1. - It's like a low-risk
opportunity.Copy !req
2. So I'm looking forward
to it, we'll see.Copy !req
3. All right, gentlemen.
Take care. See you soon.Copy !req
4. Good looking out.
Take care.Copy !req
5. All right, man.
All right, take care.Copy !req
6. See you.
Ooh.Copy !req
7. I'm a lefty, so-Copy !req
8. Yeah!Copy !req
9. - Whoo!Copy !req
10. - All right, yeah.
- All right!Copy !req
11. - Thank you.Copy !req
12. - Thank you!Copy !req
13. Thanks so much for coming out.
I am Keegan.Copy !req
14. - And I am Jordan.
- And this is Key and Peele.Copy !req
15. - Welcome to the show.
- Welcome.Copy !req
16. - All right.Copy !req
17. - So Jordan and I
have this ongoing competitionCopy !req
18. about which one of us
is blacker, yes.Copy !req
19. - Haha.
Clearly me, clearly me.Copy !req
20. - No, no, how is that
even possible?Copy !req
21. I'm from one of the blackest
parts of the planet.Copy !req
22. - Michigan?
- Yeah.Copy !req
23. I'm from Detroit, okay?Copy !req
24. Detroit's black enough
for the whole state, all right?Copy !req
25. We had a mayor who used to have
a nameplateCopy !req
26. on his desk
that said "HNIC."Copy !req
27. For those of you who don't
know what that means,Copy !req
28. it means,
"Head Nigga In Charge."Copy !req
29. The mayor.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
30. - Whatever, man.
I'm from NYC, baby, NYC.Copy !req
31. - Oh, okay.Copy !req
32. - Straight up.Copy !req
33. Ah ha ha!Copy !req
34. - No, no, no, no.Copy !req
35. - It's the blackest town
in the world, baby.Copy !req
36. - Jordan, why don't-
do you care to tellCopy !req
37. the audience
where you are from in NYC?Copy !req
38. - W-okay.Copy !req
39. - Tell them where you're from
in NYC, exactly.Copy !req
40. The exact kinda location
of where you're from.Copy !req
41. - Manhattan. I'm from Manhattan.
- No, no, no, no.Copy !req
42. Where exactly in Manhattan
do you live, Jordan?Copy !req
43. Where in Manhattan
did you grow up?Copy !req
44. Where you grew up?
Where you grew up?Copy !req
45. - Upper west side,
but still.Copy !req
46. Yo, check it.
All right, all right.Copy !req
47. Dude, NYC, baby.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
48. - Home of Alvin Ailey,
the Harlem renaissance.Copy !req
49. J-
- Joy Behar!Copy !req
50. - Okay...Copy !req
51. first of all, Joy Behar
will shoot you in the face.Copy !req
52. So watch your shit.Copy !req
53. Secondly, I don't understand
how you could possiblyCopy !req
54. think you're blacker than me.
- I am.Copy !req
55. - Motherfucker,
you drive a Prius.Copy !req
56. You saw Warhorse.Copy !req
57. Plus, you married
a white woman.Copy !req
58. Oh, actually you win.
'Cause that-Copy !req
59. So glad we could bring this
project to this neighborhood.Copy !req
60. - It's so rich
in history.Copy !req
61. - I grew up in a neighborhood
like this.Copy !req
62. - Oh, yeah, I grew up
in a neighborhoodCopy !req
63. exactly like this.Copy !req
64. - All right,
welcome to Mama Sugarback's.Copy !req
65. Y'all ready to order?
- Yeah.Copy !req
66. Can I have a chicken fried steak
with gravy and a cola?Copy !req
67. - Okay.Copy !req
68. - I will have the baked beef
short ribs with collard greens,Copy !req
69. and throw down
some of that cornbread.Copy !req
70. - All right, babe.Copy !req
71. - You know what?
Hold up a second.Copy !req
72. I'm also gonna have
some of themCopy !req
73. collard greens and cornbread
as well,Copy !req
74. but hook a brother up
with some of them hot links.Copy !req
75. - All right.
