1. - All right,
you're doing fine, sweetie.Copy !req
2. Now, Malia, let's just
go easy on the gas hereCopy !req
3. and come to a complete stop.Copy !req
4. Hey!Copy !req
5. Okay, so in the future,
you want to tryCopy !req
6. not to go through
stop signs.Copy !req
7. Okay, just remain calm now,Copy !req
8. and what you're gonna
want to do is pull upCopy !req
9. right here
next to the curb.Copy !req
10. This is-this is why
we want to stay in the linesCopy !req
11. and we want to
follow rules, okay?Copy !req
12. Remember this.Copy !req
13. - License
and registration.Copy !req
14. Holy...
Mr. President!Copy !req
15. - Yeah, yeah, just, uh,
teaching Malia to drive here.Copy !req
16. - Well, you guys
ran a stop sign back there,Copy !req
17. but that's okay.
You can go.Copy !req
18. - Oh, no, no, no.
Malia's gotta learnCopy !req
19. what it's like to drive
in the real world here.Copy !req
20. This is called
consequences, Malia.Copy !req
21. Now, I want you to go ahead
and treat us like you wouldCopy !req
22. if I weren't
the President.Copy !req
23. Not exactly
what I had in mind.Copy !req
24. - Wow.Copy !req
25. Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
26. Thank you so much.Copy !req
27. - All right.
- Welcome to the show.Copy !req
28. - What is up?
I'm Jordan.Copy !req
29. - I am Keegan,
and this is Key & Peele.Copy !req
30. - Yes.Copy !req
31. Thank you.Copy !req
32. - So Jordan and I have known
each other for quite some time,Copy !req
33. and there was a period of time
when we lived togetherCopy !req
34. for about seven months,
uh, in his apartment.Copy !req
35. How do l- What is the most
diplomatic wayCopy !req
36. to describe your apartment?
- Just say it.Copy !req
37. - Raw compost.
- Okay.Copy !req
38. It's not that bad.
- It's-it is-Copy !req
39. Dude, his kitchen-Copy !req
40. Your kitchen and your bathroom
are health hazards.Copy !req
41. Once-Jordan, one time
I was in there wa-Copy !req
42. I went into the kitchen,
I said, "You know what?Copy !req
43. I'm gonna wash the dishes."Copy !req
44. And l-oh.
- Okay.Copy !req
45. - I, like, threw up
a little bit in my mouthCopy !req
46. right now just thinking
about your kitchen.Copy !req
47. - All right, no, I...Copy !req
48. I operate in
a very distinct ecosystem, okay?Copy !req
49. Yes, there is
a little bit of mold,Copy !req
50. but the roaches
eat the mold, so...Copy !req
51. and...Copy !req
52. The mice eat the roaches.
I eat the mice.Copy !req
53. Nants ingonya-
Circle of life, bitch.Copy !req
54. That's all it is.Copy !req
55. That's my house.Copy !req
56. - Ooh, and that's halftime.Copy !req
57. - Oh!
- What?Copy !req
58. - Oh, my gosh!
- What a half!Copy !req
59. - That is crazy!
- Oh, my god.Copy !req
60. - Oh, my gosh.
- Hey, uh...Copy !req
61. forgot to tell ya,
congratulationsCopy !req
62. on getting the new job.
- Oh, thanks, man.Copy !req
63. I appreciate it.
- Awesome, that's awesome.Copy !req
64. - Yeah, and thank you
for inviting me over hereCopy !req
65. to the game today.
- Oh, no problem.Copy !req
66. I mean,
you're my best friend.Copy !req
67. - Wow, thanks, man.
Hey, you know what?Copy !req
68. You're my best friend too.Copy !req
69. - Cool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
70. Wrote a song about it.Copy !req
71. - Not gonna sing it or anything,
'cause that would be gay.Copy !req
72. That's pretty gay.Copy !req
73. - All right,
I'll give it a shot.Copy !req
74. - Wait, stop, stop, stop, stop.
