Kevin 1x5

Directed by Casey Crowe

Jim O'Heir as (voice) • Ben Rodgers as (voice) • Joe Wengert as (voice) • Neil Casey as (voice) • Patti LuPone as Patti LuPony (voice)

A new strain of Kennel Cough forces Kevin and the rest of animals into quarantine. They turn on each other as mob mentality causes an obsession over identifying "Patient Zero." Armando finds himself at odds with Patti LuPony when he refuses to cancel Mame rehearsals despite being sick. Brandi feels betrayed by Seth's insistence on including her in the quarantine protocols.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Don't tell the softball league,

2. but I am on a heavy dose of Nugenix Total-T.

3. It makes my fur fall out, but I'm strong as an ox and hard as a—

4. Stop talking about your withered old dick. Here comes the kid.

5. All right, I'm ready. Throw me some heat.

6. Ow! Jesus Christ! Fuck you. Ow.

7. I don't think this guy's ever played softball before.

8. I have not, but I love being included in things, so please don't un-include me.

9. You got this, baby. It's only left field.

10. Last season, our left fielder was a shovel in a baseball cap.

11. Well, I got to be better than a shovel.

12. Hey! Dennis may have no arms, but he has plenty of heart.

13. So, Pretty Paws of Sunnyside, are they, like, good?

14. Because my friend Franny's coming, and I do not want to embarrass myself.

15. They're pretty good. They got this Maltipoo from Venezuela

16. who's being scouted by the Mets.

17. Well, the Mets haven't met Kevin yet.

18. Your nose is bleeding again.

19. Step. Step. Kick. Step. Flourish.

20. None of that was right. From the top.

21. Please, I beg you. Can we take five-minute break from Mame rehearsal?

22. I have been going hard on yerba mate.

23. Bathroom breaks are for real actors. You can piss in a bottle.

24. Oh, no. That is awful,

25. awful, terrible news.

26. Judy, what is going on in there?

27. There's lots going on in here.

28. Rainbows, the garbage man's dating status,

29. that big, tall, shadowy man in a hat who stands over my bed.

30. Not in your head, in Seth's office.

31. The Hat Man's food is nightmares.

32. Listen up, gang. We have some unfortunate news, but don't panic.

33. Stop panicking!

34. There's been an outbreak of kennel cough, y'all.

35. So you better get real fucking comfy

36. - because you're about to be quarantined. - Goddamn it.

37. Dennis is immunocompromised.

38. I'm Kevin.

39. Isn't kennel cough basically just a bad cold?

40. Actually, Queens is dealing with a nasty new strain called "Bordetella Beta."

41. "Symptoms may include: coughing, sneezing, sore throat,

42. fainting, a mucus-like discharge from the eyes..."

43. You're scaring Dennis! If he dies, who will dig his grave?

44. "And, in some cases—" Ugh.

45. "A smelly yogurt-like pus will excrete from your nipples."

46. Sucks for y'all sickies.

47. Since my test was negative, I'm going upstairs

48. to add to my big list of nepo babies.

49. Did you know Sabrina Carpenter is Bart Simpson's niece?

50. Seth!

51. Tell this monster man to let me through.

52. His name's Gun, uh, honey.

53. A-A-Am I saying that right?

54. Is it pronounced like the weapon? Is that how you say it?

55. Anyway, uh, Animal Control believes that we've been exposed, my love.

56. And Gun, as our state-appointed quarantine officer,

57. can't let anyone in or out of the rescue until all residents are symptom-free.

58. Well, then where the fuck am I supposed to go?

59. The Well Room.

60. For all of our furry friends who are exposed but asymptomatic.

61. No. No, no, no, no, no.

62. I am not spending all day locked up here with Glenn and his acorn farts.

63. I'm sorry, bran muffin. You stay strong.

64. - And stay in my heart forever and ever. - Ugh.

65. You know, Brandi, I'm kind of excited for us to get to know each other better.

66. If you could have dinner with anyone dead or alive—

67. Dead.

68. Is too bad we stuck here,

69. but Peter will use downtime to finally watch Six Feet Under.

