Keeping Up Appearances 1x3

Directed by Harold Snoad

Liz Gebhardt as The Angry Woman • Michael Bilton as His Lordship • Eric Carte as Parking Attendant • Less "Leslie" Clack as Stately Home Visitor • Stella Kemball as Stately Home Visitor

Hyacinth and Richard visit a stately home where the leading lady hopes to meet a member of the aristocratic family. However she fears her social status will be sabotaged by Onslow, Daisy and Rose, who turn up unexpectedly. Thus Hyacinth drags Richard through the ground's private gardens to hide from the lower-class clan.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I OUGHT TO VISIT DADDY.

2. OH REALLY?

3. IT'S MY DUTY TO VISIT DADDY.

4. I SUPPOSE IT IS.

5. KNOWN ME SHIRK MY DUTY?

6. NOT A SINGLE SHIRK.

7. OF RESPONSIBILITIES.

8. IT'S NOT THAT I MIND VISITING DADDY,

9. OF COURSE NOT.

10. IT'S JUST THAT HE'S SURROUNDED

11. IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE.

12. WELL, THEY'RE YOUR FAMILY, HYACINTH.

13. REGULATED FAMILIES.

14. FOR INSPECTION, RICHARD?

15. HELLO, LIZ. YES.

16. A RUN IN THE COUNTRY.

17. I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE UP A THREESOME.

18. NO! THANK YOU, BUT I'M GOING TO BE VERY BUSY.

19. OF YOU TO ASK.

20. - GOOD MORNING, ELIZABETH. - MORNING, HYACINTH.

21. AND CASUAL YOU LOOK.

22. GARDENING, TOO,

23. SOMEWHERE IN THE COUNTRY, SOMEWHERE EDUCATIONAL,

24. SOAK UP A LITTLE CULTURE. I FEEL I OWE IT TO SHERIDAN.

25. - WELL, HAVE A NICE TIME. - THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM, IF YOU'D CARE TO—

26. NO! THANK YOU.

27. IN CASE MY HUSBAND TELEPHONES.

28. IT'S NICE WHEN THEY TELEPHONE, ISN'T IT?

29. WHEN HE'S AWAY

30. CONTINUALLY.

31. WHEN WAS I AWAY? HAVE I EVER BEEN AWAY?

32. I DON'T REMEMBER THE PRECISE OCCASION, DEAR.

33. THAT YOU TELEPHONED.

34. FUNNY. IF YOU'D HAVE ASKED ME,

35. I'D HAVE SWORN I'D NEVER BEEN AWAY.

36. NEVER BEEN AWAY.

37. VERY NICE, RICHARD.

38. FROM THE FAR EAST.

39. WE OFTEN ASK AFTER HIM.

40. I WILL, HYACINTH. THANK YOU.

41. THINGS LIKE "WHY DOESN'T HE COME HOME MORE?"

42. DO YOU THINK?

43. GOOD LORD YES, HE LIVES ABROAD MOST OF THE TIME.

44. WHY DOESN'T HE COME HOME MORE OFTEN?

45. I DON'T SUPPOSE HIS FIRM ALLOWS HIM.

46. IT COSTS MONEY.

47. WHEN HE DOES COME HOME, I DO HOPE HE WON'T BE

48. TROPICAL AILMENTS.

49. WE'LL HAVE TO BE

50. AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

51. PAST NUMBER 23,

52. MY HAT.

53. NOW, WE CAN GO

54. OR THROUGH RIDLEY.

55. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO?

56. I WISH YOU WOULDN'T

57. TO ME, RICHARD.

58. ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THE "B" ROAD

59. AND WE'LL GO THE LANGLEY WAY.

60. I'D MUCH RATHER WE WENT THE RIDLEY WAY.

61. THE RIDLEY WAY.

62. ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK WE'LL GO THE RIDLEY WAY.

63. I'LL TURN ROUND IN THE GARAGE.

64. YOU KNOW, I REALLY OUGHT TO VISIT DADDY FIRST.

65. TURN LEFT FOR DADDY.

66. ON REFLECTION, TO SEE DADDY ON THE WAY BACK.

67. TURNING ROUND.

68. NO, MY CONSCIENCE IS PRICKING ME.

69. DADDY FIRST.

70. LEFT AGAIN.

71. ON SECOND THOUGHTS,

72. TO GO TO CARLDON HALL FIRST,

73. TOO CROWDED.

74. SECOND THOUGHTS.

75. ANYWAY, I NEED TIME TO PREPARE FOR ONSLOW.

76. I CAN'T STAND

77. IN HIS UNDERSHIRT.

78. WATCH THE CYCLIST.

79. I'M WATCHING THE CYCLIST, HYACINTH.

80. RIVETED TO THE CYCLIST.

81. AREN'T WE GOING TOO FAST? THIS IS A BUILT-UP AREA.

82. I'M UNDER THE LIMIT.

83. WELL, YOU WENT PAST NUMBER 23 TOO FAST.

84. FAR TOO FAST.

85. TO SEE MY HAT.

86. AND WATCH THE LORRY.

87. WHICH LORRY?

88. THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE. YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE LORRY.