- All right.Copy !req
76. - You know what?
Why am I trying to front?Copy !req
77. Scratch all that.Copy !req
78. Give me some okra
and some fried red snapper.Copy !req
79. And, girl, you know I want
some chitlins.Copy !req
80. - All right now.Copy !req
81. - Y'all got ham hocks?Copy !req
82. - Of course.
- Well, that's what I want.Copy !req
83. I want a plate of ham hocks,
deep-fried, blackened,Copy !req
84. and served on a bed
of mustard greens.Copy !req
85. - Pig feet.Copy !req
86. I want some pig feet
and four pounds of grits.Copy !req
87. And oh, oh!
And you know what else?Copy !req
88. Give me a little Dixie cup
full of lard, all right?Copy !req
89. - I just remembered what I want.
A bowl of mosquitoes.Copy !req
90. None of them tiny ones either,
give me them big motherfuckersCopy !req
91. you find
down at the swamps.Copy !req
92. - Sister, could you please
hook a brother upCopy !req
93. with a rusty bucket
full of fish headsCopy !req
94. wrapped in razor wire?Copy !req
95. - Donkey teeth.
- Donkey teeth?Copy !req
96. - Straight out
a donkey's mouth.Copy !req
97. You know what? Fuck it.
Any animal tooth will do.Copy !req
98. I want you to stick it
in some honey glaze,Copy !req
99. fry it with fat back,Copy !req
100. and serve it
in an old tin coffee can.Copy !req
101. - Forget everything I said
up to this point right now.Copy !req
102. Bring me some dandelion greens,
a cow hip, and a dog face.Copy !req
103. Wrap that whole mess
in an old Ebony magazine,Copy !req
104. and serve it to me
in a shoebox.Copy !req
105. - Okay, I want a platter
of stork ankles,Copy !req
106. an old cellar door,
a possum spine,Copy !req
107. and a human foot.Copy !req
108. - You want a human foot?Copy !req
109. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
110. - I got just one question
for y'all.Copy !req
111. - You want gravy
on that cellar door?Copy !req
112. - Oh, definitely.Copy !req
113. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
You gotta put gravy on that.Copy !req
114. - What's a cellar door
without gravy?Copy !req
115. - It's not food.Copy !req
116. - Mmm.Copy !req
117. - It's really-Copy !req
118. - Ugh.Copy !req
119. - Ah, man, I really had
to get out of the house.Copy !req
120. - I was glad you came out.
- I appreciate it.Copy !req
121. - For real.Copy !req
122. - Look here,
you check this girl out, man.Copy !req
123. She is fine.Copy !req
124. - She all right.
- Really?Copy !req
125. - Hey, man, I am going to go
to the bathroom.Copy !req
126. - Okay, man.
See you in a minute.Copy !req
127. - You know what?Copy !req
128. I told myself this morning
I wasn't gonna fall in love.Copy !req
129. You went and made me break
my only rule.Copy !req
130. I'm gonna take that
right quick-Copy !req
131. I am going to take that.
I'm going to use that.Copy !req
132. Okay.Copy !req
133. - Oh, hey, what's up, man?
You just got her number, huh?Copy !req
134. - Yeah, Cheyenne.
- Oh, is that her name?Copy !req
135. - Yeah, she was fly-y.Copy !req
136. - That's the girl
I was talking about.Copy !req
137. - Oh, snap. Are you serious?
- Yeah, dude.Copy !req
138. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- It ain't no thing, man.Copy !req
139. Forget it.
There's plenty of hotties here.Copy !req
140. - I just thought you
were talking about someone else.Copy !req
141. - Check her out.Copy !req
142. - I'm not a sports man,
but...Copy !req
143. think me and you
could touch down later,Copy !req
144. if you know
what I'm saying.Copy !req
145. Am I being stupid?
But for real though.Copy !req
146. Just give me your number,
whatever.Copy !req
147. Thank you, girl.
I'ma take that from you.Copy !req
148. - How did you get
over here so fast?Copy !req
149. - Huh?Copy !req
150. - Nothing.
