Copy !req
353. - It's about style, yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
354. In what universe
is The Family CircusCopy !req
355. better than Dilbert?
For instance... Oh.Copy !req
356. Yo, what's up, man?
How you...Copy !req
357. - been?
- Oh, you know, cuz.Copy !req
358. Keepin' it straight.Copy !req
359. - You know.
- All right, cool.Copy !req
360. Well, I guess
I'll check you later.Copy !req
361. All right, dog.Copy !req
362. What you should have seen
was Rain People,Copy !req
363. with James Caan
and Shirley Knight.Copy !req
364. Yo.Copy !req
365. Uh, what's up, man?Copy !req
366. You got something to say?Copy !req
367. Yeah, man, um...Copy !req
368. How's Denise?Copy !req
369. Oh, yeah, Denise.
She good, she good, she good.Copy !req
370. Anyway, guess I'll catch you
on the flip.Copy !req
371. Yeah, dog, yeah.
Ain't no thing.Copy !req
372. Come on, stick it.Copy !req
373. - I'm in there, dog.
- Come on.Copy !req
374. No, I'm in there, dog.
I'm in there.Copy !req
375. - Tuck it.
- I'm in there.Copy !req
376. - Tuck it.
- I'm tuckin' it in, brother.Copy !req
377. I'm in there, dog.
I'm in there, dog. I'm in there, dog.Copy !req
378. You know.
All right.Copy !req
379. Oh.Copy !req
380. Huh, anyway, you know,
you gotta come real,Copy !req
381. come correct, when you coming
at all, you know?Copy !req
382. That's basically how I roll.Copy !req
383. If you ain't got...Copy !req
384. Oh, my God.
That's my.Copy !req
385. Come here.
Get this.Copy !req
386. - He's having problems.
- He's having problems.Copy !req
387. - He is having problems.
- We gotta get this brother...Copy !req
388. - This brother is weeping.
- He's weeping.Copy !req
389. - Are you okay?
- He's weeping.Copy !req
390. This motheris...Copy !req
391. Come back to us!Copy !req
392. My man is...
My man is crying.Copy !req
393. - Oh.
- Oh, my...Copy !req
394. Thank you guys so much
for everything.Copy !req
395. Thanks for coming out,
everybody!Copy !req
396. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
397. Sync & corrections by dwigt
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
www.addicted.comCopy !req
398. Matthew McConaughey from
Days and Confused is here.Copy !req
399. Right here. He's sitting right there.Copy !req
400. Keep rockin' that look!Copy !req
401. That guy's on acid right now.Copy !req
402. "I once saw that show there were
two crows on stage."Copy !req