70. Oh, no. I'm not letting some cold ruin my production of Mame.

71. If we can't go to rehearsal, then rehearsal is coming to us.

72. This is bullshit. I can't be in gen pop with everybody else.

73. There's no privacy. Where am I supposed to dial my pink telephone?

74. That's what you're thinking about right now? What about our game tomorrow?

75. What about my softball league debut?

76. You want to play ball, huh?

77. I do, and I need the practice.

78. - I got Franny coming to this. - Ooh.

79. She likes to watch, huh? Naughty, naughty.

80. Wait, hang on. Am I making you horny?

81. Ugh. Maybe I am sick. What were those symptoms again?

82. Mm, hard to think of anything but yogurt nipples. What else?

83. There was coughing, sneezing, fainting.

84. I don't do that weak-ass shit.

85. - Cupcake. - Kevin, come closer.

86. What is it, buddy? Is it bad?

87. I need you to help me make one last telephone call before I go.

88. - Okay. - The number is 917,

89. and then you hit the zero

90. - until I beg you to stop. - Okay.

91. Oh, no. Is that a line?

92. Okay, maybe

93. - I should just do another one. - Hey!

94. Do this someplace else, Glenn. I got to use the wee-wee pad,

95. and I don't need you watching me, you perv.

96. I've done a lot of work on myself, and I do not peep anymore, okay?

97. Somebody took a poo-poo on the wee-wee pad.

98. Where the hell am I supposed to do my business now?

99. I can help you go to the bathroom.

100. I used my crafting supplies to make a homemade catheter out of boba straws.

101. Judy, what are you doing back here?

102. I'm immune.

103. Apparently, I'm already so full of germs, there's not room for any more.

104. I knew we should've went to the heart. There's probably no line at the heart.

105. Hey-o, Tetanus. What are you doing all the way back there?

106. Get up here, gorgeous.

107. Seth made me a nurse,

108. and I see nurses all the time, so I know how to act like one.

109. I can also do hospital machines.

110. Beep. Beep. Beep...

111. Ah, fuck it. I'm gonna go piss on Kevin's Blu-rays.

112. When I hear the long beep, I see the Hat Man.

113. What kind of psycho buys The Irishman on Blu-ray?

114. Brandi, if you need some wet wipes, I have some fun ones called Dude Wipes.

115. Uh, excuse you.

116. I am a lady. I don't wipe, I scoot.

117. Oh, no. Are you okay?

118. Can I get you some cough drops?

119. Can I get you some cough drops?

120. - Oh, no, don't worry about me. - Oh, no, don't worry about me.

121. - But it's my job to worry about you. - Can we not do this shit right now?

122. Should we take Airborne? It was designed by teachers.

123. - The light! - Whoa!

124. It's so bright.

125. Is that you, sissy?

126. Wow, Cupcake's really sick. I thought she was invincible.

127. I mean, she dated the bat that started Covid.

128. Maybe it's just a 24-hour bug,

129. and it'll be really, really bad, but all over by tomorrow?

130. That's positive thinking.

131. - That doesn't apply to this situation. - What?

132. Even normal kennel cough is a multiple-day ordeal, and this strain

133. seems much, much, much, much, much, much worse.

134. Ugh! I'm gonna miss my game.

135. Who gave this to us? I want answers.

136. "Goat Throat."

137. Stop googling Nancy Reagan porn.

138. I don't use the computer for that.

139. I don't want the government seeing me doing that.

140. Bear? Did you have any helpful information for us?

141. I do. Bordetella Beta is also known as "Goat Throat,"

142. and it says here, on the failing New York Times,

143. that "most animals contract it after extended contact with goats."

144. But who here would be hanging out with goats?

145. Clover, I'm serious. This is really good.

146. Have you thought about expanding into cheese?

147. I mean, I'm not a fucking scientist, but this shit's gold.

148. Oh, shit.

149. Hey. Use the bike lane, asshole.

150. If you owned the stage, they would go around you. Now, get those knees up.

151. - What? - Oh! High knees.

