Key & Peele 1x2

1. What's up, yeah! Oh, shit, nigga.

2. You know it's true.

3. Yeah. Y-

4. - I'm the leader of the free world.

5. - I mean, the president, how you-?

6. Forget y'all.

7. - Hey.

8. - Wow. - Pretty good.

9. Really?

10. - Welcome to the show. I am Keegan.

11. - And I am Jordan. - And this is Key and Peele.

12. - Yes, welcome. - Thank you for coming.

13. - Keegan and I both have white moms.

14. - Yes, yes. - This is true.

15. We have white moms, and, uh, the thing

16. about having a white mom and being a black guy is,

17. as a kid, a white mom can't hit a black kid in public.

18. - Can't do it. Can't do it.

19. Gets too racial too fast. - That's right.

20. It escalates. It escalates to this racial thing, and I was-

21. I became aware of this at a very young age.

22. I think my mother spanked me once in the grocery store.

23. I swear to God, Keegan, l- you know that tear

24. that Denzel Washington does in Glory...

25. - Yeah. - When he's getting whipped?

26. - Yeah, yeah. - That's what I did, and l-

27. I promise you, just instinctively,

28. it came out of me. This is what I did.

29. Just hit me like you're my mom in the grocery store.

30. Mr. Louis...

31. Thank you for coming in

32. with your associates.

33. I know this is hard to hear, but...

34. we need to make some serious decisions

35. about your mother's health. Let's be honest.

36. She is getting on in years.

37. - Oh, snap.

38. Okay, I see how it is. I see how it is.

39. Well, yo mama so old, her last name is "osaurus."

40. - Boom!

41. - N-no, Mr. Louis, it wasn't an insult.

42. L-I was just saying that your mother's condition

43. is deteriorating, uh, because she's getting older.

44. - Oh, see that's cold, though. That's a cold one, okay.

45. Okay, I see how it is. Hey, y'all.

46. Yo mama so old, in her history class,

47. they just wrote down what they was doing.

48. He's talking about- he's talking about-

49. ch-ch-ch-ch-ch- ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-

50. - That's you!

51. - Mr. Louis, this isn't an insult contest.

52. Not only is your mother elderly,

53. but also her ability to walk

54. is currently being affected by her weight.

55. - Oh. - Ooh.

56. - See, okay. It just got real.

57. - No, I'm not insulting her. I'm trying to tell you the-

58. - Yo mama is so fat, when she go to the movie theater,

59. bitch sitting next to everyone.

60. - Excuse me. Excuse me. - Listen to me, okay?

61. Your mother needs to manage her weight,

62. or there can be some real problems.

63. - Oh... kay!

64. All right. Oh, yeah.

65. Yo mama is so fat, she need a latitude and longitude number

66. to find her own asshole.

67. - Oh!

68. - Look at his face! Yeah! Look at his face!

69. - Ah! Ah! - Give it to him.

70. - Oh. - Give me some.

71. - It's coordinates, son. Coordinates.

72. Now who's the doctor?

73. - I am the doctor. Mr. Louis, I am.

74. And it is my job to make sure that your mother

75. is getting the care that she needs.

76. We are talking about the woman who took care

77. of you your whole life.

78. The least you can do is take care of her

79. in her old age and take this seriously!

80. - I'm sorry.

81. - I'm sorry that I lost my temper.

82. - No, really, doctor.

83. I guess... I was just joking around

84. because I know her condition is really serious.

85. And... I don't know, I guess humor

86. is the only way I can really deal with it, uh-

87. I just know that she's said so many times

88. she doesn't want anything invasive done.

89. - Really? I was not aware of that.

90. Um, that's interesting, because she did not mention that

91. to me in our previous conversation.

92. 'Course it was difficult to hear her

93. with my dick in her mouth.

94. Snap, Mr. Louis.

95. Oh, snap.

96. Now let's talk about the procedure.

97. - Hello, everybody out there.

98. This is Brock Favors with traffic on the ones.

99. Chad Armstrong is out sick today,

100. so I am filling in from my usual land reports

101. and, uh, I'm up here in the chopper.