What advice?Copy !req
75. - Oh, um...
it's just a song, dude.Copy !req
76. I mean, like,
can I finish?Copy !req
77. - Yep.
- And then we can?Copy !req
78. - O-okay.
- All right.Copy !req
79. - What are you
talking about?Copy !req
80. Two, three, four...Copy !req
81. - That was the weirdest song
I've ever heard in my life, so-Copy !req
82. don't like your song,
so I'm gonna bounce.Copy !req
83. - Except for that you haven't.
You haven't.Copy !req
84. - You just say
what you're doing?Copy !req
85. - Shut up!Copy !req
86. My wolf cub
is all grown up.Copy !req
87. - Come on,
this is some-Copy !req
88. My man's been up there
ten minutes.Copy !req
89. - Okay, clear.Copy !req
90. Okay, the number pressing now.Copy !req
91. No, just hold on a second,
Malia, all right?Copy !req
92. Just gotta...Copy !req
93. Sorry, everyone,
it's taking so long.Copy !req
94. - Oh, my god, Obama!Copy !req
95. Obama!
How you doing, sir?Copy !req
96. - It's me.Copy !req
97. Just showing my daughter
how to use the ATM...Copy !req
98. having a little trouble
with the machine.Copy !req
99. - Oh, you having trouble
with the machine?Copy !req
100. Oh, man,
we'll chip in!Copy !req
101. We'll chip in
right now, man,Copy !req
102. then you can
be on your way!Copy !req
103. - No, no,
no, no, no.Copy !req
104. I'm trying to show Malia
what life is likeCopy !req
105. in the real world here,
all right?Copy !req
106. So just do me a favor,
treat me like you wouldCopy !req
107. anyone else in this situation.
- Okay. Yes, sir.Copy !req
108. Yes, sir.
All right.Copy !req
109. Hurry up, man!
Is your tie stuckCopy !req
110. in the damn machine?
What are you doing, man?Copy !req
111. People trying
to get they money up here!Copy !req
112. - Not exactly
what I had in mind.Copy !req
113. - Go on then!Copy !req
114. Didn't even get your money.
- Dad! Dad!Copy !req
115. Dad! Dad!Copy !req
116. - Come on, girl,
hurry up, man.Copy !req
117. You got seven- Oh, okay, no.Copy !req
118. Take your time.
Take your time.Copy !req
119. Take your time.Copy !req
120. - Now, uh, Keegan and I always
have a fun timeCopy !req
121. discussing the crappy apartments
we've lived in...Copy !req
122. - Yes.
- In our lives.Copy !req
123. - Right, and I was
just telling you recentlyCopy !req
124. about how in '97
I moved into an apartmentCopy !req
125. with two friends
in my hometown of Detroit.Copy !req
126. And, uh, we got broken into
five times in six weeks.Copy !req
127. It's gotta be a record.Copy !req
128. - I don't see
how that's possible.Copy !req
129. - Yeah, uh, it's Detroit,
so...Copy !req
130. And the first time
we got broken into...Copy !req
131. - Mm-hmm.
- I mean, the cops came in,Copy !req
132. they're examining
the apartment,Copy !req
133. and they're making their way
out of the apartment.Copy !req
134. There is a bloody fingerprint
on the wall.Copy !req
135. And so I said to the cop,
"Um, excuse me, you know,Copy !req
136. "I just wanted to point out
that there's a fingerprint hereCopy !req
137. if maybe you wanted
to dust that or something."Copy !req
138. - Mm-hmm, straight evidence.
- Yeah.Copy !req
139. This is what he says to me.
He goes, "Aw, naw, man.Copy !req
140. That-that's just on TV."Copy !req
141. What?Copy !req
142. - What are we doing
in this neighborhood?Copy !req
143. - Come on, this place
is in our price range.Copy !req
144. Besides, I mean,
people say the neighborhood'sCopy !req
145. turning around.
