Joe Pera Talks With You 2x12

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Joe shows the audience how to pack a lunch, but it only takes two minutes, so Joe tells the story of how Mike made up with Sue and how he got sprayed by a skunk.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hello. My name is Joe Pera,

2. and I figured that if you're watching this program,

3. you like to bring your lunch, as well.

4. This last evening of summer break, I'm about to make me

5. and Sarah's first lunches of the school year.

6. There are about a million ways to do this,

7. but I'll show you what I do.

8. I'll start with a sandwich, and this week is a turkey week.

9. Most weeks are.

10. As we've established, I don't want too exciting a lunch.

11. I like my days to go like this.

12. That's why I eat turkey sandwiches.

13. Also, he loves that dry bird meat.

14. It's true.

15. When I would go over to my Nonna's house

16. for dinner on Sunday nights,

17. I would do the dishes, and she'd pack my lunch for me.

18. I'd try and stop her,

19. but I couldn't because my hands were wet.

20. It's weird.

21. I can never recreate the flavor of her sandwiches,

22. even though the only thing unique about them

23. was that she would use too much mayonnaise.

24. She's with us in the mayonnaise.

25. I've been trying to cut down on my plastic consumption,

26. so I've been washing and re-using my sandwich bags.

27. Next up, a salty, crispy.

28. Just something from the snack aisle.

29. Doesn't have to be healthy.

30. A durable fruit or vegetable.

31. Non-caffeinated cinnamon tea,

32. which will go great with dessert, store-bought cookies.

33. Like I said...

34. Though, since it's the first day of school,

35. a little something extra.

36. You put it in a reusable lunch bag,

37. and that's it.

38. Yeah.

39. That's how I pack my lunch.

40. Um, it's kind of interesting how no matter what you put

41. in there, by fifth period tomorrow,

42. it's all going to taste the same.

43. And, uh, that's it.

44. That's how I pack my lunch.

45. Mm.

46. My outfit is laid out.

47. I was going to wear that jacket that Jeremy and Josiah gave me,

48. try something different, but I can't now.

49. Um, what are you packing for your lunch tomorrow?

50. T — tell them the story.

51. It's okay.

52. Come on. Tell them the story.

53. It — it's not a really good story.

54. Yes, it is.

55. How about a thermos of soup?

56. Come on. Just tell them.

57. Okay.

58. I was walking to the Melsky's the other night.

59. It was about a month ago.

60. I was returning home from a fashion show with

61. Gene and Lulu.

62. - Good night, Joe. - See you, Joe.

63. Ultimately, I decided against moving to Milwaukee.

64. I knew I had to get back to Gus.

65. That's when I remembered that I had left him

66. with the Melsky kids across the street.

67. Mike.

68. Hey.

69. See you at home, Gus.

70. I think my kids stole your dog.

71. Yep.

72. I didn't mean to act surprised.

73. I just wasn't expecting to see you here.

74. Yeah, I realized it was time to come home.

75. Hey, this is some good shit.

76. You know, you should be with that girl.

77. - Yeah. - Yeah.

78. Yeah.

79. You're right.

80. Can you guys help me with a favor?

81. Yeah, buddy.

82. So what's up, Scott?

83. She's not running quite right.

84. I think it might be a spark plug or something.

85. Okay. I don't know where Mike is,

86. but he can take a look at it when he gets back.

87. Just look under the hood.

88. Just look under the hood.

89. Uh, S — S...

90. I love you. Um...

91. I'm — I'm — I don't — I don't —

92. Uh, I acted like an idiot.

93. I'm stupid.

94. I'm honestly dumb,

95. and you're beautiful. You're awesome.

96. I — I — I missed you so much.

97. I can't do anything without you.

98. I — I can't be without you.

99. I think about you all the time.

100. I'm so horny, and I'm —

101. I don't know how to wash clothes,

102. and you're good and funny and cool,

103. and I don't know how to use certain things on my phone,

104. and, look, you're the hardest working

105. and most compassionate person I ever met in my life,

106. and I... You deserve a husband

107. that'll treat you like an empress.

108. I'll start eating vegetables again

109. and no more all chicken diet.

110. It's a gift card.

111. I appreciate you.

112. This is the best I can do.

113. I know.

114. Yeah? Okay.

115. Yeah? Yeah.

116. Very good!

117. - All right! - Yes!

118. - Yes! - Yeah!

119. Thank God for my father and my brothers.

120. So stupid, but it was the little bit of effort

121. I had been waiting for, and to actually get divorced

122. would have been a financial nightmare.

123. Yeah. Yeah.

124. I'm glad you're back.

125. Hey, there. Thank you for watching Gus.

126. You remember to feed him?

127. Yes.

128. I don't believe you.

129. I really did.

130. Good.

131. $20?

132. Whoo! Go put it in your piggy bank.

133. Hey, Josh.

134. Hey.

135. And, uh, Sue, congratulations.

136. On what?

137. On your family.

138. Thanks.

139. What are you wearing?

140. Walker's Point Collection.

141. - It looks good. - Okay.

142. Come on.

143. Don't push someone when you're on top.

144. Get off my property.

145. I had been so preoccupied that I forgot to ask someone

146. to water my bean arch while I was away.

147. Still, someone did.

148. Must have been Sarah.

149. Sarah?

150. It's Joe.

151. I just want to thank you for watering my beans.

152. Well, you know how much my arch means to me, but I'm sorry.

153. I don't want to talk about beans.

154. I wanted to apologize for going away like that.

155. Aaah!

156. Joe?

157. Joe?

158. Joe?

159. You all right?

160. Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

161. The story ends with the spray of the skunk!

162. I'm sorry.

163. I didn't mean to go that far,

164. but we kissed in the tomato sauce.

165. You're sick.

166. We kissed in the tomato sauce.

167. Can you give me a hand here?

168. Okay.

169. Wow.

170. Very nice.

171. Sarah will be able to keep these preserved beans in her basement.

172. They'll last for up to three to five years.

173. Uh, "Rick Steves' Europe" comes on in 20 minutes.

174. You want to go outside one more time?

175. Sure.

176. Oh.

177. Oh, boy.

178. It's even nicer than I thought out.

179. Yeah. It feels good out here.

180. Yeah. I think so.

181. Here. I got it.

182. The summer's bean crop was so plentiful

183. that even after giving some away and canning others,

184. we still have lots to harvest.

185. After they dry on the stalk,

186. we'll pick them and bring them inside,

187. remove the seeds by cracking away the shell,

188. then laying the seeds out on newspaper to dry further.

189. After another two weeks,

190. we'll select the best ones to save for planting next year.

191. And then we'll do it all over again.

192. Yep.

193. You ready to go back to the rat race?

194. Please don't mention that movie anymore.

195. I'm sorry. I forgot.

196. Are you ready to go back to school?

197. Now, that movie you can mention anytime.

198. All right. Let's not miss Rick.

199. Oh, we can't miss Rick.

200. I'm coming, Rick.

201. I hope he talks about Paris.

202. He talks about Paris every time.

203. You know, he talks about Paris like you talk about beans.

204. Ha. Would you want to go sometime?

205. No.

206. How come?

207. I — I can't.

208. Why?

209. I'm on a freaking list.