1. All right, here we go.Copy !req
2. I'm fast.Copy !req
3. I'm a killer.Copy !req
4. And this is my rent-controlled apartment!Copy !req
5. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ooh. Ow.Copy !req
6. Ow. Pause one sec. My back.
Sorry, Lamoth, hang on a second. Oof.Copy !req
7. This is what happens when
you don't stretch before we work out.Copy !req
8. No, no, this is what happensCopy !req
9. when you fall asleep on a pile of laundry.Copy !req
10. Come on, man, walk it off. It's wing day!Copy !req
11. I think I'm good.Copy !req
12. Hey, you-you want a shirt?
Let me give you a shirt.Copy !req
13. So I'm checking out that big light
in the hallway tonight.Copy !req
14. You should come.Copy !req
15. Yeah, I've seen the light.Copy !req
16. I find something new every time.Copy !req
17. Uh, I'm kind of excited to just stay in.Copy !req
18. Dan wants to show me Predator 2.Copy !req
19. And then, when Dana tries to work,
I'm gonna lay across the keyboard, so...Copy !req
20. You don't take advantage of the city, Kev.Copy !req
21. There's, like, mad different types
of lights out there.Copy !req
22. I'm getting out there.Copy !req
23. Two weeks ago, I went to Central Park.Copy !req
24. Oh, yeah? Which part?Copy !req
25. You know, I got a client
who's a worm over there.Copy !req
26. Got him so jacked,Copy !req
27. dude looks like a fucking slug now.Copy !req
28. Okay, technically I wasn't "in" the park,Copy !req
29. but my butthole specialist is
right across from it.Copy !req
30. Oh, right, 'cause you had
that weird thing.Copy !req
31. Your-your brother kept sucking on your ass
when you was a kitten.Copy !req
32. I told you, he was looking for milk.Copy !req
33. - It's very common.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
34. Hey. Uh, you guys almost finished?Copy !req
35. We-we need to talk to Kevin
about something.Copy !req
36. No, no, no, this is perfect.Copy !req
37. I really don't need to hear
the butthole thing explained to me again.Copy !req
38. Ask any cat. It's not weird.Copy !req
39. So, what's up, party people?Copy !req
40. No rush, but I'm a little late for the sun
hitting my favorite part of the rug.Copy !req
41. Buddy, I think we should sit down.Copy !req
42. I just have a really full day today.Copy !req
43. A nap, Predator 2,Copy !req
44. - another nap...
- Kevin...Copy !req
45. Dan and I are breaking up.Copy !req
46. Damn! On wing day?Copy !req
47. Lamoth, this is a private matter.Copy !req
48. I'm Kevin!Copy !req
49. All right, guys.Copy !req
50. I'll Google couples' therapists,Copy !req
51. you'll go, sort it all out,Copy !req
52. and then we'll all look back
and laugh about this at my Oscar party.Copy !req
53. Kevin, I know this is scary.Copy !req
54. But you're gonna love our new place.Copy !req
55. Our new place? "Our" like you and me?Copy !req
56. Why would I be going with you?Copy !req
57. Because you're our cat,
and I'm the only real adult here.Copy !req
58. "Your" cat? You don't own me.Copy !req
59. - You don't own this.
- Kevin.Copy !req
60. I thought this was, like,
a Hype House situation.Copy !req
61. We're always making videos,
I don't have a job... Hmm?Copy !req
62. Kev, would some tuna water help?Copy !req
63. - Do not do that. Don't trick me like that.
- Kevin,Copy !req
64. it is okay if you're having
some feelings about this.Copy !req
65. Nope. Not upset.Copy !req
66. In fact, I think this might be
the perfect opportunity for meCopy !req
67. to go finally live on my own,Copy !req
68. since you guys don't get me.Copy !req
69. Oh, my God. I get you.Copy !req
70. You like to chase hoodie strings.Copy !req
71. - Oh, fuck.
- I'm a wiggly string,Copy !req
72. and I want you to bite me.Copy !req
73. - And I like to watch.
