Kevin 1x3

Directed by Sarah Seember Huisken

Maria Bamford as Mitzi Davenport (voice) • Jim O'Heir as (voice) • Ben Rodgers as (voice) • Joe Wengert as (voice) • Nick Wiger as (voice)

A heat wave leads Armando to seek refuge with a wealthy woman in the Hamptons. Kevin, avoiding offers of help from Dan and Dana, begs Armando to bring him along. Cupcake tries to escape the heat by finally spending the night with one of her casual hook-ups, a pitbull named Mia. Judy is left alone in the rescue to contend with ants seeking shelter.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's heat wave day three,

2. and with temperatures still climbing,

3. some city residents have reached their... boiling point.

4. Come on, AC.

5. Huh. Ah!

6. I want the hot to stop.

7. I need the shade of the trees.

8. I am just going to have to deal with talking to my mother.

9. Good news, everybody.

10. Poppers have been decriminalized?

11. The AC repairman is gonna be here within the next two to three...

12. 136 hours.

13. God is dead, we are abandoned.

14. In the meantime, our fearless leader Brandi has a plan.

15. I put the word out on our socials seeking emergency fosters

16. for all you poor sons-of-bitches. You're welcome.

17. Emergency fosters?

18. Only the most pathetic sad sacks show up to help out in an emergency.

19. Oh, yeah, those losers, trying to help us... not die?

20. It's so cold up in here.

21. My little nips could cut glass.

22. Why does she get to be in air conditioning?

23. I want my little nips to cut glass.

24. We ain't gotta explain nothing to these freeloaders.

25. And make sure you clean up after yourselves before you go.

26. The heat does bring in the ants.

27. And I hate Antz.

28. My one and only issue with Woody Allen,

29. he's a bad voice actor.

30. It's no better out there.

31. We live in hell.

32. It-it's okay, buddy. Frozen grape?

33. See?

34. Everything's gonna be fine.

35. Oh, wait. Everything's gonna be bad.

36. Glenn, are you okay?

37. Uh, can we please get Glenn another pair of sweatpants?

38. The choking thing seems to have made him...

39. excited.

40. I'm Kevin.

41. 911. It's too hot. Bye.

42. 420 friendly? Say no more.

43. Cupcake, I've got a wonderful candidate for your temp foster.

44. Oh, no, I'm good. Gonna cool my tits off for a couple of hours at Mia's place.

45. You're going to her place?

46. - Ooh, that's new for you two. - No, no, no, no, no.

47. We're not friends like this. We don't talk like this.

48. Oh, pardon me, ma'am.

49. Oh, Judy, your poor eyes have completely

50. crusted shut.

51. The heat dried up all my goo so now I can't see,

52. but with every hardship

53. comes a chance to grow.

54. Uh, Furrever Friends. Can you please hold?

55. Your eye drops are in the fridge, Judy.

56. I'll get them as soon as I'm off the phone.

57. No, no, no, no, no. You're busy helping all of our friends.

58. I can get them myself.

59. Just let me open the old kitchen door here.

60. Is that... ... bergamot?

61. Iris? And vanilla?

62. Oh, Shalimar.

63. Well, hello. I'm Mitzi...

64. Davenport. I know exactly who you are.

65. And I've always said you must've had a good reason

66. to run over your interior decorator.

67. He tried to pair a Ming vase with a country plaid.

68. Did he think you were living in a TGI Fridays?

69. I don't know what that is, but it sounds dreadful.

70. Mitzi, what's a person of your pedigree doing in a dump like this?

71. Oh, I'm here for you.

72. For moi?

73. I saw your picture and I had to have you for a weekend at my Hamptons estate.

74. I'm simply obsessed with Persians.

75. I have a driver waiting outside.

76. Then let me grab my Louis Vuitton.

77. If I'm gonna survive this,

78. it's all coming off.

79. I'll leave the tip of my tail for modesty.

80. You do not tell me what the fuck to do, Dana.

81. You are not my mommy anymore.

82. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

83. What, what's happening? Does Glenn have another boner?

84. No, but I do.

85. I'm going to the Hamptons with Mitzi Davenport.

86. You are?

87. - But you hate people. - She's not people.

