James Acaster: Repertoire 1x4

1. I mean, you want to be as productive as you can be on any given day,

2. obviously anyone does,

3. but it's hard not to beat yourself up, you know?

4. A lot of the time...

5. Too much of the time you give yourself a hard time when you shouldn't do.

6. I've got stuff done today, it's been all right,

7. but on balance, not as productive as I would've liked. Um...

8. Like, right, it's had highlights.

9. There's been highlights,

10. like I got one of those telesales phone calls today.

11. You know, those ones when they say,

12. "This call may be recorded for training purposes."

13. And, uh, I don't want to count my chickens,

14. but it went really well, so...

15. I think they're gonna use it.

16. I mean, who knows what happens next?

17. This time next week, I could be a telesales celebrity.

18. Have a bunch of people who work in telesales

19. who think my phone call is the best.

20. Maybe one of them recognizes my voice in the street and stops me, like,

21. "I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you, but... are you exercise 17?

22. I'm a huge fan. Sign my neck."

23. I'll be like, "Look, mate, now's not a very convenient time."

24. He'll be like, "Oh, that's exactly what you said in your phone call.

25. - I told you he'd do his catchphrase."

26. You've got to stand out if you want to be used in telesales training.

27. You got to do something original,

28. but also something that makes their job just that little bit harder.

29. Just enough that they go...

30. "Yeah.

31. We need to train for this."

32. Like, what I did, when I picked up the phone, I didn't even say hello.

33. I just instantly launched into a monologue of my own choosing.

34. As soon as I picked the phone up,

35. they got to hit the ground running and throw the script out the window now.

36. I picked up the phone, I was like,

37. "Are you aware that curly fries first came out over 20 years ago?

38. We've had curly fries for more than 20 years.

39. It doesn't feel like it, does it? Curly fries still feel brand-new.

40. I think I speak for us all when I say

41. the novelty has not worn off with curly fries.

42. Curly fries feel so new,

43. I think it's pretty rich that we refer to new potatoes

44. - as new potatoes, to be honest.

45. Curly fries should be called new potatoes,

46. or permed waffles, I'll accept permed waffles.

47. I won't be happy about it though."

48. I didn't even know that was telesales.

49. That's just how I answer the phone these days, it's just what I do.

50. Every time I answer the phone, just straight in there.

51. "Are you aware that if you have Botox,

52. and on the night you've had Botox, you fall asleep on the side of your face,

53. you'll wake up the next morning,

54. and your eyebrow will have slid from here round to here?

55. That means, if you sleep evenly on both sides of your face,

56. you'll wake up the next morning and look like your eyes are in brackets.

57. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

58. I'm through with pleasantries. I don't say hello anymore,

59. even at my stand-up comedy gigs I don't bother.

60. I just come straight out the wings, monologuing every single time.

61. I don't even bother with pleasantries anymore. I don't do it.

62. Did a gig the other night, I stormed right out,

63. just looked the audience straight in the eye.

64. I was like, "Have you ever stopped to wonder

65. why your lip skin is different to the rest of your skin?

66. You haven't, but now I've brought it up,

67. not a day will go by when you don't look in the mirror

68. and go, 'That is weird, actually, that is weird.

69. Why is that different to everything else?'"

70. I look at it every morning, it baffles me.

71. Look in the morning— Imagine if your whole body was lip skin.

72. I thought that the other day.

73. As a 32-year-old man, I thought that in my head,

74. "Imagine if your whole body was lip skin."

75. It'd take you hours to get ready in the morning,

76. 'cause you'd be stood in your bedroom with a ChapStick.

77. That's if you were the only one made of lip skin, obviously.

78. If the whole human race was just covered in lip skin,

79. then there'd be a standard, like, giant ChapStick in your living room,

80. from floor to ceiling,

81. that rotated at the speed of a kebab spit, you know.

82. And the whole family would line up at it like cats on a scratching post.

83. Then we'd all leave and walk into a world where no one can shake hands

84. for fear of becoming aroused.

85. Today's not been that productive. Yesterday was great.

86. Yesterday, I finally finished my bread research.

87. Whoo-hoo.

88. It's been a whole year doing that bread research,

89. and now I know all there is to know about bread,

90. from stuffed-crust pizza

91. to foci— Foci— Foccia bread.

92. To those nibbles that look like little fish.

93. I know everything.

94. I...

95. I thought I'd start the show by sharing my findings with you,

96. because knowledge shared is knowledge halved.

97. So here it is, the bread research.

98. There's no such thing as prawn bread...

99. so the origin of prawn toast remains a mystery.

100. You know those seeds on top of a bread roll?

101. They're not for flavor.

102. They're for grip.

103. When's the last time you dropped a bread roll?

104. Exactly. So don't...

105. The hardest thing about owning a bread bin

106. is remembering to put it out on a Tuesday.

