Keeping Up Appearances 1x5

Directed by Harold Snoad

Jeanne Mockford as Mrs. Marjorie East • Jonny Lee Miller as The Youth • Tricia Thorns as Mrs. Phyllis Dobson • Ian Burford as The Neighbor • Linda James as Lady at Church Hall

In an attempt to make Onslow jealous, Daisy finds herself a toyboy. However the plan fails and Daisy sends Onslow to the Church hall to meet Richard, in a final ploy to get him to notice her antics.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. WENT INTO A CLEAN BOTTLE?

2. VERY GOOD. I DO LIKE A MILKMAN WITH CLEAN FINGERNAILS.

3. AN EXTRA YOGURT TOMORROW.

4. YOU SEE HOW CLEANLINESS PAYS?

5. WOW.

6. WHAT FLAVOR? - SURPRISE ME.

7. I'D LOVE TO.

8. THERE'S THAT DREADFUL DOG AGAIN.

9. HE'S ALWAYS COMING INTO MY GARDEN AND MAKING GESTURES.

10. I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

11. JUST A MINUTE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING, RICHARD?

12. DEADHEADED.

13. AREN'T WE FORGETTING SOMETHING?

14. I KISSED YOU GOOD MORNING. DIDN'T I KISS YOU GOOD MORNING?

15. IT'S NOT THAT, DEAR. YOU'RE NOT WEARING A TIE.

16. I-I-I'M GONNA DEADHEAD THE ROSES.

17. OUT IN THE STREET HALF-DRESSED.

18. TO MAINTAIN.

19. OH, MORNING, ELIZABETH.

20. OH, GOOD MORNING, MARJORIE.

21. MORNING, PHYLLIS. - SHALL YOU BE COMING LATER?

22. TO THE CHURCH HALL? OH, YES-

23. COMING WITH HYACINTH.

24. TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO HYACINTH?

25. OH, YOU GET USED TO IT.

26. I THINK THAT'S TERRIBLE. FANCY HAVING TO GET USED TO IT.

27. I CAN'T STAND HER.

28. OF HER CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

29. OH, THEM! - YOU GET USED TO THEM TOO.

30. YOU POOR THING.

31. CAN'T STAND HER.

32. IF THAT DOOR OPENED NOW, I'D HIDE.

33. THATTOO.

34. YOU SEE? THAT'S BETTER.

35. I FEEL A BIT OVERDRESSED.

36. WIDE OPEN.

37. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'LL BE LOOKING LIKE ONSLOW.