88. She's rich. She's old money.

89. She bullied Jacqueline Bouvier.

90. Before or after her husband, uh—

91. Both.

92. Oh, my God.

93. Now Dana's reacting to her own

94. text message with a question mark.

95. Stop trying to help me. I want someone else to help me.

96. Can I please come with you to Mitzky Havenbirth's house?

97. Fine, but I'm telling her you're my unpaid intern.

98. That's actually illegal now. Do you ever listen to

99. - The Daily? - Shut the fuck up, Kevin...

100. and carry my bags.

101. Okay, Mia. So, what, you gonna bite me?

102. You gonna break the skin?

103. You want me to?

104. I want you to shake me around like a ragdoll

105. till the city euthanizes you.

106. Oh, baby, I can't believe this is working.

107. Oh, yeah? Well now, I want to hear you bark, bitch.

108. Babe, we gotta keep the role playing down.

109. My person is home.

110. Oh, I know she is.

111. Why do you think my kitty clit is so erect?

112. Oh, Cupcake.

113. Now, you gonna pretend to be a fighting dog

114. and I'm gonna be Michael Vick.

115. Oh, man. It's hot in "thurr," it's hot out "hurr."

116. Ah. My tootsies are sizzling.

117. Should I go get my Hokas?

118. Chop chop, Armando.

119. Oh, who is this?

120. This is Kevin. He makes my reservations,

121. touches money for me.

122. An unpaid intern, yes.

123. If he hasn't unionized, he can ride up front with my driver.

124. Kevin?

125. - Dan? - You're going with these guys?

126. But you do little throw-ups in the car, Kevin.

127. Actually, little throw-ups is the old Kev.

128. I'm in cars all the time now.

129. - Okay, okay. - And if I'm gonna throw up,

130. it's not gonna be in a car.

131. It'll be one big barf in a place

132. that'll take you days to find.

133. Mission log: Day three.

134. Our search for food for the colony drags on.

135. Food!

136. Hello? Is this the fridge?

137. Manna from heaven.

138. Wait, what? We can't eat her.

139. We eat rotting food and dead things.

140. And she's just a little lady.

141. Oh, yay! My eye drops.

142. She's glazing herself, Jerry.

143. And I love spicy food.

144. You're sick. You're a sick ant.

145. "Oh, you're a sick ant."

146. Ouch. These eye drops are burny.

147. But that's how you know they're working.

148. Ow! Goddamn, this shit is hot.

149. Cupcake? You're sticking around?

150. Yeah, baby. I thought I'd,

151. you know, stay the night, if that's cool with you.

152. Oh, my God, yes.

153. It's actually a really nice surprise.

154. Ooh, child, I think I got the bubble guts.

155. You might want to move 'cause

156. you right in the splash zone.

157. I think you're just purring.

158. What the fuck did you give me?

159. Just a little affection?

160. Yeah, this shit is good.

161. Yo, watch it, asshole!

162. And then I dated Frederick Sharpie,

163. before he had the marker money. Whoops.

164. His last name was "Sharpie"?

165. Oh! Oh, no, that was just a nickname.

166. On account of his deliciously dry and razor-sharp...

167. penis.

168. Don't do a little throw-up, don't do a little throw-up.

169. So, I get that you're this cat's intern,

170. but, like, what does he do for work?

171. I'm not actually his intern.

172. He's one of my really good friends

173. who's just a little embarrassed to be around me sometimes, okay?

174. Anyway, I've been good.

175. My mom and her boyfriend broke up,

176. so me and Ma have been going to Union Pool a lot.

177. Oh, look, oh, good, we're here, we're done.

178. This is where Mopsy Toothenberg lives?

179. I mean, this is way too much house for one person.

180. Oh, Kevin, please. You sound poor.

181. Mitzi, don't saber the champagne

182. without me!

183. Hey, I was gonna get some McDonald's and eat it on the beach.

184. Thicc boy summer.

185. Dan, it was great to see you, but I'm doing my own thing here.

186. Kevin, welcome

187. to pussy cat paradise.