107. I did a tally chart.

108. Tally chart there.

109. Got "can't get enough" this side,

110. and "nonplussed" over here.

111. This is a tally chart to show ducks' opinions on bread.

112. Very popular column, "can't get enough."

113. To be fair, that one duck was way up itself.

114. Couldn't wait to get away.

115. I loved doing that tally chart.

116. It was the most fun bit of the bread research actually.

117. They're exciting, aren't they, tally charts?

118. I mean, sure, one, two, three and four is pretty boring, but, uh, oh-oh...

119. we all know it's about to get better, right?

120. Number five's on its way, you get to do the diagonal line.

121. It's like a lightning bolt of heroin straight through your spine.

122. Don't worry if you didn't get that.

123. Next week I've got a gig in a prison that's gonna tear the roof off.

124. I do a lot of prison gigs.

125. Thirteen out of 12 people

126. don't know what a baker's dozen is.

127. Uh, now, I'm sure you're all aware of the rumors

128. that the smell of freshly-baked bread will help sell your house.

129. I discovered the freshly-baked smell of some breads

130. will actually drive people away.

131. These breads are as follows:

132. wheat, Italian, hearty Italian,

133. Italian herbs and cheese and honey oat.

134. If you don't understand that one, you live a better life than I do.

135. - Congrat—

136. You should be proud of yourself, if anything.

137. I hope you never understand that joke.

138. Did a name-change poll.

139. It's been called bread for ages.

140. My whole life, I think, it's called bread, my whole life.

141. I thought, "Rebrand it, call it something different, you know, change it up."

142. Most people didn't agree with me.

143. Most people are just like, "Keep it as bread, mate.

144. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Keep it as bread."

145. Very few people went with the other option, uh:

146. "body of Christ."

147. Why not make it official?

148. I'm aware that some people might not be enjoying this section.

149. There's a few people in the audience who might have wheat allergies,

150. and are finding this whole thing a little bit uncomfortable.

151. It's reminding them of nasty, nasty memories.

152. I don't want anyone to feel alienated at the show,

153. so I have done some gluten-free bread research as well,

154. for all you gluties,

155. and I'm gonna share those findings with you right now.

156. The gluten-free bread research.

157. There's no such thing as gluten-free prawn bread.

158. You know those seeds on top of a gluten-free bread roll?

159. They're the best bit.

160. A gluten-free bread bin is often full to overflowing.

161. Twelve out of 13 bakers

162. couldn't care less about your wheat allergy.

163. The smell of freshly-baked gluten-free bread

164. will help sell real bread.

165. Gluten-free croutons are called glutons.

166. And finally, I did a name-change poll.

167. Most people went with "body of the gluten-free Christ."

168. I'm not just obsessed with bread.

169. Uh, I don't want you to think I'm weird. I also like...

170. My favorite day of the year is Pancake Day.

171. Shrove Tuesday to the layman.

172. I actually didn't know what shrove meant. I did some research on it.

173. Found out that shrove is the past tense for the English verb "to shrive."

174. I'll give you an example.

175. Um...

176. "Hey, man.

177. Wanna shrive?"

178. "No way.

179. I just shrove."

180. My favorite part of Pancake Day is the pancake flip.

181. Dramatic as all hell. I love it.

182. Even when it goes wrong, I love it.

183. The pancake panics in midair,

184. falls back in the pan a mess.

185. At the point, the person who's done it, "the flipper,"

186. always has to say the same thing. They always turn to everyone and go,

187. "Don't worry. Don't worry.

188. I'll eat that one."

189. This truly is a Christian festival.

190. Carry that cross, brother.

191. I hate when you forget Pancake Day, don't you?

192. It's the worst.

193. It's the worst. You wake up the next morning, walk downstairs,

194. open the front door, someone walks past,

195. "Hey, James. Happy Ash Wednesday." "Fuck!

196. Shit!

197. Fuck! Stupid!"

198. I hate Ash Wednesday. With all my heart, I hate it.

199. Now I can't eat that many pancakes without feeling judged by everyone.

200. Although this year, I found a way around that.

201. I forgot Pancake Day, like a ninny,

202. but then...

203. in the summer, I went to a music festival,

204. they had a crepe stand there.

205. You guys know what crepes are, right?

206. - Undercover pancakes.

207. Like, "Yes, I found a loophole. In your face, Christians.

208. I'm about to do some out-of-season shriving.

209. Nothing you can do about it."

210. Got myself a Nutella crepe.

211. They gave it to me on a paper plate

212. with, like, a wooden fork to eat it with,

213. with smooth, rounded-off prongs.

214. I don't know if you've ever tried to penetrate a pancake with one of these.

215. It's impossible.

216. Every time I was pushing against the crepe,

217. the paper plate would bend with the force,

218. it wasn't giving me a solid surface to work on.

219. As I'm there struggling,

220. I looked over at the lady who had sold it to me,

221. she was looking back at me as if to say,

222. "Did you really think it was gonna be that easy?"