38. ONSLOW'S RELAXED ATTITUDE TO LIFE.

39. ONSLOW'S IDEA OF WHAT

40. AN OLD CAR IN IT.

41. BUT HE ENJOYS LIFE. - EXACTLY!

42. WHAT KIND OF IRRESPONSIBILITY IS THAT?

43. WELL, I'LL BE OFF THEN.

44. YOU COME BACK IN, DEAR.

45. RIGHT. GOT THAT.

46. MORNING, LADIES.

47. HAVE YOU LOST SOMETHING?

48. YES. - Others: NO!

49. NO! - Others: YES!

50. WORM.

51. WE THOUGHT WE SAW A WORM.

52. AH.

53. UNUSUAL SORT OF WORM.

54. VERY!

55. WELL, CAN'T STAND HERE ALL DAY.

56. OH, IT'S YOU, ONSLOW. HOW ARE YOU?

57. YOU NEEDN'T GO INTO DETAIL,

58. AFTER YOUR GENERAL HEALTH.

59. I'M SORRY YOU HAVE A MOSQUITO BITE,

60. REALLY NO BUSINESS OF MINE,

61. RELATED THROUGH MARRIAGE.

62. YES, ONSLOW, I'M SURE MOST PEOPLE

63. TO GET BITTEN THERE,

64. BUT THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF SPECULATION I CARE TO PURSUE.

65. THANK YOU, ONSLOW, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THE COARSE REMARKS.

66. WITH MY SISTER.

67. DAISY, GOOD MORNING, DEAR.

68. WHAT WAS ONSLOW WEARING?

69. OH, I HATE TALKING TO ONSLOW WHEN HE'S ONLY WEARING A VEST.

70. MOSQUITO BITES IN ODD PLACES.

71. HOW'S DADDY?

72. HEAVILY SEDATED, GOOD.

73. I THINK IT'S BEST, DON'T YOU?

74. IT SUITS HIM, BLESS HIM.

75. IT MIGHT SUIT ONSLOW.

76. NOW, WHY I'M CALLING, DAISY,

77. IS THAT I SHAN'T BE ABLE TO VISIT TODAY AFTER ALL.

78. I'VE BEEN INVITED TO TAKE CHARGE OF THINGS AT THE LADIES' CIRCLE.

79. YES, WE'RE HAVING

80. STYLE AND POLISH.

81. I COULDN'T MISS IT, THEY WOULDN'T ALLOW IT,

82. THEY RELY ON ME TOTALLY.

83. ALL ALONE, RICHARD? - AT THE MOMENT, YES.

84. HYACINTH INDOORS, IS SHE? - UH-HUH.

85. NOT A BAD MORNING. - NO, VERY PLEASANT.

86. COFFEE, ELIZABETH!

87. DAMN SHOELACES.

88. LISTEN, I MUST BE GOING.

89. TO COFFEE?

90. YES. BETTER GO.

91. OH, ELIZABETH! YES?

92. COFFEE?

93. OH, YES, OF COURSE.

94. THE BACK DOOR, DEAR.

95. ELIZABETH?

96. OH, THERE YOU ARE, DEAR.

97. OF COURSE, IF YOU HADN'T BEEN GARDENING, YOU COULD HAVE COME IN AT THE FRONT.

98. AND WASHED MY HANDS.

99. WHEN I'VE BEEN GARDENING

100. AND WASH MY HANDS.

101. DO SIT DOWN, ELIZABETH, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

102. NOT THERE, DEAR, I LIKE TO FACE THE WINDOW.

103. I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPIER WITH A BEAKER,

104. HAND-PAINTED CHINA.

105. OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

106. FOR SOME REASON, I'M ALWAYS A BUNDLE OF NERVES WHEN I'M IN YOUR HOME.

107. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY, DEAR, YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

108. WELL, I DO TRY. - I'M SURE YOU DO, DEAR.

109. BUT IT CAN'T BE EASY WHEN YOU'RE ALL THUMBS.

110. ONSLOW YET?

111. TWICE. - WHAT'D HE SAY?

112. I DON'T THINK HE WAS LISTENING.

113. ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM? - I'M GOING TO TELL HIM!

114. COME ON, THEN, IN YOU COME.

115. COME IN. - GO ON, FOLLOW HER.

116. IT'S ALL RIGHT. - COME ON.

117. COME ON, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

118. SHUT UP, YOU! - JUST BE QUIET.

119. ONSLOW? - HMM?

120. I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU- - HANG ON, THEY'RE NEARLY OFF.

121. I'M IN LOVE, ONSLOW, WITH A 17-YEAR-OLD.

122. HE'S GOT A GOOD CHANCE, THIS. I'VE GOT TWO QUID ON IT.

123. ONSLOW, I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU,

124. WITH A 17-YEAR-OLD!

125. THAT'S DISGUSTING, THAT IS.

126. INTERRUPTING A BLOKE'S PRIME TIME VIEWING.

127. ANYBODY WE KNOW?

128. BELONGED TO ROSE?

129. THEY WEREN'T COMPATIBLE.

130. OH, HE'S NICE ENOUGH. WE JUST WEREN'T COMPATIBLE.

131. HOW OLD IS HE? - 17!

132. TO SMOKE?

133. OH, TA.

134. KEEP THE PACK.

135. OH, CHEERS!

136. INTERESTED TILL HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK?

137. AW, NO! LOOK, I'VE MISSED IT NOW.

138. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUG OFF AND LET ME WATCH THE REPLAY.