188. Oh... my... God.

189. Air conditioning.

190. Oh, yeah.

191. God is real and she is this vent.

192. I can't believe my luck.

193. Of all the places I could have wandered into,

194. I ended up in

195. - a spa. - That's right.

196. Just lay back and enjoy your salt scrub

197. with that Pink Himalayan salt from Sur La Table, yum yum.

198. This is so fucked up, dude.

199. She invited me to her birthday party.

200. No gifts. I'm asking my guests to make a donation to Planned Parenthood.

201. Okay, Miss Judy.

202. Time for your mineral soak.

203. Aw, I wish I had my bath toys.

204. Well, it's actually just one toy. It's a spoon.

205. A message from the palace?

206. What does it say?

207. "Check your phone."

208. Holy fucking shit! The queen is coming!

209. And she's excited about our feline feast.

210. You text with the queen?

211. We hooked up once.

212. We all hook up with the queen, man.

213. Because we can't be with who we really want.

214. Jerry, I said never again.

215. That was one time and it was a mistake.

216. Ooh... in oil.

217. Ah.

218. Dana may have AC,

219. but I'm on a terrace.

220. I'm a terr-erist.

221. Well, I haven't seen you at one of Mitzi's whizbangs before.

222. I'm Kevin, but my friends call me Vin...

223. Diesel. My name is Vin Diesel.

224. Ah, there's my dumb intern.

225. May I interest you in some

226. Silver Vine?

227. I have it imported from Kyoto.

228. It's like catnip but stronger.

229. You used to be able to get it at Petco,

230. until Tipper Gore ruined all our fun.

231. Well, it'd be rude to say no.

232. Mm, hey.

233. Oh, yeah.

234. This is definitely from Kyoto.

235. I can't feel my whiskers.

236. Hmm?

237. Hey.

238. Oh, hey.

239. I love this place

240. and I love Millie Dupencourt!

241. They said it was

242. gluten free, but I could taste the gluten.

243. Ooh, that's my cue to get

244. the fuck up out of here.

245. Hey, if you've been gluten poisoned,

246. it's your responsibility to leave a Yelp review. I'm sorry.

247. Hey, hey, babe. Babe, come in here.

248. There's someone special I'd like you to meet.

249. - This is Angie. - Cupcake.

250. I've heard so much about you.

251. May I hug you?

252. Mm-mm. Not for free.

253. I hear you.

254. And I hear you hearing her.

255. Oh, okay. So, it's this.

256. So, I made us all breakfast.

257. We're having vegan shakshuka, my specialty.

258. But for our honored guest, I dug some old

259. Thai food out of the trash.

260. I told her it's your favorite.

261. Oh, that's my girl.

262. Ooh, sorry.

263. I'm feral.

264. Hey, you do you. You be your authentic self.

265. I almost picked us up some mochi donuts.

266. But then I told her about your mother abandoning you at the Dunkin.

267. Mm. How was that for you?

268. I'm not really looking to get into all of that.

269. I should probably

270. get out of here, ladies.

271. No, I can't do another round of IVF.

272. And I refuse to adopt.

273. Well, since shit is still biblical out there,

274. I could tell you about the time I watched my sister drown in a Coolatta.

275. Oh, boy.

276. I think it's time for my one big barf.

277. Mother? Mother?

278. Is that you?

279. Please don't see me. Please don't see me.

280. - I see you. - Fuck.

281. My name is Ernest.

282. Play mancala with me.

283. No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.

284. Play mancala with me!

285. Miyazaki will never admit it,

286. but I was the inspiration for that cat bus.

287. Wow.

288. Armando,

289. may I steal you away for a moment... to my chambers?

290. Me, going to Mitzi Davenport's boudoir?

291. This trip just gets better and better.

292. And this scarf is sexy, and this scarf is mean.

293. And this is the hideous purple brooch they sent me

294. when my brother was killed in Vietnam.

295. Oh, boy.

296. Oh, and this is the sash I got when I was named Miss Flag.

297. You see, in the late '70s, they were going to redesign Old Glory.

298. No stars, no stripes, just

299. the prettiest girl you've ever seen!