223. Touché, Christians.

224. Touché.

225. Hit the town last night, celebrating the bread research being over.

226. My friend Lewis was running a bit late,

227. so one of my friends was like, "Oh, where's Lewis?"

228. And for a joke, I went, "I don't know. He's probably dead."

229. I'm a professional comedian. That's the joke I made.

230. "Probably dead."

231. Don't know if you've ever made that sort of joke.

232. As soon as you make that sort of joke,

233. the first thing you think is, "Well... hope that hasn't happened.

234. I'm gonna feel horrendous.

235. Now I can't relax until Lewis arrives."

236. Imagine all sorts of awful things,

237. like opening the newspaper the next morning, reading an article,

238. "Lewis, 27, was found dead in a ditch this morning.

239. Family and friends describe him as a loving and caring individual

240. who brought light into the lives of everyone he met.

241. Lewis was on his way to the pub,

242. where comedian James Acaster

243. had already started to make light of the tragedy.

244. In a statement released this morning, Acaster said,

245. 'I had no idea Lewis was actually dead.

246. I just thought it'd be pretty funny if he was.'"

247. I referred to myself as "comedian James Acaster" there.

248. I haven't always been "comedian James Acaster."

249. In fact, there was a time in my life

250. where I was a lollipop man and had a completely different name.

251. It's that part of my life I'd like to talk to you about tonight.

252. Now, I wanted to be, originally, an ice cream man.

253. That was my first choice.

254. I was gonna make so much money doing it as well. I'll tell you how.

255. Gonna be the first ice cream man who offers free refills.

256. Get the cone, fill it up with ice cream, give it to you.

257. Bring the cone back...

258. get a free refill, mate.

259. A lot of people have said to me, "James, that's an awful business plan.

260. You're gonna lose a lot of money doing that."

261. That's 'cause they're thinking of free refills

262. in terms of places like Nando's, which has a fixed location.

263. I'm in a van.

264. They've got to catch me first.

265. Give them the cone, I'll speed off, zigzagging in and out of traffic.

266. They've got to search the whole country looking for me,

267. all the time resisting the temptation to eat their own cone.

268. It's cruel, but I'm an entrepreneur, you can't deny it.

269. So I became a lollipop man.

270. Had some good friends lollipopping as well.

271. One of my best mates was a guy called Daryl.

272. Uh, he actually used to be called Shaun,

273. but he had to change his name for reasons

274. that I don't even need to go into with you guys.

275. You don't need to know about why he needed to change his name to Daryl.

276. Everyone in lollipopping has to change their name actually.

277. Uh...

278. Shaun became Daryl.

279. Uh, Mary became Ruth. Um—

280. Uh, James Acaster became Pat Springleaf.

281. - There's a lot of different names,

282. a lot of name changes.

283. My friend Jack became Brian, but we didn't even call him that.

284. He had a nickname given to him once. He was out lollipopping,

285. and these kids were crossing the road. There was one kid—

286. You know how some kids are a bit too confident for their own good?

287. He was like seven years old.

288. As he's walking past Brian, he just looked up at him and goes...

289. "Thanks very much...

290. you little bitch."

291. As a seven-year-old, I don't know where he's learnt that.

292. Brian goes, "What did you call me?"

293. The kid goes, "Little BIT... S."

294. So Little Bits is one of my best mates.

295. Me and Little Bits,

296. Daryl, the whole gang, lollipopping in Loughborough.

297. I moved to Loughborough from Kettering.

298. Kettering is where I'm from. It's spelt "Kettering,"

299. but it's pronounced "Ket-ring," that's very important.

300. We miss out half the letters, that's how it's pronounced.

301. Ket-ring. Makes it very confusing when we go to football games,

302. 'cause the main chant we like to do at football games goes:

303. You got opposition's fans looking at us like...

304. "Did they just spell out one word...

305. then say a different word?"

306. "Yeah, we did. This is football.

307. We spelt out "Kettering," we said "Ket-ring.

308. You don't know who you're playing against.

309. Good luck taking that free kick with a head full of screaming doubts."

310. It's a good song, man.

311. I actually wrote my own version of that song,

312. that's how much I love it.

313. It's actually the same as the original,

314. but you sing it over and over again on a loop,

315. and each time you go round, you miss out an extra letter.

316. It's like "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

317. That's the level of intellect I was operating on when I wrote this.

318. I'd like to perform it for you all tonight.

319. You look like you'd appreciate it the most, mate,

320. so I'm gonna aim it entirely at you.

321. What's your name?

322. - Tiang. - Tiang.

323. Yeah. - This is for Tiang.

324. James Acaster remix, "Kettering Town FC" song.

325. - Ready? Yes.