139. NOW, I DON'T INTEND TO MAKE A BIG ISSUE OF IT.

140. I'D RATHER IT BECAME CLEAR GRADUALLY

141. DELICATE, HAND-PAINTED CHINA

142. OF THE GUEST SPEAKER,

143. PROMINENT MEMBERS.

144. HMMM?

145. PHYLLIS.

146. HAVE YOU SEEN A GHOST? - IT'S WORSE THAN THAT!

147. HYACINTH. - All: HYACINTH!

148. NOW, YOU WILL BE CAREFUL WITH MY CHINA, RICHARD?

149. I WILL, IF I CAN SEE.

150. OH, NO! DON'T ASK ME TO CARRY YOUR BEST CHINA, HYACINTH.

151. I CAN'T BEAR THE RESPONSIBILITY.

152. YOU'LL HAVE NO PROBLEM, DEAR.

153. EVERY DOOR FOR YOU.

154. AH! VICAR!

155. JUST THE MAN I WANT TO SEE.

156. HELLO, MRS. BUCKET.

157. "BOUQUET."

158. IN PRIVATE, VICAR.

159. TABLE AND THE GUEST SPEAKER,

160. I'VE BROUGHT ALONG MY OWN DELICATE, HAND-PAINTED CHINA.

161. GOING TO OPEN EVERY DOOR.

162. THANK YOU, VICAR. OH, IT'S VERY QUIET HERE.

163. THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE MANY PEOPLE ABOUT.

164. NO. PLEASE EXCUSE ME.

165. OH! DO BE CAREFUL, ELIZABETH!

166. VERY DEAR TO ME.

167. RICHARD BOUGHT IT? - NO, NOT RICHARD!

168. TO HIS MOMMY.

169. I PAID THE BILL.

170. YOU COULDN'T EXPECT A SCHOOLBOY TO AFFORD THINGS LIKE THIS.

171. ON THAT TABLE, DEARS.

172. VICAR, WHAT TIME IS OUR GUEST SPEAKER ARRIVING?

173. OH DEAR, I FORGOT THE SAUSAGE ROLLS.

174. HYACINTH!

175. SOMEBODY HERE.

176. THERE'S FOOD ON THE TABLE.

177. VARIETY, IT MUST BE SAID.

178. OF MY HAUTE CUISINE.

179. RICHARD, BRING MY ACCOUTREMENTS THROUGH, WILL YOU?

180. THIS'LL BE THE PRINCIPAL BUFFET TABLE-

181. WELL, I MUST BE GETTING ON, MRS. BUCKET.

182. "BOUQUET."

183. I'LL CATCH YOU LATER, VICAR,

184. AND FILL YOU IN IN SHERIDAN'S PROGRESS AT UNIVERSITY.

185. OH. GOOD.

186. HE'S DOING BRILLIANTLY WELL.

187. AH. - HIS TUTORS ALL FORECAST ASTONISHING THINGS FOR HIM.

188. DOWN THERE, DEAR.

189. THEY SHOULD BE QUITE SAFE.

190. NOW, I'D BETTER TRY AND BRING A LITTLE STYLE...

191. AND POLISH TO THIS FOOD.

192. FOR THE UNSKILLED JOBS.

193. WILLING TO WATCH AND LEARN.

194. ELIZABETH, COME HERE, DEAR.

195. GUARDING MY CHINA,

196. A FEW WILLING HELPERS?

197. WHAT IF THEY WON'T COME, HYACINTH?

198. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WON'T COME"? JUST TELL THEM WHO IT'S FOR.

