1. - The zombies have
broken through!Copy !req
2. I repeat, zombies!Copy !req
3. - Aah!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
4. Tommy's been bit!Copy !req
5. - Aah, damn!Copy !req
6. Damn it!
No, no, no!Copy !req
7. - What are you waiting for?
You know what you have to do!Copy !req
8. - No, I ca-
I ca-I can't do it.Copy !req
9. - D-do what?Copy !req
10. - You have to do it!
He's been bit!Copy !req
11. - Yes-aah!
Aah! Unh! Aah!Copy !req
12. - No, no, no!
- Forgive me, Tommy!Copy !req
13. - No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
14. - Oh, no!Copy !req
15. - Aah!Copy !req
16. I ca-I can't believe
the zombies bit him!Copy !req
17. - It wasn't
a zombie, it was a raccoon.Copy !req
18. Zombies and raccoons, right?Copy !req
19. No, it's just zombies?Copy !req
20. Oh, shit,
you just killed Tommy.Copy !req
21. - Yeah!Copy !req
22. Thank you!Copy !req
23. - Thank you.Copy !req
24. - Welcome to the show everybody,
I am Keegan.Copy !req
25. - And I am Jordan.Copy !req
26. - And this is Key & Peele.
- Yes.Copy !req
27. - So thanks for coming out.
- Thank you.Copy !req
28. Now I just wanna
start off by sayingCopy !req
29. we are huge horror movie fans.
- Yes.Copy !req
30. - We love horror movies.
- We love the slashers.Copy !req
31. - Don't know if anybody's seen-
- Skite-skite-skite-skite!Copy !req
32. - Yeah, that's
our jam right there.Copy !req
33. - I don't know if anyone's
seen that movie Candyman?Copy !req
34. That's one
of our favorites, Candyman.Copy !req
35. That's the movie where you
say "Candyman" five timesCopy !req
36. into a mirror in the bathroom,
and a black dudeCopy !req
37. from the 19th century
with a hook for a handCopy !req
38. and bees all over his face
comes out, and he kills you.Copy !req
39. That's just relevant because
if you watched that movie,Copy !req
40. and you went home and you
said "Candyman" five timesCopy !req
41. into a mirror,
you are a white person.Copy !req
42. - Yes, a black person
would never do that.Copy !req
43. - Nope, we don't do that.Copy !req
44. - We do not take chances
with the supernatural.Copy !req
45. Just in case.Copy !req
46. - Well, the last thing that came
along that we didn't understandCopy !req
47. ended up bringing us to America,
so that was kind ofCopy !req
48. a fucked up situation.Copy !req
49. That's why street magicians,
like, on the street-Copy !req
50. Like, a black person,
we will just excuse ourselves-Copy !req
51. - Oh, no, we will
vacate the premises.Copy !req
52. - From that whole situation.
It would be like this-Copy !req
53. "Was the four
of clubs your card?"Copy !req
54. - "Oh, hell no.
You a demon, so..."Copy !req
55. - But, babe, moving out?Copy !req
56. Please, this
is the worst possible time.Copy !req
57. Please don't do this.Copy !req
58. Babe?Copy !req
59. - Garbage.
- Huh?Copy !req
60. - Can I take your garbage?Copy !req
61. - Yeah, sure.Copy !req
62. You know, I find
the more garbage in the can,Copy !req
63. the better it feels
to dump it all out.Copy !req
64. I suppose that's
why we let it get so fullCopy !req
65. in the first place.Copy !req
66. So we can start over.Copy !req
67. - Here to fix the copier.