It just seemed like you-Copy !req
151. - Oh, damn.
That reporter is smokin' hot.Copy !req
152. What the fuck?Copy !req
153. No.Copy !req
154. No!Copy !req
155. Huh?
Yeah.Copy !req
156. No.
No!Copy !req
157. - Hey, baby.
- How are you-Copy !req
158. are you doing that?
- Honey, what's wrong?Copy !req
159. - Oh, baby, I love you.Copy !req
160. I'm sorry.Copy !req
161. I was out, I was looking
at other women tonight.Copy !req
162. But you are all there is.Copy !req
163. All right,
I love you.Copy !req
164. - All right,
so Keegan has two dogs,Copy !req
165. which he has no control over
whatsoever.Copy !req
166. - That's not true.
That's not true.Copy !req
167. - That is true.Copy !req
168. - The little one
I've got some control over.Copy !req
169. The big one's an asshole.
- No.Copy !req
170. They don't listen to him.Copy !req
171. I don't understand
why you talk to them like that.Copy !req
172. My man will be like,
"Hey, Levi, would you stay awayCopy !req
173. from that Architectural Digest
magazine?" What's that?Copy !req
174. - Because-what's that?
He understands me.Copy !req
175. It's because he understands me.
- No, he does not.Copy !req
176. - Yes, he does.
- And by the way...Copy !req
177. I'm allergic to dogs, okay?Copy !req
178. Most people keep their dog
in a bathroom when I come over.Copy !req
179. When I go over his house,
his dogs talking about-Copy !req
180. Comes right up to me.Copy !req
181. And what do you say?
- I say "Levi,Copy !req
182. "what are you do-
Get outta here.Copy !req
183. "What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
184. "What are you doing?Copy !req
185. Are you doing it right now?
What are you doing right now?"Copy !req
186. - This is his dog.
- "Get away from him. Levi!Copy !req
187. "Get away from him.
Would you get away from him?Copy !req
188. "Get away from him!
Get away from him!Copy !req
189. "Get awa-
Get away!Copy !req
190. "Are you still standing there?
Get away from him!Copy !req
191. "Would you get away
from Jordan, please?Copy !req
192. Get away!"
- He's not listening to you.Copy !req
193. - And he-'Cause eventually
he leaves after the 50th time.Copy !req
194. He leaves.
He leaves.Copy !req
195. - That's boredom, my friend.
That is boredom.Copy !req
196. - When she does talk,
like, you're listening.Copy !req
197. - Yeah, oh, my God.
Last time, I was like,Copy !req
198. "Who are you?
You're brilliant."Copy !req
199. - I know.
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
200. Oh, my God.Copy !req
201. - Oh, my God!
- Amy, look at that one!Copy !req
202. - Oh, Megan!
- He is so cute.Copy !req
203. - That is
the cutest effing puppyCopy !req
204. I've ever seen
in my entire life.Copy !req
205. - Oh, my God,
I'm just gonna take him,Copy !req
206. and I just wanna bite
his little ears off.Copy !req
207. - I just wanna take
his little legs,Copy !req
208. and I could snack on 'em
like chicken drumettes.Copy !req
209. - Yeah, I just wanna take
his fuzzy little perfect head.Copy !req
210. I wanna put it in my mouth
and squeeze down on it hardCopy !req
211. until I have a puppy face
diamond in my mouth.Copy !req
212. - Mm, I feel like I have
to wrap his face in a towel,Copy !req
213. and then beat it
with a tire iron.Copy !req
214. - I'm going to buy that dog,
I'm going drive him to the vet,Copy !req
215. and I'm going to have him
put down immediately.Copy !req
216. Oh, my God.Copy !req
217. You what I'm gonna have to do?
- What?Copy !req
218. - I'm gonna have to take
that scruffy little nose...Copy !req
219. - Yes.
