James Acaster: Repertoire 1x3

1. - [man 1] Right then, team.

2. It's time for your fantastic second act of the evening.

3. - Are you excited?

4. [man 1] Well, he's a troubadour.

5. I don't know why I said that, or really what it is.

6. You can do more than that! Ready for your next act?

7. Ladies and gentlemen, start clapping in the middle this time.

8. - Give a round. Extend all the way around.

9. Please start the clapping and the cheering.

10. - [man 1] James Acaster. - [man 2] James Acaster.

11. [man 1] It's James Acaster!

12. [man 1] James Acaster!

13. - Yeah.

14. Thanks very much. Good to see you all.

15. Great to see you. I hoped it'd be you.

16. I did. On the way here, I said out loud,

17. - "Hope it's them."

18. I actually hope it's you every gig.

19. I hope that's not too gushy early doors.

20. Every gig I've ever done, I've hoped it's this exact group of people,

21. and until now, what a long and disappointing career it's been.

22. I've hated every second of it. Sometimes none of you are here.

23. Sometimes some of you are here, and that's actually harder to take

24. than when none of you are here, if I'm honest.

25. There's nothing more heartbreaking than looking out at an audience

26. and seeing members of, well, the dream team

27. just scattered amongst a bunch of underachieving losers.

28. - What a waste.

29. Worse one— Do you remember this? Remember when all of you were here

30. - except for you. Remember that?

31. - Sorely missed.

32. I can't believe it's finally you. This is weird.

33. It's surreal for me. I've imagined it for so long.

34. When I first walked on just then, I saw the first few of you,

35. and I started to get excited, and I had to be like,

36. "Come on, man. You've been stung in the past."

37. - "They might not all be here."

38. And then I look out and...

39. not only is it you,

40. you're sat in the exact order I imagined you would.

41. That's what's amazing about it. Perfect order, perfect crowd. Amazing.

42. What an audience.

43. Here's some of the things I like about you, if you're not too bashful.

44. Uh, first of all, what I like, you all bring different things to the table.

45. That's what I like about you. Different backgrounds, life experiences.

46. You got things in common as well. Um...

47. Uh, all of you are still impressed by a sunroof.

48. Still good, aren't they? Credit where it's due, actually.

49. Oh, and all of you would kill for a fresh start in life.

50. That's fair enough, isn't it? You'd love a fresh start.

51. I would. I want to go to Kenya, build a well.

52. That's me.

53. Every time I feel like I'm a bad person, I want to go to Kenya, build a well.

54. And I tell people, like an idiot.

55. I tell English people in England, the worst type of people, by the way,

56. that I want to go to Kenya and build a well.

57. Don't do that. English people always say the same thing.

58. They always go, "What do you want to do that for, man?

59. Go over there, help a bunch of foreigners?

60. Got plenty of problems in this country.

61. Just stay in this country, sort this country out first."

62. You know what?

63. - They're right.

64. They're right. I've lived in England my whole life.

65. Thirty-two years I've been walking these streets.

66. Not once have I seen a single well.

67. - Not once.

68. It's disgusting.

69. You probably don't want to hear this.

70. They've got more wells in Kenya than we've got over here.

71. - I'm sick of hearing about it.

72. "Oh, in Kenya they've got to walk two miles to get to a well."

73. If I want to walk to a well, I've got to walk to Kenya.

74. - That's a trek.

75. Try doing that. They've got excellent well access over there.

76. They're spoilt for choice if anything.

77. Spoilt for choice.

78. And we're building them like a bunch of mugs.

79. Recently, I had a police officer explain witness protection to me.

80. You don't need to know why.

81. He said, "James, when someone goes into witness protection,

82. he or she is given a new identity,

83. and he or she is relocated,

84. and he or she spends the rest of their life

85. under government protection."

86. I like the way he put it.

87. I like when people say "he or she."

88. 'Cause "he or she" is only ever said by men...

89. who are fully intended on just saying "he"...

90. then at the very last second remember that "she" exists.

91. So it's always said, "He... or she!"

92. Panic in their voice, no one's accused them of anything yet.

93. "Or she! I didn't say they couldn't.

94. I got in there before the next word. You got nothing on me, or she."

95. Women never say "he or she." Women use a different word.

96. Men don't even know this word. It's confusing and disorientating to men.

97. Women say, and I hope I'm pronouncing this right,

98. - "they."

99. Ninety-nine percent of men have no idea what "they" means,

100. the other one percent think it means "he." It's a confusing word.