152. High knees when you kick.

153. Goddamn it, Peter.

154. Sorry. Is difficult to see through painfully infected eyes.

155. Toughen up, man. The dog from Frasier

156. didn't miss a single mark the day he got his balls cut off.

157. How's it looking?

158. Fucking terrible.

159. You need to put more sauce on it.

160. We still can't hear you.

161. "Dab"? You're the director.

162. No, no, no.

163. Hey. Do you have to do that now? I want to see a permit.

164. Oh, goddamn it. Billy!

165. What the fuck? "Astoria Jackhammer Club"?

166. How is that a club? Cut.

167. Stop. And phone your loved ones 'cause we're gonna be here all n—

168. - Patti. - Listen, doll.

169. - We can't work like this. - I agree.

170. Put me on speaker, so I can tear everyone a new asshole.

171. 'Mando, the problem isn't with them, it's with you.

172. You're sick, and it's making you a bigger bitch than you normally are.

173. That's why I'm taking over this rehearsal.

174. Okay, nags. Company move.

175. We'll take the Queensboro Bridge. Five, six, seven, eight.

176. You must admit, they are majestic creatures.

177. Brandi? Could you be a dear and help me Bubble Boy myself?

178. It's moments like these where I really feel being single.

179. You know what, Glenn? I will lend you a helping hand because we need healing.

180. And there's nothing more healing than laughter. Hi-yah!

181. Oh, I'm taping this.

182. I'm sending this shit to Ridiculousness.

183. Seth! What in the holy hell are you doing?

184. I heard you cough.

185. That wasn't a cough. I was workshopping a new bark.

186. Oh, no. You're positive!

187. Hey! Do not say my personal info out loud like that.

188. That is a HIPAA violation.

189. The contagion, it's in here with us.

190. I'm exposed.

191. You have to take her to the sick room, Seth. You have to follow the protocol.

192. I know that, Glenn.

193. Well, I ain't going nowhere.

194. I put my brakes on. See that?

195. He can't move me once I put my brakes on.

196. It's true. When the brakes go on, the walk is over.

197. He can't do nothing now, except stand there crying

198. in his Bonobos like a little pussy.

199. These aren't pussy tears.

200. They're tears for what I must do next.

201. Oh, what the fuck? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

202. No, no!

203. Oh, dear. That's unnerving.

204. You think you locked me in a dog crate?

205. Nah. All you did was knock over the first domino.

206. And when that last one falls, well, you'll find out.

207. Armando, don't squish me, don't squish me.

208. It's Kristie.

209. I spied on your show like you wanted me to.

210. Where the fuck have you been?

211. I stayed up all night waiting for you.

212. Okay, I was on my way here,

213. but then I stopped off at Sardi's for one drink.

214. One, okay?

215. But then Chris Noth showed up, and, you know,

216. he had to start with the whole thing—

217. - The show, Kristie! - Oh.

218. Oh, yeah. I saw it, I saw it.

219. And, brother, it needs a lot of work.

220. I knew it. Patti's fucking it up.

221. I mean, the horses were stiff.

222. And the choreography was just so boring.

223. Around and around in a circle for hours.

224. There's no story there.

225. But the music slapped.

226. You went to the Central Park Carousel.

227. I have a drinking problem,

228. and I need help.

229. Oh, my God, this sucks.

230. Who get us so ill?

231. Does it even matter?

232. Let's just save our energy and focus on feeling better.

233. I know what'll make us feel better.

234. A nice hot cup of Sleepytime tea?

235. Revenge.

236. We should find the sick fucker who got us sick

237. and fuck him up.

238. Or we can channel all this anger

239. into winning the big softball game.

240. Let's not forget the real enemy here.

241. Pretty Paws of Sunnyside.

242. Boo!

243. Right, guys? Boo?

244. We're too sick for softball!

245. And my nipples hurt now!

246. Look at yogurt coming from the big dog's teat.

247. Well, I think you got us sick, rat boy!

248. I am not rat!

249. I am purebred Chihuahua. Yip, yip.

250. - And what about Cupcake? - Me?