- No!Copy !req
74. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
75. I'm doing that for you.Copy !req
76. But you wouldn't know that,
because you never asked me about me.Copy !req
77. Oh, motherfucker, I scoop your shit.Copy !req
78. Why? I bury them real good.Copy !req
79. Because they smell like shit!Copy !req
80. Oh! Oh-ho-ho!Copy !req
81. - There it is!
- Guys, let's take a deep breathCopy !req
82. and remember that we all love each other.Copy !req
83. Well...Copy !req
84. Oh, shit. So you dumped him?Copy !req
85. Let's not get lost in the details.Copy !req
86. You're right. It's none of my business.Copy !req
87. Not anymore.Copy !req
88. And honestly, I'm very relieved
to be done with it.Copy !req
89. That's it? You're just walking away?Copy !req
90. Yeah, I am.Copy !req
91. And just so you know,
your hands are too small.Copy !req
92. And your hands are too big.Copy !req
93. Bye.Copy !req
94. I'm using my litterbox
just the one more time.Copy !req
95. But then, we are over.Copy !req
96. Hey.Copy !req
97. - Do not shit in here.
- Fuck off.Copy !req
98. Frannie, what if I lived
up in a tree, huh?Copy !req
99. Seems peaceful.Copy !req
100. - Just go to the ASPCA.
- And be on thatCopy !req
101. mailing list forever? No, thanks.Copy !req
102. You could crash at my pond in Central ParkCopy !req
103. if you weren't such a pussy about water.Copy !req
104. Knock it off.Copy !req
105. I just got so much space out there
ever since I...Copy !req
106. ever since I lost Rebecca.Copy !req
107. Maybe I can live with
one of the other people I know.Copy !req
108. Like my vet.Copy !req
109. Or— Ooh! My butthole specialist.Copy !req
110. For fuck's sake!
I cannot take hearingCopy !req
111. about your deformed anus again.Copy !req
112. It's not deformed, Chuck. It's prolapsed.Copy !req
113. You don't hear me talking about my long,
thin, corkscrew dick all the time.Copy !req
114. Speaking of that, uh, a little help?Copy !req
115. Oh, yeah. Love this.Copy !req
116. Skin contact.Copy !req
117. Very popular right now.Copy !req
118. You're gonna want to throw out
that first glass, sweetheart.Copy !req
119. Ugh. We really gotta buy a wine opener.Copy !req
120. You know, Kev,Copy !req
121. before I landed this job as "cat who
lies on top of the popcorn machine,"Copy !req
122. your boy Ranger lived at a pet rescue.Copy !req
123. Oh, please! Pet rescues.Copy !req
124. What are they "rescuing" you from?Copy !req
125. Uh, the New York City housing market?Copy !req
126. Well, there's a real gem nearby,Copy !req
127. with some real cool dudes.Copy !req
128. Other than the rabbits.
They will make you uncomfortable.Copy !req
129. I don't know.
I don't love the idea of roommates.Copy !req
130. Other cats and their smells and...Copy !req
131. Hey, man, you got this.
'Cause you know what's inside you?Copy !req
132. Tiger DNA.Copy !req
133. Eh, no, actually,
I did one of those tests.Copy !req
134. I'm, like, 99% Ashkenazi Jew.Copy !req
135. Ugh. I wanted to throw out
this nasty bathmat a year ago,Copy !req
136. but I kept it
because Kevin said he loved it.Copy !req
137. And-and now the guy says
I force him to play hoodie strings.Copy !req
138. So crazy. And wasn't it weirdCopy !req
139. how he just assumed that you dumped me?Copy !req
140. No, I actually found that very perceptive.Copy !req
141. So is that
what everybody's gonna think?Copy !req
142. That I got dumped?Copy !req
143. Like you care what other people think.Copy !req
144. You've had the same bathing suit
since seventh grade.Copy !req
145. - It covers all the important stuff.
- Barely.Copy !req
146. I'm just saying,
maybe we put something on Instagram.Copy !req
147. - So everyone knows how it all went down.
