Joe Pera Talks With You 1x9

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In which Joe Pera answers viewers' questions about cold weather sports such as ice hockey, downhill skiing, snowmobiling, and luge.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I just wish you thought about real stuff.

2. Snowmobiles.

3. Snowmobiles.

4. Snowmobiles.

5. Snowmobiles.

6. Snowmobiles.

7. Snowmobiles.

8. Snowmobiles.

9. Snowmobiles.

10. Hello.

11. My name is Joe Pera,

12. and this program was supposed to be

13. about cold weather sports.

14. But after my conversation with Sarah last week,

15. they just don't seem that important.

16. With 65 million refugees,

17. it kind of seems silly to talk about luge.

18. It was a good game, though.

19. The Melskys' older daughter, Nicole,

20. had two goals and an assist, though I didn't see it

21. 'cause I'm training my eyes not to need glasses.

22. Two?

23. I suppose sports are still good for a few things.

24. One, they teach you how to deal with failure.

25. Two, they build community,

26. - and three — - Hey, Joe. You seen my phone?

27. I'm — I'm sorry, Mike, I haven't.

28. Someone told me this week

29. I don't think about the right things.

30. What do you think about?

31. Well, usually think about

32. whether cars can heal themselves.

33. What about you?

34. On most days, I'm thinking

35. about Nana and Gus and Gene,

36. what I have to do for work,

37. and trying not to eat anything too spicy.

38. A couple weeks back, I was thinking real hard,

39. trying to determine whether eating spaghetti

40. could be the highlight of my year.

41. But I think Sarah was right.

42. I ought to spend my thinking time on real questions

43. like, will America pay for what we've done?

44. What happens when Nana can't live on her own,

45. and what about me makes Lulu so annoyed?

46. It seems to be more than just that time

47. me and Gene ordered 12 movies off the satellite dish.

48. Can I ask you?

49. Do you think that we're just one electrical grid shutdown away

50. from turning on one another?

51. I guess Sarah does.

52. Even before she mentioned her fortified basement,

53. it should have occurred to me that she's one of those people

54. who prepares for the collapse of society,

55. like that time she wore thermal Mylar pants to school,

56. or how every time I show her something,

57. she tells me how I can start a fire with it.

58. That's how start a fire.

59. Or when I ran into her at the supermarket,

60. and she had all those cans.

61. I'm trying to see the big picture,

62. but it's making me car sick,

63. and it's also affecting my work.

64. I was doing solo auditions Tuesday,

65. and things kind of got derailed.

66. Are you ready, Thatcher Jay?

67. I was born ready.

68. You have any questions about the music?

69. No, not really.

70. That's good.

71. If you're nervous, you can just remember

72. that when Robert De Niro auditioned for "Godfather,"

73. he lost the role of Sonny to James Caan.

74. But it kind of worked out

75. because he was able to play Young Vito in "Godfather II."

76. Okay.

77. You seen "The Godfather"?

78. No.

79. Me, either.

80. I try and avoid movies with violence.

81. Um, can I ask you something?

82. What?

83. Do you think our society is governed by violence?

84. Yeah, I guess, in a way, that's true.

85. I mean, with all the gun violence,

86. people feel like they need to protect themselves

87. if other people have guns, so they're, like,

88. "Well, I need to have one, too."

89. I've been kind of, um —

90. I — not dating,

91. but I've been spending some time with a woman,

92. and she thinks the world is going to end soon.

93. Do — Do you feel that way?

94. What do you usually think about?

95. Mm.

96. Sometimes, I think about my family a lot.

97. I feel like I think about

98. what I'm going to do when they're gone, and —

99. I thought about that, too.

100. And it really saddens my heart sometimes

101. that I know that I'm gonna — I'm gonna die someday,

102. and all my friends and family.

103. How often do you think about that type of stuff?

104. Almost every day.

105. What do you think is the most important thing of all?

106. Well, the first thing that comes into my mind is having a family.

107. But if everybody around you moved away or died,

108. the second thing is probably friends.

109. - Paying attention. - Why?

110. 'Cause if you don't pay attention,

111. then you don't know what to do.

112. If your friends know who you are,

113. you don't need anybody else, you know?

114. You just do your own thing.

115. Yeah. I like that.

116. You ready to sing the solo?

117. Yes.

118. - Whenever you're ready. - Okay.

119. Fortified basement.

120. Joey, what are you thinking about?

121. How, in 15 years, 30% of the U.S. jobs

122. will be done by robots.

123. Oh.

124. You think they'll automate choir teaching?

125. Probably not.

126. Here. Have a meatball

127. while the pasta boils.