- Yeah, sure, sure.Copy !req
68. Hey, how did you-Copy !req
69. - Sometimes things
ain't really broken.Copy !req
70. It's the way
we treat 'emCopy !req
71. that needs to be fixed.Copy !req
72. Heh.Copy !req
73. - Who the hell
are you guys?Copy !req
74. The important question
is who are you, Steve?Copy !req
75. - Well, if it
isn't Mr. Stanley.Copy !req
76. - Carl.Copy !req
77. - You need to find
your own troubled white boy.Copy !req
78. - I was here first.Copy !req
79. Copycat!Copy !req
80. - Aagh!Copy !req
81. Sweep this...Copy !req
82. bitch!Copy !req
83. - Unh!Copy !req
84. Uh-oh.
- Hah!Copy !req
85. - Whoa! Unh!Copy !req
86. - Damn!Copy !req
87. Chesterfield!Copy !req
88. There can be only oneCopy !req
89. magical negro!Copy !req
90. Hunh!Copy !req
91. Yaarrgh!Copy !req
92. - Good lord.Copy !req
93. Are you all right?Copy !req
94. Well, I guess sometimes
things have to come apartCopy !req
95. before we can put
'em back together again.Copy !req
96. - Oh, you're
a magical negro too.Copy !req
97. - Who you callin' "negro,"
bitch?Copy !req
98. - So Keegan's the nicest
guy in the world.Copy !req
99. Too nice, though.
- You think I'm too nice.Copy !req
100. - Sometimes you're too nice.
- Okay.Copy !req
101. - That one time
we went to a restaurant.Copy !req
102. We're starving, and
we are going to a restaurant,Copy !req
103. and there is a woman
outside the doorCopy !req
104. of the restaurant
with a clipboardCopy !req
105. talking about giving money
for homeless kids.Copy !req
106. - Very nice girl,
Very sweet girl.Copy !req
107. - I don't care,
I don't care.Copy !req
108. - Very sweet.
- Of course she's sweet.Copy !req
109. I don't care.Copy !req
110. You do not stop for a bitch
with a clipboard.Copy !req
111. - Jordan-
- Don't do it, Keegan.Copy !req
112. - Let's talk about
what you did.Copy !req
113. Let's talk about
what he did for a second.Copy !req
114. This is my man right here-
my man just said,Copy !req
115. "Just so you know,
it's a no for me."Copy !req
116. Excuse me,
uh-huh, mm-hmm.Copy !req
117. - Look at that.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.Copy !req
118. Mm, thank you, mm!Copy !req
119. - Well, that's because-
No, that's becauseCopy !req
120. you have to know-Copy !req
121. - Yeah, mm-hmm, mmm!Copy !req
122. - That's because I know he's
gonna be out thereCopy !req
123. for the next 48 minutes
talking about,Copy !req
124. "Fascinating, fascinating.Copy !req
125. "Why aren't these kids housed?Copy !req
126. "What's wrong?
I wanna know.Copy !req
127. "I wanna know
all the info.Copy !req
128. "What are their names?
One at a time.Copy !req
129. "Give them to me,
alphabetical.Copy !req
130. "No, I'll remember them.
I have a good memory.Copy !req
131. "I'll give you my email,
I'll give you my sosh.Copy !req
132. Do they have
a father figure?"Copy !req
133. "My name's Keegan.Copy !req
134. I'll give it to 'em."Copy !req
135. - All right.
Where you headed, youngster?Copy !req
136. - Yeah I'm headed to
the Cobo building on Jefferson.Copy !req
137. - All right, yeah,
Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue.Copy !req
138. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
139. So, uh, what
you in Detroit for?Copy !req
140. - Uh, gotta
do a presentation.Copy !req
141. - All right, okay.
Yeah, a presentation, okay.Copy !req
142. What are you presenting?Copy !req
143. - Uh, actually
it's about how market researchCopy !req
144. can be interpreted
with out-of-the-box solutions.Copy !req
145. - Oh, all right,
so you're gonna get this allCopy !req
146. outside the box, all right.Copy !req
147. - Most people
think that all customersCopy !req
148. are a single demographic.Copy !req
149. - Oh, okay, you're trying
to get all them demographicsCopy !req
150. up in here, all right.Copy !req
151. All right, yeah.Copy !req
152. - Online trends
are less linear than-Copy !req
153. - Oh, okay, online...
trends.Copy !req
154. Linear, mm-hmm.Copy !req
155. I'm also thinking about
doing the presentation naked.Copy !req
156. - Ooh.