101. I said to this police officer,

102. "What's your problem, man, explaining witness protection to me?

103. Never heard the word 'they' before?"

104. He was like, "Ugh. Fine.

105. Sorry.

106. When someone goes into witness protection, they or she..."

107. Sneaky cop.

108. Love it. Scrap it all, start again. That's what I'd like.

109. Like a game of Tetris, you know?

110. No, any time in Tetris, if you ever make a mistake or it gets messy,

111. none of us ever get our heads down, focus, tidy things up, try and win it.

112. No. As soon as that first block goes somewhere you don't like,

113. instantly, you just hold the down button, "Fuck you, Tetris. Fresh start."

114. - "That's better. I'm good at Tetris."

115. I've had my fair share of fresh starts in my lifetime.

116. Uh, before I did comedy, I used to own my own honey business, truth be told.

117. Was my work shirt back in the day. I thought I'd wear it for the show.

118. One of my favorite tops actually. Hundred percent cotton.

119. Bigger pocket than I'm used to,

120. - if I'm honest.

121. That's big, isn't it? For a shirt. For a shirt, that is big.

122. If that was a dungarees pouch, you wouldn't bat an eyelid, but...

123. on someone's chest, what a statement that is.

124. Hefty.

125. You guys might not know much about honey.

126. Uh, I'll tell you this, honey is a loss leader.

127. And what that means is that supermarkets sell honey

128. for less than they buy it for, so they make a loss every time.

129. Why?

130. So you guys get drawn in by the low price of the honey,

131. you don't notice the price of everything else... going up.

132. Clever.

133. So, what we did at the honey company,

134. on the Monday, we'd sell the supermarkets the honey,

135. on the Tuesday,

136. went in the supermarket, bought back our own jars of honey...

137. Wednesday, we sold them the exact same jars of honey again.

138. Thursday, went to the supermarket, bought back our own jars of honey.

139. - Ten years we kept that up.

140. Ten years, we made five jars of honey ever.

141. Five jars, that's one bee.

142. One bee working a weekend shift with a break, that's all it took,

143. and I still respect that bee to this day.

144. People would say to us, "You guys are stupid.

145. That honey's gonna crystallize over time and go bad."

146. And we were like, "Uh, yeah,

147. we're the only people buying the honey. It doesn't matter.

148. Good, I hope other people get put off and don't want to buy it."

149. We put people off any way we could. The label? Horrible.

150. - It's a disturbing image on that label.

151. We Photoshopped a giant praying mantis into the potter wheel scene from Ghost.

152. Just looming over Demi Moore, big old mantis.

153. No mention of honey on the whole label, just...

154. Had a little flat cap on.

155. Chilling.

156. I bought the honey, that was my job. Only two jobs in the company, to be fair.

157. Only two guys. Whole company, two people.

158. - He sold the honey, I bought the honey.

159. Apart from the first weekend, when we were just watching the bee.

160. And respecting it. I respected that bee so much.

161. The other guy was named Shaun.

162. Most confident man I've ever met in my life, Shaun.

163. You know, 90 percent of all confident people are called Shaun.

164. - That's true.

165. That's 'cause the key to confidence

166. is knowing something that other people don't.

167. And if your name's Shaun, you know how your name is spelt.

168. Shaun had to be confident for his job.

169. He's the lead salesman of a bogus honey company.

170. You've got to have balls of steel.

171. Most salesmen, their goal is to increase sales all the time.

172. Not Shaun.

173. He had to make sure that, no matter what, sales remained at five jars.

174. - Five jars only.

175. In the face of, let's not forget, phenomenal demand.

176. - These things are flying off the shelves.

177. They're selling out every other day.

178. But Shaun was smart.

179. He came up with a way of saving even more money by using vouchers.

180. I didn't even think of that.

181. It's our company.

182. Issue as many of our own vouchers as we like.

183. I'll be strutting into Sainsbury's, clutching my two-for-one vouchers,

184. really regretting making an odd number of jars at this point.

185. Hated paying full price for that fifth jar every time.

186. Didn't sit well.

187. That was my job, I bought the honey.

188. Every other day, same guy, going to the same supermarket,

189. buying the same five jars of honey.

190. Every other day. That looked suspicious.

191. I said to Shaun, "We've got to get some new employees to help me buy this honey.

192. I'm getting looks. I'm gonna get busted soon."

193. So we got— You know— You know that guy?

194. You know that guy?

195. Thought more people would know that guy, to be honest.

196. That guy, everyone knows him. I can never remember his name.

197. "Your country needs you," that guy.