- Who the fuck here?Copy !req
146. It's Jordan and Keira.Copy !req
147. We're here to view
the apartment at 3:00.Copy !req
148. Oh, shit, my bad.Copy !req
149. I had this homeless crackhead
trying to set up houseCopy !req
150. in here yesterday.
Almost had to beat his ass, man.Copy !req
151. But y'all ain't got nothing
to worry about,Copy !req
152. 'cause anybody
try to get up in here,Copy !req
153. I will murder them.Copy !req
154. Let me give
y'all the tour.Copy !req
155. All right, so we got
these vintage windows.Copy !req
156. They been here as long as
the building's been here.Copy !req
157. Oh, shit!Copy !req
158. Get away from the window!
Get away from the window!Copy !req
159. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
160. You, motherfucker!
I see you out there!Copy !req
161. You get out that car,
and I will murder you!Copy !req
162. That's what I thought!Copy !req
163. So roll on,
little nigga!Copy !req
164. Roll on!Copy !req
165. My nephew, Craig.Copy !req
166. He a good kid.Copy !req
167. He smoke crack, though.Copy !req
168. Just, uh-Just in case
he come back.Copy !req
169. - Uh...
- And I filed the serial numberCopy !req
170. off that,
so if you gotta shoot anybody,Copy !req
171. just make sure
to wipe your fingerprintsCopy !req
172. off this motherfucker.Copy !req
173. Well, come on, y'all.
I ain't gonna bite you.Copy !req
174. Brand-new cupboards.Copy !req
175. I put the contact paper
in myself hereCopy !req
176. so y'all don't get no germs.Copy !req
177. Get down!Copy !req
178. Nah, ain't no thing.Copy !req
179. I thought Craig
was rolling back.Copy !req
180. I ain't getting shot by
this motherfucker twice, damn.Copy !req
181. While we down here,
check this out.Copy !req
182. Original hardwood floorCopy !req
183. from when the building
was built.Copy !req
184. Check out
this grain, brother.Copy !req
185. Whoo!
That is craftsmanship!Copy !req
186. Anyway, come on.Copy !req
187. Now, this paint
is all new, and-Copy !req
188. Aw, shit.Copy !req
189. Okay, this-this happened
after I had painted.Copy !req
190. Funny story, we got crackheads
in this neighborhood,Copy !req
191. and one of them lived
right next door here, right?Copy !req
192. And one day, he was smoking
crack, just went looney tunesCopy !req
193. and mistook his 9mm-Copy !req
194. that's a pistol, honey-
for the remote control.Copy !req
195. But don't worry, you ain't
never gonna see him again.Copy !req
196. Ain't nobody ever...Copy !req
197. gonna see him...Copy !req
198. again.Copy !req
199. Plus, I'm gonna
put a fancy little hook in thereCopy !req
200. and turn it
into a hat rack.Copy !req
201. No let's take a look
at this bedroom.Copy !req
202. What the fuck?Copy !req
203. - I found this place first!Copy !req
204. - Found it?
Man, I own this place!Copy !req
205. Can y'all give me a second?Copy !req
206. Aah!Copy !req
207. You gonna bite me,
motherfucker?Copy !req
208. I will cut you
with my sword cane!Copy !req
209. Aah!Copy !req
210. - So that's gonna be first month
and last month's rentCopy !req
211. and one-month
security deposit.Copy !req
212. I'll get
the paperwork started.Copy !req
213. - Okay, baby,
let's hit this rock real quick.Copy !req
214. - And now we have
a special treat.Copy !req
215. Hold on
to your yarmulkes, okay?Copy !req
216. "From east to west,
you know they're the best.Copy !req
217. Getting you in the zone
for your milestone."Copy !req
218. Is that cute?Copy !req
219. Please welcome Gafilta Fresh
and Dr. Dreidel!Copy !req
220. - Yeah!Copy !req
221. What's up,
Temple Beth Israel?Copy !req
222. - Yo, is there
a Daniel RosenblumCopy !req
223. in the hizzouse?Copy !req
224. - Oh, yeah!