- Just no clothes on.Copy !req
157. - Oh, yeah, yeah,
naked presentation.Copy !req
158. No clothes on, that's good.Copy !req
159. - Afterward, I might
just piss on the floorCopy !req
160. in front of everyone.Copy !req
161. - Oh, yeah,
okay, all right.Copy !req
162. Pissing right there
up in front of everybody.Copy !req
163. All right, sounds good.Copy !req
164. - Then I might just
shoot everybody in the place,Copy !req
165. you know.Copy !req
166. With the gun
I'm hiding in my ass.Copy !req
167. - Yeah, yeah,
gun way up in that ass.Copy !req
168. That's the way
to do it.Copy !req
169. - Cut my victims' faces off,
wear them as masks.Copy !req
170. - Mm-hmm, yeah,
masks go on the face.Copy !req
171. Uh-huh.
Yeah, okay.Copy !req
172. - Ich bin
ein schein. Heil Hitler.Copy !req
173. - Yep, okay,
heil Hitler to you too.Copy !req
174. - Heh.Copy !req
175. - All right, here we are.Copy !req
176. Oh, by the way.Copy !req
177. When you kill those people
with your ass gun,Copy !req
178. make sure to use
a serrated bladeCopy !req
179. to cut their faces off.Copy !req
180. Auf wiedersehen.Copy !req
181. - Call my agent.Copy !req
182. - Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man.Copy !req
183. - What up, Clyde?Copy !req
184. Hey look, man, I'm gonna
be real with you okay?Copy !req
185. This Alien Boy script,
I'm not feelin' it.Copy !req
186. I mean, it's hard
being Will Smith's son.Copy !req
187. I just wanna make sure
my next project reflectsCopy !req
188. that I'm a down-to-earth,
normal kid.Copy !req
189. Am I making any sense?Copy !req
190. - Yeah, yeah,
I'm reading you loud and clear.Copy !req
191. I've got a script right here,
very real, called Street Ball.Copy !req
192. - Talk to me.
- Okay, so you play Tony.Copy !req
193. He's a kid from the streets,
lives in the hoodCopy !req
194. in a house
with his mom.Copy !req
195. - Stop.Copy !req
196. House?Copy !req
197. Oh, it's like a...Copy !req
198. tiny mansion.
- Got it, go on.Copy !req
199. - So his mom and he,
uh, they live in this houseCopy !req
200. and she works
at a supermarket.Copy !req
201. - Stop.Copy !req
202. - Oh, yeah, a supermarket's
like a mansion,Copy !req
203. uh, but it's full of food,
and anyone can go there.Copy !req
204. - So, like,
where the butlers go?Copy !req
205. - Yeah, basically.
So he, uh-Copy !req
206. - And wait.Copy !req
207. You said his mom
was doing somethingCopy !req
208. at the supermarket?Copy !req
209. - Working.
- So...Copy !req
210. - Working is kind of like acting
on a set every dayCopy !req
211. in a film that
no one's ever gonna see.Copy !req
212. And it lasts
for the rest of your life.Copy !req
213. - Oh, like a maid!Copy !req
214. - Yeah, yeah, she's like
the maid of the supermarket.Copy !req
215. - Awesome, continue.Copy !req
216. - So anyway, Tony doesn't
make the basketball team, right?Copy !req
217. So he decides to start
playing pickup gamesCopy !req
218. of street ball outside.Copy !req
219. - So he plays basketball
in his plane?Copy !req
220. - No, on the ground.Copy !req
221. - In his limo?Copy !req
222. - No, uh, outside
is that stuffCopy !req
223. that goes by when
you're inside the limo.Copy !req
224. - Oh, snap!Copy !req
225. He plays basketball
outside the limo door?Copy !req
226. - Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
227. So then he gets
really good at basketball,Copy !req
228. and then blah-blah
blah-blah-blah, fast forward.Copy !req
229. At the heart of the story, Tony
has to choose between his mom-Copy !req
230. - Choose.Copy !req
231. - Yeah, "choose" is when
you have to make a decisionCopy !req
232. between two things you want,
but you can have only one.Copy !req
233. - But... there's two.Copy !req
234. - Yeah, but, I mean,
he can't have both.Copy !req
235. - What'd I say
about science fiction, Clyde?Copy !req
236. It's a no.Copy !req
237. - Okay, we'll pass.Copy !req
238. Achoo!Copy !req
239. - Dad bless you.