- Dan...Copy !req
148. I'm not Gwenyth Paltrow.Copy !req
149. Let people piece it together from
our social media like God intended.Copy !req
150. Well, you're my Gwenyth.Copy !req
151. And I'm your... uh...Copy !req
152. the-the guy from Coldplay.Copy !req
153. Chr... Thom Yorke.Copy !req
154. Wow. What a dump.Copy !req
155. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
156. Little pervert puss!
I got you peeping on video.Copy !req
157. You 'bout to get canceled, y'all.Copy !req
158. What? Uh, I wasn't peeping.Copy !req
159. I'm looking for— for a place.Copy !req
160. Is there a manager around?Copy !req
161. Uh, I am the co-owner, okay?Copy !req
162. - You are?
- Oh! And why is that surprising?Copy !req
163. 'Cause I'm a dog?Copy !req
164. Or because I'm a female dog?Copy !req
165. Just say it. I know you want to.Copy !req
166. - Call me a bitch!
- No, no, no.Copy !req
167. - I would never.
- You don't know me, punk!Copy !req
168. Hey! Hey! Hey!Copy !req
169. - What's happening?
- This cat is thinkingCopy !req
170. I'm a bitch out here.Copy !req
171. I'll shake you all the way to hell, cat!Copy !req
172. Ah! World War III!Copy !req
173. - No!
- What's happening?Copy !req
174. - No!
- Somebody get my fucking Thundercoat!Copy !req
175. What the hell was that?Copy !req
176. Well, well.
Somebody's been sucking on that ass.Copy !req
177. Yeah, my brother.Copy !req
178. Hey, you like to party?Copy !req
179. I've-I've been to a few dinner parties.Copy !req
180. Never, like, an alley-cat ass party.Copy !req
181. Alley cat? Who you calling an alley cat,Copy !req
182. little black and white beyotch?Copy !req
183. Please don't throw fireworks at me.Copy !req
184. Ooh. Flea medication.Copy !req
185. - Ah!
- Mm.Copy !req
186. Name's Cupcake.Copy !req
187. Because if you like what's on the bottom,Copy !req
188. you are insane.Copy !req
189. Hmm.Copy !req
190. Talk to the Italian!Copy !req
191. A thousand apologiesCopy !req
192. for the welcome you received
from my Brandi.Copy !req
193. Oh.Copy !req
194. - Are you guys...
- Yes!Copy !req
195. She became my "furrever friend"
three years ago.Copy !req
196. Best day of my life.Copy !req
197. Seth!Copy !req
198. Does someone need
the welcoming committee?Copy !req
199. Oh, I-I'm just here for the night.Copy !req
200. Hey! That's exactly how I look at things.Copy !req
201. Because every new day could be the dayCopy !req
202. I meet my perfect match.Copy !req
203. Would you want to sleepCopy !req
204. - in the same bed?
- Um... your eye is oozing.Copy !req
205. I'm allergic to myself.Copy !req
206. Now let me walk you through this basket.Copy !req
207. - A Yankee candle.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
208. White strawberry bellini.Copy !req
209. Ooh, wow. Body butter.Copy !req
210. And the best part...Copy !req
211. a bunch of crinkly paper shreds!Copy !req
212. So, that's Judy.Copy !req
213. - She's very sick.
- Yay!Copy !req
214. Now, let me take a look at you.Copy !req
215. shorthaired and stunning.Copy !req
216. Oh, you think so? It felt flat lately.Copy !req
217. Modest, in spite of having
the juiciest paw pads I've ever seen.Copy !req
218. Big, fat juicers run in my family.Copy !req
219. It's like, actually,Copy !req
220. - mine are the smallest—
- I am at a lossCopy !req
221. for words to describe those haunches.Copy !req
222. - May I have a squeeze?
- Let's work our way up to that.Copy !req
223. Ooh. Stingy with his haunches. Okay.Copy !req
224. But still, you are clearly
front window materiel.Copy !req
225. I've got a beautiful bed up thereCopy !req
226. that's yours for as long as you need.Copy !req
227. Yeah, I'm probably checking out tomorrow.Copy !req
228. I'll keep the bed wet for you, Kevin.Copy !req
229. Scuse me!Copy !req
230. Ah!Copy !req
231. Hey, I feel you! Get out of my ear!Copy !req
232. Oh, wow.
You're— you're usually out cold by now.Copy !req
233. Is everything okay?Copy !req
234. - Do I know you?