199. IT HASN'T WORKED.

200. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

201. WELL, LOOK AT HIM. DOES HE LOOK JEALOUS?

202. MAYBE HE'S HIDING IT.

203. DOING A VERY GOOD JOB.

204. MAYBE HE'S IN TURMOIL INSIDE.

205. IF HE IS,

206. IT'S INDIGESTION.

207. LET'S FIND OUT.

208. ONSLOW?

209. DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO COPE NOW THAT DAISY'S GOT A TOY BOY?

210. HE WILL. I THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO COPE.

211. I TRUST YOU'VE REMEMBERED YOUR CRUETS, LADIES.

212. OH, YOU DO YOUR LETTUCE LIKE THAT?

213. AND CAREFREE?

214. RATHER MORE SYMMETRICALLY.

215. SUCH NATURAL GOOD TASTE.

216. "MY MOMMY," HE USED TO BOAST,

217. "DESIGNS THE PERFECT SALAD."

218. A WICKED BOY, SHERIDAN.

219. I USED TO PROTEST, OF COURSE,

220. COVERED WITH EMBARRASSMENT. BUT THAT'S HOW HE WAS.

221. SO PERCEPTIVE, EVEN AT THAT AGE.

222. TO MASTER CLING FILM, DON'T YOU, DEAR?

223. HAD GOOD TASTE.

224. QUITE A SMALL CHILD.

225. LOOKING AS THOUGH THEY'D BARELY SURVIVED AN EXPLOSION,

226. IN THE CIVILIZED WORLD.

227. OH, IS THAT ONE OF MRS. WATSON'S CAKES?

228. OH YES, I CAN SEE IT IS NOW.

229. SHE DOES TRY, BLESS HER.

230. THAT'S ONE OF SHERIDAN'S FAVORITE CAKES,

231. WHEN IT'S MADE PROPERLY.

232. NOT THAT HE HAS A SWEET TOOTH, HE'S VERY SELF-DISCIPLINED.

233. THAT HE'D NEVER

234. COOKS' BADGE THAN SHERIDAN.

235. OH, THAT'S NICE, DEAR.

236. WHATEVER IT IS.

237. IT'S VERY TOLERANT OF ONSLOW TO LET ME HAVE A TOY BOY.

238. TO LET ME HAVE A TOY BOY!

239. ON HIS MOSQUITO BITE.

240. DOESN'T LOVE ME.

241. HE LOVES YOU.

242. UNDERNEATH WHAT? HE'S GOT PRACTICALLY NOTHING ON.

243. SLIPS FROM YOUR MARRIAGE.

244. THESE DAYS, HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING NICE TO ME.

245. NEVER ANYTHING ROMANTIC?

246. NEVER.

247. I TELL A LIE,

248. ONCE HE SAID, "DAISY, YOU DO GREAT CHIPS."

249. IT'S NOT MUCH AFTER 20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

250. IS THAT ALL HE SAYS? - ANY MORE BEER?

251. THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS MOSTLY.

252. SEE, I THINK THE THING IS, HE JUST DOESN'T NOTICE.

253. SOME OTHER MAN,

254. AND SAW YOU WITH YOUR TOY BOY,

255. WOULD BE BOUND TO NOTICE,

256. TO ONSLOW.

257. HAVE TO NOTICE.

258. WE NEED ANOTHER MAN.

259. SOMEBODY RELIABLE. - YEAH...

260. WOULD LISTEN TO.

261. RICHARD!

262. DON'T WORRY, DEAR, THEY'RE NOT COMING TILL 1:00.

263. IN THIS DAY AND AGE, IS SHERIDAN'S INSTINCTIVE THOUGHTFULNESS,

264. AND CONCERN FOR HIS MOTHER.

265. IT'S SO VERY RARE.

266. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE GIFTED ACADEMICALLY.

267. GARLIC?

268. DO YOU THINK THAT'S QUITE APPROPRIATE IN AN ANGLICAN CHURCH HALL?

269. "RICHARD NEEDS ME"?