- Thanks.Copy !req
240. - Welcome to the show.Copy !req
241. Tonight we are a full hour
on Baby Prudence,Copy !req
242. the child who
was abducted yesterday.Copy !req
243. We have the 911 call
and the last taken home videoCopy !req
244. of Baby Pru.Copy !req
245. We have reporters
in the fieldCopy !req
246. as hundreds of people
are searching for-Copy !req
247. What's that?
They found her?Copy !req
248. She's fine?
Well fuck me! Gaa!Copy !req
249. - Uh, so I have been married,
uh, for 13 years.Copy !req
250. Thank you,
thank you.Copy !req
251. I'm very happily married.
- Gross.Copy !req
252. No, no, no.Copy !req
253. Your marriage is beautiful.
Your marriage is not gross.Copy !req
254. But for me,
that is not an option, marriage.Copy !req
255. - Okay, yeah, Jordan
is not a big fan of marriage.Copy !req
256. For Jordan, marriage is, um-
- The end of life.Copy !req
257. - Yes.Copy !req
258. The end of life.
- That, yes, yes.Copy !req
259. I don't get tattoos either,
by the way.Copy !req
260. - Mm-hmm.
- Okay?Copy !req
261. To me, marriage seems like
getting a tattoo that's aliveCopy !req
262. and makes you wait to watch
the next episode of everything.Copy !req
263. I don't want that.
- See, and I don't care.Copy !req
264. I just as soon wait for my wife
so we can watch it together.Copy !req
265. - Ew.Copy !req
266. No, no!Copy !req
267. But, okay, I like
to go to Amsterdam, for example.Copy !req
268. - Yes, mm-hmm.
- Every now and then.Copy !req
269. - Thank you!Copy !req
270. When you-when you get married,
you can't go to Amsterdam.Copy !req
271. - Oh, yes, you can.
- No.Copy !req
272. - I can go to Amsterdam
with my wife.Copy !req
273. - Yes,
but you can't Amsterdam.Copy !req
274. - Oh, well...Copy !req
275. - The mood is infectious
and exciting todayCopy !req
276. as people from
all walks of lifeCopy !req
277. celebrate becoming
the seventh stateCopy !req
278. to legalize gay marriage.Copy !req
279. We're here talking
to excited couples aboutCopy !req
280. how they feel
on this historic day.Copy !req
281. Oh, hi.
- Hi, hi.Copy !req
282. Uh, yeah, it's
a very historic dayCopy !req
283. for civil rights.Copy !req
284. - Whoo!
- And for gay Americans.Copy !req
285. And Americans
all over the country-Copy !req
286. - Whoo! We're gonna
get married! Yeah!Copy !req
287. Well, you know, wait-Copy !req
288. - We said that
it would be a conversation,Copy !req
289. you know what I mean?
Because we didn't knowCopy !req
290. this was gonna pass
so darn fast.Copy !req
291. - Oh, my God!
- So are you guys a couple?Copy !req
292. Are we a couple?Copy !req
293. Come on, girl,
let's get serious.Copy !req
294. - No, it's just so fast.
- My name is Lashawn.Copy !req
295. And this is right here
is my "Samwich."Copy !req
296. It's, uh, Samuel, yeah.Copy !req
297. And we're gonna
get married! Yeah!Copy !req
298. - That's so great.Copy !req
299. How long have you guys
been together?Copy !req
300. - Well, we've been-
- Three years.Copy !req
301. It's been forever,
we've been waiting forever!Copy !req
302. - It's really important
to know the person-Copy !req
303. - Who is the bride?