- And just kick it.Copy !req
220. I just have to-
- Yes.Copy !req
221. - I would kick it
until it comes up on my shoesCopy !req
222. like little puppy
snout slippers.Copy !req
223. And then I'm gonna go
to a party and everyone's like,Copy !req
224. "Oh, my God, where'd you
get those slippers?"Copy !req
225. I'll be like, "These are
my face slippersCopy !req
226. from my adorable,
dumb little puppy."Copy !req
227. - That's exactly what
I was going to say!Copy !req
228. - ESP!Copy !req
229. - Oh, my God, I just wanna
take his head.Copy !req
230. I wanna peel the skin
off of his skull.Copy !req
231. - I know where you're going.Copy !req
232. - I wanna just start throwing it
up like pizza doughCopy !req
233. until it's long, flat,
and round.Copy !req
234. I wanna take it to a picnic and
toss it around like a FrisbeeCopy !req
235. at a puppy-face-Frisbee
picnic!Copy !req
236. - Let's get him!
- Yeah!Copy !req
237. - So cute.
- So cute.Copy !req
238. Oh, my God,
is it me,Copy !req
239. or is it like totally
mosquito-y out here?Copy !req
240. - Oh, my God,
remember this one?Copy !req
241. He was so cute.
- So cute.Copy !req
242. - And now,
ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
243. the man you've been waiting for,
Mr. Michael Winslow!Copy !req
244. - Go get 'em, Winslow.Copy !req
245. Bring the noise!
Bring the noise.Copy !req
246. Another sold-out night
for the Kings of Mouth Noise.Copy !req
247. I tell you though,Copy !req
248. we wouldn't have this audience
without Winslow.Copy !req
249. Lucky for you, huh?Copy !req
250. Those Police Academy fans.Copy !req
251. Look at all the tee shirts.Copy !req
252. Six sequels.
Can you believe it?Copy !req
253. Every sound effect
this guy makesCopy !req
254. is like a little, tiny Mona Lisa
popping out of his mouth.Copy !req
255. Have you ever heard him doCopy !req
256. the walking
through the leavesCopy !req
257. in the fall
while eating an apple-Copy !req
258. Whew!Copy !req
259. Whew!Copy !req
260. - Shing.Copy !req
261. Ting, ting, ting.Copy !req
262. - Ting, ting, ting.Copy !req
263. Shing!Copy !req
264. - Shing!Copy !req
265. - Whap!Copy !req
266. Pa-chhh!Copy !req
267. Chh!Copy !req
268. - All right, so one of the worst
places to be a black man...Copy !req
269. - Yes?Copy !req
270. - Is at a party where there's
only white people there.Copy !req
271. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
272. It's just way to much pressure
to provide all of the fun.Copy !req
273. - Yes!Copy !req
274. Oh, you can't-
- Way too much pressure.Copy !req
275. - You cannot cross
the dance floor at all.Copy !req
276. If I need a drink
at one of these parties,Copy !req
277. I will go around the perimeter
of the party.Copy !req
278. 'Cause you know
if you go through this,Copy !req
279. you will have a group
of white people around youCopy !req
280. talking about, "Go, Jordan!
Go, Jordan! Go, Jordan!"Copy !req
281. - That's true.Copy !req
282. And that used to happen to meCopy !req
283. all the time
when I was in school.Copy !req
284. I never even noticed until one
of my friends-a white friend-Copy !req
285. I was, like, 40 minutes late
for a party one time.Copy !req
286. And I show up,
I come in the front door,Copy !req
287. my friend's like,
"Oh, my God,Copy !req
288. thank God you're here."Copy !req
289. There was, like, a group
of white people sitting aroundCopy !req
290. for 40 minutes waiting
for the black guy to show up.Copy !req
291. - Just got your check.
- Yeah.Copy !req
292. Damn.Copy !req
293. Look how much I lost
in taxes.Copy !req
294. Damn government!
Look at that.Copy !req
295. Might as well join
the Tea Party.Copy !req
296. - Excuse me.