102. But I gotta tell you guys, I am loving the view.

103. Oh, shit!

104. Oh, my god!

105. Oh, oh, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop.

106. Oh!

107. Whew.

108. All right.

109. Well, we are, um, uh-

110. we are over the 10.

111. It is massively clogged down there,

112. like a pint of maple syrup on a cool November morning.

113. And we just-oh, shit! Motherfucker, god damn!

114. We gon' die in this motherfucker!

115. Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

116. Oh, my god!

117. Whew, whew, whew!

118. Okay.

119. Okay, I am, uh- I am very sorry, folks.

120. It's a little bit of a bumpy ride up here.

121. We are now approaching the 405,

122. ah, where the left lane is blocked by a mattress.

123. So somebody is, uh, gonna be doing

124. a little return to Ikea later today, you know what I'm say-

125. Oh, no, nigga, please! Shit! Oh, god damn!

126. Oh, get me out this motherfucking death machine

127. right now! Oh, no!

128. Black people ain't meant to be in the sky!

129. We ain't meant to be in the sky, man!

130. Oh, mama, help me.

131. Motherfucker.

132. Oh, mama! Aah! Oh, shit!

133. Well, the 405 is fucked up right now.

134. Ain't nobody going down this shit. I'm sorry.

135. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, folks.

136. I'm very sorry about that,

137. but I am losing my shit up here.

138. - Actually, you have every right to.

139. We're about to crash.

140. - Oh, fuck, help me!

141. Shit! Oh, my god, help!

142. Mama, please! Mama! Help!

143. - So- so here's something.

144. Jordan and I love to watch white guys fight.

145. - Yes, favorite pastime. - It's sublime, mm-hmm.

146. - 2:00 a.m. Outside of a bar,

147. any night, any morning, you can see this, and-

148. - It's the great-it's- - Best thing in the world.

149. - It's like watching Nat Geo. - Oh, it's-

150. - It's the Discovery Channel for us.

151. It's Animal Planet.

152. Well, this is how it happens. - It's so great.

153. - White guys-there's- it starts with phase one.

154. - Phase one, which is the, uh- the arm-back phase.

155. - Hands back, just completely- - And chest out and arm back.

156. - Chest out, arms back. - And it's lots of,

157. "You wanna do something? Let's do something then."

158. - "What are you doing? What are you doing, bro?"

159. - "What are you doing?" - "You wanna do something?"

160. - "I'm already doing something." - I need to keep my arms back

161. as if they're so dangerous, I gotta keep them back here.

162. - Yo, phase two. - Phase two.

163. - They l- they lock horns.

164. - "You w-let's go. Let go of me, dude."

165. "Let go of me right now." - "Let go of my shirt."

166. - "Let go of my shirt. I'm gonna-"

167. - "I'm not on your shirt." - "You're on my shirt, dude.

168. "Get off of my shirt, man. Get off my shirt.

169. Get off of my shirt." - "Dude."

170. - "Let go of my shirt."

171. - Two minutes later. - Two minutes later.

172. "I fucking love you!" - "You're my best friend, dog."

173. - "You are my brother, dude. Do you know that?"

174. - "I would never do anything to you."

175. - "I would never do that to you."

176. - Fast-forward two minutes.

177. - "All right, just get off me." - "What the hell?"

178. - "Let go of me." - "You let go of me, dude."

179. - "Let go of me." - "You let go of-"

180. White dudes cannot decide if they want to fight or not.

181. - Yeah. - They can't do it.

182. - Then phase four comes, and that's when one of the guys

183. has the genius idea to do the "fake-out."

184. And, uh, so he's gonna walk away, act like-

185. and then do a sneak attack

186. using karate, which he does not practice.

187. - Right, so it's like- - So it's just like-

188. - "I don't even care. I don't even care anymore, dude."

189. - "I don't care." - "Forget about that.

190. You know what?"

191. - "What are you doing, man?"

192. And always-always, there is a drunk white girl

193. on the sidelines just talking about,

194. "You guys, stop fighting!"

195. - "Megan, shut up."

196. - "I don't need your help, Megan."