128. Oh.

129. Ohh!

130. I think I figured out why most of my questions are about food.

131. - Hey, Nana? - Yeah.

132. When a drone kills a human being —

133. Joey, you ask so many good questions,

134. and not even a smart person could answer them all at once.

135. So, why don't you pick one, figure it out,

136. and then you can move on to the next one?

137. Well, which one is most important?

138. This one.

139. When you gettin' married?

140. Ha. I actually —

141. I bought this at the mall store

142. so you'd stop asking me.

143. Oh, Joey.

144. If you get married without telling me,

145. I'm gonna kill you with my pots and pants.

146. The violence is ingrained in us.

147. Yeah.

148. I think I messed up with Sarah.

149. - How so? - I know I was definitely wrong

150. about the rat musical stuff,

151. but beyond that,

152. I just think we see the world...

153. in very different ways.

154. Well, you don't need to see the world in the same ways.

155. You just need to get along.

156. Do you like talking to her?

157. Yeah.

158. Are you excited when you're around her?

159. Yeah.

160. Does she do drugs?

161. I don't know that one.

162. Can she dance?

163. Yes.

164. Do you think she's good-looking?

165. Yes. Like an old woman

166. was made into a young woman

167. in the best possible way.

168. And she's musical and owns a snowmobile.

169. Owns a snowmo— a snowmobile?

170. A snowmobile.

171. I better go apologize.

172. Okay.

173. Well, take the cookies.

174. - Where? - They're right over there.

175. Oh.

176. Hi, Sarah.

177. This is probably my last chance to say something,

178. so I wanted to say it.

179. What's going on?

180. I'm sorry to be the one to let you know,

181. but all big banks are failing.

182. Panicked investors are withdrawing their money

183. from them and from markets all at one time

184. which, as you know, leads to hyperinflation.

185. With all faith lost in the dollar,

186. people are doing anything they can

187. to get their hands on the yen, euro,

188. or if they are most fortunate, gold.

189. I'm on my way to loot Econo-Foods now,

190. but in case anything happens, I wanted you to have these.

191. Thanks.

192. Come on in.

193. Okay.

194. Where are your glasses, and when did you get married?

195. You can have one if you'd like.

196. I don't need your permission to do shit.

197. Take your coat off.

198. Sarah?

199. I did a lie.

200. The big banks aren't collapsing.

201. They're fine, in fact.

202. Bank of America is good.

203. - Citigroup is good. - Joe, I-I know.

204. I got an alert that lets me know

205. when the markets dip below a certain point.

206. I just wanted to apologize about the show.

207. I lost my perspective.

208. That's okay. Probably should have let you talk about rats

209. for a few more minutes.

210. Can I see your fortified basement?

211. Yeah.

212. Please don't judge me.

213. It's a work in progress.

214. Okay.

215. Wow.

216. It's not bomb-proof, but it's got everything I need.

217. Um, there's my water over there,

218. and there's canned goods

219. and nonperishables.

220. Medical, tools.

221. Generator.

222. What is this?

223. Antibiotics.

224. That's good to have.

225. How about this?

226. It's honey. It lasts indefinitely.

227. I guess that's good to have, too.

228. How about this?

229. That's cinnamon whiskey.

230. That's my favorite. You want some?

231. I probably shouldn't unless —

232. There's a chemical toilet over there.

233. Would you mind if I put my glasses on?

234. Yeah, that's fine.

235. Okay.

236. Wow, look at all those beans.

237. Are you hungry?

238. A little bit.

239. I kind of thought you were a survivalist, too,

240. because you're kind of obsessed with stuff like beans, you know.

241. And that time I asked you what you were passionate about,

242. you said, um, collecting seeds.

243. I just like trying out new things in my garden.

244. Right.

245. Then, last week, at — at Econo-Foods,

246. your cart kind of said the same thing.

247. Also, I thought you were doing a drill

248. when you went for a week without power.

249. Oh. No.

250. Lulu went on a cruise with her crew,

251. so me and Gene unplugged all his phones

252. and pretended to be French-Canadian fur trappers

253. holed up for the winter.

254. We made a bunch of high-nutrient, slow-spoiling,

255. 18th-century recipes like pemmican.

256. When Lulu got back, she was pretty upset,

257. 'cause the whole place smelled like onions

258. and pickling vinegar.

259. I make pemmican, too.

260. - Really? - Mm-hmm.

261. Watch this.

262. Holy cow.

263. Here, you try.

264. I think you'd be good at this.

265. Just kind of loosen your wrist.

266. - Okay. - And kind of just let it —

267. Yeah, don't even worry about aiming. There you go.

268. - Okay. - Yeah.