326. Why's that funny? That's not funny.

327. Counting myself in.

328. It is quite funny actually.

329. Sometimes the audience sees things that I don't.

330. I've got to admit that it's funny.

331. This is "Kettering Town FC" song, Acaster remix for Tiang.

332. Yeah, we're doing "town" as well, unlucky Tiang.

333. - That's my song. I wrote that song.

334. Yeah, applause deserved.

335. Applause deserved. I wrote that song myself.

336. What a track.

337. Lollipopping is actually not as fun as it looks.

338. I was right out in the sticks on the edge of Loughborough...

339. next to a field.

340. The most exciting day was one day

341. all the cows in the field were lying down,

342. apart from one cow, which was standing up.

343. And later on that day... it did rain.

344. I bet they never let her forget it.

345. Hopefully you all know the thing about the cows.

346. I should have checked that, actually, before I do that.

347. If you don't, I'll bring you up to speed.

348. Um, there is a rumor going around...

349. that cows can predict the weather.

350. If it's gonna be sunny, they stand up, if it's gonna rain, they lie down.

351. Beyond those two types of weather,

352. cows appear to have very little idea what's going on.

353. Doesn't mean they can't predict other types of weather,

354. it's just that if you are a cow,

355. there's limited ways you can express yourself.

356. You got two settings if you're a cow:

357. you're standing up, or you're lying down.

358. You can't throw a lot of shapes.

359. If it's gonna hail, a handstand is out of the question.

360. And it's only British cows that can do this.

361. Pretty cool, isn't it?

362. Anywhere else in the world, the cows couldn't do it.

363. I was telling my friend Peter, he's a lollipop man from Denmark,

364. I was telling him...

365. God knows what he did to end up in Loughborough, but it must've been bad.

366. I told Peter about the cows in this country.

367. He said it was stupid, laughed in my face.

368. He went, "In Denmark, we believe cows can let us know

369. what way the wind's blowing.

370. If a cow's facing this way,

371. then the wind is also blowing this way."

372. Fair enough, Peter.

373. Maybe it is pretty stupid of us British

374. to look to cows to let us know what's happening in the future.

375. But I would argue it's a little bit more stupid

376. to look to cows to let you know what's happening... in the present.

377. You know how the rest of us know what way the wind's blowing?

378. - By what way the wind's blowing.

379. If a cow gets there before you, you got bigger problems, mate.

380. Although with that new information on board,

381. it is possible that all I saw that day was a field full of British cows

382. plus one Danish cow on a foreign-exchange trip...

383. just letting everyone know what way the wind was blowing.

384. Which means that somewhere in Denmark

385. is a field full of Danish cows facing this way,

386. plus one British cow facing that way,

387. confusing the Danish while they try to fly their kites.

388. Throwing the kites in the air,

389. only to have them smash back in their stupid Danish faces.

390. It'd sting double hard that day,

391. as they're all sunburnt due to a heatwave no one saw coming.

392. The dream, obviously the dream, is to get a field

393. and fill it with half British cows, half Danish cows.

394. Enough time and money, I'd do it.

395. Half British cows, half Danish cows.

396. I'd tell all the British cows,

397. "Stand behind the Danish cows at all times.

398. Always stand behind them."

399. 'Cause the Danish cows,

400. they'd want to turn round and look at the British cows,

401. see what they're doing,

402. get a heads-up on what the weather's gonna be like later.

403. They'd be incapable of turning round and doing so

404. due to the most stupid, self-imposed Danish rules.

405. Always facing what way the wind's blowing.

406. If they're smart, maybe they'll start walking backwards,

407. thinking, "At some point, maybe we'll overtake the British,

408. get to see what the weather's gonna be like later."

409. But the British cows, they're too smart, man.

410. They'll start walking backwards as well.

411. They got a field full of cows all walking backwards in perfect unison,

412. while drivers go past like,

413. "What's it mean when they're moonwalking? What does that mean?

414. What's that, sleet? It better not be sleet. I hate sleet."

415. I love that we still believe in that kind of stuff.

416. My favorite one, Loch Ness Monster.

417. Still going strong, live the dream.

418. You know, most people who claim to have seen the Loch Ness Monster,

419. they describe it as looking like an upturned boat.

420. If you want to convince me that you saw the Loch Ness Monster,

421. probably best not to describe it

422. as something else commonly found...

423. in a loch.

424. "Hey, guess what I've just seen. Yep, the Loch Ness Monster again.

425. It's got this body that looks like an upturned boat,

426. and its tail that looks like the flailing body of a drowning fisherman.

427. It was magical. It called out my name."

428. Pretty dark that last line, isn't it? He knew him.

429. It's real dark when you realize he knew him.

430. I think my favorite Loch Ness Monster sighting of all time

431. was in the '70s by a couple called Mr. and Mrs. Spicer.

432. They claim they were driving home late at night

433. and they had to stop their car

434. to allow the Loch Ness Monster to cross the road.