What did you just say?Copy !req
297. - "Might as well join
the Tea Party."Copy !req
298. - Come with me.
- Whoa! What's going on?Copy !req
299. - You are the chosen one.Copy !req
300. - What the hell
are you talking about, man?Copy !req
301. - We've been waiting for you.
- Waiting for me? What?Copy !req
302. What the hell is this?
- I found him!Copy !req
303. - Tell them what you were
telling your friend.Copy !req
304. - I hate taxes?Copy !req
305. - What do you find appealingCopy !req
306. about the politics
of the Tea Party?Copy !req
307. - I'm not a politician.
- A real man of the people.Copy !req
308. - How do you feel
about the Second Amendment?Copy !req
309. - I don't want this.Copy !req
310. - Taken away from you,
just like the rest of us.Copy !req
311. One of many issues
you're passionate about.Copy !req
312. Oh!
Smile.Copy !req
313. - Oh!Copy !req
314. - Now, come meet your public.
- Public?Copy !req
315. What are you talking about?
I ain't got no public.Copy !req
316. What is this?Copy !req
317. - Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
318. the new leader
of the Minnesota Tea PartyCopy !req
319. and the next president
of the United States.Copy !req
320. What's your name?
- Terrell Jackson.Copy !req
321. - Perfect.
Terrell Jackson!Copy !req
322. - Ah!Copy !req
323. Look, look, I don't want
any part of this, all right?Copy !req
324. - You hate the government.
That's great!Copy !req
325. - Show us your gun again!Copy !req
326. - Look, y'all are just
too creepy.Copy !req
327. You can have this back.Copy !req
328. - Ah!
- Oh!Copy !req
329. - Great! Where are we gonna find
another black guy?Copy !req
330. - Hey, baby.
- Mm.Copy !req
331. - Wake up.Copy !req
332. - Mm,
what time is it?Copy !req
333. - What are you doing?
- Good morning.Copy !req
334. - Hey!Copy !req
335. - Come on, girl.
It's time to get up.Copy !req
336. Let's go!Copy !req
337. - Delete the picture,
motherfucker!Copy !req
338. - Okay, um, uh,
delete.Copy !req
339. Deleting it.
Um, delete photo.Copy !req
340. Okay.Copy !req
341. It's gone.
It's all gone.Copy !req
342. - Thanks, baby.
Mm.Copy !req
343. How do you want your eggs?Copy !req
344. - Scrambled.Copy !req
345. - One of the hardest jobs
in the militaryCopy !req
346. has to be
military recruiter.Copy !req
347. That is tough.
- That's a tough one all right.Copy !req
348. Because you have to look
somebody in the eyeCopy !req
349. and tell them their first job
out of high schoolCopy !req
350. is getting shot at.
- Right.Copy !req
351. - You know, that's-
that is hard.Copy !req
352. - Yeah, or, like,
to appeal to kids,Copy !req
353. they made that one commercial
where there's, like, the marineCopy !req
354. going, and he's going through
a futuristic obstacle course.Copy !req
355. - And then he gets
past the pendulums,Copy !req
356. and then there's a rockCopy !req
357. with what appears to be
Excalibur in it.Copy !req
358. - Oh, and he's going
to need ExcaliburCopy !req
359. because he's about to fight
a lava demon.Copy !req
360. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
361. - With a fire whip!Copy !req
362. - Yes.Copy !req
363. Yes.Copy !req
364. But I understand it
a little bitCopy !req
365. because you have to cater
the commercialsCopy !req
366. to certain demographics.Copy !req
367. And right now,
with the recent-Copy !req
368. the repeal
of don't ask, don't tell,Copy !req
369. there's a whole new
demographic out thereCopy !req
370. that they can recruit.
- Sure, sure.Copy !req
371. - A whole lot of flowers
to be plucked.Copy !req
372. - Yes.Copy !req
373. - Sergeant Crandall,
United States Army recruiter.Copy !req
374. How y'all doing?Copy !req
375. This is my associate
Sergeant Graham Packs.Copy !req
376. Yeah!Copy !req
377. - Huh-huh!