197. - "You guys are best friends!"

198. - "Megan, seriously, Megan.

199. Shut up!"

200. - I love this place. - This place is amazing.

201. - Amazing. - So hot.

202. - Got like four stars somewhere. - I heard it got six stars,

203. which is, like, impossible.

204. - Oh, my god. Let's take a picture.

205. - Let's take a picture right now. Oh, my god, here we go.

206. - Oh, my god, I'm making a face.

207. - Oh, my god, I'm, like, one big nose. Delete it.

208. - Ew, delete it.

209. - Ew. - What am I doing? I'm gross.

210. - Why do I look like an orca whale?

211. - Delete it. - Delete it.

212. [Gun fires, screaming] - Everybody on the ground!

213. - Oh, my god. We're getting robbed.

214. - Oh, my god, oh my god, oh, my god, oh, my-

215. Oh, my god, what's my eye doing?

216. - Ew, I look like I'm 40.

217. Delete it. - Oh, my god.

218. - Let's get out of here, but delete it.

219. - Get down! Down!

220. - Oh, my god, I look like somebody unwrapped a mummy.

221. - God, I look like a five-year-old drew me.

222. - Totally delete it. - Delete it.

223. - Delete it. - Right?

224. - Police! Drop your weapon!

225. - Ew, I totally look like Cloverfield.

226. - Did I just have a stroke or something?

227. Delete it.

228. - Right? - Yeah.

229. - L-ladies, can you just show me

230. the picture you were talking about, please?

231. - Oh, it's like- - Yeah, stop.

232. Great, right there. That's great.

233. Grady, we got a clear shot of the perpetrator.

234. He's holding a shotgun and everything.

235. Wai-wait, wait, where'd the picture go?

236. - We deleted it. - Gross.

237. - What? - I had childbirth face.

238. - Yeah, I looked like my grandmother having an orgasm.

239. - Delete it. - Delete it.

240. - Grady, book these idiots for destroying evidence.

241. - Ow. Ew.

242. Why are you being so "manhandly"?

243. - I can't believe this. Why are we even-

244. we were the heroes of the evening.

245. - Ridiculous. - We stopped the perpetrator.

246. Now we're being arrested? - Can we please-

247. Oh, my god, these cops should be arrested.

248. - This is a miscarriage of justice, the entire th-

249. - What? No fucking way.

250. - Oh, my god, you cannot- - Delete it.

251. - You cannot arrest me with that picture.

252. Are you kidding me? - Delete it.

253. - I was blinking. This is ridiculous.

254. - Delete it. - Delete it right now.

255. Delete it. You must delete this photo.

256. - Delete it. No. - Delete it.

257. I'm not leaving until he deletes it.

258. - He has a picture of us. Delete it.

259. - I'm not leaving until he- you gotta delete it!

260. You've gotta delete it. - Just delete it.

261. - You have to delete this pic- - Delete it!

262. - Kee-when Keegan laughs, when he finds something funny...

263. - Mm-hmm. - It's over, you have to move.

264. - I have to move.

265. It's out of the question for me to laugh sitting still.

266. It doesn't happen.

267. If I'm watching television alone, by myself,

268. in my home, this will happen.

269. Um, and a little bit of these.

270. Yeah. - Nobody-

271. nobody even there to watch it.

272. - I can't do it. I can't sit still.

273. I have to express myself physically,

274. and so a really serious situation for me

275. is watching a comedy on a plane.

276. - Oh, gosh. - That is a problem.

277. - Yes, l-I do feel for your fellow passengers.

278. - I was literally on a plane watching Bridesmaids,

279. and you remember the scene where she's got on the wedding dress,

280. and she poops in the middle of the street?

281. - Yeah.

282. - That scene comes on, and this is what literally happens to me.

283. I go-I went like this- I went,

284. "Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.

285. Oh! This-excuse me."

286. "Oh, shit!"

287. "Oh, shit!

288. "Oh, shit!

289. Oh, drink cart. Drink cart."

290. I'M SORRY Whoo!

291. - Ladies and gentlemen,

292. please turn off your cell phones and enjoy our production

293. of Lunch with Greatness.