270. GO AND FIND OUT.

271. WHY'S HE NEED ME? - HE WOULDN'T SAY, BUT IT'S IMPORTANT!

272. ON THE PHONE.

273. THE PHONE.

274. DOWN, YOU NEVER HEARD THAT EITHER.

275. BUT HE'S NEVER NEEDED ME BEFORE.

276. HE'S YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW.

277. WHAT HE WANTS.

278. WHERE IS HE? - HE'S AT "ST. THINGY'S" CHURCH HALL.

279. WHERE? - NEAR HYACINTH, BUT WAIT OUTSIDE.

280. NEEDSYOU.

281. A HOLIDAY FROM HYACINTH.

282. COME ON!

283. GO ON. - OH, ALL RIGHT.

284. OH, YES, THOSE'LL DO, DEAR.

285. I EXPECT THEY'LL SEE US THROUGH LUNCH.

286. OH, VICAR!

287. MY SHERIDAN, DIDN'T I?

288. YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM, OF COURSE...

289. I'M AFRAID NOT, NO. - BUT YOU'LL HAVE HEARD OF HIM.

290. OH, MORE THAN ONCE.

291. MORE THAN ONCE.

292. THAT'S BETTER.

293. NEXT TIME HE'S ON LEAVE

294. STUDIES.

295. MAY I- - OH, THANK YOU.

296. OR BETTER STILL, YOU COULD COME OVER TO ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

297. NO, NOT THERE, VICAR.

298. THERE.

299. TSK, TSK, TSK.

300. YOU'LL FIND HIS CONVERSATION VERY STIMULATING. - I'M SURE.

301. INTELLECTUAL POWERS. - THAT'S NICE.

302. YES, ISN'T IT?

303. OF COURSE, I SPOTTED IT EARLY.

304. HE WAS MOST EXCEPTIONAL, EVEN AS A CHILD.

305. YES, HE WOULD BE. - EXCUSE ME, VICAR.

306. HYACINTH, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR HUSBAND?

307. OF COURSE. I SEE HIM REGULARLY. IT'S A GOOD WIFE'S DUTY.

308. NO, THERE'S SOMEONE OUTSIDE ASKING FOR HIM.

309. FOR RICHARD?

310. OH, IT'LL BE SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT FROM THE COUNCIL.

311. THERE'LL BE A CRISIS. RICHARD IS INVALUABLE IN A CRISIS.

312. EXCUSE ME, VICAR. I'D BETTER GO AND FIND HIM.

313. LIVES COULD BE AT STAKE.

314. HELP THE VICAR, WILL YOU, DEAR? RICHARD!

315. THAT'S BETTER. RICHARD!

316. I CAN'T THINK WHO IT MIGHT BE. - ALL THE MORE REASON TO TAKE TROUBLE.

317. ARE VERY IMPORTANT.

318. NOW, I SUGGEST ONE HAND IN YOUR JACKET POCKET.

319. OF RELAXED ALERTNESS.

320. TRY THE OTHER ONE, DEAR.

321. NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

322. HANDKERCHIEF IN YOUR TOP POCKET.

323. I HAVEN'T GOT ONE. - OH, REALLY!

324. WELL, WE CAN'T DO THAT THEN.

325. DON'T STAND ABOUT, DEAR.

326. HYACINTH, IT MAY BE NOTHING.

327. TO YOUR NEXT PROMOTION.

328. WHAT'S ONSLOW DOING HERE?

329. HOW SHOULD I KNOW? - GET RID OF HIM.

330. HOW CAN I DO THAT? - GET RID OF HIM!

331. OH, VERY WELL. LEAVE IT TO ME.

332. BE TACTFUL. - OF COURSE I'LL BE TACTFUL.

333. ONSLOW, GO AWAY-

334. BEFORE ANYONE SEES YOU.

335. THERE'S ONLY YOU... AND THE VICAR...

336. FEMALES.

337. YOU'VE NOT BEEN TALKING TO THE VICAR, HAVE YOU?

338. BEEN TALKING TO THE VICAR!

339. RELAX, I JUST CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW, DIDN'T I?

340. THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN. ANYWAY, WHATEVER IT IS, IT'LL HAVE TO WAIT.

341. I WANT A WORD WITH RICHARD. - THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE AT THE MOMENT.

342. IS LOOKING FOR RICHARD,

343. HE'S BEEN ASKED FOR AT THE DOOR.

344. THATWAS ME.

345. YOU?

346. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YOU"?