- Oh, Dan, you stop it right now.Copy !req
235. I'm Kristie. I live up in the corner.Copy !req
236. And sometimes I sleep in your ear.Copy !req
237. - You do what?
- Dana finally left you, right?Copy !req
238. Uh— Uh, what?Copy !req
239. Just putting the pieces together.Copy !req
240. You can't sleep,Copy !req
241. she isn't here...Copy !req
242. Did she leave you for someone at work?Copy !req
243. Oh! None of my business.Copy !req
244. I'm gonna get out of your hair.Copy !req
245. And your ear.Copy !req
246. Hold on. Now,
why do you assume I got dumped?Copy !req
247. I see stuff up there.Copy !req
248. Like her face whenever you do missionary.Copy !req
249. - You watch us have sex?
- Oh.Copy !req
250. You're telling me
you've never peeped on me?Copy !req
251. I'm up there fucking all the time.Copy !req
252. Above my bed?
Does-does stuff, like, fall out on me?Copy !req
253. Honey, everything is gonna be okay.Copy !req
254. I'll put the word out.Copy !req
255. All the bugs in this building are
gonna rally around youCopy !req
256. in this sad, sad time of your life.Copy !req
257. - You will be covered in bugs.
- Look.Copy !req
258. This breakup was a mutual decision.Copy !req
259. She just... thought of it first.Copy !req
260. Right.Copy !req
261. Now stop spreading rumors, or...Copy !req
262. I don't know.
I'm gonna go get the broom.Copy !req
263. Oh, don't do that.
I catch a lot of bugs for you.Copy !req
264. Bugs that want to sleep in places
way worse than your ear.Copy !req
265. You ever heard of dick-hole flies?Copy !req
266. - Let me in, let me in, let me in!
- No! No! No, no, no, no!Copy !req
267. - Ah!
- You're welcome, hon.Copy !req
268. And I'm anxious
about today's adoption fair.Copy !req
269. There's this stigma that
only crazy people have pet squirrels.Copy !req
270. I haven't lost hope in my heart.Copy !req
271. Mm-mm. And I believe
that someday someone will want me...Copy !req
272. Where the fuck am I?Copy !req
273. I mean, how did a squirrel end up in here?Copy !req
274. Seth started feeding him out of his hand.Copy !req
275. Now the poor son of a bitch couldn't find
nuts in a men's locker room.Copy !req
276. Glenn, we see you.Copy !req
277. Glenn, we hear you.Copy !req
278. Glenn, we love you.Copy !req
279. Glenn, we thank you...Copy !req
280. - Glenn, we hold you up...
- Good drawing.Copy !req
281. Is that me?Copy !req
282. Is that rabbit looking at me?Copy !req
283. What rabbit?Copy !req
284. Now, before today's big adoption fair,Copy !req
285. I encourage all of you to be like GlennCopy !req
286. and give voice to your feelings
before they turn into the two Hs:Copy !req
287. hiding and humping.Copy !req
288. Good God, man.Copy !req
289. You promised us
you'd keep these meetings short.Copy !req
290. Let us get on with our lives!Copy !req
291. Almost there, Armando, sorry.Copy !req
292. Uh, one last thing.Copy !req
293. Cupcake would like you all
to "up-sell every lonely loser"--Copy !req
294. her words!--
on pictures with "the hairless freak."Copy !req
295. I will also be selling my "energy pills."Copy !req
296. And my CD.Copy !req
297. Tell me you didn't
bankroll those CDs.Copy !req
298. I believe CDs are coming back—Copy !req
299. And that is speed she's selling!Copy !req
300. I can't be around that stuff anymore!Copy !req
301. Is this an abusive situation?Copy !req
302. Look at him. He's a sub, he loves it.Copy !req
303. sleeping on the floor tonight!Copy !req
304. What am I still doing here?Copy !req
305. You will not make me late
for my tail extension consultation!Copy !req
306. Fuck!Copy !req
307. "... and that's why having more money
is a good thing."Copy !req
308. Okay, that is a bad report, Brad.Copy !req
309. Uh... Dana? I think your ex is here.Copy !req
310. Hey!Copy !req
311. Um... what are you doing here?Copy !req
312. So, I don't want to weird you out.Copy !req
313. But, uh, I've got the spider
who lives in our apartment in my bag.Copy !req
314. Your apartment.Copy !req
315. We gotta have boundaries.Copy !req
316. Yeah. No, I hear that.Copy !req
317. Anyway, this spider, Kristie,
thinks that you dumped me.Copy !req
318. - Hi, girl.