198. Yeah? We got him, we put him on the poster.

199. "Your honey company needs you." We got ourselves some new employees.

200. Very smart.

201. Got four new employees.

202. I'll tell you what's more suspicious

203. than one guy buying five jars of honey every other day.

204. That's five guys

205. buying one jar of honey each

206. and queueing at the same cashier.

207. All of us in a line,

208. five identical jars of honey on the conveyor belt.

209. A divider between each one, so people didn't think we were acquainted.

210. - Clever, that was my idea.

211. All of us wearing this shirt.

212. Never enough dividers at the supermarket, is there?

213. Isn't it high time someone raised that issue, actually?

214. Never enough dividers at the supermarket.

215. I'd be at the back of the queue,

216. holding a jar of honey like a prized plum.

217. I used to fantasize about bringing my own divider in with me from home.

218. We've all dared to dream every now and again in our lifetime, haven't we?

219. I just wanted my own divider, sticking out my back pocket.

220. I'll put it down when I'm ready, they can shut up.

221. I didn't know where to buy one.

222. No one knows.

223. None of you know where to buy a divider.

224. I tried to buy one of the ones at the supermarket in the end.

225. I walked in, picked it up, put it on the conveyor belt.

226. - So began the longest day of my life.

227. Every time I got to the till, they'd send it back down.

228. I'd put it back on, they'd send it back down, I'd put it back on.

229. I even put it between two other dividers

230. so it was clear that's what I'm buying, that's clearly what I want.

231. Man, I was in a tizz.

232. I know what some of you are thinking.

233. "Oh, excuse me, you had to hire four new employees.

234. Surely you've got to pay them wages.

235. Doesn't that make this whole honey scam a little bit redundant?"

236. And you'd be right, we're making a massive loss at this point.

237. - Hemorrhaging money.

238. I had to fire those four guys as soon as we hired them.

239. They didn't take it lying down either.

240. They threatened to snitch us out to the goddamn fuzz.

241. Me and Shaun had to admit it was over.

242. The next day, we did what any of you would do.

243. We marched ourselves into that police station, heads held high...

244. snitched on those guys before they had a chance to snitch on us.

245. Long story short, I'm about to go into witness protection.

246. That's where I am in my life at the minute.

247. And I can't wait. Witness protection, baby. A fresh start.

248. Get to relocate, go somewhere new.

249. I can't wait, to be honest. Can't wait to leave Britain.

250. Britain is a bunch of piece of shit right now.

251. - And I do not say that lightly.

252. - It's a bunch of piece of shit.

253. I can't wait to get away.

254. Get on a plane,

255. fly away forever.

256. That's the part of the show entitled

257. "the dos and don'ts of passport photography."

258. I can't wait to leave this bunch of piece of shit country.

259. Fly away, go somewhere new.

260. First choice: Kenya.

261. Second choice: Pisa, actually.

262. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is my favorite landmark.

263. Surrounded by people from all over the globe,

264. all having their photos taken, all, spookily,

265. doing the exact same pose, every single person.

266. They're all doing that pose. You've seen it before.

267. It's a perspective trick.

268. It makes it look like you're holding up the tower from a distance.

269. It's very clever and very funny.

270. Everyone's doing it, bar none.

271. Every single person is standing in a field,

272. all doing that pose,

273. and yet all of them, when they have their photo taken,

274. have a smug look in their eye, as if to say,

275. - "I came up with this."

276. "This is my idea." No, it's not. It's not your idea.

277. You didn't come up with that. Someone did.

278. Somebody invented that all by themselves,

279. - and he or she was the only person—

280. Could have been a woman. Prove it wasn't a woman then.

281. Once upon a time, there was one person doing that

282. in a field of people not doing it.

283. Everyone else was doing some of the old ones.

284. Uh... Bit of that. Bit of that.

285. That's a classic, actually. Still going strong to this day, isn't it?

286. There it is.

287. We all love a bit of "there it is," don't we?

288. The hand says, "There it is," but the eyes say, "And here I am."

289. I went to Pisa, had my photo taken.

290. I didn't do any of that. Flat out refused.

291. When I had my photo taken, I got even further away,

292. so the tower was even smaller,

293. and all those people, they're really tiny as well.

294. And then I lined it up

295. so I had about three little guys all holding me up like that.

