Key & Peele 1x7

1. - It's like a low-risk opportunity.

2. So I'm looking forward to it, we'll see.

3. All right, gentlemen. Take care. See you soon.

4. Good looking out. Take care.

5. All right, man. All right, take care.

6. See you. Ooh.

7. I'm a lefty, so-

8. Yeah!

9. - Whoo!

10. - All right, yeah. - All right!

11. - Thank you.

12. - Thank you!

13. Thanks so much for coming out. I am Keegan.

14. - And I am Jordan. - And this is Key and Peele.

15. - Welcome to the show. - Welcome.

16. - All right.

17. - So Jordan and I have this ongoing competition

18. about which one of us is blacker, yes.

19. - Haha. Clearly me, clearly me.

20. - No, no, how is that even possible?

21. I'm from one of the blackest parts of the planet.

22. - Michigan? - Yeah.

23. I'm from Detroit, okay?

24. Detroit's black enough for the whole state, all right?

25. We had a mayor who used to have a nameplate

26. on his desk that said "HNIC."

27. For those of you who don't know what that means,

28. it means, "Head Nigga In Charge."

29. The mayor. - Okay, okay.

30. - Whatever, man. I'm from NYC, baby, NYC.

31. - Oh, okay.

32. - Straight up.

33. Ah ha ha!

34. - No, no, no, no.

35. - It's the blackest town in the world, baby.

36. - Jordan, why don't- do you care to tell

37. the audience where you are from in NYC?

38. - W-okay.

39. - Tell them where you're from in NYC, exactly.

40. The exact kinda location of where you're from.

41. - Manhattan. I'm from Manhattan. - No, no, no, no.

42. Where exactly in Manhattan do you live, Jordan?

43. Where in Manhattan did you grow up?

44. Where you grew up? Where you grew up?

45. - Upper west side, but still.

46. Yo, check it. All right, all right.

47. Dude, NYC, baby. - Uh-huh.

48. - Home of Alvin Ailey, the Harlem renaissance.

49. J- - Joy Behar!

50. - Okay...

51. first of all, Joy Behar will shoot you in the face.

52. So watch your shit.

53. Secondly, I don't understand how you could possibly

54. think you're blacker than me. - I am.

55. - Motherfucker, you drive a Prius.

56. You saw Warhorse.

57. Plus, you married a white woman.

58. Oh, actually you win. 'Cause that-

59. So glad we could bring this project to this neighborhood.

60. - It's so rich in history.

61. - I grew up in a neighborhood like this.

62. - Oh, yeah, I grew up in a neighborhood

63. exactly like this.

64. - All right, welcome to Mama Sugarback's.

65. Y'all ready to order? - Yeah.

66. Can I have a chicken fried steak with gravy and a cola?

67. - Okay.

68. - I will have the baked beef short ribs with collard greens,

69. and throw down some of that cornbread.

70. - All right, babe.

71. - You know what? Hold up a second.

72. I'm also gonna have some of them

73. collard greens and cornbread as well,

74. but hook a brother up with some of them hot links.

75. - All right. - All right.

76. - You know what? Why am I trying to front?

77. Scratch all that.

78. Give me some okra and some fried red snapper.

79. And, girl, you know I want some chitlins.

80. - All right now.

81. - Y'all got ham hocks?

82. - Of course. - Well, that's what I want.

83. I want a plate of ham hocks, deep-fried, blackened,

84. and served on a bed of mustard greens.

85. - Pig feet.

86. I want some pig feet and four pounds of grits.

87. And oh, oh! And you know what else?

88. Give me a little Dixie cup full of lard, all right?

89. - I just remembered what I want. A bowl of mosquitoes.

90. None of them tiny ones either, give me them big motherfuckers

91. you find down at the swamps.

92. - Sister, could you please hook a brother up

93. with a rusty bucket full of fish heads

94. wrapped in razor wire?

95. - Donkey teeth. - Donkey teeth?

96. - Straight out a donkey's mouth.

97. You know what? Fuck it. Any animal tooth will do.

98. I want you to stick it in some honey glaze,

99. fry it with fat back,

100. and serve it in an old tin coffee can.

101. - Forget everything I said up to this point right now.

102. Bring me some dandelion greens, a cow hip, and a dog face.

103. Wrap that whole mess in an old Ebony magazine,

104. and serve it to me in a shoebox.

105. - Okay, I want a platter of stork ankles,

106. an old cellar door, a possum spine,

107. and a human foot.