300. And you're

301. no stranger to going up and down on poles.

302. You are so wicked.

303. Mitzi.

304. I'm all juiced up and ready to go.

305. R-Ready? For what?

306. Oh, don't play coy with us, my little Persian papa.

307. I won't bite.

308. Unless you're into that.

309. Uh, Mitzi? Are you trying to get me to fuck your friend here?

310. Why, yes. When I saw your face

311. and your big orange testes on that website,

312. I knew I needed you.

313. To revitalize an old business venture.

314. Are you hard up for money, Mitz?

315. Mitzi's parties don't pay for themselves.

316. So that's why I'm getting back into the breeding game.

317. Thanks to you, stud.

318. Well, here's the problem with that.

319. Tut tut. I'll give you two some privacy. And don't forget,

320. I can charge extra for a boy,

321. so, think "boy" while you're pumping away.

322. Oops.

323. Honey, unless you can do a perfect Eric Bana impression,

324. I will not be losing my gold star tonight.

325. So, what are we watching?

326. Gilmore Girls, Golden Girls, Girls Gone Wild? The Boys?

327. Actually, I had something else in mind.

328. Oh, I know. You want to watch

329. a YouTube compilation of models falling off runways.

330. Cupcake, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

331. Now, I know this might feel sudden,

332. but I wanted to ask you...

333. will you live with me?

334. Wow.

335. That's a...

336. a big question.

337. Um...

338. - Oh, look at her. She's speechless. - Come here,

339. let-let me put it on you, baby.

340. Guess I'm so happy, I'm purring again.

341. Oh, no, babe,

342. you-you shit all over the floor.

343. She shit on our floor.

344. Did I swallow a chopstick?

345. Oh, goodie. I win again.

346. You're not letting me win, are you?

347. No, no, no. You just... you just rock at mancala.

348. Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

349. Mother has been promising me a new brother for ages.

350. Ah. Where's your old brother?

351. Is he at a meditation retreat in Sedona?

352. Is he in rehab?

353. Oh, don't be silly.

354. He's right here!

355. Oh, my God! Is that your brother? Is he dead?

356. It's hard to say.

357. They think I might be a cyst.

358. Speaking of,

359. I'm supposed to be getting biopsy results,

360. so I should step outside for better service.

361. Kevin, what's up?

362. Dan, this place is so creepy,

363. and this inbred cat has a talking cyst! Please come get me! I need you now!

364. Ow! Oh!

365. Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Say it again.

366. Ah-ha!

367. - Whoa! What? - Bad kitty.

368. Bad kitty? You just met me.

369. Kevin? Hello?

370. Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!

371. We don't have to do this, man.

372. Jerry, it's over.

373. The cat's dead and it's time to eat.

374. Her name was Judy,

375. and she played with a spoon.

376. My queen, we are so very honored.

377. Oh, my God!

378. My eyes!

379. The crust is gone!

380. Holy fuck.

381. What did we do? The queen is dead.

382. Well, according to the code,

383. our new queen is...

384. Judy!

385. Long live the queen! Long live the queen!

386. I'm the queen?

387. Yay!

388. First order of business,

389. I want Gypsy-Rose Blanchard back behind bars.

390. Lock her up! Lock her up!

391. No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna sidebar

392. with you. The motion is filed, con dios.

393. Perhaps we should turn down the air conditioning just a skosh, my love.

394. Can you shut the fuck up?

395. I can't hear Lawtina, my new favorite show.

396. About a lawyer who's also Latina.

397. Cupcake? To what do I owe this pleasure?

398. Listen, Seth. I'm having a crisis, honey.

399. Mia has asked me to live with her,

400. and I like her, but I do not do relationships.

401. Look, you need to be your authentic self.

402. Just be honest with Mia

403. and tell her how you feel.

404. Ah, shit. I know what I need to do.

405. Oh, I'm so happy I could help.

406. Let's make this a regular thing.

407. Seth and Cupcake chattin' it up—

408. Aw, she hung up on me.

409. God damn it, Seth!

410. I am missing her falling in love with the judge!

411. - Who? - Lawtina!