89. - WHERE IS HE? - PARKED OVER THERE.

90. OF A DUAL CARRIAGE-WAY.

91. I DON'T THINK

92. I LIKE YOUR TONE, RICHARD.

93. CHANGING TONE.

94. - NOW WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG? - IT'S NO GOOD.

95. I CAN'T GO BLITHELY OFF INTO THE COUNTRY.

96. VISIT DADDY.

97. I'D BETTER NOT PARK OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. IT BLOCKS THE STREET.

98. MARRY ONSLOW?

99. SHE LOVED HIM.

100. DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. HOW CAN YOU LOVE AN ONSLOW?

101. ON COACH TRIPS.

102. I JUST PRAY I'M NEVER

103. SOCIAL STANDING.

104. DADDY IN THIS ENVIRONMENT.

105. - IT'S WHERE HE WAS BORN. - THAT'S NOT THE IMPRESSION I CARE TO CULTIVATE.

106. SUPPER CLASS.

107. DON'T YOU SCREAM AT ME.

108. YOUR HUSBAND.

109. I WOULDN'T TOUCH HIM WITH A SIX-FOOT POLE!

110. FIND A SIX-FOOT POLE.

111. A SORT OF... YOUNGER LECH WALENSA.

112. I CAN'T HELP IT

113. THROWS HIMSELF AT ME!

114. HE WAS NOT ENCOURAGED.

115. IF HE CAN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF ME, THAT'S HIS PROBLEM.

116. DOING WHAT?

117. WELL, SHE'S LYING.

118. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FOUND IN HIS CAR,

119. THEY'RE NOT MINE.

120. WHAT'S THE MATTER? ARE WE ON FIRE?

121. I'VE JUST SEEN A CAR PULL UP. IT'S OUR HYACINTH.

122. - OH, GOD! - WELL, NEAR ENOUGH.

123. I'LL HAVE TO GO. I'LL FIGHT WITH YOU LATER.

124. I WONDERED WHERE I'D LOST THAT PAIR.

125. HELP ME TIDY UP.

126. WHAT'S OUR HYACINTH DOING HERE?

127. I EXPECT SHE'S COME TO VISIT FATHER.

128. I WISH SHE'D

129. THREE MONTHS.

130. PUT THE KETTLE ON, ROSE.

131. - MAKE A CUP OF TEA. - IS ONSLOW GETTING UP?

132. OH, YOU KNOW ONSLOW.

133. IT'S WORLD WAR III.

134. OH!

135. LEAVE IT. LEAVE IT.

136. YOU'VE WOKEN THE DOG.

137. GOOD MORNING, ONSLOW.

138. DON'T SAY

139. WHEN I'VE JUST BEEN SAVAGED BY HIS DOG.

140. LESS NOISE, YOU DAFT BITCH.

141. FOR YOU AS WELL, DOG.

142. AREN'T YOU SMOKING TOO MANY, ROSE?

143. KEEP YOUR FIGURE.

144. IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY FELLAS SHE KEEPS IT FOR.

145. SHUT YOUR FACE, ONSLOW.

146. ANY MORE TEA? OR MORE TO THE POINT,

147. - ANY MORE BEAKERS? OF THIS.

148. TA.

149. - WELL, HOW IS DADDY? - DAFT AS A BRUSH.

150. - BE QUIET, ONSLOW. - WELL, HE GETS BARMY.

151. LIVE IN THE CAR? - SHE LIKES THE CAR.

152. - YEAH, SO— - I'M TALKING ABOUT DADDY.

153. - SORRY. - I WISH HE'D LIVE IN THE CAR.