108. - You want a human foot?

109. - Mm-hmm.

110. - I got just one question for y'all.

111. - You want gravy on that cellar door?

112. - Oh, definitely.

113. - Oh, yeah, yeah. You gotta put gravy on that.

114. - What's a cellar door without gravy?

115. - It's not food.

116. - Mmm.

117. - It's really-

118. - Ugh.

119. - Ah, man, I really had to get out of the house.

120. - I was glad you came out. - I appreciate it.

121. - For real.

122. - Look here, you check this girl out, man.

123. She is fine.

124. - She all right. - Really?

125. - Hey, man, I am going to go to the bathroom.

126. - Okay, man. See you in a minute.

127. - You know what?

128. I told myself this morning I wasn't gonna fall in love.

129. You went and made me break my only rule.

130. I'm gonna take that right quick-

131. I am going to take that. I'm going to use that.

132. Okay.

133. - Oh, hey, what's up, man? You just got her number, huh?

134. - Yeah, Cheyenne. - Oh, is that her name?

135. - Yeah, she was fly-y.

136. - That's the girl I was talking about.

137. - Oh, snap. Are you serious? - Yeah, dude.

138. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It ain't no thing, man.

139. Forget it. There's plenty of hotties here.

140. - I just thought you were talking about someone else.

141. - Check her out.

142. - I'm not a sports man, but...

143. think me and you could touch down later,

144. if you know what I'm saying.

145. Am I being stupid? But for real though.

146. Just give me your number, whatever.

147. Thank you, girl. I'ma take that from you.

148. - How did you get over here so fast?

149. - Huh?

150. - Nothing. It just seemed like you-

151. - Oh, damn. That reporter is smokin' hot.

152. What the fuck?

153. No.

154. No!

155. Huh? Yeah.

156. No. No!

157. - Hey, baby. - How are you-

158. are you doing that? - Honey, what's wrong?

159. - Oh, baby, I love you.

160. I'm sorry.

161. I was out, I was looking at other women tonight.

162. But you are all there is.

163. All right, I love you.

164. - All right, so Keegan has two dogs,

165. which he has no control over whatsoever.

166. - That's not true. That's not true.

167. - That is true.

168. - The little one I've got some control over.

169. The big one's an asshole. - No.

170. They don't listen to him.

171. I don't understand why you talk to them like that.

172. My man will be like, "Hey, Levi, would you stay away

173. from that Architectural Digest magazine?" What's that?

174. - Because-what's that? He understands me.

175. It's because he understands me. - No, he does not.

176. - Yes, he does. - And by the way...

177. I'm allergic to dogs, okay?

178. Most people keep their dog in a bathroom when I come over.

179. When I go over his house, his dogs talking about-

180. Comes right up to me.

181. And what do you say? - I say "Levi,

182. "what are you do- Get outta here.

183. "What are you doing? What are you doing?

184. "What are you doing?

185. Are you doing it right now? What are you doing right now?"

186. - This is his dog. - "Get away from him. Levi!

187. "Get away from him. Would you get away from him?

188. "Get away from him! Get away from him!

189. "Get awa- Get away!

190. "Are you still standing there? Get away from him!

191. "Would you get away from Jordan, please?

192. Get away!" - He's not listening to you.

193. - And he-'Cause eventually he leaves after the 50th time.

194. He leaves. He leaves.

195. - That's boredom, my friend. That is boredom.

196. - When she does talk, like, you're listening.

197. - Yeah, oh, my God. Last time, I was like,

198. "Who are you? You're brilliant."

199. - I know. - Oh, my God!

200. Oh, my God.

201. - Oh, my God! - Amy, look at that one!

202. - Oh, Megan! - He is so cute.

203. - That is the cutest effing puppy

204. I've ever seen in my entire life.

205. - Oh, my God, I'm just gonna take him,

206. and I just wanna bite his little ears off.

207. - I just wanna take his little legs,

208. and I could snack on 'em like chicken drumettes.

209. - Yeah, I just wanna take his fuzzy little perfect head.

210. I wanna put it in my mouth and squeeze down on it hard

211. until I have a puppy face diamond in my mouth.

212. - Mm, I feel like I have to wrap his face in a towel,

213. and then beat it with a tire iron.

214. - I'm going to buy that dog, I'm going drive him to the vet,

215. and I'm going to have him put down immediately.

216. Oh, my God.

217. You what I'm gonna have to do? - What?

218. - I'm gonna have to take that scruffy little nose...