269. Nice work.

270. - Wow. - You're a natural.

271. Here, try it again.

272. It feels good to throw a knife.

273. It feels very good — Oh, careful.

274. Hey, no big deal.

275. Oh, nice work!

276. You got to put this at the bottom.

277. Where is at the bottom?

278. - Oh, that's the bag? - Yeah, this is the bag.

279. Okay, and then you're gonna hold —

280. There we go.

281. What is this tape called?

282. That's brown tape.

283. - That's white tape. - Oh, okay.

284. You gotta start drinking a little bit more.

285. Okay, in the meantime, you can have peanut butter

286. - if you want an hors d'oeuvre. - Sure.

287. - Here you go. - Put it on a cracker?

288. Sure, that's exactly right.

289. No, no, that's a throwing knife.

290. You got peanut butter on my throwing knife.

291. - Why is it — - No, don't lick it off.

292. I'm serious. Don't lick it off. Don't lick it off.

293. Don't lick it off. I'm serious, Joe.

294. Joe, I don't want to apprehend you, but you can't lick it off.

295. What would you say the estimated value of these would be?

296. - Million bucks. - You know what?

297. I did read somewhere.

298. Insulin will cost a fortune some day.

299. Oh, yeah, insulin's right over there.

300. - This is all insulin? - Mm-hmm.

301. Oh, those are sterilized. Those are sterilized.

302. So those stay closed.

303. Wow.

304. You must have four or five years worth of calories down here.

305. Yeah, well, that's the point.

306. Fire's right there. Do you see it?

307. - Yeah. - Okay.

308. - That's not — What — - Try it, try it, try.

309. - No, I — - The fire's right there.

310. Go down, go down.

311. Get up, get up, get up, get up.

312. Hey, do you think that if you heard a trumpet

313. and a French horn, do you think you'd know which was which?

314. - Yes. - Really?

315. - Uh-huh. - Me, too.

316. Want to see me do some push-ups with some rice on top of me?

317. This just looks like normal pasta.

318. Just pasta coming out of the bag.

319. Oh, wow. - Mm-hmm.

320. So, each one of these

321. holds about 30 days of food.

322. So if you do the math, I'm prepared for about

323. 21/2 years down here.

324. Wow.

325. It's not bad. It's not bad food.

326. No, it's actually excellent.

327. Mm-hmm.

328. How's the chicken chunks?

329. - Amazing. - Right?

330. If they were more budget-friendly,

331. I'd eat them all the time.

332. - Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.

333. H-How do you have this, but you're also a teacher?

334. It's like you believe in the future,

335. but you're also afraid of it.

336. No, I'm not afraid of it because I have this basement.

337. And natural disasters aside,

338. don't you think people are capable

339. of doing terrible things?

340. Yeah.

341. Yeah.

342. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

343. Believe it or not, so are our students,

344. but...

345. uh, this is just a little extreme.

346. What's in the suitcase?

347. Sheet music.

348. That's what you packed to fake survive?

349. Yep.

350. It helps me sleep at night.

351. Like this one, for instance.

352. That's really funny.

353. Right?

354. Oh.

355. Oh, "Honey Boy."

356. Yep, the sensational march song success.

357. You didn't have to tell me that. I already knew.

358. What's that one?

359. Oh. When you told me

360. I don't think enough about the big picture,

361. I wrote a theoretical position of human history

362. for the next 5 million years.

363. Okay. Okay, what about that one?

364. Oh, this one?

365. Mm-hmm.

366. This is a piece from 1934

367. called "I Can Whistle With That,"

368. that teaches people

369. how to whistle with natural objects.

370. Ooh, go on.

371. Well, the other day, I asked my students,

372. "Who here knows how to whistle with a piece of grass?"

373. Not one of them raised their hand.

374. - No. - Uh-huh.

375. So I figured, maybe we'll sing it on the next concert.

376. How's it go?

377. I-I don't know. I can't —

378. Sing it.

379. Come on, sing it. Sing it.

380. You don't have a piece of grass down here, do you?

381. No. Oh, wait. Hold on, hold on.

382. 'Cause you're supposed to have a piece of grass,

383. and I'll cue the group of students that has it,

384. and they'll put it between their thumbs like this

385. and blow — "Toot. Toot, toot."

386. Okay.

387. Okay, how about this? It's like...

388. - Perfect. Okay.

389. Uh, verse two is, uh,

390. You don't have an acorn down here?

391. Verse three.

392. Snowmobiles.

393. Snowmobiles.

394. I think I'm finally starting to understand them.