- Hi.Copy !req
319. Ooh, no makeup in the office. Brave.Copy !req
320. I just really wanted her to hear,
from you, that you didn't dump me.Copy !req
321. Dan...Copy !req
322. You cannot be showing up at my job, okay?Copy !req
323. Boundaries. Right.Copy !req
324. Anyway... let me get out of here.Copy !req
325. Uh, you look great!Copy !req
326. Hey, Dana!Copy !req
327. Remember when you put me under that cup?Copy !req
328. I've made peace with that, honey.Copy !req
329. No one cares.Copy !req
330. Sorry. This one patch of fur
will just not lay the way I want it to.Copy !req
331. You look great.
You'll be beating people off with a stick.Copy !req
332. Well, hold on, now.Copy !req
333. I'm picking up a tomato bisque?Copy !req
334. You a soup guy?Copy !req
335. Hey, man. You seem cool, but...Copy !req
336. I'm here looking for a puppy.Copy !req
337. Okay. Sorry I'm not a puppy.Copy !req
338. It's nothing personal.Copy !req
339. I just don't see myself
going for a run with a cat.Copy !req
340. Oh, fuck off! Cats run.Copy !req
341. We run all the time, you prick.Copy !req
342. I can see why
somebody dropped you here, man.Copy !req
343. You got a bad vibe.Copy !req
344. And I spent a long time
talking to that rat.Copy !req
345. I am not rat! I am Peter. I am dog.Copy !req
346. You're not fooling anybody, Peter.Copy !req
347. I am clearly dog.Copy !req
348. I run.Copy !req
349. I find bone of dead animal.Copy !req
350. So very valuable.Copy !req
351. Okay, kid. Let's cut our losses.Copy !req
352. No, that guy is right.
I look like shit, right?Copy !req
353. Don't I? I— Do I look like shit?Copy !req
354. Listen, if you want
to talk to me about this,Copy !req
355. we're gonna do it out back,Copy !req
356. before one of these clammy shut-ins
tries to put their hands on me.Copy !req
357. Oh, what's your name?Copy !req
358. Back off, hon,
you wouldn't know what to do with this.Copy !req
359. Are we really going to mope over people?Copy !req
360. They're ridiculous! Who needs
30 gallons of water to take a bath?Copy !req
361. I'll tell you something about people.Copy !req
362. Litter boxes?
They get off on those things.Copy !req
363. It's about power.Copy !req
364. And those chunky human ass cheeks...Copy !req
365. Anuses are meant to be on display.Copy !req
366. Mm-hmm. Go ahead.Copy !req
367. Well, not all of 'em.Copy !req
368. Be-Because so many of us
have prolapsed buttholes.Copy !req
369. Hmm. Not been my experience.Copy !req
370. I must've seen
hundreds of freaky buttholes.Copy !req
371. But I have never seen
bubblegum chewed up that bad.Copy !req
372. Okay, yes, my butthole is weird.Copy !req
373. But what is your deal?Copy !req
374. I'm feral, baby. Untamed.Copy !req
375. Only squat at this dump
for the photo op cash.Copy !req
376. Move along.Copy !req
377. How does one end up being feral?Copy !req
378. W-Was your mom feral?Copy !req
379. I don't know. She plopped us out
in the Port Authority Dunkin'Copy !req
380. and hopped on the next bus out of town.Copy !req
381. Yeah. Was a rough start.Copy !req
382. Spent my youth charging kids
a quarter to pull my tail.Copy !req
383. But I tell ya,
nothing tops The Outside.Copy !req