219. - Yes. - And just kick it.

220. I just have to- - Yes.

221. - I would kick it until it comes up on my shoes

222. like little puppy snout slippers.

223. And then I'm gonna go to a party and everyone's like,

224. "Oh, my God, where'd you get those slippers?"

225. I'll be like, "These are my face slippers

226. from my adorable, dumb little puppy."

227. - That's exactly what I was going to say!

228. - ESP!

229. - Oh, my God, I just wanna take his head.

230. I wanna peel the skin off of his skull.

231. - I know where you're going.

232. - I wanna just start throwing it up like pizza dough

233. until it's long, flat, and round.

234. I wanna take it to a picnic and toss it around like a Frisbee

235. at a puppy-face-Frisbee picnic!

236. - Let's get him! - Yeah!

237. - So cute. - So cute.

238. Oh, my God, is it me,

239. or is it like totally mosquito-y out here?

240. - Oh, my God, remember this one?

241. He was so cute. - So cute.

242. - And now, ladies and gentlemen,

243. the man you've been waiting for, Mr. Michael Winslow!

244. - Go get 'em, Winslow.

245. Bring the noise! Bring the noise.

246. Another sold-out night for the Kings of Mouth Noise.

247. I tell you though,

248. we wouldn't have this audience without Winslow.

249. Lucky for you, huh?

250. Those Police Academy fans.

251. Look at all the tee shirts.

252. Six sequels. Can you believe it?

253. Every sound effect this guy makes

254. is like a little, tiny Mona Lisa popping out of his mouth.

255. Have you ever heard him do

256. the walking through the leaves

257. in the fall while eating an apple-

258. Whew!

259. Whew!

260. - Shing.

261. Ting, ting, ting.

262. - Ting, ting, ting.

263. Shing!

264. - Shing!

265. - Whap!

266. Pa-chhh!

267. Chh!

268. - All right, so one of the worst places to be a black man...

269. - Yes?

270. - Is at a party where there's only white people there.

271. - Oh, yeah.

272. It's just way to much pressure to provide all of the fun.

273. - Yes!

274. Oh, you can't- - Way too much pressure.

275. - You cannot cross the dance floor at all.

276. If I need a drink at one of these parties,

277. I will go around the perimeter of the party.

278. 'Cause you know if you go through this,

279. you will have a group of white people around you

280. talking about, "Go, Jordan! Go, Jordan! Go, Jordan!"

281. - That's true.

282. And that used to happen to me

283. all the time when I was in school.

284. I never even noticed until one of my friends-a white friend-

285. I was, like, 40 minutes late for a party one time.

286. And I show up, I come in the front door,

287. my friend's like, "Oh, my God,

288. thank God you're here."

289. There was, like, a group of white people sitting around

290. for 40 minutes waiting for the black guy to show up.

291. - Just got your check. - Yeah.

292. Damn.

293. Look how much I lost in taxes.

294. Damn government! Look at that.

295. Might as well join the Tea Party.

296. - Excuse me. What did you just say?

297. - "Might as well join the Tea Party."

298. - Come with me. - Whoa! What's going on?

299. - You are the chosen one.

300. - What the hell are you talking about, man?

301. - We've been waiting for you. - Waiting for me? What?

302. What the hell is this? - I found him!

303. - Tell them what you were telling your friend.

304. - I hate taxes?

305. - What do you find appealing

306. about the politics of the Tea Party?

307. - I'm not a politician. - A real man of the people.

308. - How do you feel about the Second Amendment?

309. - I don't want this.

310. - Taken away from you, just like the rest of us.

311. One of many issues you're passionate about.

312. Oh! Smile.

313. - Oh!

314. - Now, come meet your public. - Public?

315. What are you talking about? I ain't got no public.

316. What is this?

317. - Ladies and gentlemen,

318. the new leader of the Minnesota Tea Party

319. and the next president of the United States.

320. What's your name? - Terrell Jackson.

321. - Perfect. Terrell Jackson!

322. - Ah!

323. Look, look, I don't want any part of this, all right?

324. - You hate the government. That's great!

325. - Show us your gun again!

326. - Look, y'all are just too creepy.

327. You can have this back.

328. - Ah! - Oh!

329. - Great! Where are we gonna find another black guy?

330. - Hey, baby. - Mm.

331. - Wake up.

332. - Mm, what time is it?

333. - What are you doing? - Good morning.

334. - Hey!

