Joe Pera Talks With You 1x7

Directed by Marty Schousboe

In which Joe Pera attempts to present a spirited New Year's Eve celebration to viewers as well as his neighbor's five-year-old daughter, whom he is babysitting.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Nana is in bed, Gus is in bed,

2. and Kelsey suggested that I also go to bed

3. because I screwed up dinner so badly.

4. Can you get the water for me?

5. Can you get some water to put on the pizza, please?

6. I don't know where water is.

7. Hello. I'm Joe Pera.

8. And the Melskys are at a party,

9. so I'm here babysitting their daughter, Kelsey.

10. At age 5, this might be the first New Year's she remembers,

11. and since she can't drive,

12. her good time is my responsibility.

13. You found it.

14. Do you want to play Find the Log again?

15. Um, no.

16. Who's your favorite Muppet?

17. Mine's Kermit. I like how he sings and dances

18. and keeps the group together.

19. How come you're not out with the other grown-ups?

20. Uh, 'cause the best New Year's Eve party

21. is right here.

22. - You okay? - Can I have a sip of your beer?

23. I don't know how we're back to this, but I can't.

24. Believe me, I wanted to,

25. but you cannot give kids beer.

26. It makes them wild.

27. Oh.

28. Sorry.

29. I'm being rude.

30. I did a text to Sarah earlier that said,

31. "Happy New Year. Hyphen Joe."

32. And I'm waiting to hear back.

33. Usually, I'm a phone-call guy, but I figured she's out tonight

34. at some fancy party downtown.

35. Everybody's probably doing a cool new dance move...

36. and drinking fancy cocktails

37. like "Disarooney" on the rocks.

38. But it was Gene and Lulu who texted.

39. They say...

40. "Happy New Year, Joe.

41. We're wearing blue underwear."

42. Ha.

43. Seems like TMI,

44. but in several Latin American countries,

45. they believe that the color of your underwear

46. on New Year's determines what the new year will bring.

47. Blue underwear brings you good health,

48. yellow prosperity.

49. Red brings romance,

50. and white brings peace and harmony.

51. I just wonder what color underwear I need to wear

52. to get my New Year's wish —

53. a commercial deli slicer,

54. so that I can slice my own cold cuts

55. just the way I like them,

56. nice and thick.

57. Hey, Kelsey. You want to play Monopoly —

58. Law Enforcement Edition?

59. Uh, no.

60. Yay! Fireworks!

61. Oh, I don't know, Kelsey Melsky.

62. If your parents found out, they'd be pretty mad at me.

63. You know what?

64. It's New Year's Eve.

65. - Screw it. - Yeah!

66. Screw it! Screw it! Screw it!

67. - Screw it! - Screw it! Screw it!

68. Screw it! Screw it!

69. Ready, Kelsey?

70. Three, two, one.

71. Hey, it's 9:00 p.m.

72. - Nice.

73. Nice.

74. Nice.

75. This reminds me of something I've been wondering about.

76. How come people don't cheer after every firework?

77. Fireworks are amazing,

78. but I've noticed that people will cheer

79. for the first two or three of them

80. but then, by the fourth or fifth firework,

81. go quiet and blank as if they were staring out a train window

82. while on their way to visit Gigi and Pappa.

83. And I consider,

84. "Why does this happen?

85. What are they thinking about?

86. Who's Keyser Soze?"

87. And I think I can explain it with my theory titled

88. "Pera's Four Stages of Watching Fireworks."

89. Stage one — "Wow,"

90. I named it this because that is what people say

91. when the first firework goes up.

92. One guy might even say, "Hell, yeah."

93. But gradually, viewers will slide into stage two,

94. "Thinking About Fireworks."

95. Fireworks are hypnotic,

96. just like their brother-in-law, regular fire.

97. You stare at fireworks and think about them

98. and the previous times you've seen them.

99. And once this nostalgia sets in,

100. it's only a matter of time until you drift into stage three,

101. "Thinking about Ex-Girlfriends."

102. I wonder where Allison and Julie and Rosalita

103. are watching the fireworks this 4th of July.

104. I hope they're well, kind of.

105. - No. I hope they're well. - ... for me. Goodbye, Joe.

106. And just as you promised yourself,

107. you'll give them a call to see how they're doing.

108. Boom. Stage four.

109. Snapping you out of your reveries

110. is the big grand finale.

111. What was I thinking about?

112. I forgot, but wow.

113. The town really outdid itself this year.

114. I feel like I'm watching every dollar I paid in property tax

115. explode in my face.

116. "Stop complaining, honey.

117. Let's get the stroller to the car.

118. Our toddler, Albert, is pooped."

119. Sure, my wife.

120. Sorry I let him drink a whole pop before nap time.

121. Oh, hey, it's Bill and Janet.

122. Hi, Bill.

123. Hi, Janet.

124. Whose house are we going to for coffee?

125. "How about ours, Joe? We've got the Keurig

126. and a blueberry pie we've been trying to get rid of."

127. Nobody wants it, so you're trying to get rid of it on us?

128. "Just an expression, Joe."

129. Okay, then.

130. So, Bill, what did you think of the fireworks display?

131. "You know, it seems weird,

132. but I found myself thinking about Diane,

133. the sweet girl I dated when I was 17.

134. The 4th of July in 2005 was the last night we spent together.

135. The next day, she moved to Alaska.

136. Oh, you don't have to be jealous, sweetheart.

137. I found out later that she was eaten

138. by a zodiac bear.

139. Joe, your turn."

140. You want me to be honest?

141. I was thinking about Sarah,

142. 'cause she's the woman for me.

143. "You're so full of shit, Joe."

144. Sorry. When we get home tonight,

145. we can make love with your pleasure in mind.

146. "You're such an ass.

147. I can't say no."

148. Oh, uh, Kelsey, uh, go to bed.

149. - Go to bed. - Aah!

150. You fake asleep?

151. - You have fun? - Yeah!

152. - Joe, where the hell are you? - Shh!

153. Joe, what are you doing?

154. Kelsey's fake asleep.

155. Yeah, so is your neighbor.

156. Look at this.

157. Oh, what do we have here?

158. Text from "Sarah Teacher."

159. Ooh, should we read it?

160. "Dear Joe, you make me so horny.

161. I am in the woods. Come find me.No. I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm awake.

162. - I'm rubbing —" - I'm — I'm okay.

163. I'm awake. I'm awake.

164. "To you, too, Joe. Snowmobile with me Saturday?"

165. Sorry, Joe. We've had a couple glasses

166. - of "Dissarooney" on the rocks. - Yeah, but then they ran out.

167. Can you believe those jag-offs threw a New Year's Eve party

168. with just one bottle of "Disarooney"?

169. - I mean — - "Screw it.

170. I'm in."

171. Wait a minute.

172. Did you just seriously send that?

173. - Yeah. - Oh, my God.

174. What are you, a complete idiot?

175. Don't you know how to be a player?

176. You got to stay nasty. Come on.

177. You got to take a picture of your pee-pee,

178. send it to the girl over there.

179. You know what, Mike?

180. New year, new rules.

181. You bust my chops, I bust your lip.

182. Sorry.

183. I don't know where that came from.

184. It was just a nice moment for me,

185. and you kind of ruined it.

186. Please leave so I can have sex with my husband.

187. Okay.