154. WHO'S A LOVELY GIRL, THEN?

155. BE SAID FOR YOUR HYACINTH.

156. GET THAT HAT?

157. THE HAT? STRIKING, ISN'T IT?

158. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COPE DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

159. OH, YOU... GET USED TO IT.

160. THAT'S TERRIFYING.

161. THAT'S THE MOST I'VE EVER HEARD.

162. HAD THE DOG?

163. OH, SHE ADOPTED US LAST WEEK.

164. I THOUGHT SHE'D SLEEP

165. THE CAR.

166. YOU'VE NEVER HAD A DOG, DICKY?

167. NO, HYACINTH CAN'T DO WITH THE MESS.

168. YOU KNOW, WE OUGHT TO GO OUT AND HAVE A DRINK SOMETIME, YOU AND ME.

169. HEADING FOR TODAY?

170. THESE STATELY HOMES.

171. WE'LL PROBABLY END UP IN CARLDON HALL.

172. CARLDON HALL?

173. REALLY BORING.

174. PROBABLY WILL BE.

175. USUALLY IS.

176. RIGHT. WHERE IS THE BITCH?

177. SHE'S INSIDE, LOVE. UPSTAIRS.

178. I'LL KILL HER! I'LL PLUCK HER EYES OUT!

179. WHO IS SHE?

180. IT'S USUALLY THE WIFE OF ONE OF ROSE'S BOYFRIENDS.

181. NEVER MIND WHO I AM!

182. TO SORT YOU OUT!

183. NEVER MIND WHO YOU ARE?

184. COME BURSTING IN!

185. A DROP MORE TEA, HYACINTH?

186. TEA? HADN'T WE BETTER DO SOMETHING?

187. THERE'S A MAD WOMAN ATTACKING ROSE UPSTAIRS.

188. OH, NO. ROSE WILL BE FINE.

189. SHE'S VERY EXPERIENCED.

190. TO BE THE TROUBLE.

191. SICK IN THE NEXT ROOM,

192. AT FULL VOLUME.

193. OF ALL THESE SCENES?

194. OH, HE NEVER BOTHERS. YOU KNOW FATHER.

195. HE'S IN A WORLD OF HIS OWN.

196. BY THE WAY, BEFORE YOU GO,

197. IF I TRY YOUR HAT?

198. IN A HAT.

199. NO.

200. NO, I TELL A LIE.

201. NOTICE ME IN A HAT.

202. IN BRA AND BLACK STOCKINGS.

203. BE ALL RIGHT?

204. ROSE WILL BE FINE. ROSE CAN HANDLE WIVES.

205. THERE'S ONLY ONE THING

206. AND THAT'S HUSBANDS.

207. ONSLOW,

208. THERE'S SOMEBODY CLIMBING

209. AND A FANCY CAPE.

210. - ARE YOU BEING BURGLED? - NO, THAT'S NOT A BURGLAR.

211. THAT'S YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW.

212. HYACINTH'S DADDY? WHAT'S HE DOING?

213. THIS WEEK HE'S BEING CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT,

214. SWORD OF JUSTICE,

215. OF ALL EVILDOERS.

216. AT DRAINPIPES?

217. NOT A LOT.

218. HE'S GONE DOWN THE STREET.

219. HADN'T WE BETTER GET AFTER HIM?

220. - PERSONALLY, I'M INCLINED NOT TO BOTHER. - REALLY?

221. HE'S ONLY GONNA RESCUE HER AT THE POST OFFICE.

222. - WHAT FROM? - A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH, I THINK HE SAID,

223. A WHITE WOMAN.

224. I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD TELL HYACINTH.

225. I'LL GO ALONG WITH THAT.

226. GET HIM BACK?

227. - THEY'LL GET A COUPLE OF CUSTOMERS TO BRING HIM BACK. - REALLY?

228. IT'S THE POST OFFICE.

229. THEY DELIVER.

230. YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT.

231. WITH A COAT OF PAINT.

232. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET THE DECORATORS IN.

233. CAN'T ONSLOW DECORATE?

234. MY ONSLOW?

235. OH, NO.

236. HE'S MORE... YOUR BIG IDLE SLOB.

237. OH, WE WARNED YOU, DAISY, WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM.

238. I KNOW, MARKS FOR CONSISTENCY.

239. - LISTEN. - I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

240. THAT'S JUST IT— I CAN'T HEAR THEM ARGUING ANYMORE.

241. IT'S GONE QUIET.

242. DEATHLY QUIET.

243. I DON'T LIKE IT.

244. LEAD TO TRAGEDY.

245. GUIDED SUPERNATURALLY.

246. I CAN'T EVEN HEAR OUR ROSE SMOKING.

247. OH, MY GOODNESS. YOU DON'T THINK—

248. OOH!

249. ROSE ISN'T USUALLY VIOLENT.

250. NO, BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT OTHER WOMAN?

251. - MEN! - THEY'RE ALL SWINES!

252. IT'S US WOMEN THAT SUFFER.

253. SHOULD THAT BE "IT'S WE WOMEN WHO SUFFER"?

254. - WE'LL MAKE HIM PAY. - OOH, I'D LIKE THAT.