435. That's their story. Probably two people carrying an upturned boat.

436. We'll never know.

437. Now, I love that story for two reasons. Number one:

438. crossing-the-road story, lollipop man at heart, yes, please.

439. Everyone got across the road safely. I love it.

440. Number two: I know they've made that up.

441. They've definitely made that up between them.

442. That easily makes them my favorite couple that have ever existed.

443. There's a lot of couples in tonight. I'm sure you're very much in love.

444. But in my opinion, you're never fully in love

445. until one of you can turn to the other one and go...

446. "Do you want to do a Loch Ness Monster hoax?"

447. "I was about to ask you the same thing.

448. What do you want to go with, upturned boat.?"

449. "Screw that, crossing the road."

450. - "I love you."

451. "I love you, too."

452. "I love you so much."

453. "Do you want to go and do it right now?

454. Or do you want to wait until we've finished these crop circles?"

455. That was about love.

456. I fell in love once.

457. Back when I was a lollipop man, I fell in love.

458. I fell in love. I met her at a surprise party...

459. for Little Bits.

460. Little Bits had just been promoted.

461. A lot of you will be aware of this,

462. but it goes lollipop man, community support officer.

463. And...

464. he'd put the hours in, he'd been promoted, good on him,

465. and we were all at his house ready to surprise him.

466. Had the lights out, we were all hiding.

467. Our high-vis was giving us away, but we'd come from work, it wasn't...

468. What do you want from us?

469. His girlfriend turned to everyone, she went,

470. "Right, Little Bits is gonna be here in a minute.

471. When he gets in, I'm gonna turn the light on,

472. everyone jump out, yell 'surprise,'

473. and that will be really surprising."

474. I argued it'd be a lot more surprising

475. if instead of making all that commotion,

476. we all just stood there in his living room in the dark, just...

477. When he comes in and turns the lights on, see how surprised he is then.

478. He'll brick it.

479. It was a great party though,

480. apart from all the community support officers that were there.

481. But all the rest of it was real cool.

482. Man, community support officers are awful.

483. I was chatting to this one community support officer,

484. he was the worst. The worst.

485. I do not say that lightly, by the way.

486. There's over seven billion people in the world,

487. he's my best guess for the worst, this guy.

488. I mean, someone's the worst. You forget that, don't you?

489. Somebody is the worst person in the world.

490. Someone is.

491. Someone is the worst person in the world, and they don't even know it.

492. Someone is. Someone's the worst person in the whole world,

493. and we have no way of knowing who it is.

494. I mean, it's definitely a man, no one's arguing that.

495. But, like, besides that, we've got precious little to go on.

496. No way it's not a man, fellas. Are you shitting me?

497. Do you have any idea how hard a woman would have to work to become the worst?

498. It takes so much time and effort and dedication,

499. it'd be so impressive,

500. she'd end up becoming the best.

501. That's how... good it would be if a woman managed to become the worst.

502. Women are just better than men.

503. It's why you hear nicer things about women.

504. You hear stuff like "you should help an old lady cross the road."

505. That's a classic nice thing to do. It's the example of a nice thing to do,

506. my whole life.

507. It's never "help an old man across the road," no.

508. 'Cause the older men get, the more dastardly deeds they've done.

509. They don't deserve it, quite frankly.

510. If an old man came up to me and was like,

511. "Can you help me cross the road, please?"

512. I'd be like, "What you got planned on the other side, you piece of work?

513. I think you've crossed enough roads for one lifetime, pal.

514. Stay in your house.

515. Stay in your house forever.

516. No one help this man cross the road. He just asked me."

517. And yeah, I did that as a lollipop man.

518. This guy was the worst.

519. He kept on telling me stories about community support,

520. and every single one of them would start with a similar version of this.

521. He'd always go, "I was doing my community support, right,

522. out community supporting,

523. and I saw these Chinese guys..."

524. And as soon as he says "Chinese guys,"

525. I was thinking, "Ugh...

526. I hope that's relevant.

527. Please let it be relevant that they're Chinese."

528. Never is.

529. Never gets halfway through the story

530. and goes, "And then they taught me Mandarin, and it was nice..."

531. - There's never that.

532. Never heartwarming, is it?

533. It's always that they did something wrong.

534. But he just put that little detail in there,

535. doesn't link them together himself,

536. but just leaves them there for you,

537. and goes, "Well, you join the dots."

538. I will.

539. You're a racist man.

540. Found some different dots, and I joined them. Surprise.

541. Never mention people's race in a story if it's not relevant.

542. Not only 'cause of that stuff, but also, listen...

543. I'm a showman.

544. I go around spinning yarns on stage all the time.

545. Don't mention stuff that's not relevant.

546. It distracts people from the narrative of the story.

547. You mention someone's race, they're gonna spend the whole story

548. scanning your story for relevance and not listening to the plot.