- What's up, man?Copy !req
225. - Aw, yeah!
What's up, my man?Copy !req
226. Yeah, all right!
- All right!Copy !req
227. - When you see
black people at a bar mitzvah,Copy !req
228. it's very exciting.Copy !req
229. It's like a scary ride.Copy !req
230. And the kids just love it.Copy !req
231. - Right now,
we are the number-oneCopy !req
232. bar/bat mitzvah party motivators
in all of Nassau County.Copy !req
233. - I mean, you got
the Bat Mizzles, you know?Copy !req
234. Oys to Men, you know?
All of them coming throughCopy !req
235. likeCopy !req
236. With the recycled dreck.Copy !req
237. - And I mean,
the chutzpah of these guysCopy !req
238. with their fakakta shtick.Copy !req
239. It's a real shanda
on what it's supposed to be.Copy !req
240. - A simcha.
- Yeah.Copy !req
241. - It's supposed to be a simcha.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
242. - You just really
can't put a priceCopy !req
243. on the look
on your child's faceCopy !req
244. when they see a black person
for the first time.Copy !req
245. It's...Copy !req
246. It's just magical, really.Copy !req
247. Is he getting back up or what?Copy !req
248. - We are not
technically chosen.Copy !req
249. - We're chosen
by the chosen.Copy !req
250. - Which is kind of better
than being just the chosen.Copy !req
251. - That's right.
It's less responsibility.Copy !req
252. - Jews are like black people,Copy !req
253. but we were black peopleCopy !req
254. before there were
black people.Copy !req
255. Um... well, I guess
that's not true.Copy !req
256. They were just in a...Copy !req
257. Different part of,
uh, the world.Copy !req
258. Oh, black people
coming to get me! Help!Copy !req
259. - Yeah, you know it!Copy !req
260. We find it
spiritually intoxicating,Copy !req
261. we find it
culturally fascinating,Copy !req
262. and we find it
monetarily exhilarating.Copy !req
263. - Sarah!
- Schwartzman.Copy !req
264. - Sarah!
- Schwartzman.Copy !req
265. - Yeah!
- There you go, yeah!Copy !req
266. - I mean, the fact
that we're willing to put forthCopy !req
267. the extra time
is what sets us apart.Copy !req
268. - I mean, how often
is a 13-year-oldCopy !req
269. gonna hear their own name?Copy !req
270. - We learn that name.
We rehearse it.Copy !req
271. Go, Daniel!
Go, Daniel!Copy !req
272. - Judaism can be
a very somber religion.Copy !req
273. - That's right.
You know, somethingCopy !req
274. we learned along the way
is that the word "ghetto"Copy !req
275. means something very different
to these people.Copy !req
276. - To tell you the truth,
I was a little nervousCopy !req
277. about the whole thing.
No, not because they were black,Copy !req
278. but because
you never really knowCopy !req
279. what those kind of people
are gonna do.Copy !req
280. - If we can add some fun,
some life, some colorCopy !req
281. to a Jewish person's life
when they're still young-Copy !req
282. - They might not grow up
and run away from black peopleCopy !req
283. when they see them.
- No, maybe they won't...Copy !req
284. - Or, uh...
- Fire people so willy-nillyCopy !req
285. when they're older.Copy !req
286. - We provide a service
to these people.Copy !req
287. Yeah!Copy !req
288. We motivate parties.Copy !req
289. - That's we do.Copy !req
290. - That's we do.
We motivate parties.Copy !req
291. - So we're fascinated
with movies these days,Copy !req
292. because movies
have gone crazy.Copy !req
293. - Oh, yeah.