255. A PLEASURE.

256. I'LL HAVE TO GO GET HIS DINNER ON.

257. AND YOU, LOVE.

258. THAT ROSE,

259. WHAT SUFFERING IS.

260. YOU'RE A SWINE TO YOUR WIFE,

261. YOU MISERABLE,

262. HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE A SWINE TO YOUR WIFE?

263. I'LL TELL YOU HOW I KNOW— BECAUSE SHE'S JUST LEFT HERE.

264. OH, I BET THAT'S JUST MADE HIS DAY.

265. DAISY, DADDY'S NOT IN HIS ROOM.

266. WHERE'S HE GONE? HE SHOULDN'T BE OUT ON HIS OWN.

267. HE WON'T BE ON HIS OWN. HE'LL BE IN THE GRIP OF A COUPLE OF CUSTOMERS.

268. - MMM? - PROBABLY WOMEN.

269. OH, HOW CONSIDERATE.

270. I EXPECT HE'S HELPING A BUSY ROAD.

271. EROTIC BOOKS BACK!

272. HOW YOU CAN

273. A DROP MORE TEA, HYACINTH?

274. I THINK NOT, NO THANK YOU.

275. - I DON'T MEAN THE BLACK RUBBER CLOTHING SECTION!

276. OVERHEARING.

277. YOU WEREN'T ALL THAT TERRIFIC ANYWAY.

278. BOOKS OR NO BOOKS,

279. YOU'D NO CHANCE OF GETTING PAST PAGE 22.

280. AY!

281. JUST LET'S GO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY.

282. MARRIED TO ONSLOW,

283. BUT TO LET HIM DRINK OUT OF HER BEAKER.

284. AND AS FOR ROSE,

285. SHE'S MISBEHAVING WITH SOMEONE LITERATE.

286. WELL, YOU'VE DONE YOUR DUTY.

287. YOU VISITED YOUR FATHER.

288. I CAN'T BELIEVE

289. ON THE POSTMISTRESS.

290. WELL, AT LEAST YOU KNOW HE'S FIT.

291. MMM?

292. NO, I EXPECTED SOMETHING QUITE SIMPLE.

293. AND HE STUMBLED TOWARDS HER. POOR DADDY.

294. IT'S DICKY I FEEL SORRY FOR.

295. SHE'S GOT EYES EVERYWHERE.

296. UNDERNEATH.

297. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CLEAN THAT KITCHEN.

298. IF WE ALL GOT "STOOKEN,"

299. CLEAN THAT KITCHEN.

300. TALK TO YOURSELF, DAISY.

301. THERE'S YOUR FATHER BEING TAKEN HOME NOW.

302. DO YOU WANT TO STOP?

303. NO, IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING.

304. HE SEEMS TO BE HAPPY.

305. THAT'S NOT THE KIND

306. FROM CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT.

307. GOOD AFTERNOON. 50p FOR THE CAR PARK, PLEASE.

308. OH, CAN'T WE PARK NEARER THE HOUSE?

309. THAT'S RESERVED FOR THE FAMILY, MADAM.

310. I'M NOT SAYING I AM FAMILY,

311. FOR CHARITABLE PURPOSES.

312. I'M SURE SHE'D REMEMBER

313. WITH MATCHING ENVELOPES.

314. YOU'LL HAVE TO PARK IN THE PUBLIC AREA, MADAM.

315. IT ISN'T AS IF WE BELONG WITH THE MASSES,

316. AT UNIVERSITY.

317. I'M SORRY, MADAM.

318. OF A LARGE LOCAL AUTHORITY.

319. I WISH YOU WOULDN'T INVOLVE ME, HYACINTH.

320. PASS THROUGH HIS HANDS.

321. I'D REALLY RATHER JUST SIT HERE IN NEUTRAL.

322. - YOU'LL HAVE TO PARK IN THE PUBLIC AREA, MADAM. - I DON'T THINK—

323. HYACINTH, IT'S NOT WORTH UPSETTING HIS LORDSHIP.

324. VERY WELL, DEAR.

325. THANK YOU.

326. DRIVE ON, RICHARD.

327. COME TO THIS ROOM?

328. BECAUSE IT'S NEAR THE FAMILY QUARTERS, DEAR.

329. HIS LORDSHIP'S EYE,

330. OR BETTER YET, HER LADYSHIP'S,

331. STRIKE UP AN ACQUAINTANCE.

332. AND THEN WE'LL SEE

333. PRIVATE AREA.

334. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE THROUGH THERE YET.