294. - My, my, my.

295. What a beautiful day In Montgomery, Alabama.

296. I swear, the sun is so hot, I nearly melted.

297. - Indeed, Dr. King, but I suspect

298. we didn't meet here to talk about the weather.

299. - Indeed, brother Malcolm.

300. Unless, of course, we articulate

301. that the sun in this country

302. shines brighter on some than it does on others.

303. - Mm. - Yeah.

304. - Yes, but when the sun does shine on us,

305. it is growing the seeds of revolution.

306. - Amen. - That's what I'm talking about.

307. - I see your point, brother Malcolm,

308. but do not those same seeds need to be watered with love?

309. - I suppose that is the subject of some discussion, Dr. King.

310. - And I am all for discussion, brother Malcolm.

311. Unless, of course, the words devolve

312. into proclamations of hate.

313. - Yes. - Right.

314. - Well, is that not why we are here today, Dr. King-

315. to discuss?

316. - Yes, brother Malcolm.

317. And I am confident that as we discuss-

318. - We are going to discuss it

319. and discuss it

320. until I say that

321. our people have never resorted to violence

322. before the white man gave them no choice

323. but to pay him back

324. in the only currency he understands.

325. - Yes.

326. - Brother Malcolm,

327. is that what you really have to say...

328. at this point... in our lunch?

329. - Indeed, Dr. King,

330. because we didn't land on Plymouth Rock,

331. Plymouth Rock landed on us.

332. - Amen. - Mm-hmm.

333. - Okay, well, yes. All right.

334. Yeah, l-I've heard you say that before.

335. I... don't know why we're talking about rocks when,

336. in fact, it is the flesh and the bone

337. and the-the dreams- l-I have a dream

338. that someday our children will be judged

339. by the content of their character,

340. not by the color of their skin.

341. - Same for me. Same for me.

342. In fact, I believe that one day,

343. a black man will become the president

344. of the United States of America.

345. Yes.

346. - Hopefully for eight years.

347. Obama 2012.

348. - Oh, of course, eight years. Of course, eight years.

349. That's a given, right? That's a given.

350. You know? I mean, but in order to get there,

351. isn't he going to need the help

352. of our strong, beautiful, black women?

353. Gotta respect the sisters.

354. Gotta respect the sisters!

355. Gotta respect the sisters.

356. - As Wesley Snipes said in Passenger 57,

357. "Always bet on black." Yeah.

358. - Okay, so Keegan and l- we grew up in the '90s.

359. - Yes. - Uh, and if you don't know,

360. the fashion in the '90s was god-awful.

361. - Horrific.

362. And the-and the worst- the worst thing

363. in all the '90s were Z Cavariccis.

364. - See I d- I don't even know this.

365. - You know, Z Cavariccis- They-they were a pant.

366. And-and the waist of the pant was so high, it was like,

367. "what are you, a toreador?" - Mm-hmm.

368. - And they had these pockets that had these pleats on them,

369. which gave the illusion of hips on a man.

370. On a man. - Oh, yeah.

371. - The leg looked like an ice cream cone,

372. Just, whoop! Tapered in here.

373. And then at the bottom, you would take the excess

374. and just go like that and roll them up

375. to taper an already tapered pant!

376. Why are you tapering the tapered pant?

377. - Why-why are you- why are you getting so mad?

378. - Because I wore them, Jordan.

379. I wore them.

380. - Thank you so much. - Thank you.

381. - Good night, everybody. - Good night.

382. - Good night. What?

383. You wanna go? You wanna go?

384. - You wanna go? - You wanna do it?

385. You wanna go do it right now? Let's go right now.

386. - Let go of my shirt, dude. - Let go of my shirt, dude.

387. - Let go of my-

388. - Oh, yeah.

389. - We asked 'em to move black people down, please.

390. - Black people in the front. - We have enough.

391. I love how, if you put white people in the back,

392. all of the sudden, they become rowdy.

393. What the fuck is that? "Yeah!"

394. - See, we didn't really mind being in the back

395. all those years. It's fun as shit back there.