549. It's just sloppy storytelling.

550. That's why if I'm ever telling a story,

551. I keep people's race till the end as a twist.

552. I get right to the end of the story, and then I'm like,

553. "And that guy was Bulgarian."

554. If the worst is a man, the best is a woman,

555. I believe I met that woman that night at that party.

556. I was standing there with Daryl.

557. She walked in, I said, "Daryl, you see that woman?

558. I'm gonna marry that woman."

559. Later that night, I'm chatting to her in the study area.

560. I'm flirting. I'm not ashamed of that.

561. I'll admit it, I was flirting.

562. When you're flirting, you've got to play to your strengths obviously.

563. One of my strengths— A lot of you are thinking it.

564. I can tell a lot of you are thinking it.

565. You sir, as soon as I came in, I saw your eyes light up.

566. You noticed it, you clocked it.

567. You've been watching me like a coiled spring

568. with a heckle in your mouth.

569. A heckle right there in your throat,

570. just above your Adam's apple, waiting to leap out.

571. Have you seen this guy?

572. Have you seen him? The whole gig, just sitting there,

573. just ready to shout out, "Oi, I bet you're pretty good at Twister."

574. And I am good at Twister. I'm not having a go at you.

575. - I am good at Twister.

576. But, you know, in the future,

577. have the guts to follow through with your little plan.

578. Nice to have a coward in tonight.

579. We're there, we're flirting away.

580. I look up on the shelves, the board game shelves in the study,

581. I notice it Twister.

582. I'd recognize that box anywhere.

583. The one that says— It says "Twister" on it.

584. Trademark.

585. I was like, "Right, play to your strengths."

586. I was like, "Hey, how about me and you play Twister one-on-one?"

587. It was a great idea. If you want to get fresh with someone,

588. but you're not currently getting fresh with them,

589. and maybe you're not even ready to get fresh with them yet...

590. then Twister is the perfect middle ground,

591. 'cause it is intimate, yet formal.

592. Oh, yeah, your hand's under her butt, but you're only following orders.

593. Only problem with two-player Twister,

594. one of you has to spin and play at the same time.

595. Either that, or one of you spins while the other does a solo round.

596. - Promise me you will never do that.

597. It really drags on.

598. The only way you can lose is to dehydration.

599. She's spinning and playing at the same time, which is great,

600. were it not for the fact that for the first 30 minutes,

601. all the spinner landed on was feet.

602. So for half an hour, just two people...

603. just walking around a Twister mat.

604. Nowhere near each other, just having a slow walk.

605. After half an hour, it landed on hands,

606. but only on my turn, way worse.

607. I'm there cowering in the middle,

608. like a frightened little woodland creature.

609. She's slowly circling me, doing the spinner.

610. I felt vulnerable.

611. Every now and again, she'd give me a playful little push,

612. which is fine in a game of flirty Twister.

613. Obviously in a league game that's a verbal warning.

614. I would not condone it.

615. Eventually, she's like, "This is boring.

616. Let's get rid of this spinner. We'll just make it up as we go along."

617. I was like...

618. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

619. "We get rid of the spinner.

620. When it's your go, I'll shout out, 'Right hand blue,'

621. when it's my go, you can say, 'Left foot yellow,' just make it up."

622. Yeah, just make it up.

623. Probably not there for a reason, the spinner.

624. Just get rid of it. Just sling it.

625. It's an optional little bit.

626. While we're at it— I'll tell you what, while we're at it,

627. let's roll the mat up, throw that out the window,

628. walk round the living room shouting out colors.

629. That'll be fun.

630. Right? The spinner is there to help regulate the speed of the flirting.

631. Some rules are there to protect us actually.

632. Say you're playing flirty Twister,

633. you got right foot green, left foot opposite green.

634. In between your feet, all the other greens are there.

635. If they spin and get right hand green,

636. they've now got to put their hand...

637. in between your legs.

638. And then you both get to go...

639. "Fancy that."

640. Get rid of the spinner, it's just you standing there like,

641. "Put your hand there.

642. Do it, you said you would.

643. Put your hand there, I want you to.

644. We had a deal. Put your hand there.

645. Put your hand there now, that one.

646. The one I'm pointing at."

647. I'm not gonna play that version of the game, in her sweet dreams.

648. I stopped playing Twister immediately.

649. I packed it up, folded the mat from the outside in,

650. in half, half again, back in the box.

651. I put it on the shelf, I turned round,

652. she's laughing at me.

653. 'Cause I looked so grumpy, I guess.

654. You know when you have someone laugh at you,

655. you realize how stupid you look, how stupid you're behaving?

656. I just started laughing as well.

657. And we stayed up all night, laughing and talking.

658. Afterwards, we kept in touch.

659. Six months later...

660. we're married.

661. And that woman was Albanian.

662. Things started to look up after that.

663. My whole life looked up.

664. Got married to a beautiful Albanian woman,

665. then I got promoted to community support officer.