251. She fuck anything that moves.

252. Goat move lots.

253. It was Armando.

254. He works with horses,

255. and I personally believe horses to be goats who have taken steroids.

256. Oh, please. It was Bear.

257. He's old and weak

258. and, I would have to assume, anti-vax.

259. I'll kill you!

260. Polly wants a riot!

261. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

262. Clack, clack, clack,

263. them dominos is falling.

264. Aah! Oh, no.

265. What you gonna do, punk?

266. I will bite you with a dog's mouth.

267. Okay, here's the game plan.

268. We hide in the drapes. We'll be safe in the drapes.

269. Sorry, Kevin. Mob mentality has won this round.

270. I'm going to kill one of the animals I live with.

271. Oh, my God. You guys are so mad about this.

272. I-I mean, we're all so mad about this.

273. Yeah, and when we figure out who did this to us,

274. we're gonna make them persona...

275. non grata.

276. They'll live, but they'll never live it down.

277. Like the guy in my chorus who farted during "Defying Gravity."

278. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

279. I'm gonna find this guy,

280. sleep with his sister, and then break her heart.

281. That's how we handle things...

282. up in the trees.

283. Fucking Seth.

284. That lanky male lesbian don't know what's about to hit him.

285. - Brandi. - Oh, shit.

286. I've got a big healing bowl

287. of bone broth for you.

288. Seth, can I talk to you?

289. Don't do this to me, Brandi.

290. I cannot let you out of there.

291. No, it's not like that. I just had time to reflect in here.

292. And in case this is the end...

293. No, I want us to die at exactly the same time!

294. I just want to thank you for all the stuff you buy me.

295. I miss it all so much.

296. My Roku Stick.

297. Oh, my hump pillow.

298. My poster of JC Chasez.

299. He should have been the breakout star of NSYNC.

300. God, you're so smart. And right.

301. You are frequently right.

302. I am?

303. Take me upstairs and show me your souvenir spoon collection.

304. Wait a minute.

305. You said my pretty spoons were for un-fuckable grandma men.

306. You're trying to manipulate me!

307. No, I'm not!

308. We're just finally vibing. Whoa.

309. Where are you taking me?

310. The only way we're gonna make it through this

311. is if I put a wall between me and your mind games.

312. You're putting me in the bathroom?

313. I'll fucking kill you!

314. - I wish you would kill me! - Hey, hey!

315. This is trafficking!

316. I'm calling Paw Patrol!

317. I'm gonna use one of them spoons of yours to pop an eye out!

318. Mmm.

319. You betrayed us, Kevin.

320. You are persona non grata.

321. That means "everyone hates you."

322. He taught me Latin.

323. Who did?

324. The Hat Man.

325. No!

326. Oh, fuck.

327. Shit.

328. I got to destroy those pictures.

329. Come on.

330. Whee. I'm flying.

331. Whee! I'm not flying.

332. Hey!

333. Is this the AA meeting?

334. You're in an air conditioning duct.

335. Do you want to see a picture of Chris Noth's penis?

336. No, thank you.

337. Ah!

338. I did it, I got it,

339. I g—

340. Kevin, are you okay?

341. What happened?

342. I think he fell out of that hole.

343. What were you doing up there?

344. He was trying to escape quarantine!

345. Or he was masturbating where the government can't see him.

346. No! I wasn't. I swear!

347. Then why were you in the vent?

348. And do you have a sister?

349. I was in the vent because...

350. that's where I've been hiding all your guys' Christmas presents!