296. Obscuring the tower completely, I don't give a shit.

297. I know where I went on holiday, thank you.

298. Third choice: I'd like to go to New Zealand.

299. My favorite turn of phrase in the world comes from New Zealand.

300. In New Zealand, they don't say "put the kettle on."

301. They don't say "put the kettle on." In New Zealand, they say "boil the jug."

302. "Boil the ju—" 2017.

303. Boil the jug. I prefer that. It's better, isn't it?

304. It's more whimsical and fun, lighthearted. Puts you in a good mood.

305. Got a spring in your step when you're on your way to boil the jug.

306. It feels nice and magical.

307. "Put the kettle on," in comparison, sounds phonetically aggressive.

308. Put the kettle on. The kettle.

309. The kettle.

310. Put the kettle on.

311. The kett— It's jagged, isn't it? Put the kettle on.

312. The kettle. We say it every day in England

313. and wonder why we're such a furious nation.

314. Put the kettle on.

315. The kett— "I fucking hate immigrants. Put the kettle on."

316. The kettle.

317. "Boil the jug."

318. Namaste.

319. Think we should start saying it.

320. I tried introducing it to Britain by myself.

321. Single-handedly walking round asking people to boil the jug.

322. That panned out nicely.

323. That's why I want to go to New Zealand, I haven't had a hot drink in a year.

324. I just think we'd be better if we started saying it.

325. Let's face it, everyone in Britain is cross right now.

326. Crossness is through the roof.

327. If we started saying "boil the jug," spirits would lift.

328. A collective weight would lift off the nation's shoulders.

329. After a week of saying "boil the jug," we'd all be walking round, chins up,

330. making eye contact with people we haven't met before,

331. saying things like, "Hey, you know what I feel like doing?

332. Returning the Elgin Marbles."

333. "Let's give all that stuff back. Who's up for that?"

334. One or two blank faces for that line there.

335. I assume it's 'cause you don't know the story.

336. Don't worry, I'll bring you up to speed. I don't even mind.

337. A long time ago,

338. but not long enough ago that it's not still very relevant...

339. everyone in Britain got in a big old boat

340. and we set sail and we robbed...

341. This will sound far-fetched.

342. - ... everyone in the world.

343. Do you remember that? What a spree that was.

344. Do you remember the great heist? What a spree.

345. And we got all the swag, didn't we?

346. And we took it back to old Blighty,

347. and we hid it— This is the clever part.

348. We hid it... in a museum.

349. Last place anyone looks.

350. Now it's the modern day,

351. and all them countries we stole stuff from are asking for their stuff back.

352. But don't look worried,

353. we're totally saying a blanket no.

354. Now, a few of you are sitting there,

355. I can see your angry faces, like, "So what? Finders keepers, shut up."

356. - And...

357. Listen, in your defense,

358. "finders keepers, shut up" has worked very well for us so far.

359. Against all odds, knocked it out the park, "finders keepers, shut up."

360. But even you've got to admit, right,

361. if someone stole something off you, as an individual,

362. it's your favorite thing, and they nicked it—

363. And you knew who'd nicked it, by the way, for a fact.

364. It's not a hunch.

365. You know who's stolen it.

366. Everybody knows. It's common knowledge.

367. Some people have written books about it. They've definitely nicked it off you.

368. - You go to ask for it back,

369. and they're just standing there, not even running away.

370. They're twice your size. Ain't scared. Haven't even bothered to hide it.

371. They've done the opposite of hiding it.

372. - They've put it in a glass display case.

373. It's lit from seven different angles, real clear what it is.

374. There's no disputing it's the same thing that once belonged to you,

375. - 'cause there's a plaque next to it.

376. Says exactly what it is at the top of the plaque,

377. and then a paragraph underneath

378. about how important it is to you and your culture.

379. You'd be forgiven for thinking,

380. "Mmm. I'm pretty sure they haven't got a leg to stand on here.

381. Probably gonna take this home today."

382. Must've been so confident,

383. all them countries when they asked for their stuff back.

384. Just walking up to Britain, saying to their friends,

385. "Wait in the car. I don't even need you.

386. Be back in a jiffy, mate."

387. "Hey, man. Uh, a while ago, a lot of your ancestors

388. stole loads of stuff from my ancestors.

389. Yeah, I'm here to take them home.

390. Let's right this wrong. What do you say?"

391. They must have thought the British person at the door was gonna go,

392. "Absolutely you can have them back. We stole them after all."