I am the bride.Copy !req
304. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!Copy !req
305. - Oh, well tell us
all about your plans.Copy !req
306. - You know, we never thought
it was important to haveCopy !req
307. a piece of paper,
so there's not any plans-Copy !req
308. - Oh, yeah!
Piece of paper!Copy !req
309. We're gonna get
that piece of paper, Sammy!Copy !req
310. - Yeah, yeah.
- That piece of paper!Copy !req
311. - Where do you think
you guys will get married?Copy !req
312. - You know, there's a lot
of hidden costs in a wedding-Copy !req
313. - Oh, everywhere!Copy !req
314. We're gonna
get married over hereCopy !req
315. and over there
and in the sky and on a cloud.Copy !req
316. - Oh, wow, it sounds like
it's gonna be a big wedding.Copy !req
317. - Well, you know it's just
a conversation that we have-Copy !req
318. - Girl, we're gonna rent
the moon and fill it with roses!Copy !req
319. - We really need to talk
about whether or not we thinkCopy !req
320. it's fair to even get married
when it's still illegalCopy !req
321. in so many
other states-Copy !req
322. - You see? Look at him!Copy !req
323. That's my man
with his big heart.Copy !req
324. I'm sorry, my husband.
You my husband now.Copy !req
325. - Well, we just-
- You my husband now, bitch.Copy !req
326. - We just don't wanna
rush into anything,Copy !req
327. because stuff
gets overturned.Copy !req
328. Remember what happened
in California.Copy !req
329. - Baby, I'm gonna
get a 14-karat ringCopy !req
330. the size
of 14 motherfuckin' carrots.Copy !req
331. That's what's up, doc!Copy !req
332. - Well, you two
certainly seem excited.Copy !req
333. - Yeah, do we seem excited?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
334. - Oh, okay.
- Congratulations.Copy !req
335. I hope you guys
have a wonderful life together.Copy !req
336. - We just-we really just
didn't think it was gonna pass.Copy !req
337. - We're gonna have a house
that's shaped like a unicorn,Copy !req
338. and we're gonna
have five little girls.Copy !req
339. Their names are gonna be
Etnie, Carousel, Sequin,Copy !req
340. Abercrombie, and Phantom.Copy !req
341. And we're gonna
have a little dog named Ruffalo.Copy !req
342. And the dog gonna
have a cat named Myriad.Copy !req
343. - And we have breaking news.Copy !req
344. Baby Lakisha has gone missing.Copy !req
345. For the next hour we will-
what's that? Nobody cares?Copy !req
346. Moving on, let's check in
with baby Prudence.Copy !req
347. Her 14th day home,
and she's still safe and sound.Copy !req
348. - No, I definitely-
I am very happily married,Copy !req
349. but I have to say
that there are timesCopy !req
350. in a relationship where
you have to use psychology,Copy !req
351. you know,
to get what you want.Copy !req
352. - Oh, definitely.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
353. - I know exactly-
I mean, I have a girlfriend,Copy !req
354. so I know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
355. For me it's when
I'm watching HBO,Copy !req
356. and the girl takes her top off
in the HBO show,Copy !req
357. which is inevitable.Copy !req
358. And the only way
I can continue watching the showCopy !req
359. is if I preempt her.Copy !req
360. I'm like, "Oh, see,
that's just a shameCopy !req
361. "she feels like
she has to do that.Copy !req
362. "It's just a shame.
It's gratuitous, is what it is.Copy !req
363. I don't even wanna watch-
We can watch it, but you know."Copy !req
364. - Oh, man.Copy !req
365. What I do,
I like to walk my dogs.Copy !req
366. But I pretend like
I hate walking my dogs.Copy !req
367. Because one hour of dog walking
equals five hours of football.Copy !req
368. - Yes, smart.Copy !req
369. - So I'll come in the door
just talking about, Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
370. - Right.Copy !req
371. - Ooh!
- Yeah, you gotta play it up.Copy !req
372. - My hammies!