Huh, huh, huh-huh!Copy !req
378. Ha, ha, ha.
Nice beat, gentlemen.Copy !req
379. - We wanna talk to you
about your future,Copy !req
380. and where you fit in
the United States Army, y'all!Copy !req
381. - Yeah, in case
you haven't heard,Copy !req
382. we are asking,
and you're telling.Copy !req
383. - That's right,
no restrictions, man.Copy !req
384. You gonna be surrounded
by dudes all day.Copy !req
385. Y'all can exercise together.
You can shower together.Copy !req
386. - Talking 'bout soap, water-
the works!Copy !req
387. - Now I know what you're
thinking.Copy !req
388. "The army's dangerous."Copy !req
389. But the fact of the matter is
everything's dangerous.Copy !req
390. - All depends on
what your definitionCopy !req
391. of the word "danger" is.Copy !req
392. - Oh, yeah!
Oh, here we go!Copy !req
393. - We got a friend.
All right.Copy !req
394. - Hey!
Navy already got him.Copy !req
395. But you're better off
in the armyCopy !req
396. 'cause we gonna get you
in the best shapeCopy !req
397. in your whole life!Copy !req
398. - Whoo!
Talking 'bout a six pack.Copy !req
399. - Blip!
- Gonna give you an eight pack.Copy !req
400. - Sclip!
- Hey, we'll even give youCopy !req
401. a jet pack.Copy !req
402. - That's a joke, man.
He a joke, he a funny guy.Copy !req
403. We ain't got jet packs.
- Oh!Copy !req
404. - Oh, that's my cut, man!Copy !req
405. - Oh, what what?Copy !req
406. - Go ahead, go ahead.Copy !req
407. - You got to isolate,
then isolate,Copy !req
408. then I-so-late.
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
409. Tell you something
right now, man.Copy !req
410. Combat is just a bunch of men
in a tight spaceCopy !req
411. with flashing lights
and loud noises.Copy !req
412. - Like-Copy !req
413. - Just like this.Copy !req
414. - Yeah, you'll fit right in
at home.Copy !req
415. - It's gonna be great.
Oh, here it is.Copy !req
416. Oh, can't stop it.
Can't stop it.Copy !req
417. - Go, Crandall.
Sergeant Crandall.Copy !req
418. Crandall, Crandall, Crandall.
And hold it.Copy !req
419. - What?
- Hold it.Copy !req
420. - Gotta do?Copy !req
421. - And hold it right there.
- Whoo!Copy !req
422. - I'm a robot.
- Robot.Copy !req
423. Excuse me there,
young man.Copy !req
424. Have you ever thought about
joining the United States Army?Copy !req
425. It's-
Oh, oh, excuse me.Copy !req
426. I will, uh, talk to you two
later-pardon me.Copy !req
427. - What's all this?Copy !req
428. - This is your lucky night.Copy !req
429. I wanna be your fantasy.Copy !req
430. Whatever you want me to do.Copy !req
431. Whatever you wanna do to me.Copy !req
432. You just tell me
your naughtiest fantasies, Phil,Copy !req
433. and you'll get it.Copy !req
434. - Seriously?Copy !req
435. - Seriously.Copy !req
436. - Like, for realsies?
- For realsies.Copy !req
437. - Well, how about we call up
your friend Erica-Copy !req
438. Aah!Copy !req
439. - Good night, everybody!
Good night.Copy !req
440. Thank you for coming out.Copy !req
441. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
442. - Finally, the dog licks me,
by the way. What did you say?Copy !req
443. - "Levi, get outta here.
You broke the contract!"Copy !req
444. - Verbal contract
with the animal.Copy !req
445. What is that? You could just
lock him in the bathroom!Copy !req
446. - I couldn't do that 'cause it
was a training moment for him.Copy !req
447. - It was a training moment
for me too.Copy !req
448. I learned never to go
to your house again.Copy !req