393. But instead, we went...

394. - "I don't think so."

395. "We're still looking at it."

396. "Yeah, just looking at it these days.

397. And there's a lot of other people who haven't seen it yet

398. we'd quite like to show it to.

399. So... not right now, selfish."

400. "Don't sulk about it. Look, it's no hard feelings, mate.

401. Hey, you can look at it. Come on in. Have a look.

402. Have a look. Seem familiar?"

403. "Stand behind the rope!"

404. That's why the British Museum's so busy all the time.

405. No British people ever go in there.

406. It's full of people from abroad looking at their own stuff.

407. Just walking the corridors, reminiscing about the good old days,

408. then I imagine just openly robbing the gift shop at the end.

409. "That is one-all, you punks."

410. I'm gonna say this,

411. I don't care who I offend in this room.

412. Museum gift shop rubbers are the worst rubbers on the market.

413. - Ah, look, you're pulling back already.

414. Right, too many people don't dare go near this kind of material these days.

415. They're afraid of upsetting the little snowflakes.

416. The world is crying out for a new Frankie Boyle.

417. I'll happily step into his shoes with both feet.

418. Fucking come back!

419. - Listen...

420. I'm gonna talk about museum gift shop rubbers now,

421. and you're gonna take— You shut up, mate. You can all take it.

422. Here's what I look for in a rubber, right?

423. Soft...

424. smooth rounded-off corners and edges, preferably not transparent,

425. and, this is the deal-breaker, made of rubber.

426. I shouldn't even need to say that last one.

427. Museum gift shop rubbers are rectangular blocks

428. of what I assume is a form of Perspex.

429. Razor-sharp corners.

430. You try and erase something with them,

431. they don't glide across the page all nice and smooth,

432. they pick a point in the page, pin that point down,

433. they move that exact point back and forth...

434. crinkling the pages either side of it. You achieve a smudge if you're lucky.

435. - It's an absolute circus.

436. Had enough.

437. I stormed to the British Museum,

438. I threw my rubber down on the counter, said, "I want to make a complaint.

439. This rubber doesn't erase anything."

440. They said, "Here at the British Museum,

441. we don't believe in erasing the mistakes of the past."

442. "Instead we prefer to stand by those mistakes for all eternity."

443. - "Fine, I'd like to return it."

444. "Yeah, we don't believe in returning things either.

445. Nice try though. Nice try when you said that just then."

446. I can feel it off some of you.

447. - Looking at me, "You little shit."

448. "You little shit, running your mouth off like you're untouchable,

449. like you've never made the same mistakes in your life."

450. Listen, fair play. Look, I'm as bad as all y'all.

451. I'm as bad as all y'all. I...

452. I make the same mistakes every day in my life, never learn.

453. Same mistakes every day, never learn. Every day.

454. I've got a set of blinds in my bedroom.

455. Seven years I've had these blinds for.

456. Not once have I pulled the right string to open them.

457. - Not once.

458. There's two options, by the way. It's not a wall of strings...

459. - ... like a harp.

460. There's two strings about that far apart.

461. Every morning I look at them...

462. - ... haven't the foggiest.

463. Always— I get a very good feeling about one of them for some reason.

464. In my heart, I get a really good feeling about one of them.

465. As soon as I reach for it,

466. oh, I absolutely doubt every decision I've ever made in my life.

467. Convinced myself it must be the least obvious string.

468. I pull that one with such purpose,

469. probably shout something out loud like, "Let the sun shine."

470. - Pfft. Every day.

471. Two options, get it wrong every day. Two options.

472. We never stood a chance in that referendum.

473. We never stood a chance.

474. I remember the day of that vote.

475. We probably all do, it's pretty recent.

476. - Don't know why I showed off about that.

477. I remember... sitting in my living room with Shaun.

478. Shaun turns to me and says,

479. "James, before we go and cast our votes in the EU referendum,

480. would you care for a cup of peppermint tea?"

481. I was like, "Fire up the jug."

482. "I'd love a peppermint tea."

483. Shaun's in the kitchen, making me a peppermint tea

484. on the morning of the EU referendum.

485. He shouts through to me, "James!

486. Do— Do you want the bag, leave it in...

487. or taken out?"

488. - "Not today, Shaun."

489. "Don't ask me that today. Too confusing. I don't know what to say."

490. On the one hand, if you leave the teabag in,

491. then over time, the cup of tea, as a whole, will get stronger.

492. And even though it appears as though the teabag is getting weaker...

493. it is now part of a strong cup of tea.