384. Wind whistling through my skin flaps,Copy !req
385. stalking a fresh kill...Copy !req
386. Yeah... Gosh, you make it sound so cool.Copy !req
387. Did I waste my best years watching
Say Yes To The Dress on a sectional?Copy !req
388. Oh, my gosh, I'm shaking.Copy !req
389. Mm-hmm. Because you look
beautiful in that gown, Tracy!Copy !req
390. Oh, I lost at least two of my livesCopy !req
391. to What Would You Do
with John Quiñones.Copy !req
392. If you saw a German
shepherd in a crowded bowling alleyCopy !req
393. taking credit for a chili
he did not make...Copy !req
394. what would you do?Copy !req
395. Kevin!
There's a young woman asking for you!Copy !req
396. I didn't get her name because
I started puking from excitement.Copy !req
397. - Ooh! Dibs!
- What? Hey!Copy !req
398. - On her puke?
- Baby, I sell cat vomit on the dark web.Copy !req
399. What are you doing here?Copy !req
400. Oh, I'm just warming up some nuts...Copy !req
401. I'm not talking to you, Glenn.Copy !req
402. I know you're pissed off at me
right now, but...Copy !req
403. I'm here because of Dan.Copy !req
404. I'm worried about him.Copy !req
405. You gotta go talk to him.Copy !req
406. Nah, nah, nah, nah.
That's not my problem anymore.Copy !req
407. Please drop this stupid tough-guy routine.Copy !req
408. Wait a minute...
How'd you even know I was here?Copy !req
409. Kevin... You're chipped.Copy !req
410. I'm chipped?Copy !req
411. I'm extremely anti-chip!Copy !req
412. You read my Substack!
When did this happen?Copy !req
413. Well, you know
how we have to put you underCopy !req
414. to get your teeth cleaned?Copy !req
415. You monster!Copy !req
416. I knew you'd be upset, but Dan was like,Copy !req
417. "What if he gets lost without his phone?Copy !req
418. Or if he gets kidnapped
by a serial killer?"Copy !req
419. The chip was Dan's idea?Copy !req
420. I can't trust either one of you!Copy !req
421. Okay, I'm done talking to you.Copy !req
422. I need some space.Copy !req
423. Sorry.Copy !req
424. It's fine, Glenn!Copy !req
425. Babe, look at this guy's tuxedo.Copy !req
426. Aw! Does someone want a tummy scratch?Copy !req
427. Let me guess.Copy !req
428. You want a cat
'cause the sitch at home got stale.Copy !req
429. You tried a threesome
and it only made things worse.Copy !req
430. It was too much texting.Copy !req
431. Don't talk about our failed threesome
with this damaged cat.Copy !req
432. Oh, I'm damaged?Copy !req
433. You're the one who's damaged!Copy !req
434. Kevin, if you need to blow off steam,Copy !req
435. I have an old blanket
you can get intimate with.Copy !req
436. Wake up, animals!
This whole adoption thing is a sham!Copy !req
437. Why is it our job to help people
feel important in their stupid lives?Copy !req
438. Hmm?Copy !req
439. Maybe you were meant for more than that.Copy !req
440. Maybe you belong out in the wild,Copy !req
441. not wasting the best years of your lifeCopy !req
442. in some over-priced fourth floor walk-up!Copy !req
443. Animals belong outside!Copy !req
444. And so that's where I'm going.Copy !req
445. Now, who's with me?Copy !req
446. Ah!Copy !req
447. - Put me up on that thing!