335. DO BE PATIENT, RICHARD DEAR.

336. IMPECCABLE MANNERS.

337. ONCE WE'VE ESTABLISHED EYE CONTACT,

338. WE'RE ALMOST HONOR BOUND TO BE INVITED TO TEA.

339. IT'S NOT VERY LIKELY, HYACINTH.

340. QUALITY.

341. THIS HAT?

342. - LET THESE PEOPLE PASS, RICHARD. - NO, NO, NO, AFTER YOU.

343. NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

344. WE'RE WAITING FOR HIS LORDSHIP.

345. OH.

346. I AM SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST VISITORS.

347. I KNOW. PEOPLE KEEP MAKING THAT MISTAKE.

348. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.

349. - HOW MUCH YOU GOT, ROSE? - 20.

350. 50p PLEASE, SIR.

351. A BIT OF A SLOPE TO PARK ON.

352. ONLY THIS OLD BITCH ISN'T TOO CLEVER AT STARTING AGAIN.

353. - I CAN BELIEVE THAT.

354. HERE, HAVE YOU HAD THROUGH HERE,

355. SHELL-SHOCKED?

356. WOMAN WITH A BIG HAT?

357. SHE WAS MURDER.

358. THAT'S THE ONE.

359. A BIT, HYACINTH.

360. NOW DO BE PATIENT, RICHARD.

361. ABSORB THE PICTURE.

362. I'VE BEEN ABSORBING IT FOR 10 MINUTES.

363. 10 MINUTES?

364. PAINTED TO BE ENJOYED FOREVER.

365. IT'S BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE FOREVER.

366. WE'LL LEAVE WHEN I'VE HAD A GLIMPSE OF THE FAMILY.

367. WHAT'S THE POINT?

368. BUILDING UP A RELATIONSHIP. THAT'S THE POINT.

369. THEY DON'T KNOW YOU FROM ADAM.

370. LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.

371. THEY'LL RECOGNIZE BREEDING WHEN THEY SEE IT.

372. ISN'T THAT A LOVELY PICTURE?

373. I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER HER LADYSHIP.

374. WHEN? WHEN DID YOU MEET HER?

375. WE MET, OF COURSE,

376. THE GARDEN PARTY.

377. YOU WERE IN THE CROWD, THAT'S ALL.

378. IN MY DIRECTION.

379. IMPRESSED HER.

380. PERFORMANCE OF SWAN LAKE.

381. SHE KNOWS THE FAMILY.

382. THEY'RE FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY.

383. FOR CHARITY.

384. - WHEN WAS THAT? - THE GARDEN PARTY.

385. OUR FAMILIES, HER LADYSHIP'S AND MINE,

386. THEIR LINKS.

387. MY FATHER, TOO,

388. TO CARRYING A SWORD.

389. ARE YOU UP THERE, DICKY?

390. ONSLOW.

391. - DID YOU TELL HIM? - TELL HIM WHAT?

392. - YOU MUST HAVE TOLD HIM. - TOLD HIM WHAT?

393. - WHERE WE WERE GOING. SOMETHING.

394. FANCY DOING THAT. YOU PRACTICALLY INVITED HIM.

395. HYACINTH, HE'S HERE NOW.

396. WE JUST CAN'T KEEP RUNNING.

397. IN HIS UNDERSHIRT.

398. AFFORD IT.

399. I DON'T THINK HYACINTH

400. WHEN WE DO FIND HER.

401. THAT CAR PARK ATTENDANT?

402. THAT CAR PARK ATTENDANT. - OH.

403. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WANT WITH HYACINTH.

404. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND HYACINTH.

405. IT'S YOUR FATHER WHO'S SENILE, NOT ME.

406. WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE POOR OLD DICKY.

407. HE'S THE ONE I FEEL SORRY FOR.

408. BEVYS DOWN HIM.

409. WHAT THE HELL DO CALL THAT?

410. IT'S ART.

411. ART?

412. I WOULDN'T WRAP MY CHIPS UP IN IT.

413. HERE, ROSE, WHAT DO YOU RECKON OF THIS?

414. HIDE.

415. THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY. COME ON!

416. RICHARD!

417. PSST! PSST!

418. CAN I HELP YOU?

419. A PUBLIC AREA, YOU KNOW.

420. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

421. I'M A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY'S.

422. ARE OLD ACQUAINTANCES.

423. - TO START GETTING OFFICIOUS. - OH, YES BUT—

424. WE'RE MERELY HIDING

425. WHO'S TRYING PURSUE US.

426. ODD PEOPLE ABOUT.

427. I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.

428. THAT THAT WAS HIS LORDSHIP?

429. LIKE THE GARDENER.

430. A GARDENER.

431. I THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE.

432. HE'S NO RIGHT TO LOOK LIKE A GARDENER.