351. Merry Christmas!

352. Come on. Whoo!

353. Look. It's a picture of Kevin with a goat.

354. You know what that means?

355. There's a photo booth in the ceiling!

356. No. It means Kevin is patient zero.

357. - He was trying to destroy evidence. - You made

358. Activia come out of these proud American nipples!

359. Let's get him, Dennis!

360. Holy shit. He's having a heart attack.

361. They did it.

362. The CIA hacked my pacemaker.

363. They say talking to yourself is a sign of going crazy.

364. But I'm in the clear. I'm just talking to you, JC Chasez.

365. You don't deserve to be locked away like this, Brandi.

366. You're a good girl.

367. Oh! Take me away from here, JC Chasez!

368. Take me to Orlando.

369. You know, Brandi, I should have been the breakout star of NSYNC,

370. just like you should be the breakout star...

371. of this crate.

372. Are you JC Chasez-ing what I think you're sha-zaying?

373. Wow. You know, seeing one of our own laid out like this is very sobering.

374. And I just want to say,

375. I'm really, really sorry I got everyone sick.

376. I just— I didn't want you all to be mad at me.

377. Because you guys mean a lot to me.

378. Shut the fuck up, Kevin.

379. And give us a hug.

380. Me, too, me, too, me, too!

381. I should have recognized the warning signs.

382. I'm a bad nurse.

383. You're not a bad nurse, Judy.

384. You're not a nurse at all.

385. You're an idiot in a costume.

386. I bought it at Spirit Halloween.

387. I'm wearing a thong!

388. If anyone needs to apologize here,

389. it's me.

390. You were right, Peter.

391. I've been completely unreasonable in my demands of this company.

392. It takes big cat to admit when he is wrong.

393. But it takes even bigger dog to forgive.

394. I am dog.

395. I'm sorry, too.

396. I put five G's on Pretty Paws beating us.

397. You bet against us?

398. Yes, honey. And you were my ringer.

399. You know, to help us lose?

400. You're worse than a shovel.

401. What gender is the president?

402. - Bear! - Bear, buddy.

403. Are you okay? You had a heart attack.

404. Well, that makes three this week.

405. The first was when I found out that bacon in my breakfast sandwich was turkey bacon.

406. Uh-huh. What caused the second one?

407. When I found out the bread was whole grain!

408. You ever heard of this?

409. It's all over, my sweet Brandi!

410. I'm so proud of you!

411. I'm so proud of me!

412. Oh, dear.

413. I need two tickets to Orlando—

414. one for me and one for Mr. JC Chasez.

415. Did you all feel that?

416. Because I did.

417. That's how you perform an 11 o'clock number.

418. Well, fuck me, she didn't ruin it.

419. Look at this.

420. The dead have risen.

421. I got to hand it to you, Patti.

422. That was great.

423. But I'll be taking it from here.

424. Back to one, everybody.

425. If this is about my previous behavior, you're in luck.

426. A near-death experience has changed me.

427. And so, moving forward, I promise to be better.

428. It's a little too late for that, 'Mando.

429. We had a meeting, and the entire cast is in agreement.

430. I am replacing you.

431. Permanently.

432. Wait, wait. Wait just one minute.

433. What-what about Peter?

434. He hasn't had a chance to weigh in.

435. Shouldn't he have a vote?

436. I...

437. choose Patti.

438. You know me— I am shameless starfucker.

439. No, no, no!

440. This is my production. I hired you!

441. You can't do this to me.

442. Places.

443. I wouldn't stand there, Armando.

444. There's about to be 3,700 pounds of kickline coming through.

445. And now they know how to put some sauce on it.

446. Yeah.

447. Ow!

448. Kev! Hey, man.

449. Franny! You made it!

450. It was nice of the other team to reschedule.

451. Actually, when we had kennel cough,

452. Pretty Paws was dealing with an outbreak of parvo.

453. S— At the same time!

454. Animals need to start washing their hands.

455. We do. We lick them.

456. Anyway, would you maybe want to come hang out with us after the game?

457. We're gonna go to Astoria Park and chase birds.

458. Nah, that's dumb.

459. You probably don't want to chase birds.

460. Are you kidding?

461. I love chasing birds.

462. I'm down.

463. Really?

464. Okay. I'll...

465. see you there.

466. Chirp.