494. On the other hand, if you take the teabag out,

495. the cup of tea, as a whole, is now weaker.

496. The teabag itself...

497. - goes directly in the bin.

498. It was hard to make my mind up. I didn't know what to say or what to do.

499. - I didn't know what to do.

500. "Get over it, mate!"

501. "Gah! Get over it!

502. Get over it, I said."

503. They said that immediately, by the way. That's not just a recent quote.

504. They said that as soon as it came in.

505. As soon as that result dropped in,

506. - "Get over it!"

507. "Accept it. Get over it." I bet you're fun at a funeral.

508. - I bet you're great fun at a funeral.

509. Especially if you're the one that killed them, by the way.

510. "Get over it. I killed him a year ago. I'm at the funeral, aren't I?"

511. "Stop sulking about it.

512. Stop sulking."

513. Uh, stop sulking? Have you ever tried to stop sulking?

514. They feel incredible. It's impossible to stop a sulk.

515. It's so addictive. I love sulking.

516. I love it. Have you had a sulk lately? Oh, bon appétit.

517. - Absolutely lovely.

518. I don't know what chemical your brain releases when you have a sulk,

519. but if they sold that chemical, I'd rub it on my gums.

520. - All the livelong day.

521. I know I'm not helping by sulking. Of course I'm not helping.

522. I should be positive, focus on the future.

523. What I've got to look forward to, you know?

524. I'm about to go into witness protection. That's how I got myself out of the sulk.

525. Every morning, I'd wake up, "Witness protection, baby! Whoo!"

526. See a headline that bummed me out, "Witness protection. Yeah!"

527. "He's foreign secretary?

528. - Witness protection!"

529. When I say witness,

530. I say protection.

531. Witness protection!

532. And when I say, "Witness protection," they say,

533. "Stop telling people you're about to go into witness protection.

534. It's meant to be a secret.

535. You've got to work with us on this, James.

536. And you can't be called Klimbelajio, so stop asking."

537. "Why can't I be called Klimbelajio?"

538. "Because you can't name yourself after that bee.

539. People will put two and two together, that is why."

540. Got to be positive though.

541. I've got all my details about witness protection.

542. Now I know exactly what's gonna happen to me, and I can't wait.

543. I'm going to Loughborough.

544. Loughborough, baby. Loughborough's a lot of fun. Loughborough is fun.

545. Sometimes Americans mispronounce it, say "Loogabarooga."

546. - That is funny.

547. That is funny when they say "Loogabarooga."

548. I'd be there and hear them say "Loogabarooga" live to my face.

549. Look me in the eyes, ask where Loogabarooga is.

550. Never correct them, that's my policy.

551. "Loogabarooga's that way. I'm a proud Loogabaroogan.

552. - I'll see you later."

553. - That got you back.

554. I knew I'd get you back.

555. And I knew— Every time I'm doing that Brexit stuff earlier,

556. I know I've got Loogabarooga up my sleeve,

557. to unite everybody in the room and remind us we're not so different.

558. Leave or remain, Loogabarooga's funny, isn't it?

559. Going to Loughborough, gonna be a lollipop man, yes, sir.

560. That's a good job, lollipopping.

561. You get to give back to the community, save kids' lives on the daily.

562. I didn't know this before I joined the witness protection program,

563. but all lollipop people,

564. without exception,

565. - are in the witness protection program.

566. Makes sense when you hear it, doesn't it?

567. Until now, every time you've seen a lollipop person, you've been like,

568. "I can't put my finger on it, but something doesn't add up here.

569. They don't seem necessary."

570. "This one is literally working at a set of traffic lights.

571. - You seeing what I'm seeing?"

572. The kids have pressed the buttons, they're doing none of the work.

573. It's broad daylight, they're caked in high-vis.

574. You tell me. You tell me.

575. Shaun's already started lollipopping.

576. He's been lollipopping for about a month now.

577. Sad to report he's not changed a bit, still as corrupt as ever.

578. - Started charging for it.

579. Little kids, he's started charging. Two-fifty to cross, £7 return.

580. - That doesn't even add up, it's awful.

581. That only lasted a couple of days.

582. One of his fellow lollipop people snitched him out.

583. That's the problem with doing a job staffed

584. exclusively by people in the witness protection program.

585. You can't move for snitches, mate.

586. I'm gonna change though.

587. That's the best part of the whole deal: new identity, new personality.

588. All of us hate ourselves on some level.

589. That's not weird, by they way, just so you know.

590. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day,

591. wanted to tell him that I was gonna go home and have a spaghetti bolognese.