- Yeah, yeah, you gotta...Copy !req
373. Very smart.
- Oh! Five hours of football.Copy !req
374. - So you sort of bank
the favor, in a way.Copy !req
375. - So, yeah,
I bank the favor.Copy !req
376. - Which is kind of-
Another thing I doCopy !req
377. is I will bank a complaint.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
378. - Yeah, if she does something
I don't really care aboutCopy !req
379. if she did it,
but I will wait.Copy !req
380. And I will wait until
she calls me out on some shitCopy !req
381. to bring it up.Copy !req
382. - Yeah, yeah.
- You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
383. - So if she
says to you, um,Copy !req
384. "why'd you leave
the toilet seat up?"Copy !req
385. - Bitch, why was
you late last week,Copy !req
386. and I ain't say nothing?Copy !req
387. I was gonna let
that shit slide!Copy !req
388. - That's very good.
I'm gonna try that.Copy !req
389. - Yeah.Copy !req
390. - Now, first,
let me just sayCopy !req
391. that I'm encouraged that so many
of you from the Republican partyCopy !req
392. have agreed
to meet me in this way.Copy !req
393. Now, as you know,
I've tried very hardCopy !req
394. to reach across the aisleCopy !req
395. and govern this country
from the middle.Copy !req
396. - Well...Copy !req
397. all due respect,
Mr. President,Copy !req
398. we disagree with you.Copy !req
399. - We think you should
run the country from...Copy !req
400. not the middle.Copy !req
401. - Well,
that's why we're here.Copy !req
402. If you would, I'd just
appreciate some feedbackCopy !req
403. on some new ideas
and directions for this country.Copy !req
404. Feel free to agree
or disagree.Copy !req
405. Whatever you want.Copy !req
406. - We're gonna disagree.Copy !req
407. - Yeah, disagree.
- Disagree.Copy !req
408. Disagree.Copy !req
409. - First, I think
the government is too big.Copy !req
410. I think we need
to shrink the sizeCopy !req
411. of the federal government
so that all decisionsCopy !req
412. can be made
at the state level.Copy !req
413. - We disagree, Mr. President.Copy !req
414. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
415. - You drive
a hard bargain, you win.Copy !req
416. - There we go.Copy !req
417. - Big government it is.Copy !req
418. - All right, next up, this
has been a hot button issue,Copy !req
419. but I think we can
settle it right here.Copy !req
420. No taxes for rich people.Copy !req
421. - We completely disagree!Copy !req
422. - Round two
goes to you guys.Copy !req
423. - Okay.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
424. - More taxes
for the rich.Copy !req
425. - What the fuck!Copy !req
426. - What is happening to us?Copy !req
427. - Man, I am taking
a beating here, guys.Copy !req
428. All right, last issue-
immigration.Copy !req
429. Now, we need
to secure our borders.Copy !req
430. And anybody
who's here illegallyCopy !req
431. should be hunted down
and deported.Copy !req
432. We disagree!Copy !req
433. - We are country of immigrants!
No!Copy !req
434. - We need a clear path
to citizenshipCopy !req
435. for all of those
who are already here!Copy !req
436. Aah!
Help me!Copy !req
437. - Great,
I love your ideas.Copy !req
438. Lastly, we cannot
regulate firearms.Copy !req
439. Yes, we can!Copy !req
440. Yes, we can!
Yes, we can!Copy !req
441. Yes, we can!
Yes, we can!Copy !req
442. - All right, all right.
If you guys say so.Copy !req
443. And nobody better
throw me a cigarette.Copy !req
444. Ain't I a stinker?Copy !req
445. - Oh, hell no, you a demon!
No, no, you a demon.Copy !req
446. - Good night, everybody!
Thank you!Copy !req
447. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
448. - When you get married,
you can't hang out with a girlCopy !req
449. who is just
a friend anymore.Copy !req
450. - No, no, that's not true.Copy !req
451. There are some women out there
who are more than willingCopy !req
452. to let you hang out
with your female friends.Copy !req
453. - Okay, well, when
I meet that mythical bitch-Copy !req
454. my knee will hit the floor.Copy !req