666. Shortly after that, I got promoted again.

667. A lot of you will know this, but it goes lollipop man,

668. community support officer,

669. undercover cop.

670. And when I became an undercover cop...

671. I couldn't wait.

672. A life of adventure at last.

673. And I'm not a very adventurous person.

674. Like, I've only ever used one side of a cheese grater.

675. I have no idea what the other three sides even do.

676. I'm not the only one in this room either.

677. You all know what side I'm talking about, right?

678. Big holes.

679. Got no time for small holes and tiny holes.

680. I don't know if you've ever seen the small holes.

681. They're the roughest side of anything I've ever seen in my life.

682. I'm going nowhere near it, rows of tiny little spikes.

683. The only time I'm gonna use that side is in self-defense.

684. Then you've got to wash it.

685. I don't know how you negotiate that.

686. How you wash something that is rougher than your own scouring pad.

687. - It's against science.

688. Incidentally, the only thing that is rough enough to wash a cheese grater with

689. is a second cheese grater. Did you know that?

690. Not worth it. Sparks are flying, it's a dangerous game.

691. Some of you might have used small holes.

692. Some of you might have even used tiny holes.

693. You wanted to zest a lemon. It's your own business.

694. I'm not having a go at you, but...

695. I refuse to believe that anyone in this room

696. has ever used the side with the three curvy slits in it.

697. Don't need them. Get rid of them.

698. Replace them with something I actually use in my day-to-day cheese needs.

699. Like with me, it'd be a device that in one smooth, downward motion

700. completely unwraps a Babybel.

701. Finally.

702. Someone told me the other day,

703. the three curvy slits are used for slicing cheese, apparently.

704. It's the word on the street.

705. Now, if I'm gonna slice cheese, my first port of call...

706. is seldom the grater.

707. Call me old-fashioned, I'm a knife man.

708. You might think I'm fuddy-duddy, but I like it.

709. Unpredictable.

710. You always start off...

711. and you're thinking,

712. "Well, this cheese cutting's going excellently.

713. Cutting cheese in my own kitchen like a proper grown-up,

714. no help, stabilizers off."

715. You're just past the halfway mark and the cheese takes over.

716. Can't reverse it, it's made its mind up now.

717. And yeah, now you've got a slice of cheese

718. that's half the size you wanted in the first place.

719. At least you got some stories.

720. I'm trying to be more adventurous now that I'm a cop.

721. Started eating apricots.

722. Should have opened with that, actually. That's big news.

723. Bought some ready-to-eat apricots the other day

724. 'cause I'm trying to be more healthy.

725. They say you are what you eat,

726. which is true, 'cause as soon as I bought the ready-to-eat apricots,

727. I was... ready to eat apricots.

728. Those ready-to-eat apricots,

729. they came in a resealable bag as well,

730. 'cause not everyone's as ready to eat apricots as they think they are.

731. Maybe next time they'll buy ready-to-eat some apricots.

732. I did that bit recently at a gig in Crawley.

733. As soon as I said "ready-to-eat apricots,"

734. a guy in the front row went, "What?"

735. I said...

736. "What is the matter?"

737. He said, "I don't know what ready-to-eat apricots—

738. What do you mean, ready-to-eat ap—? What—? What are they?

739. What's ready-to-eat apricots?"

740. I said, "It's like dried apricots."

741. He went, "Well, just say dried apricots, you bitch."

742. So, uh...

743. I'm gonna do his version of the joke now.

744. Fair's fair.

745. I bought some dried apricots the other day.

746. I'm trying to be more healthy.

747. They say you are what you eat...

748. which is true, 'cause as soon as I bought the dried apricots,

749. I was... dried apricots.

750. Those dried apricots, they came in a resealable bag as well,

751. 'cause not everyone's as dried apricots as they think they are.

752. Maybe next time they'll buy not dried apricots.

753. I don't have any merch yet,

754. but when I do, it's gonna be a T-shirt that says

755. "not everyone's as dried apricots as they think they are."

756. I'm trying to do new things now.

757. I want to learn how to play pool properly.

758. I'd love to do that.

759. I don't even know what order the balls are meant to go in

760. when you put them in that triangle.

761. No one does. That's a secret amongst tough guys.

762. Seven yellows, seven reds, one black.

763. They're not an easy to memorize pretty pattern.

764. Like, if you want to remember the orders of the colors of the rainbow,

765. you just remember "Richard of York gave battle in vain."

766. Easy.

767. There's nothing like that when it comes to the pool balls.

768. Until now.

769. I had a night off, got a pen and paper out.

770. Now, if I ever need to set those pool balls up,

771. I just remember

772. "renovating your rock 'n' roll bungalow yielded yesterday's Ritalin,

773. yet raspberry ripple ying yangs repel yogurt."

774. Or "systematically Sellotaping Steven Spielberg's broken seesaw

775. sends satellite signals southbound so sushi seems suspicious,"

776. if you're playing spots and stripes.