592. But I didn't say, "I'm gonna go home and have a spaghetti bolognese."

593. I said, "I'm gonna go home and have a spag bol."

594. As soon as I heard "spag bol" come out of my mouth,

595. - I was like, "I hate you so much."

596. "I've never hated anyone as much as I hate you right now, James.

597. 'Spag bol' to another adult."

598. Spag bol.

599. Spag.

600. Spag.

601. If you don't think "spag bol" is weird,

602. break it down one word at a time, see where you sit then.

603. - "Spag. Spag."

604. That is what you say to people you intend to see again. "Spag."

605. Spag. It's spaghetti. We all know it's spaghetti. Make the effort.

606. You never call it spag normally.

607. I only ever call it spag when it's with bol, personally.

608. Only when bol's in town do I call it spag.

609. None of us go into the supermarket on a normal day and are like,

610. - "Excuse me. Come here! Excuse me."

611. "Come here, I said!

612. Excuse me!

613. Excuse me. Come— Is my voice invisible?

614. Come here!

615. Come— Yes, you."

616. "Where is your spag aisle?"

617. "Uh, the spag aisle, please.

618. - 'Cause I want to buy some spag is why."

619. "Not that it's any of your business, I'm gonna boil that spag,

620. use it to make a spaghetti carbonara

621. and then refer to that out loud as 'spag carb.'"

622. - "Then I'll do a quick headcount,

623. see how many friends I've got after that.

624. Lead the way."

625. "Do you have tag as well? I like spag and I like tag a lot.

626. I do like tag. If spag isn't available, I will take tag."

627. - Tagliatelle.

628. - No man left behind.

629. We're the worst for that kind of stuff, British people.

630. Don't even make the effort if we go abroad.

631. We're walking around, barking at our friends,

632. "Oi, Roy! Roy, anyone round here do a good spag bol?

633. - A good spag bol, round here?"

634. "I love spag. I love spag!"

635. That's how the whole world sees us, you know?

636. You think the whole world sees British people as sophisticated and polite.

637. You ask an Italian person, "You know the British?"

638. They'll be like, "Oh, are they the ones who are like, 'Spag!'"

639. - "Spag bol!

640. Top two favorite things!

641. - Number two: bol!"

642. "Number one is spag!

643. Spag bol!

644. You need us more than we need you!"

645. "You need us more than we need you!"

646. "You need us more than we need you!

647. - Spag bol!"

648. "You need us more than we need you!

649. You need us more than we need you!

650. Spag."

651. "You need us more than we need you.

652. You need us... more than we need you.

653. You need us...

654. You need...

655. You need us more...

656. - Help us."

657. "Help us, please.'"

658. "Spaghetti bolognese, I'll say it."

659. There's certain aspects of my own personality I'd like to change.

660. - A bit too wacky for my tastes.

661. Too wacky, I sulk too much.

662. I feel bad about the time I did that honey scam.

663. You know, I know... I know I seem chipper...

664. but, like...

665. You know, I'll get home some days,

666. and I'll look at myself in the... in the kitchen... mirror.

667. In the old kitchen mirror.

668. Handed down from generation to generation.

669. My father gave it to me. He said, "Son...

670. - you hang this in the kitchen."

671. "Like I did, and my father before me.

672. It's actually where the tradition ends. It's a very new tradition in the family.

673. Me and Granddad are trying to start a thing...

674. - and we need your help so bad."

675. We all do it, don't we?

676. We all go home and look at ourselves in that kitchen mirror.

677. All of us do. I do, you do, you.

678. You— Even you, mate, and you're a good guy.

679. Even you— What's your name?

680. - Andrew. - Andrew. Even Andrew, man.

681. You get home, don't you? You look at yourself in that kitchen mirror.

682. You just think...

683. "Oh, Christ."

684. "All those things I did.

685. All those things I wish I'd done.

686. - I'll never—" This is beans, by the way.

687. It's a standard setup in Andrew's house. It's the oven, and then the hobs,

688. and then the kitchen mirror right-angles immediately to them.

689. You look in that kitchen mirror, "Oh, Jesus Christ.

690. I wish I'd gone to Kenya so badly. I wish I..."

691. - You went to Kenya once, didn't you?

692. It was like 12 years ago, you went to Kenya,

693. and you wanted to stay, but at the same time,

694. - you wanted to come back as well.