- O-Of course.Copy !req
448. Okay, people, nothing to see here.Copy !req
449. That cat doesn't even fucking live here.Copy !req
450. Now just shut up and grab some wine
and make some lifelong connections.Copy !req
451. Oh, fine.Copy !req
452. Enjoy your shitty small talk.Copy !req
453. I'm gonna go...Copy !req
454. fulfill my destiny.Copy !req
455. If you ask me,Copy !req
456. he was rat, whole time.Copy !req
457. Excuse me. Hi. Ma-Maybe you can help me.Copy !req
458. I'm-I'm looking for a goose named Chuck.Copy !req
459. He's got a long neck. Um...Copy !req
460. His wife is dead.Copy !req
461. I don't deal with the gooses.
I'm just temping here.Copy !req
462. I'm an actress.
Take a flyer for my show.Copy !req
463. Uh...Copy !req
464. I'm an emotional support cat,
so it's hard for me to get out...Copy !req
465. It's burlesque.Copy !req
466. But I show hole!Copy !req
467. This is it, Kev.Copy !req
468. Grass under your paws,
breeze in your fur, ominous trees,Copy !req
469. a thousand eyes peering out
from every branch...Copy !req
470. This is it.Copy !req
471. All right. Nothing to be afraid of.Copy !req
472. Trees aren't scary. They can't even talk.Copy !req
473. They're not humans, they're not cats—Copy !req
474. Or rats, or horses, or spiders.Copy !req
475. Holy shit, you can talk!Copy !req
476. Nah. I'm pretty sure this is just yourCopy !req
477. feral adrenaline kicking in.Copy !req
478. Ah...Copy !req
479. Oh, my God. I think I'm about to hunt.Copy !req
480. Don't think about stupid Glenn
standing at the microwave...Copy !req
481. Oh, I'm just warming up some nuts.Copy !req
482. I'm fast, I'm a killer.Copy !req
483. I did not stretch again. Goddammit.Copy !req
484. Hey, guys? Don't film this, please.Copy !req
485. Okay. I was fully trying to eat you.Copy !req
486. But I swear, I'm a good—
Oh, holy shit! No!Copy !req
487. Yeah! You die tonight, you indoor bitch!Copy !req
488. No, no, no! Please!
I'm-I'm friends with Glenn! You know him?Copy !req
489. Oh, yeah, I know Glenn.Copy !req
490. - Well, he'd vouch for me.
- Fuck Glenn!Copy !req
491. Motherfucker owes me nuts!Copy !req
492. No! Ah!Copy !req
493. Ah, fuck!Copy !req
494. Shit!Copy !req
495. Okay, pal. I'll bite. What's wrong?Copy !req
496. Sorry, I don't have any bread.Copy !req
497. Bread? Did I ask you for bread?Copy !req
498. I'm trying to make
a fucking connection here!Copy !req
499. Sorry! I'm-I'm a little spaced out.Copy !req
500. You've been moping in here all night,Copy !req
501. absolutely ruining the vibe,
and I've had enough.Copy !req
502. Why the fuck are you so sad?Copy !req
503. Answer me! Out with it!Copy !req
504. Spill!Copy !req
505. I got dumped, okay?Copy !req
506. My girlfriend dumped me.Copy !req
507. And then my cat left.Copy !req
508. And now I'm all alone.
Do you know what that's like?Copy !req
509. Oh, I know all too well.Copy !req
510. Have you ever heard of
Captain Sully Sullenberger?Copy !req
511. America's hero?Copy !req
512. Ah!Copy !req
513. That bastard killed my Rebecca.Copy !req
514. She got sucked into the turbine.Copy !req
515. We couldn't even have a funeral.Copy !req
516. Aw. That's awful.Copy !req
517. But I'm sorry your cat left!Copy !req
518. Jesus, man. You started talking to me.Copy !req
519. Ah!Copy !req
520. Whoa! Sorry for in... invading your space.Copy !req
521. No problem.
Just do me a favor before you go.Copy !req
522. Eat me. Eat me up.Copy !req
523. I don't want to kick a guy
while he's down,Copy !req
524. but you don't smell okay to eat.Copy !req
525. Come on, you bitch!Copy !req
526. Please, don't speak to me like that.Copy !req
527. What-what is going on with you, exactly?Copy !req
528. I am dinner and dinner is served!Copy !req
529. I mean, what the fuck
are you even doing out here?Copy !req
530. I don't know what
I'm doing out here, okay?Copy !req
531. I don't think I want to live
with people anymore,Copy !req
532. but I clearly can't survive on my own.Copy !req
533. I can't even finish off
a half-dead pigeon!Copy !req
534. That's right. Get real sad.Copy !req
535. And then eat your feelings...Copy !req
536. I'm not gonna eat you, you psycho!Copy !req
537. - Hey, it's you.