- They have the 3-D,Copy !req
294. amazing effects,
amazing sound.Copy !req
295. They spend so much money,
and it looks so good.Copy !req
296. Why can't they just get the
simple shit right, though?Copy !req
297. You know what
I'm talking about?Copy !req
298. - The next time
you go to a movie,Copy !req
299. when you watch
somebody on the phone,Copy !req
300. I guarantee you
they will not say good-bye.Copy !req
301. - Yes.
- It won't happen.Copy !req
302. "Honey, I promise you
that I will be homeCopy !req
303. for you and the kids
on Thanksgiving."Copy !req
304. - You can't...Copy !req
305. you can't
get away with that.Copy !req
306. You never see the scene
where somebody calls backCopy !req
307. talking about...Copy !req
308. "Why'd you hang up on me?"Copy !req
309. - "Oh, I was just... what?Copy !req
310. I didn't...
what are you talking about?"Copy !req
311. - Or my favorite is after
a shower, or love-making,Copy !req
312. how come every person
in the film, when they get out,Copy !req
313. just immediately put this...
- Towel, towel.Copy !req
314. Talking about
in your own house by yourself!Copy !req
315. No.Copy !req
316. I get out of the shower,
I'm ass-nakedCopy !req
317. all over the place.
- Yes!Copy !req
318. Oh, dude, if I'm home alone,Copy !req
319. I will put my balls
on a bookshelf.Copy !req
320. I don't care.Copy !req
321. I'll just make something up
because I can.Copy !req
322. Please! No!Copy !req
323. No!Copy !req
324. - What-what's the joke?Copy !req
325. - What?Copy !req
326. - L-I don't get it.Copy !req
327. - Man, you shot
that damn fool!Copy !req
328. - Oh...Copy !req
329. yeah, no.
I still don't get it.Copy !req
330. - Hey, man,
ain't nothing to get.Copy !req
331. Shit is just funny, man.Copy !req
332. Dude can't snitch now.Copy !req
333. - Man, don't fake laugh.Copy !req
334. - Huh?Copy !req
335. - That's not real.
I can tell.Copy !req
336. - No, I think
it's really funny.Copy !req
337. - No, you don't.Copy !req
338. Look at him!
Sitting there all dead.Copy !req
339. He was 20,
and now he's dead.Copy !req
340. Ain't never gonna have
a wife or kids now.Copy !req
341. - Man, what are you doing?
Wife and kids?Copy !req
342. That shit ain't funny.Copy !req
343. His mom and dad ain't
never gonna see him again.Copy !req
344. - No. No.Copy !req
345. You're ruining it for me.Copy !req
346. - Okay, well, I guess
I just don't get it then.Copy !req
347. - It's just
that you shot him.Copy !req
348. That's all!
That's the whole thing!Copy !req
349. - Oh, okay, so...Copy !req
350. - Oh!Copy !req
351. The hell
is wrong with you?Copy !req
352. You don't shoot a dude
that's already dead!Copy !req
353. That's not funny!Copy !req
354. - Oh.
Aah!Copy !req
355. Oww!Copy !req
356. - Yeah, I guess
I just don't get it.Copy !req
357. - So you have to tell
every human being in the worldCopy !req
358. that their baby is cute
whether it is true or not.Copy !req
359. You just have to.Copy !req
360. - Keegan Michael-Key,
nicest guy in the world,Copy !req
361. just outed himself
as somebody who doesn'tCopy !req
362. find all babies cute.Copy !req
363. - Well, I mean,
what am I supposed to do?Copy !req
364. Go down the street,
you know,Copy !req
365. you see a lady
with her stroller.Copy !req
366. "Oh, hi."
And you peer in,Copy !req
367. and there's just, like,
an infant bodyCopy !req
368. and then Steve Buscemi's head.
- Yeah, you don't...Copy !req
369. - That's rough.
You can't go,Copy !req
370. "whoa!"Copy !req
371. - No, yeah.