777. And that about brings us up to speed.

778. I'm an undercover cop now.

779. I've got an Albanian wife.

780. Can't see that relationship going south anytime soon.

781. I've actually been assigned my very first case. It's exciting.

782. I'm gonna be infiltrating a gang of drug dealers

783. who are dealing drugs to comedians backstage at comedy gigs...

784. called the SW6 gang.

785. I've assumed the identity of a stand-up comedian to get close to them,

786. and I'm gonna call myself James Acaster,

787. which I'm told is unwise,

788. 'cause that was my original name before I changed it to Pat Springleaf.

789. I don't know. I never claimed to be an ideas man.

790. I want to leave you and tell you I'm a better person now,

791. and I've put my shady past behind me, but...

792. that'd be a lie.

793. I've had a relapse recently.

794. I went back to my lawbreaking ways.

795. I told you that last night I hit the town with some friends.

796. At the end of the evening, we... ended up in one of those little pubs, you know,

797. that's got loads of miscellaneous knickknacks on the wall.

798. And I don't know what happened,

799. I was tipsy as hell, I was blind tipsy.

800. I woke up the next morning, and, uh, I had this next to my bed.

801. That's a wooden duck.

802. That's meant to be used by huntsmen.

803. They put them out in a clearing,

804. and it draws all the ducks out into the open,

805. and they can pick them off one by one.

806. Then for some reason they put it in a pub,

807. and now it's in my bedroom.

808. And now my bedroom's full of ducks.

809. I'm not complaining, it helped with the bread research.

810. Okay.

811. Guess which one was nonplussed.

812. I can't even look this duck in the eyes, it makes me feel too guilty.

813. If I want to show you this duck properly, so you can get a good look at it,

814. that's the only comfortable way for me to do it.

815. You can all look at the duck, get a good old look at it,

816. I don't have to suffer the guilt.

817. To be fair, this duck should feel guiltier than me.

818. Let's not forget what it used to do for a living.

819. It used to help kill real-life ducks.

820. So much blood on its hands. Real messed up.

821. And all those ducks wanted to do, by the way, was be its friend.

822. Don't forget that.

823. Some happy-go-lucky duck would come bounding out into the clearing,

824. against its better instinct.

825. And the happy duck would walk up to the wooden duck,

826. and it'd say, "Oh, hey. Howdy, friend.

827. Hey, I haven't seen you round these parts before.

828. Welcome to the Bluebell Woods, fella.

829. Hm. Silent type, eh? Hey, that's okay.

830. Hey, my wife says I could talk enough for 50 ducks.

831. Man, I love her...

832. and she loves me.

833. Actually, you should come over and meet her tonight.

834. She's cooking my favorite, bread.

835. That is, if you don't mind sharing a table with seven little ducklings.

836. Aw...

837. I love them.

838. It's their first migration this winter,

839. and everyone says to me, 'Kyle...

840. when you see those little ones fly south for the first time,

841. you're gonna understand what life is truly about.'

842. Ah, can't wait.

843. They've taught me so much, those little scamps.

844. I actually never used to get on with my father, but...

845. since becoming a dad myself, I now feel like I understand

846. what it must have been like to be in his shoes.

847. After years of resentment...

848. I've finally found it in my heart to forgive him...

849. and I'm on my way to tell him that right now.

850. Forgiveness has never really been my strong suit, if I'm honest.

851. I think the person I find it hardest to forgive is myself.

852. I beat myself up over the littlest of things.

853. I think it's 'cause... I was...

854. I used to be a Christian. In my upbringing, I was...

855. pretty Christian, and I was kind of mildly obsessed

856. with right and wrong, judgment and punishment.

857. I think that's why I'm so fascinated by the legal system and crime.

858. I've actually written a series of one-duck shows on the subject.

859. You should come and see them.

860. It's about a duck, he starts out as a criminal,

861. but then eventually he turns over a new leaf

862. and becomes an undercover duck.

863. Infiltrates a gang.

864. Eventually, he gets chucked out of the gang and the police force

865. for shouting his entire postcode out at a rival gang of ducks.

866. Anyway, it's opening night next Wednesday, so I've got that to look forward to.

867. I better be going, friend.

868. And I don't want to tell you how to live your life,

869. but, uh, you really shouldn't dillydally around in this clearing either.

870. There can often be huntsmen in the woods, and they—"

871. Oh...

872. And later that night...

873. there'll be seven little ducklings...

874. sat round a toadstool table...

875. looking at a... empty chair and a plate of untouched bread.

876. One of the ducklings will look up at his mother and it'll say...

877. "Mom...

878. where's Dad?"

879. And she'll go, "Oh, I don't know, probably dead."

880. And she's got to live with that joke for the rest of her life.

881. You've been lovely to talk to. I'll see you another time.

882. Thank you very much. Goodbye.