335. - Come on, girl. It's time to get up.

336. Let's go!

337. - Delete the picture, motherfucker!

338. - Okay, um, uh, delete.

339. Deleting it. Um, delete photo.

340. Okay.

341. It's gone. It's all gone.

342. - Thanks, baby. Mm.

343. How do you want your eggs?

344. - Scrambled.

345. - One of the hardest jobs in the military

346. has to be military recruiter.

347. That is tough. - That's a tough one all right.

348. Because you have to look somebody in the eye

349. and tell them their first job out of high school

350. is getting shot at. - Right.

351. - You know, that's- that is hard.

352. - Yeah, or, like, to appeal to kids,

353. they made that one commercial where there's, like, the marine

354. going, and he's going through a futuristic obstacle course.

355. - And then he gets past the pendulums,

356. and then there's a rock

357. with what appears to be Excalibur in it.

358. - Oh, and he's going to need Excalibur

359. because he's about to fight a lava demon.

360. - Mm-hmm.

361. - With a fire whip!

362. - Yes.

363. Yes.

364. But I understand it a little bit

365. because you have to cater the commercials

366. to certain demographics.

367. And right now, with the recent-

368. the repeal of don't ask, don't tell,

369. there's a whole new demographic out there

370. that they can recruit. - Sure, sure.

371. - A whole lot of flowers to be plucked.

372. - Yes.

373. - Sergeant Crandall, United States Army recruiter.

374. How y'all doing?

375. This is my associate Sergeant Graham Packs.

376. Yeah!

377. - Huh-huh! Huh, huh, huh-huh!

378. Ha, ha, ha. Nice beat, gentlemen.

379. - We wanna talk to you about your future,

380. and where you fit in the United States Army, y'all!

381. - Yeah, in case you haven't heard,

382. we are asking, and you're telling.

383. - That's right, no restrictions, man.

384. You gonna be surrounded by dudes all day.

385. Y'all can exercise together. You can shower together.

386. - Talking 'bout soap, water- the works!

387. - Now I know what you're thinking.

388. "The army's dangerous."

389. But the fact of the matter is everything's dangerous.

390. - All depends on what your definition

391. of the word "danger" is.

392. - Oh, yeah! Oh, here we go!

393. - We got a friend. All right.

394. - Hey! Navy already got him.

395. But you're better off in the army

396. 'cause we gonna get you in the best shape

397. in your whole life!

398. - Whoo! Talking 'bout a six pack.

399. - Blip! - Gonna give you an eight pack.

400. - Sclip! - Hey, we'll even give you

401. a jet pack.

402. - That's a joke, man. He a joke, he a funny guy.

403. We ain't got jet packs. - Oh!

404. - Oh, that's my cut, man!

405. - Oh, what what?

406. - Go ahead, go ahead.

407. - You got to isolate, then isolate,

408. then I-so-late. - Oh, yeah!

409. Tell you something right now, man.

410. Combat is just a bunch of men in a tight space

411. with flashing lights and loud noises.

412. - Like-

413. - Just like this.

414. - Yeah, you'll fit right in at home.

415. - It's gonna be great. Oh, here it is.

416. Oh, can't stop it. Can't stop it.

417. - Go, Crandall. Sergeant Crandall.

418. Crandall, Crandall, Crandall. And hold it.

419. - What? - Hold it.

420. - Gotta do?

421. - And hold it right there. - Whoo!

422. - I'm a robot. - Robot.

423. Excuse me there, young man.

424. Have you ever thought about joining the United States Army?

425. It's- Oh, oh, excuse me.

426. I will, uh, talk to you two later-pardon me.

427. - What's all this?

428. - This is your lucky night.

429. I wanna be your fantasy.

430. Whatever you want me to do.

431. Whatever you wanna do to me.

432. You just tell me your naughtiest fantasies, Phil,

433. and you'll get it.

434. - Seriously?

435. - Seriously.

436. - Like, for realsies? - For realsies.

437. - Well, how about we call up your friend Erica-

438. Aah!

439. - Good night, everybody! Good night.

440. Thank you for coming out.

441. - Oh, yeah.

442. - Finally, the dog licks me, by the way. What did you say?

443. - "Levi, get outta here. You broke the contract!"

444. - Verbal contract with the animal.

445. What is that? You could just lock him in the bathroom!

446. - I couldn't do that 'cause it was a training moment for him.

447. - It was a training moment for me too.

448. I learned never to go to your house again.