- That's mean.Copy !req
372. - Yeah, you don't want to
be picking up a little babyCopy !req
373. with the head
of Newt Gingrich,Copy !req
374. 'cause that's
just unattractive.Copy !req
375. You don't want to see that.Copy !req
376. - I don't want to see
a lady breastfeeding, you know,Copy !req
377. just right here...Copy !req
378. Danny Devito.
- Yeah.Copy !req
379. - There's nothing cute about
a 3-foot-tall Forest Whitaker.Copy !req
380. - No, there isn't.Copy !req
381. No, there's not.Copy !req
382. - Talking about
"Ga-ga goo-goo."Copy !req
383. "Ga-ga goo-goo."Copy !req
384. - Mrs. Whitaker, I have
been babysitting for 20 years.Copy !req
385. I've seen it all.Copy !req
386. - The thing is,
Forest is a unique child.Copy !req
387. - Everything
is gonna be fine.Copy !req
388. I want you to have
a good time tonight.Copy !req
389. You deserve it.Copy !req
390. - Okay, um...Copy !req
391. good luck.
- Thank you.Copy !req
392. - Goo-goo ga-ga.Copy !req
393. Hey there, Forest.Copy !req
394. - Goo-goo ga-ga.Copy !req
395. I want...Copy !req
396. I want milk.Copy !req
397. - You want me to get you
your bottle, buddy?Copy !req
398. - I want milk!
- Okay.Copy !req
399. - This is a ba-ba.Copy !req
400. I want mama's milk.Copy !req
401. Why can't I have
mama's milk?Copy !req
402. It's a simple request.Copy !req
403. - Well, yeah, well, uh,Copy !req
404. y-you can't have mama's milk
right now, buddy.Copy !req
405. Um, how about we play?Copy !req
406. - Okay.Copy !req
407. I want...Copy !req
408. I want-I wanna play
with my Legos.Copy !req
409. - Okay, yeah.Copy !req
410. Okay, buddy, let's, uh,
get your Legos then.Copy !req
411. - I wanna...Copy !req
412. I wanna put
the smallest Lego in my mouth.Copy !req
413. That's what I'm gonna do.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
414. You can't-you can't do that.
- What?Copy !req
415. First you tell me
I can't have mama's milk.Copy !req
416. Now I can't have
the smallest Lego in my mouth?Copy !req
417. What a night.Copy !req
418. This is a bad start.Copy !req
419. - Wait, but Forest,
it's dangerous.Copy !req
420. - Let me get this straight.Copy !req
421. You're in charge of me?
In my house?Copy !req
422. - All right, F-Forest,
i-it's time for bed.Copy !req
423. - I guess then
you gonna sing me a song.Copy !req
424. - What?Copy !req
425. - Mama always sings me a song
before I go to sleep.Copy !req
426. Are you gonna
do that for me?Copy !req
427. - Okay, okay.
Yeah.Copy !req
428. Yes, I will.Copy !req
429. - Keep-keep singing.Copy !req
430. - Put my name in it.Copy !req
431. I like-I like it personal.Copy !req
432. - Goo-goo ga-ga.Copy !req
433. - Good babysitter.Copy !req
434. - Have a good cry.Copy !req
435. - We have had
a great show tonight.Copy !req
436. - Yes.
- Uh...Copy !req
437. so great that
I wrote a song about it.Copy !req
438. - Nope. Nope.
No, no, no, no.Copy !req
439. Thank you.
Good night, everybody!Copy !req
440. - You don't want to hear it?Copy !req
441. - I don't want
to hear the song.Copy !req
442. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
443. - We got broken into
four more times after that.Copy !req
444. - Basically, every junkie
in the neighborhoodCopy !req
445. was coming on.
- Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
446. Same guy each time.Copy !req
447. It was the same guy
five times in a row.Copy !req
448. - Basically,
you were this guy's Best Buy.Copy !req
449. - Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah.
- I love it.Copy !req