Joe Pera Talks With You 1x5

Directed by Marty Schousboe

In which Joe Pera attempts to talk viewers back to sleep on a rainy night.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Although I'm up at 2:00 a.m. on a school night,

2. I was glad to be woken by the night thunder,

3. because, to me, watching snow and rain

4. is a special event.

5. My favorite part of this past year's Super Bowl was when,

6. with 7:35 left in the third quarter,

7. I looked outside my window

8. and see the gently falling snow.

9. And as it landed on the quiet, empty street,

10. I said to myself,

11. "Touchdown."

12. Hello. My name is Joe Pera,

13. and did the thunder wake you, too,

14. or was it something else?

15. Perhaps you're nervous about starting something new,

16. a new job, a new baby,

17. a new pair of dress shoes you're stressed about breaking in.

18. Maybe you're waiting for the cast list to go up,

19. or perhaps your debut album is coming out tomorrow,

20. and you're worried that people will say

21. you're ripping off Bruce Springsteen.

22. Well, you're nothing like Bruce Springsteen.

23. You're not from New Jersey.

24. You're from Delaware.

25. You make dubstep.

26. Your hair's been thinning for years.

27. You're 5'1" tall.

28. You have no teeth.

29. You're all gums.

30. Your microphone is just an old vacuum cleaner.

31. You perform on your hands and knees,

32. and you sing about Fashion Week.

33. I don't know.

34. Sorry.

35. I could go for some wafers and milk,

36. but it would be a shame to get up

37. and miss a good lightning.

38. Rain rapping on windows has got to be

39. the number four most soothing sound.

40. Milk being poured into a glass is close behind.

41. Whole milk is especially soothing,

42. but then again,

43. most liquid pours are.

44. Watching liquids flow from a large container

45. to a small container is a delight.

46. Don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee.

47. Just kidding.

48. I'm happy to talk anytime.

49. It's Ladies' Night.

50. This one's for the guys.

51. This is Clinton Moy.

52. He pours professionally for commercials and television.

53. -Hi, Joe. -Hey, Clinton.

54. Do you ever have trouble sleeping?

55. -No. -Oh.

56. Will you share your secret with us?

57. How do you stay so relaxed?

58. Dominoes.

59. I don't like this.

60. I'm sorry, and please don't tell Clinton,

61. but I don't like dominoes.

62. Exhilarating as it is to set them up,

63. once they are falling,

64. you're watching potential disappear before your eyes.

65. No matter how hard you wish, the last domino is not getting up.

66. Sorry to get down on dominoes, but it's one of my core beliefs

67. that you shouldn't waste kinetic energy.

68. Here. If you're still awake,

69. I've got something special to show you.

70. This is my sheet music collection.

71. Before 1920, when radios were still uncommon,

72. you purchased paper versions of the latest tunes

73. for your home piano.

74. It's hardly the way the music industry works today,

75. but there's something about the old paper smell

76. that helps me relax.

77. The cover art is great, too.

78. I love this piece, because the composer

79. looks like a little hamburger boy.

80. Sorry to tease.

81. Sometimes, a song perfectly articulates a question

82. that's been on your mind your whole life.

83. Imagine not having a radio and depending on your father

84. to interpret all popular music for you.

85. You tried to make me go back to rehab

86. And I say, whoa, whoa, hey, yeah

87. Okay, hey, there

88. I will go to a rehab

89. Okay, there

90. You might think this if you saw my school photos...

91. ...but it's just me.

92. I can't keep my eyes open, no matter how hard I try.

93. And this year, I tried.

94. Three, two, one.

95. Sorry.

96. Can we please do one more?

97. Okay. All right.

98. Three, two, one.

99. -Did we get it? -Great.

100. We got it.

101. -Okay. -Okay. Come on, hon.

102. Sit right up there.

103. You're a star. Okay.

104. Three, two, one.

105. It's okay.

106. I'm not too worried about my photographic legacy.

107. In fact, I hope I'm not remembered at all

108. and that, one day, I can just disappear.

109. Oh. Are those French horns?

110. One of the nicest parts about teaching music

111. is that you can literally hear the students learning.

112. And when that happens, it takes your breath away.

113. Gus has got a built-in sleep mask.

114. Sorry, bud.

115. But you don't have to be a music teacher

116. to have your breath taken away.

117. There's a lot of nice stuff that can do that,

118. like a really good lightning...

119. ...great water pressure...

120. ...when you almost die,

121. but then you survive...

122. ...the flavor of a pineapple...

123. ...when the hotel hot tub isn't filled with teenagers,

124. so that you can relax your neck muscles

125. after a long day of looking up at the air show.

126. The Blue Angels were extraordinary

127. in their F/A-18 Super Hornets,

128. but these jets are even better.

129. Also, you don't travel much,

130. so staying at the hotel is an exciting thing.

131. When you go back to your room, you can watch a movie

132. that's not even out on DVD yet.

133. DVDs, will they even exist in two years?

134. Hard to tell, but the fact is that,

135. at some point, most stuff becomes obsolete.

136. Textile mills were once powered by water wheels.

137. Now they are powered by a hydroelectric dam,

138. but it's good, 'cause there's more cloth now

139. than there ever was.

140. Just think.

141. There are 95 million metric tons of textile fibers

142. now produced around the world annually.

143. That should take your breath away.

144. Also,

145. when the ceiling at your favorite bar

146. is a football field.

147. Or when you open a box and your grief counselor is inside...

148. ...or the size and depth of Lake Superior...

149. ...or the moments it feels like your students do like you,

150. 'cause they take the time to explain a new slang.

151. And when you've caught your breath, I hope you'll doze off,

152. and that tomorrow, your crush becomes your bae.

153. Good night.