- Ah!Copy !req
538. Are you okay?Copy !req
539. I'm off the clock, if you need a ride.Copy !req
540. Oh, God, yes, please.Copy !req
541. This is more than I've walked
in my entire life.Copy !req
542. Road trip!Copy !req
543. Don't forget the snacks! I'm the snacks.Copy !req
544. Eat me!Copy !req
545. It's like, yes, my headshots are old,Copy !req
546. but I look the same.Copy !req
547. Right, right. Again, this is me.Copy !req
548. Oh. Well, good night!Copy !req
549. And it's okay if I
put your email on my email list, right?Copy !req
550. Just make sure to check your spam folder.Copy !req
551. In case it goes to spam!Copy !req
552. Mark it not spam!Copy !req
553. and then, after I was
resuscitated, the doctor said "ew."Copy !req
554. Kevin!Copy !req
555. I thought you were gone forever!Copy !req
556. Like my sense of smell.Copy !req
557. What happened to your destiny?Copy !req
558. Yeah, I know I talked a lot of shit
about people today,Copy !req
559. but the truth is...Copy !req
560. my two best friends are people.Copy !req
561. And I'm upset that I lost them.Copy !req
562. Murder-suicide?Copy !req
563. No, they broke up.Copy !req
564. Your people are still out there, Kevin.Copy !req
565. And you know what I think?Copy !req
566. You didn't lose them...Copy !req
567. you found us.Copy !req
568. Oh, shut the fuck up, Judy.Copy !req
569. Don't even listen to him, girl.
That was sweet.Copy !req
570. So what am I supposed to do?Copy !req
571. I really don't want to do
the adoption thing right now.Copy !req
572. Then don't.Copy !req
573. Living with people, that's for dogs.Copy !req
574. You're a cat,
and cats do whatever they want here.Copy !req
575. Hmm. Mmm.Copy !req
576. Wow. Why is this so good?Copy !req
577. Because it didn't beg me to kill it?Copy !req
578. It's from this baker, Davidé,
in Jackson Heights,Copy !req
579. who's obsessed with me.Copy !req
580. I'm a cake muse, Kevin.Copy !req
581. You're going to have to learn that
about me.Copy !req
582. Aw! You guys!Copy !req
583. Look at us. We're a team.Copy !req
584. Of friends. Who are a family!Copy !req
585. A framileam!Copy !req
586. Framileam means something different
where I come from.Copy !req
587. It's an opioid.Copy !req
588. And I got some.Copy !req
589. I'm good with the cheesecake.Copy !req
590. Yeah...Copy !req
591. Mm.Copy !req
592. Ugh.Copy !req
593. Don't worry about me.Copy !req
594. I'm alone out here by choice.Copy !req
595. Whoa!Copy !req
596. Whoa!Copy !req
597. Hey!Copy !req
598. Kevin! Hey!Copy !req
599. That's my cat...Copy !req
600. No wave back, huh?Copy !req
601. That was cold.Copy !req
602. Oh. Hey, Chuck— whoa!Copy !req
603. Whoa.
Watch-watch where you point that thing.Copy !req
604. - There's no pointing a corkscrew penis.
- Ew, ew, ew!Copy !req
605. - And I don't want to miss the next train.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
606. I got a job interview at JP Morgan.Copy !req
607. Oh... kay. All right. I'm done.Copy !req
608. - Anyway, good luck with your— Ah!
- Sorry!Copy !req
609. It's like the freaking Bellagio, huh?Copy !req
610. Don't get to my age, buddy!Copy !req
611. It takes you 30 minutes to tinkle.Copy !req
612. Hey, what are you lookin' at?Copy !req
613. You never seen corkscrew piss before? Huh?Copy !req
614. You never been
to a fuckin' water park, asshole?Copy !req
615. It just keeps going,
doesn't it, kid?Copy !req
616. Chirp.Copy !req