695. Quite hard.

696. 'Cause, uh...

697. you wanted to come home and follow your dreams.

698. Truth be told, at the time, you were in a band, weren't you, Andrew?

699. You were in a two-piece experimental jazz pop band

700. called The Wow Scenario,

701. that's what you did with quite a few years of your life.

702. Quite an impressive chunk of your life.

703. Only two people in the band, wasn't it?

704. You and your friend Graeme, that was the whole band.

705. Graeme spelt G-R-A-E-M-E, no one ever saw that coming.

706. Most confident man you've ever met in your life, Graeme.

707. Two people in the whole band, two people.

708. So you came back, you pursued that instead.

709. But what? Maybe just two years later, the band split up, didn't it?

710. And— This is meringues now.

711. - And...

712. Happier, isn't it, meringues? Happier, make some meringues, cheer yourself up.

713. The band split up two years later, and you had a fresh start on your hands.

714. And you wanted to go to Kenya, but at the same time, you're too scared.

715. You think, "I can't drop everything, take a leap of faith and go to Kenya.

716. I'm not brave enough.

717. I can't go to Kenya."

718. So you thought, "I'll put it on the back burner.

719. I'll go to Kenya at some point, maybe a few years' time."

720. In the meantime, you started doing stand-up.

721. Just for a laugh really.

722. You thought, "Oh, can I do it? I'll see if I can do it or not."

723. And the more gigs you got, the more gigs you got offered.

724. And now, it's like ten years down the line.

725. It wasn't the plan, but it's your job, isn't it, Andrew?

726. You're doing it pretty much every night of the year.

727. And for the most part you love it, best job you ever had,

728. but every now and again— And don't take this badly,

729. but every now and again,

730. when you're not playing to a lovely crowd in Notting Hill,

731. - oh, you die on your arse, don't you?

732. Die so bad, sometimes more than one day in a row, a week.

733. Do you remember that time when you died every single night for a month?

734. You should do, it was this year. Do you remember that?

735. Remember that? Remember the time when you played in Crawley

736. and the man threw Maltesers at you and called you a bitch?

737. Do you remember that happening to you, Andrew?

738. Do you remember that time when you did a gig in Glasgow

739. and the whole front row was heckling you for the whole gig?

740. And it was your tour show, it wasn't a mixed bill,

741. they weren't expecting to see you, and you came out and they didn't like it.

742. It was your tour show, Andrew.

743. - It said "James Acaster" on the tickets.

744. And the whole front row just heckling you for the whole gig.

745. And eventually, you've got to kick out the entire front row

746. of your own tour show,

747. and they're all cursing your name as they're getting kicked out.

748. One lady called you a wee shite, and someone stopped at the door—

749. Little old lady stops at the door and she shouts back at you,

750. "If you can't take heckles,

751. you never should have got on stage in the first place, mate."

752. - And you were like, "Yeah."

753. "Pretty much. I never planned to do this. I'm not built for it.

754. I can't actually handle this at the best of times."

755. Then you went back to the hotel that night,

756. and you looked at yourself in the kitchen mirror, and you thought,

757. "Why am I doing this? I should have gone to Kenya.

758. Why am I not in Kenya?

759. I wish I was in Kenya right now."

760. But if it's any consolation,

761. I once went through something very similar myself.

762. "Chucked out for laughing."

763. That's what they said, isn't it?

764. Complained at the box office in Glasgow, "He chucked us out for laughing.

765. That's all we were doing."

766. That's what they would've said to their friends when they got home.

767. "How was the comedy show?"

768. "Not good."

769. - "He chucked us out for laughing."

770. "What?

771. At a comedy— Were you doing your normal laugh?"

772. "Yeah, you know when I go, 'You're fucking shit, mate,' that one?"

773. "Didn't like it."

774. You can't focus on bad shows forever, bad crowds, right?

775. That's why you spend most of your time thinking about the perfect audience.

776. You can't wait to see them.

777. And let me tell you, you guys have exceeded my expectations this evening.

778. You've all knocked it out the park in your own individual ways.

779. There's someone in this area, and I won't point you out,

780. but every time you laughed, you look at the person next to you

781. to check you'd done the right thing, and I liked that.

782. - "Yeah? Okay, cool.

783. I don't know, it's more your thing than mine."

784. I appreciate that you all came tonight.

785. Hopefully we'll see each other again.

786. But if not...

787. - at least we have this.

788. At least we had now.