412. - Ow! - She's Latina,

413. and her name's Tina,

414. and her last name's Law.

415. Tina Law. Latina at Law.

416. Oh, yeah. I'm doing the sexy dance

417. that all the boy cats love.

418. This is my weekend with Liza all over again.

419. Oh, would you look at this?

420. More bad kitties.

421. Armando, help.

422. Ow! It's filled with gin? Is that gin?

423. Mother, stop it.

424. Oh, shit. That's Big Mitzi.

425. If you won't let the cats copulate,

426. we won't have any more money!

427. Well, we don't have any money

428. because you blow it all on your silly cat parties.

429. Wow, moms and daughters.

430. Such a complicated relationship.

431. Ah! So now I'm getting olive juice.

432. Oh, okay. So it's a dirty martini in a spray bottle?

433. The breeding nonsense stops now.

434. You never support me!

435. Oh, please.

436. I support you.

437. The only reason you won Miss Flag

438. is because I sucked off the judges!

439. I finally have something to send to Vanity Fair.

440. - Oh, no. - What the devil was that?

441. That was God's wrath.

442. He is punishing you for your filthy behavior.

443. I hate you, I hate you,

444. I hate you, hate you, hate you!

445. "'It was God's wrath,' she scowled,

446. decades of hatred boiling to the surface."

447. Oh, shit.

448. Hey, man. We gotta, like, get the fuck out of here.

449. - Dan! - Kev?

450. Go, go, go, go.

451. Are you okay?

452. Drive, man, drive, drive, drive!

453. - Okay, we made it. - Oh, thank God.

454. We're okay.

455. Excuse me.

456. Do you want to play travel mancala?

457. I like to see out the window.

458. Mira, mira. It was her quinceañera, you bastard.

459. Ooh, Angie. It's the door.

460. Better get it. It might be important.

461. Hello, I'm a policeman.

462. I have an arrest warrant

463. for a feral, hairless cat.

464. Goes by Cupcake.

465. Oh, no, did you find out

466. about my various illegal activities like money laundering,

467. drug dealing, drug doing and whatnot?

468. Uh-huh. And we have enough evidence to put you away

469. for a long time in a facility...

470. where no loved ones can come visit you,

471. ever, underlined.

472. Come on, Cupcake.

473. If you don't want to move in with me, just say so.

474. No, baby, I would love to live with you.

475. But I just... I gotta go to jail right now.

476. All right, then let's walk to my squad car,

477. cat who I've never met before.

478. I know I probably shouldn't say this, but I thought that cop was kind of hot.

479. Your AC is all fixed,

480. but it looks like you have an ant infestation.

481. Yes, one of the cats who lives here just became their queen.

482. To the bodega, boys.

483. Your queen desires Twizzlers.

484. Did you know that Mitzi was briefly married to Osama bin Laden?

485. Yeah, that tracks.

486. She says he didn't do it.

487. Oh!

488. Two minutes left in the Knick game

489. and you're gonna fucking change it?

490. We wanna watch Lawtina.

491. Look at this.

492. You guys are hanging out again. I love it.

493. No,

494. he just drove me to the Hamptons,

495. and then I made him come back and save me

496. because I'm a helpless wittle baby.

497. "Helpless wittle baby"? What are you talking about?

498. I'm supposed to be living on my own, Dan.

499. The second something scary happens,

500. what do I do? I come running right back to you.

501. Dude, you just called me for help. We're friends. That's what friends do.

502. I mean,

503. I almost called you.

504. My mom got back together with her boyfriend,

505. and now they want to get married at Disney World.

506. That was gonna be my thing!

507. Kathy cannot afford to have a wedding at Disney World.

508. Exactly. I'm calling her right now.

509. Keith, where is my mom?

510. Why are you answering my mom's phone?

511. Those two should just fuck already, right?

512. Dan and Keith?

513. No, Dan and his mom.

514. No, Keith, it doesn't matter if you're a frog or not.

515. Mom cannot be Princess Tiana for the wedding.

516. Ugh, now it's too cold.

517. Chirp.