347. ALL THIS ABOUT?

348. I DON'T KNOW, DON'T LOOK AT ME.

349. YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME, ONSLOW.

350. I'M NEEDED INSIDE.

351. AND DON'T BE LONG!

352. AND WAFFLE, YOUR HYACINTH.

353. RICHARD, A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE.

354. I'LL SEE YOU AROUND THE BACK.

355. NEVER WEAR A SUIT?

356. HE HAS A SUIT.

357. IN A SUIT.

358. HE STILL LOOKED TERRIBLE, BUT AT LEAST HE LOOKED TERRIBLE IN A SUIT.

359. NOW THERE, COME ON.

360. BULGING OUT OF SKIMPY GARMENTS?

361. COME ALONG, DEAR. - HE DRESSES CASUALLY.

362. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CASUAL AND DOWNRIGHT RECKLESS.

363. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY DAISY MARRIED HIM.

364. AS CHILDREN,

365. SISTER'S GOING TO GROW UP TO MARRY ONE.

366. THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR WHO FALLS FOR WHOM.

367. THERE SHOULD BE, AND DON'T GET IN A PET, DEAR.

368. IT'S VERY UNTIDY,

369. WITH T-SHIRTS.

370. COME OF IT.

371. WHERE IS ONSLOW NOW?

372. ROUND THE BACK.

373. GOOD. KEEP GOING, DEAR. THERE'S LOTS MORE TO DO.

374. OH NO!

375. THEY HAVEN'T PUT MY CHINA IN WITH ALL THE REST.

376. ELIZABETH, DEAR, GIVE ME A HAND, WILL YOU,

377. UP TO THE TOP TABLE?

378. I WON'T HAVE THE WRONG PEOPLE DRINKING OUT OF MY HAND-PAINTED PERIWINKLES.

379. OH DEAR.

380. WILL BE AT THE TOP TABLE,

381. BUT I'D BETTER CHECK WITH THE VICAR, WHERE IS HE?

382. HE'S OUTSIDE AT THE BACK.

383. WHAT? - HE'S JUST STARTED THE OUTDOOR PRAYERS.

384. RICHARD, DON'T JUST SIT THERE, DEAR, COME ON.

385. GET RID OF ONSLOW,

386. AND HURRY, BEFORE THE VICAR CATCHES UP WITH HIM.

387. I'LL BE OUT LATER.

388. PUT THOSE DOWN, DEAR!

389. - THEY'VE STARTED.

390. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

391. IT'S NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING...

392. BROKEN ON THE WHEEL,

393. AT THE FOUNTAIN.

394. PARDON?

395. £40 EACH AND IRREPLACEABLE!

396. TO DRAG A BLOKE.

397. WHY'D YOU WANT TO SEE ME?

398. AND WHY HERE? - ME?

399. I GOT A MESSAGE. * -US WITH THY SPIRIT * - NOT FROM ME!

400. WHO ON EARTH'S THAT?

401. I'VE NO IDEA. I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

402. SORRY.

403. GREAT IDEA OF YOURS, DICKY, TO DRAG ME IN HERE.

404. CHEERS. - CHEERS.

405. ONSLOW,

406. I DON'T WANT TO BE PERSONAL, BUT-

407. JUST NOW...

408. WASN'T THAT DAISY?

409. DAISY? - YOUR WIFE?

410. OH, THAT DAISY.

411. DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS... FUNNY?

412. I SUPPOSE I DID, REALLY.

413. SHE LIKED MOTORBIKES.